Ooopsy! I my enthusiasm, I seem to have published this post a day earlier. Apparently someone out there couldn’t wait until Thursday… You’re welcome.
In a comment section of my last blog post, reader Awesome KP asked the following question: “Regarding your experience with your Master Minds… What do you feel is the line between being insecure and being considerate? If you’re really droning on and on and feeling all self-important about the subject you chose, isn’t there something to be said for being aware that maybe other people aren’t digging it? Just a thought.”
For those of you who haven’t read that post (for SHAME!), what KP was referring to was my description of how my insecurity about taking up too much time talking about my own issues had caused a fellow member of my Master Mind group to become aware of how long I’d been talking, which in turn, validated my insecurity. Although I had added this insight to help me flesh out the point I was making in that post, this topic does deserve to be explored further in its own right, and Awesome KP’s question has given me the perfect opportunity to do that.
If we all become Happy Shiny Puppies and just prance around all day without a care in the world, aren’t we at danger of becoming horrifically arrogant, inconsiderate bores? I may want to dance across the street naked right now, but shouldn’t I also maybe keep an eye out for traffic? Perhaps if I really just expect all the cars to stop, they will. Should I just expect everyone in the world to cater to my every whim? Is that what the Law of Attraction teaches? Here’s a clue: Does the idea of annoying the crap out of everyone you meet, even if you’re totally oblivious to it, make you feel good? No? I didn’t think so. So, obviously, that’s not the answer we’re seeking here. But what is?
It’s not about them. It never was and it never will be
Here’s the thing: It’s not about them. You can’t control what others choose to be annoyed by. Oh my Gawd, this one’s hard to hear. I’ve been struggling with this one myself, in various ways, my entire life. Sure, in theory it sounds great, but what about in practice? What other people think of us is not within our control, it’s irrelevant. Ok, we get that. Sort of. But still, no one likes the idea of being THAT person, the one that everyone else has to tolerate, like that guy with raging B.O. on the subway, smiling away, unaware that he’s waging biological warfare on all those around him. None of us likes the idea of inconveniencing others, just as we don’t like it when others seemingly infringe on our space with their demands, noise levels or neglected hygiene. How do we find that middle ground? By finding the core false belief that’s at the heart of this question. And to do that, we have to take a little detour.
What exactly is self-improvement?
Yeah, I know. You didn’t see that one coming. Don’t worry, I’m not going to dredge up the history or dictionary definitions of personal development. And, because this is a Bullshit free zone, I’m going to cut right to the chase:
Most people think that self-improvement comes from digging around in one’s own psyche, looking for stuff that needs improving or fixing, so we can then correct this “error”, become “better”, therefore garnering a more positive response from those around us, and finally allowing us to be happier. The problem with this approach is twofold:
- It’s all about focusing on the negative. When we look for what’s wrong, we’ll find it. Every. Freaking. Time. So, when we approach ourselves with the expectation of finding stuff to fix, from the point of view that there is a bunch of stuff “wrong” with us, we’ll find it, therefore underscoring our belief that we’re broken in some way.
- It’s an approach totally motivated by fear. It’s about what others think of us, how they perceive us, how we fit in with them. Our “success” is determined by their reactions. When we make it about them instead of us, when we make it all about actions and outside perceptions, we give all our power away.
The Universe will always prove us right
Because the Law of Attraction can only react to our vibration, it must mirror this powerlessness back to us. Our environment becomes filled with people who disapprove of us, no matter what we do. We can’t twist ourselves into enough knots, do enough for them, become “good” enough people, sacrifice enough, improve ourselves enough to ever make them happy. The LOA will make sure of it. Because it’s not about changing ourselves to suit them. And it never freaking will be. Self-growth isn’t about becoming the perfect human being, one that no one will find objectionable. It’s not about conforming, pleasing them, or making them happy. It’s not about blending in. The ultimate goal is not to NOT BOTHER ANYBODY. But it’s also not about pissing people off or getting in their way. It’s not about them in any way shape or form.
True self-Improvement is about fully aligning with Who You Really Are, so that others can mirror that back to you. Because here’s the thing:
Each and every interaction you have with others, that you are aware of, is only there to mirror back your vibration to you. The fear is not that someone might be offended by you without your knowledge. You have absolutely no control over that, and let’s face it, loads of things happen every day without you being aware of them. If you started worrying about all of that crap, you’d never get done. The fear is that you’ll be oblivious to their offense for a while, but will then become aware of it and will have to deal with it. The fear is that you’ll feel like an ass. The fear is that you’ll become aware of having caused them to feel bad, will feel responsible for their negative emotions, causing you to feel bad, as well. Yes, it’s a twisty little bugger.
Their offense, if you become aware of it, is only there to help you become aware of your own insecurity, and not to show you that you’re offensive or boring or whatever. There are always going to be people in this world who think you’re boring, or offensive, or uninteresting. The question is, why the hell would you attract those people instead of the ones (and these people also always exist) that think you’re fascinating and funny and fabulous? In other words, there are people out there who will perceive you negatively and there are people who will perceive you positively. You cannot control how they perceive you, but you can control whom you meet up with.
