Coaching Call #037 is out today. The topic of today’s call is: Learning To Set Boundaries With Men.
This client felt unable to set boundaries with people and especially men after having gotten out of particularly nasty relationship. We covered a lot of ground on this very emotional call, including setting boundaries in general, saying no to sex when you don’t feel ready, some major differences between nice guys and douchebags (which should be obvious to us but sadly often aren’t due to a fear of being seen as a bitch) and giving ourselves permission to honor how we truly feel.
I’ve addressed the process of visualizing several times in the past, but it seems that this is one subject that just can’t be covered enough. If you’d like to get a better overall understanding of what visualization is and how to use it most effectively, check out these past posts:
- How to Visualize – The Secret to What Visualization Really Is
- Dear LOA: How Specific Should I Get In My Visualizations?
- Quick LOA Questions Volume 6 – Visualizing and Manifesting
Her brain keeps screaming “This is a Lie!!!”
Awesome Cheryl asks: “I’ve been practicing this for years, and one of my biggest problems is visualization. Everyone says that visualization is almost essential to manifestation, but my big issue is “suspension of disbelief” – in other words, I can’t pretend something is true without my brain screaming “THIS IS A LIE!” at me. This extends to all parts of my life (I can’t even enjoy sci-fi or fantasy movies.) It is ingrained and I can’t change it.
Someone suggested that I use the theory of alternate planes/universes/realities to circumvent this problem. This makes some sense to me – rather than pretending that I am a sexy billionaire philanthropist in my current reality, where I live with my in-laws and still have all my baby weight. Instead, I access alternate realities where different choices and circumstances have already made those things true.
Do you have any advice for using this method? Is it wise, or will I run into another trap (“this is true for other realities, but not this one” etc.)?”
Hey Awesome Cheryl,
I covered the alternative reality theory in my post on Schroedinger’s Cat. Of course you can practice the idea that you can jump into a different reality any time you like. But, I suspect that you, personally, will run into a bit of trouble with that. If you can’t even enjoy a Sci-Fi movie, I’m guessing your mind is incredibly analytical and focused on your current reality, and just will not accept anything it doesn’t have physical evidence for.
I suggest you use a different tactic: Focus on what you want and understand that even though you, in your current state, aren’t quite there yet, you’re on your way. You’re moving towards what you want. The main point of such exercises is to take your focus off the fact that RIGHT NOW, you are not where you want to be. The more you focus on that fact, the more you keep yourself stuck right where you are. So, the goal is to get you to focus on something that feels better (and is therefore more aligned with what you want). If focusing on what you want doesn’t feel good, then you simply need to focus a little differently.
Placing your focus on the journey, on the idea of the journey, on the feeling of being on the way, is a good compromise. For example, if you want to lose weight, it may not make you feel good at all to try and think of yourself as already thin. Every time you look in the mirror, your brain screams “But you’re not thin!” Every time your clothes feel tight, your brain says “See?! You’re still fat!” But it can be easier to get into the feeling of “I’m losing weight. I’m on my way. I’m getting thinner and thinner each week…” Do you feel the difference? Your brain will have a harder time arguing with you on the fact that you’re progressing, and your focus is still off the current, unwanted reality.
Can someone steal my lover if they visualize hard enough?
Awesome Bret wants to know: “I came across your blog post about attracting a specific person. I agree with you that we can attract a specific person (the essence of what we are looking for just like when we specify a car color we want), but unlike attracting a Black Audi A5, I can’t attract Angelina Jolie specifically, but the essence of who she is [Clarification from Melody: actually, the essence of what she represents to you. You have no idea what she’s really like].
But I am in a bit of a jam with this understanding. Let’s say I fall in love with this particular woman and I desire her, let’s call her Jen; I understand that she can’t be mine unless she’s on the same vibration as me and if she believes what I believe [That’s not quite accurate. She has to be a match to the experience you want to have. She does not have to believe what you believe, unless that’s part of what you want and you are a match to that].
But now let’s say that I define who I am looking for without being specific about an actual woman (Jen) and I vibrate the description of who I am looking for (loving, positive, happy person). But let’s say the first few women I come across are not interested in dating as they are taken or are in a committed relationship, but are a match on some things. And that must mean that there is a match somewhere. Now let’s say I met someone who is taken but I really loved her, let’s call her Apri; can I still do affirmations and set the belief that I will have April?
I am asking this because I am scared somebody would do this to somebody I am in love with so sort of want to get clarity on this so I can stop worrying about it as worry is not a good thing with the LOA.
Am I worrying too much about this?”
