Blaming Yourself vs. Taking Responsibility

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by Melody Fletcher on June 18, 2015

 

Coaching Call #157 is out! The topic of this week’s call is: How Can She Get Her Voice Heard Around Other People?

This caller has already done a lot of work with LOA and is starting to feel a lot better about herself but she still has an underlying belief that makes her feel afraid around some people.  She doesn’t think they hear her when she talks and she blames this on not being good enough for them.  She’d love to be a confident and outgoing person but she has no idea how to get there.

Why does she feel this way and why is the universe giving her experiences that match this fear? Listen in as we work through this limiting belief and to what happens to your reality when you remove it.

This call is for you if you have a belief that you’re not good enough and you want to have the confidence to be who you really are around other people.

Read the full call summary here.

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Awesome Dudette’s Burning Question is:

“What do you do when it feels like the universe, life, and yourself are all against you? How do you get out of a cycle of self-sabotage? Whenever I take responsibility, I end up blaming myself for doing so many things wrong and feel worse than before, even more put off from doing exercises that could shine light on limiting beliefs. I rarely feel inspired to act towards my greatest desires, and when I motivate myself to do so, it feels very tedious and full of struggle. Thus I feel completely stuck in life and like I keep myself from what I really want; I keep sabotaging myself.”

Here’s my answer:

Additional resources:

Transcripts

 Well awesome Dudette, here’s the thing:  Taking responsibility and blaming yourself are not even close to the same thing.  Although, most people do tend to confuse the two.  Here’s the difference:

Responsibility and self blame

When you take responsibility for how you feel, your emotions, your vibration and your creative power…….It’s empowering.  That means, now you know you can do something about the situation.  You’re looking forward and towards what you want, with the belief you can get it, and you’re willing to allow yourself to feel better.  When you’re in self blame, on the other hand, what happens is, you put a real negative focus on yourself.  You get stuck in what I call; ‘The Cycle of Doom’ and you’re not taking responsibility for your vibration or your creative power.  You’re trying to take responsibility for how screwed up you are, how many mistakes you’ve made and how you’ve really messed up your life, and blah-blah-blah……….  None of that is going to feel really good and that just feeds negative emotion back onto yourself.   This causes you to feel worse – you feed that back onto yourself – and that causes you to feel even worse and now, you’re stuck in the cycle of doom.

Stop blaming yourself

The way to get out of that cycle is by taking responsibility, not blame; you’ve got to stop blaming yourself.  You are where you are, you’ve done what you’ve done – yes maybe you’ve made some mistakes, we all have, but you’ve got to be ok with that.  Every time you’ve made a mistake, in that moment, recognize you were really only doing the best that you could, at the time. 

Here’s the thing you want to avoid:  Do not judge your past self, even last week’s past self, even 10 minutes ago past self, by what you know now.  Do not look at yourself through hindsight glasses.  That’s kind of like, looking at yourself when you were 5 years old and saying, “God, Why wasn’t I reading Tolstoy, I was so stupid,” – just because you can read it now.  You couldn’t then, you didn’t know as much as you know now.  So don’t judge your past self, on what you know now.  You did the best that you could; you chose the best feeling option that you could.  Is it an option that you’d choose now?  Probably not, but that doesn’t mean that at the time, you made a mistake.  You did the best that you could; you learnt from it, you moved on.  Maybe there’s more to learn from it now – that’s something you can get into as you explore your own emotions.  It doesn’t mean you made a mistake and it doesn’t mean you have to keep harping on and on to yourself about how horrible you are or how many stupid things you’ve done.  You really haven’t done anything stupid; you always did the best that you could.

A constructive anger release

So, here’s my advice:  Go ahead and let the emotions come up, as you’ve been trying to do, but do not swop over into self blame.  Feel the frustration of how stuck you are, feel the trapped feeling of that.  The next thing that’s probably going to come up is anger, probably a fair amount of it. I did a dedicated video here on “How to have a Constructive Anger Release.” 

You want to let this anger out but you don’t want to let it out in a damaging way.  Do not shut down the anger and do not direct the anger at yourself.  It’s one of the rules of a constructive anger release and the biggest no-no is to direct the anger at yourself.  That’s actually what you’re doing right now.  The anger’s coming up, the frustration’s coming up, turning into anger, you direct it at yourself and that’s exactly what that cycle of doom is.  You’re getting pulled into anger, anger wants to empower you and…….. you shut it down.  This causes you to feel even worse, anger comes up and…… you shut it down.  Every time you do that you just keep yourself more and more stuck.

