Awesome Melissa’s Burning Question: “What happens when you’ve asked for something, it shows up (totally unexpectedly and awesomely), and then you say no to it? Is it gone forever? Aka, have you screwed yourself out of the thing you asked for?
I had been asking for a different job – one that involved more creative work and more work as part of a team. Out of the blue, I was offered an interview at a company I had never even heard of before, right around the corner from where I live (even better because I could bike to work, which I love). I went for the interview, loved the owners, really liked the sounds of everything and would have been working on computer graphics and web work in addition to some research projects. Everything sounded awesome and I was ready to pack my bags. Then I asked about the wage – it was significantly lower than my current wage which made me nervous. Then I started thinking about having to tell my boss (who is like a mama hen to me) that I wouldn’t be working for her anymore after she’s been so supportive of me and had only hired me full-time two months prior. Needless to say, I turned the job down 5 months ago and I still think about it. I torture myself in my head about turning down exactly what I’ve asked for and now have a lot of regret over the whole situation and do a lot of ‘What if?’ in my head.
I know the Universe is abundant and awesome, but I’m really having a hard time dropping the feelings of regret over saying no to exactly what I asked for, and fear that an opportunity like that won’t show up again because I was such a jerk in turning down the first one! Please help!”
Dear Awesome Melissa,
Yep, you’re screwed. The Universe only ever gives you one shot at happiness. If you aren’t a gracious receiver of your gift, you will hurt its wittle feewings, and it will stomp off into the night like a sullen teenager who’s just declared all adults to be idiots, never to grace you with its kindness again. Like with first impressions, you only get one chance. And apparently, you just blew yours.
That, in case you missed it, was sarcasm.
Why we say no
We’ll get into the question of just how many shots at happiness you’re allowed later, but first, let’s break down some basics.
You never say no to an opportunity without having a reason. Contrary to what your cruel brain likes to tell you, you are not some self-sabotaging moron, incapable of making sound decisions. You ALWAYS have your reasons for making a decision. ALWAYS.
The question is, are those reasons serving you, or do you want to change them?
Exactly what you wanted?
One of the reasons we say no is when something feels like settling. Yes, this job opportunity sounded great. But it wasn’t perfect, was it? It was only nearly so. You said the wage made you nervous. That doesn’t sound perfect to me. Perhaps this is just the closest you’ve ever come to the perfect job, and even though you said no in the moment, you are now second guessing that decision. Wouldn’t it have been better to just take it? After all, what are the chances that another job like that will EVER come along, right? Well, you tell me. What are the chances that you’ll be willing to line up with the perfect job? Because that’s all this depends on…
Not being willing to settle for less than what you want is a good thing. Far too many people will say yes to and stay in situations that make them uncomfortable because there are SOME good qualities involved. Because, apparently, you only get to have so much good stuff before you become a greedy, greedy, bastard. So take your almost perfect job and shut up already! At least, that’s the belief that’s still floating around out there. Of course, that belief doesn’t serve us and doesn’t feel good.
All that’s happened is that you’re beating up on yourself for not being willing to put up with a situation that made you nervous. In other words, a part of you thinks that you shouldn’t have listened to your inner guidance, to your emotional feedback system. That part of you is an asshole. And wrong. Don’t listen to her. I hear she drinks…
When a situation feels off to you, it’s CORRECT to stop and think for a moment. Blindly saying yes to anything that looks even remotely good, even though it comes with baggage, is the equivalent of going out with a douchebag because he’s good looking. Oh man, you want to show up at your High School reunion with that guy on your arm! So what if he’s rude to the waiter, can’t hold a conversation about anything other than Monster Truck Rallies, makes fun of your thighs and not so subtly suggests that you should take that pole dancing class, snicker, snicker? It’s worth it, right? Right??
Nope. It’s never worth it. Stop settling and stop feeling guilty for not settling. It’s called having standards. You should be proud of yourself for having them.
But, what if you were just afraid?
Of course, it’s also possible that this job would’ve made you deliriously happy, but that you were simply afraid. Were you more worried about your current boss’ feelings than your own? Were you willing to sacrifice your own happiness for hers? If so, you’re not alone. A lot of good people prioritize other people’s feelings over their own. This, I’m sorry to tell you, never leads to happiness. Not for the one who sacrificed and not for the person who was sacrificed for.
You’re not responsible for how others feel. You can’t be. You can’t manifest in their reality. This is not to say that you should run around smacking people in the face and then declare that if they experienced pain, you had nothing to do with that. But not because they wouldn’t have actually manifested that pain (they would have). You shouldn’t do that because you don’t want to.
The light worker’s dilemma
Little side note (because this question comes up so much…): So often, when I’m teaching someone to take care of themselves and honor their own feelings, they get concerned that this will make them a douchebag. “If I don’t care about other people’s feelings anymore, won’t that make me a bad person?” This is the light worker’s dilemma. You’d rather sacrifice yourself than be a bad person. Fair enough.
Only, respecting yourself is a long way from stabbing people in the eye with a salad fork. I’m not saying you can’t care about people, just don’t care about them more than you care about YOU. That’s all. They can be a close second, if you want. And honestly, if you’re worried about being a douchebag, you’re not one. Period. All you’re really doing is allowing others to take care of themselves while you take care of you, instead of you taking care of everyone (which comes from a belief that they can’t, which is kind of condescending if you think about it), while NO ONE takes care of you. This is not a sustainable arrangement.
