Can I Break Up With Him Without Breaking His Heart?

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by Melody Fletcher on September 11, 2014

 

Coaching Call #117 is out! The topic of this week’s call is: She Can’t Get Ahead In Her Career And She Feels Time is Running Out.

The caller believes she should have a better job at her age (she’s only 36) and now thinks time is running out for her.  She’s happily married with children but can’t stop thinking she’s letting them down because her financial contribution is small.  She wants a better career but has trouble knowing what she’s really passionate about.   Is she really too old at 36 to start a new career? Why does she feel she’s letting her family down?  What’s happening that stopping her from finding her true passion?

During the call it becomes clear she’s given up too quickly on any potential job she’s wanted to do.  She has a belief she’s not good enough to continue with what she enjoys.  As well as her career concerns, she has issues with her in-laws and her weight.  What’s the root cause behind these problems and are they connected to her belief that she not good enough?

We cover quite a lot on this call, about finding your passion, setting boundaries and why inspired action not only makes you feel better but also gives better results than forced action.   

If you have feelings of unworthiness, have trouble setting boundaries and you’re settling instead of going for your passion, this call is for you.

Read the full call summary here.

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Some Quick Updates

First, I wanted to give you guys a quick update on the NYC Event, November 9th (Full day workshop with me in Manhattan!!). We’ll be opening up the tickets for sale this coming Monday!!! And OMG, you guys, the whole thing is going to be so freaking VIP. The Universe is just outdoing itself. Details in four days! Watch for the blog post/mail!!! Yay! (Can you tell I’m excited?)

Second, for those of you who have been wondering why I’m not replying as quickly to mails and stuff, it’s not your imagination. I’m less responsive than normal, but I have a really good reason. I’m writing my book! I’m about half way finished and on track to be done by the end of the month. I don’t want to give too much away, but honestly, it’s even better than I thought (and it’s not like my expectations were low…). I’m actually routinely stunned by how awesome it’s turning out to be. So yeah, I’m spending every spare moment sculpting this amazing work, just glad to be the one it’s coming through. I feel blessed and energized and I just want to do the happy dance all the time (and just felt like sharing that with you). Yay!

And now, for today’s Burning Question!

Awesome Dudette asks: “I have a problem with my boyfriend (kind of) this time. He is a very sad, negative and depressing person who clearly doesn’t know what it’s like to love himself. Even he has told me that he has given up on himself and he is always saying that he has to do better and not fail and he ignores all of his successes and just says anyone can do better than what he has done.

He’s been like this for a long time and I have tried to help him out in many different ways. Recently I have just tried staying positive with him and when I’m around him in the hopes that it will inspire him and I have even pointed him in the direction of the law of attraction and even to your blog.

Another problem is that I attracted him to me in a time when I was depressed and lonely…in fact he admitted to me that he was only with me because he was lonely too. So we were two lonely people who didn’t know about self-love who got together. I have grown up and learned to love myself a lot more and have finally admitted and accepted to myself that he is not the kind of guy I’d want to be with forever. And as I started to think of what the perfect guy for me would be like…he showed up. I have been talking to this other guy and he is everything on my list for the perfect guy.

I want to break up with my current boyfriend but it’s like he senses me losing interest and is just clinging on to me. One minute he says “I’ll understand if you break up with me, all I do is drag people down” and in the same conversation he’ll say “you’re the only one who believes in me and I’d hate myself if I ever lost you and I want to be with you forever. Please don’t leave me”. He’s always saying how I’m the only good thing in his life and how all he wants is to be a better boyfriend and make me happy. Basically he’s centering his happiness and purpose in life on keeping me in his life, which is putting pressure on me. I know I can’t be responsible for his feelings just like he can’t be responsible for mine but…I think I’m afraid to hurt him or make things worse for him.

I care about him and I don’t want me breaking up with him to cause him to sink further, but I’m not in love with him anymore. Especially since this new guy is around and is everything I want (and deserve) in a guy.

How do I help out my *boyfriend* and how do I end things smoothly? Every time I suggest to him that I’d still be there for him even if I’m not his girlfriend, he just says he doesn’t want to lose me.”

Dear Aweseome Dudette,

Thanks for such a great question. Here’s my very direct and blunt and lovingly slappy answer:

You say that you know that you can’t be responsible for how he feels. And yet… that’s exactly what you’re doing – you’re taking on the burden of his feelings, something you have absolutely no control over.

It’s very clear from your description that you two found each other when you were in a low point. You were a vibrational match then. But over time, you changed; you grew; you felt better. And he didn’t. And now you’re holding yourself back from moving on with your life, from claiming the happiness that’s rightfully yours, because he can’t or won’t (yet) do the same.

