Is It Possible To Have A Happy Divorce?

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by Melody Fletcher on October 23, 2014

Just a quick note for those of you who would like to join us in NYC on November 9th: We are almost sold out and only have a few tickets left (I believe it’s 16 regular seats and 2 VIP seats at the time of this writing.) CLICK HERE to reserve your seat today.

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Coaching Call #123 is out! The topic of this week’s call is: Her Great Life Suddenly Fell Apart. Can She Get Her Power Back?

This is a powerful, powerful call. This client’s life used to be easy. She was outgoing, had lots of friends and felt happy almost all the time. All of that changed abruptly, however, when she moved to a new city. Her career stagnated, she had trouble finding friends, and she now feels like a lost and isolated misfit

How did this happen? Why would her vibration change so rapidly? And most importantly, how can she turn it around and be who she wants to be?

This call is all about remembering who you really are, a powerful creator who gets to have what you want.  If you need a reminder about who you really are, this call is for you.

Read the full call summary here.

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Awesome Amy’s Burning Question: “The topics of your weekly posts always line up with my present needs/issues. I love that. This post hit home especially because my marriage has been pushing against resistance and we finally addressed (released?) the issue at hand.

Change is scary for us micromanagers who tend to trust and expect negative outcomes.

One question that came up after reading this post (following my marital upheaval) was: is easy/joyous change possible in a person’s life without the person’s participation?  For example, can a person sit back and enjoy life, feel good and have a significant event take place because they want it to happen? An event such as a divorce?”

Dear Awesome Amy,

You really kind of pose two questions, with the second being hidden within the first.

You ask if it’s possible to experience an event, such as a divorce, without participating in it. Well, yes, and no, depending on how you look at it (and how much of a stickler for technicalities you are). Let me explain.

Do you have to participate in your manifestations?

Of course it’s possible to experience all kinds of events without directly participating in them. You can hear about an earthquake that you didn’t personally feel. You can watch a party from the sidelines. And your partner could divorce you without your participation, as long as you didn’t contest it and enough years had passed (also, I believe you’d have to disappear). Notice that I said you don’t have to directly participate in these events, as in, you may not physically be involved.

You will always, however, be energetically and emotionally involved. When you hear about the earthquake, you will have a reaction to it. If you have family in the stricken region, you may react with worry or fear. If you see a funny video on YouTube of a cat trying to keep its balance during the quake, you may react with laughter (someone PLEASE upload that video!).The event will bring up all kinds of memories and/or associations within you that will cause you to feel something. In fact, if you are aware of an event, you are, by default, participating in it. You are sharing in that energy in some way. So, can you get divorced without participating? No. You can’t experience anything in your reality without it being part of said reality. To put it another way: if you are in the room when someone farts, you’re going to participate in the experience, even though you “smelt” it rather than “dealt” it. That’s right. I made a fart joke. You’re welcome.

This brings us to the second, and what I consider to be the real question: Why would you NOT want to participate in your manifestations? The answer is pretty simple: because you think it will suck if you do. You think, and one can’t really blame you for doing so, that going through a split with your soon to be ex-husband will be a long, at least somewhat torturous process. The only reason you’d ever want to withdraw from participating in your life is because you’re trying to avoid something uncomfortable. So, the question I believe you really wanted to ask is: Is it possible to experience something such as a divorce in a positive and even joyful way? And of course, the answer is yes.

How to make your divorce fun

You see, you can make ANYTHING into a positive experience if you so choose. That includes divorces, office Christmas parties, a visit to the DMV and even funerals (go to an Irish wake. You’ll see what I mean). How is that possible, you may we wondering? Well, let me tell you.

Here are a few ground rules you’ll want to keep in mind to make any event fun:

  1. Always remember that how you experience any event is entirely up to you. This means that other people’s opinions cannot matter to you. Just because society accepts that divorce is an ugly process, doesn’t mean that you have to buy into that.
  2. You really, really, really can’t need anyone else to agree with you on this. Be prepared for the fact that most people will not get this. They won’t understand how you could possibly be happy when convention dictates that you should be miserable.
  3. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to do anything. There is no appropriate amount of time to grieve when a loved one transitions to non-physical (“dies”). There is no correct way to feel when you get laid off from work. There are no rules for how you’re supposed to conduct yourself throughout a divorce. The really weird thing is that in our current society, you’re more likely to get shit for being happy during your divorce than for losing your mind and crashing your car through your ex’s living room window. People understand rage better than they understand joy. *le sigh*

In other words, YOU get to decide if you want to have a happy divorce and no one else, not even the guy you’re divorcing, can force you to feel otherwise.

That being said, you can’t fake this happiness. You can’t just pretend to be totally Zen about the fact that your marriage is ending, and experience it as such. You actually have to feel that way. If you don’t, you need to be honest about how you feel and raise your vibration from there. Chances are that since you’re asking this question, you’re not currently ecstatic about the upcoming divorce proceedings, so here are a few tips on how to get into a better feeling place:

Focus on the benefit

You married this person once, and you must’ve had your reasons. What were they? You loved this person deeply and wanted to spend the rest of your life together. And while these feelings may have changed, that doesn’t negate the good times. You were good for each other, you learned from each other, you helped each other evolve. You wouldn’t be the person you are today had it not been for this relationship. As such, the marriage was not a failure just because it ended.

