Setting Boundaries – My House Rules

Post image for Setting Boundaries – My House Rules

by Melody Fletcher on February 5, 2013

 

It’s become apparent to me over the last few weeks that the main focus of 2013 (in my reality) is going to be the subject of “Setting Boundaries”. It keeps coming up in many of my clients’ lives, albeit in different forms, and it’s an issue that I’ve frequently and recently revisited, as well. A lot of this LOA work is really about learning to honor our own boundaries – we have to figure out what we want and what we don’t want, what we’re NOW no longer willing to put up with, and then react from this new point of awareness. And when we don’t honor our own boundaries, when we allow others (but really ourselves) to cross our own personal lines, the result is usually a great deal of resentment and anger.

The Trigger

Over the holidays, I found myself having such a reaction. I was checking in on the blog, just to make sure everything was working ok, when I read some reader comments that pushed a big old anger button. I went from YAY! to wanting to rip someone’s face off in an instant. Now, full blown anger isn’t something I experience very often, and it’s incredibly uncomfortable for me. On top of that, I have a BIG energy field that has a lot of power to affect those around me. This isn’t usually a problem, since I’m a Happy Shiny Puppy so much of the time. But, when that big energy field is filled with intense anger, it generally causes those around me run for the hills. It tried to figure out what was going on by myself, but I wasn’t getting any clarity, just more anger. It took me a while to find someone who could handle my vibration without letting it affect them, so I could talk through my feelings. This is my preferred method of shifting my vibration. Usually, if I’m stuck, all I need is someone who can hold their vibration while I talk my way through whatever’s going on. If they are stable enough to hold their energy in a high place in my presence, my willingness to feel better will cause my vibration to rise to the level of theirs and the clarity I’m looking for will show up. This process can be over in mere minutes.

Once I was finally able to find someone who could withstand the force of my anger without letting it affect them, I figured out what had triggered me: I hadn’t been honoring my boundaries when it came to the blog. I’d let some readers cross my lines, and that had triggered quite an ugly reaction within me.

But why would I do that?

I’ve often stated that I don’t allow people to attack each other or me on this blog. People can disagree, but they must do so respectfully. It’s a good rule. The only problem was that I hadn’t been enforcing it. Sure, blatantly hateful comments went straight to SPAM – that decision is always an easy one. But what about comments that are kind of borderline disrespectful? What about when someone’s comment is a mixture of helpful debate and contempt? This was the line I needed to become more aware of. My emotional reaction was telling me that the way I’d been handling these comments was not in line with what I wanted.

What I want

The vision of what I want this blog to be is twofold:

  • First, I want this to be a place of learning, where those who are seeking answers and who resonate with my particular style can find clarity about the Law of Attraction, what they really want, why they haven’t gotten it so far and provide practical, implementable tips to help them finally achieve their dreams.
  • Second, I want this to be a place of upliftment, where a community of likeminded people come together and help each other to feel better.

Those are my two biggest goals, and, for the most part, I think we’ve nailed it (you and I). But, it’s clearly time for some fine tuning, and that’s what this post is really about: Fine tuning my boundaries. I’ve decided to share my experience with you, because not only will the outcome of my fine tuning affect you, but you might find the whole exercise useful when it comes to setting your own boundaries.

It took a series of comments with varying degrees of nastiness and controversy to help me define exactly where my own, personal line was (this would be the contrast helping me to define what I want instead). And, I think I’ve finally figured it out.

My resistance – the thoughts that messed it all up

I discovered that I had some subtle yet meddlesome thoughts and beliefs that weren’t quite in line with my goals. Whenever a comment came in that was subtly attacking someone, I was reluctant to just remove it for several reasons (that were not apparent to me until just recently):

I didn’t want to shut down people who disagreed with my point

The Limiting Belief: I wanted to give a voice to all those who disagreed with me, and didn’t want to be seen as censoring anyone’s opinion. Wasn’t it more enlightened to allow everyone to speak their mind?

The New Perspective: Well, that was a bunch of Bullshit. It’s not more enlightened to let everyone speak their mind, regardless of their agenda. This game isn’t about allowing everything into our realities and finding a way to feel good about it, but rather about figuring out what we want more of and selectively focusing only on that. Given what I want this blog to be, it’s not necessary or even helpful to allow all opinions, no matter how they are expressed, to be heard. There’s a big difference between saying “I disagree, and here’s what I believe instead. Isn’t that interesting?”, while trying seriously to understand all points of view and allowing then all to be valid, and “I disagree and you’re wrong for believing what you do.” The former is totally allowed on my blog. The latter is not, no matter how subtly the “You’re an idiot for thinking that way” may be disguised.

The way I see it, this is a party at my house and you’ve all been invited. We’re all coming together to get more clarity and to feel better. It’s an oasis of sorts. Now, if someone comes into my living room and turns into a douchebag, I’m going to ask them to leave before they ruin the whole party. Plain and simple. If someone starts to complain and nag and spew negativity, I’m going to ask them to stop before they bring everyone down. Otherwise, I’m forfeiting the whole point of the party. I’m no longer willing to do that.

I didn’t want to be a bitch

The Limiting Belief: Ok, this one wasn’t all that big anymore, but it was present: I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. People put a lot of work and time into drafting lengthy comments and I didn’t want to just render all that effort irrelevant with one mouse click. Didn’t I owe it to them to leave the comment up?

The New Perspective: I reminded myself that it’s my reality, and the only reason these borderline comments had shown up in the first place was to show me that I needed to redefine my boundaries more clearly. I had attracted those who were a match to that experience in their own way, but it wasn’t up to me to manage their experience. If someone’s going to get offended by one of my posts, my images or my rules, I really have no control over that. And really, no one is forced to come to my blog. I’ve never quite understood why anyone would seek out a blog out of the infinite number of pages they can go to, just so they can disagree with it. Why not go find something that they can agree with, instead?

If someone has put a lot of effort into writing a hateful or negative comment, they may have gotten a great deal of value out that process alone. I’m not negating that value by not allowing it to be published on my blog.

I’m also confident that as I define and honor my boundaries more, the number of comments I’ll have to remove will decrease. That particular manifestation won’t be needed anymore. The message has been received, thank you very much.

I didn’t want to deprive people of the value of contrast

The Limiting Belief: This third belief was the biggest obstacle for me. Since everything provides value, I wondered if I should deprive people of the value that they got out of being triggered by each other. An argument is simply an escalated manifestation of something neither party is aware of. They might be getting mad at each other, but they’re really reacting to their own thoughts. Wouldn’t it be better to allow people the chance to be triggered so that they could then work through their reactions? Wasn’t I actually providing MORE value by allowing the comments to stick around?

The New Perspective: While it’s true that everything provides value, trying to cover the entire spectrum in one place is insane. There are already plenty of places out there on the net where people can trigger each other. But there aren’t that many oases where people can come to get clarity AND upliftment, all in one place.

People’s resistance will show up, no matter what. They will manifest it – the Law of Attraction will make sure of that. But I don’t have to raise my vibrational hand and volunteer my blog to be a place where huge amounts of resistance can manifest. That’s never been my intention. The value I’d like to provide isn’t in the trigger phase, but in the clarity phase.

When I’m having a reaction of my own, I seek out a vibrational island – someone so steady that I KNOW I’ll feel better just by being in their presence, so I can find my center again. I’d like this blog to be an island like that for you, and I’d like you to be islands like that for each other. The world is filled with triggers, and since the frequency of the problem and the frequency of the solution are never the same, it makes no sense to try and cover both bases at once.

The House Rules

So, bearing that in mind, I’ve come up with some house rules. I’m posting them here for all to read, and I am hereby making a commitment to myself and to you, to enforce them consistently.

  1. This is a place of learning. If you’d like to answer someone’s question (and you’re totally encouraged to), please remember this: Their question is perfectly valid; they’re not stupid for asking it. Providing clarity for someone else is a privilege and a gift; when you tap into Universal Intelligence in order to access the answer they are looking for, it brings you closer to Who You Really Are. So, in a way, they’ve done you a favor for asking a question you could answer. Answering someone else’s question always provides value to you, as well.
  2. This is a place of learning. If someone has answered your question, keep in mind that a stranger has taken the time to offer you their guidance. If you don’t resonate with their answer, that’s ok. Every interaction carries a gift for you, if you’re willing to see it. Look for the gift.
  3. If you’ve found yourself being offended by something someone has written (me or a reader), remember that your reaction is about a thought you’re having. Don’t place the responsibility for how you feel on others. If you need help working through your emotions, you’re welcome to ask for it by sharing your reaction (but owning it). Otherwise, keep your reaction to yourself. Simply stating “I’m offended” helps no one, not even you. Using the moment of offense as a growth tool, on the other hand, helps everyone involved.
  4. If you disagree with something someone has written (me or a reader), and you find yourself wanting to respond, stop for a minute and think of what your intent behind the response is. If this different viewpoint has caused you to clarify your own and gain more clarity, please, by all means share it. If you’d simply like to share your own, equally valid point of view, in order to offer yet another perspective, you’re invited to do that as well. If, however, you simply want to declare the expressed opinion as wrong, and then tell everyone what the “right” way to look at it is, please keep it to yourself. No one here is saying you’re wrong if you don’t agree with something written here. If you think it does, that’s your belief.
  5. Discussions and debates should focus on the topic at hand, on ideas (with the intent of furthering them) and points of view. There’s no need to comment on other readers, their character, or the WAY they expressed themselves. WHAT they said is much more important than HOW they said it. In other words, you can criticize ideas, but you don’t get to criticize the people who expressed them.
  6. And now, for the (probably) most controversial rule: If you’re having a bad day (or week, or month, or year), this is a great place to come to feel better. This is not a place to come and complain about how horrible your life is. It’s not a place to come and bitch and whine and let it all out. Go let it out someplace else, like a journal or by taking a walk. Then, come here and feel better. “I hate my life and here are all the reasons why”, is not helpful to you or anyone else. “I hate my life right now and am really trying to feel better. Does anyone have any uplifting words for me?”, on the other hand, will bring the love of the community flooding down upon you, and will serve everyone involved.

