Dear LOA: Why Aren’t Women Attracted To Nice Guys?

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by Melody Fletcher on September 23, 2013

 

Coaching Call #067 is out! The topic of this week’s call is: Her Friend’s Negative Energy Keeps Affecting Her.

Light workers: Listen up! This one’s for you. This client felt as though her friend’s negative energy kept intruding on her. She would even be awakened in the middle of the night, only to find out that her friend had been having negative thoughts about her at that very moment. Listen in we figure out how and why was manifesting this situation, and what she could do about it.

This call ran a little long. I tried to cut it as much as I could, but my intuition wouldn’t let me take much out (actually, I pretty much took nothing out except some dead space and a couple of coughs…). Just when you think it’s over, it gets REALLY good, with a perfect manifestation of her resistance, right there on the call. Nope, I’m not going to tell you more than that. I know… I’m such a tease. ;)

See the full call summary here.

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In my last post, Dear LOA: Are Men Hard Wired To Be Jerks?, I answered the many questions of Awesome Dudette, who clearly had some painfully limiting beliefs about men. Using my trademark tongue in cheek, lovingly blunt approach, I did my best to convince her that the reason she only saw jerks, is because she had her “jerk goggles” on and that the majority of men are actually spectacularly awesome. Full of love and appreciation for the male gender, I published my little post, rather satisfied that I’d stood up for my testosterony friends (you’re welcome, by the way). What I wasn’t prepared for was the barrage of angry emails I got from men, many of whom hadn’t even bothered to read the post, but were simply responding to the title. What became apparent from the surprisingly venomous language (not directed at me, mind you, they were mostly ranting), was that men, many men, in fact a huge number of men, are in pain. They’re sick and tired of hearing that women want nice guys, only to be left for some jerk who treats women like barely tolerable servants.

So, today I’d like to address the limiting beliefs that many of you men seem to harbor. Will I be easier on you than I was on Awesome Dudette? Ahahahahahahahaha! Aren’t you cute. No. You’re going to get lovingly slapped with the truth just like everyone else. Take it, well, like the men you are.

What’s wrong with nice guys?

While I’m glad to explain why women insist on picking assholes over guys who would treat them well (and I will, don’t worry), I first want to address the real issue: the reason that so many men responded with such anger to the concept of women being attracted to jerks, is because it triggered their own underlying fear that there’s something wrong with them. After all, if they’re willing to treat a woman with kindness and love and adoration and respect, and she actually rejects that in favor of some douchebag who couldn’t care less about them, then there must be something so fundamentally flawed about the nice guy, that it would outweigh all that other good stuff and make them undesirable. What a horrible, horrible thought. No wonder you all got so mad.

Never mind why women are actually engaging in this behavior. We’ll get to that in a second. But if you consider that you’re in charge of your own reality, you have to remember that WHATEVER you experience is simply a mirror of your own vibration. In other words, if you keep meeting girls that seem dreamy aside from their propensity to choose shitty men, then there must be something in your belief system that’s trying to get your attention. At a fundamental level, it’s going to come down how you see yourself (it always does. You can try to argue with this and insist that women are just stupid bitches if you like, but you’ll have to accept it eventually if you want to actually attract happy love). Of course, other, secondary beliefs can also play a part. Let’s take a look at some of the beliefs you might be holding, shall we?

Your crappy beliefs exposed

Women aren’t attracted to nice guys. This actually isn’t true. Women actually do want nice guys. They’re not lying when they say that. But, being with a nice guy can trigger some really horrific fears, so it’s often easier, and believe it or not “safer” to go out with jerks. I’m going to explain this in more depth in the section below.

Women don’t know what they want. This is often true. But it’s true for everyone. That’s what life is for – so we can figure out what we want. The fallacy here is that you think you have to give them what they want, whether they’ve identified it or not. It’s not your job to make a woman happy (and yes, I know we like to tell you otherwise…). It’s not your job to make anyone happy, except yourself. You can’t twist yourself into enough knots to defy someone’s beliefs. If they’re choosing to be miserable, they’re going to be miserable with or without you. You might be able to cheer them up temporarily, but you’ll essentially become their crack dealer – doling out temporary bits of relief, while they become dependent on you doing so. This scenario will drain you of your own happiness, while doing nothing to help them with theirs.

So, let it be ok that your partner is still figuring out what she wants (feel free to change the gender on this according to your situation. This information is valid for both genders and all possible variations of pairings). That’s part of her path. Just don’t make yourself responsible for providing it. You are not going to be the only conduit through which her happiness can flow. Stop looking for women to save, and start looking for women who are already happy. They’re a hell of a lot more fun to date.

Women always leave me. Yeah… that’s a limiting belief right there, Awesome Dudes. Before you get all melancholy about that, remember that this may not even be a bad sign. If the women who are always leaving you are getting better and better, that simply means you’re upgrading. Read this post to fully understand the concept (yes, the title makes it seem like it might not be for you, but it is). On the other hand, if you keep attracting the exact same woman and she keeps leaving you, you’re stuck in some belief you’ll really want to get rid of. The point is this: women leaving you isn’t the problem. If you are evolving and continuing to manifest better and better relationships, then know that you’re becoming more and more of a match to what you want. If you keep attracting the same shitty woman, then her leaving you isn’t the problem, either. The problem is: what do you believe that keeps bringing that kind of woman back into your life? And what would you have to believe to attract someone better?

Women are in control of the relationship. Ok, so this one gets perpetuated A LOT and of course, women aren’t going to do much to dispel this myth (I can hear my girlfriends telling me to shut the hell up). But the truth is, neither party is in control of the relationship, or at least they shouldn’t be. Yes, sometimes one party is more dominant than the other, more outspoken, more verbal, or even seems to make more of the decisions. That doesn’t necessarily mean that a true imbalance exists. The deciding factor is: are both people happy and comfortable with the arrangement? If the answer is yes, there is no imbalance.

But a lot of men go into relationships with the understanding that it’s the woman’s choice if the relationship will happen, as if men are just going to automatically say yes to any offer of pairing, slobbering, mindless sex beasts that they are (this was sarcasm, by the way, before you get all hate-mailey on me). Of course, this powerless stance breeds resentment. You don’t actually want to feel like you have no power. You want to be in charge of your own life, free to make your own decisions. Well, guess what? You are.