Don’t focus on what went wrong (it’s not wrong to evolve, even if that means you are no longer a match to each other), but rather on how you both benefited from each other. Let me put it another way: do you think that going to High School was a mistake just because you moved on to college? Did you fail at school because you graduated? Would it have been better if you’d stayed in school, repeating your freshman year over and over again? I’m not saying that relationships are like a school, where you learn your lessons and get out, but the idea that moving beyond something is a bad thing is ridiculous.

We are always changing and evolving. Of course, it’s possible for a relationship to last for many years, even until death, but in order for it to be a happy one for all of that time, both partners have to allow each other to change and evolve and simply become a match to each other over and over again. When this is not the case, both partners should allow themselves to continue to change and evolve instead of trying to force each other to stay the same (stunting growth never feels good) and them blaming their partner when they don’t comply with this ludicrous and impossible demand.

Focus on how you benefited from this marriage. Appreciate your husband for how he helped you to grow into who you’ve become today. And remember, just because you no longer want to share your life with someone, doesn’t mean you can’t love them anymore. In fact, a lot of people are way easier to love from afar. Being divorced from someone does not mean that you can’t still see what an awesome person they are.

Focus on what you’re gaining

If you’ve figured out that a divorce is the best feeling option for you, then you’re going to be gaining something from taking that step. You’re going to be leaving a situation that no longer serves you. To a lot of people, this will feel like freedom, especially if the relationship has gone way past its expiration date. Now, it’s quite common and even totally understandable to focus on this freedom in terms of what it is you’re being freed from. Most people will now spend a lot of time and energy justifying why it’s ok for them to feel good by way of slamming their ex-partner. After all, it’s ok to feel free if you’re leaving a prison, right? It’s ok to get divorced and even feel good about it if your husband was a total asshole.

These types of justifications, however, are only ever due to guilt about getting divorced in the first place. This is also what causes partners to feel the need to shine a horrible light on their ex, or to make it all their fault. This type of behavior stems from the belief that divorce is, in and of itself, wrong. But think about it: according to this belief, it’s more important to stay together than to be happy. In fact, you should stay together no matter how miserable you both become. And if you are miserable, it’s only because you didn’t try hard enough. What a bunch of bullshit.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating for a break up at the slightest sign of trouble. I’ve managed to help save several marriages in my career. But I also don’t believe that divorce is wrong. Each couple and each person has to figure out what’s best for them in the moment. Demonizing any action or outcome essentially takes away our ability to do that (and the people who advocate for that have no faith in people’s ability to govern their own lives).

You are allowed and totally able to feel good about your divorce and the life you’re now stepping into without demonizing your marriage or your partner. You can have had a great marriage and still get divorced. In fact, the less need you have to blame your partner (no blame is necessary. Nothing has gone wrong), the more chance you have of having a happy divorce.

Own your shit

And last, but not least, if you want to enjoy your divorce, you’ll have to own your shit. This means that you’ll not only have to be honest about how you really feel (remember, you can’t fake it), you’ll have to take responsibility for your emotions. Your partner is not and was not responsible for manifesting the life you wanted for you. You cannot blame him for the fact that you now feel as though you have no future (I’m not saying that you, Awesome Amy, are doing that, but most people going through a break up do). If you are choosing to focus that way and are feeling the pain that results from such a limited perspective, that’s on you.

But, you also don’t have to let your ex or anyone else (mother in law…) make you feel guilty for destroying your partner’s life (by staying and feeling miserable. Because their happiness is apparently more important than yours). You are, I’m assuming, divorcing an adult who can take care of himself. If they choose to sit on the couch for the rest of their lives and blame you for it, that’s on them. Own your shit, but ONLY your shit.

You can have the life you want. In fact, getting away from a partner who is no longer a match to you will move you closer to that manifestation than staying would have (staying in a bad feeling situation does not make you a match to something that feels good). Insisting that your partner has to be the delivery boy for that life is unfair and doesn’t work. Bless the relationship for what it was and how it benefited you, and look forward to what’s coming next. But also remember that if you have to honor how you feel. If you are sad, be sad. Feel the emotion and allow it to tell you what you’re really sad about (it could very well be one of the beliefs I addressed in this post).

Bottom line

Marriage is a big manifestation. And so is divorce. It’s bound to bring up a lot of emotions in both partners. But if you are conscious, if you own your shit and if you’re willing to see the benefit of both the marriage and the divorce, you’ll be well on your way to having a divorce you won’t mind participating in.

{ 40 comments }

Princess from Oz October 24, 2014 at 06:04

What if we are comfortable divorcing but are concerned about the effects on our children. Does the future become worse because of the guilt associated with the impact on our children?

