Dear LOA: Why Do People Cheat?

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by Melody Fletcher on July 11, 2013

 

Awesome Trish asks: “Why do people cheat? Even the respectable kind? Why would you cheat on someone you immensely love, and not just for cheap thrills? Why do we stray? And is confessing about this something that we do to clear our conscience at the cost of our partner’s? What if one such episode causes you to break-up with someone you’ve believed is your soul-mate for life? How does one deal with that nagging urge to go back in time and 1. Not cheat at all; 2. even if you did stray, just don’t tell your partner about it cuz God knows, your relationship is over for good and you will never have another chance at it. The regret is undying, even if you’ve forgiven yourself for whatever happened.”

Dear Awesome Trish,

I’ve written a post for those who have been cheated on, but I suppose it’s about time I addressed the other side. The answer to your question is a rather complicated one. There is no one reason that people cheat, just as there’s no one reason that people do anything. Some people eat chocolate cake because they’re hungry, others because they feel lonely, still others because they’re punishing themselves for being “bad”. All action is simply a manifestation of that individual’s energy – a result of that particular moment, trigger, belief system, etc. The same action performed by the same person can even be representative of different things depending on the situation. So, I’m afraid that this explanation is going to have to be quite general. What is the big picture, underlying reason that would drive otherwise nice people do something as horrendous as cheat on their partner?

Is it “wrong” to cheat?

Before we look at why someone might cheat, we have to first clear something up: It’s not wrong to cheat. I know, I know, some of you are going to want to yell at me now. Hold your pitchforks for just a second and let me explain. You see, there really is no such thing as right or wrong. The Universe/Who You Really Are doesn’t see things that way. And so when you do, when you judge things as inherently good or evil, you end up tying yourself in unnecessary knots. The second you declare that something is wrong, you shut down your ability to see any worth in it. All situations, no matter how they might seem, carry a potential gift. Even painful situations are there to show you something. But you have to be willing to see it, you have to be open to receiving the gift. Declaring something to be bad or evil or wrong inhibits your ability to do that.

Instead of seeing things as right or wrong, see them as wanted and unwanted, remembering that you don’t get to declare things as universally wanted or unwanted. You can simply state your own preference. For the sake of this blog post, I’m going to assume that to you, cheating is an unwanted activity. But why? You might think that’s a stupid question, but have you ever taken the time to dissect why you find cheating so reprehensible? It’s well worth doing, especially if you have a pattern of manifesting cheating into your reality.

Forgive yourself to move forward

Since I already covered the side of the cheatee in another post, I’m going to address this question from the point of view of the cheater. Why is what you did so horrible? You might be thinking “because I hurt someone I love.” Only, you can’t hurt someone else. Not really. Their pain is their responsibility and part of their manifestation. You cannot make yourself responsible for it. This may sound like I’m letting you off the hook (and, in a way, I am), but that doesn’t mean that your work is over. I’m not saying, “Go out and cheat as much as you can because there’s nothing wrong with it. Lie to your loved ones all you want.” Nothing could be further from the truth.

What I am saying is this: as long as you keep beating up on yourself and judging the actions you took as inherently wrong, you can’t move forward. You can’t shift any energy. You’ll just be stuck. If you want to feel better and get to the heart of what’s really going on, if you want to become a match to the wonderful, healthy, authentic relationship you want to have, you’re going to have to be willing to let go of the idea that you’re just a bad person who did a bad thing. The truth is far more complex than that.

You did something that, from your NOW perspective, you wish you hadn’t done. The key phrase here is: “from your NOW perspective”. You see, no one ever does anything without having a good reason. You may not know what that reason was right now, but you can be sure that if you took some kind of action, you had a reason for it, and at the time, that reason seemed perfectly valid to some part of you. The fact is that at the time, cheating was the best feeling option you had access to. Just because you now realize that perhaps it wasn’t, that there were other options, doesn’t make you a bad person. You were doing the best you could.

