What Can I Do To Help A Dying Relative?

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by Melody Fletcher on March 21, 2013

 

Awesome Vini asks: “I want to ask you about how LOA would work for a person providing care. I have read your post about maintaining a high vibration and seeing the other person as they truly are. But what if the care giver is a family member? My hubby is spending time with his father who is battling a terminal disease. So while he tries to think positive, his father is not too co-operative and set in his ways. He refuses to follow the diet/regime prescribed to him by the doctors. So my question is, how can my hubby maintain his positive outlook while caving in to his father’s demands and seeing the condition getting worse because of his father’s resistance? He definitely wants to see his father stick around for long.”

Dearest Vini,

You and your husband are in a difficult situation. Your father in law is getting ready to make his transition, to move to a purely non-physical state, free of all doubt and fear and pain and fatigue, where he can be like a kid again and play and romp and radiate joy more effectively than he ever could in his human life. Your husband is trying to stop him and is frustrated because his dad won’t help him do it.

Nothing is going wrong here. Your father in law isn’t leaving you, he’s taking the next step, moving to the new phase of his eternal existence. But unless you truly understand that, it can feel like something terrible is happening.

Understanding death

Most people have absolutely no real understanding of death. We’ve been taught that it’s the end of life, that it’s a tragedy, that it’s something to be avoided at all costs. We’re afraid of death and, especially in the West, we will go to great and often torturous lengths to stave it off. We’d rather suffer than die.

But death isn’t the end of life. Life doesn’t end. It changes, it morphs, it evolves, but it doesn’t end.

Let me give you an analogy that may help:

When you see a new baby being born, do you consider it a tragedy? Do you lament the fact that it’s left the non-physical and come into the physical, where it could have experiences that weren’t available in the other realm? Do you think that there are a bunch of non-physical family members standing around a bed on the other side, wailing “Please don’t die! Please don’t leave us!”? There aren’t. Because, from our non-physical perspective, we get what death really is. If we, in our physical states, truly understood death, we would celebrate it just as much as we do every birth. It’s a moving on, an evolution, the next step in our paths (all our paths. We can’t avoid death).

Your father in law has done what he wanted to do here. Note, I didn’t say what he NEEDED to do. We don’t need to do anything here, but there’s loads we want. He’s tired of this dimension. He’s ready and hungry for new adventures that this physical plane can’t provide for him. The closer he gets to his transition, the more you’ll see the joy and peace and understanding come over him. This will be more apparent if you allow yourself to understand.

Guiding someone through the transition

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to speak with a woman who was in the midst of “losing” her father. During our session, I was able to connect with her dad’s energy and it was absolutely fascinating. A large part of his focus had already receded into the non-physical. I could feel his disinterest with his own physical body, like he was sloughing off an old pair of pants. I could also feel his anticipation and joy about the new leg of his journey. He already understood that this was not an ending and that he would continue to be able to communicate and have a relationship with his daughter and other family members. He wanted his daughter to know that it was all right, even if his body could no longer help him communicate that (I believe this is why she found her way to me, so I could deliver the message). By talking her through what her dad was experiencing (and what he wasn’t, for example, he was in no physical pain since his focus was almost completely out of his body), she was able to make peace with the process and let him go.

A couple of days after our conversation, this woman’s father made his transition. I spoke with her again a couple of days after that, and through her, was able to connect with his energy once again. What I felt nearly rocked me out of my seat. The utter joy, the thrill of it, the absolute giddiness of the non-physical was overwhelming. And keep in mind that I could only experience as much of that energy as my own body could allow. I’m convinced that the actual experience is exponentially more awesome. The biggest feeling that came through, though, was this childlike wonder and urge to play. Her father wanted to play with her. He had no worries, no pain, no doubts, no urgency, no stress, no fear, no limitation. He just wanted to play! And he did. He sent her several messages, intuitive urges to notice little things that only she would know were from him. When I told her to look for these messages she admitted that she’d already seen several, and that they’d felt really good, but that she’d dismissed them in her grief. Her father didn’t need her to understand that he was still around, he was going to be happy either way (unconditional happiness, y’all), but the thrill he felt when she recognized his signs nearly made me start laughing out loud. It was one of the most intense experiences I’ve ever had.

Letting someone “go”

You asked what your husband could do to help. Well, here it is: He can help the most by not hanging on to his father in this reality. We can actually slow someone’s transition down by not wanting to let them go. Those who love us will often stick around until we’re ok. Right now, your husband is fighting his dad’s process. He may be angry with him, he may try to bully him into eating or following the instructions of the doctors who have been taught to fight death instead of respecting it. But, is this really the wise choice? We hook people up to machines and force feed them through tubes to keep them from the inevitable. Now, I’m not saying that modern medicine can’t also help people manifest recovery when they’re a match to it, but there are those times when we know that someone is moving towards death. Often, they’re much more at peace with it than their loved ones are. They begin to remember how it really is.

