Help! My Partner Wants To Try Some S&M!

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by Melody Fletcher on February 26, 2013

 

Awesome Dudette asks: “I’m hoping you can clarify something about limiting beliefs/intuition. I am very intuitive, but sometimes get mixed feelings. When you feel uncomfortable about something, how can you tell if it’s your intuition telling you it’s not “right” for you (aligned with what you truly want), or if it’s because you have limiting beliefs about it that need changing?

For example, my boyfriend is into S&M. I keep feeling sick to my stomach about it. I love sex and have a great libido, but S&M doesn’t feel right to me. I read your blog about sex, and agree in general that sex is a good thing / don’t feel I have major hang-ups about it. So is the feeling I’m getting because it isn’t aligned with my higher self, or because I have a hang-up/judgment about S&M? Do I listen to my feeling, or try to change it?

I feel confused, and this confusion has happened for me on more than one subject. I’m guessing there are others who also feel confused about the difference between a “bad” feeling that is intuition, and a “bad” feeling that is a thought attached to a limiting belief. When do we listen to ourselves, and when do we not?”

Dear Awesome Dudette,

First of all, way to ask a juicy question that just begs to be answered publicly. You knew I’d take the bait, didn’t you? Well played. :)

Here’s the super short answer: If it feels bad, don’t do it.

I’m guessing you want more, though… Ok, here we go then. But, I’m just going to warn you right now, there’s no way I can write a post involving S&M and not throw in some highly inappropriate jokes (something I’m guessing you knew…). The thirteen year old boy that lives in the humor center of my brain would never forgive me (and honestly, I don’t mess with the part of my brain that has the power to fill my head with images of monkeys in powdered wigs throwing poo at each other while I’m, oh say, talking to my lawyer.) Consider yourself disclaimered.

Always listen to yourself

You ask “When do we listen to ourselves and when do we not?” ALWAYS listen to yourself. That’s rule number one around here, really. Pay attention to how you’re feeling. Don’t ever force yourself to do something that doesn’t feel right and good to you. So, if the idea of a bit of S&M doesn’t light your fire, don’t do it. It doesn’t matter if it’s an aversion born of resistance, or your intuition telling you that it won’t lead you to what you want, I’m telling you, it’s the same damn thing.  Here’s why:

Let’s say that you’re standing in front of an alley. It’s a shortcut to your house, but you’re afraid to walk down it. Now, is that your resistance, i.e. fear that you might get mugged coming up, or is it your intuition telling you that there’s an actual mugger down there? It doesn’t matter! If you ignore your resistance and subject yourself to a situation that feels dangerous, guess what will happen? You’ll manifest bigger, more severe experiences (like being mugged) that will mirror that resistance back to you. Either way, whether or not there’s an actual mugger in the alley today, your feelings are telling you: “If you walk down that alley, you will have an unwanted experience.” You do not have to know if there’s an actual mugger there or not before you can justify NOT walking down that alley. It’s not like the Universe is daring you to walk down it in some weird, sadistic game of chicken. You’re not supposed to feel bad and if you do, you should walk away from whatever is making you feel bad. First and foremost.

But what about releasing resistance?

So, you walk away from that alley and you go the long way around. But, what if you don’t want to always go the long way around? What if you’d really like to have the freedom to walk down that alley? In that case, your fear of the danger in that alley needs to first be addressed. What you do NOT want to do is to walk down that alley while being afraid, no matter what the fear is being caused by.

Forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do, something that doesn’t feel good, will NEVER lead to a wanted outcome. Tweet this.

We should all have that burned into our brains at birth (instead of the opposite!).

To spank or not to spank

Don’t you worry, I haven’t forgotten about the S&M bit, I just wanted to set the stage first. So, your boyfriend wants a bit of the old slap and tickle, eh? But the mere idea of it makes you sick. Well, sweetie, I don’t know what you and your man toy usually get up to, but sex isn’t supposed to make you sick. If it makes you feel nauseous, you’re doing it wrong. Should you force yourself to do something that makes you feel sick? Say it with me now, everybody (those in leather gimp masks just bob and weave in support): “Hell NO!” End of story. Or is it?

Is this even a problem?

Why is this a problem? You don’t have to like everything in the world. It’s ok for you to not like S&M. There’s no rule that you have to be into everything, just like there’s no rule that you have to like every kind of food. You get to have preferences! So why is it bothering you at all that you don’t have the same preferences as your boyfriend in the boudoir department? Let’s look at some possible reasons:

Is sex not good for both of you? Is your boyfriend telling you that without adding a bit of the rough stuff, he can’t cross the finish line? Do you feel that you need to compromise in order to please him?