Practice what I preach

I get that these rules might make you wonder if I want all my readers to pretend that they’re happy, even when they’re not. But that’s not the goal. Just as I will not listen to my clients go on and on about how much they hate their jobs without stepping in and getting them to focus on something that will serve them better and align them with what they DO want, I won’t let the community on this blog perpetuate the energy of what they don’t want. Ultimately, it’s a bit of tough love. I can’t, in good conscience, preach that feeling good is the way to go, and then let people bring each other down in the comment section. And I encourage you to help each other by gently but firmly reminding each other not to kill the cat. :)

Back to Happy Shiny Puppyland

As soon as I defined my own boundaries more clearly, my anger completely dissipated and I quickly regained my happy shiny puppyness. I’ve since gone through the blog and removed quite a few comments that broke the House Rules. I’m certain I didn’t catch all of them, but I promise to do better from now on. At this point, I’d also like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being here and playing with me. This isn’t just a happy place for you, it’s the same for me, and that’s because of you awesome people. I really want to do right by you, and I want nothing more than to continue to make this community better and more valuable. Will you help me?

What do you think of the House Rules? Can you apply any of my lessons learned to setting your own boundaries? Share in the comments!

 

{ 132 comments }

Fonzy Montenegro February 5, 2013 at 12:26

Nice one, Melody. That was elaborate of you. I think this phase of redefining your boundaries just came at the right time and it’s perfectly normal for a popular blog like yours.

Keep it up!

Cheers,
Fonzy
Fonzy Montenegro invites you to read..How I See CompetitionMy Profile

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 16:09

Thanks Fonzy,

I did go through this about a year ago, but it was definitely time for some fine tuning, lol. And I’m sure it will happen again at a new level down the line. Just like real life… :P

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..What Does The Law Of Attraction Say About Vaccines?My Profile

Fonzy Montenegro February 5, 2013 at 16:25

Yeah, you’re right.

By the way, thank you for your help and advice Melody. I’m finally more present and in the moment now. I am noticing the wonderful stuff around me than the future. I’m noticing my poshed-up room that my father worked on for me. The Sony Bravia TV that’s stuck to the wall.

My new Intel Core i7 PC that my father sent me last November, the iPhone 4S I got last May, the new PC mouse and fantastic stereo headphones I just bought earlier tonight, and my ability to write good stuff and share it with wonderful people.

Awesome, awesome stuff when you’re present; it’s literally positive thinking (and most importantly… feeling) ON AUTOPILOT.

If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have reached this level. So thank you. ;)

Cheers,
Fonzy
Fonzy Montenegro invites you to read..How I See CompetitionMy Profile

marjorie February 5, 2013 at 19:08

hey fonzy!

just had to respond because I loved the energy in your post and it helped raise my vibration by reminding me how important it is to live in and appreciate the NOW so thank you!

marjorie

Fonzy Montenegro February 6, 2013 at 08:31

No prob, Marjorie!

I’m glad that I could share the love that comes from being present. Live in the NOW because that’s all there is. And the more you can do this, the more Law of Attraction will work for you.

Stay present,
Fonzy :)
Fonzy Montenegro invites you to read..How I See CompetitionMy Profile

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 19:57

YAY Fonzy!!! Great job!!! Keep up the great work, it will result in positive manifestations shortly, if you keep holding this vibration of appreciation. Yay!

Huge hugs,

Melody

Fonzy Montenegro February 6, 2013 at 08:33

Yes, Melody I will keep holding this delicious and fun vibration.

Once again, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, and THANK YOU! You’re the best!

Cheers,
Fonzy
Fonzy Montenegro invites you to read..How I See CompetitionMy Profile

Jann February 5, 2013 at 13:33

I really have been enjoying reading your blog and I looked back in my email to start to go through the “Find your purpose” ebook and realised I have been reading your blog only since November last year. I have learnt so much from you in this time! I am amazed how much in such a short period of time!

In this post really liked the bit about:

“We don’t honor our own boundaries, when we allow others (but really ourselves) to cross our own personal lines”

I completely understand this, about giving your own personal power away and saying “no thats fine – I can take that – gloss over it – I am more understanding/compassionate/spiritual/bigger picture thinking than that”

I am glad that you have said its okay to ask questions and not just have a vent for venting sake. I have a question :) Respect or more importantly self-respect as a “concept” has been coming up a lot for me lately. I say “concept” because it doesnt seem tangible to me. Has anyone manifested lack of self respect before and now has a different perspective about it and is manifesting respect for yourself and respectful relationships? Would love to hear about it and learn from it! I am sure this is all inline with boundaries

I love coming here and being with like minded people who want to learn and uplift each other+ and a safe place to ask questions for clarity – who knew I would feel this safe on the world wide web lol!

Lots of love and hugs to you all :)

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 16:13

Hey Jann,

Thanks so much for your kind words.

Actually, self respect and honoring your boundaries are pretty much the same thing. If you don’t honor your boundaries, then you’re not respecting yourself. So, setting some limits and not letting yourself cross them is a way to show yourself respect.

I thrive on questions, and so of course, people can ask loads of them. It’s all in how it’s done.

We love having you here Jann.

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Quick LOA Questions Volume 15 – Let’s Talk About ManifestingMy Profile

Annie February 5, 2013 at 13:49

whoa – massive resonation with that one (and such perfect timing landing in my inbox just as ……

(suffice it to say MASSIVE grabbing back of self-respect and claiming back my own power AHA moment just this weekend – (which includes a broken hand because my angry monster was waaaay out of control with no one to haul it back))

Thank you for this post. Confirming and comforting all in one

Lak’esh

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 16:15

Hey Annie,

I’m sorry to hear about your hand! There are less painful ways to let out the anger, but at least you’re letting it out. :)

I’ve seen this issue come up all around me lately, and it seems that it’s going to be a theme for a while. We all need to learn and practice setting our boundaries in a peaceful, effective way. It’s not something many of us were taught to do comfortably, but it serves us so, SO much. And, it feels really good. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Why You Think You’re Ugly – The Fallacy Of Standardizing BeautyMy Profile

Rainec February 5, 2013 at 14:16

Although you have explained about your aims and what you would like to enforce and why I still feel you run the risk of some people thinking that you are censoring people who do not agree with your point of view or are scepitcal about the whole LOA process.

Given that you are offering services for a financial reward as part of your activities I wonder whether it will put some people off your message and viewing you as genuine. The reason I wonder this is because it feels as though unless the people on your blog and so on are agreeing in the terms you want them to then you are taking away their voice and this feeds in to marketing when people come and look at your website. ‘Oh wow everyone agrees with her she must be what she says she is’. Removing criticism or dissenting opinions that don’t fit in the right way seems like it is not transparent. For me the key here is you are offering a paid service. If this was only a blog sharing information with no financial reward for you I would think differently. Then I’d say yea sure your house your rules do whatever you like.

To me I don’t get offended or find my frequency gets out of whack if someone does not believe what I do or challenges me on it or even says I am wrong. I know what I experience and what I believe and feel robust enough in my beliefs not to let those sorts of attitudes spiral me into rage. If someone is overtly rude that is a different story.

So personally for me, my opinion is I am disappointed in this new turn from you.

In addition I really feel the image is distasteful. It implies with the caption that the man is non-consensually groping that woman’s breasts. I find that really jars with the message you are trying to put across. It’s not ok, even as a joke, in my view.

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 16:32

Hey Rainec,

Thanks for sharing your opinion. Notice that your comment does appear here because you were respectful in your critique. I have no problem with people disagreeing with me. Truly. And it happens all the time, so I get loads of opportunity to practice. :)

What bothered me was that I was engaging and allowing readers to engage at a level that wasn’t in line with the blog’s two objectives. THAT felt bad. I was doing so out of a feeling of obligation, and some fear (as I described) and not because I was inspired to. I don’t run away from criticism. If someone says “I don’t quite believe in LOA, but if it’s true, then how do you explain this and this and this…?” I will always answer those types of questions (and even did a whole 4 post series on answering a skeptic’s questions). That will not stop. I also won’t stop tackling controversial subjects or getting up on my soap box.

People are very welcome to disagree with me and anything they read here, but they must do so respectfully and within the rules. You managed to keep within the rules just fine. :)

As for the issue of providing a paid service, that’s an interesting perspective. Here’s how I see it: The blog is free. So is almost everything I publish. But, if you don’t agree with my style or what I say here, why would you want to take it to the next level and pay me for anything? I’m not here to convert anyone that doesn’t believe in LOA, and I’ve stated hundreds of times that readers should always listen to their own gut to determine if something is right for them. I’m here to attract those that already resonate and agree with this information, those who are actively looking for it and want more.