Both parties have to say yes to the arrangement. If you’re saying yes automatically, if you’re inviting women into your life who don’t fully appreciate you, you may just need to raise your standards a little (or a lot). Your choices are not between putting up with some woman who doesn’t fully value you, and being single for the rest of your life. But, and this is the really important bit, you cannot ask a woman to truly value you if you’re not willing to value yourself. And, no matter how much you want to slip into sweet, sweet denial about this, if you have been attracting women who are disrespecting you, you do not fully value and respect yourself. That’s why those women showed up in your reality in the first place. The following post will help to point you in the right direction: Are You Good Enough for the Lover You Want? (and yes, it will seem to be geared more towards women, but trust me, it applies equally to men).

Why women choose jerks over good guys

So, now that we’ve gotten the fundamentals out of the way, let’s take a look at why so many women choose jerks. Why do they seem to overlook the amazing guy right in front of them, never even considering him a viable candidate (the mythical friend zone)? Why do they often state that bad boys are just sexier?

The short and simple answer is: Because of their beliefs. I’m not going to go into all the specifics of those beliefs here, but in general, if a woman has a belief that she can’t have the kind of romance she really likes (because she’s not worthy, because those kinds of men don’t exist, etc.), then her reality cannot defy that belief. You might be a match to what she wants, but if you’re not a match to what she can allow, she’s not going to notice you in that way. It’s not because you’re not good enough, it’s because she can’t recognize what she’s not a match to.

Dating nice guys is scary. Yes, you heard me, scary. Here’s why: When a woman dates a nice guy, she has to get in touch with her vulnerability. She has to let him in. And she wants to. Dating a nice guy is part of what she really wants and therein lies the risk. She has to allow herself to truly believe that she can have what she wants, and in order to do that, she has to face all those fears and limiting beliefs.

It’s a bit like this: Let’s say that you want to be a famous singer. You’ve been practicing and visualizing. And then, an opportunity comes up where you can perform for 100.000 people. Well, if you’re not quite ready for that level, you’re going to freak out. It’s just too big, too close to what you want and too far from what you’re a match to. So, instead of it being a wonderful experience, even though it’s what you actually want, your anxiety just shuts you down.

Women don’t actually want to date jerks

It’s just that those jerks are often a much closer match to what they can actually allow. No one wants to be in a crappy job, but for many that’s where their vibration is at. This is the same. So when women say that they want a nice guy, they’re telling the truth. That doesn’t mean that they’re ready for a nice guy.

I used to think that bad boys were sexy. I really did. Nice guys seemed bland and boring to me. I often lamented that I wanted to find them attractive (I didn’t WANT to be attracted to jerks), but I just didn’t. Well, after some intensive inner work, I released a lot of ugly beliefs and fears about men. And over time, nice guys didn’t just become sexy, the bad boys totally lost their appeal. When I see someone being an asshole, I don’t want to fling myself across the room and insert myself between him and his tightey whiteys. My honest to God reaction (now) is “Ew. What a slimeball.” A nice, kind guy with a huge heart and a big smile holds a lot more appeal for me. But it wasn’t always that way. The reason this changed had nothing to do with the nice guys or anything being wrong with them. It was all me.

There was a time when I couldn’t say the words “guy” and “kind” in the same sentence without bursting into tears. I just couldn’t trust the niceness. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, the demon spawn that I believed lived in all men to come out, rear its ugly head and rip my face off (like in those Alien movies). It was actually safer to go out with guys that were openly douchey. At least I knew what I was getting. No surprises. It wasn’t that the nice guys weren’t nice enough or too nice or didn’t have enough tattoos, or whatever. The problem was that they defied my extremely negative beliefs about men. I just couldn’t get my head around the idea that someone could actually be that kind, that gentle, that amazing. I just KNEW that the evil spawn lived inside them, and I was making sure I couldn’t be blindsided. The devil you know, and all that.

I’m going to tell you the often unspoken truth here: there was nothing any of those guys could’ve done to change my mind. In fact, it was the jerks who helped me the most. Once I finally got sick of their treatment, I was finally willing to take a different approach. I had to have my own cattle prod moment (or several…), before I was willing to let go of my limiting beliefs. No nice guy could’ve loved or cherished me enough to make that change for me. I couldn’t even hear them. Their kindness simply wasn’t a match to what I believed was possible for me, and so it didn’t exist in my reality in any significant way.

Bottom line

It’s not your fault that some women (not all!) harbor beliefs that make them more of a match to being mistreated. But it is your responsibility if you keep meeting up with those kinds of women. Because there are plenty of women out there who think and believe differently. There are many awesome chicks out there who have made the shift and are able to allow what they actually want. There are women who will truly cherish you, appreciate you, and love that you treat them like gold. They will not try to control you, but want to enter into an equal partnership, one where you both get your needs met. If you’re having a hard time imaging such a woman, then you’ve got some work to do. Remember: you are in charge of your reality and everything that manifests in it. But, if you want to manifest something differently, you have to be willing to believe that you can have it.

So, how’s about we stop blaming the other gender for our manifestations or lack thereof, and begin creating the reality we want instead, hmm? I’m talking to both women and men here. And why don’t we start right now? I hereby challenge you to use the comment section to list what you actually like about the other gender (or whomever you’re trying to get with)? Use this space to help you line up with what you want more of, to get into a much higher vibration on this subject. Instead of expressing, yet again, why you can’t have what you want, challenge yourself to believe that what you want could actually come to you. So, what is it that you like so much about women/men? What qualities of theirs can you appreciate? What makes your heart sing? Go on, you just might inspire someone to shift their beliefs! Hell, you might just shift your own… :)

{ 48 comments }

Jackie September 23, 2013 at 22:55

Uhmm, ever consider (directed to those angry men out there) — that you are not really a “nice” guy? I had a very dear male friend who lamented this on occasion until we discussed some of his relationships one day. He was like, “Okay … never mind!” And we had a good laugh. I’m just sayin’ …