It’s like dancing

Think of it like this: if you and he met at a beginner’s dance class and became friends, but he wasn’t all that talented at dance while you were, would you repeat the beginner class with him so he wouldn’t feel so alone? And what if he always stayed at the beginner level, while you had the opportunity to become a world class dancer, travel the world and appear on TV; would you continue to go to the beginner’s class instead, just for him? Would you give up your life so he wouldn’t get his feelings hurt?

Do you imagine that you’d have fun dancing at a beginner’s level, when you could actually be fully expressing yourself with advanced moves? Do you think it would be fun for him, knowing he was sacrificing your entire life for him?

Not being a great dancer doesn’t make him a bad person. It says nothing about him, except that his level of dance is where it is. Just as his current emotional state doesn’t make him a bad person, and says nothing about him except that his level of consciousness is where it is. And, here’s the kicker, neither does yours.

Being a great dancer when your friend is not, doesn’t make you a bad person. Having grown and evolved and found a way to feel better when he has not, isn’t something you need to feel guilty about.

Would you ever berate him for not being good at dance? Would you plead with him to practice so you could take a more advanced class? Or would you accept him just the way he is and go and dance the advanced stuff with someone on that level? Of course, you’d never berate him for his dance skill. And yet, isn’t that exactly what you’re doing emotionally?

Would you ask someone who was a way better dance than you to stay at your level? Would it make sense to you to ask them to give up their life for your comfort? Of course, you’d never do that to someone, and yet, isn’t that exactly what he’s doing to you?

You are asking him to grow emotionally, so you can move on.

And, you’re allowing him to ask you to stunt your own emotional growth, because he’s afraid.

What if he never finds another dance partner? What if no one else will ever dance with him again? Are you really going to give up your happiness in order to allow him to avoid having to face those fears?

It’s not just for you

But consider this: what if he doesn’t even really like dance, but would rather express himself through writing? What if you, having created this safe environment in the dance class, are actually keeping him from figuring out what his real dream is? What if you’re enabling him in his pain? What if the stress of being on his own is actually necessary in order for him to figure out what he’s truly passionate about, and you’re actually keeping him stuck where he is by catering to his fear?

You see, the relationship is either beneficial to both of you, or detrimental to both of you. There’s no way that you can actually benefit him by sacrificing yourself. The Universe only has win/win or lose/lose scenarios. Win/lose is something we invented, which doesn’t actually work. When you lose by sacrificing your happiness “for him”, he actually loses, too, because now he’s using you as an excuse not to face his fears. Just because his path includes some discomfort, doesn’t mean it’s not valid.

After all, you had to face your fears. Why can’t you let him do the same?

The answer is that you’re not entirely sure that he’s capable of doing that. You want to make it easier on him, seeing as he’s so weak and incapable. And yep, I’m using those words on purpose. When we help people from a place of obligation, because they need us to and can’t do it without us, it’s actually kind of arrogant and condescending.

He’s a powerful being, just like you are. You don’t have to understand what his path is about, but you do want to respect its validity and the fact that he, the whole HE (Who He Really Is) knows exactly what’s he’s doing. If you are inspired to help him in some way from your place of joy, then by all means, go for it. But what you’re doing right now is keeping you both stuck where you are. And while he may still be served by that place, you are not.

Many people choose to grow through pain. It’s not necessary, but we don’t just get to take that method away from them. It’s their choice. I wrote an entire blog post on this method of growth, and why we shouldn’t interfere when we see someone using it. Read: Are You Using The Cattle Prod Method Of Growth?

How you can really help him

My advice to you would be to break up with him immediately. Do it kindly, don’t blame anyone (not yourself either!), and remember that just because a relationship didn’t last doesn’t mean it was a failure. This relationship served you both immensely. But it’s time to move on. Make it a clean break (no hanging on and babysitting him through the break up).

He doesn’t want the responsibility of holding you back, but he’s afraid to go on by himself. He’s afraid of what might happen, but you why are you choosing to share that fear? Imagine he’s a little boy on his first day at school. He may be nervous, but you know that he’ll be just fine. And going through this experience is part of his evolution. Let him have the experiences that are unfolding for him. Let him go down his path. It will lead him where he wants to go.

Bottom line

Stop asking his permission to get on with your life, because that’s essentially what you’ve been doing. You’ve been asking him to absolve you, to let you go. While you focus on his weakness, you’re actually asking him to be the strong one, so you don’t have to be the one who severs the ties. He’s not capable of making that decision for you (no one is).

Go your separate ways, focus on building the life you want, and then see what happens. See if he naturally gravitates back in, in some way. But if he doesn’t, know that he’s simply chosen to take a writing class, while you excel at dance. Know that he’s on his way to where he wants to go.

