Dear LOA: Is It Ok If I Leave My Husband For Another Man?

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by Melody Fletcher on February 12, 2013

 

Awesome Dudette asks: “So I guess my question is about following your heart. And following what you feel God is telling you even though it seems a lot of people will have a hard time and be hurt by it.

For instance, what if you are married to a good man who provides for you and is madly in love with you and you have a child together but for some reason or another you never loved him. You made a mistake and married for all the wrong reasons because you didn’t know better at the time. Sure you were loving and committed but you never “loooved” him, ya know. You gave it everything you could for years but you found yourself always succumbing to searching for that soul mate out there somewhere. Then you meet somebody who sweeps you off your feet and the love comes so naturally. You feel he is your soul mate.

You want to be with this person but it creates its own set of obstacles because he’s not exactly someone most people would approve of you being with. Let’s say he’s married himself and is very close to the family. But still deep down you feel he was made for you and you for him. You wouldn’t be together until the current marriages were ended, but if you both feel it’s right and okay to be together in the future, is this okay because you’re following your heart? Some will accept it and approve but most will have a very difficult time with it. You feel that your love is special and strong enough to endure the hard times that are sure to ensue, but people will get hurt. Is this true love or two people being selfish? Can you use LOA to encourage people to accept your desired relationship and be accepting and less hurt or even totally okay with it?”

What a juicy, juicy question! It goes right to the heart of everything I teach: Are we willing to follow our own hearts even when others don’t approve of us? Is our own happiness more important than what others think?

Is it ok to leave your husband, period?

In the post Should You Fix Your Dysfunctional Relationship Or Run Like Hell?, I explained how to tell if a relationship is salvageable, or not. I also introduced the point of view that the ending of a relationship isn’t a bad thing – it’s part of the cycle of nature. Everything ends. Everything dies. Everything transitions, morphs, changes, and evolves.  And the idea that we can keep relationships from doing so is absurd. As is the idea that your partner has to give you a good reason, i.e. has to do something horrible to you, in order for you to have permission to follow a path that doesn’t include him, or at least not in the same way.

Let me ask you something: Do you think that your partner, who is a great person and deserves happiness (as we all do), is best served staying with a partner who doesn’t really love him? Or do you think he truly deserves someone who’s just as nuts about him as he is about them? “He hasn’t done anything wrong”, is not a good reason to sentence him to a lifetime of being married to someone who doesn’t really love him, never really loved him, and is going to feel guilty and deprived as long as she’s in the marriage. Who wants to spend the rest of their lives with someone like that?

Did YOU do anything wrong?

The above statement isn’t meant to make you (Awesome Dudette or anyone who identifies with her) feel like you’ve done something bad. You haven’t. You married a man who loved you. Perhaps you fell in love with the feeling of being loved. You almost certainly thought you loved him. You came together, had a beautiful child, and this relationship was the best you could create. And for a while, it was enough. But then you evolved. You acclimated and you raised yourself to a level where you could access a totally different kind of relationship. You let down your defenses and you manifested someone who REALLY rocked your boat in a way you didn’t even know was possible. The best you could create just got a whole lot better. In many ways, your relationship with your husband helped you get to the point where you were ready for the next level (and you helped him get to the next level, too, but that’s a discussion for another day).

You and your husband are not obligated to be unhappy for the rest of your lives because you got married or had a child. The idea that you should causes an incredible amount of pain for more people than can be counted. What a horrible and false belief!

Remember that you AND your husband are both on a path to happiness.  Your individual paths brought you together for a while and it was great. But, as you are both evolving, your paths may be leading away from each other, which is ok, too. Most of the pain in these situations is caused by the belief that the only true path to happiness requires both parties to stay together, and that diverging paths will lead to darkness and doom for at least one partner. But nothing could be further from the vibrational truth! Forcing yourself or someone else to stay in a situation that doesn’t feel good will NEVER lead to happiness, only more misery.

Be honest about how you feel

The first and often hardest step in this LOA work is to be honest with yourself about how you feel. If you are not happy, you have to acknowledge that; otherwise, you’re just in denial. If you don’t really love your husband, you have to acknowledge that. If you want more, if you’re ready for more, you have to admit that, too. You don’t have to DO anything right away, but you have to be honest about how you FEEL.

You’ve manifested this man with whom you have this “soul mate” connection. He makes you feel things you didn’t know you could. Acknowledge that. But also acknowledge that this manifestation isn’t all positive. It’s reflecting back quite a bit of resistance. This man isn’t really available. Neither are you. There are kids and spouses involved. You both feel obligations and neither one of you wants to hurt anyone. You have a desire for harmony and yet, this situation is full of conflict and turmoil. Is this really what you want? I’m guessing no.

It’s about the feeling, not the man

It’s clear that you (and possibly this man, but I’m not talking to him, I’m talking to you) have a belief that it’s not entirely ok for you to get what you want, or even want what you want. So, you manifested the next level in the relationship category (awesome, dreamy, steamy feelings), but in a way that’s full of obstacles. You want those feelings, but you don’t want them THIS way.

Remember that what you’re REALLY after is feeling the way you do with this man, not necessarily the man himself. When you make that distinction, things get a lot easier. Focus on what you want (to feel this way) and not the package those feelings HAVE TO come in. Because guess what? Those feelings can manifest in your life WITHOUT the conflict and mess. You can have your cake AND eat it, but you have to be willing to see this situation from a larger perspective.

What are the options?

While I can’t list all the options open to you (they are infinite), it’s beneficial to explore the idea that you DO HAVE options.

Option 1: Right now, you’re probably thinking that you could leave your husband, destroy your family, become a social pariah, and live the rest of your life feeling horribly guilty. Your child may even end up becoming a stripper because of all the emotional damage you’ve done. Keep going down that train of thought and there’s no limit to the ridiculous and painful scenarios you can come up with. Outcome: Everyone is unhappy.

Option 2: Then, there’s the other extreme: You could just resign yourself to being unfulfilled for the rest of your life, stay in the marriage as it is, never tell your husband or child and play the martyr. Of course, your family will pick up on your unhappiness and they’ll probably blame themselves and will spend the rest of their lives trying in vain to make you feel better.  Outcome: Everyone is unhappy.

If you’re like most people, these are the only two options you’ve been able to access, and both lead to doom. No wonder you’re feeling trapped! You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.

The good news is that these are NOT your only two options, they are simply the two extremes, like goal posts on opposite ends of the field. There are tons of options in the field between the posts that you can explore, and it’s your job to find the one that feels the best. You are not doomed to feel horrible no matter what. You’re supposed to feel good. So, let’s go hunting for a better feeling solution.

Option 3: Approach this issue vibrationally. Realize that what you’re REALLY after is the feeling, and that this manifestation isn’t yet exactly what you want. You’ve gotten one big piece of your desire (the steamy, dreamy feelings), but loads of what you don’t want. So, let’s figure out what you want instead (and I’m making tons of assumptions here, since I don’t have you here with me and can’t get your feedback, but you’ll get the idea).