The Band Aid Response

For many people, cheating on someone they love, is part of their fight or flight response. They’re in a situation which is painful for them in some way. Perhaps they’re with a person they truly love and cherish, but they have beliefs that they’re not worthy of such love, which creates an enormous amount of discord in their vibration. The love they’re experiencing won’t match their belief, creating an enormous amount of stress and pressure. When enough pressure builds up, the reptilian brain takes over and the fight or flight mechanism kicks in. Something has to be done to break the tension and when that something occurs as a result of the pressure blowing up, the results are almost always going to be destructive. The person does something that they don’t really want to do, but which, at that precise moment, allows them to feel relief. Think of a drug addict who doesn’t want to be addicted, but can’t help himself from shooting up. In that moment, the heroin brings relief, although in the big picture, it’s actually wreaking havoc in his life. Or the overweight woman who desperately wants to lose weight, but after having a fight with her mother, finds herself mindlessly scarfing ice cream. In that moment, she is able to feel a bit better, even though she’ll ultimately feel even worse for having eaten that many calories.

The act of cheating is generally a band aid solution, something designed to temporarily relieve the pain, but which ultimately doesn’t “cure” the underlying disease. It can, in fact, make things worse. If you have a tumor in your leg and you put a band aid on the spot, you haven’t cured the tumor. And, by ignoring it, you’re simply allowing it to fester and get worse. Band aid solutions aren’t always destructive, of course. But the ones occurring within the context of a fight or flight response, i.e. when you bring pressure and desperation into the mix, generally lead to an almighty shitstorm.

Does that mean that when you cheated, you couldn’t really help yourself? Well, yes, kind of. When you allow a situation that’s really not serving you to get so out of hand that your survival instincts take over, then yes, you could argue that you couldn’t help yourself. Only, you’re the one who let it get that far. Exploring why you would do that is the real work. Cheating is not the disease. It’s a symptom. Don’t make the mistake of focusing all your attention on the symptom, which is what you’re doing when you judge the cheating as wrong, while ignoring the real, underlying cause.

There’s a reason you cheated

This is always true, in every case. No one does anything for no reason. In fact, no one does anything for any other reason than to feel better. If you slept with someone else, it was because in that moment, it felt better to you than whatever you believed the alternative options to be.

That reason, however, is yours. No one drove you to cheat. No one forced you to do it. No one forced you to keep yourself in a situation that was clearly abhorrent to you, causing you to build up so much pressure that you turned into the equivalent of a wild, wounded, flailing animal. This is your shit and you have to own it. Don’t blame yourself – that doesn’t help at all. But if you want to resolve why you cheated and move towards what you want, then you will have to take responsibility for your actions. And I’m not talking about the cheating – that’s secondary. I’m talking about the actions that made the cheating necessary.

Questions to ask yourself

As I said, the specific reason why someone might cheat are too varied for me to dissect here. But in general terms, you cheated because there was something wrong, something you were ignoring. Your partner got cheated on because there was something wrong, something they were ignoring. The event of the cheating was a wakeup call for both of you. But how can you figure out what that something was?

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself:

  • How does your current relationship differ from your ideal relationship? – this is an exercise well worth exploring. A lot of people think they have to settle for something far less than what they truly want. They then pretend that they’re ok with this (this is called denial), out of fear of losing the partner they have. What they’re failing to take into account is that they can attract to them everything they want, without sacrificing anything. You don’t have to give up love to get more authentic love. But you do have to trust that you CAN have the love you want. If you’ve been trying to tell yourself that you’ve received enough, that it’s not ok to desire more, create more, reach for more, then you’re denying your own nature. And yes, this can lead to big, explosive band aid behavior like cheating.
  • What have you not been saying to each other? -  Has something been bothering you? Have you been wanting to ask for something, but haven’t dared? What have you been silent about for far too long?
  • Are you afraid of your partner? -  do you walk on eggshells, out of fear that your partner will leave you? Are you keeping yourself small, putting your own desires on the back burner, sacrificing Who You Really Are in a misguided attempt to make them happy?
  • Are you having authentic conversations with each other? – are you able to discuss your fears, talk through your feelings, tell each other what you really want, what scares you, what triggers you? Or are you keeping secrets from each other?