Enjoy the new guy. He’s a match to who you are now. Wish your ex well and send him love when you think of him, but don’t hold on to him. It’s not fair to either of you. Set him free, and as you do, you’ll be doing the same for yourself.

{ 43 comments }

kelli September 11, 2014 at 22:27

Hey Melody!
First off, super-bummed I am going to miss your event. I am coming home for a visit and live near NYC but not until Nov 30th. Hopefully I can meet up with you at some area of the globe at some point.
Two: Awesome about the book. I am sure it will be amazing and I can’t wait to read it and tell everyone I know to read it!
Three: Amazing post. I think you tackled an issue that A LOT of people are dealing with, and as always, gave an amazing perspective that will empower people and give them the courage to do what they know needs to be done in their heart.

Even though we always have the power over how we respond to others, and we know no one can make us feel a certain way, most of us aren’t that ‘good’ yet and we will be impacted. Being around someone like that all the time can be really hard, and really do a number on our own energy. I hope this person is inspired to act based on your amazing and spot-on advice. Huge hugs to you!
kelli invites you to read..Law of Attraction: Reader Questions about Limiting Beliefs and ‘ Obstacles’My Profile

John September 11, 2014 at 22:35

Great post Melody! As usual, it helped me with some issues not directly related to the main question!

Kirri September 11, 2014 at 22:58

Melody, you are truly amazing! I just realised through reading this post that I am in a same situation, although with a friend, not my boyfriend (he is my own special happy shiny puppy :D ). Thank you for your advice and unique point of view! And I just simply can’t wait until your book is out! Please make it an e -book so that I can read it immediately! (Or something even better. I have an extra bed, in case you want to bring it in person *wink wink*)

Kirri September 11, 2014 at 23:01

Ooh my, that sounds way more dirtier then it should, I’m sorry!

Sabeen September 11, 2014 at 23:58

I love your advice Melody because you always bring it back to “What are YOU doing that is bringing this uncomfortable situation to you and what can you do to shift that”, not what the other person is doing, because at the end of the day, the other person’s uncomfortable behaviour is only in your experience because it’s a vibrational match to some part of you. I love remembering this and you have such a knack for advising on how to work the kinks out!

Sabeen September 11, 2014 at 23:59

Oh and congrats on the book!!

Rose September 12, 2014 at 00:26

You are the best, Melody. Thank you. Bless you.

Michael September 12, 2014 at 01:36

While I don’t advocate staying with him, this is so cold hearted and treating people as something to just discard when we get bored no wonder millions are lonely. Sorry this is the first time I have ever disagreed with a post on this blog. How depressing a way of looking at life.

Michael September 12, 2014 at 07:01

That is not to say I disagree with every post, I just feel that, it’s my belief, that sometimes LOA seems to be advocate a form of getting rid of people/pets/things at their expense. I know for example in one post it was about ok if you advance and the others are in Year 1 school and you are at university you can’t just wait for them, but I don’t think leaving everyone and everyone behind in pursuit of some new idea isn’t always the way. Those you leave behind have feelings too and while they might be their experience, nothing wrong with being mindful of others and not trampling over their emotions.

Again though I am not saying she should stay with him but breakup kindly – bluntness can bring consequences.

PS are we getting a forum it is great to debate these sort of things with others.

Cristina September 12, 2014 at 13:41

Hi Michael, I do believe Melody says “My advice to you would be to break up with him immediately. Do it kindly, don’t blame anyone (not yourself either!), and remember that just because a relationship didn’t last doesn’t mean it was a failure. This relationship served you both immensely. But it’s time to move on. Make it a clean break (no hanging on and babysitting him through the break up).” I don’t think the person who asked this question is bored and just wants to discard her Boyfriend but she needs to move on and let him grow. The advice to break up with him kindly but cleanly doesn’t mean bluntly. Just for her not to hang around or baby sit him as it will do more harm than good and this can be done Compassionately.

Just Call Me A. September 12, 2014 at 14:25

Michael,

It is not trampling over their emotions. It is very much breaking up in the kindest fashion. That is what this is all about. Otherwise, I am sure Dudette would have been out long ago, but what she needed was a smooth, nice, kind and loving way to do it. That is why she wrote in. These things hurt, as you know, and some guidance is needed in how best to go about such matters of the heart.

I find this interesting coming from a guy. I thought in the past that guys moved on rather quickly and for most, women were all the same, unless they really feel in love, but otherwise, I did not see them writhing over how to deal with breaking up with someone. Now I know that it affects them as well and they also need way with which to deal.

And LOA may seem “cold” to you, but it is necessary. I can’t help but bring up the fact that sometimes you must leave your family to make a better life for yourself if they drag you down and make things difficult for you. The universe, in time, smooths everything out and it really is about you, not them.