Lucille September 23, 2013 at 23:00

Tagged as “Jerks, nice guys, romance.” Sounds like a bestseller to me XD
I had to laugh when I saw the title of this post. Must be the weather that this keeps coming up.
You’re patience is remarkable, Melody. I told the last “nice guy” I came across that dating someone with no confidence who keeps complaining isn’t that appealing to everyone. I’m just rude. Doesn’t happen a lot – running into complainers. Did learn along the way that nice guys don’t fight. You can accidentally break up with them. Saw it happen. Blame communication, not gender. Stories everywhere.
I’ll appreciate privately. Makes people always so nervous :)
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Charlotte September 23, 2013 at 23:13

As usual, this post is spot-on, but I’d like to offer a little insight for anyone reading, coming from a girl who turns down many so-called “nice guys” left and right. It’s not that I’m attracted to bad boys (I’m not, in any capacity), but most nice guys tend to put off energy that isn’t attractive to me. In and of itself, claiming no women want nice men comes off as whiny, self-conscious, and after a certain point, desperate. Atop that, many “nice guys” tend to be pushovers and lack self-esteem, which tells me they should work on their own self-respect and confidence before doing anything else. Bottom line is that lamenting your lack of romance instead of being happy in your life despite it is unappealing, and makes it seem as if you need *someone else* to make you happy, which is pressure that no self-respecting woman (or man) wants to take on. Just like looking for a woman/man who is already happy, you should manifest your own happiness before trying to bring anyone else into the mix. Just my two cents.

S November 27, 2013 at 22:20

Totally agree, that’s the point too

Eve September 23, 2013 at 23:14

Men are awesome. They are strong and focused and bring the masculine energy into situations. Of course there are jerks, but not all women are sweetness and light either. I wonder though, if there isn’t a ‘perceived’ self-esteem issue at play as well. Some ‘bad boys’ come across as very self-assured and confident and that is attractive (note to self: self-confidence is attractive!).

B September 24, 2013 at 00:03

Haha oh girl, you hit some nails right here. *applauds* Well then here goes nothing;

I love men that have a sense of humour, and in my experience the men I come across are generally more laid back than the women in my life and I love that, I always did get along better with men. I love self-confidence but I absolutely appreciate modesty. The certainty in one’s self is absolutely sexy but only when accompanied by modesty, even if they can back up their claims, but if they are over-confident and CAN’T back it up, I think they are over-compensating losers…

I love their smells (I sometimes wear men’s perfume, providing it’s subtle… Is that weird? Haha I don’t care xD) and I love that they can (sometimes) get away with long or short hair, men that are attractive to me seem to know what they want and are often willing to voice it, but more importantly are willing to strive for their goals, their sense of showmanship and competitiveness is incredibly hawt and they aren’t afraid to be silly once in a while (imagines a hunk in shorts and socks sliding along wooden floors singing boy band girl songs on our honeymoon hotel… Haha I love it… <3)

Playful personality is refreshing to a girl, affectionate protectiveness wins over possessiveness, and a clean-shaven face with proper grooming is always a plus, for me anyways… *swoons*

solace September 24, 2013 at 02:05

Oooo…i love this post,Melody.
I love the different perspective which a guy can bring to a situation..add to that the fact that they can see the humour in most of the things..in my experience.
My kind of guy would be calm,chivalrous,kind,have an easy smile which would make me smile in return,make me blush,there is an incredible mutual attraction,i can have a stimulating conversation with him…i need to refine my list further..this is just the first draft.

@B above nailed it.

Laurel September 24, 2013 at 05:22

I love men who aren’t too skinny, and have a little muscle. I love men who are confident enough to shave their head, or get a tattoo, or walk a tiny little dog without being embarrassed. I love it when men are confident enough to want a powerful woman. I love a man with a quick wit and easy smile. I love a man with an edgy face- not too smooth- a face that shows he has some experience in the world. Scars are sexy too. I love men who don’t have a “type”, but see each woman’s special appeal [just as each man has a special appeal!] I especially love men who aren’t afraid to push themselves to try new things- courage is extremely sexy!!

SK September 24, 2013 at 07:26

some beliefs men have about women

- “women are such control freaks. They will lure you in, lock you down and run your life. She will try to fix you until she is happy. But she will never be happy.”

- “I am incomplete because I’m only half. My other half is somewhere out there. I can’t be happy until then. Once I found her, she will complete me. So half + half = one. ”

- “I am the provider of happiness. Once I find a woman I love, i will pour all my love into her heart and fill it up. I believe that will make her happy. I will also do anything to please her. If she is unhappy, I will be unhappy too. My happiness depends on her”

- “I love women. I mean there are so many to choose from : the tall one, short one, big one, small one, the loud one, the quiet one, the blonde, the brunette, the one with nice face, the one with nice boobs, the one with nice booty, etc….. Man, so many to pick, so little time. having 1 is not enough, I gotta get more…. gotta catch them all.”

- “men are masters, women are slaves”

- “the man is the captain, the woman is the ship. It’s natural for the man to lead and the woman to follow. If the woman is to lead, it’s the same as the captain asking the ship for direction.”

- “except for my family, women are good for sex or nothing. They can’t be good friend either.”

- “men are troublemakers. Women are managers. Men have to make some troubles for the women to manage. If we didn’t they will have nothing to manage and they will be bored, and will eventually leave us. Don’t let them rest until they’re 80″ (this one is from grandpa)

ashley September 24, 2013 at 08:37

I love how guys are much more laid back than women. They care less about how a woman looks whether she has makeup on or off. Most men don’t even understand why women even wear makeup, they just don’t get the significance. Men are easy to get advice from. Men are so chill they do not take issues as personally as women. Men are hilarious and funny. Men are spontaneous and love to go on adventures and are up for anything. I love guys mostly because they are just so chill about everything. They don’t get riled up about appearance and they choose the woman they like because her personality fits meshes with them the most.

Awesome Dudette September 25, 2013 at 04:16

What you wrote is awesome! It show how much beliefs really govern our experiences.

In my experience guys are always putting down women for not being pretty enough, due to my own negative beliefs about that. But oops, we’re supposed to only talk about the positive, sorry lol

So as a positive trait I see in men I’d say they are carefree and prone to living in the moment.