We fight death and we ask the dying to do the same. We don’t respect their right to do as they choose, to move on, to go and play. Why not? Because we don’t truly understand what death is. And, because we’ve decided that what we want is more important than what they want.

But we can’t really understand death unless we’ve experienced the process of dying. Our loved ones often give us the perfect opportunity to do just that – to feel the immense discord that comes from thinking that they are leaving us, and that this is a tragedy. They also give us the opportunity to make peace with it, to listen to their wisdom, to make the decision to let them go and to hear their joyful messages from the non-physical. Because only then can we truly understand that there is no death, and through that understanding, finally truly understand life.

 

{ 18 comments }

Sonali March 21, 2013 at 14:44

Dear Melody
This comes at such a perfect time! You have already replied to my desperate emails after my mum passed three months back. After going through intense grief that manifested in physical illness and anxiety, finally I started recognising signs from my mum as you had advised me. And what I absolutely agree with is that childlike romp and joy.
I have experienced it from her energy.
Thank you for this post, it is amazing and is such a great help for people to come to terms and make peace with this reality of existence. Although its always painful to not have our loved ones physically present with us, once we realise life is eternal it is such a great relief!

John March 21, 2013 at 14:48

Melody:

A wonderful post. Thank you for sharing you insights and your own experience with the energy of the woman’s father both before and after his transition. I also appreciate your sharing that the father felt a thrill when his daughter recognized his signs sent from Nonphysical.

After my wife made her transition last year, she orchestrated several message to me, through animals & in other ways. The messages were very playful, but they were also messages that only I would recognize as being from her, in the same way as the father in your example. I like to picture of my wife in Nonphysical, doing a “happy dance” because I recognized her messages.

A very powerful post, and one that was particularly relevant for me!

Thank you!

Huge hugs,

John

Nathalie March 21, 2013 at 15:20

Thank you for this one Melody — my father is currently battling stage 4 colon cancer. I don’t feel that he’s anywhere near ready to transition, but this will help me to understand better when he is.

It’s funny, but I think he has an intuitive understanding of LOA principles, even though he would think the whole concept was ridiculous (he is very much a math, science, engineering kind of guy). He would be especially sceptical of the idea that his cancer could be cured from within, by his own thoughts. But his whole point of view, ever since being diagnosed three years ago, has been that he’s going to get better.

And, while he did go and look up the survival statistics on his type of cancer (they are dismal, btw), his view has been, “well, someone has to beat the odds, and it might as well be me”. He doesn’t focus on the disease, but on things he enjoys (cooking, his painting class, home renovations). And he’s told me that he’s in way better shape than any of the people at his support group, even though a lot of them don’t have as severe a diagnosis as he does. He has all sorts of very logical reasons for why he thinks that is, but I think it’s completely because of his mindset — he doesn’t see himself as sick, even though he has to have the chemo every couple of weeks, and it does take a toll on him. I just wish that whatever it is he’s learning from this, he could have picked an easier route for himself!
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Carole Remy March 21, 2013 at 18:12

Hugs, Nathalie! How wonderful for your father that he has a daughter that gets it. Your personal grief will still be there—we’re human—but the more you can celebrate life with him and enjoy every day, the better for the both of you! More hugs, Carole
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tony March 21, 2013 at 18:03

In my experience, it was too difficult to maintain a positive attitude seeing the situation getting worse and the other person not willing to cooperate. I guess because I felt powerless.

Melody, do you think the dead hear us when we curse them to steam off the anger and the resentment?

Carole Remy March 21, 2013 at 18:16

Hi Tony,

Jumping in. I think they hear us with great compassion and love, thinking, Good! I’m glad he’s venting. Can you imagine the Spirit smiling and embracing you as you rail at them, like a mother with a small child?

I’m fighting the feeling of powerlessness myself at the moment, so I decided to learn to pour concrete and make fence posts! I think when we recapture our sense of power in any situation, even unrelated, the powerlessness dissipates. At least, it works for me.

Hugs,

Carole
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tony March 23, 2013 at 11:47

thnx McM, this picture of the spirit is very sweet.
Work helps, it serves as a distraction, but I’m trying to remember to forget and focus on sth else, no matter what excuse my mind could find at that moment.

Just call me A. March 21, 2013 at 18:18

Thanks for a wonderful post and for sharing the story with the woman’s father who transitioned. Feeling really good after having read this!!!!

Carole Remy March 21, 2013 at 18:20

A beautiful post, Melody!

You’ve said it all. We’re human and we grieve, but we can also feel great joy even in the middle of the pain. Noticing a sign brings us more signs to notice. Focusing on the joy brings us more joy. Thank you Law of Attraction!