And I echo your reminder for a forum.

John September 12, 2014 at 16:06

Hi Just Call me A:

I agree with your perspective. In the end it comes down to setting boundaries and doing what is fulfilling and joyful for us. As Melody says above, a relationship is beneficial for both or it is detrimental to both. If Dudette remains in the relationship as a partner for a long period of time after she has outgrown the relationship, then she is acting in the role of an emotional caretaker rather than a partner in a relationship. And if she stays in order to avoid causing emotional upset to her partner, then she becomes a hostage to the emotional dependency of her partner. She can certainly do the breakup in a kind way, as Melody says.

And as you said, sometimes we have to put distance between us and family members in order to grow ourselves.

I, too, look forward to having a forum.

John

Just Call Me A. September 12, 2014 at 16:25

John,

That was lovely. Also, the other person will grow on his own and realize certain things, etc. along the way when they are apart, so growth will happen on both sides. Of course, there are the cases in which growth does not occur and thus it is better that she got out.

Michael September 13, 2014 at 01:05

I’m sorry A I cannot agree with you. However, part of LOA is to disagree :) . To just up and leave anyone or anything is mean. But again that does not mean I am saying the person who wrote the question to DR should stay, nor is Mel necessarily wrong. It is more that for me every person, every pet, every object, everything in my life for 49 years (maybe in past lives) is still in some way there. To discard your history is not to learn. But we are not our history now. Letting go and moving on are cliches for I believe we can’t just erase and start again, but that again that’s just my view I don’t say I am right or wrong or anyone else is.

I have massive rejection issues – yet doing LOA has slowly shifted me into the realisation that I like books and being with myself rather than pursue romantic ideals which so many on here want to do. I just don’t see the point of meeting people to find out what you don’t want, that’s a waste of time and at 49 I can’t be bothered doing the friendship treadmill, same with finding a job although yes I do acknowledge that we all have trial and error and lessons of what we don’t want can move us towards what we do, but pattern breaking takes time. That is what LOA has done; it sent me the realisation that I am going to be alone and frankly that sorta rocks!

If it is your or anyone’s belief to get away from everyone and everything to ‘grow’ etc that’s fine but for me that’s not how I operate. It just means I need to look at things differently, but I still don’t agree with just cutting off anyone or anything one morning, it hurts when you are on the receiving end. Let’s be a little civil and realistic :)

I appreciate your comments on these blogs A, I hope you will continue to give your view, I value everyone’s, it is just with this post I disagree, but hey what’s life if you just agree with everything :) ))

Blessings to you all
Michael
Australia

Just Call Me A. September 13, 2014 at 01:40

I, too, appreciate all the input.

If one does not like the cycle they are in, they need to break it for their own good, you know? For example, if the relationship is where it is and you are beyond that, then you need an out. If you are talking apples and the other person oranges, then you are both on another frequency and wavelength and there is interference. I have been through this myself and I had to make it clear to the other person that I can’t go down his road. But when he sounded like a broken record and I could not deal, I had to stay away at least for a while. Anyway, that is just me.

I always point to this: would Babaji the master be Babaji if he was not nearly smothered to death by his mother, after which he was hanging outside the house and got kidnapped by a band of gurus who taught him the way to enlightenment? This is very significant, because, without the trigger of his mom, there would be no realization of unconditional love from afar on his part and the road leading to enlightenment. It is all part of the tapestry. Maybe this can resonate with you in some way, even logically. If it does not, it is okay. What you have recently realized is great.

Please share some ways you deal with people you do not like or from whom you have grown apart. I would love to hear how you do it. How do you not “be mean”, as you put it, and deal with them? It would be nice to share some stuff that may help me, if you can/want.

Peace. Over and out.

Michael September 13, 2014 at 05:22

Awesome reply A (are you two A’s?) so I’ll reply to this one first.

Again, I am agreeing with you. How do I deal with people I do not like? Avoidance. Yes LOA does bring up the same things, and I cannot say evey single lesson gets repeated over and over, but most do for me.

Being blunt to me is a defence mechanism we do to others to get rid of them once they have served their purpose. Not being mean is in the phrasing of the words you use. Not cliches like it’s not you it’s me. You tell them but you are good about it, not saying I’m bored with you and certainly not giving them a long lecture on LOA.

You state about Babaji had to become enlightened to reach where Babaji wanted to go. That’s fine for Babaji, but not for everyone. A women I knew who was 90 passed away recently and at her service she wrote how she did not fly far from her nest i.e. she had the same family and house most of her life and was happy. It is all well to say ok we move to another dimension after the physical body dies, but if she was happy in this vortex and did not need to get rid of people or things than that is just as valid as doing the opposite. Her husband and her were married for over 70 years!