The big insight
So, here’s the answer you’ve been looking for: When you are truly and fully aligned, when you are being completely YOURSELF, totally authentic, when you’re in the flow, when you are only focused on feeling good and you let go of all insecurities about how you might be affecting others, when you let go of any need for them to react in certain ways so that you can feel good, when you cut them and their reactions completely out of the process and make it all about you, being YOU, fully in the Zone, fully in the NOW, with total confidence that everything is always working out in your favor, that if something feels good it’s part of a win/win scenario, when you believe in the perfection of the Universe and you TRUST it, then you cannot attract people into your reality that mirror anything but that back to you. You cannot attract those who will be annoyed or angered or inconvenienced by you. The haters won’t be able to find you. Your timing will be perfect. You won’t get in people’s way, just as they won’t get in yours. You won’t inconvenience them, just as they won’t inconvenience you. You won’t annoy them, just as they won’t annoy you.
When you are not fully aligned, you attract people that “cause” you to have negative reactions. Really, they’re just mirroring back the feelings within you that are already there, but which you weren’t fully aware of. That’s precisely why you attract them. But the people whom you’re attracting aren’t fully aligned, either. If you’re worried about offending others, you will attract those who are ready to be offended. Your fear will draw them right to you, just as their fears will draw you to them. Your worry about offending them will trigger their offense, which in turn, will validate your fear. “You see? They are offended. I was right to be worried!”, you insist. But they weren’t offended by you, they were offended by their own beliefs, by their own perspective. The fact that they chose to be offended was not within your control, but whether or not you’re the one who offended them (or rather, whether or not they become offended in your presence), is.
When you’re aligned, fully aligned, you no longer fear what others think of you. You appreciate them, but you don’t need their validation. People cannot prove to you that your insecurities are justified if you no longer have any. If you truly understand your own value, then the people around you will mirror that value back to you, NOT question whether or not you have any. On that evening with my Master Mind group, it was my moment of insecurity that caused my friend to react to it in a way that seemed to validate my fear. But when we talked about it, it came to light that as long as I was feeling totally in the flow, the entire group was feeling tremendous benefit from what I was saying. Even though I was talking about my own shit, they were having epiphanies and aha moments of their own. One member admitted that for a few minutes, she had felt her ego rise up and demand that she get equal time that night (which she did receive once she found her balance again), but that she was completely aware of the fact that this was her own crap. What’s more, I wasn’t at all aware of this little blip in her vibration until she told me, and by then it was part of my healing.
Can any of us ever guarantee that something we say or do won’t ever hurt or inconvenience or offend or annoy anyone? Nope. That’s not possible. But we can control whether or not they are having these reactions in our presence, or in a way that we are aware of. For example, loads of people are offended by stuff I write and how I write it. People unsubscribe from my list every day because they don’t like my dirty, dirty potty mouth. That’s their business. For a little while, I was getting emails from these people, some rude and some “helpful”, letting me know that it wasn’t so much what I said, but how I chose to say it, that had caused them offense. Some people even became enraged, angry with me for “withholding” my valuable information from them by presenting it in a way they didn’t agree with. I realized that I cared a bit too much about what people thought, understandable given that my business is dependent on an audience liking me and my work, but still not helpful. Once I realized that if someone didn’t like style, that my work wasn’t for them, I released this belief and the letters stopped coming. Now, if I get an email like that, which is very, very rare, it doesn’t affect me anymore. Sometimes, I think the Universe sends me one here and there just to remind me how good it feels not to care about the uncontrollable anymore.
If I’m fully connected, in the flow, I will not walk up to someone and start yapping at them about LOA if they have no interest in it. My intuition will make that option feel bad, and if I’m in the flow, I won’t do anything that feels bad. I’ll be drawn to the one person in the room I can have that kind of conversation with, or I’ll be inspired to talk about something else entirely, something that will allow us to have a conversation that feels the way I want it to: awesome. I won’t drone on and on about something only to become aware of how long I’ve been talking; I’ll be inspired to talk only to those who will get benefit from what I’m talking about, and do it in a way that also benefits me.
Or, to put it even more succinctly: If you are annoying people, you are insecure about how others perceive you and your own value. If you pretend not to care what others think, your true vibration is still going to get mirrored back, and you’re still going to annoy people. You can’t lie to the Universe, people. But if you truly don’t care what others think, if you make their opinions and reactions irrelevant, and you focus on feeling really, really good, then those who would be annoyed by you won’t be able to make it into your reality. They’ll still exist, you just won’t be aware of them. Those helpful souls will meet up with others who are still insecure, and will mirror their (insecure) limiting beliefs back to them with their offense, so they (the insecure) can become aware of their beliefs and release them. Doesn’t the perfection of it all just blow your little mind? Hell yes it does.