I don’t see comments as reviews of my “product”, I see them as interaction from the community. These are discussions and sometimes debates. And again, anyone can disagree with me. But if I want to create a happy oasis, then the tone and intent of all communication has to be one that fits into that objective. I’ve discovered that we can’t have it both ways.

I suppose it can be boiled down to this: If you communicate from the assumption that we’re enemies and that I will take what you say (big, proverbial you, not you personally) badly, and you’re already on the defensive when you make your comment, that’s not helpful. If you communicate from the assumption that we’re all friends here and that your comment, which is meant to be helpful, will be received in the spirit in which it was intended, it will be helpful to everyone here. If the spirit behind the comment is disruptive, I will remove it. If the intent behind it is to further knowledge and understanding, it can stay, no matter if the comment is supportive or critical.

And, as for the image, well, all I can say is that not everyone always shares my sense of humor. It happens and it’s a risk I’m willing to take. Perhaps you’ll like the next one better. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Overhauling Our Education System – LOA StyleMy Profile

Laura February 5, 2013 at 19:41

In other words, Mel, what I see is that you are simply stopping any sort of bully behavior or anything that resembles it.

It’s so depleting when you’re having a conversation with someone in a peaceful manner, sometimes even excited in a happy way about what you’re talking about, and then an opinion you express, gets met with with nastiness and words like stupid or silly, or ridiculous.

That’s disrespect and obviously that person has issues, but to allow that kind of verbal attack without sticking up for yourself, would just be disrespecting yourself. You are drawing a line that you see as necessary and the thing is that when we don’t draw our own lines, there are folks in this world that will take advantage of that, both consciously and unconsciously. But interestingly those types go away or never show up because they know and sense that behavior won’t be tolerated.

Agreeing to disagree is sometimes what needs to be done, and in fact disagreements can make for very interesting discussions if we don’t get offensive and defensive with each other.

“Throwing rocks at each other” just because we might think differently or have a different perspective doesn’t resolve anything nor does it help anyone feel any better about anther’s point of view. I’m certainly much more willing to listen to someone who disagrees with me, who speaks respectfully than someone who is throwing out derogatory terms at me letting me know how dumb I am because I think something different.

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 20:00

Hey Laura,

Exactly. It’s all about keeping in mind why we’re here. Anyone who keeps those objectives in mind while they express their disagreement will be fine.

Huge hugs,

Melody

Jakzeel February 5, 2013 at 21:09

I think we can all agree that Melody puts forth a lot more energy and time into this community than how much “financial reward” she gets. She is not getting paid to respond to each and every comment on this thread for instance… This isn’t just Melody’s “job” or “hobby” .. this is her life. Think about the amount of hours and energy she spends on everything… even the small things like reading our comments and responding.

As for you finding the image distasteful… Melody has her own sense of humor (which I completely resonate with) however you might not. You are exactly right… it implies that the man is non-consensually groping that woman’s breasts. He crossed a boundary. The crossing of that boundary caused a reaction. If the majority of the audience understood what Melody was trying to show… then she got her point across. :)

Also, I think it speaks volumes that Melody even told us she wasn’t going to allow disrespectful and energy-lowering comments. How many websites do that already and don’t tell us?

lorraine February 5, 2013 at 14:26

love this post x

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 16:33

Thanks Lorraine!

Huge hugs,

Melody

Jim Case February 5, 2013 at 14:40

Good Morning!

I have two thoughts. My first is congratulations!! Boundaries are a big deal for many people, and the more “public” you become for more challenging knowing how to manage them becomes. I think you guidelines are awesome and right on point. Everything still boils down to “how does it feel?”. Clearly, you recognized that something wasn’t feeling good and set about the process of re-aligning and clarifying. How does it get better than that? In addition you are able to share this process in detail, which hopefully will allow those that may be struggling to make their own shift and re-alignment. To me, the most important piece was recognizing that; even though this is a public forum, it is YOUR public forum and you get to have it however it serves you. As soon as it stops serving you and your desire the alignment shifts and with it your power. You created your reality, you owned it, you identified what you want, you clarified it, you re-aligned, and now you are expanding yet again!!! Whoooohooooo!
The second thing- I know the challenges of having BIG energy and people around me who can handle it. If you should EVER need it, I am available and willing to hold the space for you should you need it. I can hold a huge space and can “see” through the fire show!
Thanks for all you do! Have a terrific week!

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 16:39

Hey Jim,

Thanks so much for your encouraging words. And for your wonderful offer. I will definitely keep it in mind. Thankfully, anger isn’t something I deal with often anymore.

I was also thinking that I’ve written so much about how to truly help others (by holding that energy), it might be useful to show the flipside – the perspective of the person looking or help and understanding the value of someone who would not be affected by their vibration, but would help to explore the anger impartially. I’m grateful to have people in my life who are there for me in that way when I need it. And now, it seems the Universe has brought me one more. Thanks Jim!!

Sending you huge, happy, shiny, smooshy puppy hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Apparently I’m About To Be Assassinated For My AwesomenessMy Profile

Jim Case February 6, 2013 at 00:13

BIG HUGS right back!

Jim

Nathalie February 5, 2013 at 14:54

I don’t have a big insightful comment… but it just occured to me that I’ve never actually thanked your for your awesome blog. So I wanted to say thanks, Melody, for inviting us into your “house”. :-) Your blog is my happy place, and a place I go to when I need to feel better about things. I can always find something here to shift me up a little (or a lot). You rock. :-)

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 16:40

Thanks so much for the validation Nathalie! I love the idea of this being a happy place for people to come to. Honestly, it’s a dream come true. :)

Huge hugs for you!

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Rehashing Memories – When You Should Leave The Past In The PastMy Profile

B February 5, 2013 at 14:57

I dun like it when you get angry Melody, I feel the rage from your ‘vibrational hand’, ish scary xD!

I like the House Rules, I find it rather aggravating seeing people bitching about stupid things all over the internet. I managed to curb the habit of ‘feeding the trolls’ when I first began learning about LoA ^^;

I want a happy shiny puppy… I saw a pretty little Husky today, so that made me very happeh :)

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 16:42

LOL B, don’t worry, I would never write a blog post while angry. I will never share that energy here (why would I want to perpetuate it and spread it all over you guys?) But I will share my experiences after the fact, so that you can hopefully benefit from the clarity I’ve gained.

Ooooh, Huskies are so cute! And I know the feeling – I get happy just from seeing a dog.

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Can I Use LOA To Change My Grades?My Profile

Veronica February 5, 2013 at 15:24

Hi Melody,

This blog post was just in time for a question I had about setting boundaries within relationships-particularly those where the balance of power is unequal. “Boundaries” is such an awkward and complicated subject for me.

But first a diversion- What a powerful bunch those people that made you mad are! I have to be honest and say that anyone that got past your LOA bodyguards AND triggered Melody Fletcher must pack a punch. I guess it’s like some of my friends that have all the tools but apply them to the wrong task.

My question: In a romantic relationship, most people set limit such as not accepting cheating, abuse, and other unwanted behaviours. There are also boundaries of privacy and respect. I have confused, because I found out that my boyfriend is not cheating, but does flirt with female friends in text and conversation. I feel he crossed the boundary, but not in a big enough way to end the entire relationship. He has told me I have crossed his boundaries when I followed the knot in my gut and had a look in his phone.

In a work relationship, or other situation where one party has more power over the other. (boss-employee, parent-child, landlord-tenant etc) how does the person in the “lesser” position set the boundaries of respect when they have nothing to impose on the “superior” person? E.g. an employee or tenant can’t fire or evict someone.
I feel like there are some situations where one person has power, and calls all the shots, while the other must bite their tongue or suffer the consequences.

Thank you for this wonderful coinciding of thoughts!

P.S. Also looking at career building articles, and they mentioned couples that share email addresses as “having no boundaries” and things like that were normal VS crossing lines of privacy and co-dependence get blurred.

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 16:55

Hey Veronica,

First, I want to clarify something: people who trigger me don’t do so because they’re powerful enough to. It’s not an act of aggression. I attracted specific people and events into my reality that would trigger me so that I could see some thoughts I had that I wasn’t aware of and which weren’t serving me. This is what happens all the time to everyone. The offenders actually did me a favor – they were participants in events designed to serve me. And they did.

I’m not immune to negative emotions and there’s nothing bad about having them. We are meant to have negative emotions – they serve us greatly. So please don’t think that there will come a time when you’ll never get angry again. It won’t be the same things that make you angry (it used to take a whole lot of boundary crossing before I’d have an anger response. Now even just a teensy bit does it. I’ve become much more sensitive, so I notice the emotional response much earlier, but the response is still there and I’m grateful for it.), but you’ll always have the full range of emotions. And thank God for that. :)

You ask some complex questions. Did your boyfriend cross a boundary? It’s not really the other person who crosses a boundary, it’s us crossing our own. So, what does it say to you about you that he’s flirting with other women? What insecurity does it bring up? And what about it feels so off to you? Do you feel that you need to control him so that he won’t be unfaithful? Do you expect him to be? It seems to me that you attracted an experience that is showing you that you don’t really trust your bf. This isn’t so much about boundaries as it is about trust. And your bf attracted controlling behavior from you, probably because he has an expectation of that. He doesn’t feel free. So, you are both triggering each other in different but compatible ways.

I’ll address the issue of setting boundaries in boss/employee relationships in a post. Like I said, this will be a theme this year, so expect it come up in different ways. The biggest boundary one can set at work is, of course, to quit and find another job. Energetically, we always hold all the power in our reality. When we remember that, we can shift any outward circumstances that feel otherwise. Really. I’ll give you examples of that in future posts.