If this is the case, you have a couple of options. Forcing yourself to engage in activities that make you feel sick is not one of them! And honestly, if your boyfriend expects that of you, he’s a selfish bastard and should be tossed out on his leather chap clad hiney.

Your Options

Option #1: Accept that S&M just isn’t your thing, and make it clear to your boyfriend that it’s never going to happen. Refuse to feel guilty about your preferences. Deal with the consequences, which may ultimately lead you both to finding more sexually compatible partners. He can’t help liking S&M any more than you can help not liking it. And, if he can’t be satisfied without it, it’s better to be honest with each other about that.

Option #2: You realize that having an aversion to something is different from just not being into it. In other words, there’s a difference between not being turned on by something and wanting to hurl at the mere mention of it. Having a strong, negative reaction to something does indicate that there’s resistance there. Keep in mind that you have no obligation to shift this, and that it’s perfectly ok not to. It always comes down to what you want.

I’ve always maintained that couples should be able to openly share their sexual fantasies with each other without judgment. If one partner mentions he’d like to dress up as a Viking vampire and feed the other gourmet chocolate, it should be ok to at least mention that without being told he’s a freaking pervert. Having an “OMG, you’re so gross!” reaction says more about the person having that reaction than the person at whom it’s directed. Great sex is about honesty, authenticity and experimenting. However, there’s a huge difference between exploring something in a conversation and using it as a mutual fantasy or even acting it out. If you’re not into what your partner is suggesting, you don’t have to punish him for sharing it with you. You can just say no thanks. Everyone has their limits. Some people are uncomfortable doing it with the lights on. Others don’t lose their boners if you put them into a situation reminiscent of the SAW movies. (She said boner. *snort*). You, and you alone get to decide what you’re comfortable with and what you want to participate in or not. And you have absolutely no obligation to change those preferences. Allowing others to like what they like does not mean you have to participate.

Now that you understand that you have absolutely no obligation to change your preference or aversion to S&M, we can talk about what you can do if you do decide to make peace with it. If the mere idea of a bit of power play makes you feel ill, there is some resistance there. And that resistance could get in the way of you enjoying yourself fully in other areas of your life, which is the only reason you should consider releasing it (not because you owe it to anyone or feel judged, etc.).

The section where I talk about S&M

Some of you skipped right to this section, didn’t you? Yeah, you know who you are.

The term sadomasochism is widely misunderstood by many people. While there are extremes where partners inflict real pain and even damage to each other, the grand majority of aficionados aren’t actually into suffering. It’s much more about the illusion of giving up control. One partner, the “bottom”, pretends to give up control to the “top”. But in actuality, the bottom has all the power, gets to decide when things escalate or not, and when they stop. It’s much more a psychological game than a physical one with each person and couple having to find the perfect balance between pure fantasy and action for themselves. Usually, in S&M relationships, there’s a great deal of talking about limits and details before any action ever takes place. Both parties need to feel safe. Taking it just a tick too far can turn an experience from “best sex ever” to “I shall forever feel weird about you from this day forth” in a heartbeat, so all kinds of precautions are taken to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Even though the actual activities involved in this kind of sexual play can vary widely in form and intensity, it’s really all about control and taking it or giving it up in a safe way.

Exploring the resistance

What about the idea of this makes you uncomfortable? Perhaps you’re afraid of the pain. S&M games don’t have to be even a little bit painful. Tying someone to the bed with silk scarves and teasing them with a feather is an example of pain-free S&M (or, um, so I’m told…).

Perhaps you’re incredibly uncomfortable giving up control, even when you’re just pretending. This is a safety issue. Engaging in these kinds of activities requires a great deal of trust between partners. Do you trust your boyfriend that much? Do you have the ability to trust anyone that much? In that case, there are ways to make the fact that it’s “pretend” clearer (like tying knots so loosely that you could easily get out of them).

The sickness you’re feeling could also indicate that you have an issue with powerlessness. If you generally feel a bit powerless, then someone asking to take more control away from you will trigger that. You don’t have to like S&M, ever, but that would be an issue you’d want to address in general.

It could also just be as simple as left over puritanical thoughts about sex, but since you indicated that your libido was otherwise healthy and you enjoyed sex, this is less likely.

Why you may want to clear this

Here’s the thing: This event is a manifestation. You attracted a situation that triggered you. It’s not about the sex, it’s about the underlying issue that has been triggered. The goal here is not to turn you into a dominatrix. You are moving towards what you want, and as part of that journey, the obstacles to what you want are popping up. You attracted a boyfriend who mentions S&M to you, which causes a reaction in you. This is your indicator that there’s something you should be paying attention to. That’s it.

