Awesome Jackie asks: “My Question is how do I lift myself into a better vibrational feeling when circumstances are really challenging? I’m trying so hard, but in my gut I feel sad all the time. I want to feel better and manifest a better life but I’m struggling. My husband after 25 years of marriage ran off with someone else. He had gone bankrupt so I lost my home. I imagined meeting a kind man with a lovely smile and 4 months later I did. We were together for 4 years and I loved him with all my heart but worried all the time he would leave me. If only I had known then what I know now. He recently left me. He said he doesn’t even know why as I’m wonderful, but he sees me more as a sister and can’t get the “in love” feeling back. I moved out of his home and I am now in a room at a friend’s. I’ve made all these things happen to myself.
All I want is to love and be loved by someone and I so want my own little home again. I’ve read so many of your blogs and books and feel I understand so much more. My problem is I ache inside for my ex-partner; I miss Him. I’m trying not to and I keep saying to myself let go and heal.
I’m trying to lift myself out of this feeling so I can think happy thoughts for a better tomorrow. How do you think happy thoughts and mean it when deep down inside you are sad?”
Dear Awesome Jackie,
It sounds like you’ve had quite a bit of upheaval. First, I want you to acknowledge something: Your entire life has changed drastically. You “lost” everything, and yet, here you are, plugging away, actively looking for ways to feel better. You didn’t give up, you didn’t throw in the towel, you didn’t capitulate and resign yourself to a life of misery. You’re fighting to feel better, and that not only takes strength, but courage. So, bravo you awesome puppy, you. Go on, pat yourself on the back. You deserve it.
Now, let’s get on with it, shall we?
Focus on the process
Whenever you find yourself in an emotionally volatile situation, or when there’s a danger that you’ll be negatively affected by the people or circumstances around you, do your best to focus on the process instead of the physical reality you can observe. What does that mean? Well, you’re already doing it to some extent:
When you focus on the process, you look at how the Law of Attraction is working. You look for underlying cause and effect. For example, you were able to see how you attracted a man leaving you by being really worried about him leaving you. When you focus on the process instead of the tragedy, you’ll feel more in control. Things will begin to make more sense, or at least, you’ll remember that the possibility of them making sense exists. Nothing feels worse than the thought that random crap just happens to you and there’s nothing you can do about it. Realizing that everything is a manifestation is a good way to get some distance from what’s happened and take a breath.
There IS a reason for why everything happens, even if you don’t yet know what it is. And every single manifestation is there to serve you, no matter what it looks like in the moment.
Understand your pain
Your ex left. You miss him. It hurts. It would be logical to assume that you’re in pain because you miss your ex. But that’s not the case.
Other people’s behavior cannot hurt us. Ever. Other people’s behavior can make us think thoughts about ourselves that hurt, though. This may seem like semantics, but the difference is actually HUGE. When you think that another person’s absence has the power to cause you pain, you give all your power to them. You say “If you would only come back, I could feel better.”
When you realize that your pain is caused by how you are looking at yourself, you take your power back. Because you can’t force your ex to come back (that’s called kidnapping, Jackie. And it’s not as easy as they make it look on TV. Or, um, so I’ve read), but you CAN change your own thoughts. You can control what you focus on and you can deliberately choose a different perspective. When you give all your power to your ex, you have no control over how you feel at all. And that feels awful. Focusing on what you can control and realizing that it’s good enough feels a hell of a lot better.
In order to figure out what’s really going on, dig down a bit into your pain. The easiest way to do this is to ask “why?”, over and over again.
“My ex left me. I miss him. It hurts.” – Why? Why does that hurt? [Note: These questions aren’t going to be that easy to answer. Give it some time, sit with them and see what comes up for you.]
“Well, it hurts because now I’m alone.” – Why? Why is being alone so horrible?
“Because I don’t want to be alone. It feels awful.” – Why? What would you have if you were not alone that you cannot have without a partner?
“I’d get laid, for one thing. And I’d get cuddles, and have someone to talk to.” – Dig deeper. What would you be able to feel that you don’t now feel? What would you NOT feel that you do now feel?