Ellie September 24, 2013 at 10:18

Basing this on my own personal experience of liking bad boys in the past (not anymore thank god): I think it all boiled down to me not liking myself enough. I didn’t place a high value on myself, therefore I was quite suspicious of any guy who genuinely liked me. It felt weird and wrong. And in some twisted sort of way I dismissed the nice guy who like me as being faulty also because he couldn’t possibly be that big of a deal if he thought I was!!

I realise how messed up this all sounds, but unfortunately it’s true. I used to believe that I liked bad boys because it was more of a challenge, but now I realise I was actually challenging myself to win their approval because deep down I felt they were better than me. That’s why some girls put up with jerks: it’s because they’re really trying to win the approval they haven’t given themselves. Nice guys don’t present that sort of challenge – they accept the girl for exactly who she is, and to the girl that feels all wrong because she doesn’t accept herself for exactly who she is (or not yet anyway)!! As soon as a girl starts accepting and loving herself, that need for approval begins to disappear (and so does the attraction to bad boys).

So, to all you men out there who feel frustrated at women for liking these bad boys – please don’t feel angry or upset towards girls who do this. Try and have some compassion for them because the real reason they do this (whether they realise it or not), stems from a place of pain and lack of self-love – it’s absolutely nothing personal to all of you lovely nice guys! :-)

ash September 24, 2013 at 20:10

this was such a help. this is what im going through as a woman right now in college. probably the worst place to feel this way. haha. but im finding ways to work this issue out of me and loving myself more.

Ellie September 28, 2013 at 16:36

Glad I could help Ash. And don’t worry, I felt the same way when I was in college (and for a long time after too). Everyone goes through feeling this way at some point. I had the blinkers on for years and was so out of touch with my own feelings and why I felt the way I did. I’ve only come to the above conclusions in the past year or two. In fact, I think that certain family members had a huge effect on my messed up belifes, as well as my own insecurities. Because I was insecure, it was more comforting to believe the “Men are all the same” talk. So now that what I’ve said resonates with you, keep it mind whenever you feel the urge to put a guy up on a pedestal. He’s just a guy (possibly a great one) who’d be honoured to have a chance with you. And beware of any close family/friends who have toxic views on men, just tune them out whenever they feel the need to offer advice! :-)

Karin September 24, 2013 at 15:48

The whole Nice Guy Friendzone complaint thing really irritates me. I find that a lot of guys use this as a cop-out to avoid addressing issues that they need to work on to improve their dateability. And anyway, who wants to be “nice”? It’s such a bland word, something you use to describe things or people when you can’t find anything better to say about them. I prefer kind guys to nice guys!

And a lot of guys who complain about being nice really just need to work on being more assertive. You have to value yourself for others to value you. And a lot of guys use this excuse when the fact is, the girl just isn’t that attracted to you. Being nice to someone doesn’t entitle you to sex or a relationship.

Granted, I am talking about a specific kind of “nice guy” – I don’t know any in real life, mostly I’ve run into them on websites populated by younger people (teens and early 20s).

And I realise that my irritation with this issue has to do with my own limiting beliefs somewhere. I guess I used to be the “nice girl” in some ways, and I had a pretty disastrous love life. But through improving my self-esteem and my beliefs about men, I’ve started seeing better and better guys gravitating into my reality.

Ok, so what I love about men: This is going to sound a bit stereotypical, because I do gravitate towards a certain kind of men – I guess I can be quite drawn to the old-fashioned ideas of chivalry and having a big, strong man to lean on (I blame the over-abundance of water signs in my natal chart, and lack of earth signs – I’m a very impractical romantic daydreamer!). I love that men are fixers. I can handle things on my own, but I swoon a bit when a guy sees me lugging a huge suitcase and offers to carry it up the stairs for me. I love the way that men instinctively feel protective over women and children.

I remember seeing a candid camera program where people were walking underneath a scaffold, and what looked like bricks fell down on them, except the bricks were made of soft material. A guy was walking with his girlfriend, and as soon as the bricks fell, he instinctively covered her head, leaving his own exposed. I was only about 10 when I watched that, but I totally swooned. I may have read too many Mills and Boons when I was young :P

Other things I love about men: Their practicality. Their self-confidence. Their biceps (I loooove biceps!). Their hairy chests. The fact that they are so easy-going. I love how feminine they make me feel, and how our traits complement each other perfectly. I LOVE MEN!!! MEN ARE AWESOME!!
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Karin September 24, 2013 at 15:58

Also, I’d like to add that submissiveness is sometimes mistaken for niceness. There is nothing wrong with being submissive – I’m a bit submissive myself, in that I prefer others to make decisions if I am in a group of people, and most of my close friends tend to have dominant personalities. It’s not that I’m a doormat – I’m just easy-going and I prefer to go with other people’s flows than be the boss. I can be the boss if the situation demands it, but it’s not my natural position to be in. If I do want something a certain way, I am damn stubborn about it though, but otherwise I am very adaptable.

So I tend to be drawn to dominant men. more than a few times this has gotten me into bad relationships, but like I said, now that I’ve worked on my beliefs and self-esteem, I’m finding men who have slightly dominant personalities, but are nonetheless considerate, and not bossy.

I did date a guy a while ago who was great, but he had a submissive personality. It turned into a “what do you want to do?” “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”, rinse and repeat kind of situation. A friend of mine who is quite dominant and prefers to wear the pants in the relationship thought I was crazy for not being totally into him – doubtless she thought I didn’t like him because he was “too nice”. I thought so too at the time, which made me feel guilty, but now I realise it was just a clashing of personalities.
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Awesome Dudette September 25, 2013 at 04:22

Hi Karin,

I’m the awesome dudette from last post lol. I find it awesome that you worked on your beliefs and started attracting better men! That’s what I intend to do! May I ask you what strategies worked for you in changing your beliefs? Thanks =)

Summer September 25, 2013 at 18:26

Hi Awesome Dudette,

I did not have ANY positive male role models growing up, so I just assumed that if you had a man in your life, you had to put up with their crap. And of course, the men I attracted when I started dating reflected that. I am happily married now to a wonderful man who has totally proven me wrong.

It was very, VERY difficult for me to believe that nice guys really existed, so I just stopped thinking about it. It’s hard at first, but something that helped me was staying busy. I started working out, eating healthy and finding hobbies to keep me busy. I stopped thinking about how awful I thought men were and developed a very “neutral” attitude about them and shortly after that, I finally (at the age of 31)got into my first relationship with an actual NICE guy. I couldn’t believe it! THEN my beliefs went from negative to neutral to finally positive!

