How to Get Better at Receiving | 30 Day Video Challenge 6 of 30

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by Melody Fletcher on May 6, 2017

 

Today’s video is about something near and dear to my heart: receiving. It’s not a coincidence that I named my business and book “Deliberate Receiving”, after all. Most of us are pretty crap at it; I definitely used to be.

Did you know that when you receive with an open heart, that you’re actually giving the giver a huge gift? And that you’re not doing anyone any favors by not being willing or able to ask for help?

So, sit back, grab a cup of tea, or coffee, or glass of wine (I’m not judging…) and join me for today’s installment of my daily little musings.

 

 

Now, it’s your turn to keep the conversation going. I so enjoy reading your responses! How are you at receiving? Have you gotten better at it? Share in the comments below and let me get a glimpse of your lovely self.

 

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Trinity May 6, 2017 at 19:57

My issue with receiving has to do with worthiness. I have a hard time allowing people to do kind things for me. I’m always so surprised that people care. When I have to ask for help, I feel so vulnerable that it can be hard for me to not be hurt when someone chooses to say no.

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Lee May 7, 2017 at 21:26

Hi Trinity ,

I have had various degrees of myself unable to ask …..in my experience

I have had a mixed bag of helpful and nonhelpful people when I need help or

serious advice . I have became better over the past few years but it is still an issue

for me . I have missed out on things if I only spoke up or just asked .

Have you any ideas to be able to ready yourself to receive instead of letting that

moment go bye ? Thanks , Lee

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Bonny May 6, 2017 at 19:57

Loved this video, Melody. It brought tears, especially when you said you know we’re givers. Thank you.

I struggle with receiving, big time. Just yesterday I did some work for someone, just because it felt good to do it. They then told me they loved me, and what did I want in exchange? And it brought a WHOLE lot of crap up. In the past, I’ve done work for this person where they took credit, ignored me, all sorts of yucky stuff – which I realize I allowed. In your book, I was definitely in a shame cycle.

So when they asked me what I wanted in exchange, I got upset. I didn’t want anything from them. I didn’t do it for attention, validation, manipulation… As I have in the past, and as they’ve accused me of. I just did it because it felt good.

I guess if it comes down to it, I don’t want to receive from this person. It’s felt like a weapon.

Not sure where to go with this from here, other than I know it’s something I need and want to learn to do with grace and love.
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Amy May 6, 2017 at 20:05

Hi Melody! First off I’m so glad you’re back and look forward to your videos each day! To answer your question, as a blind person I have a lot of trouble with receiving be/c I feel people are pitying me because of my disability. For instance if I am at the pizza shop and the employees want to give me free pizza or let me go to the front of the line at the bagel shop. Everyone says I should be nice but there are those who say as a blind person I need to find a way to politely turn them down because they’re doing it out of a sense of “poor blind girl. She can’t do anything.” Also I hate to admit this because I know I’m happy with who I am in the abstract but when I’m lost in my high school I always wish I could hide from people. I want to show them how confident and competent I am but sometimes I’m just not and get lost and it goes against the image I want to portray because I have this feeling I need to represent all blind people. After all I might be the only one they ever see and don’t want to let blind people down, I want to convey a positive image. Btw I choose the word “disability” because I’ve used it all my life; it has no negative connations for me.

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Lee May 6, 2017 at 20:15

Hi Melody .
Its funny that you were talking about being a better receiver today .

I absolutely need to work on being a better receiver . In fact yesterday I ordered

your book ” Deliberate Receiving “. What a coincidence right ? Anyway my lack of

becoming a good receiver had got its start with me in childhood . I would say that

my life would be so much better if I were able to become a better receiver . Thanks ,

Lee .

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Diana Holcombe May 6, 2017 at 20:49

Love you! I did have 10 minutes even after a full work day and it worked out that I have free time. Ha! Love the Universe! This shit is getting better and better! & that is sorta what freaks me out most about receiving…it’s the expansion…
there’s a lot of energetic-goings-on in me & I contract too quickly. I get scared and start worst case scenario-ing myself.
I also resonated with your mention on entitlement. I had a lush childhood and have sorta come out of teenage and young adult (and hell-adult too) mistakes believing it’s my fault and I don’t deserve to have made such terrible mistakes since my parents accomplished such a comfortable life for me, and gave me every opportunity they could! I felt like the lines were blurred between receiving & being this hairy scary entitled brat…it’s just that I wasn’t a brat at all! Then I lose sight of who am I and what is projected on me… Is it better to reject all really good feeling things than to be silently contemptuously condemned an entitled shit….?
No. I really want to set the intention to open up to receiving more.
Xoxo
Ps.I’m so excited to see you daily for right now!!! Thank you!