Sit with these questions for a bit. Yes, they may be very painful and awkward, but that’s the point. There’s something REALLY painful in your life that you’ve been ignoring. If you want to avoid being driven to cheat again (by yourself), you’ll need to be honest with yourself and your mate.

Cheating as a mirror

Since all action is a manifestation, and all manifestations are perfect, the act of cheating (and being cheated on) is also a perfect mirror to what’s really going on. Most people are so insecure in their ability to attract love into their lives, that when they find some, they do everything possible not to lose it. They lie to themselves, sacrifice too much, twist themselves in knots, keep secrets from their partners (to protect them), do whatever they can to avoid a fight and therefore any kind of serious discussion, and create a kind of fake, inauthentic, make believe, cardboard cutout relationship. In a sense, they’re pretending to be someone else, someone their partner will hopefully find appealing and pleasing enough not to leave. What’s worse is that usually, both partners are playing that game. This is pretty much a recipe for doom.

Now, let’s say that you have this fear of being left by your partner. And let’s say that this fear and others have been festering and you need to blow the relief valve. What manifestation would more perfectly mirror back to you this fear, but cheating? Doesn’t it pretty much guarantee that your fear will come to fruition? Isn’t that just the perfect way to sabotage your relationship?

What do you do if you’ve cheated?

Ok, so you’ve cheated. Now what? Do you tell your partner? And, if you do so, aren’t you just spreading the pain around? Wouldn’t it be better just to keep this to yourself and leave them in their blissful ignorance?

Let me give you some harsh but necessary truths here:

If your relationship is such that it has led to cheating, then guess what? That ignorance ain’t all that blissful. You didn’t ruin a perfect relationship with your cheating. Your relationship was far from perfect if it led to cheating. Remember the cheating is a symptom, not the underlying disease. The fact that you think your relationship was perfect is a sign that you’re in denial. Perfect relationships don’t lead to explosive band aid moments. There’s a lot that the two of you (yes, the two of you, no one is in a relationship alone) weren’t addressing.

If you keep silent about this event, you are just continuing the energy that caused it. In other words, your refusal to address what’s wrong got you into this mess. It will not get you out. If you and your partner want to have any hope at all of having a truly authentic relationship, then you’re going to have to start talking about shit, including the cheating. And you have to be honest. If you don’t do this, if you don’t address the underlying issue, you’re going to cheat again. And again. And again. You may even begin to think of yourself as a cheater, incapable of being in a real relationship. All you’ll be doing is distracting yourself from the pain of not being Who You Really Are.

Here are a few more tips in how to break this to your partner:

  • While it does take two to be in a relationship, and the situation that led to the cheating was a co-creation, DO NOT blame your partner. Do not make them responsible for your actions. You cheated because you kept yourself in a vibration that felt awful. That’s on you. They got cheated on because they did the same. So, do not lay blame at their feet. That would be the cowardly, avoiding thing to do. Own your shit.
  • Do not ask for their forgiveness. They may eventually give it to you, but not at first. Let them digest the news. They may leave for a while. They may leave forever. But if it’s possible for you to have the kind of relationship you want with this person, then a dialogue will eventually be possible. If not, then part of the reason you cheated may have been because your relationship was long past its due date. But don’t ask them to forgive you so that you can feel better. This is placing the responsibility for how you feel on their shoulders. Don’t do that. Remember: own your shit.
  • Do not accept the premise that you have singlehandedly ruined a perfect relationship. I explained this above. Don’t take responsibility for how they feel. You have to own your shit, but they have to own theirs. You’re in this together. You’re both being given an opportunity to work through something here. Neither one of you can do this work for the other. You each manifested your experience – that of cheating and that of being cheated on. Your manifestation is on you. Theirs is on them. Don’t try to take on their shit out of guilt.
  • Remember that you’re not a bad person. You had a valid reason for doing what you did. It may not seem so valid anymore, and it may have been unwanted, but that’s not the same thing as saying you’re bad. Read this post: How To Forgive Yourself.
  • Be patient and work slowly. Give your partner and yourself time to work through this. Cheating is a BIG manifestation. This means that you’ll be working through something you’ve been ignoring for a long time. The issues you’re shifting will almost certainly predate your relationship and may have been with you all of your lives. Your relationship didn’t cause them, but it is giving you the opportunity to work through them.
  • Get help. If at all possible, make use of a therapist, counselor, or coach to help guide you through the minefield of emotions and beliefs you’ll need to address in this process. If your partner isn’t willing to participate, go alone. You don’t need them to join you in order to manifest the relationship of your dreams (and yes, that dream relationship could even be with them!). I’ve personally been able to “save” several relationships that seemed doomed, while working only with one partner. Keep in mind that staying together isn’t always the best option, but it’s often more viable than you might think. If you’d like to take a look at my coaching packages, you can do so here: Energy Coaching Packages.