I don’t think I’d share my email address with my hubby. But to each his or her own. If it works for the couple, why not? If, however, they are doing it because there’s a trust issue (the joint email box is a way to control one party), then it should be addressed. These things have to be taken on a case by case basis. I would never say sharing emails is categorically bad. But that doesn’t make for such a great headline… lol.

Thanks for playing with me here! :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Can I Actually Manifest Positives While Thinking Negatively?My Profile

Veronica February 6, 2013 at 04:08

Your reply is quite difficult to answer. This is the same guy we spoke about long ago that was diffusing all male friendships, by interrupting and winning them over as his own friends.
He sends out many confusing signals, such as pulling away from me, but also showing jealousy if I pull away from him too much. I find this unfair, and in some ways controlling.
In the past he was not happy about me talking too much with males friends (I was not flirting, just a normal conversation) and showed this with body language such as sulking, ignoring me, looking very sad or angry. So I dropped out of contact with a few people. (He didn’t tell me verbally to stop, but he may as well have. He has that ability to get what he wants in a way he can deny as no solid proof)

Now, I find out about these female friends, I feel this is unfair. He also says it would not bother him if I did the same thing, but when I speak with some men and he sees he conveniently interrupts or pretends to casually ask about whom I’m talking. (Denies this) It’s a double standard he pretends not to be enforcing on me, but he does by withdrawing affection.
What it says about me is that I feel naive, silly, and it feels off because of being both unfair and simply stirring up jealousy in me.
It worries me because flirting is more than normal conversation, and could lead to attraction or something more. I don’t think he’d act on that, but the fact he might think about it is insulting. The insecurity is I want a great relationship, or a clean break, not something half-way.
It also makes me feel powerless, because he knows it’s not enough to have a consequence such as ending the relationship, but enough to clearly upset and annoy me. I feel like I can’t do anything and I feel like my upset should be enough. But he doesn’t care; in fact he pushes more for his right to do this. I’m not entirely sure exactly why I care, just I don’t like it.

Thanks again for the great responses, and look forward to those blogs!

Veronica February 6, 2013 at 04:19

P.S. If I read books dealing with this type of behaviour, will I be self-helping, or just feeding more energy into this side of him?
Because he can also be a doll you know.
;-)

Dawn February 5, 2013 at 15:27

Ahhh….boundaries. Been working in those for a long time. It’s good to know it’s ok to refine them. Sometimes you don’t know exactly where they should be till someone pushes them.

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 16:57

Exactly Dawn. That’s the whole purpose of contrast – we see something we don’t like and now we know where the boundaries end. And of course we can change them. We are always changing and evolving, and so our boundaries will change. For example, something that used to offend you may no longer do so, so your boundaries will have changed. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Starting 2013 Off Right – January Of Abundance!My Profile

Ysindla February 5, 2013 at 15:31

Hi Melody

Wonderful syncronicity at work here! I was beginning to feel that honouring who and what I wanted to experience in life was real and then I started backsliding. How do we really determine what is an acceptable level of “ask” from somebody when our livelihood is contigent upon the degree of openness we have to others for them to come to us in the first place? I am not whingeing, just wondering how to put the theory into practice so that I don’t get overwhelmed or exhausted each time I make a very small step forward. I spent all day and most of yesterday evening listening to stuff that people simply wanted to offload on me. I couldn’t shut the door of my shop (as I have to try to run a business) or ask the person I live with to go easy on me because, in reality, I was waiting for him to console me and the reverse happened.

I don’t want to hide away from life (or other people) but if my vibration says “walkover” I’ll have to address that one. I always believed that we came here to earth to help one another. The “one” helping all the “others” is a physical impossibility.

Many thanks for allowing me to ventilate – its helped and I’ll post something positive next time, I promise!

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 17:04

Hey Ysindla,

That’s a great question. Here’s the thing: your income or ability to make money in your business is not dependent on you taking on all work, whether you want to or not. But you have a belief (that most people share) that it is connected, and so you’re afraid to say no to any business. It’s money, after all.

But, when you determine whom you want to work with and what kinds of clients you really don’t want, you can focus on the perfect client and attract more of them. And, you can begin to fire those customers who are not worth the trouble. Do this slowly, but start practising saying no. Some people will get pissed off with you, but you’ll notice that those are generally the people who weren’t really good clients. They didn’t bring in much money and were way more work than anyone else. You don’t have to serve anyone and everyone. You can attract those people who love you and what you do, those who will benefit the most from your service, who will be truly happy with what they’ve bought from you, and will tell others about you. You don’t have to take people who aren’t really into your stuff and convert them. That’s a losing battle. Let the LOA bring you those people who are actively looking specifically for you and what you provide – your style, your product, your service, your personality, your boundaries, all of it.

Learning to say no, especially when there’s money involved is hard. But it’s also really freeing. I’ve fired clients. I’ve said no to business that I really didn’t want. I’ve said the words “I can’t help you.” Was any of that easy? Nope. But ultimately, it freed me up to give more value to those whom I could serve. You get to choose who you want to work with, and how you want your business to feel. Remember, it’s your reality. :)

I hope that was helpful.

Huge hugs,

Melody

Jax February 5, 2013 at 15:40

Well said Melody,
Boundaries are needed for everyone to function to their best ability. I applaud you for being upfront about it.
I must say that I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago after looking into LOA. I find myself in very difficult times and was not sure how I could change my life and situation. After taking sometime to consider my life I realised it started about 15 yrs ago when I went through a very difficult break up. I allowed myself to go down a very dark and rocky road. I did get myself through it and moved on but life was never quite the same as it used to be when I was younger. I also noticed that in my younger days I was always a carefree and happy person who when I had an idea of something that I wanted to do I focused on it and just knew that I would do it. Of course, I always ended up doing that thing. It never occurred to me what exactly I was doing, in fact I had never even heard about LOA, however I had been doing it all of my earlier life. So although I have succeeded in many things over the past 15 yrs I have had many obstacles thrown my way which has caused distress. Although my current situation is not the best it can be, yet, I have began to read lots of information about LOA and abundance and have started to retrain by brain into a new way of thinking. That’s when I stumbled across your blog.
I can tell you that your blog has not only helped me but inspired me to think and look at situations differently. Your style of writing is fresh and fun which makes your blogs an easy and interesting read. I now feel that I am on a smooth road to where I want to be without the stress and pain I was experiencing. I believe that the universe will support me and abundance comes to me with ease. I would like to thank you for that.
So as far as someone going down the criticising route and attacking the beliefs of other’s……well that’s bullshit, they should not be on this site, find another site to express their negative outlook, after all the people who read your blog are here for inspiration and positive help. I thank the universe for helping me find such a fun and inspiring place to help me get to where I know I should be.
A very happy person from England x

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 19:25

Hey Jax,

Thanks so much for sharing your journey here, and for your kind words. Congrats on finding your way back to Who You Really Are. You’ll find your detour has served you well (it’s always easier to see this in hindsight). And I’m so, SO glad that my blog and this community could be a part of your journey.

Huge happy shiny puppy hugs,

Melody

J February 5, 2013 at 15:49

Hi,

I think this is a good post and it helped me realize that boundaries are good and I have no idea on how to implement them in my own life, being rather insecure, low self esteem, no confidence and afraid to speak up for myself. I have only made maybe 3-4 posts here, and I hope none of them have caused you any pain, the last one I made was all over the place – literally. I do appreciate having you hear, because even though sometimes I don’t get what you are saying (I haven’t reach that understanding) the pictures always usually give me a smile and a smile has to count for something in the right direction. This is a good place. Thank you.

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 19:27

Hey J.,

No, you’re fine. Don’t you worry. And keep reaching, you’ll understand as much as you’re ready for, and that’ll be more and more each day. And with that clarity will come opportunities for you to set boundaries. When someone does something that doesn’t feel good to you, it’s an opportunity for you to figure out where your boundaries are and how to enforce them (hint: it’s never about slapping the other person, it’s about selecting what comes into your reality).

Huge hugs,
Melody

Victoria February 5, 2013 at 16:03

I want to come here and feel better, and Melody, you do just that! But, I do need help or I should, uplifting words from the community.

It has to do with a guy (go figure)….anyhow we only dated for a few months and it’s been another few months or more since we broke up. The thing is, I can’t shake him. I’ve had longer, more intense relationships, and it doesn’t usually affect (effect? my grammar sucks) me this bad! i just feel so connected to him and protective of him. I really don’t know why….and don’t judge me for what I’m about to say…but he was (probably w/o realizing) emotionally abusive and has accused me of cheating many times when I haven’t. Maybe he is this way because every girl in his past has cheated on him, or maybe’s this way because of guilt he has from his past when he got in a car accident and killed the other person. My point is, I feel like i did something wrong to make him be, well, not so nice to me. I don’t know why I can’t shake him, or this situation!

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 19:33

Hey Veronica,

This is a tough one, my dear, and will need a bit more than a comment. But bottom line: You did nothing to MAKE him be not so nice. But, you did attract someone who is not so nice into your reality. So, my advice would be: focus less on trying to bring out a better version of him in some way, and more on why you find it necessary to spend your time on this guy who doesn’t treat you well. Do you feel that you can’t attract someone kinder, or that you don’t deserve to be treated better? Do you feel that you can change him and make him happy and that it’s your responsibility to do so? All of these are false beliefs, BTW.