Ask yourself what exactly is causing the discomfort. Is it the giving up of control, the idea of one person inflicting pain on another, or something else?

Connect with that feeling and allow other memories that match it to show up. Look for a pattern. For example, if the issue is powerlessness, you may well discover some memories from your childhood that feel exactly like that, but that have nothing to do with sex. Remember, this is more about power and control than swinging from the chandelier. Figure out what this is really about and then find a better feeling way to look at THAT (not S&M, that’s kind of irrelevant. It was just the delivery mechanism for the trigger).

Once you clear the underlying issue, the trigger won’t be necessary anymore. You still may not want to engage in this kind of fantasy, but you won’t feel sick about it anymore. And, chances are very good that your boyfriend will back off about this. The only reason he’s in your face about it now is because he’s agreed on a soul level to mirror back your resistance to you, so you could pay attention to it and clear it.

Bottom line

(“Bottom.” *snort*) When something, anything, sex related or not, makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it. Then, either walk away from the trigger and accept that this is not something you ever want to expose yourself to (you are not required to like anything, or even be able to think about ANYTHING and feel good about it.) If you can successfully stay away from a trigger, that may be the best way to go. But, if you can’t, if it keeps popping up, then figure out what’s REALLY going on and clear that. Recognize that the trigger is not the issue – it’s just the delivery mechanism. Figuring out why you’re not comfortable with S&M, clearing that underlying issue, may not cause you to then become a big, old S&M superfreak. But the issue will gravitate out of your existence once the trigger is no longer necessary. Or, you may discover a new affinity for spurs and entertaining the cul-de-sac with enthusiastic cries of “Giddy up!” Just saying.

 

{ 46 comments }

Evan Griffith February 26, 2013 at 22:51

Melody –

I’m convinced you are the progeny of some kind of freakish science experiment gone right . . . where you are inexplicably the love child of Mata Hari, Gandhi, Mae West, Dr. Ruth and Oscar Wilde . . . .

Please live to 120 . . . to increase the merriment (and wisdom) on this earth all the longer –

Evan
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Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 20:51

LOL Evan. Thanks so much!! You know, I was going to make a joke about Dr. Ruth, but wasn’t sure if anyone would get the reference. He, he.

Sending you huge hugs!!

Melody
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Just call me A. February 26, 2013 at 23:18

Excellent, Mel.

“If you ignore your resistance and subject yourself to a situation that feels dangerous, guess what will happen? You’ll manifest bigger, more severe experiences (like being mugged) that will mirror that resistance back to you”. Wow. Lots of people ignore the inner being and just go along with things to their detriment. Thanks for this reminder.

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 20:52

You’re so very welcome A.! :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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josh February 27, 2013 at 00:19

Holy cow.
So if I were afraid of investing my money in Microsoft when it started trading because it was such a new technology then, there would have been a good reason?

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 20:53

Hey Josh,

That would’ve been your resistance. Easy to see in hindsight. But if you would’ve invested while being afraid anyway and didn’t shift your vibration, something would’ve happened that would’ve taken the stock away from you. You weren’t lined up with the result that buying that stock would bring you…

Does’t mean you can’t line up with it any time, though… :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Carole Remy February 27, 2013 at 01:09

Hey Melody, (rubs hands gleefully!)

Everything about sex is primal, which is why it’s so much fun to write erotic romance novels! I get to write about people’s deepest emotions, fears, and joys. Woohoo!

Healthy SM is all about anticipation and dread. It’s akin to the drop in the pit of your stomach before climbing on a roller coaster. It’s either fun or it isn’t.

As you say, everyone has different thresholds, and should respect their own and their partners. Put me three feet up a ladder, and I’ll have a panic attack. No trapezes, please! You make a really good point about exploring resistances to see if we want to let them go, or not. We all have genetically encoded resistances that vary by birthplace. Cool research, but drifting away from the SM theme…

Anyway, I linked the commentluv to a little teaser (PG rated), in case reading about SM makes anybody want a bit more…

Hugs,

Carole
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Veronica March 1, 2013 at 13:40

All I have to say is now when I read about the dog stories with the banner at the top that says “sexy fun erotic romance” I feel quite perverted as I’m often on the ‘net in public.
“sexy fun erotic romance”…… then a picture of a dog…… :-D I got the “weirdo” look more than a few times.
Have you considered how this juxtaposition could make innocent people that are just trying to enjoy an innocent round of sadomasochism look rather…demented?

The reactions of fellow internet cafe patrons were priceless, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart! :-) It gave me quite a good laugh!

Carole Remy April 24, 2013 at 04:32

Hi Veronica,

Oh lord, it took me forever to get back to you here! I’m so sorry. I was cleaning out my inbox of over 1000 unread messages and came across the link to your comment!

