Awesome Nicole’s Burning Question: “So I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself for the past few years now (and don’t intend to ever stop!), and part of this work has included cutting people out of my life who no longer serve me. I’ve noticed that as I raise my vibration even higher, a lot of people who used to be my friends just aren’t on my level anymore. While it’s of course sad to let people go, it’s also freeing because it’s like getting rid of old baggage so that it’s easier to reach my full potential (not that I consider anybody to be “baggage” per se, just using a metaphor). But as I continue to cut people out who don’t vibe with me anymore, I’m very confused as to how to find new friends who ARE on my level. Now that I’ve got a lot of room in my life for new and awesome friends, I have no idea how to go about finding any. And since my vibration is on an all-time high level, I’m wondering how I can use LOA to attract some awesome friends into my life. And I mean truly platonic friends. I’m married and not looking to find a partner because I’ve already got one. Just need a new posse who gets me. Any advice?”
Dear Awesome Nicole,
This is a brilliant question and an issue that pretty much all of us will have to deal with on our journey to enlightenment. As we raise our vibrations, it stands to reason that not everyone around us will continue to be a match to who we are becoming, especially if the changes are fairly drastic. Those whom we attracted in our fear and misery aren’t necessarily going to love our new Happy Shiny Puppy selves. In fact, they might actively avoid us, like the giant, flying cockroach which you managed to trap in a plastic container in the bathroom, but which is obviously too large to squish (it probably knows Karate and will almost certainly drop kick you out of your own home if you try anything), and which you’re afraid to release out the window, because, being winged and all, it will undoubtedly dive bomb your head as soon as it’s free in an attempt to reenter what it clearly considers to be its holiday home. This can lead us to feel lonely and isolated. What’s a Happy Shiny Puppy in Training to do?
Why they leave
As you do this work, you’re probably going to actively be cutting some Negative Nellies and Miserable Marys out of your life, no longer willing to be sucked dry by their energy draining ways. But some of those belligerent bastards won’t have to be kicked to the curb. They’ll just leave on their own. Of course, not everyone who leaves does so because they’re unhappier than you. This is a total oversimplification (albeit a fun one, so I’m going to keep using it for the rest of the article). They’re simply not going to be a match to you anymore, for whatever reason.
This is an important point to remember when you find yourself sitting at home, alone, surrounded by cats and Häagen Dazs on a Saturday night, wondering why you’re suddenly being treated like a leper. Or, you know, cuddling with your hubby (and yes, I can hear some of you single, man-hunting ladies out there screaming “She’s married! What does she have to complain about?!” She still gets to have friends, girls. Unbunch those panties, put down the chocolate chip cookie dough, and put the muzzle back on the attack cat.) You are not being shunned. You are not suddenly undesirable or unfriendable. People aren’t leaving because there’s something wrong with you. In fact, they probably won’t have a clue as to why they’re really leaving. Oh sure, their minds will try to come up with reasons for why they no longer see you, which will all be arbitrary and vibrationally untrue. The real reason is that you’ve significantly changed your energy, and your vibrations simply no longer line up. They are physically unable to enter into your reality. It’s as if you’ve put up a new force field, which now filters out different people than before, and some of your old friends are simply not part of the new filter’s model. If it makes you feel better, you can proclaim that you must be THIS awesome to come in, and some of the people you used to know simply aren’t awesome enough. It’s not because you’ve suddenly started lecturing everyone you meet about how they create their own reality. Promise.
The next thing to remember is that this friendless state isn’t permanent. Much like the Void, it’s simply the gap between two distinct realities. It’s a transitional period, that’s all. Most people begin to stress out when they think “What if this is permanent? What if I never make any friends again?” It’s not and you will. Loads of them. And they will all be weird and woo woo like you.
How to make new friends
Providing that you don’t freak out about your social sabbatical, there’s really not much you need to do in order to make new friends. Just keep your vibration up, and as you make room for new people, they will eventually come streaming in.
But, for those of you who like to take a more active approach (and you know who you are), you can use this time to define the qualities you’d most like to see in your new amigos. After all, since you’re discovering your new identity (Who You Really Are), you might as well take the opportunity to create the perfect posse, your super friends, your Jackson 5, your Brat Pack (for us 80’s teens), if you will. Go through your current and past friends, and make a list of all the qualities you loved, as well as some of the ones you would’ve liked to have seen.
Qualities such as:
- Emotionally stable (I’m putting this at the top, because it’s the one that most people forget. But, do you really still need all that drama?)