April October 24, 2014 at 18:25

In my opinion, the children will process the divorce depending on how their parents are handling it. For example, if they see this nasty separation playing out, they might begin to draw some false conclusions from that. Like thinking that they’re the cause of those arguments, or thinking that love and marriage is somehow bad. Whereas if the parents both seem comfortable and civil, I think it’s more likely that the kids will feel that way too. Especially if the parents took time to calmly explain what’s going on, so the children don’t feel like they’re in the dark, and that random things are happening. Like Melody said, in society we consider certain emotional reactions and behaviors normal based on what someone is experiencing, but not every child with divorced parents are negatively impacted. Some children, because they don’t harbor negative beliefs about themselves, marriage, divorce, etc, don’t react badly to the situation at hand. I’ve heard of children that accept what’s happening and roll with it. So I think it depends on their parent’s energy- the children will be able to feel it and that’ll impact how they’ll perceive their circumstances.

As for guilt, like Melody said here, you get to choose how to perceive any situation, and that perception can ultimately determine how you feel about it. You can acknowledge the fact that constant guilt won’t help you, or your children, have better lives (although it’s fine to feel your feelings and get it all out). You can be compassionate toward yourself, and understand that you ended your marriage for the good of you and your kids. There’s quite a few different ways to view it, and like I said, I think your kids will respond to your energy around the situation. Also, I think there’s am article of Melody’s about guilt, where she uses the ending of a relationship as an example. Might help. :)

Cordy October 25, 2014 at 02:04

Abraham has said that if parents said “Hey! We have great news! You’re going to have TWO houses, and your parents are going to be even happier than they ever have been, and you’re going to love it!” (And, of course, the parents really believed/vibrated that intent.) kids would not really have divorce trauma.

The more I’ve pondered this, the more it makes sense to me!

Joanna October 25, 2014 at 10:30

Actually, conflicts tend to have the worst effect on children when their parents go through a divorce. Conflicts and unstable parents. So… it totally makes sense, that although kids have to adjust to the change taking place, the way the parents handle the situation is most important and so their vibration is everything :)

Susann October 24, 2014 at 06:07

I don’t think the word “happy” is one I’d use, but it certainly is possible to have an amicable divorce in which neither party is hurt or taken advantage of, and both remain friends for years afterward.

My ex-husband and I did just this. We didn’t get a divorce until almost 2 years after we separated, but when we did, we did it after discussing it thoroughly. We used the same lawyer (this isn’t legal in some places, apparently), and after all the papers were signed, we went to a nice restaurant for supper, not as a celebration but simply because it felt right. We remained friends, went for dinner once a week and movies whenever one was released we knew we’d both enjoy (one of the things we had in common was a love of movies). I met his women friends, he met my gentlemen friends, he cat-sat for me, I took care of his apartment when he was away on business. We even still had a joint bank account until I moved across the country. We’re still in touch occasionally but have pretty much gone our own ways, but gently.

I’ve watched friends go through those savage divorces where each party is trying to eviscerate the other financially & emotionally and I find it incomprehensible that someone can want to hurt another person that badly. That said, don’t think I always behaved perfectly. There was, for instance, the memorable melt-down I had when I discovered he was sleeping with his new girl friend in *my* bed. I had walked away from both the man *and* the bed and wanted neither, but I was still raging mad that some other woman had appropriated the use of both. LOL!

Kristen October 28, 2014 at 21:40

Haha, sounds like my fiance and his ex-wife, mostly. Totally possible!

Faith October 24, 2014 at 09:37

Wow, I need to show this to my aunt. She wants to have a easy divorce but doesn’t know how. She would really benefit from this

Summer Starr October 24, 2014 at 14:50

Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly love this blog more, then you break out the fart jokes! :)

I got divorced in 2003 because my husband was very manipulative and emotionally/verbally abusive. I don’t blame him anymore. He was just a sad, little man in a lot of pain who needed a verbal punching bag to make himself feel better and my “old self” was more than willing to stand there and take the verbal assault. Eventually, I got sick of that crap and moved on. My divorce was one of the happiest times of my life back then. :)

:) Inspired person from Sweden October 24, 2014 at 16:57

I LOVE your blog Melody!! You are SO smart, funny, inspiring, happy!!! You’re like Gandalf, wise and powerful! Just wanted to say this :) Have a nice weekend!

Judy October 24, 2014 at 20:21

I, too, got divorced. Five years ago I was in a very dark place and wanted to end my life. I had 5 kids, however, and could not leave them like that. My ex is a very difficult man to live with due to his suppressed and not-so-suppressed anger, and it took ten years for me to finally decide that my true happiness and self-esteem was worth more to me and my kids than the safety of the institution of marriage. Our divorce was very fast and there was almost no arguing. Looking back, he probably was in shock and didn’t think I was actually going to go through with it and I suspect he signed all the papers for me just to humor me. Regardless, the divorce was done and over very quickly, from “I want a divorce,” in February, to signed divorce decree in May. I usually see him through a lens of pity that he can’t seem to recognize that he can change his life and be a happier man. I only hate him when he really gets my goat. I have even found a way to be thankful for the terrible verbal sewage he used to spew at me because I learned how to be very “diplomatic” as my new father-in-law says. I learned how to negotiate the minefield of emotions of angry people, and I think that is a very useful skill. I also got my beautiful children who bring me more joy than he gave me grief. We are now happiest at arms length and I pity him that he has driven away the love of his oldest two kids, who no longer want to go visit him at ages 12 and 15. I found a good man and married him and have a much happier life now than I ever could have had with my ex.