You may want to take a look at Call #033, it deals with getting over abusive relationships. You can check out the call summary here: http://members.deliberatereceiving.com/coaching-call-033-getting-over-an-abusive-relationship/

I hope that’s helpful. Focus on YOU feeling good, not on him feeling good, because the two are probably not the same, even though you think they are.

Huge hugs,

Melody

Just call me A. February 5, 2013 at 16:04

I know, Melody, people bitch all the time. I managed to set this boundary long ago and it has really helped. I think the way one expresses him or herself is important, though, and valid. Tone is important and is encouraged to be worked on, at least from what I have been taught.

It is different if you approach someone in a kind, nice manner to inquire about something rather than yell at them (apparent from their tone), demanding to know how they are doing something because you are frustrated yourself. The response and exchange will be much better and go more smoothly for sure. Some people tend to yell and force opinions and even themselves on others which, at least to me, is not enticing or inviting, so I just do not go there. I don’t have to, as that is not the way to do it anyway. On another forum, you need to clear this up before posting anything, hence its very high vibration. Of course this is your blog, and a top one at that for obvious reasons, which has helped tremendously.

Just some thoughts. Most of us learn better in a supportive and caring environment.

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 19:39

Hey A.,

I agree – most people learn better in a supportive environment. Also, it’s important to support feeling good, period. :) I’m a work in progress, so is this blog and so is the community. Isn’t it great we all get to evolve together like this?

Huge hugs,

Melody

Kathleen Plumley February 5, 2013 at 16:26

I want to thank you, not only for today’s blog, but for your continued willingness to openly share your life experiences with such honesty and heart. …. so that we can learn from them.
Suffice to say, each time I read you blog, I find myself not only uplifted and encouraged.. but also challenged by what I’ve read.
Boundaries !!!! Who doesn’t have something more to learn about them. I was reminded today, that like you, I have been allowed things into my reality that caused me much frustration and at times anger.( Due to my limited beliefs.) As of today, I will be setting up some new house rules as well… It’s time to honor myself, and maintain my own boundaries. thanks again

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 19:40

Thanks Kathleen! I really appreciate the feedback!

The whole process of working out what you want your house rules to be is a really valuable one. That’s actually where the major changes take place. Then, the willingness to post them and communicate them really solidify your intention to honor yourself. I found it a really empowering experience. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody

Karen February 5, 2013 at 17:53

I saw some of those negative comments and thought “whoa! This isn’t the forum for that!” Good on ya for clearing all that up!! :) Much love, light and happy puppies! xo

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 19:42

Hey Karen,

Thanks for the encouragement. It’s been a great experience to more finely tune the identity of this blog. I have no doubt that many readers go there before I did, lol.

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Ysindla February 5, 2013 at 18:10

Thank you Melody. I really appreciate your fab blog. Feeling quite heavenly! Cheers, Big Ears xxx

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 19:42

Thanks Ysindla! And you’re very welcome.

Hugs,

Melody

Nay February 5, 2013 at 18:13

Yeah Melody!

Boundaries is probably one of my biggest triggers. Of course this post just keyed me into it. :) I find my biggest falicy in this is that my boundaries limit others. If I actually state that I don’t like something, or try to keep a boundary, I so often feel guilty! And I often let this happen over and over without even realizing it, until I explode. Not…helpful…at…all!

Once again you have reminded me that others actions towards me are reflecting my inner beliefs/thoughts, and it’s something I have to work on. What I want and decide is best for me, has no bearing on anybody else, so what they think can’t be my concern. It’s that whole understanding yet not really believing thing. I know it but I haven’t gotten rid of the inherant “buts” that crop up in my head.

Thank you always!

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 19:45

You’re so welcome, Nay. Setting boundaries is really just about being honest and authentic, so as we become more honest, we have the chance to redraw our boundaries. It’s all a process, and don’t you worry, you’re doing really well! Otherwise, you couldn’t be sharing your wisdom here!! :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody

John Hare February 5, 2013 at 18:13

Thanks, Melody, for such a thoroughly thoughtful and uplifting post, and for your entire blog! I want to echo what Kathleen says above. Your ability and willingness to share your own experiences with honesty and heart add an element to your blog and your work that has helped me tremendously!

I really do feel like your blog is an oasis of upliftment!

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 19:46

Thanks so much John!! For your kind words and for being here and adding to the community. You guys really help to create a safe place for me to share all that stuff so honestly. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Donna February 5, 2013 at 18:21

Thanks for this post. I have not been following the blog for the last few weeks. My work life has been busier and I had been thinking that was the reason, but now I know that part of my absence was due to my discomfort with some comments.

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 19:47

Wow Donna,

That’s so powerful. I hadn’t even considered that the comments that were causing me discomfort were keeping people away. And now that I’ve shifted, here you are, right on time. Wow. Welcome back to both of us. :)

Sending you huge smooshy hugs,

Melody

Michelle February 5, 2013 at 18:56

Melody-

I wanted to thank you for taking the time to share your entire process of working through this situation. I’m sure you could have been more brief and just reported your “conclusion” and the new measures that are being used to resolve the problem; but actually detailing the thought process and how ,specifically, you take responsibility for your own feelings and actions is immensely helpful. I don’t know about other people, but learning how to think differently, feel differently and respond differently is all about why I am reading blogs like this. If I didn’t need instructions and examples, I wouldn’t spend the time learning – I’d just be out manifesting everything I want all the time and having the perfect life. Since that is not yet true for me, there must be more to learn and I appreciate your help in that.

Thanks also for the happy, shiny puppy tag. Each time I read it, I feel the energy in that description and I smile.

Sincerely,

Michelle

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 19:51

Hey Michelle,

You’re so very welcome and thank you so much for your wonderful feedback. I like step by step breakdowns of things I’m learning, which is why I teach this way. I think I attract readers who are very much like me in many ways (makes sense…). I’m so glad this blog is a part of your journey and helps to you bring you clarity. That idea makes me do a happy dance.

I love the happy shiny puppy hugs visual, too. I’ve not found a better way to communicate that sentiment. :)

Smooshy puppy hugs!!

Melody

Elizabeth February 6, 2013 at 00:33

Hi Melody:

I agree with Michelle that seeing your process and you taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions is very helpful because your process is something that I’m going to adapt for myself on my journey. Hmmm, on the journey – it’s not just a band – so don’t stop believing. :)

Infinite blessings,

Elizabeth

Michelle February 6, 2013 at 03:37

lol…I’m old enoughto remember and young enough to still think they ROCKED:)

Michelle

Elizabeth February 6, 2013 at 03:42

Michelle – when people ask me how old I am, I always say…I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to still have fun. :) I remember Journey as well and yes, they rocked.

Amber February 5, 2013 at 19:37

I love this post! It’s right on time as usual. Perhaps you or some of your readers can help me. I have been experiencing some major boundary crossing. 3 people on my in-law side of fam. Long story short, hubby and I are going thru some personal things and these 3 people have consistantly been nasty to me behind my back and even on Facebook (you know the cunning statuses I’m talking about). I have been called names, criticized, gossiped about, deleted as a friend, etc. I can truly say I have done nothing to these people to deserve such treatment. I thought we were all on good terms. I realize they are confused and don’t understand what’s really going on with me and the hubs but it’s gotten out of hand. I gave up on trying to reason with 2 of 3 and the last one I tried to share my truth with blew me off and made another mean status on FB about me instead of directly resonding to my direct communication. I make mistakes but I don’t believe I deserve this nasty treatment. Should I just ignore these people and find a better feeling place within myself where their attacks don’t bother me? You said that we don’t need to allow everything into our reality and find a way to feel good about it. I’m not sure how to keep this type of thing from entering my reality. I’ve hid two of the 3 of FB so I can’t see any posts and 1 has deleted me so that’s a non issue there. I find myself so hurt by these people, how do I forgive, heal and move on from this and not allow in my reality anymore? I mean, I will see them eventually since they are in my immediate in-law family.

Melody Fletcher February 5, 2013 at 19:56

Hey Amber,

I wouldn’t try to move on to forgiveness just yet. First, I would’ve said delete or block them, but you’re already done that. You can’t control what they write, but you can control if you see it. And there’s no reason for you to do so. Ignore them and focus on something that feels better. If anger comes up, let yourself experience it. If you express the anger, you’ll find that very quickly, you’ll be talking about this differently. You’ll get to the core of what’s really bugging you. Why do you care what they are saying about you? Why do you care if they like you or not? These are obviously rampantly insecure people (otherwise they wouldn’t need to try and drag you down so publicly), who are enjoying having someone to beat up on.

You can’t move towards forgiveness until you’ve let the anger out and gotten to the core of what’s really going on. As long as you blame them, you can’t forgive. But don’t go blaming yourself. Once the anger is expressed, you’ll get to the core of this and then you can take responsibility for your feelings without self blame. And only then is forgiveness possible. :) Step by step does the trick.

Huge hugs,

Melody

Jann February 5, 2013 at 23:27

Hi Melody,

I listened to your coaching call about abusive relationships and see a common thread about how these types of relationships ‘go public’ ie on Facebook other people have their 2 cents. In the coaching call you said something along the lines that it got pretty bad if it went public – i didnt really understand what that means. What does that mean if a situation escalates in a public arena about you or the other parties involved – similar to what’s happened her for Amber?