If it’s too hard to think positively about men at first, try being neutral. Just try to distract yourself when you start thinking bad thoughts about them. Oh and as you do this, start daydreaming about your ideal man and picture yourself with him. It will be hard at first and your daydreams might get interrupted by limiting beliefs. Just keep at it and eventually, your daydreams will go the way you want them to and THEN you are ready to try dating again. But I would stop dating for a while until you are able to clear up your negative beliefs regarding men. At least, this is what worked for me. :)

Good luck Awesome Dudette! Nice guys DO exist and there’s one somewhere waiting just for you! :)

And Karin:
I did the same thing. My first nice guy was submissive and it didn’t work well. We spent many evenings saying “What do you wanna do?” “I don’t know, what do you wanna do?” LOL! My hubby has a good dominant personality. He usually takes the reigns, but he respects me as well.
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Awesome Dudette September 26, 2013 at 01:47

Hi Summer,

I read your post about using LoA to fix your love life, it was very nice!

There’s something I am doing right already: I take good care of myself and have hobbies to keep myself busy, and right now I don’t have any negative male models around to bring me down.

The challenge for me will be dealing with loneliness. It’s been years since I even had a date or a relationship, and I’ve put up with it because I though it was my destiny. But right now it’s beginning to become unbearable, being alone for so much time is not good for your emotional health. Even having hobbies and being busy with life I mostly just feel really sad for having to be so alone, I just wish this would end soon.

So, I don’t need to stop dating when I don’t even know what a date is like anymore…. LOL I kind of “envy” the story you described in your LoA-love post, at least you had relationships while waiting for the guy, I have literally no one at all and it’s wearing me out. I guess before I get the belief that men are nice, I have to erase the belief that nobody wants me and I’ll end up alone.

I’m glad to know that shortly after you changed your outlook on men you found your relationship. I’m entering my late 20s now and I hope a nice guy comes soon enough, after being single in my 20s I really really really don’t want to have to be single in my 30s , I’ll just give up then.

Sarah September 26, 2013 at 08:34

Hi Awesomeness,

I was single (literally man-drought type single) for 4 years after my relationship with the father of my kids ended, it was a very unhappy relationship and I chose to be single for as long as I needed to work through whatever stuff inside me had led me into that situation, rather than mindlessly leap into another reincarnation of that painful relationship. After 4 years of working on myself, and simultaneously writing up my list of my dream guy and dream relationship, I hit a point when I just knew I was ready, I told the Universe “right I’m ready for a relationship start bringing me the men” and within a couple of weeks I had 3 guys to choose from. At that point in time I was a 34 year old obese single mum with 3 kids, but the guy I chose saw the beauty inside me, we have been together for a year and a half now and I have lost over 30kgs, and I am soooo in love and happy (mind you still challenged on a regular basis to work through limiting beliefs I carry about men and relationships and my self worth). If it can happen for me then it can definitely happen for a spring chicken like you. :)

PS my man is approx 98% of the things on my wish list

Awesome Dudette September 26, 2013 at 14:27

Hi Sarah,

It’s been 4 years for me too. Not because I had chosen it, I had a bad break up followed by a couple of months meeting men and failing badly. I did not know much about the LoA and always had friends saying whatever happened was “meant to be”, so I took all that as a sign there wasn’t a guy for me anywhere.

The first 2 years I was too hurt to even think about relationships. In the third year I started feeling better but I stopped myself from wanting cause I did not know if there were men for me out there or if I was good enough. And this year I have finally noticed that everybody gets paired up and that means I can too, there is nothing THAT wrong with me. And I allowed myself to admit I want a relationship again.

The problem is that I bet I couldn’t even get a single guy to even look at me, I know I can have a relationship but I’m still a little stuck on the “There isn’t anyone for me” belief for being single so long.

I’m very happy for your sucess story! Would you mind to talk a bit about how you worked on yourself back then?

Will it have to take another 4 years for me to work on myself and have a relationship too? (I’m not such a young spring chicken, I’m 27 already) I’m ok with not having Prince Charming, I just want something nice and commited so I can settle down.

Thank you for answering me!

Sarah September 27, 2013 at 01:16

Honey, it will take as long as you need it to take.

For me I combined seeing a psychologist/therapist, going to spiritual type groups & conferences (I like hippy kinda stuff), journalling to work through my feelings, challenging myself to do things that scared me & pushed my comfort zone a little, journeying deeply into myself to look honestly at the areas that needed healing, I guess I just believed whole-heartedly that I was worth putting the effort into.

I have some wonderful friends who don’t let me get away with too much self-pity. I decided to speak to myself with the same kindness that I show to other people, that was actually a big turning point for me.

Maybe stop putting so much pressure on yourself and just start being really kind to yourself for a while.

You know you are totally worth it xx

Awesome Dudette September 27, 2013 at 15:11

Oh God, it will take as long as it needs to take, that’s not what I expected to hear.

I really hope it doesn’t have to take more 4 years for me to attract anyone, being lonely for that much time is not healthy no matter how much someone may love themselves. I don’t really have people I can count on, all my so called friends are partnered-up and don’t have time for me. And I don’t want to attract ANY more partnered-up people into my life while I’m single, but I don’t see any single people anywhere to be friends with.

So, I guess it’s not work someone can do by themselves? I guess I’ll have to look into alternative therapy options…. Sigh

I don’t think I’m putting pressure on myself, I’m just disheartened from seeing unchanging bad conditions for so so long. I deserve better than this crap lol. I believe I am worth this too. I was told it doesn’t have to take forever or be sufferable and I want to believe that.

Thank you for answering me again =)

Summer September 27, 2013 at 16:52

Hey AD,

Eh, I wouldn’t “envy” the dating I was doing. They were all jerks who treated me like crap. It’s WAAAAAY better to be alone than to deal with that. Lazy dudes who wouldn’t work (while I worked and they spent MY money), mental abuse, drug use (all the time, not just recreational). I used to be a real loser magnet. I didn’t want to “drag down” the energy of my blog, so I left out A LOT of nasty details about my previous dating life. I try not to think about it anymore. LOL! But being alone (vs. mistreatment) is better, trust me.