Michael October 25, 2014 at 00:37

Wow awesome advice but where I disagree is, I don’t think this is just for marriage. I’d say friendships too. Also to an extent when you leave a job.

Last night I reconnected with my ex partner (I was ‘straight’ then) and although we certainly did not break up nastily in 1988 it felt fantastic to hear from her and how her life has gone. I felt nothing but happiness and joy she sought me out.

But yesterday I broke up in a way with two of my work colleagues, one is moving back to the United States, the other i’ve changed and won’t tolerate BS from him anymore and he can’t understand that. He tries to get me to be something I’m not.

The point is, there is nothing wrong, to me, with keeping in contact with your ex, although again I apply this to friends or whatever, if that’s what you both want. Growing apart does not mean 100% cutting off. It just feels so good to feel not one sense of regret or hurt when you see them with someone else. It can be done.

It’s like the passing of a pet or person – we don’t have to say goodbye, in the fullness of time, we go to the same places, but inside we change and people move out of our lives, but often, and this is where I disagree with some blogs, they do come back in some form. We may be (and I love this from a previous blog entry in here) in the writing class now and they are in the dancing class, but that becomes less something sad and more a ‘wow this is cool’. Oh and now we have the Internet, we have always had photos, but reconnection seems easier now.

We grow apart but we can grow back and together with those we do. I’m not suggestion if someone abused us we go back (also covered in here once) it is a choice, but we can go back sometimes. How many have left a school friend behind we have nothing in common with then 30 years later we meet them and we have changed but we find they are great to talk to and be with.

Be flexible – dumping everyone and moving on gets stale.

BTW I don’t know if anyone will read this, but I wanted to thank everyone on here for getting me through a tough time. I know I am being mean to one person in my workplace, but it hurts a lot to be around him so every post, direct or not, helps me to see LOA is working even though I always seem to doubt it. That’s what I like: LOA won’t go “ok you cannot make up your mind I’m hitting you over the head with nasty stuff”.

Oh and a subpoint – again I preach flexibility just because one grows apart from someone or something does not mean we leave it behind always, when you go back to a place or meet someone you had an experience yes, yes it will be different but what a sense of accomplishment it is when you feel you have learnt a lot and can view your past as something wonderful, not the pain. That’s priceless.

Thanks for allowing the rant :)

PS I do understand some will argue there are some people you just cannot be around or don’t want to see for any reason but again I am just living in a rose coloured world were we all get along and love each other. Sorry if that’s unrealistic, but that’s who I am :)

A October 25, 2014 at 06:27

This and many other blog posts have been touching on issues I have had lately. I have been working on feeling good for a few months, which has manifested some better feeling things and I am feeling really good at the moment about life in general. But there is something regarding my relationship I can’t quite figure out how to deal with LOA-wise and I thought maybe some awesome LOA students here could help me out.
Throughout my marriage we have had lots of challenges but I thought we were doing ok. My husband is a basically a good man and father, but raising my vibration made me realise that I wasn’t really happy with how lots of things were handled. In fact there I had some serious issues about how I felt about things that had happened and whenever I brought them up my feelings were invalidated and the issues weren’t resolved to my satisfaction. So I started visualising and focusing on what I wanted in a relationship, when I do it I feel really good. But this meant that I started to detach emotionally from my husband in order to not feel pissed off and keep feeling good. He has noticed but other than confused and half hearted attempts at being affectionate, he doesn’t really seem to be making a concerted effort to find out why. Even if he did, he doesn’t seem to want to hear the answer. My question is, how do you feel good about someone when you are pissed off but you can’t walk away? Should you pretend everything is ok and fake it (and I mean ‘fake it’ in every sense) so as to avoid any problems even if I’m not really feeling it? I am kind of over arguing and trying to make my point because it goes nowhere and I get upset all over again so I don’t want to go there anymore. PS I have kids and can’t afford to leave and am not inspired to do that anyway right now.

Michael October 25, 2014 at 11:42

I’d rather leave a lot of the comments to the wiser ones but this is how I look at what you wrote.

With Craig and I, my co-worker, that may be a totally different type of relationship to yours, but I am experencing the same thing. I don’t agree, and this may annoy, that just because we raise our vibration means we move into the painting class and they remain in the dancing class as a previous blog said. We debated on that post the rather cold-hearted response most had in just let that guy go. Just because we go elsewhere does not mean someone or thing gravates out. If we match in one instant and grow apart and match to another, sure, but as your experience highlights it is not just a case of up and go in every situation.

I am in no way going to advise that. You obviously do think of the children so to say oh just up and leave because your vibration lifted is irresponsible, especially basing an important decision to strangers in a virtual world.

I know my ex friend does not understand me, he does not get I want to be treated better. Yes I have to respect him as he’s a co-worker but I just can’t go near him and I avoid him. I ask LOA to help and I feel it does that my setting up situations to protect me. As you wrote with your husband, my mate who I love/d a lot does not make an effort to understand me. Now why should he or your husband? It’s not their job.