My point is A, there is a way to move away from others but my point has been to be mindful not to do it in a harsh manner. We could go into specifics here (ie if they stalk) but from a LOA angle, he seemed to have focused on breaking up anway, so maybe he won’t actually be that hurt.

All I am stating is, as much as it is vital to move to the energies you want, don’t just throw away other souls on this earth, disengage by all means but at the end every human and animal soul deserves some form of dignity and respect (generally) and that involves being kind when having to seperate (although again if we all are going to leave this earth anyway you wonder if we actually really do seperate but that’s for another topic).

I hope this makes some sense A as I love hearing your points of view.

Just Call Me A. September 13, 2014 at 14:20

Haha! You can Just Call me A. I actually had another name but had to change it. “A.” is my cousin on this blog. I would never used the word dumped. It is a bit harsh and mostly inaccurate. I like how Gwyneth Paltrow described it as an uncoupling.

I just woke from a nightmare because I did not sleep soundly, as my family disrespects me. It hurts yet I know it should not. why have they always been so difficult? It is a rhetorical question. I am a mutation to this family as I am not at all like them. Why would you not respect the wishes of your child/sister? It does not make sense to me and I would respect them. They just toss me and my views aside. I do not even live with them anymore and have my own life with my husband, yet their vibration is so low it drags me down with them, as mine fluctuates from high to low still. I cannot manage to stabilize it for long-term. I use techniques on this blog which do work for a time, and then we are back to the same old crap which I do not like and cannot accept. “Sigh”. Maybe I need to just accept their nastiness/ridiculousness? How do I deal with them? I really need tips because I would like for my life to be better and more peaceful. This is not so off topic, as it is dealing with people.

A September 13, 2014 at 03:12

Michael, yes it hurts when you are on the receiving end, but as we have learned here, any kind of pain or hurt is resistance showing itself and a learning opportunity, an opportunity to move towards what we want in life. If the OPs boyfriend really looked at his resistance to the pain caused by his girlfriend leaving him (and let’s face it, it’s not the first time anyone has been dumped – it happens all the time and people get over it) he would start to be able to move towards a relationship that is less co-dependent and needy and much happier. So really, the OP is doing him a big favour, which is far from being mean, although he may not see it that way right now :o )

Michael September 13, 2014 at 05:25

But A I don’t accept that because to me there should be some point at which pain or hurt ie resistance should stop. I don’t think she is being mean at all, but you typed it yourself the word ‘dumped’ and being dumped with a cold uncaring attitude is what the issue is.

Again, it’s just my view it does in no way imply I am telling this lady what to do nor disagreeing with anyone’s views, I simply find it fascinating and odd that we seem to want someone yet we go through all this stuff to reach ‘the one’ or whatever, which of course I don’t believe in the one concept, but again it’s about treating each other with respect and courtesy even if we have to say no.

Just Call Me A. September 13, 2014 at 14:45

I wonder if “Just Call Me” sounds okay, as I am a student of this stuff and I have no problem if one would just call me to discuss, you know?

I know, Michael, we go through a lot and we seem to want someone and all that, yet this is what the process is about for us to know what is wanted and not wanted. I remember when I just wanted a boyfriend when I was younger and it turned out to be a disaster because that was just it- he was just a guy. Nothing special. I had no specifications whatsoever, as I was told by my mom all men are the same and as long as he had a male part- it is fine. That says a lot about her, does it not? Anyway, through our experiences, we tweak what is wanted and every time, relationships get better and better. Uncoupling from people you love is the worst because you love them and there is a bond there, yet they may be so clingy and dependent and look to you for their happiness that not being with them is actually best for them. If they are miserable within themselves, no matter how hot and good they are, this still impacts the relationship. For example, not trusting you and looking through your things, phone and tapping into your computer is not cool by my standards. Many of these couples get back together when work is done while on one’s own.

Just adding that in. And I need the distraction now because I feel like crap. I am slowly feeling better, though.

Just Call Me A. September 13, 2014 at 15:08

Hey Michael,

I just saw something in your previous post. If you do not see the point of meeting people to find out what you do not want, then you must focus only on what you want. Like, totally focus on it. That is it and nothing else. I am sure you have been through the trial and error road. I think some of us are a bit younger here and are realizing many, many things. I sure am. I thought things I would love turn into things that are just not for me, even though the universe pointed me in that direction in the first place. I am sure you have had your experiences and such. I think it is time to focus clearly and surely only on what is wanted and not wobble, of course. That is important. And trust the universe. It really knows.