Here’s a little technique that you can do to break that:  Instead of getting angry with yourself, get angry at somebody else.  Anybody else! You can be angry at God, The Universe, The Government, your ex-boyfriend, your Mother, it doesn’t matter who you’re angry at.  If you do it constructively, it means you don’t do it to their face, you don’t send them a hateful email and you don’t go out and break somebody’s nose.  You just do this in your own home.  Let the angry flow out towards someone else and away from yourself.  You will actually have an angry release instead of it just coming up and going back into the cycle of doom.  Then you will become unstuck, you’ll have an energy rush and you will feel a whole lot better. 

Inspired Action

You will become more inspired to take action.  The reason you can’t take action right now, why it feels so hard, is because you’re trying to take action too soon.  You’re trying to take action without having aligned your energy with what you want.  It’s like there’s this wall of resistance that’s come up and you’re trying to walk through it but instead, you keep hitting right into it.  You can’t do that; you have to release it first.  I promise you, action will be inspired, you will feel a lot better and you will have that passionate, joyful life you want.

That was my A to your Q.  If you like this content please consider sharing it with somebody who would find it valuable as well. And if you’ve had any kind of issues with self-sabotage or self blame, join the discussion by leaving a comment below.

Huge happy shiny puppy hugs to all of you, and see you next time.

Bye!

{ 28 comments }

Michael Australia June 18, 2015 at 15:08

OMG at last someone who finally has stated to the world – yes self-blame is counter productive.

Taking responsibility does not mean you may not apologise to someone or make amends but it means you take action to learn, remedy and maximise a healing or positive outcome.

People (maybe even animals or nature) may horrible mistakes and I would not say to anyone here if they have experienced horrific things like I have to just forgive outright. However, people make mistakes, leopards do change spots especially if our energy changes towards them, but this constant shaming of them especially online, if they make amends and take responsiblity and do something to heal it, it should be reported. But most just like to shame like a herd mentality.

Yes the anger can sometimes be challenging to leave it at home, but I’ve found this works. A great post.

Ian Listman June 18, 2015 at 15:23

Such a great post!

Everyone deals with negativity from time to time…
I think Dudette is just a very compassionate person toward others for trying to take all the blame on herself. In reality the blame is never on oneself 100%. We deal with environment, people, circumstance and whatnot (which are things we don’t have full control over).

Staying in that negative circle is not going to help yourself, nor anyone so the point that was made in the post to get all the anger and frustration out of your system will be a great leap forward into a positive harmonious state.

Another helpful way to regain strength I may suggest;
At the end of each day, mention three things that you have done that day that make you feel good about yourself. Not from a narcissistic point of view, but you are really just setting up the brain wiring to build confidence in yourself.

In every obstacle we defeat there is growth and growth builds character.

All the best!

Ian

Michael Charles June 18, 2015 at 15:29

Yes. Self blame versus responsibility. A crucial topic. Thanks for your insight into this issue which is always a big one for me.

Kerry June 18, 2015 at 15:29

This post was spot on for me! This is exactly how I feel and have been feeling the better part of my adult life. I feel so disappointed in myself and angry that I feel that wall of resistance. I have not been able to break through it. I have so much anger at myself for my failures. Thank you for this post…you have given me some tools and I don’t feel so crazy now. Thank you!!

Holly June 18, 2015 at 17:29

Perfect timing as usual!!!!

Bibi June 18, 2015 at 17:51

Do you have any suggestions for feeling shameful for impulsive reactions

Stefanos K June 18, 2015 at 18:44

Great post Melody, really enjoyed the video format.

One small thing though:when rendering the audio, make sure to add a compressor to even out the dynamics and the loudness. When the ending jingle comes up, it’s much more loud than the previous spoken part…

Looking forward to more videos!!

Melody Fletcher June 18, 2015 at 18:49

Hey Stefanos,

Thanks so much for the feedback. I actually did that, but I guess it wasn’t enough… :)

Hugs!

Melody

Stefanos K June 18, 2015 at 19:39

I suggest lowering the threshold some more, and/or applying two different compressors: one for the spoken part, and one for the jingle.
I’d be glad to offer assistance if you need it!