A lot of it is timing too. Sometimes I wish my hubby and I had hooked up sooner. We’ve known each other since we were little kids. But due to the fact that he and I both had major anger issues as young adults, I think if we had gotten togehter earlier we would have killed each other. LOL!

And don’t give up just because you reach your 30′s and are still single. Hubby and I just got married this year and I just turned 35. If you had told me a few years ago I’d be married in 2013, I would have laughed at you. I just did NOT see that happening any time soon. So you never know what will happen.

Plus, look at it this way, as you grow older you evolve. What you want now, may not be what you want 5, 10, 15 years from now. It might take more time, but if you find someone who matches you and evolves with you it is TOTALLY worth the wait! :)

Awesome Dudette September 27, 2013 at 17:27

Hi Summer,

Speaking from my perspective I can say being lonely is no better, you feel like everyone can be paired up but you and there is nothing you can do about it. It sucks, at this point I would gladly take a bad guy, but I can’t even get a bad one.

Wow, yours is the second message today implying it may take a long time untill anyone comes and that I’ll probably won’t be able to come out of singledom until after my 30′s.. Sigh

Do you think it’s the universe trying to tell me I’ll have no choice but to spend the rest of my 20′s like this and wait years and years till anyone comes? I’m scared that it is, and that’s very discouraging…

Melody says in her posts a person can have relationships along the way until prince charming comes, did I understand her wrong? A relationship (any) can really only appear in my life after I’m crazy happy positive with perfect self-esteem and 0 negative beliefs? None of the people I know are even close to that, in fact they are just like me, but they can find relationships like normal people and only I can’t. I gets hard not to believe I have bad karma at this point. Ugh.

Jhamal September 24, 2013 at 16:32

Women are awesome. They are soft and they smell like fruit baskets. They are inspiring and endearing. Everything about them is gracious and appealing. Even when they are mad they are cute. Don’t tell them I said that, I’ll get in trouble. They know how to open the deepest recesses and most vulnerable areas of our hearts and minds. And with the gentlest of hands make it ok. Did I mention the whole soft and fruit basket thing?

Moonsparkle October 10, 2013 at 17:31

“They know how to open the deepest recesses and most vulnerable areas of our hearts and minds. And with the gentlest of hands make it ok. Did I mention the whole soft and fruit basket thing?” I like that, lol about the fruit basket! :)
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John Lewis September 24, 2013 at 17:34

Melody , so glad you posted this and to Awesome Dudette who asked the question – You’re a doll. My Father taught me to be a Gentleman when it came to women , he was a true Gentleman from the old school and all the ladies loved him , he has been gone now 20 years but whenever I happen to run across his old aquaintances , men & women , they still comment on how he was a true Gentleman , which I will admit still brings a tear to my eye for the pride I felt for him. You see my Dad grew up in an era when women knew they were women and men knew they were men , women didn’t try to be manly and men didn’t show their feminine sides (emotions) that was the society of his days , it was not perfect in any sense of the word but people knew there place in that society , they knew who they were and as such played there parts in it , today however we live in a different society where I feel one finds it extremely hard to know exactly who they are , women now play a lot of sports that were once dominated by men , in careers etc and at the same time many men are now in once female dominated areas , sports , raising children etc – now don’t get me wrong , in a lot of ways I think it’s great , in a lot of ways it gives each other a chance to see and experience what’s on the other side of the fence , men learn just what a mother puts up with raising children (which by the way is to me as a guy one of the hardest and at the same time one of the most satisfying jobs around) and women learn what it’s like to part of a dog eat dog mans world where it’s the survival of the fittest. Sometimes I wish we could turn the clock back 60 years when things seemed simpler to live with and understand but then when I see my motor mechanic who happens to be a hot blond covered in grease it just sorta makes me want to get my car serviced more often than it should. As far as women preferring jerks/douchebags over nice guys I still have a lot of faith in the nice guys over the jerks “IF” the nice guys can learn that deep down women love nice guys who can remember that they are men to start with and nice guys second , in other words you need to show the women that you have the confidence to be her leader , to make the hard decisions , to control the situation without losing control of yourself , to provide her with the safety and security she seeks from you as her man while at the same time not becoming so hard nosed that you forget to laugh , have fun and be the prince that treats his princess with the respect she deserves , open the car door for her , bye her flowers for no reason and if she suspiciously(did I spell that right or not – who cares , I don’t) asks why you did that tell her the truth – you love her that’s why you did it. Anyway like it or not I have said my peace , take care all.

Eve September 24, 2013 at 20:38

“like it or not I have said my peace” – I love it!

Patrick September 24, 2013 at 18:43

Just wanted to share more thoughts: I used to believe good guys were victims, chicks would only go for d-bags and I would use that to alibi my loneliness. Truth is, from how I’ve learned, we are attracted to our mirror images. Like attracts like. I feel like the loneliness pushes us into relationships with that d-bag because we feel like something is better than nothing. Anyone can be in a relationship, but few encompass the patience to find a partner more prepared for a responsible relationship. I am single now because I choose to be, while I continue to develop myself into the best partner possible. I’m a super nice guy, handsome as hell :) and am patiently prepared for my wife and I to honeymoon in Paris. To the guys, being a good guy is okay. Believe me, a woman would much rather be with a nice guy who treats her with respect and kindness than an asshole. And, guys, when we use our charm, wit and humor to capture her heart, it isn’t fair to turn into an dick later. She fell for your first impression. The guy who held the car door open, was thoughtful to her needs … Treat her everyday like you did when you were first trying to get into her pants; do this, she’ll never leave you :)

AAmanda September 24, 2013 at 23:00

That tantalizing little trail of hair that begins at a man’s belly-button and continues south. Ok, so perhaps that is a little shallow, but it is what I thought of first at had when I read Melody’s challenge to discuss what we love about the opposite sex.

I love the contrasts. The deep timbre of man’s voice is comforting and pleasing to my ears and draws me into them. I love them when they show unabashed enthusiasm like a little boy over something that interests them (especially if it is me, lol). The precision and pride they take in preparing a meal (the men I attract all are excellent cooks for some reason). Their little rituals like creating a little space for there keys, wallet and phone. Their decisiveness and directness when I am confused or floundering.