So, when I tell someone to focus on their own happiness and stop feeling responsible for how others feel, and they ask me “So, you’re saying that I should just go out and kill people and steal and abuse kittens?”, my answer is always: “Is that what would make you really happy?”. Because, of course, the answer to that is always “no.” No one is going to go and do that stuff from a place of true happiness. People do that kind of thing from a place of pain. So, actually, if we were to all respect our emotions, it would lead to a huge decrease in douchebaggery. Think about THAT the next time you feel guilty for setting a boundary…
Either way, now what?
Whether you declined that job offer because it wasn’t quite right or because of fear, your reaction should pretty much be the same (hint: it does not include you beating up on yourself!) In either case, there’s more vibrational aligning to be done.
So, the salary wasn’t quite right. No problem. Just add that to the list of things you want! Augment your visualizations (if you visualize), and begin to focus on a job that has all the elements you’re already a match to (bravo!), PLUS a kick ass salary that you’re excited about. Why should you have to sacrifice financial joy to have a great job? Isn’t the salary part of the job?
If you realize that you said no to this job out of concern for your current boss’ feelings, then you have some shifting to do there. The section about the Lightworker’s Dilemma should help you gain a new perspective. For what it’s worth, what I feel from you indicates that you are not afraid, but looking for reasons to justify why you didn’t take the job. The only justification you need is that it didn’t feel quite right. You honored your emotional feedback, and you should be proud of that.
Either way, you said no because something was off. It wasn’t yet perfectly aligned. All you have to do now is to decide what you didn’t yet like about this situation and what you want instead. Then, focus on that. Exclusively.
How many chances to do you get?
You really have to stop thinking of the Universe (or God, or whatever term you’re using) as a person, especially a snippy, insecure one. The mechanism of the Law of Attraction is really much more like a machine, like a computer. Open up a word processing document. Now hit “Enter”. Does the cursor move down a line? It sure does. Now, how many times can you hit “Enter” before the computer throws a hissy fit and stops responding because, obviously, you’ve failed to properly appreciate its efforts? How many times can you backspace or delete entire paragraphs before the software says “Nope! I’m not doing this anymore! You should’ve thought about what you want to write before you got here. You only get so many chances at this. And you’re done, goddammit!”
Are you starting to get the picture? You’re never going to run out of chances. You’re never going to be in a position where you can’t manifest what you want. That option is always available to you.
HOWEVER… you will not get the job you want while beating the crap out of yourself. In fact, that’s how you manifest a shitty, shitty job. Sound familiar? Hmmmm?
The right way to respond
Once you’ve realized what it was that bothered you and given yourself full permission to be bothered by it (it’s ok to want a good salary, and it’s ok to want your boss to be happy), and once you’ve used that information to focus on what you want instead (a good salary, the understanding that your boss is responsible for her own happiness, is a powerful creator and will be fine without you), focus on that. In the case of your boss, even though you can’t make how you feel dependent on how she feels, you can certainly bring yourself relief by imagining her being totally happy for you and ok with your decision.
The next step is to realize that this was a precursor; a manifestation designed to show you where your vibration is at, so you can fine tune it and line up with what you REALLY want. Precursors are often awesome, but just a little off. Many people either try to settle for precursors, or think something has gone horribly wrong when it doesn’t come to fruition. Think of a precursor as a mock up. It’s the Universe saying “Like this?”, and you get to make more changes. It’s not the final product and it was never meant to be.
When a precursor has come and gone (because they never stick around; “This design mock-up will self-destruct in 3…2…1…”), what you want to do is look forward to the real thing. Fine tune your vibration and get ready for some good shit to flow into your experience. After all, if this amazing job was just the sample, then what must the final product be like? Even better! That’s what.
The only thing that went wrong here is that you decided the mock up was the real thing, and then you killed your vibration with doubt and self-flagellation. So, you pooped all over your vibration. Stop doing that. You didn’t miss the boat. You didn’t miss your chance. You didn’t screw it up. You just misinterpreted what happened, that’s all.
It’s like you wanted to take a bus to Disney Land, but it was so crowded that you couldn’t comfortably fit. And then, in the 5 minutes before the next bus came, you started to scream and cry because you somehow decided that you now can’t get to Disney Land at all. And if you work yourself into a big enough tizzy, you may even miss the next couple of busses. You just won’t notice them what with all the bitching and wailing. But once you’ve calmed down, you’ll eventually see that the busses come every 5 minutes. And they never stop. You can wait for the right one, the comfy one with air conditioning and a friendly driver and a free seat for you.
Of course, some people will miss that first bus, get upset and go home for a few years. The busses still come, but they don’t even bother looking for them. They’ve decided that there is no bus and there is no Disney Land. Don’t be that person. Stand at the bus stop and look forward to the ride. Look forward to the perfect bus. Decide what you want your bus to look like and what amenities will make the ride really pleasant for you. Then, don’t settle for anything less.
It isn’t just possible for you to get what you want, you are here to get what you want. It’s part of the construct, part of the design. It’s a given. You can have what you want. You can receive the reality you’ve always dreamed of. You deserve it. You’re worthy of it. You WILL get what you want. All you have to do is let it in. The Universe will be ready for you whenever you finally decide to do that.