Dear LOA: Was My Ex Enlightened Or Just A Sociopath?

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by Melody Fletcher on December 19, 2013

 

Awesome Nicole’s Burning Question: “I have read your blog post about how to get over a break up, as well as other posts on this site relating to the topic and from what I understand, it is okay and even expected for people to rotate in and out of our reality. This doesn’t mean they are a jerk or an asshole or whatever else you can think of – they just simply rotated out.

However, given the track record of my ex in his past 6 relationships (find, inflate, drop) I’m starting to wonder if he is actually, to a degree, some type of sociopath and not enlightened like I initially suspected.

Initially in my mind I was giving him a lot of credit post break-up. “Wow, he really has LOA down and doesn’t even realize it. He decided to leave without really knowing why, and immediately started looking for other people and opportunities with little to no remorse or grieving. This guy is enlightened!”

I understand it is healthy to find a mate and feel intensely attracted to them, as well as rotate out once we are no longer a vibrational match. BUT – where is the line?

Are Sociopaths, or variations thereof, simply very enlightened people that can detach emotion and let people “rotate out of their reality” easily, or are they actually just nut jobs that we attract into our lives because of our negative beliefs?”

Dear Awesome Nicole,

I LOVE this question!! LOA critics everywhere are spinning in their graves. This is another layer of the whole “Does LOA teach us to be delusional?” debate (Hint: No). If we truly make peace with the fact that people can and will at times just gravitate out of our experience, does that turn us into detached sociopaths?

This is kind of a tricky one. I mean, if LOA does turn us into nut jobs, then I may well be a total whacko by now. And if that’s the case, then I may simply be lulling you into a false sense of security before ensnaring you in my evil, diabolical plan to, um, give you smooshy hugs and chocolate. Wait… no… WAY more diabolical, Melody. Um, I will hug you suggestively while making weird, guttural noises, causing you to feel increasingly uncomfortable. And then I shall force you to eat cheap chocolate, the kind that turns white after a while and kind of ruins Easter candy for you forever, while I eat really, really good chocolate right in front of you! Mwahahahahaha! Ok, if I’m a sociopath, I’m not very good at it.  I can do snarky; I can’t do evil.

No, LOA doesn’t turn you into a sociopath. Let’s take a look at why:

What is a sociopath?

From a vibrational perspective, a sociopath is someone who feels powerless to such a degree, that they’ve basically completely and totally detached from their conscious connection to Who They Really Are, their own emotions and other people. There is a deep seeded rage within them, one that will manifest either as explosions of often unimaginable (to the rest of us) violence, or more diffused acts of manipulation. In either case, these acts are designed to empower the individual. Because they have so completely disconnected, they often don’t even see other people or animals as real beings, but more as things or objects, put there as either obstacles that are in their way, or playthings to be exploited. This detachment, by the way, is always present and necessary in the event of torture and violence. You cannot hurt someone whom you identify with.

Now, not all sociopaths are violent; there are different degrees to this state, but depending on the amount of detachment, the capacity is often there if the individual feels trapped or cornered (that doesn’t mean they actually are, they merely need to perceive themselves to be).

Sociopaths in love

Psychologists would say that a sociopath is incapable of love. I disagree. No one is incapable of love (we are love), but these individuals are so detached from themselves, that they cannot access that emotion. So, for all intents and purposes, you probably shouldn’t date one, as a rule.

How does this detachment differ from what LOA teaches in terms of allowing people to gravitate in and out of your life?

The main difference is in the presence and awareness of emotions. The sociopath cannot access his emotions. Sure, rage may squirt out now and again, but the rest of time, he’s going to be totally numb (NOT to be confused with the Void! Sociopaths aren’t just sort of numb, they don’t even know what emotions feel like). The charm he exhibits will be learned behavior, a mask he has trained himself to wear, as he’s observed that others will react well to it. When a sociopath gets out of a relationship, he moves on quickly. Since he can’t feel his emotions, he basically just forgets about the relationship and any impact it could’ve potentially had on him.

LOAers in love

When an enlightened person, as you put it, gets out of a relationship, this looks very different. They will be appreciative and grateful for the gifts this person brought into their life. They will understand that no matter how it ended, that they are now better off for having been in that relationship. They will understand the lessons they learned, the experiences they had, and the insights they received. They will know of the value of that relationship. They will not forget about this person, but will, in fact, often continue to love them unconditionally, knowing that just because a romantic relationship has ended, that the soul connection (that connects us all) has not. They will take what they learned about themselves in this relationship and actively apply it to the next one, looking for the growth, the evolution, the “better and better and better”.