WHAT YOU DON’T WANT WHAT YOU WANT INSTEAD
You don’t want to hurt your family.  You want your family to be happy. You want your husband to be loved and adored. You want your child to grow up feeling happy and healthy and knowing that true love, rip you out of shoes passion, and mutual adoration exist and aren’t just for fairy tales.
You don’t want to be a social outcast. You want to feel good about your choices. True happiness includes being able to share your life with friends and family. You want to be happy in your relationship AND feel support from your personal community.
You don’t want to feel guilty. You want to know that you’re a good person who hasn’t done anything wrong.
You don’t want to be responsible for messing up anyone’s lives. You want to know that everyone is on their own path, and that you can’t mess it up for them. You can’t ensure their unhappiness, just as you can’t ensure their happiness. You want to know that your husband can and will find his own happiness, with or without you.
You don’t want to be stay in a loveless marriage. You want to be married to someone who lights your fire. You want to wake up in the morning, look over and feel a wave of appreciation for this person so intense it makes you glad to be alive.
You don’t want to feel guilty. (Yes, I know I already listed this one, but it’s a BIG one). You want to give yourself permission to be happy. You want to be strong and solid enough in your happiness, that what others think no longer matters. You can be happy with or without their approval.
You don’t want to be the bitch. You want to know what you’re doing is the right thing, that it’s aligned with Who You Really Are and that it WILL lead you and everyone involved, who allows it, to joy.
You don’t want to be seen as selfish. You don’t want those around you to use what you’re experiencing as an excuse to feel bad. You want people around you to understand that you’re moving towards your happiness. And as you do so, you want them to be inspired by how great you’re feeling. You want them to see that change doesn’t have to be ugly, evolution doesn’t have to be painful and that honoring our feelings and following our hearts will lead to the best possible outcome for everyone, if we let it.

 

Notice that I never said: “You want to leave your husband”, because you don’t. Not necessarily. That would be something you might do to try and get what you want (in which case it’ll be ugly), or it might be something that you’re inspired to do once you’ve aligned your energy with what you want (in which case it’ll be mutual and amicable and win-win). I never said “You want to run away with this man and leave everyone behind.” Again, this is an action, and one loaded with tons of horrible feeling resistance, at that. I listed the things you REALLY want, and all of them should feel good to you.

If you focus on what you really want (your happiness, your husband’s happiness, your child’s happiness, feeling approved of, feeling desired, feeling lustful and steamy and dreamy, feeling strong, feeling successful, feeling joy), you won’t be contradicting what you don’t want. Your brain can’t argue with “I want my husband to be happy”, because you do. Now, it might try to tack on a contradiction: “Yes, but in order for him to be happy, you’ll have to stay and be unhappy”, but that’s just your brain trying to tell you that you have to choose between Option 1 and Option 2. We’ve already established that more options exist, even if you can’t see them all right now, rendering that line of argument invalid.

The HOW is not your problem

Your job is to focus on what you want and how you want to feel. You DO NOT (I’m putting this in all caps because I can’t repeat it enough) have to figure out how that will happen. You want to feel all gooey inside. And you want to manifest that in a way that feels good all around. You want your husband and child to be happy, and for this to ultimately be beneficial for all involved. So focus on that, and don’t worry about what might need to happen in order for that to come about.

Focus on the outcome, not the process. Don’t try to visualize how you might break the news to your husband, whether or not you’ll get divorced, or if you’ll get together with this particular man (which you may or may not do. He could just be a part of your manifestation, designed to trigger these feelings in you, but no more. Or he could be the guy you end up with). Focus on the life you want to have, on feeling passionate and in love, on seeing your husband feeling happy and grateful for his life, seeing your child well-adjusted and in a great relationship himself down the line. See yourself at the end of the process, where everything has worked out. Don’t try to figure out HOW you’ll get there.

Focus on your NOW

Once you’ve built your visualization, look for anything in your current reality that already feels the way you want to feel. You’re not looking for what must change, you’re looking for the positives that are already there. Make a list of all the amazing qualities your current husband has. You’re not trying to hold on to him, you’re matching up with the best reality you can. Make a list of reasons that your child is happy and how that’s demonstrated to you. Look for things that you are currently able to feel appreciation for. Notice passion wherever you see it. Notice happiness and joy. When you do see these emotions displayed, rejoice about the fact that they’ve shown up in your reality, NOT the fact that you’re not currently bathed in them all day. Focus on what you want more of, not what you’re afraid of. Take no action until you’re inspired to.

And when you are inspired, you’ll know what to do. Your reality will morph and shift to mirror back your new point of attraction, your new vibration. Your current husband could start to look a whole lot steamier to you. Or, the two of you may mutually decide that things aren’t working anymore and begin to drift apart (your husband may well wake up to the fact that he’s not happy, either). Another man, one who is more available to you may come into your reality, or you and this current man will become available to each other. In other words, what currently feels like a snake pit of entangled conflict, will unravel and clear up like magic.

Bottom Line

Nothing has gone horribly wrong here. You’ve evolved, you’ve gotten a glimpse of the next level and now it’s your job to line yourself up with that level. All the discomfort you’re currently feeling is only an indication of the limiting beliefs you have – that you can’t have what you want, at least not in a way that feels good. Stop thinking that you have to sacrifice anything in order to be happy. You don’t. Just look for Option 3, or 4, or 265. The option for you to get exactly what you want is out there, and you can invite it to show its face by simply focusing ONLY on what you want and no longer on what you don’t want. When you do, when you consistently focus on the feelings you want more of in a way that feels truly good, the solution to this issue will present itself. And it’ll be elegant and perfect, just like the Law of Attraction itself.

 

{ 74 comments }

Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca February 12, 2013 at 19:54

Definitely one of the clearest, realest takes on ‘potential separation’ from a marriage I’ve come across.

Abe’d be proud ;)

I forwarded this to someone I’m coaching, and I know she’ll benefit from it :)

Keep ryzin’, Melody!
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Melody Fletcher February 14, 2013 at 19:27

Thanks Jason!!! I really appreciate the compliment and the referral. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Marjorie February 12, 2013 at 20:27

Oh! Em! Gee! Firstly, thank you Universe for MELODY! It’s funny how I usually get an early morning e-mail when there’s a new blog post. But yet, here it is right at the perfect time. Of course :D

I’ve been married for 5 years and we’ve had issues since then but I’ve always pushed through. For the FIRST time last week I noticed that I wasn’t very happy. I caught myself gazing at other men and finding them attractive–don’t think I’ve ever done that before. For a minute I actually asked myself, is he really the one for me?? We’ve been fighting like cats and dogs in front of the kids (I know, it’s really bad–the arguments just escalate without us even realizing it) and just yesterday I surrendered to the Universe because I don’t know what to do anymore but I do know I love my husband and his wonderful qualities. I also had an epiphany about the fact that I’ve been sabotaging myself by constantly having negative thoughts about my husband. I couldn’t stop myself. I know that I manifested the arguments due to my vibration and negative thinking but how do I stop them? Seriously, I was being bombarded with negative thoughts and caught myself every time but they’d just keep coming.

I’ve been working on deliberately shifting my focus generally and by making lists of appreciation but I guess what I want to know is…how long do I have to keep making the lists? It seems like a lot of work on my part when all I want is to be loved and happy. I absolutely want the same for my hubby too. I’m going to be reading this post over and over again. LOVE the table, thank you.

Love you, Melody!
Marjorie

Melody Fletcher February 14, 2013 at 19:31

Hey Marjorie!

Congrats on your epiphanies! Well, if it feels like hard work, you’re pushing through resistance. Are you trying to make those lists while you’re pissed off with your hubby? That’s not the right time. I’d say, meditate first (or do something you love, get into a higher vibration somehow) and THEN make the lists. Practice positive thoughts when you’re NOT being triggered. Do it when it’s easy to feel good and it’ll make it easier to find that vibration and recover when the doody does hit the fan.

Making the list should feel good after a minute or two. If it doesn’t, you’re either doing it at the wrong time (while in the wrong vibration), and/or you’re reaching too far. Getting into a high vibration on some other subject first will take care of both.

Huge smooshy hugs!!

Melody
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Just call me A. February 12, 2013 at 20:30

good vibrations…the Beach Boys and Marky Mark got that. Just follow the good feelings. Like the yellow brick road. I see it and feel it everywhere now!

This is applicable to many situations, especially with relatives who you do not choose but still need to deal with regularly. But that is another post.

Melody Fletcher February 14, 2013 at 19:32

So true A. You can apply these principles to just about any situation. That’s the beauty of LOA! :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody
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tony February 12, 2013 at 20:59

Hi there!