How funny! I hadn’t thought of the juxtaposition of a dog photo and sexy fun! I’m glad it gave you a laugh at the Internet cafe. Irony is, I keep the blog content PG. The word sexy at the top is about the sexiest thing on the page! Well, I’m glad you like the blog, and thank you for coming by. If you tried to comment before and couldn’t, hopefully that’s all fixed now.

Hug (and sorry again for the humungous delay!),

Carole

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 20:55

Thanks so much Carole! I like the roller coaster analogy. :)

Can’t wait to read your novels (am catching up, promise!)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Nay February 27, 2013 at 01:27

Snort, giggle, snicker, snort, snort!!!

Hilarious! I love just busting out laughing sometimes, and you do provide the means so often!!! Hahahaha :lol:

But besides the humor, you have made a point that is one I really needed to hear. If a trigger keeps popping up in your life, there is a reason, and that reason is resistance that could very well be keeping you from what you want in your life! That is so profound I can’t even give it enough cheers!!! (And yes, I know you have said this before, but it just really hit me this time. Hmmm; does this mean that maybe I don’t get it without a little S&M involved? *Snort* :) )

I have a couple things in my life that continue to trigger and seem to be increasing in occurances, so maybe I need to do a little work on them instead of trying to ignore them. Because ignoring them is obviously not working. And this post has made me think that the resistance to these is something that may be having a major impact on where I am wanting to go in general.

Thanks as always!

Nay

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 20:56

That’s a great insight, Nay! We do so often ignore stuff that just keeps repeating. But a pattern is always designed to get our attention. It works, too. Eventually… ;)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Karin February 27, 2013 at 01:33

“The only reason he’s in your face about it now is because he’s agreed on a soul level to mirror back your resistance to you, so you could pay attention to it and clear it.”

I love this!!!

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 20:57

Thanks Karin!!

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Me:-) February 27, 2013 at 02:00

You had a line in there that just hit me. You said, “ask yourself what exactly it is causing you the discomfort.”. My boyfriend and I just got into an argument last night cause I found porn on his computer. I watch porn when he’s not with me too, but the weirdest thing is that when he does it, I feel extremely hurt, almost like he’s cheating on me. I sat here and tried to think why this bothers me so much, but I can’t get there. I can’t find the reason this hurts and let it go.

Catrice February 27, 2013 at 21:04

Me:).. I had the same exact situation, except I didnt argue with him about it. I knew it was stupid to feel this way, but I just tried to ignore it and he just started watching it more and more. Crazy thing is I kept finding out about it ( and I wasnt trying to) I felt very hurt, upset, and angry. Im thinking it bothers me soo much because It makes me feel like Im not enough or Im not as sexy as the women in the porn. Do you think maybe that could be why you felt this way.

Me:-) February 27, 2013 at 21:48

Hey catrice! Thanks for the camaraderie. Feels good. I know that I am not as sexy as the women in the porn- but I am sexy;-). I think you are absolutely right. In fact, I know you are. It’s not about him watching it, but that I am so insecure about myself. I am overweight and I’ve always wanted bigger breasts, which is his thing. So…. I know he wants me and his watching porn isn’t about that but rather about the exciting things it does for oneself ( I speak from experience;-)) I will now focus on how to feel good about myself and see where that takes me. Thanks again, Catrice!!!

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 20:58

My work here is done… :P

I love how you guys support each other!!!!

Huge hugs to you both!

Melody
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Sophie February 27, 2013 at 05:47

By golly!!! That was frickin’ hilarious!!!!! I can’t wait to read it again!!!!

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 20:59

Thanks Sophie! :)

Huge smooshy hugs,

Melody
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Marjorie February 27, 2013 at 19:07

This was a great post because a few nights ago I asked myself what the difference was between our intuition and the “monkey brain”. I read somewhere that we have a little voice in our head that sometimes just likes to mess with us. Paranoia, for example. That’s not our intuition but rather a safety/defense mechanism, right? Or perhaps it’s just the beliefs that we’ve had up until now popping up? Whatever it is, you seem to have cleared it up by saying that if it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it. Got it, thanks :)

Marjorie

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 21:00

You’re welcome Marjorie. Paranoia is just a practised thought, too. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Derrek February 28, 2013 at 11:41

Oh boy oh boy, a sexy-post. *cracks knuckles* *clickedy-clicks neck*

I think you nailed it *ba dumm tsss* …when you said it shouldn’t be done if it doesn’t feel right. But here’s the cool part: unlike many other life preferences, sex is something relatively easy to adjust to, and that’s because there’s just so many ways to be satisfied and a million ways to reach a earth-shattering orgasm. Remember, the effect on the brain is the same. If you can find ways to reach that orgasm and release a similar level of dopamine in the brain, it really doesn’t matter if he / she gets the S&M or not. Fantasies can be changed depending on which scenario gives him / her the best “Oh GOD” moment.