Huge Thursday hugs,

Carole
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shaun March 21, 2013 at 19:03

BEAUTIFUL! Melody, i know of a young girl whose baby did not survive birth. Would it be possible for you at some point to write about your understanding of this difficult subject. Shaun

Vini March 22, 2013 at 00:14

Hi Melody,
First of all huge thanks for addressing my question. This post brings me peace as it seems nothing is ever lost, we just transition from one dimension to the other. The only difficulty that I have is that I can see my father in law is still focused in this reality and always sounds hopeful about getting better and doing many other things. But the clinical results indicate differently. I guess all we can do at this time is to see him as he truly is and be content with what happens – keeping in mind that this is co-creation. The feeling of powerlessness in these situations is immense. But I try to focus on an image of him where he is really fine and happy.
Again thanks so much for your beautiful words. A giant hug and lots of love to you!

Laura March 22, 2013 at 01:48

Timely article Mel. And Vini I understand what you’re going through. It sounds like (from your question and comment above) a lot of what my siblings and I are going through with my father.

I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotion with it participating in his care, being a whipping post at times, watching a man who is no longer my father really and even burning out at one point and also watching my brother getting run into the ground. I feel ready for my father to make his transition.

My father is very narcissistic and cooperation is difficult to get in some circumstances (and I’m not talking about an eating regimen.) He is accepting of his condition and the fact he will transition soon some days and other days he wants another biopsy or to do something that might help him. And maybe an all vegan raw diet might help, (or not). But the momentum doesn’t stay. Mixed messages to the universe? “I give up.” “No I want to hold on.”

Even when he gets his bursts of energy he still sits around doing nothing. At most he might read a few pages, eats his meals and falls asleep.

Then from another angle, my brother is also on a roller coaster. He was angry at the fact that while my father was in hospice, my father refused to see the oncologist on duty because the doctor wasn’t his own. That’s ridiculous to me.

Brother was angry about it (and to me that is understandable) since we are doing what we can and bending over backwards…putting much of our own lives by the sidelines. But in addition, for weeks my brother has been saying, just two more years, I just want two more years. (Not sure why 2 is the magic number here.)

And although I haven’t said it directly to my bro, my thoughts of that are, “I can’t take two more years of this!”

I know that my bro doesn’t want two more years of him ill, he wants two more years of my dad healthy. But my question is could my brother be part of what is holding my dad here with that sort of thought?

I think it contributes but I also think that my father goes back and forth so much on whether to let go or not.

Ha! Guess I answered my own question but I’d still love some input.

My sympathies and hugs to you Vini, Hugs to you Nathalie. And tony, you used the perfect adjective…powerless.

Vini March 22, 2013 at 05:22

Thanks so much Laura and huge hugs to you as well. My husband is in the exact same situation like your brother. He is trying to do whatever he can to bring his father back to a better condition and all this is taking a toll on him. My father in law also goes back and forth between being hopeful of his recovery and giving up. I am not sure what would make him feel better – focused in this reality or not. Thats why I try to see him in that shiny happy vibration no matter how his condition is.
If I may comment on your question – Melody says above that “we can slow someone’s transition by holding on to them. Those who love us will stick around until we’re okay.”

I understand this is a difficult time for you and your family. Hang in there. Lots of love

John March 23, 2013 at 04:25

Melody, I lost my Mom two days ago from cancer. I experienced things that I never want to see again. It was absolutely the most grueling, brutal time of my life. My sister and I did not want to see her go, but before we went to bed, we told her it was okay (she was not conscious ) to go. After we drifted off to sleep, she passed away. She probably did not want us to see it. I know she is not truly gone, but I want to know how I can open my mind to seeing whatever signs she may be sending me. I know that by sending her loving thoughts and embracing the good memories, I can keep her in my heart, rather than mourn and grieve and hold her back. I miss her so much.

John March 23, 2013 at 20:02

John:

I think the best way to be open to signs from your mother is to focus in a relaxed, playful way on things that both of you enjoyed when she was in physical. She will certainly be focusing on you from Nonphysical, and if you can find a way to focus in a playful way on anything it will make you more open to messages from you mother.

My sympathies to you and your family.

John

Alexis Marlons March 23, 2013 at 06:25

Very inspiring post. Sometimes, we only realize how important a person is to us when they are gone. Death is really unpredictable. It may be hard to accept it but it is how life goes.

H. March 24, 2013 at 01:00

This post was beautiful.

Kisses!

Sylviane Nuccio March 24, 2013 at 02:57

Excellent Melody,

Nice to be back here again and read a great post like this one.

The way I would explain it is that we live in a fleshy world where “life” as we know it is all that counts, and I think that’s sad.

I’ve known and heard of lots of people who prevent their loved ones to go, and that’s also understandable because we are going to miss that person, but that’s also based on ignorance about death and maybe a bit of selfishness.

Why would a person who’s days are counted on earth be on a diet? That’s stupid in my book. Eat, drink whatever you want my friend and fly to that wonderful place where there’s no pain :)

Thanks for this great explaination.
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