Melody, you know I appreciate your work but something stinks in the story and the smell is awful..

Did awesome Dudette state her age?

{“Let’s say he’s married himself and is very close to the family. But still deep down you feel he was made for you and you for him.”}
He won’t leave his family and awesome Dudette is one step before creating a huge mess. I hope you told her that.

Did she mention if the man is younger than her? It’s not unusual for men who stay in relationships for long to try to do something..let’s say.. more exciting… picking up vulnerable targets to boost their ego. At first they show a fake character to see if they can still play the game and then they return to safety. Because if they were still full time players they would have not chosen the vibration of a family. You can’t be overweight and skinny at the same time. It sounds like she met a weekend warrior (who might want to change but that does not mean he is capable of doing so right now, unless he is a full time irresponsible too).
Women, please, be careful of this stuff. If you can’t make persistently good decisions, don’t try to win the lotto at once. Let off your guard when you are desperate for attention and any wannabe lover worth his salt can persuade you he is the love of your life, just by keeping eye-contact and telling you things your husband does not even dare to speak. And on top he will say he is your friend and in the end he will encourage you not to leave your family. Guess why. That’s not love nor passion and if you are not discrete, things are about to get ugly, unless you are married to dalai lama himself and your child is a young buddha or baby Jesus.

Bottomline: meet someone when you are (most of the 24h) desperate for attention or bored to death, he is a match of desperation and boredom. Tomorrow the sun will rise, smoking is bad for the lungs, jumping from the roof is likely to get most of us killed or severely handicapped, the hot oven is bad for the skin, families exist for a reason and change occurs when our thinking changes (and I stop being so damn realistic not to get kicked with chocolate). :) cheers

Denise February 12, 2013 at 21:23

I must say i agree. That’s a little like my situation i had too (read below). My ex just dumped me, i made one comment to our mutual friend & he took it & ran w/ it, cos it came at a rocky point in his marriage, & guess what, it ended up going nowhere! Then after we hadn’t spoken for a few months he tried to stir things up again & i just had to put a stop to it. In a moment of weakness i left him a message asking to still be friends & he never responded, so just goes to show how NOT serious he was about our friendship let alone “affair”. We were just there for each other for a self-esteem boost & that’s all.

Melody Fletcher February 14, 2013 at 19:36

Wow Tony. What a dire view of men! ;)

Of course these types of men do exist, no question, but you have to be a match to them. But Awesome Dudette stated that she hadn’t ever really loved her husband. It’s possible that this man she met is really just a catalyst for her to really be honest with her feelings and that he’ll play no further role in her life. I do think I made that clear. It’s best to focus on the feelings and what we really want and not try to force that to come through someone specific, like this man. With that stance, we’re safe from players and weekend warriors. :)

We don’t to be on the constant lookout for danger if we line up our energy with safety.

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Carole Remy February 12, 2013 at 21:10

Wow, Melody! Out of the ballpark. Seriously.

I love how you present so many scenarios. It’s like we wear blinders some the time, and even when we realize there should be other paths, we just can’t see them. We need the Melody Lantern! Like Jason said, this is the best exploration of potential separation that I’ve ever read. Thank you!

Giant chocolate puppy hugs,

Carole/MC
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Melody Fletcher February 14, 2013 at 19:37

Thanks MC/LAS/CR (ha!)!!!

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Denise February 12, 2013 at 21:11

Oh wow! I was in almost this same situation 18 months ago! Only, my fiance at the time had just dumped me, & the “other man” was so wishy washy about leaving his wife (who was my FRIEND!) so i cut him off. I’m OVER him (it can be done) but i do miss our friendship & the way he made me feel so i had come to the conclusion on my own i wanted to find someone to make me FEEL like that, but not him. That and my psychic told me that if he left his wife for me it would create a huge karmic debt (i know, that bad word karma!) that i would have to repay her over lifetimes. I am now convinced i don’t have to repay her because i got real fat & am on the road to financial ruin so i’m no longer appealing to her husband LMAO! I AM however happy being single & when i’m ready my feel-good prince will come!

Alice February 13, 2013 at 02:51

Sounds like a good choice.

You don’t want a man that is like that. It’s kinda wimpy! :-) (sorry I know he was a friend)
It’s like he can’t be bothered to make it work with his wife, but he also can’t be bothered to make a proper choice.
He had one foot in and one foot out. In that way he wasn’t committed to either woman!

It is also a bad “omen” for a new relationship if the person you start it with had to cheat or leave someone else to be with you. Who knows in future if you would be the next woman he would get bored with?

I do think the psychic was a little harsh, it’s not like YOU are the one cheating, and you weren’t trying to get him to cheat, just get him make a choice to leave or stay.
But I get where she’s coming from, seeing you don’t know if she’d get hurt by all this or not.
Lifetimes of debt is a little extreme. But as a friend you’d sure feel guilty. Not worth it!

On the point of you being broke and put on weight…. that is sad, and don’t see it as punishment or something like that—that’s way too mean to yourself!

Wishing you well!

Melody Fletcher February 14, 2013 at 19:40

Hey Denise,

Don’t worry about a Karmic debt, there’s no such thing. Unless, of course, you keep beating yourself up with guilt, then you are creating your own karmic debt…

You can have the friendship and excitement again, but not from this man. But it sounds to me like a whole lot of beliefs have been triggered (weight gain is often a form of protection), and it’s time to work through some emotions. And you’re right, when you’ve cleaned up enough of that, not only will you attract a new guy, but one that is much closer to what you really want! :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Marc August 26, 2013 at 11:02

@Melody
“It’s possible that this man she met is really just a catalyst for her to really be honest with her feelings and that he’ll play no further role in her life. I do think I made that clear. It’s best to focus on the feelings and what we really want and not try to force that to come through someone specific, like this man.”

I totally agree and wish more people would see it’s about the feeling not necessarily the person. I also agree with Tony that many women should be careful about the promises married men make. It’s hard to be attuned to this energy because the man’s vibrations are back and forth between his wife and lover; therefore it is confusing. But most married men do not leave their wives.

@Denise
If your other man was your friend’s husband, you should probably evaluate what a friendship is and how you can be a good friend to someone. You are carrying the vibrational energy of a traitor, a backstabber and a thief. Your psychic was right and you dodged a bullet with this guys. I also sense you are carrying the vibrational energy of a young girl who believes that happiness comes from outside, not inside. You need to feel good about yourself first and in order to draw the best match to you. Believing in princes is setting yourself up for even greater relationship failure.

kim phelps February 12, 2013 at 21:14

Melody, you rock!!! LOVE this posting :)

Melody Fletcher February 14, 2013 at 19:41

Thanks Kim! :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Debi @ACountryGrandma February 12, 2013 at 22:08

Just what the Universe ordered for me. I’ve been in a relationship with a great guy for almost 3 years (after being married to an alcoholic for 25 and then on my own for several years … and yes, I’ve done a LOT of work to get myself and my head together). He has Aspergers so things can be difficult sometimes and I was wanting emotional support that he’s been unable to give up to now. We’ve both grown immensely while we’ve been together. He really tries to change his social skills when we talk about issues … my ex never did and wasn’t hampered by learning disabilities. I was wanting more than he can give at the moment and thinking I needed to find someone who could give it “now”. But as I’ve thought about it, that’s not what I felt in my heart … it was spur of the moment, fix it now rationalizing.

This post strikes so many chords that i think there’s a symphony in it somewhere … at least for me. Thanks, Mel. As someone else said so eloquently … YOU ROCK!!!
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Melody Fletcher February 14, 2013 at 19:44

Thanks so much Debi! I’m so glad that focusing on what you truly wanted has brought you closer together. It sounds like you’re both helping each other grow, and keeping up with each other’s evolution! Yay!!!