- Great sense of humor (whatever that means to you. Personally, I like dry, sarcastic, witty and juvenile jokes. Yes, UK, I’m talking to you).
- Intelligent (dumb friends can be fun, but honestly, you’re probably going be less of a Beer Pong and more of an in-depth conversations kind of person now. No offense to Beer Pong, though.)
- Interested in self-development (Yes, you’re all woo woo and shit now. Just embrace it and get some friends who are, too)
- Authentic (or working on it. You want a REAL connection. Superficiality simply won’t cut it anymore)
Check to see if any of these qualities make you uncomfortable in any way. Can you imagine them all in the same person/people? Or were you willing to sacrifice one or more qualities to get the others? Remember that you don’t have to settle. There are some truly awesome people out there and just as in romance, you can manifest all the qualities you truly want. If you do discover any beliefs that would contradict the traits you’ve identified, just spend a little time visualizing what you want your new friends to be like, until the vision feels better. Remember not to get too specific (note that the above qualities are all general personality traits. Try to stay away from economic status, background, occupation, etc. Don’t limit your friendships to people who are just like you.)
What to do in the meantime
Ok, so you’re temporarily friendless, you’ve made your list and visualized, and now you’re just waiting for them to show up. What are you supposed to do until then?
I say, embrace your solo-ness. You’re in or have just gone through a period of intense personal growth. Perhaps you could take some time to get to know yourself a bit. Spend some time with YOU. Discover your interests anew (they’ll very likely have also changed quite a bit).
- Go to a bookstore and browse the titles. Don’t just look in the sections you’ve always gone to. Come in with fresh eyes and allow yourself to be drawn to what interests you NOW. Don’t hold yourself to old patterns.
- Read. We never get enough time to read, do we? This is a good time to catch up. Also, a great time to discover which books you now like.
- Take a dance class. Or some other kind of class. Learn a new skill or language. Or join a meet-up group. This, incidentally, is also a brilliant way to let your new friends discover you.
- Think. Yes, think. Or ponder, if you prefer. You have some time to kill now. Why not use some of it to sit with your thoughts? I don’t mean in a meditative way. I mean, with all the work you’ve done, the normal, negative chatter you had running through your noggin will have been replaced. By what? What are your opinions now? What do you like about stuff? If you don’t know, conversations with your new friends might be awkward for a while.
- Sleep. Glorious, wonderful, sleep.
- Redecorate your apartment/house/bedroom/broom closet. Let your space reflect your new vibration, too. See what you’re inspired to.
In other words, get to know yourself all over again. Don’t underestimate the impact the changes you’ve made and will continue to make can have on your identity.
When people start leaving your reality in droves, it can be easy to panic. What if you’ll be friendless forever, with nothing but your hairless cats and a genetically engineered Mini-You to keep you company? Don’t despair. Raising your vibration NEVER has negative consequences (although positive consequences can be misinterpreted as negative). You will not die alone because you suddenly got happier. You simply need to make room for your new posse, which shall be along shortly.
I’ve actually personally gone through this change several times in my life (often facilitated by my moving to a new country after a big shift.) What’s amazing is that some of my friends have actually managed to stick with me through several iterations. They have also made massive changes to their own vibrations, and miraculously, we continue to be a match to each other. I’ve “lost” a lot of friends over the years, but have also managed to attract some of the most awesome people you can imagine into my reality. Especially in the last year. These are soul mates, sisters and brothers from another mother, truly authentic individuals filled with pure awesomesauce. The Universe has always managed to find whoever was a perfect match to me at the time and bring them to me no matter where I was, geographically speaking. And, as long as I didn’t try to hold on to people past the relationship’s expiration date, those who left, did so quietly and elegantly. Those whom I held onto, had to be crowbarred out. Just a tip (Let. Them. Go).
Your new, awesome, spectacular, funny, intelligent, self-developing, emotionally stable and super hawt friends will find you. They will help you to continue to grow, instead of hindering you. They’ll embrace the woo woo. They’ll support you, but won’t let you slip back into old habits. They’ll call you on your shit, while they own theirs. They won’t just be your friends. They’ll be your family. They’ll give you smooshy hugs and kicks up the arse when you need them. They’ll love you. They’ll cherish you. And, they’ll slap some sense into you. You haven’t “lost” anything. But you’re about to gain more than you may have known was possible.
Excuse me. I think I need to go hug my friends now. *sniff*