“This is hard. Can’t you just tell me the damn answer?” – No. And don’t take that tone with me, Missy. Now drop and give me twenty… feelings.
“Ok. Right now I feel lonely. I feel rejected. I feel afraid that I might never find another man, that I’ll be alone forever. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Maybe my vibration is broken. Maybe I’m just crap at creating my reality. I want someone in my life. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to feel wanted and needed. I want someone to come home to because I hate being alone at night. That’s the worst time, that’s when the loneliness really hits me.” – Why? Why at night?
“Well, I suppose that’s when there are fewer distractions. That’s when the thoughts come up.” – What thoughts?
“The unhappy thoughts. That I’m not good enough. That nobody wants me.”
So, what you’re saying is that when you have someone in your life, someone who looks at you with eyes of love and acceptance, it’s easier for you to feel good about yourself. And that when you’re alone, it becomes painfully apparent that you don’t really feel all that great about yourself, quite the contrary actually. In fact, you think so little of yourself, that you think the odds of you finding even one more person in this entire world with its billions of people are slim. I don’t know Jackie; you’re either some hideously deformed Quasimodo with chronic halitosis and a personality that would make Hitler (who by the way did find love, just saying) seem cuddly, or you’re freaking wrong. I mean, are you seriously going to argue that Hitler could attract a soul mate, but not you? I think I’ve made my point.
Of course it’s easier to feel loved when someone loves you. And of course it’s easier to feel accepted and validated when someone accepts you. It’s easier to feel worthy. But that’s a bit like saying it’s easier to feel happy when you’re stoned. Yes, it works, but it’s temporary. When you depend on an outside source to make you feel good, you are, once again, giving your power away. The second that this person withdraws their attention or leaves your reality, you’ll come down off your high and go into withdrawal. Not only that, but since your good feelings are based entirely on the behavior of the other person, you need them to give you your fix all the freaking time. The second they don’t, your true emotions come to the surface and they feel awful. You become needy (a bit like a drug addict jonesing for the needle) and afraid that you might never get that feeling back. You forget that you can feel good on your own, without the attention of a man, and you become dependent on your fix.
But you do have the power to feel good, all on your own. You don’t need the artificial stimulation of drugs, and you don’t need men to make you feel good. Of course, it’s a lot easier to enjoy a good glass of wine when you no longer NEED it. And it’s a lot easier to enjoy a relationship and relate to a man in a healthy way, when you no longer NEED him to make you feel good.
Ask “What if?”
Now that I’ve explained why you feel the way you do (which can bring relief already), let’s look at how to shift those feelings. We’ve identified your core fear:
You’re not good enough
There are many, many different ways to approach a belief like this. We could dig down and figure out how this belief was formed (usually in childhood) and help you come to a different conclusion. We could find related memories which have the same energy but don’t trigger you as much, and reframe them, thereby shifting the energy of the whole. But these techniques take a bit of time and require some expertise, and I know you want some relief NOW. It’s also nearly impossible to use them WHILE you’re being triggered.
I could also tell you to change the subject, find something to focus on that’s not related and already feels good, but I’m guessing that you’ve already tried that and the thoughts about your ex are just too in your face to ignore. The bastards won’t shut the hell up. So, we’re going to use the WHAT IF technique. Essentially, you take the opposite of your fears and ask “What if that scenario I want were true?”
What if you were good enough? What if your ex didn’t leave you because you’re not good enough, but because you’re about to shift out of that limiting belief and he doesn’t have the ability to keep up with the new, fabulous you? Think about it: If he was able to keep up, the manifestation would’ve unfolded differently (or maybe it is. There’s always the possibility that he’ll come back once your energy allows it…). What if you’re on your way to an even better relationship?