This helps me s well on my stuff.

cissy September 12, 2014 at 06:39

Melody,

That’s awesome that your going to be back in the good ol’ USA. Do you think that there’s a possibility of being in Los Angeles? like maybe when you are doing your book signing? (hint hint)? I’m in the process of manifesting you to the West Coast for sunshine and hugs.
cissy

Melody Fletcher September 13, 2014 at 21:26

Hey Cissy,

You never know! I’m not making any decisions until after this event, so can’t tell you any schedule yet. But I’m sure that I’ll be doing a lot of publicity for the book next year, so manifest away! :)

Hugs,

Melody

Olivia September 12, 2014 at 10:29

Hi Melody,

Great post as usual! And congratulations on your book. Can’t wait to read!

I’m in a similar situation. My boyfriend is not as sad and depressed but can be quite negative sometimes and has such a stubborn view of the world and the people in it. I love him, but as I feel myself evolving emotionally and becoming more self aware I seem to be feeling more and more disconnected with him. I am really struggling with what to do. Sometimes I really struggle to be happy when I am around him because I can feel the disconnect. I have previously introduced him to the law of attraction and he was quite open to what I was saying, however I sometimes struggle with the words to explain it, resulting in him not understanding. I really don’t want to break up with him but I’d love to find a way to turn our relationship around.

I’d love to hear anyone’s take on this

Much love

Michael September 13, 2014 at 05:35

I’d be hesitant if I was you to base your decision purely on what is written on this blog post. Part of a relationship we learn is that we do differ; for example, why do couples not accept that on a Saturday one may want to go fishing and one shopping?

Maybe you are evolving but again that does not mean leaving anyone behind. We get disconnected from things now and then.

I’d say unless someone else has a comment that the answer will come fairly soon but be flexible in your decision – maybe in a few weeks you will notice his being receptive to LOA.

All the best with this Olivia but LOA will provide an answer, he’s your mirror ATM as others are for me but that does not mean anything is ‘over’ etc, ask LOA maybe to help you make a decision but don’t in my view base it on what others’ think, again he could just simply be going through his own thing and you feel disconnected for now. Why people (not you or anyone here I add) have this view that togetherness is 24/7 and has to be a certain romanticised way is beyond me.

Brian September 13, 2014 at 07:18

Hey Olivia,?

?”My boyfriend is not as sad and depressed but can be quite negative sometimes and has such a stubborn view of the world and the people in it.”?

?And that’s okay. His views and feelings are valid.?

Both of your views, his view of the world and your view of the world, are equally valid.

?“Sometimes I really struggle to be happy when I am around him because I can feel the disconnect.”?

?Your happiness is only “dependent” on your connection to your Inner Being and Source.?

?So if you do not feel happy, it is not because of the disconnection with him, but your allowing of your disconnection from Source.?

?I understand you do not feel connected with him as much as you prefer to be connected to the man you are with, but at the same time you do not have to feel negative emotion in response to the conditions you do not prefer.?

You can feel positive emotion in response to not having the conditions you prefer, if you want to. Just because you do not have the connection you desire, does not mean you have to give that experience a negative meaning. You can just as easily give it a positive meaning and focus on what you want, and the benefit of this experience.

?”I have previously introduced him to the law of attraction and he was quite open to what I was saying, however I sometimes struggle with the words to explain it, resulting in him not understanding.”?

?Why does he need to understand it??

?And, why do you feel you have to be the one who teaches him about it??

?“I really don’t want to break up with him but I’d love to find a way to turn our relationship around.”

?The best thing you can do is by focusing on you feeling good and being in alignment, regardless if he feels good or is in alignment. Your alignment is not dependent on his alignment. Your alignment only depends on whether you allow yourself to feel good or not.

Michael September 13, 2014 at 07:46

So if you do not feel happy, it is not because of the disconnection with him, but your allowing of your disconnection from Source.

Brian thank you that is what I was looking for to type, you hit the nail on the head so to speak. Must be LOA working hard for me :)

Olivia September 14, 2014 at 11:29

Thank you for your response! I understand a bit better now. I will try and focus on feeling good myself, which will hopefully give me a more positive view of the situation I am in.

shaun September 12, 2014 at 11:27

Awesome Melody!

Just Call Me A. September 12, 2014 at 14:26

I saw all this coming! Congrats again Melody!

Susann September 12, 2014 at 21:33

Great post. Having been through this both with an ex-husband I stayed with for 2 years longer than I should have because I didn’t want to hurt him and, more recently, with a long-time friend whom I had to “leave” for my own mental health, I have to echo that it is of critical importance to get out of this “relationship”. With kindness and grace if possible, but make no mistake — you are doing the other person (and yourself) no favour at all by staying when you have already stopped being emotionally committed. It’s not actually a “relationship” when one person has already left emotionally.