Bottom line

The bottom line is this: Cheating is not bad. It’s not even really an issue. It’s a symptom of a much greater disease. If you focus on how bad and horrible of an action it was, you may well gloss right over what’s really going on and miss a massive opportunity for growth.

Believe it or not, your denial fueled relationship can end up being better than ever after cheating has occurred. If you take advantage of the opportunity presented to you, if you look for the message or gift the experience contains, the catalyst of cheating and the resulting work can end up bringing you closer together, fostering much deeper and more authentic communication. You can actually end up with the relationship you’ve always wanted. Will it be easy? Oh hell no. But is it doable? Yes. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t have manifested this scenario. So, take a deep breath, stand up straight, shoulders back, chin out, eyes forward, and make the commitment to own your shit, to no longer accept denial and avoidance, and to actively work towards what you want. You CAN do it. You CAN have what you want. And really, since anything less will eventually turn you into a feral, flailing, wounded animal, reaching for anything to relieve the pressure, no matter how destructive, do you really have a choice?

***************************

I have an awesome announcement: Deliberate Receiving Blog is the winner of a 2012 LOA Leaders Award. Jeannette Maw from GoodVibeBlog.com created LOA Leaders, a site which honors the best of the LOA online community. And our little blog made it into the top 5!  I’m touched and honored and incredibly thrilled. And, of course, I pass this award on to you, my awesome community. I maintain, without you, I’d just be a weirdo with a megaphone, alone in the forest. Without your questions, there would be no answers. This is your place, your community, your wisdom. I’m really just the happy, shiny (and sexy!) conduit through which it flows. Ha. I love you and cherish you and am immensely grateful for all of you. Here’s your award:

 LOA-Leaders-blog-med-300x300

Click on the image for more awesome LOA resources!






{ 46 comments }

Nevila July 11, 2013 at 18:39

Congratulations for the award Melody!

Melody Fletcher July 11, 2013 at 18:41

Thanks Nevila!

Hugs,

Melody
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Annie July 11, 2013 at 19:12

oh WOW

when the pupil is ready and all that …….

My fiancé cheated on me last October. To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. We have cancelled the wedding etc BUT we are together again after a few months break. I still have days where I really struggle – stuck in “victim mode” and after another meltdown a couple of days ago I woke up this morning and did a few rounds of EFT. I then asked for guidance and help for me to understand my emotions and the “event” and blow me down – your email arrives today. (I love how the Universe works)

I already understood that I was party to the manifestation (my ex-husband cheated on me too) and have done massive amounts of soul searching, analysing, self improvement, awareness etc etc BUT could never really get to the bottom of it.

Massive thanks for being the messenger for me today. It has been a tremendous help. I’m just about to read the “cheated on” blog too.

<3

Melody Fletcher July 12, 2013 at 13:04

You’re welcome Annie. The cheated on post will be more helpful to you, in terms of figuring out your own manifestation. And I’m glad that you’re willing and able to see this as a manifestation. That’s a big shift to make. It’s so easy to get caught up in the blame game, but no one ever finds happiness that way. Being right isn’t the same as being happy.

Sending you huge hugs,

Melody
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Annie July 12, 2013 at 19:04

Thanks
Hugs back <3

Bernie July 11, 2013 at 19:19

Hi Melody great post and well done on the award! Will be in touch real soon. Bernie x
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Melody Fletcher July 12, 2013 at 13:04

Thanks Bernie! :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Just call me A. July 11, 2013 at 19:41

Congrats!!!!