If you stay with someone, it should be because you choose to, over and over again, not because you feel obligated to because you once made that choice. and sometimes, it takes a bit of drama to make you realize that you do, in fact, want to choose him again. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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KimP February 12, 2013 at 22:48

Love it, love it, love it….everytime I read your blog, I just wish I could be surrounded by like minded people like you 24/7 on and exotic island somewhere. Or would that be too boring if we all thought the same thing…HMMMM let me think about that one. Truth be told, I sort of like it when I get to test my vibration around different types of people. Ok, so scratch the island idea…I would like to have an annual retreat with like-minded Kims and Melodys of the world, where we get pampering pedicures, magical massages, mystical manicures, juicy fruit, scrumptuous smoothies and good food….whew…do I have to wake up now…

Anyway, I love that although this post does not relate to my current situation with my relationship, I can apply it to my career, weightloss, family etc. Just freakin’ focus on what I want, make sure it comes wrapped without resistance so it lines up with WHO I REALLY AM… and HELL YEAH…I can have my cake and eat it too.. That’s a major game changer for humans. For centuries we have ingrained in our less than full utilized brains that no one can have their cake and eat it too. We recite that like its in the Bible or something. That needs to be irradicated from our vocabulary. Like I mentioned the other day, its the no pain theory. I love this LOA stuff. My days are so full of optimism and abundant opportunites because it is my flippin choice of what I want to focus on.

Ok, so when’s the retreat Melody. I’m open in August… anybody else game??? :)

Kim, KimP, Nefer… I’m feelin’ all three today. Tri-polar maybe? :)

Melody Fletcher February 14, 2013 at 19:47

Hey there Kim!

I love the idea of a retreat!!! What an amazing time we’ll have. The intention has been set. Let’s let it unfold with perfect timing. :)

I never understood that saying. Why the hell would I want cake if I can’t eat it? Just to tease myself with it? Wouldn’t it then be better just to scratch the whole thing? And how can I ever eat cake if I don’t have it? Should I steal it? So, you can’t have your cake and eat it, but you can eat it if you steal someone’s else’s, which isn’t so bad, since they couldn’t have eaten it anyway? Sort of explains a lot about how corporations think… ;)

Huge hugs!!

Melody
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Quasi-Anonymous February 12, 2013 at 23:17

I met my husband when I was at a very vulnerable time in my life: while happily single, I was lonely for deep, philosophical conversations and fun, and–bonus–my biological clock was ticking. If we had stayed friends and had fun and all those long talks and that had been it, life would be so much easier now. At the time I thought there was no justification for not marrying him–we got along well, and I didn’t have anything else going on! Flash forward to first child–first Mother’s Day–”Oh, God…what have I done?” Flash forward to second child–I’m getting in deep. Third child–my feet are cemented, aren’t they…? I love this man as a person and I adore my children. But I have never felt the kind of love for him that a woman ought to feel for the man she will potentially spend the rest of her life with, and as a hopeless romantic, this saddens me. I have made every attempt to work on that to no avail. It has been a one-sided love affair for many years, and I have been absolutely miserable the whole time. I try to find things to fill my time and take my mind off of it but nothing quite ever gets me out of the invisible prison of love and guilt. Compounding the angst is that I am growing and evolving and he is too content to stay put in the rut he is in. We are moving in two completely different directions. The chasm grows and grows.
Whether or not there is someone else involved (not really) isn’t the gist of it. But I have to say, Melody, your post today gave me so much to think about from a fresh perspective. I thought I’d forgotten how to cry until I read it. I was wasting so much energy fretting about what to do and HOW to figure out a way to get out and ensure everyone would still be happy. You might not realize how much what you said affected me and how much hope it gave me. Thanks so much.

Melody Fletcher February 14, 2013 at 19:50

Hey there Quasi,

I’m so glad this post helped you! You’re right. The other person is totally irrelevant to the process. It’s just a way to mirror back what’s going on, but it’s not necessary at all. The first step is to acknowledge and admit that you’re not happy, then figure out why, and then figure out what you want instead and focus on it relentlessly. Ok, those are actually all the steps. Ha.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Huge hugs,

Melody

Eric West | Friendship Society February 12, 2013 at 23:52

I read nearly this same question in Dear Abby the other day, but her response wasn’t nearly as in depth and didn’t include any of the LOA stuff. I think she basically suggested that they try to work things out.

I find that strong emotion sometimes interferes with LOA. In this case it sounds like lust, that burst of feeling you get when you meet someone that seems like the perfect match. In cases where I have a strong emotional response I find I need to give myself a little extra time to cool down so I can properly read the effects of LOA.

I think your response was great. Super detailed and full of helpful information.
Eric West | Friendship Society invites you to read..The Basis of Friendship as Described by Aristotle by Eric WestMy Profile

Alice February 13, 2013 at 02:30

Limerence.

I think the key phrase is that she said she didn’t lover her husband.

If she still loved him, then this would be a stupid choice as the other man is just showing her the passion she misses and needs to put back into current marriage.

If she doesn’t love him, no point in staying. There has to be zero love. A little flicker or spark can turn into a flame with some effort.

I have had moments in a relationship where the person was grumpy and didn’t laugh with me. A male friend gave me a day of laughter but did I run off with the guy that made me laugh?
Nooooo!
It just reminded me the small part that was missing, and brought that up with actual partner, and put joy and laughter back into relationship. Have more fun together.

I think sometimes people mistake that excitement and thrill from new people as the person, and not the feeling it is reminding us of. It’s the feeling we want.

Melody Fletcher February 15, 2013 at 00:11

Hey Eric,

Thanks so much for the feedback. I think strong emotion is still an indicator. Even if it’s lust, I’d pay attention. Even if the woman was in love with her husband, and suddenly got all lusty about a guy, that would be a sign of something. It’s good to explore what. Of course, it’s easier to dissect where the emotion is coming from when it’s died down a little, that’s for sure. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Gillian Read February 13, 2013 at 01:16

I think guilt for not being in love with your husband is in play here and you need to pay penance for taking up his time.
If you are not in love with someone anymore it is your responsibility to leave them so they can get on with their lives and receive the love they deserve.
You are not doing anybody any favours by feeling sorry for them because you think they will never find anybody as wonderful as you are and will be so heartbroken that they will just never get over you and live a life of misery without you. Oh please! Oh sure they will be hurt, I’ve been hurt before, have you?, it passes with time.
Listen to Melody…this may be the new man for you or just the transition man for a wake up call….the universe works in mysterious ways but it will get you to where you need to be so go with the flow.
How lucky are we that the universe threw Melody Fletcher at us!

Melody Fletcher February 15, 2013 at 00:13

Thanks for adding your perspective Gillian!

Huge hugs!!

Melody

nay February 13, 2013 at 01:58

For me, this builds on KimS’ post… this week I’ve been working on feelings. Migraine? Ignore it (not easy!!) – FEEL healthy! No damn money? Ignore it!! FEEL wealthy! Worry over prodigal son? Ignore it!! FEEL that he’s well! Woohoo!!

Alice February 13, 2013 at 02:22

I hope you’re joking.

Melody Fletcher February 15, 2013 at 00:14

Those are some big jumps, Nay! Take it easy girl. But way to be ambitious. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Alice February 13, 2013 at 03:36

Good Morning Melody,

Is marriage kinda anti-LOA seeing it seems to be about just going with the best match at the time and what feels best, a sort of instant gratification?

Bit confused about “following your heart/bliss/joy” and how often blissful things come from hard work, struggle etc (delayed gratification) and how instant gratification often doesn’t lead to getting goals done, in fact it could lead to unemployment/cutting down hours/effort till point of doing bare minimum, or relationship after relationship, instead of putting in some work.
I’m very susceptible to instant gratification, but feel guilty about it, because I feel really lazy, but prefer the lazy/guilt feeling over all the struggle. I have just dropped the ball and just stop playing and no longer inspired to really chase that ball and do all these extra things I don’t want anyway. I’m just doing the bare minimal. I used to be such an achiever!