I’d rather leave the advice to others I wish you well but in this case use LOA but also be practical before you make any decision to leave based purely on something intangible like vibration raising. Sometimes we raise our vibrations and they do leave – however, they raise their vibrations over the years and suddenly they come back. Have you ever met anyone from your school or college years? You moved on with next experiences especially if they are toxic. But out of the blue LOA puts you two back together to see they have raised their vibrations and wow it is like a new fresh person.

One other thing; don’t look for validation outside of yourself. I will leave others who are in or have been in your situation to answer better but please consider this may be only temporary with him and that LOA will help. LOA will draw the right responses to your concerns. Wish you very best A.

April October 25, 2014 at 18:05

I would suggest beginning to understand what your husband is mirroring back to you. No, that doesn’t mean blaming yourself, or taking responsibility for his behaviors. It’s not okay that he won’t truly acknowledge how you feel. But since everything is a manifestation to reflect our vibration, what belief exactly is he triggering when he invalidates you? Could it be something along the lines of feeling as though you are never heard, that no one cares about your feelings? Just an example. I have similar beliefs. Whenever I don’t feel heard, I get triggered and think that nobody wants to listen to what I have to say, or nobody understands me. This is something I’m working on of course, and Michael made a good point pertaining to issues like these: don’t look for validation outside of yourself. It’s okay to approach people with your feelings, but I think it’s also very beneficial to acknowledge and validate our feelings ourselves. To find out why we’re being triggered and own that so we can feel better, with or without that person’s acknowledgement. Your husband is pushing some kind of button, and when the button is no longer there, what is there to push? What if it no longer mattered that he won’t hear you out, because you know, understand and validate yourself now? Because you’ve claimed your power, and you know that only you can manifest your reality (and so it doesn’t matter as much what other people think, or do)? What if, with knowing that, you would be able to feel good whether he’s around or not, because you would have worked those triggers out? Usually our vibration goes down in the presence of another person if ours isn’t stable. Also… I remember something Melody said in an interview when she was talking about communicating with nature. A tree offered it’s fruit to her, but it was rotten, so she couldn’t eat it. She felt bad, but the tree explained to her “how I feel about myself isn’t tied into what you do.”

Also, I want to point something out. You said you can’t afford to leave, and I understand how you don’t feel inspired to. But saying that you can’t do something closes a door to that being a solution. What’s happening outside of ourselves is a reflection of what’s going on within, that’s why circumstances don’t matter in the sense that they prevent us from doing or having something that we want (because when you change within, circumstances follow that change). If I were you, I would open myself up to a great solution for my child, myself and husband. Melody has said to open yourself up, you could ponder things like, “Maybe I can, I don’t know how I will, but let me open myself up to the idea that maybe I can. I know there’s a better-feeling solution, one that doesn’t cause me to feel bad, I just don’t know what it is yet.” She also added that “When you acknowledge the existence of other options, when you open yourself up to that, and when you put your focus very generally on the fact that it exists and lightening up, and feeling how that may feel, that’s when the option will show itself to you.” These are also from another interview. :)

Summer Starr October 25, 2014 at 22:33

Thank you so much for that response April. I’m going through a situation very similar to A’s right now and your advice has given me lots of helpful reminders. :)

Farrah October 31, 2014 at 15:47

I have found this response extremely helpful as my situation is a bit similar.
I just wanted to add my two cent in case it resonates with anyone else….
I am in a marriage that is mediocre. It’s not horrible, but I know in my heart, and I have known all along, that this person does not hold that “other piece” of my heart that I truly want out of a relationship. I have ALWAYS been afraid of hurting him and our family by trying to get out of it. That fear has pestered inside me for years and it just keeps cycling back.
We have two children together ages 2 and 5 who we both love dearly. All along I have put my worry and focus into how they would be affected/would they have issues later on due to a divorce?
He has been unemployed for most of our relationship, which has always bothered me as I grew up with a father who was mostly unemployed as well. He is not affectionate with me at all, and growing up I always felt as though I wished I had more affectionate parents. Again, I put so many hours of worry and focus on this, (where would he go, how would he find a job…etc) which, looking back makes perfect sense as to why my situation never changed!
LOA has continued to bring me the same manifestation over and over to help me realize these limiting beliefs I have about needing affection and “the right partner” to make me happy. Through this blog as well as a few other that have brought me to LOA, I have begun to realize how to love myself and realize that I can (and will!) have a truly loving, affectionate relationship that I can trust and be invested in 100%. But that I don’t NEED it to be happy. I can just be happy. I don’t need to try to fix him or make his life happy. That is the biggest relief to me to finally realize this!
I am slowly letting go of these fears of hurting those around me as I know that I can’t control how other react, I can only control my perception and expectations and ultimately know that “it’s all going to work out.” I’ve started to let go of the fact that focusing on an ugly, hurtful confrontation/divorce isn’t serving ANYONE. I don’t have to worry about how we are going to separate. I just know that if I focus on what I want (a calm and peacecful separation with mutual understanding and a positive outcome) that LOA HAS to bring that to me as long as I can truly trust and know that it can happen. The more I can feel happy and “push the reset button” each time I drift into those anxious thoughts about how “horrible” I am being for “wanting to ruin lives” because I am just not in alignment with this relationship anymore, I feel the closer I will come to having this desire to move on actually manifest.
The more we can align with ourselves that idea that separating doesn’t HAVE to be ugly and that there are infinite possibilities out there I think the better we can feel about the situation.