Melody Fletcher July 12, 2013 at 13:05

Thanks A.!

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Sanjay July 11, 2013 at 20:09

Well done Melody, for the blog award. This is without doubt one of the best LOA blogs online with great, informative articles from aligned perspectives. Keep up the great work.

Melody Fletcher July 12, 2013 at 13:05

Thanks so much Sanjay. I really appreciate the kudos.

Hugs!

Melody
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kim phelps July 11, 2013 at 20:28

Melody, another awesome post! Congratulations on “our” award! Wanted or unwanted, instead of right or wrong. Now THAT is profound. Relishing in this new thought. :)

Melody Fletcher July 12, 2013 at 13:07

Thanks Kim. Congrats right back atcha. :)

It’s one of the biggest shifts we can make, and not an easy one. When we get caught up in the whole right and wrong thing, we always shut down energy. I always like to ask “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”

Smooshy hugs,

Melody
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Marjorie July 11, 2013 at 20:46

wow, what an OUTSTANDING post! you are bringing painful, everyday topics that many of us struggle with and breaking it down with such clarity and….I don’t know the word, awesomeness?!! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU and CONGRATS on the award!

really blown away by today’s post, Melody!!!

Thanks again,
Marjorie :)

Melody Fletcher July 12, 2013 at 13:08

Thanks Marjorie,

I’m so glad you found the post helpful. Someone’s got to tackle this stuff from a happy shiny perspective, no? Might as well be me. :)

Smooshy hugs,

Melody
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Kim Nefer July 11, 2013 at 22:19

YAY! Congrats…you deserve it! Your blog is outstanding and incredibly practical. It is one of my life compass.

Thanks

Kim

Melody Fletcher July 12, 2013 at 13:08

Thanks Kim!

Huge hugs for you,

Melody
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MJ July 11, 2013 at 23:10

I mostly understand… with the exception that those who cheat do so because of feeling unworthy.

I don’t get how it is then both persons fault, at all. I mean, the partner who was cheated on let it occur (vibrationally) because they were so awesome and the “cheater” felt unworthy? Even if they were always there for the cheater, communicating, helping, doing everything… it is… somehow also their fault? It makes it seem like some sort of victim blaming, minus the whole technical victim.
I am also using the word fault loosely as really there is no right or wrong, but as you say wanted and unwanted, I just don’t know how else to convey it because no matter how awesome you are if someone betrays you it is going to hurt, even for a brief flicker of a moment because you loose trust in them.

I would like to understand this better as clearly I am having trouble grasping it, big time.

Melody Fletcher July 12, 2013 at 13:13

Hey MJ,

You’ll find the answer to all your questions in the “cheated on” post here: http://www.deliberateblog.com/2011/12/11/did-i-attract-my-cheating-husband/

I realize this is not an easy thing to get our heads around. It’s so much simpler just to blame the other person and call them bad. And that might even feel better for a while, but it doesn’t solve anything. People don’t attract being cheated on because they’re so wonderful. They attract it through fear, feelings of unworthiness, and other limiting beliefs. The ironic thing is that in this type of relationship, BOTH parties are insecure, they are just manifesting it in different ways. It’s not about if they deserve this kind of pain (they don’t. We all deserve to be happy), but rather looking at it from a cause and effect point of view. It’s not about blame, it’s no one’s fault, but it is about taking responsibility for your own reality and the experiences you’ve attracted to yourself.

I get it, that’s not easy, but this is the work. And it leads to a hell of a lot more happiness than blaming does. It is a big shift though, so take your time with it. :)

Sending you huge hugs,

Melody

lorraine July 11, 2013 at 23:21

Hi Melody

Congratulations on the award – a much deserved win.

Oh and Yes your coaching with one person in the marriage works wonders (its still smoking hot lol xx

Melody Fletcher July 12, 2013 at 13:15

Thanks Lorraine,

You’re living proof that it does, lol! Enjoy the hotness, my dear. :P

Smooshy hugs,

Melody

Constance July 12, 2013 at 00:54

Congratulations Melody! We’re all proud of you and thanks so much for availing yourself for us. I love you. The article is amazing. I have cheated a couple of times and I guess i know the underlying cause now. Thanks a lot!