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Angel May 6, 2017 at 21:43

Hi Melody!

You are simply beautiful! You seem more at ease and at peace lately. Thank you for inspiring through example.

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Lisa Jiardini May 6, 2017 at 22:25

Hey Melody!
I’m learning to be a better receiver and it’s so much fun! Like today, I was still thirsty, even after drinking a whole big bottle of water. A friend of me handed me another bottle of water without me even asking and I was sooo pleased and let him know whole-heartedly. Yay! Thanks for this message!
Love,
Lisa

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Merwin May 6, 2017 at 23:43

Hi Melody,

So I’m getting much better at receiving. I’m learning to focus more on the emotional essence of what I want instead of being attached to HOW I want it to play out. I’ve had many synchronicities show up for me! People completing me on my outfits (I asked for more appreciation and power), people texting me to hang out (I asked for more fun) and circumstances happening where I am allowed to feel more free in life. My biggest issue was always trying to release fear of unknown future circumstances and stressing out because I didn’t have all the details. But I’ve gotten so much better at releasing that as well. Thanks for your dail videos and hope these comments give you some ideas for topics!

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A May 7, 2017 at 03:10

Hi Melody
I never really thought about this much, but I realised how bad I was at receiving when, after A LOT of pain, I gave up and stopped giving in my marriage and…..nothing. When I stopped giving, there was nothing there. My marriage fell apart overnight. No regrets, no pleading, no attempts, no nothing on his side. Over. The only thing had had been keeping our marriage together was me, and I was getting NOTHING for ten years and I hadn’t even realised it. How bad is that? Growing up I had never learned how to receive love (because I never got any) and I just got used to giving and giving and that made me feel like I was in a relationship. Next time I am determined that it’s going to be completely different. I am going to ask for and expect to be loved before I give my heart again.

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Mary May 8, 2017 at 16:00

Good for you! I kinda understand how you feel. I stopped visiting my niece and her mom – my sister at Christmas. It happened last October when I said “I’m done” and left.

The only time I hear from them is at Christmas or one of the nieces kids birthdays, she sends a mass email invite. But I went cause they are the only ‘family’ around, and that’s what you do at the holidays, right?

Haven’t heard boo from anyone since. Guess they probably feel better w/o me there as well. :)

So, good luck, and keep standing up for yourself!

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Isabel Martins May 7, 2017 at 05:30

You hit the spot when you said “they feel they have to give 100x more”. For me that comes up in a different way. I feel that if I receive help from someone, then I’m obligated, or in debt to them. And, of course, that prevents me from asking or even accepting help many times. I’d really prefer not to have that belief! :D Of course, in my previous “receiving” experiences it has almost always been horse trading, meaning, if someone gives me something, they do feel entitled to something too, even if it’s a favor to be collected who knows when. And honestly, I believe I do the same too. Unconditional love and unconditional giving hasn’t been very much a reality, but it’s been popping up and I am willing to step more and more in that direction, and I know that willingness will give me the steps to get there, one baby step, or even a leap, at a time. :)

In romantic relationships then, this giving-receiving dynamics just creates chaos! I’ve discovered recently the work of Dr. Betty Martin, and this is helping me find new ways of giving, receiving, taking and allowing. If I may share the link here, I feel it may be very helpful for my happy shiny puppy playmates too! :)

https://bettymartin.org/videos/
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Penny May 7, 2017 at 06:15

I love to give and share. It’s not a power trip thing, I just love to be in a position where I can give. It makes me sad when I cannot & I want to. I do have problems receiving I’ve found…like you’ve mentioned, I hate to impose. I’ve also found it true when you mentioned- if someone does or gives something to me, I want to give back, 10x more…sometimes the feeling is so strong it sometimes begins to feel like an obligation an a weight, like you’re behind & owing which was never the intention in either direction. I keep trying to remember how much I enjoy giving…someone else loves giving as much…the proper response is deep, sincere joy and gratitude. Money, energy, love, etc… flows, you can’t choke one end without clogging up the whole thing. I am a work in progress, with your video today I realize part of my blocked flow is still probably related to deliberate, awesomely open & grateful receiving.