I’m going to be a little more harsh than anyone else has thus far by suggesting that your boyfriend’s behaviour is deliberately (if unconsciously) manipulative. He doesn’t want you to leave because he’s stuck where he is and has no desire to move on, and he will use subtle emotional manipulation to keep you with him because it seems to work. In the case of my now-ex-husband, when he finally accepted I was gone, he blossomed. In the case of my ex-friend, she is still savagely stuck in her drama of victimization because without that story, she’ll have to face some unpleasant realizations about herself. She suffers from Narcissistic & Histrionic Personality Disorders and when I finally realized that & stopped taking responsibility for *her* happiness (hello, LOA!), I saw I had to get away from her because she was sucking the life, as well as happiness, right out of me.

I sympathize with you & your dilemma, and with Michael, who commented above. As the song says: breaking up is hard to do. It won’t be painless for either of you (which I think only proves you’re both good, loving & kind people), but there are times when staying is doing the greater harm. If you don’t love this man, keeping him from moving on and finding someone who does is not a kindness. All I can say is be strong. You already know in your heart what your right action is.

John September 13, 2014 at 03:37

Well stated, Susann! I am not sure the boyfriend is being deliberately manipulative; he may not be willing to consciously deal with his stuff yet. I do agree that Dudette needs to move on from the relationship, “with kindness and grace if possible”, as you said.

Michael September 13, 2014 at 05:29

Excellent points Susann, I would argue this is very true of careers as well.

I think I’m slowly getting what everyone is saying on this blog post, that’s why I am posting more than I usually would, my point of view on this is showing some resistance so I’ll work on that and see what it tells me.

But again, breaking up in anything may be hard but there is always a way to do it to harm the least.

cissy September 13, 2014 at 10:42

@ Susann and @Michael,
I can see both sides since i’ve been on both sides of the coin. I needed to break up with my boyfriend because he was making me responsible for his happiness. He was insecure, so I would have to constantly reassure him that I would not cheat, the relationship was important, etc. I go to school and work full time. I told him that I could not go out on a Friday night because I wanted to do laundry and study. He gave me grief and shiz about the whole thing. seriously. So, to “accommodate” him and his insecurity, I offered that we could spend time if he wanted to go to the laundromat with me. And he still didn’t like that option either and would make passive-aggressive statements like, “i guess i’ll spend time w/ my friend since my girlfriend doesn’t have time for me.” Yes, it was really draining and his insecurity was a turn off.

And just like in Susann’s case, I stayed longer than I should have because he was a “nice” person. I debated on whether to “try” to make it work or break it off. I thought long and hard about this. I am going a little in depth to explain that it is not an easy decision to make. I’ve been on the other end when people can seem “blunt”., IMO, when people are “blunt” they are confusing/disguising this with being “mean” or “cruel”, but it is not the same as being “blunt”. I had already explained to him that there was a good chance I would have to cancel our date because of a term paper due that day. I called him the next day where he begins bitching me out that I don’t have time for him. Seriously! I could have been “blunt” and told him I’m breaking up because I can’t take his pettiness, neediness, insecurity and whininess? and this behavior makes has made me lose all and any attraction (sexual, emotional, physical, etc.) for him. But I did not do that, I was still “blunt” and “honest” and told him that I’m not happy. It’s not working & I don’t feel good and I don’t think we should see each other anymore. I ended it because I felt I was being smothered and I was tired of being his only cheerleader, therapist, etc. and he still would not listen to my advice!

Michael, I did feel bad/guilty because he was a “nice” person and that I had to end this relationship. My intentions were not to be mean or cruel, but to be honest that it was not working anymore and I couldn’t continue with this relationship. And I felt guilty afterwards. But there was also a sense of relief. You know it’s bad when studying and working out & cutting choc. out soooo much easier and I’d rather do them than to reassure him and listen to him complain about what i did/didnot do enough of. Yes, there will be people that may leave relationships in a cruel, abrupt way. But, I hope the stories on this board would show that there are people who leave relationships and try to have grace, integrity and compassion towards the other person when they deliver the news.

You said that “It is more that for me every person, every pet, every object, everything in my life for 49 years (maybe in past lives) is still in some way there.” I also have rejection issues as well. I agree with your statement, but I don’t see it as keeping them physically present in my life. I am not necessarily discarding these people. I see it as they are still in my life as they continue to shape my decisions and perceptions as I continue to live. I am moving on and only thing that I “let” go is the pain that I felt and the need to carry it (pain) in my life. For example, the last time I was the dumpee, it hurt like a motherf*cker. I was also pissed because my ex took the passive way to get out of the marriage, which hurt even more. I then decided if I had to end a relationship in the future, I would do it with honesty, compassion and their dignity intact. So, yes, this relationship (prior marriage) has not been discarded or out of my life. But since this was a divorce and no kids, there really is no sense or benefit to be in physical contact with my ex.