This is not the numbing kind of detachment of the sociopath. It’s simply an allowing, an acceptance, a letting go of the need to control, to hang on, to limit. We can get everything we want, we just can’t determine that it must come from a specific person. A sociopath doesn’t truly believe that he can get what he wants, so he will try to eke out whatever he can get, wherever he can get it. Sure, he doesn’t make you responsible for giving him what he wants – he will move on quickly if you don’t meet his needs, but not because he’s focused on his desire. He’s focused on survival, pure and simple. The energy of enlightenment is integrative, creative, inclusive. The energy of a sociopath is segregated, destructive, and exclusionary. He sees himself as completely alone, not connected to anything or anyone, and cannot allow himself to connect, as that would bring up all his pain. So, he remains numb.

Dating a sociopath

My advice on this one would be: don’t. Although, as you discovered, it can be a little hard to tell, at first. They can be very, very charming. Only, there’s this one little (not so little) thing to consider: When you meet a sociopath, your intuition will warn you. Something will definitely feel off. The more practiced you are at listening to your intuition, the louder that voice will be.

If you found yourself attracted to an individual like this, it’s most likely, on a very basic level, because you don’t listen to your inner voice, and you let your mind override your emotions. Your feeling may have been “Hmmm, something’s weird about this guy”, while your mind was all like “Oooh, sexy dude! And he’s paying attention to me! I feel special!”

There are any number of reasons that you might do this: low self-esteem or self-worth, negative expectations about men or relationships, just to name a couple. But at its core, the reason you manifested someone like this, is that it reflected something inside you. A belief you have about yourself. The specific belief can be determined by how this entire episode feels to you. And I promise you, a lot of this will come down to you not trusting your own inner judgment. Figure out why you didn’t, and you’ll never have to deal with this kind of relationship again.

Bottom line

A sociopath has no access to his feelings. LOA teaches us to be MORE in touch with our emotions, to honor them, step into them and learn from them. So, LOA doesn’t just NOT turn you into a sociopath, it actually leads to the exact opposite state.

So, fear not. You can LOA till the cows come home, you will not suddenly get the urge to kill kittens. Now, may I interest you in some of this suspicious looking chocolate while I make you physically uncomfortable with my inappropriate closeness?

personal-space

 

 

{ 15 comments }

Clare December 19, 2013 at 14:33

Totally Brilliant Post Melody!

Your explanation of the reasons why we may have attracted a relationship with a person like this is so spot on.

And of course our inner guidance, intuition, that little inner voice is always there within us, but many times as you say the mind overrides this as you described so well in this sentence;
“Hmmm, something’s weird about this guy”, while your mind was all like “Oooh, sexy dude! And he’s paying attention to me! I feel special!”

This post will help others have those A-Ha moments. Brilliant!
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samantha December 19, 2013 at 15:19

Hi Melody,
only after reading your post, I ‘GET IT’ I have had the ‘something not right’ with a few Mr Charmings, who then tried to turn into bullies when I don’t want to see them anymore, when there ‘mask’ starts to slip.
yes my intuition had gave a warning bell which I chose to ignore, calling myself stupid for thinking this way, not anymore, in fact, I am more grateful to my inner voice, which to date, thinking about it, has never let me down IN MY LIFE!
Feel Awakened!

Summer December 19, 2013 at 15:55

Samantha,

I used to have the same problem. I would date these guys and in the very beginning, I would have that little voice that would say to me “RED FLAG” “RED FLAG”. But I didn’t listen. I would keep on dating him anyway and eventually I would end up on my couch alone crying into a tub of ice cream. LOL! Once I FINALLY figured out that the “little voice” in my head has ALWAYS been right my entire life, I started listening to it. It only took me about 26-27 years to figure it out. I am still trying to learn to dechipher that little voice from my over-thinking, over-analytical mind and, thanks to Melody and her awesome blog (and a couple of coaching calls) I am finally able to tell the difference most of the time. :)
Awesome post Melody (as usual)! And I have wondered this very same thing myself a few times. It reminded me of my ex-hubby. He was definitely a sociopath. I don’t doubt that for a second. And I’m very thankful I NEVER attracted another man as bad as him. I learned a very valuable lesson from him. Well I learned lessons from all of my ex’s: Most importantly what I DON’T want in a relationship. Now I am married and it’s a relationship that I DO want. :)

Jann December 20, 2013 at 10:03

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing Samantha :) I too have had difficult relationships with men who have had sociopathic ways – my gut was screaming “GET AWAY” but I didn’t listen because I thought it was my job to uplift these men to happiness hmmmmm that was faulty thinking at its best. I haven’t had a relationship with a positive partner yet but I feel I am getting closer to it and it was inspiring to hear that you have shifted to have an amazing relationship you want! Hopefully It will be my turn soon! thanks again for sharing :)

Judy December 19, 2013 at 17:18

Melody,
Thank you for your very important post; you may have saved someone’s life. You couldn’t be more spot on about sociopaths. They may not all become violent, but many do and the violence can escalate over time. Being married to one was the worst time of my life; being free of him was the beginning of learning to love myself. Learning to love myself became the best time of my life and made it beautiful.