Thanks,

Jann

Ayla February 5, 2013 at 20:15

Amber, I love what Melody said. And if I may add my two-cents’ worth:
Whether or not you are guilty of their negative attention and comments (and I sense that you are not), the truth is, it still hurts. I would suggest, if you can, to keep being you. You are not required to respond to any of their negativity, so don’t feel you have to. Trying too hard to defend yourself, even justifiably, can sometimes only add fuel to the fire, not to mention sap your good energy as well. If you give anything attention, positive or negative, it will thrive. Remember that this too, shall pass. If you strongly maintain your integrity, and stay focused on your path, the rest of the world will soon clearly see who is right and who is being petty and foolish. But don’t count on the offenders making amends or offering apologies for your own satisfaction or closure. It may not happen like that. That’s not your problem. Over time, those who wrongly accuse and judge you will realize the truth as well, as their judgments will come back to bite them in the asses! That is their reality, and by then, you will be far and beyond past it. I wish you the best.

Amber February 6, 2013 at 01:08

Ayla! You nailed it for me. “You are not required to respond to any of their negativity, so don’t feel you have to. Trying too hard to defend yourself, even justifiably, can sometimes only add fuel to the fire, not to mention zap your good energy as well.”

That’s the ticket!!! I kept feeling like I needed to defend myself of the assumptions and lies. Set the record straight. I tried once and it backfired. I know that me trying to clear it up only made me look desperate for her to understand me and truthfully, I shouldn’t give two rats about what these people think of me. They don’t have it all together either. They’re to busy throwing stones at me and my problems than focusing on their own. I suppose the reason it got my panties in a bunch is because they are family and I have to be around these people often. I like family to be a safe, supportive place. Awe well. I’ll let my class shine through and continue to be cordial and forget them as trusted friends and family. They are just 3 people that I have to be around and I’m quite content in my own skin so the heck with it all! Thanks ladies!!! Just the pep talk I needed!

And Mel…I started to believe their crap. That’s another reason it bothered me so. Thanks again!
Amber invites you to read..Getting What You Want Out of LifeMy Profile

marjorie February 7, 2013 at 17:35

Hi Amber!

So glad that Ayla’s post resonated with you, she was spot on. I would like to add that, unfortunately, sometimes those closest to us are the ones that hurt us the most but, like you said, you can choose to let your class shine instead of wasting your time trying to defend yourself. There’s no need, doesn’t it feel good once you realize that?!

Marjorie

Ayla February 5, 2013 at 19:59

Dear Melody,
There are far too many other places in which to engage in heated discussions or arguments. A forum would be a more suitable place in which to have heated discussions, but even there, they must be done respectfully. In my personal opinion, follow-up comments would reap the most benefit if they at least are in line with the initial subject of the post and especially if they echo its intended message.
I understand why you might be concerned that setting boundaries could be perceived as censoring or bias, but I think that considering this particular setting and subject matter on your site, it’s important to keep the focus on the message. I believe your decision about this is right on.
I feel certain that all of us who visit here don’t come for grief and upset (we get more than we’d like of that elsewhere, thank you!) but rather knowledge, answers, affirmations, and support. These gifts in turn enable us to pay it forward to others.
A little salt enhances the sweet, but too much makes it bitter and inedible.

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:24

Hey Ayla,

Thanks so much for your encouragement! I really appreciate it. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody

Stan walks a lot February 5, 2013 at 20:32

Wow Melody,
This is indeed timely,as I am facing the exact same issue on my FB wall page, almost verbatimn. A comment that was border line nasty/disrespectful was posted directly to one of my more open minded friends.
Since then .I’ve also been considering how to maintain a respectful, friendly open, learning environment on my page.
I also ran into this experience at a support meeting I recently attended.The person who picked the topic, I thought was unduly attacked.The next week I raised the issue only, to be overruled with the xplanation that everyone is entitled to voice their opinion,and they can’t control the outcome. I respectfully disagreed.
So Hats off to you Melody for addressing this and bring order what wousurlyley be comple chaos otherwise.
ps. [did you ever get the e- mail and link I sent you if not please send me a
e-mail , or not because it'sbut it's not a big deal but either way.]

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:28

Hey Stan,

I’m with you. Everyone can express their opinion, but the organizer or host gets to determine how that message can be conveyed. To me, it kind of comes down to what people are REALLY saying. When criticisms are just veiled insults, the message isn’t valuable. But when the message is useful, then the person delivering usually takes care that it will be received. So many people really just want to be right… If only they knew that they always are. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody

PS: Yep, got the mail! Thanks!

Catharine February 5, 2013 at 20:43

Thumbs up, guide lines are always good to keep us focused… good subject to be even more clear about… thanks a million!

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:29

Thanks Catharine! And you’re welcome!

Huge hugs,

Melody

Julie Barrett February 5, 2013 at 21:22

Melody, The boundaries issue started cropping up for me about two Thanksgivings ago, in a huge way. It seems like one of those things that we never really get done fine tuning!

If you ever need an extra energy holder-upper, don’t hesitate – I am good like that if you let me pace and be on the phone at the same time :)
Julie Barrett invites you to read..Behind The Scenes of Your IntuitionMy Profile

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:30

Thanks so much Julie!! I’ll remember that and of course, I’m happy to do the same for you. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Tinu February 5, 2013 at 21:40

Melody you always share from your heart, I felt something much deeper in this post, like the ‘calmness’ after the ‘storm’.

It brings such great relief when we face such emotions and are able to finally put it to rest, in a way that feels good to us, it’s always about how we FEEL, it’s what I’m begining to learn. If it doesnt feel right fix it.

I have had to put boundaries, at times when it begins to hurt and ‘feels’ off. Looking back all I was doing is finding reasons why I should keep up with them, take them and tolerarte them (limiting beliefs). I get pushed so far, then the explosion, ” cant take anymore” ”enough is enough”, when really boundaries should have been set in place from the start, but then how do you know you have to set boundaries ? you can’t, only when it feels right to do so.

No matter how open you are, friendly or non-judgemental, there are those who would want to take advantage of that, the world over, if there are no boundaries set they would go as far as they can push you, nothing to do with them, it’s all about what I have allowed.

What I did find hard though, is that it leaves me feeling hurt, used, taken for granted and so on, I am learning to look past the hurt, trying to accept that although boundaries , yes, are the most difficult thing to do, it protects me from feeling hurt again.
Thank you Melody !

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:33

Hey Tinu,

One of my favorite Oprah quotes is “You teach people how to treat you.” If people cross my boundaries, it’s really my own fault for not defining them clearly enough. And we are the ones hurting ourselves, ultimately. So, drawing boundaries is a way of honoring what makes us happy, and what we don’t want. It’s the ultimate in self-respect. :)

Thanks so much for your kind words and support.

Huge hugs!!

Melody

DawnStar February 5, 2013 at 22:00

Kia ora Melody, and well, about time I reckon. I wondered what was going on to be frank because I could feel what you were feeling even though you didn’t seem to be doing anything about it :] And there’s a big message for me right there! Thank you :]

But more interestingly than that, I have just gone through something very similar albeit in the flesh rather than online. I found myself in a position where I allowed my boundaries to become blurred all because I was trying to be respectful to someone who was doing me a ‘favour’ and, in hindsight, I felt that I should defer to them because I had a limiting belief that they were ‘above’ me.

I’m like you, man do I hold a big space, and when my patience facade started to chip off all 125 people at the event felt it. It was like I had set up a ‘do not cross’ wire around me. I did manage to stop myself from exploding because I knew what I was feeling was about ME and not the other person but I felt my vibration switch several gears from compliant and passive to ‘don’t mess with me’ – i guess others would have perceived me much as a ‘crouching tiger’. It served me for as long as I had to remain.

I left as soon as I could and it’s taken me close on two weeks to put it down. A lot of what went on was to do with that old belief certainly, but now I realise THIS was a big part of it too.

Thank you sister and I’m all for keeping the kitty alive :]

When I got home

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:37

Hey Dawn,

LOL, and I thought I hid it so well, he, he. Just goes to show, you can’t fool vibration. :)

I’m glad the post was valuable to you in your situation as well. It would be interesting to get mad in a room full of people and see how many of them fled. ;) I’ve had a crowd part like the red sea when I was walking down it in anger before. That was kind of fun… (ok, in hindsight.)

Huge hugs!!
Melody

Nay February 5, 2013 at 22:01

My kindle is being uncooperative, so let me try to finish this…again :)

Your blog is a VERY wonderful place, despite the VERY FEW who haven’t quite gotten the hang of how important being and focusing on positive is, as you and LOA state over and over again. It’s so important, and you re-establishing some boundaries can only benefit everyone!
Nay

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:38

Thanks Nay!

And tell your Kindle to stop censoring comments. That’s MY job… :lol:

Huge hugs!!!

Melody

Cheryl February 5, 2013 at 22:16

Have I told you lately that I love you? Every time you post, it is like a window into exactly what I need to hear right now.

First, I was struggling with “not good enough” feelings that were manifesting as a desire to “do something new.” I figured that out after getting horribly sick, which was the only thing big enough to get my attention. Hey, I asked the universe to help me release whatever resistance was stopping me from getting bigger success, and it felt the need to answer by letting all of the resistance out of my nose. LOL

So I finally start getting past that and remember to stick to what I’m doing, only to still feel burnt out. I couldn’t place it. Why was I still sick? Why did I feel like crap? Why was this resistance still so strong?

BAM – the universe answers with an email from a client that specifically involved working WEEKENDS. Then I saw your blog post in my inbox, and went to read it.