The easiest way to understand a partner is knowing what really ignites that inner Hornswoggle in them. And there’s no easier way of finding out than by sharing porn. I’m not even kidding. I was open with my gf about porn within the first 6-weeks we met and we’d actually watch some stuff together. Little things like “This looks fun” and “That’s weird” will tell you exactly what they’re into. The whole “porn is filthy and girls don’t watch” is such an old way of thinking. Girls watch. Oh sweet tap-dancing Jesus, do they ever! But, if your partner isn’t into sharing the filthy-viddies, communication is your best bet.

But yes, absolutely do not turn sex into a chore. It’s way too good for that. I just want to know one thing, though.

…Who told you about the Viking costume and the chocolate, Melody??!!

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 21:02

Hey Derrek!

Thanks for adding the male perspective. :)

Did you not know that I’ve hacked into your webcam? You filthy, filthy monkey…

Ha!

Hugs, but only after you take a shower,

Melody

Saurabh Sisodia February 28, 2013 at 16:51

what is S&M

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 21:03

Sadomasochism.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadomasochism

Now you can’t say I never taught you anything, he, he. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody

Dee March 1, 2013 at 02:29

I love new beginnings so I am always very excited to try new things, but I haven’t always been that way. I remember when I was very very reluctant to try sushi the first time. Being a rather picky eater I was sure I would vomit, but I had a lot of peer pressure to try it so I did. I LOVED IT!! Then I was very hesitant to try a body massage as I got almost sick to my stomach just thinking about being rubbed on by a stranger! But when my son gave me a spa visit, I went, and I LOVED IT!! I remember the first time my husband wanted to add a vibrator to our lovemaking. I was very upset but we tried it and guess what….I LOVED IT!!Long story short, is that I have learned not judge before trying! You may miss out on some of the happiest moments of your life by not trying new things. We now have pink velco “restraints,” a blindfold and a feather tickler added to our S & M bedroom collection! My first reaction to any kind of change used to always be “NO!”but now I choose to try it first, and then I make a qualified decision if it’s right for me or not.

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 21:06

Hey Dee,

Thanks so much for sharing! Being open to new experiences is something that we can practice and work out way into. They key is to proceed slowly and gently and with loads of communication. If things get uncomfortable, the newbie partner has to be confident that they can stop any time. With these kinds of things, it’s hard to know what you’ll enjoy before giving it a try. Kind of like tasting food. Sometimes you just have to jump in there and taste it. ;)

Huge hugs,

Melody

Veronica March 1, 2013 at 04:41

Vibrationally… (no not that kind of “vibration”) what is the attraction for people who enjoy this?
What is the meaning of enjoying hard-core S&M (not plastic cuffs, feathers, or play-things of vanilla sex trying to be tough) but the serious S&M lovers that like things such as humiluation, true pain (bruises & cuts after sex) whips that aren’t covered in felt/cotton wool, people that truly enjoy being absolutely “degraded”, hurt, violent sex, and being spoken down to the entire time?
Is this just yet another thing like favorite color or scent that is assigned to us randomly- just a random preference?
Or is it a sign of a mental illness where people cannot enjoy sex without either being the submissive, humiluated person, or the person in control, inflicting pain and screams (screams of pain, not pleasure/fake pain)
What makes so many humans attracted to humiluation, power, pain, and associate this with sexual pleasure?
When did this become a part of the way humans are?

I don’t pose this as a psychological question, but a spiritual one. (we all know the psychological reasons why this is attractive)

Derrek March 1, 2013 at 08:26

Hi Veronica,

Before I chip-in my two cents, you should know that S&M isn’t something I’d fancy even as a fantasy, but I think I can understand why some people do.

I think at its core, the person being dominated experiences a kind of (kinky) freedom that’s unlikely to occur in other forms of sex. Mix that freedom with the euphoric nature of sex and it’s almost blissful. Some people don’t care for this sensation so S&M never crosses their mind, but some people crave it, and S&M is the only way they’ll get it. It’s a very unique dynamic, really. One person in the couple / group holds a position of absolute power and authority while the other(s) have nothing. Their entire bodies are at the mercy of trust and love and if those two are absent, then just fate…I guess.

Think about it; If someone willingly allows themselves to be dominated, and knows that there will be true physical pain involved, the only real thing they can do in the process is surrender to every form of “punishment” the dominant-one has in store. In their own way, it’s a kind of freedom.