Chris December 19, 2013 at 17:33

Melody,

Thank you so much!!
You just gave me the answer to the question I´ve been asking my self for over a year now! Is he E or a S, wow…what a reliefe for me.
Now I know I will not attract someone like that again, as after the breakup I have been enlightened:) And it´s wonderful!! and I´m so happy to be were I am today!

Bless yoy Melody

Solace December 19, 2013 at 18:11

Hey Melody,
This post really resonated with me.I get confused about the difference between the behavior of a sociopath and someone who is just being a jerk.Maybe i need to approach this from a feeling perspective rather than an intellectual one…which for me is having an excuse or rationale for everything.Thanks for the post…it clarified many doubts.

Dominique December 19, 2013 at 23:01

In my experience, they can be our ‘teachers’ for something we have to learn about ourselves and also to form a kind of ‘resistance’ against which we can become stronger and sharper. If you are a decent person who operates with integrity, you will discover that being with them is not a level playing field at all. They are experts of manipulation. We just have to make sure we ‘survive’ being with them and get out when the time is right, with minimum fall-out for ourselves. It can be done :)

Laura December 20, 2013 at 10:08

There’s a big difference in the WAY each type breaks up with you too.
Sociopaths will send texts, get their friends or even their new girlfriend to break it off with you.

Someone enlightened will have a grown up, big boy conversation with you and let you know what’s going on while you’re in the same room.

Melody Fletcher December 20, 2013 at 15:49

Excellent point Laura! Thanks for sharing it!

Hugs,
Melody
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H. December 22, 2013 at 13:29

Hey Melody (and all),

Your post made me think of my concerns regarding the Fifty Shades books, that I feel I have to share. I know that people are powerful and strong, and are in their own paths constantly discovering themselves. However, the books kind of worried me if it helps validate limiting beliefs in some (not all of course) people that might read it because, in my perspective when I read them:
- The novel is sold like a love story for a wide range of women (pre-teens to adults) to identify themselves with;
- The fictional character Christian Grey is a disturbing stalker and abusive (the way he speaks to her outside a sexual S&M context is pure domestic abuse. The film “Secretary” made me aware that relationships that also play an S&M game outside the sexual context, is a fun game for both parties that play it. Both parties are aware of it and that no one is scared. In other words, both parties arrange their own particular way of feeling powerful and good about themselves and with eachother);
- All is “sold” as perfectly fine and excusable, because he his good-looking, rich and makes her orgasm a gazillion times a day, and eventually he says that he loves her – which makes his controlling issues okay (sarcasm);
- She shows strong signs of intuition and shuts them down, whenever she looks at his looks and hot pants that “hang from his hips in that way” (/pukes) or thinks of how life without him will make no sense;
- Validates the limiting belief that a woman is incomplete outside a relationship and that her love and understanding will cure a man’s issues (even surpassing what years of therapy have done). Hey, I believe that any love helps overcome resistance, when the person is a match to that help. But the way this whole premisse is exposed, is just the cherry on top of a big fat cake of abuse… Validating the chock of a person when is abused by someone they trust the most, that they can change them, that it is understandable because he/she “is stressed and/or has a dark past”.

In other words, Fifty Shades could be a pedagogic tool if:
a) It was shown as a case study for people who want to make a career in publishing, how to do a bad editing;
b) It was used as an example on why people still continue in abusive relationships – how the brain works, the limiting beliefs, etc.

Thank you for your attention to these toughts…

Hugs

Sebastian December 23, 2013 at 01:57

Seeing how most people are unaware of the LOA, would you say that most people are sociopaths in a relationship?
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SK December 23, 2013 at 08:02

Sebastian,

The concept is old and mostly common sense.
Different generations has a slightly different take on it and so they called different names.

For example:
Old name = Tao Te Ching
New name = The Secret

Old name = Tao
New name = Law Of Attraction.

Anne December 24, 2013 at 05:29

This will sound weird, but do sociopaths always know if they are sociopaths? I have been suppressing my emotions for years, and now I struggle feeling emotions, as well as identifying my true emotions as oppose to what I think people should feel in certain situations. So how to know if someone who does not feel emotions, or is not sure if these emotions are real, is a sociopath or not?
Thanks!

KH January 15, 2014 at 05:20

Anne I struggled with emotions for years and being able to express them. You need to be you, and if that makes you uncomfortable then you should have to evaluate what is the root. There are a lot of people that can wear masks and you cannot tell if they are who they are until they have a meltdown.
You need to find space away from what is suppressing your emotions.

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