There is also evidence in your own life of delayed gratification paying off. Like going to university, sticking at hard jobs that got you business experience and skills. Gaining the money required to launch Deliberate Receiving.
You did lots of hard work in your life, and it led you to where you are now. I don’t feel all that was LOA, because it’s not like you spent your life unemployed/partially employed and barely doing anything, and then suddenly got this website and happiness.

I’ve never seen anyone succeed without doing that stuff or just laying about without doing at least a few laps on the “rat race” wheel. Also many LOA success stories come from ultra-smart people like you, with a business background and such.

It applies to this topic of relationships because I feel that unless it’s totally dysfunctional, co-operation and a little work can really change things.
You see relationship therapists and coaches are making their money somehow! Even “spellcasters” are popular (I think they work on vibrations) but it proves if there’s a will there’s usually a way.

I have a lot of discord in this comment, I’m just confused and as usual have one foot in and one foot out! I however actually like my own question. I think it’s a good one-lol :-)

I am still enjoying your lovely blogs. :-)

Melody Fletcher February 15, 2013 at 00:22

Hey Alice,

Marriage, in and of itself, is not anit-LOA, but the way that most people approach it (commit to me for the rest of your life no matter what) is.

First off, everything is LOA, whether we are are aware of it or not. I attracted all of my hard times with my beliefs, the same way I can attract easy times with better beliefs. In hindsight, it’s all very clear.

Hard work and struggle can and do lead to accomplishments, but it’s the hard way to go about it. And getting things the easy way isn’t talked about much in our society because it doesn’t make for a great story. Think about a movie where the hero wants something, lines up with it and just gets it. End of movie. Wouldn’t be very exciting now, would it? We like the drama, and we want to hear about the people who struggled for a long time and THEN made it. It’s also easier for us to believe that someone who’s already successful could easily become more successful.

Also, manifestations happen incrementally, so of course, hardly anyone goes from being poor to a millionaire overnight. You have to work through the resistance. I did (and am still doing it, we never get it done). I went from nearly homeless and willing to sacrifice heavily for my cause, to greater and greater levels of income, coming to me in easier and easier ways. It took me a long time to make all those shifts, because, for the most part, I wasn’t making them deliberately. But life is always calling us forward and so I did get there, or rather here, since I’m nowhere near done.

Huge hugs,

Melody

Alice February 15, 2013 at 01:40

Don’t you see how where you are at (40) is kind of natural for people with your level of expereince and education?

Time+business management+university education+years of work expereince in corporate+leadership/management roles+good looks+admitted high intelligence=surprise surprise successful business owner. SHOCK! MAGIC! IT MUST BE LOA!
:-)

In fact it would have been more shocking if you were NOT successful! Oh and all that travel experience. Jesus. You are already worldy. Seriously you didn’t even have a chance to be a failure. It wasn’t even fair! :-)
It would almost be impossible for a smart person with expertise, good health, the knowledge and experience NOT to do something with that.
Jesus.
And if you didn’t do that you had a mathematical enough mind to do something with that.

No way you would stay in a bad position forever.

But what I’m saying is different to what you think I’m saying.

What if you weren’t smart?
Weren’t a blonde bombshell? ;-) and I don’t care if it’s fake, it’s the charm behind it.
Weren’t charismatic?
Didn’t go to university? (don’t tell me about Bill Gates and Einstein I know, but they were smart enough to make up for that)
What if you didn’t have all that willpower and drive to do things the “hard” way and end up in multiple leadership positions?
Get into management?
Know how to start your own business??
Never had the opportunity to travel from such a young age?
Had bosses that fired you when you got sick?

You can’t deny you have several advantages and time. This didn’t happen quickly. You are basically where a smart person should be by your age. Seriously where is the LOA?

“You work through the resistance” that’s a big flip-flop as LOA usually does…. first they tell us we can do anything, now it takes time…well that isn’t very spectacular, that is normal life, for people with skills.

Alice February 15, 2013 at 01:43

*why I have typed experience incorrectly when that is a word I know how to spell?
I don’t know, maybe typing too fast and jumping over keys. Lack of an edit button is an irritant. Bad spelling and grammar makes me look like a yokel.

Melody Fletcher February 16, 2013 at 19:23

Well, I suppose you can attribute all success to something else. Everything can be explained in a way that keeps us all powerless. That’s your choice and it’s a valid one. I just want to point out that it IS a choice…

Alice February 17, 2013 at 10:07

You aren’t even trying to have a look at this. You’re really strong Melody. But if you say things are either

A) “disrespectful”/”negative” whatever other label for a challenge/someone with some brains in their head

B) some airy fairy response that just doesn’t break it down or look at the challenge
“It’s a choice” sounds awfully like those Catholic answers of your childhood.

Then that’s no better of an answer than the dismissive things that the Nuns said to you that drove you insane.

Now that’s not who you really are either! You don’t have to keep running away.

Nay February 13, 2013 at 06:08

Melody,
Lovely post! It took a while, but I’m finally really getting the fact that there aren’t just 2 choices in anything. It’s sad but that is almost always how it used to seem. And I would say more but am traveling and writing by phone or kindle is not quite as fluid.

Suffice to say that once again you rock the better way to think. :)

Melody Fletcher February 15, 2013 at 00:23

Thanks so much Nay! Hope you’re having a great time travelling!

Huge hugs,

Melody

Claire February 13, 2013 at 06:45

Hi Melody

Great post. You are really analytical!

Have a good day.

Claire

Melody Fletcher February 15, 2013 at 00:24

Yep. That’s me and my audience. A bunch of intellectual, brainy people who have a need to understand the nitty gritty. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Fonzy Montenegro February 13, 2013 at 10:04

Wow, you’ve outdone yourself once again Melody. YOu’re truly a MASTER at this stuff. Glad to have you in my reality. :D

Cheers,
Fonzy
Fonzy Montenegro invites you to read..6 Powerful Self-Help Concepts That Accelerate Your ManifestationsMy Profile

Melody Fletcher February 15, 2013 at 00:24

Thanks Fonzy! I’m all blushy now…

Huge hugs!

Melody

aylin February 13, 2013 at 12:39

the post is full of so useful information for every one even for the ones who do not experience this scenario.I lived a similar one 3 years ago when I finally left my long-term not working relationship and started a new relationship with someone I need at that time.As you said he was just an indicator of good feelings I want.It wasn’t easy because of my resistance but I learned a lot and discovered myself.Doesn’t everyone discover themselves in every relationship ??? :) :) And I still continue to discover every day and again thank every one who came and went out of my life :) :) It it weren’t for them I couldn’t have met the LOA :) :)

Melody Fletcher February 15, 2013 at 00:25

Yay Aylin!

Congrats on seeing everything with such clarity! It’s great when you can look back and see how everything and everyone served you. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Derrek February 13, 2013 at 13:28

One of the best posts you’ve ever written, Melody! I think it’s awesome how you always emphasize on the feeling instead of the actual action. It’s so easy to assume that something or someone will be the source of all your happiness, even though it may cause so much turmoil internally. We’re so caught up in the “how”.

Great stuff! :)

Melody Fletcher February 15, 2013 at 00:26

Thanks Derrek! Glad to see you’re still around! :)

Huge hugs,

Melody

Derrek February 15, 2013 at 14:50

Oh, I’m always around, Melody.

Always…….*creepily walks backwards into a shadowy corner*

Melody Fletcher February 16, 2013 at 19:25

Good. Very good….
*laughs maniacally while staring at you with dead, crazy eyes*

Eve February 13, 2013 at 15:20

My current situation is a work crisis, but I do think this applies beautifully. So I will print it, apply highligher liberally, read several times and then work out how to apply that fabulous table to the issue at hand. Thank you so much!