Dear Awesome Bret,
Yes, you are worrying WAY too much about this. Let me clarify a few things:
Do you want to fall in love with an unavailable woman? I’m guessing, not really. So, her being available is ultimately part of what you want, right? The only reason you’d attract someone almost perfect but not available to you (married, in a relationship, in a different geographic area), would be because you’re not quite yet a match to what you want. The unavailability of them allows you to get part of the experience, but not the whole enchilada. They’re in your reality and yet just out of reach.
Second, just because you’re in love with her, doesn’t mean she’ll instantly fall in love with you. Unrequited love is another barrier that can show that you’re not ready. Now, what if you lined up with what you really want fully (by focusing on what you want, not a specific person)? Would Unavailable April become available? Possibly. If she was in a relationship that didn’t quite match what she wanted either, and meeting you allowed her to recognize that and grow into what she truly wanted, then yes, she could become available.
If, however, April was happily ensconced in her relationship and she and her guy were a match to what each of them truly wanted, you’d barley be a blip on her radar. She would be significant to you, but you would not be as significant to her (or not in the same way). You might even help her grow and fine tune what she wanted, but it would be far more likely that it would bring her closer to who she’s already with than you, the new guy. In other words, if April wasn’t a total match to what you wanted, she may well only be there to show you that you’ve still got some work to do, NOT because she’s “the One”.
Whether or not someone can be “stolen” away has to do with how happy they currently are. Whether or not someone can be “stolen” away from you, has to do with your vibration. If you are constantly worried that your partner could leave you or be enticed away, then you’re insecure about your relationship and almost certainly yourself, in general. If that fear is so strong that it will manifest, then no one needs to steal her away. She’ll leave one way or another. This would be due to the fact that you would no longer be a match to what you want, though, and not because someone else visualized her away from you.
No one can steal someone or something away from you. Things and people move into and out of your reality due ONLY to your vibration, what’s a match to it and what’s not. The other person, who may appear to be taking the object of your desire away is only the method by which that something will leave your reality.
So, you know, chill out a bit. No one can steal your love away from you. But you can stop being a match to her and how it feels to be around her by worrying about her being stolen (and not giving her the credit that she’s her own person with a say in all this, instead of some mindless robot who can be enticed away from what she wants by the siren call of someone else’s vibration…).
How to handle doubts that come up during visualization
Awesome Donna asks: “If your intuition is telling you strongly that something you want is definitely the right thing for you, how do you stop the nasty little doubts that still creep in? In my case, it’s a man. I visualize the future and try to weed out the negativity. Sometimes I feel such a rush of certainty that things will work out, it’s scary in its intensity. However the highs I feel make the low moments very low indeed. I have other concerns and manage to keep a very positive view in how they will turn out, even with a bank balance of virtually zero. I know I won’t starve and one day I’ll be rich, ha! But how do I keep an even keel with the love thing?!”
Dear Awesome Donna,
Visualization is a great tool to help you line up with what you want. When doubts come up during a fantasy session, it’s a good thing – you now have the opportunity to shift the offending thought by finding a better feeling perspective. I went through this process in great detail in this post (check out the table).
So, let’s say that you’re visualizing being with this man. It feels mostly good. But then, you realize that you have this assumption that it’s not going to work out quite the way you want. Perhaps you see him pulling away, becoming distant, etc. Well, now you’ve got some work to do.
First, figure out what you really want. You’re after a feeling, ALWAYS, so look for the core feeling you want. I’m guessing you want to feel secure, safe and loved. So, if you see him pulling away, it makes you feel insecure, unsafe and rejected. While you want safety, you have a fear, an assumption, that you won’t get it.
Second, change the visualization until it feels more like security and safety, but in a way that makes sense to you. So, you might try seeing him telling you that he’ll never leave you. But, that might not feel realistic. Plus, your brain may argue that he could be lying and how would you know? So, you could try going way into the future, and seeing the two of you having grown old together, wrinkly and happy and looking back on your lives. The worries of the past are irrelevant. Is it easier to feel safe and secure now?
Basically, you’ll want to figure out what your doubts are causing you to want to feel and then change the visualization through trial and error until you’re able to achieve a better feeling. Try taking the visualization into to the future (it creates distance and will often trigger less resistance). Change the man in your visualization to a generic one. Visualize safety and security in a way that has nothing to do with romance – just go for the feeling in general (feeling the love and support of the Universe flow through you, seeing yourself as a small child being held and protected, imagining yourself in a bubble of white, protective light, can all be ways to achieve this feeling. Or not). Only you can know if a particular visualization is working for you. If it isn’t, change it until it does.