Can You Be Cool Without Conforming?

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by Melody Fletcher on February 4, 2016

 

I LOVE today’s question! My two nephews, who are 10 and 13, were in the room when I shot this video, and I couldn’t appreciate the chance to answer this question more. A reader wants to be cool, but whenever she tries to be just like the “cool kids”, it doesn’t go well for her. Can she be her weird, non-conformist, wonderful self and still be cool? Watch today’s video to find out how I answered this one!

 

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Coaching Call #190 is out! The topic of this week’s call is: She Doesn’t Stand Up For Herself – Is This Connected To Her Excess Weight?

This caller contacted me because she wants to release her excess weight.  A physical symptom, like excess weight (for this caller), can mean there’s an imbalance with our energy, and it was clear early on in the call that she doesn’t stand up for herself, especially with her current boyfriend, who is verbally abusive towards her.  She feels powerless to set boundaries with him (and in previous relationships), and so the cycle continues.  Why does she allow herself to be treated this way, and how can she regain her power and see her own self worth in all its shining glory?

Listen in as we discuss how excess weight is connected to feelings of unworthiness and what she can do to regain her power, learn to stand up for herself and be the strong, powerful woman she really is.

This call is for you if you’re feeling powerless and unworthy but you’re ready to learn how to regain your power and be who you really are.

Read the full call summary here.

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Awesome Dudette’s Burning Question:

“Dear Melody, how do you conform when it doesn’t come naturally? Where I live, most people (particularly the stylish ones) wear simple and classic clothing. It’s a polished and tasteful look, and I would like to conform more to fit in with them. However, I’ve always been drawn to edgier fashion and people who have unique styles. It seems that I’ve always secretly admired eccentricity and failed whenever I’ve followed style rules in the past. Many of the people in my life could be said to be quite alternative and outside of the norm.

I feel it’s very difficult to dress in style and look like a fashion blogger. But I feel that I should. I want to be stylish and like the cool kids, but I don’t want to lose myself.”

 

Here’s my answer:

 

 

Transcript

Thanks Awesome Dudette, for a wonderful question! I’m really glad I get a chance to answer this because I think it’s something that particularly a lot of our young people need to hear. Everybody wants to be part of the cool crowd and everybody wants to conform, because they feel like they should. They don’t really want to, but they think their lives will be better if they do. But you see, here’s the big paradox, and it’s something that I will happily tell my two nephews:  You are not cool if you are conforming!

Conformity isn’t cool

The cool kids are the ones who do their own thing, and they don’t give a crap what anybody thinks about them.  Look at who the cool people are in the world; look at the people who actually make the impact; look at the people who are actually famous; and look at the people who stand out in a positive way.  They are the ones who are being themselves and who are doing what they want to be doing with all their heart.  They are using their creativity, they are being who they really are, and they are not letting anybody telling them not to do it.

What I get from your question is that you don’t really want to dress the way other people are dressing, you want to dress how you actually want to dress, and it hasn’t gone well for you in the past when you tried to do otherwise.  So my advice is: don’t go down that road!

Be who you really are

Give yourself permission to be who you actually are.  Remember the world doesn’t need a bunch of copy cats; it needs you who you actually are!  If there was not a need for you, actually who you are, in all your unique glory, you wouldn’t even exist!  You are here for a reason and that reason is to bring your unique gift to the world.  Don’t deny us that gift by trying to conform to some cookie cutter way for other people, who by the way, don’t want to conform either but are forcing themselves to fit in – out of fear.

Bottom Line

Step out of that fear and go ahead and be your gorgeous, fabulous, unique, eccentric self.  It definitely worked for me!!  Look where it got me!  And you can do it too!

I hope I’ve answered your question. If you think this message is valuable for somebody who you know, or a young person, please do share it on social media or email it to a friend who might need to hear this today.

What’s your idea of being cool? Do you feel cool and if so, please share how and why. What do you feel has contributed to your coolness?

As always, if you’d like to ask a question of your own, you can submit one using this link.

This has been this week’s Q&A. I’ll see you next time! Bye!

 

Additional Resources:

What is Beauty?

Why You Think You’re Ugly – The Fallacy of Standardizing Beauty

What if you’re more beautiful than you think you are?

{ 13 comments }

Nat February 4, 2016 at 18:27

Yay! So true!

kelli February 5, 2016 at 03:04

Hey Melody
I definitely feel cool…I have made a lot of unconventional choices in life and it worked out great for me too. I am living a life that many years ago I never would have dreamed could have come into existence,and it all started with doing things my way and questioning all the ‘rules’ and what not.

It isn’t always easy…it doesn’t have to be hard but considering most of us are dealing with a variety of ‘stuff’ this transition to authenticity can be a bit challenging at times. While being true to myself has required me moving outside of my comfort zone again, again and again, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Eventually we find our crew and we’ll attract those to us who ‘get it’.
kelli invites you to read..Law of Attraction: Some Thoughts on Intuitive Nudges and Inspired ActionMy Profile

Jasmine February 5, 2016 at 06:34

I loved this video! I find your advice so true and helpful. Had I known this during my teen years my life would probably be completely different! Oh well, we learn.