If you look at real-life scenarios (as opposed to ones in porn), the people who fancy S&M are generally people of power in their “public lives”. Some of these men / women hold such high corporate positions and huge responsibilities that after a while it weighs down on them. The feeling of being constantly responsible fuels their fetish for being completely powerless (with consent of course). This isn’t always the case, but it’s one of the common scenarios.

S&M is one of the few sexual activities that’s way more psychological than most others. While a lot of people see it as a completely carnal, physical game, there’s a lot more going on behind the scenes that explains why people like being put in such positions of helplessness. That ability to turn pain into pleasure or ‘enjoy’ both together is interesting, to say the least.

Hope that helped. :)

Veronica March 1, 2013 at 13:12

Derrek,

A great psychological explanation- however I think you missed the point of my question. The psychological explanation I am MORE than aware of…(see my below comment…)
I want to know why the soul wants this vibrationally. That is very different and on a deeper level than thrills, release, power-play, carnal things…there is a soul level here as well.
I want to understand the vibration of it. A good way to demonstrate what I am getting at— we know say a small child handing us a flower could make us smile or happy—then there would be a psychological explanation for it—there would also be the unseen chemical explanations that explain what is going on in the mind on a medical level—then there is also the vibrational level where the answers are very different to the psychological answer.
Vibrationally someone could be attracting gifts that came in the form of the child with the flower because they wanted to feel like X. But there could be another reason like they were attracting the flower, or the child, or the smile, or just human connection.

And to a bigger extreme as far as people that can’t really get off without it. I was curious if that is resistance in itself–I’m not really talking about the fun and control of it.

There’s something bigger going on when the best fantasies for someone are the ones where they are humiluated/dominated. This could also include things outside of S&M…to take it a step further way out of the realms of shiny puppies (don’t look this up kids under 18…) such as golden showers, cuckold husbands and such.

There is a vibrational reason that is bigger than psychology. Psychology would say it is thrilling, it is taboo, it is a release of control..etc…but vibrational reasons are different..I can’t explain.
It could even be as deep as someone experiencing abused/hit alternated with hugged as a child, and therefore romantic love is alien and the only way they understand or feel loved is when pleasure is mixed with pain.

I want to know if true suffering humiluation and such in sex is just a harmless fetish or if someone were to get over their traumas would it suck the fun out of such games and ruin the fetish for them?
Would a well-adjusted man still want to be cuckold, would a happy woman truly want to be totally degraded in the full-on S&M instead of being told “I love you”

That’s pretty deep but I’ve always wanted to know.

Derrek March 1, 2013 at 23:57

Hey Veronica,

Deep, deep stuff. But I think that’s what I was getting at with my point on “freedom”. I think there are two scenarios here. One is where a person is attracting freedom via dominance ie they crave freedom but vibrationally are in a place of ‘surrender’ and ‘powerlessness’. The other is them just deliberately attracting it.

Your example of a person only knowing love “the hard way” puts it perfectly as well.

I think this really relates to a post Melody had earlier about someone wanting to leave her husband for another man; something that would cause a whirlwind of emotion and heartache for everyone involved. In a similar sense, she craved a certain emotion but vibrationally was in a place where she could only attract it by causing a potential mess in her household.

What you said is really interesting because I guess you’re right…where do you have to stand vibrationally to attract pain as well as pleasure at the same time? I can only assume that they either completely enjoy it (even the painful parts) or they just enjoy the feeling of surrender, but are willing to put up with the “inconveniences” just to get there.

Come to think of it, they don’t really have to be “vibrationally-damaged” at all. If you can enjoy certain kinds of pain and attract the kind of sex you want and let go of ego and pride and public status and all authority and power, doesn’t that actually put you higher up on the vibrational scale? These people are really finding ways to enjoy themselves (or just doing it by default) in what would be painful situations for most.

I’d love an answer to this as well. You really got me thinking here. Thank you for that! :)

Veronica March 2, 2013 at 10:46

Thank you Derrek!

Yes I really think both our answers really did this a lot of justice. Some people just wouldn’t understand why this is more than sexual pleasure and what a deep meaning this could have.

Your description of freedom is beautiful.

There’s also a crude similie I could offer. The feeling of sheer relief and elation you get after having a severe sicknes where you vomit, it hurts, it’s so painful, you wish you could stop, but your stomach contracts again and again. There you are stuck in your bathroom regretting being born.
Then suddenly it finally all comes out, and the relief afterwards, a nice hot shower…. is amazing.
I use this example because “throwing up” is a way of moving negative emotion. That’s why I think it happens during some ceremonies or after too much drinking. All those vibration altering substances.