I think this board is great because we can all agree to disagree, and in our disagreements, we open up the forum up to a discussion of ideas and experiences. This way, we can see where the other person is coming from instead of “well, if you don’t agree, your a hater!” ugh, very childish IMO, which creates misunderstanding, miscommunication and fails to take advantage of being able to leave comments and respond to readers and Melody’s stuff.

Michael September 13, 2014 at 11:03

Fantastic Cissy thanks for sharing.

The important thing I see underlying your and others’ statements is to do the right thing by yourself.

I just would prefer to have a few people and things in my life right now that I had. I can’t be pretend to be happy which is what LOA demands. I mean do people with the ebola virus feel good right now??????

I think this post has brought so many issues for me to consider. What I like about what you wrote Cissy is that you made the decision, in my view, to not have those persons physically present. I like that. I just wish some I knew where because I miss a lot of things. Breaking up with friends is just as nasty and hurtful. But as you say Cissy, the board allows people to discuss ideas and I am just going through this pretty shiny happy puppy stage reading everyones’ views on this subject. I don’t disagree, but I do think in hindsight that it would be nice to have certain people back in my life even if I do the dancing and not the writing class because I miss them and I don’t feel good right now.

Then again that does not mean LOA isn’t working :) I just don’t see it yet and this post and the comments is making me think hey perhaps it ain’t so bad having broken up with friends, jobs or family.

Thanks Cissy

Michael September 13, 2014 at 11:05

Actually I contradicted myself I said I was a happy shiny puppy yet I don’t feel good right now LOL – well that’s great hey :) , thanks to all who let me work this issue out and commented, I will let LOA do its thing, but that’s how I feel ATM – both things at once.

SK September 18, 2014 at 15:20

Michael, you have a long road ahead of you but I’m sure you will get there.

LOA doesn’t demand you to be happy before it will work for you just as Gravity doesn’t demand you to be happy before it will work for you. LOA is just a force of nature.
The wise ones among us found ways to personalize LOA just as we utilized Gravity and Electricity.
There are many ways, let me nominate one : LOA as personalised gravity.
Treating LOA as a personal gravity force, we use a combination of physical+mental+emotion focus as the main tool to adjust the pulling force. As we focus more on something, we pull it and ourselves closer fast, as we stop focusing, it slows down. As we stop paying attention to it altogether, it will slowly drifts away. Yes you are right, this means we can selectively pull what we want into our life . Not only that, we can speed things up or slow things down but remember this:

We are always pulling.

Somewhere along the line, you will come to realise that the way to reduce emotional suffering is not about lettings things go, but rather about not picking them up in the first place. Quality over quantity.

Jann September 14, 2014 at 04:20

I was “dumped” by someone and I hated the feeling at the time, it was confusing and it triggered a lot of feelings about my value, loveability and desirability. Our relationship wasn’t a win-win situation but two scared insecure people looking for validation from the outside. I can only talk from my perspective but this break up made me look at myself and take ownership of how I don’t value and love myself. The breakup was a gift. I wish my ex well and can clearly see now it was my my higher good. I agree wholeheartedly with Melody it’s not in anyone’s best interest to dimish yourself to remain in a relationship. It’s not about crushing people but honoring your own happiness.

April September 14, 2014 at 06:31

I can definitely relate. Months ago, I was ditched too, lol. Of course, it was a painful experience, but it was also a huge catalyst for growth. It was the best thing that could have happened- I learned so much about self-love/acceptance/worth/trust and personal power in the past several months and it’s benefited me greatly. The relationship triggered big, big issues that needed attention but I didn’t know how to address them at the time. I honestly do believe he and I agreed to ‘play’ together, like Melody says. I see how it served my highest good too, and I’ve learned a lot and I’m having fun with the process (well… most of the time). And as I’ve released my anger toward him, I can say that I love him (who he really is), just not what he’s done. But most importantly I can begin to say that I love myself. Anyway, I’m rambling here. Congratulations on your progress :) ))

Jann September 14, 2014 at 08:17

I appreciate your reply April and it’s great to know I am in good company :) I hear exactly what your saying and glad you shared :) it’s own wards and upwards from here for both of us :)

Anon September 14, 2014 at 18:36

From your comment April and Jann I can see that it is possible that staying in a relationship cause the person is a “nice” guy can really be hurting the person’s growth as well as mine.

Kristin September 15, 2014 at 19:17

I got the email, but it just brought me here. How do I register for the event?

Kristin September 15, 2014 at 19:19

Never mind. I got it.

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