Melody Fletcher February 15, 2013 at 00:26

You’re so welcome Eve. That’s the whole point: LOA principles can be applied across the board. :)

Let us know how it goes!

Huge hugs,

Melody

Heather February 17, 2013 at 21:19

Hey Melody!
I just have to say thanks for this amazing post. My experience is that many in society are not ready to hear this but I’ve lived it. Ten years ago my ex left me and our two boys. It was a tough time and he took it on the chin socially for years. But you’ve perfectly summarized above – he was ready to move on. At the time I had so many negative beliefs about myself I couldn’t see it as anything other than a betrayal of his or failing of mine. But now that I’ve had some distance I see that he moved on and by him leaving me he freed me to do work on myself that I never would have considered had we stayed together. During his departure I remember saying, “no you’re doing the right thing because I deserve to be loved for who and what I am”. And just recently I was able to come to completion with him because I finally truly beieve it. Letting him know that he did the right thing was one of the most amazing gifts I’ve ever had the privledge to give another human. I acknowledged that he’s happy with his “soulmate”, our two boys are happy healthy and know that they are safe and loved and I’ve been freed to be the me I was meant to be – still evolving of course! I told him that he did the right thing. He looked like he’d won the lottery, said a lot of nice things which was a complete bonus and a space has been cleared for us to relax around each other and relate in ways we haven’t for so long. I believe that this will benefit our kids (well everyone really) going forward. Thanks for tackling a subject that many just brush aside with generalizations and sweeping judgments. You rock!!! So glad I get to be part of this community! Happy Sunday.

Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 17:00

Girl, Wow! This gives me much hope if my husband and I don’t work out. I am the gal that asked the original question. I pray and hope that if I divorce my husband he has your experience. My biggest struggle with leaving him is feeling it is a betrayal to him and our child but if I feel led in my gut, I will have to follow because to me, that is God. Regardless of society’s standards and expectations.

Melody, thank you! You are so spot on as usual! I have not said anything until now because I am still letting all of your wisdom sink in. I have been focusing on what I want. Since I asked you the question I have separated from husband with the intention to simply follow my gut and no further intention for reconciliation or divorce. But before I did this I completely cut contact with the other man months before. I had to know that I was moving out based on my intuition and nothing else. Turns out that moving out (as the internal voice told me for months) was completely right. I have expanded. Noticed things about myself and how I was with my husband. What I want. What I don’t want. My husband has had a few realizations as well. It’s still rocky. Still uncertain. I still don’t know what the future holds for us but in the meantime I have been growing! I dance with myself, hug myself, love myself, pamper myself, and I feel more filled up than I ever have being with my husband. Sure I get lonely but I’m not lonely in the horrible way of someone being right next to you and feeling like they’re a million miles away. This has been a terrifying yet gratifying and hugely spiritual time for me! Love you Melody and I will continue to revisit your insightful words. Thanks again! <3

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 21:43

Hey Anonymous,

I’m so glad that the answer was helpful to you. And thanks for speaking up here and sharing your progress. It’s difficult, but isn’t it preferable than staying in a situation that isn’t going to better?

Well done!!

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Anonymous March 17, 2013 at 21:49

Definately better than staying in a situation that is stagnant. Yuck!
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Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 21:41

Hey Heather,

Thanks so very much for sharing your own experience here. This is a tough subject for many to tackle. We have such a strong belief that cheating is wrong, it can be hard to look past it or around it to what’s really going on. Simply condemning something and digging no deeper isn’t helpful to either party.

I’m glad you’re part of this community too!!! :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Why Do Our Brains Accept False Beliefs As Truth?My Profile

Robert March 1, 2013 at 20:02

This post is going in the wrong direction.

Yes, it’s valuable that she REALIZE she isn’t happy currently, but like you’ve already stated, there’s more than two options. There are also moral standards for a reason – far from being judgmental, they are handed down to us in order to protect us where it counts.

It isn’t right to break up a marriage because your gut told you so any more than it would be right to stab someone you are angry with in a fit of passion.

This isn’t meant to be accusatory or cause undue guilt; it is meant to warn you. If you don’t believe me, well, maybe – just maybe – the law of attraction brought me straight here to show you why this is a bad idea and what actually needs to be done.

It seems that unhappiness in marriage these days is always assumed to be caused by incompatibilities – either basic ones or ones that evolved into place. This is all nonsense. Once you’ve chosen to marry, like it or not, you’ve committed to the other person until you part in death. It needs to be taken seriously because it has such a huge, tidal emotional impact on both people involved.

Ask yourself this: what precisely attracts you to the other man so strongly that your husband doesn’t possess? I’m guessing it’s not his dashing good looks or boatloads of money, if he has them. Some intangible, ineffable quality that you can’t name? Probably more likely.

And you speak of having your boat rocked and all that. We nowadays are also very good at fooling ourselves into thinking that ANY sexual attraction somehow signals destiny. It doesn’t, or I would have had Pamela Anderson and Heidi Klum in my destiny back when I was 13.

Now for the real shocker: women get bored in marriages because they don’t know how gender exchanges really work. Not that men often do either – but both people need to learn about it for there to be anything more in a marriage than initial lust and flaming out.

Men want women who can be nurturing and who can back up their existential paradigm, their idiom if you will. Women want men who take charge and make decisions – through force if necessary and gently if not. At least, that’s it in a nutshell – there’s reams more info and specifics that go with these things.

I’m guessing your new romantic interest at least presents these qualities. Small wonder you feel turned on by the prospect, but then, you may have already decided your husband could never actually embody that sort of attraction. I’m going out on a limb here (just kidding – no I’m not), but it seems to me that no matter how much anyone “evolves”, they won’t outstrip the basic needs they have of the other gender. In other words, Cindy could go from being a waitress at a hot dog stand to an astronaut with a PhD in microbiology, but if her man really acts in a dominant, strong, authoritative way and remains caring towards her as well, her panties won’t notice the difference.

What then do you do? Well, go to your husband and say that your attraction to him is suffering but that you may have a good solution that will make him feel better too. Tell him you will make a deal to try an experiment: you’ll wait and dote on him for a couple hours a day, hand and foot, like a slave girl. In exchange, he must make ALL decisions during this time, right down to commanding you to make specific movements with your body, inclusive of the aforementioned doting and waiting. This is not to suggest that all women want to become Princess Leia in Jabba’s Pleasure Barge; it is meant to open your eyes to a shade and hue of the relationship you probably weren’t enough aware of.

Give it a week or so and see how it feels to both of you. No marriage really needs to be dissolved because of the ebb and flow of attraction if you actually know what creates it for both of you. Luckily that underlying attraction factor is universal amongst both men and women, even if it’s only just beginning to emerge as acceptable in pop culture (Fifty Shades of Grey, for instance). Go forth and make your own attraction rather than being blown around by randomness.

Anonymous March 2, 2013 at 04:34

Hi Robert,

You have some excellent points. A lot is spot on. Some is dead wrong. I appreciate all you said. I will def be taking it in and letting it simmer. :)

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 21:49

Hey Robert,

Thanks for sharing your point of view here.

I don’t believe that there are any black and white solutions. Can many marriages be fixed? Of course they can. Is attraction to another person always a sign that the marriage should end, of course not. But why is staying together until death more important than being happy? Why is it so hard to accept that everything ends, even relationships and that just because something doesn’t last until death that it was not a failure?

I prefer happiness above all else. I also don’t believe that it’s possible for one partner to be truly happy if the other is not. I believe many people stay in unhappy relationships out of fear, and that there is no Universal directive to do so.

We are not supposed to be unhappy for ANY reason. It’s not necessary. If a relationship is over, it should end. Otherwise, it’s a self imposed prison for both parties. That’s about as far from happiness as one could get.