Cordy June 18, 2015 at 21:57

Great! I really relate to the questioner’s stuckness on some topics. I notice that in some topics, it’s really hard – almost impossible – to get into anger, even though I intellectually know how it would work and that it would work and that I wouldn’t hurt anyone doing a constructive anger release… I find myself stuck in a loop of shutting down my own anger impulse because I get a kind of faux-compassionate jolt of “That person was doing the best they could” or “enlightened” ideas (that are just more self-blame, really!) like “Well, I attracted that situation, not really sure who I can blame for that”.

It’s something I’m working on right now, anyone else? (Hoping to steal some ideas, LOL!)

rosie June 19, 2015 at 13:30

I’m the same! I can get angry for a very short time then i just think/feel ‘well i let it happen so i cant blame them really.’ It has actually made me overly forgiving (of some people anyway) – i forgive and forget some fairly big incidents in the space of a couple of hours! Thats always what feels best to me but it means i get into some repetitive situations of being let down that i get on with instead ofmaking sure they stop…

Also any tips would be appreciated!

Awesome Dudette June 18, 2015 at 23:18

Hi Melody,

What a nice surprise to see that you made a video about my question! It has undoubtedly helped me and I’m sure many other readers will benefit too. :)

Since I submitted this question, I’ve been feeling much more empowered. Things aren’t perfect, and sometimes I continue to beat up on myself or push myself too much, but overall I feel much more empowered and in control of my life. I am looking more towards the future and to bettering my life, making changes, and my thoughts and actions reflect this. I feel that I’m moving forward, taking control, creating positive momentum, and this makes me feel really good.

I felt so angry, so powerless, that I just decided that things have to change. For a while I was really angry at the law of attraction itself, and the whole personal development industry. Once I let that out, I decided to really take ownership of my life. Even if I can’t see the entire road ahead, I decided to take the steps I can in the right direction. I’m focusing more on changing my actions and thoughts so that I am more in alignment with the vision of how I want to live and who I want to be.

By the way, you look great! And I’m so happy for you and all the exciting things coming up for you. :) It’s a really wonderful thing that your audience is growing and will continue to grow with the book release…your message is really powerful and will continue to impact people around the world.

Renee Labrenz June 19, 2015 at 04:13

Wonderful information. Well worth reading. Thank you for sharing.

Edelweiss June 19, 2015 at 07:41

What a timely post! I have two questions on this one:

First, you say that one can’t blame oneself because you didn’t have the information or ability back then, but what if you do? I have been reading this blog, I know, for example, not to beat up on myself, and then I do exactly that. Clearly I can’t use the excuse that I didn’t know. I do.

The other issue is about not confronting the person you are angry with. I get that you do this privately, but what if you are really angry with God. You can’t not do this to their face and there is strong resistance to that.

Brian June 19, 2015 at 18:41

“… what if you are really angry with God.”

In the past, I have no interest anymore, but before if I was upset with God, or Source, I would allow my anger. “F— you God. You’re an a–hole.” Fully let it out. And right after, I felt better, ha ha. Because I knew, with God being unconditional love, they would understand. In fact, my anger would simply make them lovingly laugh and love me even more, which made me laugh and love my situation and self even more.

Also, you are Source. You are that which you call God. So, getting angry at God is also getting angry at yourself.

The question becomes, why do you feel it is beneficial, and helps you, to blame yourself? The only reason anyone wants anything is because they believe they will feel better in the having of it. So, if you blame yourself, you may have a belief that you will feel better in blaming yourself than in accepting and be more understanding with yourself.

What is your resistance to be more accepting and understanding of yourself?

To ask it another way:

What are you most afraid would happen, if you didn’t blame yourself, and simply loved and accepted yourself when you make a mistake?

Summer June 19, 2015 at 18:53

This is the third time today something has triggered me and made me cry (two of them from online videos). Normally I would be really upset about this, but now I’m kind of excited underneath. Somethings about to happen…..I do feel better now. Love and light to you Melody and everyone here!! :)
Summer invites you to read..Do you hate to exercise?My Profile

wilder than the wind June 20, 2015 at 04:28

I have a similar question to the asker. If we are the universe, if the universe is in us, then trusting the universe means trusting ourselves, right? Here’s where it gets confusing and messy: does that mean we are responsible for making things happen? For getting what we want? That we need to take control and act to obtain something we want even if the action feels uninspired? This may sound silly, but I hear all the time about inspired action and not acting until you’re inspired. But if we are the universe, then we need to take control of the situation and make things happen?

wilder than the wind June 20, 2015 at 04:48

Oops, I forgot to add: where is the grey area between being proactive (taking action towards what you want) and allowing (doing whatever feels inspired, even if this means doing nothing and can feel like waiting). I was just reading Melody’s post about how she manifested her book deal, and I’ve been feeling the same way about some things I want. I feel like I should be taking the logical steps in that direction, but I just haven’t been inspired to do those things as much as I think I should. I’m afraid I’m wasting time or just being delusional waiting to get a clearer signal about when to act or for a clearer knowing of what steps to take.

