Awesome Dudette asks: “So I guess my question is about following your heart. And following what you feel God is telling you even though it seems a lot of people will have a hard time and be hurt by it.
For instance, what if you are married to a good man who provides for you and is madly in love with you and you have a child together but for some reason or another you never loved him. You made a mistake and married for all the wrong reasons because you didn’t know better at the time. Sure you were loving and committed but you never “loooved” him, ya know. You gave it everything you could for years but you found yourself always succumbing to searching for that soul mate out there somewhere. Then you meet somebody who sweeps you off your feet and the love comes so naturally. You feel he is your soul mate.
You want to be with this person but it creates its own set of obstacles because he’s not exactly someone most people would approve of you being with. Let’s say he’s married himself and is very close to the family. But still deep down you feel he was made for you and you for him. You wouldn’t be together until the current marriages were ended, but if you both feel it’s right and okay to be together in the future, is this okay because you’re following your heart? Some will accept it and approve but most will have a very difficult time with it. You feel that your love is special and strong enough to endure the hard times that are sure to ensue, but people will get hurt. Is this true love or two people being selfish? Can you use LOA to encourage people to accept your desired relationship and be accepting and less hurt or even totally okay with it?”
What a juicy, juicy question! It goes right to the heart of everything I teach: Are we willing to follow our own hearts even when others don’t approve of us? Is our own happiness more important than what others think?
Is it ok to leave your husband, period?
In the post Should You Fix Your Dysfunctional Relationship Or Run Like Hell?, I explained how to tell if a relationship is salvageable, or not. I also introduced the point of view that the ending of a relationship isn’t a bad thing – it’s part of the cycle of nature. Everything ends. Everything dies. Everything transitions, morphs, changes, and evolves. And the idea that we can keep relationships from doing so is absurd. As is the idea that your partner has to give you a good reason, i.e. has to do something horrible to you, in order for you to have permission to follow a path that doesn’t include him, or at least not in the same way.
Let me ask you something: Do you think that your partner, who is a great person and deserves happiness (as we all do), is best served staying with a partner who doesn’t really love him? Or do you think he truly deserves someone who’s just as nuts about him as he is about them? “He hasn’t done anything wrong”, is not a good reason to sentence him to a lifetime of being married to someone who doesn’t really love him, never really loved him, and is going to feel guilty and deprived as long as she’s in the marriage. Who wants to spend the rest of their lives with someone like that?
Did YOU do anything wrong?
The above statement isn’t meant to make you (Awesome Dudette or anyone who identifies with her) feel like you’ve done something bad. You haven’t. You married a man who loved you. Perhaps you fell in love with the feeling of being loved. You almost certainly thought you loved him. You came together, had a beautiful child, and this relationship was the best you could create. And for a while, it was enough. But then you evolved. You acclimated and you raised yourself to a level where you could access a totally different kind of relationship. You let down your defenses and you manifested someone who REALLY rocked your boat in a way you didn’t even know was possible. The best you could create just got a whole lot better. In many ways, your relationship with your husband helped you get to the point where you were ready for the next level (and you helped him get to the next level, too, but that’s a discussion for another day).
You and your husband are not obligated to be unhappy for the rest of your lives because you got married or had a child. The idea that you should causes an incredible amount of pain for more people than can be counted. What a horrible and false belief!
Remember that you AND your husband are both on a path to happiness. Your individual paths brought you together for a while and it was great. But, as you are both evolving, your paths may be leading away from each other, which is ok, too. Most of the pain in these situations is caused by the belief that the only true path to happiness requires both parties to stay together, and that diverging paths will lead to darkness and doom for at least one partner. But nothing could be further from the vibrational truth! Forcing yourself or someone else to stay in a situation that doesn’t feel good will NEVER lead to happiness, only more misery.
Be honest about how you feel
The first and often hardest step in this LOA work is to be honest with yourself about how you feel. If you are not happy, you have to acknowledge that; otherwise, you’re just in denial. If you don’t really love your husband, you have to acknowledge that. If you want more, if you’re ready for more, you have to admit that, too. You don’t have to DO anything right away, but you have to be honest about how you FEEL.