I could imagine this is what it feels like while being whipped or hurt in some way. Like all the bad feelings that person has to live with is being flogged, emancipated out of their body.
They are left with a tingling and pain on the skin. They might scream or cry–it could be cathartic.
Then it’s topped off by sexual pleasure, no wonder it is some kind of mecca of sex.
It could be like some kind of “exorcism” as such followed by an orgasim.

In that case they are not vibrationally damaged.

Yes, I am also extremely curious about what Melody has to say about all this. Especially the ones that can’t reach climax without it, especially the most humiluating and painful of acts/words.

I greatly enjoyed this conversation.

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 21:12

Hey Veronica,

Well, I don’t think it’s a mental disorder.

I think with mild S&M, people can experience pain as pleasure when they get turned on enough.

When people get into heavy S&M, where the pain is severe and real, I think it’s a way of connecting with and sometimes processing emotions that they otherwise don’t allow themselves to feel. For example, if someone has deep shame that they’re suppressing, they may feel good addressing that shame by being punished for not being good enough. This is a simplistic explanation of course, and nowhere near the only reason someone might be attracted to being beaten, but it’s one possibility.

A lot of very powerful men go to dominatrices. They carry so much responsibility and enjoy totally giving up control for a change. If someone who has a lot of responsibility doesn’t believe he deserves it or can truly handle it and lives with a lot of fear, literally suffering the “consequences” of that fear could be cathartic.

I believe that these severe interactions are a way to access and process emotions. This is why the most repressed societies tend to have the, um, weirdest sexual manifestations.

I hope that makes sense.

Huge hugs!

Melody

Veronica March 3, 2013 at 22:14

Hi Melody,

Interesting what you said about shame.

Have to admit Derrek & I actually seemed to touch more on the areas that I was getting at!

I don’t think it is a mental “disorder” either. I was just wondering in regards to the humiluation aspect this topic can diverge to. (not s&m but a branch off to the side, things like golden showers or being sworn at, really degrading stuff, cages, gimps, you know, pet play—I’m using extreme examples I don’t resonate with to magnify my point)
Is that about shame too? Or women that like their hair pulled and called names? (more common)
What would it mean if they couldn’t really climax without it?
Would a happy woman truly want to be totally degraded in the full-on S&M instead of being told “I love you”

I was just wondering if people didn’t have traumas or emotions to work through, would the fetish be spoiled for a “well adjusted” person?

As for the dom…well you and Derrek both mentioned the stererotype of people in power wanting to give up power, and powerless people in life being the ones in power in the bedroom.
That can be true, but it’s just as often the more confident one will be the dom. There are many mousy submissives that are just as powerless in real life.
In that case it’s more confusing and I think something deep is going on there.

What is the dom getting out of this?

We’ve mostly covered how cathartic it can be for the sub to work through issues and sensations in a more socially acceptable place (you can’t cry, yell and be beaten under normal circumstances–that’s why it comes up in the privacy of sex)

Some doms have a true need for control, and they are very serious about this. That is the only reason I know of. Anger, and control, and needing to control someone in a situation where it is acceptable.
Do you think I’m right?

Veronica March 3, 2013 at 22:28

I’ve also heard of people on one hand being trumatized by a rape/abuse, but on the other hand they can only get off in certain positions that are eerily similar to the attack! (just with a better, loving person!)

I read a few stories about this, and you’d think you’d want nothing to do with that.

Why do all these issues come out in sex? Even horror movies seem to know human like gory things mixed with the sensual.
Notice how most movie-murder victims are scantily clad females terrified for their lives?
This is a “issue” I think. How it all gets mixed up with sex-that I’d like to understand.

Thank you so much for giving me the platform to go there too.

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 22:38

Hey Veronica,

Well, it’s not so simple, is it? One person’s motivation for being a dom is not going to be the same as another’s. One person’s shame will not manifest the same as another’s.

I think a lot of this has to do with people giving themselves permission to feel things, it’s a kind of surrender (on both sides), which is what the orgasm is, too. And just like in other circumstances, we can demand some pretty twisted requirements before we’re willing to allow ourselves to feel good. How many of us “punish” ourselves for years by staying in situations that feel horrible in order to get the pay-off we think we can then finally allow ourselves to deserve? I think this is just a form of that…

What does the dom get out of it? Well, I suppose power, control, as well as the satisfaction of helping someone successfully release some emotions. I would imagine that the energetic interplay would be quite interesting in those situations. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody

Derrek March 4, 2013 at 07:44

Very interesting, actually. I guess this is one of those situations where a potentially painful experience can be completely deliberate and truly wanted. Some cases could be due to repressed emotions and the pain could be a manifestation of something “negative”, while in others the same pain could be exactly what the person wanted, in which case, it’s a manifestation of something “positive” and the product of a well-aligned vibrational pattern. Woah.