Energy is engery…the same energy that brings us that blue butterfly we want to manifest is the same energy that will bring this change for you, if you truly want it and can get yourself into a thought process where it feels good to think about separating from your partner.

The universe KNOWS how to do this in the best possible way for us…we don’t have to worry about it or spend countless hours in anxiety trying to “figure out” how it’s all going to pan out.
If you know in your heart where you want to go, just release that fear and doubt and the right timing and situations will present themselves. Look for signs everywhere. Then you can smile and realize it really IS all working out.
Blessings and good vibes. There are more of us in “the same boat” then you think. :)

Michael October 26, 2014 at 02:43

What if, with knowing that, you would be able to feel good whether he’s around or not, because you would have worked those triggers out?

Thanks April that helps me work out the next thing I have to do in the situations I have.

A October 26, 2014 at 06:20

Thanks April and Michael for your perspectives, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. It’s true that he WAS mirroring back to me my ‘not listened to’ vibration, this was true for me as a child. For the last x years that didn’t really bother me because I guess I was used to it. However since I raised my vibration I started to notice it and it did start to bother me. It’s not like a friend, where I can take my ball and go home. This is a person I have to live with every single day and of course it bothers me that this is how my significant other treats me. So in LOA style, rather than letting that piss me off all the time, I tried to focus instead on the good things in my life instead, and visualising the way I would like things to be, but it seems that it has necessarily caused a bit of a rift emotionally as I described. My husband gets ignored to an extent. So what I specifically want to know, in going around feeling good, is it ok to ignore the glaring (to me) issue that we I am not happy with how things are? Sooner or later he may bring up the topic of why we are not intimate any more, do I say “no everything’s fine” (that’s what I feel like doing) or do I launch into everything I’m not happy about (i DON’T want to do that because it hasn’t seemed to work before and I get upset rehashing the past again). Also if he says something mean or sarcastic to me, is ignoring it ok (not focus on it and feel good instead). Is not addressing that ok? Does doing that lead me to get what I do want (a relationship where I am listened to and appreciated), because it kind of seems counterproductive to ignore my husband.
Also when I said I CAN’T leave, I kind of meant, I don’t want to, because it just doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, not least given the circumstances. I’m certainly open to having the means to be able to but I don’t want to be the bad guy here either.

April October 26, 2014 at 08:58

Firstly, I’m glad that you all appreciate what I’ve written here. Thank you. :) Also, A, I apologize for the misunderstanding and it’s good that you’re open to better solutions. Moving on, yes, this definitely makes sense. When we raise our vibration, any beliefs that don’t particularly match that higher vibe will emerge to be released, hence the current issues with your husband. With that, I don’t think you should ignore how you truly feel. I think you should acknowledge those feelings, those thoughts and utilize them to 1. Help you release limiting beliefs, 2. Help you decide what it is that you actually want. As for what you can say to him if he approaches you, I would suggest asking yourself, how do you want that to play out? Which scenerio would feel best to you? Lastly, if he says something that pisses you off, remind yourself that you’re being triggered. There’s some belief you have that isn’t serving you. Now, being triggered is not the best time for self-analysis. You want to let yourself vent and calm down first, then if you’d like, you can acknowledge why you were triggered. As I said, when that problem is resolved, he won’t tick you off nearly as much because there’s really nothing there to trigger. Also, since you mentioned this being a problem from your childhood, I would guess that maybe you have some anger about that. Maybe a side of you is angry about not having been heard then, and now. If you feel inspired, perhaps try an anger release. As Melody said, it can be a very healing emotion when it’s let out consciously (she’s written about it quite a lot). All in all, I’d say continue to raise your vibration, because that alone will lead you to the answers you seek (higher vibe = stronger intuition), and the things that you want. What ever limiting beliefs that aren’t serving you will emerge to be released, making for easier and simpler manifestation. You will definitely get what you want so as long as you continue to raise your vibe, feel good, stay open, and release any blocks in your way. Also, the final decision in all of this is yours to make… we can offer our perspective but you should always go with what resonates with you and feels best to you. :D

A October 26, 2014 at 09:30

Thanks April, no misunderstanding, I just wasn’t very clear :o ) Yes I feel as though I am on the right track. I am not angry, I feel myself observing rather than feeling now. I think your summary of just continue to raise my vibration is good advice. I think that I can sense change is afoot and that frightens me a bit and I want to ‘see the future’ but the only thing to do is to feel my way through it and keep feeling good, releasing resistance as it comes up, and the answer will become clear. Hopefully. :o )

Sarah October 25, 2014 at 19:44

I recently heard owning your own shit described as “authentishitty” and loved it. I thought I’d throw that out there in case any of you (or Melody) want to adopt the term. :)

stardust* October 27, 2014 at 02:12

How do you give up a dream? I want so badly to be working as a model, to be doing fashion and beauty shoots…but all of my attempts have failed terribly. For years I’ve applied to agencies (probably near 100) around the world and have not been accepted by ANY of them. I have the right measurements, good skin, youthful appearance, thin and small frame, etc…but around 2 cm too short for most agencies’ standards (I’m 170 cm).