You’ve manifested this man with whom you have this “soul mate” connection. He makes you feel things you didn’t know you could. Acknowledge that. But also acknowledge that this manifestation isn’t all positive. It’s reflecting back quite a bit of resistance. This man isn’t really available. Neither are you. There are kids and spouses involved. You both feel obligations and neither one of you wants to hurt anyone. You have a desire for harmony and yet, this situation is full of conflict and turmoil. Is this really what you want? I’m guessing no.
It’s about the feeling, not the man
It’s clear that you (and possibly this man, but I’m not talking to him, I’m talking to you) have a belief that it’s not entirely ok for you to get what you want, or even want what you want. So, you manifested the next level in the relationship category (awesome, dreamy, steamy feelings), but in a way that’s full of obstacles. You want those feelings, but you don’t want them THIS way.
Remember that what you’re REALLY after is feeling the way you do with this man, not necessarily the man himself. When you make that distinction, things get a lot easier. Focus on what you want (to feel this way) and not the package those feelings HAVE TO come in. Because guess what? Those feelings can manifest in your life WITHOUT the conflict and mess. You can have your cake AND eat it, but you have to be willing to see this situation from a larger perspective.
What are the options?
While I can’t list all the options open to you (they are infinite), it’s beneficial to explore the idea that you DO HAVE options.
Option 1: Right now, you’re probably thinking that you could leave your husband, destroy your family, become a social pariah, and live the rest of your life feeling horribly guilty. Your child may even end up becoming a stripper because of all the emotional damage you’ve done. Keep going down that train of thought and there’s no limit to the ridiculous and painful scenarios you can come up with. Outcome: Everyone is unhappy.
Option 2: Then, there’s the other extreme: You could just resign yourself to being unfulfilled for the rest of your life, stay in the marriage as it is, never tell your husband or child and play the martyr. Of course, your family will pick up on your unhappiness and they’ll probably blame themselves and will spend the rest of their lives trying in vain to make you feel better. Outcome: Everyone is unhappy.
If you’re like most people, these are the only two options you’ve been able to access, and both lead to doom. No wonder you’re feeling trapped! You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.
The good news is that these are NOT your only two options, they are simply the two extremes, like goal posts on opposite ends of the field. There are tons of options in the field between the posts that you can explore, and it’s your job to find the one that feels the best. You are not doomed to feel horrible no matter what. You’re supposed to feel good. So, let’s go hunting for a better feeling solution.
Option 3: Approach this issue vibrationally. Realize that what you’re REALLY after is the feeling, and that this manifestation isn’t yet exactly what you want. You’ve gotten one big piece of your desire (the steamy, dreamy feelings), but loads of what you don’t want. So, let’s figure out what you want instead (and I’m making tons of assumptions here, since I don’t have you here with me and can’t get your feedback, but you’ll get the idea).
|WHAT YOU DON’T WANT||WHAT YOU WANT INSTEAD|
|You don’t want to hurt your family.||You want your family to be happy. You want your husband to be loved and adored. You want your child to grow up feeling happy and healthy and knowing that true love, rip you out of shoes passion, and mutual adoration exist and aren’t just for fairy tales.|
|You don’t want to be a social outcast.||You want to feel good about your choices. True happiness includes being able to share your life with friends and family. You want to be happy in your relationship AND feel support from your personal community.|
|You don’t want to feel guilty.||You want to know that you’re a good person who hasn’t done anything wrong.|
|You don’t want to be responsible for messing up anyone’s lives.||You want to know that everyone is on their own path, and that you can’t mess it up for them. You can’t ensure their unhappiness, just as you can’t ensure their happiness. You want to know that your husband can and will find his own happiness, with or without you.|
|You don’t want to be stay in a loveless marriage.||You want to be married to someone who lights your fire. You want to wake up in the morning, look over and feel a wave of appreciation for this person so intense it makes you glad to be alive.|
|You don’t want to feel guilty. (Yes, I know I already listed this one, but it’s a BIG one).||You want to give yourself permission to be happy. You want to be strong and solid enough in your happiness, that what others think no longer matters. You can be happy with or without their approval.|
|You don’t want to be the bitch.||You want to know what you’re doing is the right thing, that it’s aligned with Who You Really Are and that it WILL lead you and everyone involved, who allows it, to joy.|
|You don’t want to be seen as selfish. You don’t want those around you to use what you’re experiencing as an excuse to feel bad.||You want people around you to understand that you’re moving towards your happiness. And as you do so, you want them to be inspired by how great you’re feeling. You want them to see that change doesn’t have to be ugly, evolution doesn’t have to be painful and that honoring our feelings and following our hearts will lead to the best possible outcome for everyone, if we let it.|
Notice that I never said: “You want to leave your husband”, because you don’t. Not necessarily. That would be something you might do to try and get what you want (in which case it’ll be ugly), or it might be something that you’re inspired to do once you’ve aligned your energy with what you want (in which case it’ll be mutual and amicable and win-win). I never said “You want to run away with this man and leave everyone behind.” Again, this is an action, and one loaded with tons of horrible feeling resistance, at that. I listed the things you REALLY want, and all of them should feel good to you.