It’s all about the upgrade
How about this: you manifested this man. You focused on finding a smiling man and you got one. Was he perfect? Yes. He was the perfect mirror to your vibration. He had loads of good stuff (to which you had to be a match, so bravo!), and some bad stuff (mirroring your fears back to you so you could become aware of them, release them and manifest someone even better! So yay!). He wasn’t a match to everything you wanted, but he was a match to what you were capable of receiving. Now, if you managed to manifest one pretty awesome guy, what in the hell makes you think that you can’t manifest another one?? Do you think you only get one? This isn’t Highlander Jackie. There can’t be only one. There can be many. You can have as many as you need to practice on until you get it right. You get to keep refining what you want and what you’re a match to, and if the man you’re currently with can’t keep up with you, you get to upgrade to a newer model with more features.
When your old, rickety computer becomes too slow and finally gives out on you, do you become afraid that you’ll never, ever get another computer, or are you excited to get a newer, better one? Now, before I’m accused of supporting the act of leaving an old, wrinkly spouse for a younger, bouncier model, let me point out that in this analogy, the old, slow PC often does have the ability to morph into a newer model (it, like, adds memory and shit. Ok, no analogy is perfect *sigh*).
So, what if you did find another guy, and one that was even BETTER than your ex? Take a moment and let that sink in. Yes, it will feel weird and you may even feel reluctant to go there. Bust through the reluctance and allow yourself to dream. No harm will come of it, I promise.
What if it’s only going to bet better?
What if you got a guy who had all the great qualities of Mr. Ex, and MORE? What if the things that annoyed you about X weren’t there, but instead, there were qualities you enjoyed? What if he was attentive and kind and sexy and successful and happy and adventurous and cuddly and amazing in bed and enthusiastic and funny and smart and witty and adorable and strong and emotionally evolved, and absolutely freaking crazy about you? Make sure you spend at least 15 minutes envisioning this.
Why 15 minutes? Because most people quit way too early and don’t get all the way there, they don’t get the benefit of actually feeling the massive shift that comes when you really reach for the emotion you’re trying to achieve. If you aim for 15 minutes, you’ll there. Also, most people are horrible at judging how long they’ve been focusing. When I tell them to focus for at least 2 minutes, they invariably quit after 20 seconds. So, I’m upping the instruction to 15. Even if you grossly overestimate the amount of time that’s passed, you still can’t go wrong. And yes, I’m itching to make a sex joke here, but I won’t. It’s too freaking obvious and I’m better than that (and yes, I realize that it may not have been obvious to you before, but that you just re-read the last paragraph through dirty, dirty eyes. You’re welcome. Ha!)
Rinse and repeat
As you imagine the first WHAT IF scenario, you’re going to notice that some resistance comes up. For example, you may find yourself unwilling to imagine yourself with a successful guy, even though that’s what you really want. Ask yourself “Why” questions and dig down until you get an answer. You may mind that you have an association – you believe that if a man is successful he can’t also be attentive; he’ll be so busy with his business, that he’ll never have time for you. In that case, ask WHAT IF questions that contradict this specific association. What if he was successful AND attentive? What would that look like? Set the timer for 15 minutes and imagine it.
You may then find yourself unwilling to imagine him being really attractive to you. Dissect the reluctance by asking “Why” questions. You may figure out that you believe that if he’s really sexy (in your eyes), then he can’t possibly be attracted to you. This is a common belief. Now, turn that belief on its head and ask WHAT IF. What if he was super hot AND couldn’t keep his hands off you? This will be an uncomfortable thought at first. Set the timer and persevere.
Give yourself permission to go for it
The most important thing to remember in this exercise is that you MUST give yourself permission to imagine the WHAT IF scenarios. Just go for it. Don’t hold back. Push through the reluctance and play pretend. What if it all worked out? What if you’re supposed to be happy? What if imagining these scenarios could bring them about? What if we’re all a lot more powerful than we were taught to believe? What if this is all a hell of a lot simpler than we thought it was?
What if we’re all supposed to get exactly what we want? What if we did get exactly what we want? What if everything that happens is just designed to move us closer to what we want, and what if that’s working whether or not we realize it or even believe it? What if all your life has been leading up to this moment? What if you let go, relaxed, trusted that everything is always working out for you, and just went with it? What if you stopped struggling? What if it was easy? What would that look like? What would it feel like?