That said, of course many couples could have far better relationships than they do by becoming authentic and more positively focused. And I’ve written tons of posts on that. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Does LOA Teach Arrogance?My Profile

Robert March 4, 2013 at 19:23

Hey guys! I appreciate both of your replies.

I find it interesting how you apply LOA, Melody. You’ve had a lot of great insights on many things, but I think the “whatever makes you happy” tagline is pretty shortsighted.

Following your bliss… getting a good feeling from things… obviously these are good tools for assessing what’s happening and where to go. Thing is, how do you know something will make you happy before you do it – or if it will bring utter ruin? The human heart (and “gut”) is extremely far from infallible. I believe one of the worst mistakes you can make with the LOA system of philosophy is believing that you know everything by virtue of having urges.

If you mess something up in an otherwise good situation, naturally it will feel wrong – but another problem with peoples’ use of LOA is misattributing cause and effect. If you dump an entire salt shaker on a meatloaf, it will taste pretty terrible. If you screw up with a relationship, it will feel soured. The kicker with this mistake subset is that people often don’t know there was a mistake, and if they do, they don’t often realize their part in it. Meatloaf tastes like a salt lick? Must be the meatloaf’s fault – and not only that; I’ll never eat another one of those nasty meatloaves ever again!

As is so popular to speak among internet punks these days – you’re doing it wrong, lol.

Using the LOA, we could surmise that by constantly asserting relationships end “like everything else” we then have chosen that they all must end, and accomplish this quite handily all by ourselves. I don’t feel attraction – LOA, please save me from myself! In reality, you need to turn around and reflect on the situation to figure out what the actual cause is, not just put a band-aid on symptoms. The LOA system of philosophy is quite potent, but its greatest use is not in aiding flight from responsibility and reflection just because they “feel bad”. Rather, it is in helping you address any situation when you find the courage to turn around and face it, be it the risk to gain a new reward or the work of gaining understanding and wisdom to reverse something that’s sinking.

Anonymous, I have every confidence in you to resolve all of this. Are you sure that, given your decision to marry in the first place, which you found rash in hindsight, you aren’t just being rash all over again? It seems based on my limited understanding of your situation that you are looking for meaning other than what you think you are and don’t realize it.

Also, I want to hear what you think I got right and wrong in my responses! That alone will illuminate a lot. Plus I can always learn more myself.

Cheers!

Melody Fletcher March 7, 2013 at 21:46

Hey Robert,

“The human heart (and “gut”) is extremely far from infallible.” I have to disagree with this. Our intuition is 100% correct. The problem is that we often mistake our fears for intuition, because we’ve been taught to focus that way. But, when we re-learn to listen to our actual gut and heart, they don’t steer us wrong. Doing so does often require courage, though.

We’re just going to have to agree to disagree. My philosophy may not work for you, and therefore you feel I’m “doing it wrong”. But it works perfectly for me and those who resonate with what I teach here. And that’s ok. This is why we have so many different points of view. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Dear LOA: Should I Take Risks Or Play It Safe?My Profile

Anonymous March 17, 2013 at 22:02

It’s funny I’m anon but there’s my pic. Oh well.

I would first like to clarify Robert that I have ended everything with this other man about 6 months ago. I have been separated from my husband for 2 months now. We are trying to work things out for the sake of our daughter, the commitment we made, and the years we have invested. Sometimes I feel it’s useless but for now I’ll keep trying.

You were spot on about gender roles. Hubby and I have been together since we were 17. Dated 4, married 7. I’ve always been the leader. It’s exhausting. I make most every decision. I make all plans and execute them. Because of constantly being something I don’t feel I was created to be (a man in my romantic relationship), coupled with his insensitivity to my requests and feelings, I have never felt safe and secure with him. I have now been allowing him the freedom to lead and make mistakes. So far, he’s not really picking up the reins. But we’ll see.

You’re right about other man. On paper he doesn’t even compare to the character of my husband but he made me feel very safe, secure, feminine, alive, and loved. He spoke my language even in silence. He was smart. Intellectual connection is important to me. We had great communication and even when he made me as angry as my husband has, my love/respect didn’t diminish. Whereas, when my husband angered me, I had contempt. I felt we were consistently on the same wave length, despite our occasional arguments. With my husband I’ve always felt we are on separate wave lengths with virtually no understanding of each other. It’s very lonely to feel like that for years with the person you are supposed to be the closest with. Not to mention when I look in my husband’s eyes I see very little other than the color of his iris. With the other man, I was lost yet found in his eyes. It was an intense experience just simply looking in his eyes. Once you experience that it’s hard to try and go on without it.

I think you are dead wrong about the gut. The gut is not where emotions are seated, such as rage as you said. I don’t even consider the heart the same as the gut. I believe the gut is, as Melody said, 100% correct. I believe it is where the spirit of God resides inside of each of us. It is uncorrupt by fleshly desires of the heart and the mind’s overwhelming ability to stall and/or twist EVERYTHING by trying to reason.

Sorry it took so long for me to respond Robert. And thanks again for everything Mel!

liz May 15, 2013 at 11:12

i have just had 2 yrs of hell as my husband ran away with a asian hooker he picked up in a bar who was pregnant with another mans baby. he left me and 3 children and has never contacted us. i lost my home and financial security and am still homeless. he destroyed his family and friends and could not care if we were dead or alive. he has hurt beyond anyones wildest dreams. i never new about his affair with 25 yr old and he is 62 yrs old. NOW tell me about the LOA ????? it worked so well for him. This woman is so selfish and i could barely read her questio to you. i would love to hear what you think about my situation ??????

Donatello June 8, 2013 at 21:12

Anonymous (the original poster),

My wife left her first husband for me based on “gut”. After seven years of being together, and with 2 wonderful children we both adore, she left me for another man based on her “gut”.

“The Secret” was the one book she gave to her other man while they were seeing each other behind my back and his wife’s back.

I think my soon to be Ex resonated with the LOA concept because she was in a hard situation and wanted to be happy but not hurt anyone either. The problem is people will wind up getting hurt, whether you practice LOA techniques or not. In situations where real thought and concern are needed, where you need to look at the root causes of why you feel the way you do, be wary of the LOA. Marital therapists experienced with infidelity are familiar with how an affair can cause a person to ‘rewrite marital history’ and lead them to think they were never in love with the person they were actually in love with.

I’m happy that you are trying to work it out with your husband. You probably still daydream about the other man and the connection you had. What you said about looking into his eyes – many, many people have experienced that with a lover only to find out a few years down the road that it was just the initial romance, not a longstanding ‘soul mate’ connection. Contempt in a marriage comes from incremental frustrations.. it’s quite possible that you could feel contempt for the OM after seven or eight years of marriage, too, even if you feel a strong connection now.

Good luck in trying to restore your family. It won’t work if you are in communication with the OM in any way.

Amber July 1, 2013 at 05:47

Hi, sorry to hear about your hardship. Divorce is never fun.

I think you are right about the connection being initial romance with OM (looking into eyes). I think we did have a strong romantic component but we were also the best of friends and aside from romance, that’s the hardest thing to let go. Never the less, it’s been 9 months of no contact and yes I still think of him but I don’t wish or daydream about a future together. I’ve put that to rest.

I searched my heart very extensively, curious if I was ‘re-writing history’ as the infidelity therapists talk about. That was not the case with me. I know that I never was ‘in love’ with my husband.

My husband and I still aren’t growing as I had hoped. I moved out for a couple months, did a lot of praying and studying and realized some things about myself and subsequently did A LOT of changing. It was wonderful. I’m a better person, but my husband is still stuck. He showed some improvement but it was just to get me to move back in. I felt we were moving forward but he has now reverted to cussing me out, calling names, lack of communication, doesn’t show much care about how I feel, etc. Time for me to meditate to get some more answers.

Wish you the best of luck in your situation with you, her, and your children.