Melody Fletcher July 12, 2013 at 13:16

Thanks Constance and you’re so welcome.

Much love to you, too!! And hugs. Smooshy, smooshy hugs. :)

Melody

Simmy July 12, 2013 at 01:50

You really amaze me how you have this all down pat. I’ve been studying LOA since 2005 and I am blown away by the way you write. Thank you because this article spoke directly to me.

Melody Fletcher July 12, 2013 at 13:17

You’re so welcome Simmy. It took a long time, believe me (my whole life, really). And I’m also still learning every day and always will be (hopefully!).

Keep up the great work, and big hugs,

Melody

Trish July 12, 2013 at 05:48

Thanks a ton for the response, Melody!
Extremely helpful insight, just like all the other insights of yours. They heal even as I read them. Did I tell you I love you? You’ve helped me deal with a lot lately and I can’t tell you how precious this whole thing is to me. You’re a blessed soul, and that I stumbled upon your blog is a blessing in itself. Love you, you feisty, beautiful woman!

Melody Fletcher July 12, 2013 at 13:18

Thanks so much Trish! Thanks for asking the question, as well. This is one that so many people struggle with, so it clearly needed to be answered.

Much love to you, too, sweetie.

Sending you huge, happy, shiny puppy hugs,

Melody

Mary July 12, 2013 at 06:57

Congratulations on a very well deserved award!

Melody Fletcher July 12, 2013 at 13:18

Thanks Mary!!

Hugs,

Melody

Eve July 12, 2013 at 15:35

Congratulations! Your blog has meant a huge amount to me over the past several months. Thank you, thank you, thank you – and congratulations on a very deserved award!

Melody Fletcher July 13, 2013 at 22:25

Thanks Eve! I’m so glad the post has been helpful for you. :)

Huge hugs!

Melody

Vini July 13, 2013 at 03:26

Congratulations Melody! I got introduced to LOA through your blog. Thanks a ton and smooshy hugs!

Melody Fletcher July 13, 2013 at 22:26

Yay! Another happy shiny convert! ;)

Smooshy hugs right back atcha!

Melody

John Kelly July 13, 2013 at 14:34

Congratulations Melody on the award for your blog – well and truly deserved..
John

Melody Fletcher July 13, 2013 at 22:27

Thanks so much John!

Hugs,

Melody

Elle July 13, 2013 at 19:28

Many congrats on your award Melody. I’d put you in 1st place kiddo…no one does it better.

xoxo
Elle
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Melody Fletcher July 13, 2013 at 22:27

Thanks Elle! You’re such a sweetie!

Smooshy hugs!!

Melody

Karin July 14, 2013 at 02:55

Congrats on the award Melody!

I have been in all three situations (cheater, cheatee, Other Woman), and being the cheater was the WORST! I was young, my relationship was unhealthy, but I couldn’t see those things – all I could see was that I was a horrible, horrible person who was out of control and kept hurting the person I loved. At times I considered suicide – eventually I saw a therapist who helped a bit. Then we broke up and I vowed that I wouldn’t get into another relationship until I felt I was ready to be faithful (i.e. had sowed my wild oats, which has been a lot of fun! :D )

I haven’t really been in a long relationship since then, but if I do, I hope I would be able to discuss it with my partner if I felt the urge to stray, and we could work it out as a couple, and I hope he would do the same. It’s the secrets and dishonesty that are the killers.

On that note, this article comes right in time for me. I read an article the other day about a person who had cheated, and the comments section was vitriolic. This wasn’t a guy who had had an affair on his pregnant wife and given her and the baby chlamydia, it was just a guy who had drunkenly given oral sex to another girl, and the article was about him coming to terms with the fact that he had done it.

Names were being called, there were threats of death, hopes that this person would get his face punched in, get a STD and die, etc. I admit that I felt very triggered by the fact that people were so vitriolic about it. It really upset me.