If you focus on what you really want (your happiness, your husband’s happiness, your child’s happiness, feeling approved of, feeling desired, feeling lustful and steamy and dreamy, feeling strong, feeling successful, feeling joy), you won’t be contradicting what you don’t want. Your brain can’t argue with “I want my husband to be happy”, because you do. Now, it might try to tack on a contradiction: “Yes, but in order for him to be happy, you’ll have to stay and be unhappy”, but that’s just your brain trying to tell you that you have to choose between Option 1 and Option 2. We’ve already established that more options exist, even if you can’t see them all right now, rendering that line of argument invalid.
The HOW is not your problem
Your job is to focus on what you want and how you want to feel. You DO NOT (I’m putting this in all caps because I can’t repeat it enough) have to figure out how that will happen. You want to feel all gooey inside. And you want to manifest that in a way that feels good all around. You want your husband and child to be happy, and for this to ultimately be beneficial for all involved. So focus on that, and don’t worry about what might need to happen in order for that to come about.
Focus on the outcome, not the process. Don’t try to visualize how you might break the news to your husband, whether or not you’ll get divorced, or if you’ll get together with this particular man (which you may or may not do. He could just be a part of your manifestation, designed to trigger these feelings in you, but no more. Or he could be the guy you end up with). Focus on the life you want to have, on feeling passionate and in love, on seeing your husband feeling happy and grateful for his life, seeing your child well-adjusted and in a great relationship himself down the line. See yourself at the end of the process, where everything has worked out. Don’t try to figure out HOW you’ll get there.
Focus on your NOW
Once you’ve built your visualization, look for anything in your current reality that already feels the way you want to feel. You’re not looking for what must change, you’re looking for the positives that are already there. Make a list of all the amazing qualities your current husband has. You’re not trying to hold on to him, you’re matching up with the best reality you can. Make a list of reasons that your child is happy and how that’s demonstrated to you. Look for things that you are currently able to feel appreciation for. Notice passion wherever you see it. Notice happiness and joy. When you do see these emotions displayed, rejoice about the fact that they’ve shown up in your reality, NOT the fact that you’re not currently bathed in them all day. Focus on what you want more of, not what you’re afraid of. Take no action until you’re inspired to.
And when you are inspired, you’ll know what to do. Your reality will morph and shift to mirror back your new point of attraction, your new vibration. Your current husband could start to look a whole lot steamier to you. Or, the two of you may mutually decide that things aren’t working anymore and begin to drift apart (your husband may well wake up to the fact that he’s not happy, either). Another man, one who is more available to you may come into your reality, or you and this current man will become available to each other. In other words, what currently feels like a snake pit of entangled conflict, will unravel and clear up like magic.
Nothing has gone horribly wrong here. You’ve evolved, you’ve gotten a glimpse of the next level and now it’s your job to line yourself up with that level. All the discomfort you’re currently feeling is only an indication of the limiting beliefs you have – that you can’t have what you want, at least not in a way that feels good. Stop thinking that you have to sacrifice anything in order to be happy. You don’t. Just look for Option 3, or 4, or 265. The option for you to get exactly what you want is out there, and you can invite it to show its face by simply focusing ONLY on what you want and no longer on what you don’t want. When you do, when you consistently focus on the feelings you want more of in a way that feels truly good, the solution to this issue will present itself. And it’ll be elegant and perfect, just like the Law of Attraction itself.