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Rose May 7, 2017 at 08:20

Good Morning Melody!! This was such a great video. Thank you!!! I’m really good at receiving but it also depends on who I’m receiving it from because some gifts come with a heavy price. I’d rather go to a store and buy it myself at the actual cost. I love thoughtful gifts!! For example if someone knows I love writing in journals and buys me a journal, that person is my favorite person ever. But if someone buys me expensive, branded shoes and then guilt trips me into doing something for them or buying them similar gifts, then it just makes me want to not receive anything from them because I’m afraid what they’ll ask if me. I hope all this makes sense. If not please forgive me, I guess I have to think about that a bit more so I can express myself more clearly. I’m loving your videos sooooo much. Thank you Melody from the bottom of my heart!!! XOXO

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Aurore May 7, 2017 at 08:25

Just to say, thank you so much Melody, for popping into my inbox every single day with your little (well from Receiving perspective – large!), very funny, tidbits :) .

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Trisha May 7, 2017 at 10:09

Good topic Melody. I am not one for expletives so hearing the word sh#* about 4 times was not so pleasant to my ears. Of course you have a right to talk anyway you want as it IS your blog….just sayin…. I only ask for help when and if I REALLY NEED it. My mother left us 6 kids when i was 12 years old. I had to be the “mother” to my siblings for a very long time. Those circumstances made me into one very independent woman where I had to do everything MYSELF. If someone asks me for something and it will not interfere with my beliefs or reasoning I will help out…if it DOES interfere…I have no trouble saying “NO”. Why say “Yes” and then walk around with a resentment? After awhile a person knows when to ask me for help. I do not apologize if this all sound selfish. Live Love Laugh

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Lady R May 7, 2017 at 12:06

“Selfish cow”. That was brilliant, I almost spat my water all over my laptop :D The art of receiving is something I still need to work on, however I’ve become exponentially better at it during the past few years. If I’m exhausted when leaving work and don’t have patience to wait for the next bus, I just ask my co-worker if she’d be willing to give me a lift home. If my brother is about to go to the cornerstore, I might request if he could bring me my favorite soda. And guess what, more often than not the answer is “yes”!

The thing I still need to work on is asking help from the Universe. Here my limiting beliefs still come into play and I often catch myself thinking “nah, I won’t, it’s not possible anyway”. Or, “I’m not worth it.” In these moments I try to remind myself that if my co-worker is glad to drive me home and my bro has no problem bringing me the lemon soda from the cornerstore, then the Universe certainly does not object bringing me the magnificent stuff I’ve always dreamt of! Reprogramming the mind feels sometimes so complicated, yet it gives me immense satisfaction to know I’m in control now and that I’ve got the power to replace all these outdated programmes once installed.

Can’t wait your next vid! :)

Lady R

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Nancy May 7, 2017 at 14:50

I found this video to be validating. I started practicing receiving help gracefully after an injury. I now have to walk with a cane. I see myself as injured. I am experiencing others seeing me as disabled and that has been confusing until I figured out what was going on. Now, I can accept the help with grace. I am even beginning to ask for help when it is physically too painful to do something by myself.

Thanks for the validation.

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Isabelle May 7, 2017 at 16:26

Great topic and inspiring video, Melody!
Several people in my family, including the one who clued me into your blog, are great receivers. So much so that it’s a joy to be with them when they receive a gift from anyone!
I hadn’t thought about how I really am about receiving gifts and how that is such an obvious clue as to how well I can do deliberate receiving. I thought I was good at receiving, though I’m not one of the people who give great joy to all when I get a gift. But I don’t have hang ups about things freely given and I’m always super happy with the thought, no matter what the gift, but I’m sure now that I can still grow more in that area.
However, I accept offered help rarely. It’s hard to do because of the “I don’t want to be an inconvenience” thing and some kind of independence thing too.
When it comes to asking for help, I can only do that with people I know are happy to help me. Guilting anyone into anything is worse than asking, for me, so it’s not something I do not will I deal with it much. Some people know no other ways to get what they cannot get for themselves so I will take a bit of it, under those circumstances.
Asking for anything was Ok when growing up, but I didn’t realize that the people I’ve known since then, many of whom have a belief in asking not being ok, has effected me so much. But it has. I see that my self image iis truly behind it all. It’s very helpful to me to see how my ways of receiving of gifts and help and my resistance to asking, reveals an inabilty to receive. Thank you for that insight! This whole series of videos has also caused me to have a cascade of realizations today. Thank you!

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D. Wallace May 7, 2017 at 17:27

Receiving YOU loud & clear.