First of all, statistics about cheating vary, but the percentage of people who will cheat at least once in their lives are something like 30-50%. That’s a lot of people. So for something that is so common, you’d think it would be less of a taboo? I don’t condone cheating – I used to be more blase about it, but after my experiences and seeing how much it hurts the people involved, it upsets me, but not to the point where I’m ready to pick up my pitchfork (unless it involves putting someone’s health at risk by having unprotected sex and not telling your partner – even I never did that).

However I really wish it was less of a taboo. I was commenting on that article, saying that maybe if the topic of cheating were less of a taboo, then people would be more open with their partners, telling them if they felt a desire to cheat, so they could discuss it and work it out together. Also, people would perhaps be more open about telling their partners if they wanted some form of non-monogamous relationship. But my comments were just met with more vitriol, which in turn triggered me more.

So, two questions for you, Melody:
1. Why does this trigger people so much when it is so common? I mean, I’ve been cheated on and yes, it hurt, but there are far worse things that a partner could do to me. People equate cheating with murdering puppies, like it’s the worst thing someone could do. (That makes about 30-50% of the population basically puppy-murderers) Seriously. Why is this?
2. Why I am I so triggered by the fact that people are so triggered about cheating? I’ve forgiven myself for doing it, and I think it’s unlikely I would again, but the whole puppy-murderer thing upsets me.

Then again, maybe I am a little hypocritical because when it comes to people who cheat and have unsafe sex, I do equate them with being puppy-murderers. I once read a story of one guy who gave his girlfriend chlamydia and she didn’t find out until the end of the relationship, and it had been left untreated so long that she was sterile. And that’s just chlamydia. I grew up in a country where the HIV rate was high and you’d get ex-pats sleeping with prostitutes while their wives were blissfully unaware in their home country :( That stuff makes me want to cry.

Then again, if cheating was less of a trigger for people, it would be less scary for the person to confess that they had had unsafe sex to their partner, and if they decided to stay together, they could go get tested, etc.

Anyway, I’m rambling a little. But then this is a complicated issue. I’d appreciate your views, Mellow-D!

Huugggssss

Karin

Veronica July 21, 2013 at 14:01

The reason it triggers people so much is because of the insecurity and feelings of not being good enough that being cheated on would bring up.

It is equated to puppy murder, because of the fact that it confronts the entire ego. Most people are not “evolved” or resistance-free enough to be on a level where they don’t experience jealousy, self-doubt, or comparison to others. The more insecure the person is, or lacking in love for themselves…the more this will rattle them to the core.

It raises too many questions and doubts in a persons mind about their own self-worth. It’s a direct challenge to their core, and self-esteem. Some people will go a little crazy comparing themselves to the other woman or man. Some people will go crazy wondering what they “did” or didn’t do to drive their partner into the arms of someone else.

It makes them question their identity and worth within a negative/insecure context…and nobody likes all that resistance thrown in the face.
That is scary and a bit heart wrenching. When people are confronted with fear, it’s all too human to react with rage to protect themselves.

Not many people are secure enough just to take it on the chin. To be able to accept the idea that someone could love or find someone else sexually attractive without feeling inadequate.
It is the reason polygamy is not very common or accepted. It requires a great deal of self-confidence that most humans do not have.

As far as being the cheater, I don’t understand it within a long-term relationship with someone you truly love.
But I do understand it within the context of a new relationship. It is hard to commit to someone whilst in the process of dating and committing to a person in the first place.
However when you are certain of your choice, and in love that is a different ball game. True love doesn’t come with the sense of being “locked in” that one may feel when uncertain about a new relationship where there is the beginning of attraction, but not love.

Alexis Marlons July 14, 2013 at 03:36

Congratulations for the award you got Melody. You truly deserve it. Your blog is one of the best blogs I’ve been following.
Alexis Marlons invites you to read..Help with Setting up a BusinessMy Profile