I had to leave the country/city I was in, which I loved, because of desperately needing money…so now I’m back in the region where I grew up and hate it here, there is nothing that I want to do here. I feel comfortable but even more stuck than before because I know that time is passing and it’s a battle against the clock. I’m 21 and that’s pretty old already to be signed. I hate being here, but to go back where I was would be very complicated due to visa restrictions if I want to work and not be a student.

What really hurts is to see other girls my height/statistics who were able to get signed to fashion agencies…who are able to work as fashion models and travel. Success seems to come so easily to them, yet after all of my attempts I haven’t been able to have any.

stardust* October 27, 2014 at 02:29

I literally feel like life has been one uphill struggle, one disappointment and failure after the other, I feel in the middle of a cruel joke. It feels terrible to not have strong desire yet be consistently blocked or rejected whenever I go to achieve or follow it. I hate being alive, I can’t do this anymore. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried therapy, medication, coaching, prayer, taking action, humour, LOA, exercise and nutrition, talking, self-help, spirituality, meditation, going out with friends, focusing on other things, thinking positively, affirmations, creative outlets, journaling, etc. I can’t take this anymore. I’m sick of feeling stabbed from the inside, I’m sick of feeling such intense pain. People try to help me but nothing helps, I always slip back down. I can’t fake being positive anymore. I hate where I am, I hate being alive, I hate having chosen this experience. I hate myself for getting into this situation I’m in. All the time I feel worse and worse. I just don’t want to do it anymore, the pain is unbearable. I wish I would stop breathing and just die in my sleep already because it’s fucking terrible to live like this.

Just Call Me A. October 27, 2014 at 23:01
Just Call Me A. October 27, 2014 at 23:39
Just Call Me A. October 27, 2014 at 23:59

Stardust,

You may not hear me in what I have to say or understand this much becasue it may not make sense, but perhaps it is best let this go for a while. There is too much there at the moment to handle, so to speak. Way, way too much. Get off the topic and get into a good feeling place naturally. Only then can things flow, you can think and see clearly and see opportunities that come to you, without desperation or the attitude “come already, damn it”. I know people who operate this way and they have been stuck there for decades becasue of this attitude. Still, things come to them, but in the most painful, unpleasant ways one can imagine, sacrificing health and well-being.

I will stop here.

Love and light,

stardust* October 28, 2014 at 20:54

Hi Just Call Me A,
I don’t know whether to keep pushing or just to let go. I can’t stop wanting what I want and when I try to let go and refrain from taking action, I can’t keep away for too long. What I want is way to important to me to let go of it.

I’ve heard successful people say that all successful people push and keep pushing until they get what they want. They do whatever it takes and keep going and making efforts, toil until they get what they want. On the other hand I hear LOA teachers say, be flexible, don’t be tied to a certain thing, don’t do anything if it feels bad/difficult, back away if you’re feeling too much opposition or if too many doors are being slammed, do what feels easy and fun, etc. I must say, especially in fashion/entertainment, the first mindset seems to be much more successful in bringing results and in getting what you want. On the other hand, the second feels much easier and downstream, but (for me at least) often leads to major regret for not trying harder and putting in more effort, for not fighting. So I don’t know who to trust.

Just call me A. October 28, 2014 at 21:55

I totally hear you. I did not mean to give up on your desire or dream. That is not possible. I just meant to focus on something else right now, as the state you are in is not so pleasant in your journey.

Do not give up. Just ease up. Go lighter. It is not all doom and gloom. I am writing this last one for myself as a reminder. I am pissed and in and out of the vortex as well. I love being there, but then I come into contact with people who are just plain bumps on a log in my day to day functioning and I am thrown out. I get so frustrated with ignorance and stupidity. Grrrr.

Let it all out and then ease up. When you ease up, things flow better. You will see. Or, try doing it how some others do it. I have some things in mind but I am not sure they can be published here. I wish there was a PM option. Use your womanhood. But does that feel good to you? This is just all coming out now onto the screen.

Keep going just don’t beat up on yourself. That is my final say. Over and out.

stardust* October 28, 2014 at 22:29

Hi Just Call Me A,
Thank you for your reply. I notice for me that there is extreme contrast between positive/negative, high/low, etc. Extreme pain, extreme joy. The pain has been outweighing joy in the past years though, even though most of the time I feel ok/content, less flow and exhilaration, high joy, etc.