Effort- I love to see a man’s effort, the outcome isn’t as important. When he does things just to please me such as trying to talk about how he feels rather than what he thinks. The more uncomfortable he is doing so the more endearing he is to me. This is something sadistic, I just know he is trying to give that intimate connection I crave and appreciate it. I love to see the prideful grin on a man’s face when he gives me something like flowers or perfume, like he pleased with himself also for being so thoughtful.

I love men’s hands. They fire my imagination. I love great manners, gentlemanly gestures, and I relish a man that orders for me at a restaurant that I have never been to before. I love men’s sense of calmness when things are chaotic. I love that they appreciate what comes so easily to most women such as appreciation, softness and warmth.

I could just go on and on. I love men. Yes I have had my share of bad boys, but they were just there to provide contrast. I have no interest in immature, selfish, broken boys anymore. I prefer responsible, reliable, fun, interesting, open, big hairy men now.

Awesome Dudette September 25, 2013 at 04:29

Interesting to see the other side of the fence when it comes to bad beliefs about the opposite sex!

It makes my angry questioning about men from the last post seem less crazy lol.

I wish all these nice men out there are able to attract nice women into their lives!

As seen on the last post I’m an Awesome Dudette who’s still invisible to men because of her own beliefs. I can’t wait to make that change and be able to be seen as a viable option by nice guys =)

Awesome Dudette September 25, 2013 at 04:36

I forgot to mention, this phrase raised a major red flag in my head: “If the women who are always leaving you are getting better and better, that simply means you’re upgrading.”

Does this mean that when I finally start having a relationship again I may have to put up with being dumped because of my own change of beliefs making me not a match to the guy anymore?

That is a little disheartening and scary, I don’t think my little heart can take being dumped again, after so much time being single =(

SK September 25, 2013 at 08:53

the altitude of your head determine your horizon (what you can see)
the altitude of your emotions determine your attitude.

think of it as travelling in an elevator.
you are at a particular level right now. You can only see and have access to those man who are on the same level as you.
once you evolved too high for that level, you have to
1. level up
2. sometime, your men can keep up, some time they dont.
3. you will have access to a new group of men

Same thing would happen if you descended too low for that level, you will have to go to the next level down.

It’s a combination of your heart and mind that determine where you are. It’s an inside job.
The men have nothing to do with it.

Awesome Dudette September 25, 2013 at 14:47

I understand, the more I evolve the better men I’ll have access to.

Nothing to do with the men themlselves, they just reflect my inner world changes.

It just seem disheartening that when I finally come out of the forever alone stage, my love life may not be stable due to my own evolution.

If I keep getting dumped, even if only due to my own inner changes, I’ll still be seen as the pitiful one who cannot have something lasting. (Right now I’m seen as the pitiful one who can’t find someone and will end up alone)

To be quite honest I’d already be glad to find Mr. Nice Enough so I can settle down already. I don’t want the Prince if it will take that much pain and uncertainty to find him.

Thank you for taking your time to answer me =)

Marie September 25, 2013 at 13:57

Twenty years ago, I let go of a beautiful Danish guy, who actually asked me why I would not allow him to love me. The reason for me letting go of him was because I thought him too good to be true. For most of my life I seem to be attracting nothing but shitty guys and this guy was everything my heart desired. I believe my subconscious mind told me I did not deserve to be treated with love, which stems from my youth. It has taken years for me to change. There are some awesome and beautiful men out there. We women have just got to stop putting all men into the same bag.

Tzu September 25, 2013 at 15:42

“Do you have the patience to wait
for the mud to settle, for the water to be clear.
Do you have the patience to stop.
til the right action arises by itself.

Do you have the courage to stop drinking
from the river of love
but instead to jump in, and become one with it.
Love is not about a human experiencing divinity.
It’s about divinity having a human experience.”

Is it possible to be happy just by yourself, for no reason?
Yes definitely.

Don September 25, 2013 at 23:40

I find this a thoughtful and well constructed article. Most of the posts were equally relevant. Thanks for approaching the subject.

Sarah September 26, 2013 at 07:39

I love the strength and directness that my man brings to every situation (with the exception of my hyper-emotional melt down moments during which he reverts to stunned deer in the head lights mode), I love it when he tells me I’m being stroppy when I start to get a bit carried away with a rant, it instantly makes me laugh, I love it when he grabs me and lets me know without having to say anything that I am his woman. I love his strong hands and broad shoulders and bald head, I love his rationality, I love his sense of responsibility and loyalty. I love his sense of humour and that he laughs at my jokes.
Also I learnt when I had 2 boys of my own that in order to really love them I needed to make peace with all men in general, I couldn’t hold nasty thoughts about men at the same time as loving my 2 boys, it just didn’t work. So now I see in every man the beautiful little boy inside him, the little boy who loves cars and and animals and dirt and being rough and tumble, I see the way little boys love their mums completely whole-heartedly and with unquestioning devotion.

Men are awesome :)

Nuitetoilee September 26, 2013 at 21:59

I never in my life would choose a jerk over a nice guy, wouldn’t choose a jerk no matter what. Never been attracted to ‘bad boys’. The only reason I ever was involved (and very shortly) with someone who could be called a bad boy was because they weren’t like that at first (and as soon as any jerkiness appeared I walked away), and because I was young, inexperienced, naive and idealistic, and even if there were any red flags I missed them due to the aforementioned qualities. Those who considered themselves nice guys were just really passive, and either never made a move or if they did were still very lukewarm, insecure, weak, and unattractive because of that. Any man who makes me feel like I’m more of a man and more courageous and stronger than they are is unattractive to me. They just weren’t masculine to me (and masculine doesn’t mean being controlling, aggressive and douchy in any way).

Couple of times I made the first move when I noticed someone who seemed nice interested in me, but it really doesn’t feel natural for me to do that and I ended up feeling more manly than they are and like I had to carry they whole thing and be responsible for it and they were the passive recipient, kept waiting for me to make it all happen, invest most of the energy, do all the work. Maybe passive, introverted guys that I was coming across work for some extroverted girls, but not for me.