Karina July 14, 2013 at 09:22

Hi Melody! Wow your post could not have appeared at a more perfect time! About 2 years ago, I cheated on my first boyfriend and I felt terrible about it for a long time. Especially since he’d been cheated on before.I was barely 19. He was 22. I have always been considered a “good girl.” Not even I could believe I had done such a thing, much less the people who knew me. I got ridiculed for it and labeled a slut. My boyfriend found out, I fiercely denied it, he didn’t believe me, and he basically told me to have a nice life and leave him the hell alone.
So I did.
In a weird turn of events, the guy I cheated on him with ended up becoming my boyfriend and we had an even better, epic loving relationship than I had with my ex! It had everything my last relationship didn’t. I never cheated on him once because I was happy. We dated for about a year and ended for other reasons (my insecurities came back after a while…) Your post made me realize that I cheated on my ex as a way to get out. I wasn’t happy, yet I was so scared of breaking up with him. I didn’t want to fail at the relationship. But now I see it as a good thing. Cheating didn’t make me a bad person! And you know what the crazy part is? That ex who I thought would never forgive me, never want to talk to me again and hate me forever? I was thinking about him recently and yep! He contacted me today after 2 years of zero contact apologizing and I quote, for “letting his immaturity get the best” of him at the time and we had a nice normal conversation in which the past was forgiven. I was beyond awed. I had made peace with my cheating and thought to myself, “maybe one day he won’t see me as a bad person and we can be friends, but it’s ok if he doesn’t” and then today happened. I love how the universe works!
Thanks for such an AMAZING post!! I can feel my power!! :)

Ann July 15, 2013 at 09:15

Congratulations Melody! A well deserving award!

Another brilliant post…..so much of depth to this whole cheating concept, I am liking this new dimension that you have written. I am forever caught between the feelings that if I do what makes me happy might others, especially my loved ones, very unhappy. So most of the time I end up doing what is right which does not necessarily makes me happy or even unhappy, but I love to see the happiness on their faces. Don’t really know if this is right!!!

Ann July 15, 2013 at 09:16

Congratulations Melody! A well deserving award!

Another brilliant post…..so much of depth to this whole cheating concept, I am liking this new dimension that you have written. I am forever caught between the feelings that if I do what makes me happy it might make others, especially my loved ones, very unhappy. So most of the time I end up doing what is right which does not necessarily makes me happy or even unhappy, but I love to see the happiness on their faces. Don’t really know if this is right!!!

Isis August 5, 2013 at 19:42

wonderful article Melody..and an awesome award too..but i have a question here “You can actually end up with the relationship you’ve always wanted. Will it be easy? Oh hell no. But is it doable? Yes. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t have manifested this scenario.”..here you say that finally having the relationship that we wanted is not easy but its doable.My question is if something seems very hard and is not easy , do we really get it , or need it?? like you have told in some previous posts that inspired action is really easy , but not simple. And if something looks like hard work then we are making it work desperately..so if getting the relationship of our dreams mean a hard work , is that what we really need, that we really deserve ?? i am totally confused..pls help out..
thanks

Abigail October 1, 2013 at 20:04

I am curious not just about the cheater and cheatee which is really who gets focused on when it comes to this topic but what about the other person involved. Do you think that sometimes people are in a relationship because they have settled because of fear of being alone or that they wouldn’t find someone else and then whoo la someone new comes along, someone that fullfills all those desires and things who have always looked for in another and it changes everything? I guess my question is what about the other person involved in all of this, how do they fit in? And can that relationship be much more than just an affair?

Jen October 14, 2013 at 05:14

I would like to second Abigail’s question about the third party in cheating. I once had an experience as the cheat-er where I cheated on my partner (whom I was in a long distance relationship with at the time), but I felt so absolutely gleefully wonderful whenever I was with this other person…so much so that I could never feel guilty DURING the times I was with him. Later when I would talk to my partner I felt horrible and my lack of guilt in the moment convinced me I was a horrible person, but it continued on for months. My partner knew what was happening and stayed with me even though it was debilitatingly painful for them. At the time, I viewed this as martyr-style love (Christ-like if you will), and ended the “affair” in the belief that I could never find a better person than this (I believed suffering was virtuous), therefore sentencing the rest of the original relationship to a state of extreme guilt and trying to make up for the impossible on my part, and a state of PTSD on the part of my partner. This relationship eventually ended painfully anyway. After stumbling here I can’t help but wonder if the new guy was a better match to me vibrationally at that moment in my life than my original partner.

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