What is strange is that even though I’m in this place (physically) where I’m further removed from my desires, in many ways I actually feel “better” and more relieved where I am. I’m staying with my sister in a smaller town. I haven’t seen her for years, so it has been nice to stay with her. And my parents and brother visited too, which was nice. It’s been warm and sunny weather here, calm, autumn leaves, clean air, spacious apartment, cheap prices, quality local food, quiet and pretty streets to walk around, friendly people, new iPhone as a gift from my mother, receiving lots of free stuff, nice and cute cat in the apartment, just less stress and mind chatter in general! I thought I would be miserable (and still fear being stuck here!) and for the first few days I was. but I’ve actually eased into being here and oddly feel more motivation to work on things important to me.

I would love to hear your ideas if you are still interested. If you would like, you can email me at cupcakeswithsprinkles@gmail.com (then I can give you my primary email : ) )

stardust* October 28, 2014 at 22:30

Maybe I seem a bit crazy/unstable for posting in extreme emotional states… :p

stardust* October 28, 2014 at 22:40

I just feel that it’s me against life, like I have to really push to make things happen if I want to get what I want. Otherwise I will end up drifting and unhappy and unsuccessful, full of lost dreams like everyone else…

stardust* October 28, 2014 at 23:52

I’m thinking that maybe I should just give up, stop trying to be a model or a singer because it’s not realistic. I don’t have the requirements and there’s so much competition, perhaps it would be best to put efforts somewhere else. It hurts to let this die but why keep trying for something that just isn’t going to happen? :(

A October 28, 2014 at 01:46

Stardust, I have one positive thought that you can start with: at least you know what you want! I am in my mid 40s and I spent ALL my youth wandering around not really knowing what I wanted to do. I just kind of drifted around aimlessly, having a good time but drifting, I kind of wish I had found my passion earlier. BUT everyone’s path is different. This is when it’s kind of good to have a plan B in life, just to keep you going while you are working on plan A. For now I would sit with your negative emotions, frustration, anger, hate and get it all out. Those emotions all all normal to have, I have had them too. Punch a pillow, write a letter to the sucky universe to tell it how much you hate it and get it out. Then you can go from there to feeling better.

J October 28, 2014 at 16:52

Dear A:

Maybe your passion/purpose is inspiring/teaching others that you can still chase your dreams even if ur not 22.

;)

SK October 29, 2014 at 07:38

1. who are you?
2. what do you do?
(what is your thing?, the thing that you do naturally and gladly without anyone asking you to. It’s not your day job and it’s not about money. For example, you are a network-er. You just know how to connect with people. Or you are an entertainer, you have this inner urge to entertain the world and you can just do it anywhere)
3. Who are you doing it for?
4. and how did they change as a result?

quick tip: Have you considered opening your own model agency in a country where the height requirements are relaxed? And as the boss, you can be your own model girl.

J October 28, 2014 at 16:50

Dear stardust:

Ive sent you an email , reply if you want to connect. we can talk about all things LOA and the industry :)

PS: Every successful person has been exactly where you are today, all is well.

Michael October 27, 2014 at 04:14

Stardust would in some small way the following help:

1. I feel 100% the same way (although I don’t want to be a model obviously)

2. What gets me through this is the thought it’s temporary. You do not have to dance around pretending it’s all wonderful, but I know from last week I had all the same thoughts as you but decided that no matter what is going on, I would focus on other stuff. It is not denial, just a method of going ok well it sucks ATM but what if next week something better happens or someone says something that makes me feel good. That to me is LOA.

3. It is better if it is too much to seek as I did medical help rather than go on websites as the Internet is only an advice system it won’t solve everything, if you feel that way get some assistance asap. I am in Australia so I cannot recommened the phone counselling service Lifeline.

Stardust, hang in there, I know it is 100% suckable and unfair but many on here have been there and they have indirectly assisted me, as LOA to assist as well. And thank you for mirroring back to me how I feel, but today no matter what is going on, I’m worth something and so are you.

Just Call Me A. October 28, 2014 at 15:37
kelli October 29, 2014 at 02:47

Hey Melody
This post was great. You brought up so many great points to help people not only through a divorce in particular, but any challenging situation that evokes these similar types of feelings. The idea of not looking at something as a failure was particularly poignant for me. Like you said, it was just one experience that aided in your growth and prepared you for the next phase. This reminded me of the whole ‘uproar’ over Gwenyth Paltrow’s ‘conscious uncoupling’–the fact that people kind of hate her anyway just fueled all that, but I actually found that phrase to be quite nice and the idea behind it quite empowering.

Great stuff as always!

SK October 29, 2014 at 08:02

First of all, your happiness is something you are born with, something you already have within you. Your happiness came from you, not from the outside world.
So since no one give you happiness, no one can take it away.

The happiness level is the same whether you are single or in a steady relationship or married or divorce. Doesn’t matter if you are young or old, man or woman, rich or poor. It’s all the same. Yes there are up and down but your happiness level will always return to that neutral position.

Secondly, a marriage certificate is a legal document. It is not a measuring stick nor a container of your love. Think about why you feel you must have it in the first place?

Thirdly, if and when people are filing a divorce, they want relief, they want out.
They want a quick, clean, easy separation.

A divorce or an end of a relationship does not bring happiness, only relief.
Then as you return to your happiness baseline and you refocus on yourself, that’s when you can feel happy again.

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