I have a question I’d love to ask you Melody. If we want to find a partner, is it necessary to go on blind dates or to parties and other social events? I really hate going to clubs and bars, but everyone keeps telling me to get out and be social if I want to meet someone. Or to try online dating (this sounds super unappealing!) I’m worried I won’t meet anyone because I’m not making myself available. And also if I don’t completely love myself 100%.

Natalie February 6, 2016 at 05:04
A February 6, 2016 at 11:52

Hello, Melody wrote a blog post which perfectly answers your question, I think. :)
Here:
http://www.deliberateblog.com/2012/01/12/dear-loa-can-you-just-bring-me-a-man-or-do-i-have-to-go-out-and-find-him/

Mary February 11, 2016 at 18:01

Have just now read this blog and I saw that no one has replied to your question yet. Is it okay to put in my two cents? I’m learning this along with everyone else, so take it with a grain of salt.

I think it doesn’t matter ‘where’ you meet someone. If you are at an event or somewhere that you don’t want to be, how are you gong to ‘attract’ for lack of a better word, the person that you would be interested in, if you’re not really being yourself? Then if you did meet someone, and then wanted to be more yourself, you might be a different person than the other person was initially interested in.

When I was desperately seeking someone, I used to pretend they were already there. How would I be acting? Would I be standing up straighter? In a happier mood? Less stressed? What would I be saying and talking about with them? In my mind, I pictured getting to know them better already because we’d met and were happy.

Then, when we did meet, I was back in my home state, out with the girls at a going away celebration with one of them, had stopped at a gas station to phone one of my friends and he pulled into the spot next to us. How’s that for the universe working to put everything into place? He didn’t go to ‘social events’ or any of those other things either, so I wouldn’t have met him that way.

I hope I’ve helped a little anyways. Mary

Abi G. February 5, 2016 at 07:04

Melody. I LOVE YOU. You are always on POINT!!! I am always so afraid to be myself. I’ve always wanted to be fun and cool but was afraid to show my true self. Funny thing is when I would try to become what I think would be “cool or funny” people would repel from me. As soon as I wasn’t trying, people loved what I had to say/do. Why is that? I used to be picked on for being myself and now whenever I am myself, people seem to like that. What changed? As always, thank you for your wisdom and light that you bring into this world. I am constant reader and supporter. Love, love love xoxo

Aurore February 5, 2016 at 20:06

Love this! Melody in one video you just hit the nail on the head for many different aspects of people ‘just being themselves’. No doubt this will help lots of people. Got to be one of my favourite of your videos :-) . Thanks!

Aniket February 6, 2016 at 08:06

Awesome Reply Melody!!!

Everyone has their own unique vibrational signature and no one else can copy that.
There is absolutely comparison between any two individuals.
Each of us have come in this physical realm with their own unique divine guidance and should follow their heart.
This is how they can serve the world and themselves.
Aniket invites you to read..Death – A Good Reason to Follow Your PassionMy Profile

Arnold February 9, 2016 at 18:34

Being yourself is the best you can do, recently, I’ve had this idea of visualizing a perfect life to achieve the peak of my potential, it’s going great!, I feel healtier already.

I think it’s because that there’s power in being yourself and only by being yourself you can reach the peak of your potential.
Arnold invites you to read..Your true self, achieve onenessMy Profile

Nelu Mbingu February 25, 2016 at 02:51

Hello Melody!

I like the way you think :)

I, for one, have completely given up on trying to fit in. I am way too awkward and there’re way too many things I’m not good at. So I don’t think I’ll ever be part of the “cool kids”.

I think what’s best is for all of us to keep trying to discover who we are and to stay true to that. Conforming gets us no where.

Thanks for sharing this!

Cheers,
Nelu

Ben April 7, 2016 at 05:18

Hi Melody,

This is the first time I’ve read your blog, but this post really stood out to me.

When I was younger, I had a really hard time fitting in with the “cool kids” and no matter how much I conformed, it just never happened for me. But, when I got into university and started experimented with my own weird, unique, personal style, everything just fell straight into place.

My question is… before we begin to attract this life that we want – the friends, the popularity, etc – do you think that we have to first be congruent and true to ourselves, otherwise the universe takes note? If we can’t fully accept ourselves, can we ever fully accept the gifts of our amazing universe?

Thanks for the great post, I’ll be spending a fair bit of my day reading some of your other posts… it seems I’ve got a lot to catch up on.

Kindest regards,

Ben

Melody Fletcher April 16, 2016 at 23:43

Welcome Ben!

The Universe will give you what you can allow. It’s not an all or nothing thing. So you might attract SOME of what you want, and SOME of what you don’t want at the same time. Your reality will always mirror back to you what you’re a match to, and what you’re willing to put with. I hope that makes sense.

Huge hugs,

Melody

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