Donatello August 26, 2013 at 11:37

Hi Amber,

I’m sorry to hear that things are not going as well as you had hoped. Please keep in mind it is probably much easier for you to evolve since you were the one in control of the situation. Your husband sounds like he was in a lot of pain, too; what are the two of you doing to heal each other? I hope you are in therapy together or at least are reading good books on the subject. Recovery of infidelity and is a long road and the of you must be committed to it. Divorce is extremely “not fun” and it will alter the course of you, your husband and your child’s life forever.

Best wishes,
Donatello (Marc)

Amber August 27, 2013 at 18:01

Oh wow, I just visited this page again today on a whim. I actually moved out…again….last night. :/

You asked what have we done to help the healing…I have been reading books, trying to grow, make honorable choices. I respect him in my words and actions. I feel like my part in helping him heal from the affair has been ongoing in that sense. I have not once spoke to the other man or his family in nearly a year. I have been as patient as possible with my husband. I know he’s in pain, has trust issues, but he is vicious. I mean our problems started long before the emotional affair. I know what you mean “I was the one in control of the situation” but the truth is, he’s had years to pick up the reigns of his own life and be in control. I tried to communicate with him about much over the years and we just never seemed to be on the same wavelength.

I could stay until he heals from this pain (and I’ve heaped those coals on my head, believe me) but again, the truth is, I can’t heal him. It’s on him. I’ve done my part and continue to. I’m not perfect but I’ve changed and been working very hard on my side of the street. I can’t continue to be committed to consistant abuse that doesn’t seem to be changing. I don’t want it for myself and I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking it’s ok to be treated that way.

We did go to one therapy session together. Then two days later he yelled, cussed me out, etc. in front of a lot of people at a get together and I believe at this time I have to make a change or stay on the same insane train. I’m not divorcing him. I’m hoping he gets the help he needs with his alcoholism and abuse and wants to continue counseling whilst being separted. I’m up for making it work IF I see and can trust that he’s made the effort on his side of the street as well.

It’s very easy for people to view the spouce that got cheated on as the victim but there is so much more that goes on in a marriage to get that point that I could consider myself a victim too. I don’t. And I’ve recently gotten to the point, working through loads of my own guilt, that he is not the victim either. We are all responsible for our choices and the path we are on in life. At least, this is where I’m at now. I definately don’t have all the answers.

solace August 29, 2013 at 19:12

Hi Amber,
I chanced upon your mail too and what resonated with me the most is how this person is constantly asking you to share more than your fair share of responsibility in this whole scenario. I am a new visitor to Melody’s blog and going by what she says this guy could be the manifestation of the resistance in you regarding your decision. Coming from an abusive relationship myself, it has taken me 8 years to absolve myself of the complete blame of ending the relationship and reach a point where what you decided makes perfect sense.Instead of discouraging you..i admit i quite envy your clarity,levelheadedness if thats a word and good judgement to trust your instinct.Maybe you manifested to remind me that happiness prevails if we truly believe ourselves.

Amber August 31, 2013 at 23:33

“Happiness prevails if we truly believe ourselves”…and in ourselves. Yes! I think so! Our intuition is sacred. I am soooo happy being out of the household. Literally, happy. Like, I walk outside and get giddy just looking at trees.

Listen to this…I moved out on a Monday. I was sad and not feeling like doing all the work to move me and my daughter out in one day but knew inside this was needed. So, I buckled up and did it with the help of my sis. :) Tuesday I was sooooo depressed feeling. Horrible day. Wed morning I meditated on forgiveness. I circulated thought in and out with my breath. Exale…I am forgiveness…inhale…forgiveness is for me. I felt like a new woman!!! And guess what I saw flying over my car on the way home from work that day?? Two white doves! Now, I’ve never seen a white dove in my life except in magic shows and pictures. It was as if they were dancing over my car. I took that as a synchronicity that I made the right move. White doves symbolize love and peace. I feel so much love and peace by separating myself from the toxicity of me and my husband’s relationship. I am happiest when I make sure that I am taken care of in a healthy way (not a selfish way). I am responsible for me. If me and the hubs don’t work out, yes our lives, including my daughter’s, will be forever changed but one thing I know, my daughter will benefit from having a mama beaming with love and peace, joy and happiness, and the love of life!

Thank you for your encouragement Solace. I cried. :’)

solace September 1, 2013 at 19:40

hii there,

Your words gave me a sense of deja vu. The initial sad feelings could be withdrawl symptoms as in a dysfunctional relationship we are used to a forced and artificial calm which deludes us into believing we are happy when it just actually suppresses our real emotions. So, by meditating i guess, u consciously tried some good ol detox. I might come across as naive but i believe in this line i read in one of Harry Potter series that when somebody stands up for themselves, it gives others hope…so THANK YOU for your encouragement..you go girl!

solace September 1, 2013 at 20:30

Oh and one more thing, i see a lot of resistance to Melody’s post coming from guys. I read this blog because it empowers me and makes me feel secure in and of myself.All the reservations expressed seem to be coming from a place of fear.Seriously, i just read the entire comments section and someone recommended S&M as a way of fixing things.I am falling from my chair with laughter.All these kinky techniques are to be used for fun…not for strengthening the core of the relationship which if it hasn’t been built upon solid foundations can never ever..i cant stress this enough..be mended.
Kudos to you Melody, i don’t know if you will read this but what you have written is something which the best psychiatrists would agree with.

Just me October 18, 2013 at 01:14

I’m so glad I found this. Similar situation, I’m content with my husband but not happy; in fact, I’m happier when I’m alone, with my friends…everything. He’s very hardworking and stable but so emotionally closed off. I met someone else, talked to him for a month, and when the friend line started to get blurred, I stopped all communication with him to work on my marriage. Two months later, my husband has tried to change but my feelings and lack of passion for him have not. The other guy is still on my mind; I miss him and care about him and even if he’s always just a friend I want him in my life. I’ve been so focused on choosing between two options but the way you rephrased things makes a lot of sense. So much else that I want to do in my life that my husband can’t fully understand and support – when I focused on what makes me happy, it drove the wedge between us that made room for someone else to enter my life. Thank you for the reminder.

Eric December 2, 2013 at 16:24

Thanks for this. I’ve been growing closer and closer to a woman I work with and things have progressed. We’ve talked about what it would be like if we were together, and I start to imagine a life with her as opposed to the one I lead now.

My wife is a good person , we have many good moments together, but there’s not the same spark as there is with my friend. My wife and I have three wonderful children and they will be affected, I know, but this other woman is really the one to take me to the next level. I know a lot of people will be hurt, but I need to think about me and how I can evolve. Thanks for the great article.

Rick December 11, 2013 at 09:36

I was totally amazed when I found this post on Google. My wife and I are in this exact situation. We came together because we needed each other, but we are not in love with each other. We are heading in very different directions in life and really don’t connect other than we share a child. We have come to a place in our lives where we no longer own anything collectively and could go in different directions without financial complications. The only reason we’re together is that society has established this stigma that divorce is a bad thing. Now society has no problem with the fact that we got married because it was the financially responsible thing to do, but it will point a finger at us is we split because we are not emotionally viable.

Personally, I would love to see my wife with someone who completes her. I’m not that person. My wife has said on multiple occasions that I need someone who does the same for me. Now we spend very little time together and we’re constantly meeting new people. We talk all the time, but even when we’re at home we’re in different rooms doing our own thing.

My daughter knows that the house feels better when mom is off on a trip or my wife and I are on opposite work schedules. She has even brought up the fact that “mom” is happier when she’s doing xyz and I’m happier when I’m off doing xyz. She also points out that fact that “mom” and I are so different that it’s like living in two different families depending on who’s home. She gets the best of both worlds and loves it, but would rather see both of us doing what we love.

Okay, I’ll stop ranting. I’m just thankful I found your post!

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