Glad you got back.
Was worried about you because it seemed that you had depleted yourself,
by giving out so much help to your followers.

Is there a layer of super-helpers that help the helpers keep helping?

Well, there should be— and if I knew one I would send them your way.

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Natalia May 8, 2017 at 02:42

Receiving.. Very important topic Melody, thanks.
I had a big aha-moment after suddenly changing my belief to “I CAN have what I want”. I used to go after different things, but was never satisfied even having achieved them. I guess my receiving depends a lot on this belief now. When I achieve something – it strengthens “I can have what I want”, when I don’t have something just yet, it strengthens the will and hope. It looks like I’m getting better at receiving day after day :-)

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andy May 8, 2017 at 06:29

Hi Melody
I really don’t like manipulation and you just know when someone is on the job , I prefer straight talking . I have come across people talking in riddles which when you work it out ,eventually, it amounts to them wanting you to carry out a task and I think -why not just ask .
Im pretty good at receiving as it touches me , really heartfelt especially when they have gone out of their way as that doesn’t happen very often at all.
I am guilty of saying things like ” you don’t have to” or ” you didn’t need to” when someone might offer to do something… So thank you for making me realise what I am doing .

I am learning so much here thanks Melody

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Lindon Hall May 8, 2017 at 06:46

Hi Melody,
I had to have my best mate put to sleep last week, she had been beside me for 13 yrs. I cried, no, I was distraught more than words. more than when my parents died. A part of me was gone forever. Even as I type this tears are rolling down my face. I needed help and my friends helped me in my time of need. I went to work and told one of my female colleagues and she really understood. Her words made me see, made me heal. She spoke from the heart. She loves pork pies. So the next day I bought her an English pork pie. For those who don’t understand about Pork pies ,It’s the sniffing of the wrapping, The anticipation of how it’s going to taste. It’s a drug. She helped me come to terms with my loss. So I received what I needed and I gave her one of the things she loves. The gift of giving and receiving is a wonderful thing.

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Julie May 8, 2017 at 06:55

Hi Melody, Once again, I appreciate your experience of realizing that asking for help is even an option! Somewhere along the line I realized that asking for help and being able to graciously receive are signs of maturity. So I tell my clients: It’s a sign of spiritual maturity to ask for and receive help. It’s a form of grace. <3
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Marsha May 8, 2017 at 10:45

A few years ago, I saw of friend of mine on campus. I complimented her on her jacket (it was a university jacket). When I did she gave it to me. I first said no, but then she explained: I work at the bookstore and I have tons of university clothes. I took the jacket and thanked her for it but first ask “are you sure?” A few weeks ago, I was wearing a wooden necklace. When I work, I wear a necklace and I have at least 100 necklaces in all styles. I was talking to a friend and she said: “of all your necklaces that is my favorite.” I took it off an put it on her and said: “it’s yours.” It made her happy and it made me happy. About a week later, I was at a meeting and met someone I had not seen in some time. She complimented me on my necklace and I handed it to her. After she was sure I meant it, she told me her house had be broken into and all her necklaces were stolen. She then she has bought two necklaces and now she has three. Again, I was happy. Watching your video today I realized that I need to me more gracious when accepting things. And I do have to ask for help more often. When I was a kid my father would always bring up what he had done for me as a way of saying you owe me. That is why I don’t like to ask for help. I’m finally realizing that asking for help is not a bad thing.

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Melissa May 8, 2017 at 18:21

Ohhh what a special topic!! I’ve been getting better at the feminine expression of receiving, especially chivalrous expressions from men… but from other women? I’m not there yet. :( the other day at the supermarket a lady offered to pay my (small) bill when she heard me apologize for leaving my wallet at home. I was aware of the dynamics of giving yet I couldn’t receive!! I felt twice as bad for my distractedness… it triggered my self consciousness as someone stated above, I didn’t want to be perceived as the “poor single mom who needs help”. It’s so hard to be vulnerable I guess… In the end I also felt bad for not being able to receive… Next time I’ll take the gift until with practice it stops hurting. Thank you! XOXO

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Merja May 8, 2017 at 23:26

Wow! This was so good. This is exactly what I have been trying to learn lately: Receiving. I am learning to accept gracefully, though I was like you. I should do everything by myself. Hah! Accepting is as you said a beautiful gift to another. We all want to give and feel ourselves useful. Accepting or receiving is giving the other person a gift of giving. Letting them feel themselves useful and good. Wonderful video and so relevant! Thank you!
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