Terry June 20, 2015 at 07:32

Dear Melody,
Another amazing topic, wow. Loving it !

Brian,
My computer is still searching…what a very good question !

Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com June 20, 2015 at 18:30

Hi Melody! Such a great topic and so important to remember that taking responsibility for ourselves does not translate to blaming ourselves. I found that for me keeping my focus on where I am going and what I hope to experience and express are always my best solution. That’s why I came up with a list of my favorite quotes to help…and they do. Thanks again for all your advice. ~Kathy
Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com invites you to read..My Top 10 Favorite Quotes From Abraham-HicksMy Profile

Terry June 21, 2015 at 03:16

I know, got it… humiliation, boo boo, bad decisions…
Sometimes afraid of making mistakes.
Current status equals present times…eg. pressure cooker…
My all time favorite is would you pls. be able to do this by…
Relax… I got this… well rewarded…other side of the rainbow,
so golden. Should of been a Dentist. Now open-up wide…
About the Universe, you would not believe…just how powerful
you Are !(There is some thing you can and have already done.
But you simply have to open to another state of consciousness
you possess ! ) See more about the now moment.

*And* I just love the way Bruce Lee says karate.
Yeay …

Terry June 21, 2015 at 06:10

Do not concentrate on one style, but all styles. Yes, be like water…

kelli June 21, 2015 at 16:00

Hey Melody
Loved this so much. You hit the nail on the head with the core difference…responsibility empowers us by helping us realize we created the previous situations and by shifting focus we can keep creating, but this time more deliberately and what we want.

I think this aspect of LOA is what gets people’s panties in a bunch, and leads many to dismiss it completely and that’s just a shame!
kelli invites you to read..Podcast Episode #5: Law of Attraction: The Art of Detaching and AllowingMy Profile

Action Woman June 23, 2015 at 00:33

Thanks for the great post as always Melody. What is helping me at the moment is book I’ve just read called ‘my stroke of insight’ by Jill bolte taylor, and her interview with Oprah, and loa has led me to onto ‘the power of now’ by Eckhart Tolls. I wouldn’t of gained the deeper understanding of them without what I’ve learned from Melodys teachings. All the great spiritual teachers seem to reinforce the other. It has helped me understand why we all selfblame and how pointless and destructive it is, and not just to ourselves, because you know our vibration can influence others. Jill bolte Taylor’s Ted lecture and her interview with Oprah is to me the most influential interview I’ve ever seen, helps if you read the book first. Profound stuff.

Terry June 23, 2015 at 14:41

bottom line * Believe In Yourself *

Dr. Ian RoeBuck June 24, 2015 at 23:39

Great session and indeed taking responsibility for ones actions and blaming ones self are two distinctly and counter-productive things. You are so right in your summation, which by the way has helped me in one of my own difficulties, as the hidden seed of repressed and self directed anger starts to sprout. Let it OUT! Yep, that’s a really good focus you had on most self-blaming. Good job.

Mazino June 25, 2015 at 10:25

Blaming yourself or taking responsibilty could somehow be the same but nevertheless the message was understood.

BJ September 7, 2015 at 06:29

Very helpful – thanks Melody. A higher up got fired and is placing pretty much all of the blame on me because – well he was incompetent and his interactions with me highlighted this; even though that was not my intention. I based my decisions on common sense and on behalf of the company and carried on with my day. I didn’t have it out for the guy and honestly forgot about him most of the time. His firing came as a shock – but since I’ve noticed cronies from his circles are giving me glaring looks, not speaking, etc. what baffles me the most is that I don’t have the influence or authority to get him or anyone else fired so the fact that everyone is so ready to believe the lies is a point that Im going to work on from an LOA perspective. Long story short- your posts on guilt and self blame helped to lift the heaviness off from the situation so that I can let it go through an anger session and let it dissipate.

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