And most of the guys who turned out to be jerky were the ones making the first move and being the man in a relationship, and I felt like a woman, so this is why I was with them at all. And no truly nice guy will even think of women as ‘stupid bitches’ etc just because they choose someone else over him. Nice person will see other people regardless of gender as equals and respect their choices, their right to them, and not judge. Everyone’s here for their own lessons and experiences, everyone is a center of their own universe, no one is here to be someone’s ‘meal’, to be used, controlled, and serve as someone’s ego boost. Nice guy is the one who respects a woman as much as he respects another man, his right to make his own choices.

Bottom line is, nothing is personal, a woman choosing another man is not personal, it’s about her perception, path, lessons and experience. A ‘nice’ guy who will call her names and look down on her for choosing another man or another type of man, or anything at all that’s not him, is to be avoided as well. So called nice ones tend to be passive aggressive, petty and vindictive too, from what i noticed. Won’t say anything to your face and will avoid you, but will talk shit about you behind your back to anyone who’ll listen, post on FB, complaining, moaning, gossiping and acting like a victim. Men should really think of what niceness towards women means and how it comes across. No one who whines, ‘nice guys finish last’ or expects some reward for not being an outright douche, aka nice in their opinion, is a nice guy.

Truly nice ones are decent, honorable, respectful, trustworthy, caring, honest, self-responsible, emotionally mature, secure people, who don’t play mind games, don’t have victim mentality, don’t compare themselves to others and don’t feel owed something for being ‘nice’. I do have someone like that in my life, so they do exist. Who he is, his niceness shows by his actions and behavior, his consistency. There’s no expectation to get something in return for his being a good person, good to me. He enjoys is, enjoys being good and doing good. Love/giving is it’s own reward, the one who loves gets more out of it than the object of love. So ‘nice’ men who feel they are not getting their due should consider giving/being nice/doing good without expecting anything in return. Ultimately everything everyone does they do for themselves, we are all one.

Alexis Marlons September 27, 2013 at 14:58

I don’t really like to date jerks, but neither nice guys. Super nice guys seem too good to be true and I guess being with them, you can hardly show your good and bad side.

Danica September 30, 2013 at 03:21

Thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts on this matter. Men should be acquainted on the different methods on how to get the attention of their girl. Guys can consider on getting the The Tao of Badass PDF for guidelines on this matter.

goodraineyes October 8, 2013 at 21:42

Oh, I have so much love and appreciation for men. I’ve had my share of bad relationships, but my choices were absolutely and totally about me and my own insecurities and not about a lack of good guys. After a particularly destructive breakup, I went through a really dark period of limiting beliefs about men, and then something amazing happened. I got a job at a software company that was FILLED with incredible, kind, funny, lovely men. I became friends with a lot of them, and they showed me over and over again (in a non-threatening way because most of them were already in committed relationships) that good guys not only exist, but they’re kind and generous and loving and protective and sexy and awesome. One of those men literally saved me when I was so down about relationships that I was contemplating suicide. He listened to me, loved me and supported me unconditionally. He was my angel at that time. Who else? My dad, one of the most genuine, gentle, stable, handy and supportive men I’ve ever known. My brother, who is good at everything he does, responsible, and a fabulous husband and father to two boys who I’m sure will also grow up to be great men. My first boyfriend, a silly, crazily talented artist who was also strong and tall and very sexy, very kind, and had the most amazing green eyes I’ve ever seen. Another ex who is now like a brother to me and has helped me move with his truck almost every single time I’ve moved (I move a lot), and also makes me laugh so much I actually feel physically drunk on laughter. Men, you rock! You’re funny and laid back and caring and protective and capable and full of knowledge and always introducing me to new movies, music, experiences, and interests. You’re just brimming with love and curiosity and intelligence and kindness, and I’m so grateful for you. You have enriched my life and made it worlds better.

SK October 18, 2013 at 04:34

“Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren’t any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.”
? Carroll Bryant

Dee Bockler October 22, 2013 at 07:35

When I was young, my attraction was almost always in favor of the rock and roll guys, usually those that played in bands. They were the cool dudes but never ever faithful or considerate in any way. Apparently as I got older, my vibration increased and I started to attract and be attracted by a different sort of man (Thank God!) I am married to a super great guy. He is tall, dark and handsome, but the main quality that he has that I could not resist was his sense of humor! 34 years later we are still laughing and having a great time together!

Sebastian October 26, 2013 at 05:22

It’s not that women like jerks. Women like guys with balls. Unfortunately most nice guys don’t have balls. And this is a turn off. Women don’t like jerks. Women like guys with confidence. Simple as that.
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Eric November 15, 2013 at 02:33

NICE WOMEN DO EXIST They do. Sometimes You need to wait a few months or more between GF’s to meet another girl.
Thank you LOA. This article is confirmation of my theory that “nice guys” aren’t lacking confidence, they have better things to do than deal with women who don’t know what they want & have contradictory feelings. As luck would have it, there are jerks out there who occupy these loonies & play their idiotic playground games so we can meet nice girls (nice girls do exist). Often it’s a dual manipulation, “jerks” lay on the BS thick, & the loonies believe what are obviously lies. They deserve each other.

“Jerks” also are the choice of women who are looking for a man to do what she wants. Nice guys have work & real stuff to do, they wont be your yes man. “Jerks” wont either but they act as if they are this person to that type of woman believes the lies. Perfect.

Nice guys often do have confidence, they just don’t feel the need to parade around in front of everyone, or at least all these women who are influenced by trash TV. We got businesses to run & fun things to go do like vacations without complaining & having friends over (inside the house). So when you start the yes-no crap we just don’t have time.

Whats that you say? Nice girls often are a couple points below the hot ones? True in looks, but somewhere in their 30′s hot women usually lose their looks & what you have is … (hint: these has-beens often have a delayed realization of how they look) LOL Thank god you didn’t waste any of your time with one of these.

Fred Tracy December 15, 2013 at 01:17

I find this subject intriguing! I used to be quite a nice guy, and I experienced some of the problems you are talking about here. I’m not a huge jerk now or anything, but I am very confident in my own reality. I think that’s what women prefer – someone who is very confident, and who isn’t afraid to say what he thinks. There is a happy balance out there between psychotic guy and pushover guy.

Also, so glad to read your articles again! :)

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