BAM again – that is why I still felt like crap. I still felt “not good enough”. If I didn’t work 24/7 and prioritize everyone else’s goals over mine, I would lose my whole business because this crazy work schedule is the only reason I’m still in business. I honestly believed that.

Enter boundaries, and I already feel better. Delegating, setting my time aside, and not prioritizing anyone else’s goals over mine. That doesn’t mean I can’t SHARE goals with someone (like making their company a huge success) but it does mean that my goal of prioritizing family time and only working my 9-5 is MY responsibility to create, and that I can still respect my goals and priorities while making them a huge success.

Yep. Love you.
Cheryl invites you to read..The Secret to SuccessMy Profile

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:42

Hey Cheryl,

Awww, thanks chica! I love you too. But not in a perverted way. Probably.

Having my own business has caused me to redefine many of my boundaries and further define many more that I didn’t even know where needed. It’s certainly been a huge exercise in boundary setting for me. But the more I do it (usually not publicly), the more aligned I become with what I want. I feel better, my life is easier, and it seems like defining boundaries is really just a way to fine tune what LOA will bring to me. So yeah… it’s valuable stuff. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody

Elizabeth February 5, 2013 at 23:17

Hi Melody:

I LOVE your blog and since being led by the universe to it about 2 months ago, it has helped me tremendously in my life. I’m glad that you have set these boundaries for your blog. One of the things that I enjoy about your blog is seeing nice, helpful & encouraging comments from others that might mirror what I am going through in my life, which ultimately helps me on my journey. Personally, I generally steer clear of mean and disrespectful comments on websites in general since I find that it is just someone else’s need to be right or in-control (of what?), which I find really boils down to their own fear and resistance to something that they just don’t want to deal with. And on a just human decency level, there’s really just no need to be mean and disrespectful to others.

Infinite blessings,

Elizabeth

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:46

Hey Elizabeth,

Thanks for your encouragement. One of the things I love most about this blog is the community, I’m with you on that. Sometimes, the comments are better than the post! When I’m on a site where the comments aren’t moderated, and I know that trolls will have participated, I tend not to read them at all (or, sometimes, just a few for fun. Trolls can be very, very funny in their fake outrage). Isn’t it nice that there’s room for all kinds of sites, so no matter what kind of comment one wants to make, there’s a place out there where one can make it. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Amy February 5, 2013 at 23:30

Thank you Melody! I love that you are committed to keeping your website a place of healing, sharing, and uplifting energy. I found your blog last year while going through a divorce, and I keep coming back for your great (and straight forward) insights as well as the kind and supportive community here.

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:47

Hey Amy,

Thanks so much for your support and kind words. I’m so grateful for the community that’s here. Honestly, I think so much of the value of this blog comes from you guys. You know, otherwise, I’d just be a nutter on a soapbox yelling something about energy and vibration… ;)

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Claire February 6, 2013 at 01:21

Hi Melody

Your blog reminds me my experience recently. Someone senior at work often asks me very basic questions without going through the thinking themselves. I got triggered and felt confused how could this happen over and over again.

This morning it happened again. I got angery and went to another colleague and expressed my feelings. He is a person very good at finding another perspective. He was reading a newspaper and showed me a cartoon. It was a person waiting a delayed metro and the implied meaning was he was suffering a short term and long term memory loss. It made me laugh, because the person triggered me was a senior. In my opinion, that person should retire because she is not able to do her thinking properly.

I was wondering if I should be more implicit next time and ask my colleague to think through before asking. However, part of me was wondering whether it was too rude to say it to a senior.

Regards

Claire

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:50

Hey Claire,

Why does it bother you so much? Would it bother you less if the person were younger? It sounds to me like there’s some resentment there, that may have a different reason altogether. Do you feel undervalued? Do you think the senior staff are unfairly valued more?

I would figure out what you’re really mad about before talking to the senior. I think there’s a deeper story here…

Huge hugs,

Melody

Claire February 7, 2013 at 00:46

Hi Melody

Maybe a little bit less bothered if she is a young trainee. I think my emotion is more towards anger than resentment. I am a little frustrated because old beliefs always surface say that you can not teach an old dog new tricks. I also think that I am too nice sometimes so these people don’t go to my colleagues. I have seen them scolded by being a mailman and expecting other people to produce answers for them.

I think I am valued fairly at work and I do not complain. With LOA understanding, remuneration is more related to how much a person has allowed the well-being to flow through. I have seen a lot of cases where people don’t seem to be very sharp and got good money flowing and the opposite cases.

Thank you for your reply. I always get excited when I see it.

Regards

Claire

Melody Fletcher February 10, 2013 at 20:44

In that case you may simply feel like you HAVE TO reply, like you don’t really have a choice, because they’re old. There could be a belief about respecting your elders in there.

You don’t have to be mean to set boundaries, but you don’t have to do anything you don’t want, to, either. Why not politely ask them to please investigate things before they ask, so that you can use your time more efficiently? You can be nice about it, but still decline to help when you really don’t want to. If you’re not inspired to help, it’s not true help anyway…

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..This Stuff Really Works! – A Reader Shares Her StoryMy Profile

claire February 10, 2013 at 22:34

Hi Melody

Thanks for your reply. I like the win win outcome.

Have a good day.

Claire

Arvind Devalia February 6, 2013 at 02:48

Melody, thanks for helping me clarify my own boundaries.

I got really angry with a friend over the weekend – and I now know I was angry with myself for allowing her to not respect my boundaries.

Melody, did I tell you that you rock!?
Arvind Devalia invites you to read..5 Key Lessons in Simplicity from Gandhi the Ultimate MinimalistMy Profile

Fonzy Montenegro February 6, 2013 at 11:14

Hi Arvind!

I enjoyed your post about Gandhi’s simplicity! I do agree that it’s okay to accumulate TONS of wealth as long as you’re detached to it! Anyway, a job well done on your post… it was a really GREAT read.

Keep the positive sharing going,
Fonzy Montenegro
Fonzy Montenegro invites you to read..How I See CompetitionMy Profile

Arvind Devalia February 6, 2013 at 13:27

Hi Fonzy!

Great to connect with you via Melody’s blog:-)

I checked out your latest blog post about how to see competition in a different way – great stuff!

Keep it from your end too.

Love and best wishes

Arvind
Arvind Devalia invites you to read..5 Key Lessons in Simplicity from Gandhi the Ultimate MinimalistMy Profile

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:51

Thanks so much Arvind! Isn’t it great how the Universe inspired me just in time for your fight? ;)

It takes a rocker to know one. Rock on, dude!

Huge hugs!

Melody

Carole Remy February 6, 2013 at 03:40

Wow, what a timely post, Melody! Seems like this topic is on a lot of people’s minds. I love the way you lay everything out so clearly. Woohoo!

I love the metaphor of the vibrational island. This blog certainly is that for me!

Huge Hugs,

Carole (aka MC aka LAS…)
Carole Remy invites you to read..Love, rescue, spay, neuter, adopt out, vaccinate, and have fun with dogs!My Profile

Fonzy Montenegro February 6, 2013 at 11:12

Hi Carole!

Just read your current post and what you’re doing is awesome! I LOVE DOGS!

Keep it up,
Fonzy

Carole Remy February 6, 2013 at 18:03

Thanks Fonzy!
Carole Remy invites you to read..Inside the Latest Spay/Neuter Campaign in Colima, MexicoMy Profile

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:53

Thanks Carole,

This is definitely the first big topic of 2013.

Huge hugs,

Melody

tony February 6, 2013 at 03:54

Hi!

I hope you don’t stay too committed in your new direction as half of my comments will be in danger!

I can see the benefit in setting boundaries in a community. The good thing is that you are in charge of this place so you can enforce those rules and keep the balance. As I can speak only for myself, I promise I will not hold an image of Melody being an evil dictator, building up resentment until she gives in the manipulation of the emotional blackmail. I also promise I will remember that Melody has a kind and soft approach to every human being if I see one or more of my comments mercilessly removed from the face of this blog. And I will not put her on black list because of one of her actions, completely disregarding all the other useful stuff of untold value which she gave us for free.

Please, don’t treat us with so much respect. I love it but it creates a cognitive dissonance I can’t handle. :) I suspect this is a war against suffering. And I also suspect we are not a regular army, I somehow see you as the guerrilla leader. Have you ever seen a general explaining his plans in detail to soldiers who have not yet learned how to aim their rifle?

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2013 at 23:58

Hey Tony,

I appreciate all your concessions. In turn, I promise not to remove comments mercilessly. There will be mercy. And possibly chocolate.

I promise not to succumb to emotional blackmail. I’m more partial to bribes, really.

I’m afraid I’ll have to respectfully continue to treat you with respect. My sincerest apologies for the inconvenience, sir.

And you’re right. This is no normal army. This is the Happy Shiny Puppy Army. We don’t need rifles, we have LOA, and aiming is more about focus, which those who are here are learning to do better every day. I think we’re ready. As soon as we can agree on the Uniforms, we’ll suit up and move out! Oh, I guess we’d better agree on a destination, too. Sheesh, maybe we could just sit here and focus and let LOA take care of it while we eat some of that bribery chocolate. ;)

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Fonzy Montenegro February 6, 2013 at 12:25

Hi Melody!

I read an article about Eckhart Tolle on his opinion about the Law of Attraction and here are some of his quotes:

“Of course, the act of creation is there even without humans.”