This has really been a thought-provoking question. Very cool. Still, the 15-yo me is begging me to stop ruining his porn by over-analyzing it. :p

Veronica March 5, 2013 at 13:35

Stop ruining your porn huh?

Well are you single? Are you attractive? Articulate? Over 18? Well?

If your not single you don’t need porn, just ask your lady.

If you are single well, why don’t you manifest an orgy already. Are you straight? Bi? Would having other men around be an issue? Does it bother you to cross swords?

Are you feeling lucky punk?

Is this blog funny enough now? :-)

Veronica March 5, 2013 at 13:36

*you’re

Veronica March 1, 2013 at 05:02

It had to be said-
“Tying someone to the bed with silk scarves and teasing them with a feather is an example of pain-free S&M”– That is NOT S&M. That is just normal sex and silly fun.

“Engaging in these kinds of activities requires a great deal of trust between partners.”-that is one of th points of the experience. If it’s all fake, and an illusion, there’s no real trust or love there. When there is true truse, you can have those cuffs made of steel, and you know that they will do the right thing.

The terms “top” & “bottom” are not always used. These terms are more popular in the gay community.
Most “bottoms” prefer to be called “submissives” rather than a “bottom”

If we’re going to go into this topic, we have to get it right! ;-)

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 21:16

Hey Veronica,

I beg to differ. :) Tying someone to a bed is a form of bondage. I can be light fun or it can be more severe. It becomes S&M when the psychological aspect of giving up power comes into play (which is may not, depending on how tight the restraints are). But even if someone is just pretending to be tied in a way that they can’t get out of, that would still be S&M.

Of course, what’s normal for some is outrageous to others. :)

You’re right, top and bottom are not always used, but are not incorrect. And, they happen to be the funniest terms available. ;)

Huge hugs,

Melody

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 21:17

As I ended this comment, I looked at the “SUBMIT” button in a whole new light… LOL!

Derrek March 4, 2013 at 07:37

Ha! :D

Sofia Wren March 21, 2013 at 03:46

I like your response to this question. Like many intuitive, sensitive, and empathetic people I have spent a lot of time treating relationshps like a tightrope act. Stray too far from what is desired and expected means I will drop off. I am happy to say that stepping off the tightrope and onto solid group by giving greater legitimacy to what is right for me is always best. If there is any discomfort about sexual requests, better to not. Better to talk about it. It may seem like someone is meant to be but if the sexual needs are not a match, its not going to work out—sex is what makes lovers different from friends. It is ok to step back into being friends if needs cannot be fulfilled wholeheartedly. Doesnt mean there is anything wrong with the people, just the match.

The only thing I would say is erroneous about this post is that sadism and masochism are not the same as dominance and submission. When you spoke about the dynamic having to do more with control than inflicting pain, you were referring to dominance and submission or D/s not S/m. The two practices are related which is why people bulk them into BDSM with other fetishes, but specifically sadism does involve inflicting pain. If that was someone’s thing, emotional or physical pain would need to be part of the play. Alternately, if Dominance was someones thing, a masochist wouldn’t necessarily be a good partner as they might resist giving up control because what they really want is to rebel so someone will hurt them for being bad. That would not give someone control so that would be a mismatch!!

Klaus March 21, 2013 at 12:13

Hi Melody,

thank you for this great article! There were some things that really, really made me think.

Quote: “Forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do, something that doesn’t feel good, will NEVER lead to a wanted outcome.”

After reading this sentence, I realised I so often do things I actually don’t want to do, but grit my teeth and force myself to go through them! Believing that old false belief that one has to face one’s fears in the worst or endure discomfort in the lighter cases I actully harmed myself even more! I am following Abraham’s teachings for quite a while now but this one sentence finally gave me an insight on how I am living at times.

I think sometimes we/I have to hear something just a little differently or in a another context to get a grasp on it. Initially I wanted to skip this article completely, but then I decided otherwise. Thank God! :)

Quite often the issue isn’t actually the real issue (something I learned from my EFT studies). And if I understand correctly, resistance will show up as bigger manifestations with time until it gets finally released.

The countless times I forced myself swimming in natural lakes (love swimming pools, though) just to be “normal”! What a relief to have the option of not doing it AND not feeling guilty, or like a whimp etc. That is so empowering and an absolutely awesome feeling! :) (Still, I would like to go for the odd swim now and then, as my girlfriend is a real “fish” and there a so beautiful possibilites around where we are living. Perhaps someday…)

Thanks for your awesome work and articles, Melody! :)

Greetings from Austria,
Klaus

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