“There is a desire in humans to participate in the act of creation.” keyword: Participate
Fonzy Montenegro invites you to read..How I See CompetitionMy Profile

Just call me A. February 6, 2013 at 14:46

Hey Fonzy,

This is really good! Thanks so much for adding it here! I nearly went crazy the last couple of years about a supposed missed opportunity which, thank goodness, Melody cleared up in a post and I had worked on since. People are products of their conditioning. I have always felt that those who went against the beat of society were the truly successful ones, both personally and financially, but the rest think that is just not possible, and it most certainly is! And, yes, if we focused on ourselves only, which is what we should be doing, this world would be even more awesome. Thanks for the reminder.

I still have family who give me grief over some stuff and think I am still that little girl they can manipulate because that is how I was raised and suffered with them a lot, but I have faith that if I manage to hold a high vibe, they won’t bother me.

Fonzy Montenegro February 6, 2013 at 15:45

Glad you found this helpful, A. Thanks for taking the time to reply. :)

Wishing you the best that this life can offer,
Fonzy
Fonzy Montenegro invites you to read..How I See CompetitionMy Profile

Melody Fletcher February 7, 2013 at 00:00

That’s awesome Fonzy! And I totally agree. We are simply participants in our own creation. If we truly realized that, we wouldn’t get in the way so much… :)

Hugs!

Melody

Adrienne A. February 6, 2013 at 21:17

Great post Melody!
It was perfect for me today, I got triggered big time last night over this issue – setting boundaries and honoring myself. So this was perfect timing. :)
And I think your new house rules are spot-on! Your doing an awesome job! :)

Hugs and smiles!
Adrienne

Melody Fletcher February 7, 2013 at 00:12

Thanks so much Adrienne!

Huge hugs,

Melody

Laura February 6, 2013 at 21:26

Synchronicity at it’s most potent, my friend Mel-O. I can’t count how many times I wanted to email you a question about doing a post on dysfunctional family dynamics, which is essentially a topic on drawing boundaries in toxic families.

And twice I clicked your “Contact Me” button to do so then withdrew. So after much thought in what to say, I have decided to post this and say that I would be very interested in seeing a post about how this relates to families whose boundaries have always been non-existent.

Of course I realize that this sort of thing gets “passed down” through the generations making it pretty complicated.

Abuse and boundary crossing flies from every direction in my family, leaving us all walking on eggshells. My father was unpredictable while I was growing up and really still is. I describe him as having the personality of an alcoholic without actually BEING an alcoholic. And my mother was passive and enabled his behavior, very rarely speaking up about his rigidity and what was essentially cruelty. He was verbally/emotionally abusive, for the most part. Not much in the way of physical abuse but it happened a few times.

OK so more to the present, we all walk on eggshells now (and it’s really bad among my two siblings and myself) and there are double standards where the very same behavior is excused as an emotional reaction in one, but it is the cause of pain to the family when the same sort of behavior comes from another family member, Not only do I see this as a double standard but also as enabling the one who is being excused for his behavior.

And yes, it is me who is NOT being excused for my behavior. Not that I want to be. I just want the double standard to stop. I have been told I am, what the psychology world calls the Identified Patient.

I have certainly allowed fear to get in the way of my drawing boundaries, having certain conversations, etc. And it has reached a point where I feel like the only answer is for me to separate myself from my family after attempts at approaching family members to resolve, make amends, etc.

I would prefer to resolve it. I would prefer to draw boundaries too, yet don’t feel strong enough to do so at this point. I also feel that although I am willing to own my share and know full well that I do own a share in the dysfunctional dynamic, I also feel that I am not being met half way.

It hurts to hear my mom tell me that my brother’s threatening and verbal abuse is an emotional reaction when my emotional reactions are what has hurt the family. In talking to her I have “tried” to get her to see how skewed this is and at times she gets it. But then she’ll say something else that indicates enabling abuse against me.

I was thinking of this as me arguing to be right, since I was trying to get her to see my point. And I don’t think this is a matter of agreeing to disagree. I see her thought process as enabling my brother to abuse me. And for me that’s not OK and is a form of abuse in itself.

However it doesn’t make sense to keep bringing it up trying to convince her of my point of view trying to make the unacceptable acceptable in my mind. I feel like it’s more my “job”…responsibility to decide whether I can accept this thought process in her and still keep her in my life. I cannot.

Thing is, I’ve been in other relationships where I didn’t accept the person’s thought process in what turned out to essentially be covert abuse (I wasn’t aware of) and would try to convince them their thinking was off.

I see now that in those situations, which were intimate relationships, that if I’d been more conscious of myself, more willing to listen to my body telling me something isn’t right here, I would’ve realized what really needed to be done was to walk away. Of course that bleeds into the need for approval (as well as everything else I’ve written here does) and holding on at all costs out of need. And that of course stems from the entrainment from my upbringing. And I have continued to long for approval and acceptance within my family, not feeling as though I have it. And allowing that to dictate my behavior and who I am. I realize that is a matter of drawing boundaries too and taking my power back.

I don’t accept the fact that there really isn’t a willingness to meet me half-way, even when I am willing to own my share of the crap. Confusion sets in too with the belief that since I’ve dished it out (although willing to own it) I deserve to receive it and take it.

Wouldn’t it be healthier in my thinking to say to myself, “They are certainly welcome to their thoughts and opinions but since they are unhealthy for me, I need to remove myself, so that I don’t have to listen to all the blame coming my way.” ?

That would be accepting my non-acceptance of the way I’m being treated and their thought processes, so in removing myself, I’m not only doing myself a favor, but them too, since they think some pretty awful things. I believe that separating myself will not only help me become who I really am in a positive productive way, but will also allow me to see more clearly my part in all of it and although already conscious of behaviors, I still feel tethered and caged. I think separating myself will create less anxiety allowing me to be much more honest with myself and work through “my stuff” in a bit more relaxed way.

I have been struggling on what to say in a letter to each of them…whether to include specifics in boundary crossing and abuse in addition to owning my own stuff. But this sort of detail hasn’t felt right, since I think it would just come across as and feel like to me, just more blaming and finger pointing, not to mention rehashing. I think it would be more appropriate to just tell them it’s something I need to do due to the complications of the family dynamics, so I can sort out my part in it and make peace with myself and everything else.

I fear the repercussions though. I fear the anger and even my brother flying into a rage. So I have not done anything yet because of that also.

Anyway, I’d love to hear any respectful input, thoughts, opinions, feelings on the subject matter, in the way it relates to LOA or otherwise.

Thanks for reading and big hugs.
L

Melody Fletcher February 7, 2013 at 00:06

Hey Laura,

My advice would be to get away from your family for a while. Truly separate yourself. Not forever, but it’s going to be nearly impossible for you to shift your vibration with them triggering you all the time. If you get some distance, it’ll be much easier for you to change your energy and, over time, you’ll be able to have a much different relationship with them than you do now. Don’t try to get them to change so you can feel better. Setting boundaries is about YOU, not THEM. What feels better? Continuing to engage with them in this way or taking a break? Opt out of the drama. Then work on your vibration in solitude. Check in with them from time to time to see where your vibration is at, and then go back and work on it some more.

This totally works. I personally turned around (180 degrees!) some of my own family relationships this way. But it’s much, MUCH easier if you get some distance.

I hope that’s helpful.

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Laura February 7, 2013 at 04:24

Very…helpful that is. And I agree.

Thing is, Dad is really sick…like dying sick. So it looks like I’m going to get a crash course in setting boundaries.

I’ve set my first one tonight with my Mom who wanted me to help clean my Dad’s apartment. My parents are divorced by the way. I told her NO, I’m not going to clean for him. She’s going in there and using his chemical cleaners, things that make me utterly sick and I told her all that. I use natural stuff in my home.

I agreed to cook for him, that is something I enjoy doing and do it pretty well, so I had no problem with that. Once the cleaning stuff dissipates, I don’t generally have a problem.

Now to figure out how the car thing will work out. I don’t have one so I’ll need to drive his car to take him to appointments, which I also agreed to help with. We don’t live close and so I don’t know how the back and forth thing will work, nor do I know if he’d be willing to relinquish the car to me to keep.

Oh boy, let the games begin.

Thanks Mel…I don’t know how long my dad has, but I wouldn’t be surprised if both my bro and sis are thinking in the same vein of separating from me when my dad is gone. It really won’t make me feel better to not help right now.

For now, I’m going to have to learn about boundaries inside the drama. Hopefully they can put it aside. If I get raged on however during this time, by either of my sibs, that will be my cue to exit the drama.

Hugs,
L

Melody Fletcher February 10, 2013 at 21:22

Great job Laura,

Of course you help if that feels better, but as you said, you don’t have to put up with the drama and don’t have to participate in ways you don’t want to. Remember, that you can always walk away. You can leave the room, go outside, go home for a bit. You can leave an argument if it’s not constructive. You don’t have to sit there and be yelled at.

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Amber February 6, 2013 at 23:40

Thanks Melody…how about a post on boundaries and intimate relationships…pleaseeee :)

Melody Fletcher February 7, 2013 at 00:13

Hey Amber,

If you could formulate a more specific question on that, it would help me a lot. This will help me make it more relevant to the real world… :) Email me directly (or send it through the contact form), if you’d rather stay anonymous.

Huge hugs,

Melody

Susanne February 7, 2013 at 00:04

WOW!! I sometimes think you have a spycam in my house, Melody, because you are SPOOKY in the way you talk about the exact thing I need to hear just about every week. Spooky good, understand. But still . . .

And yes, I, too, have a boundary issue in my life. It’s just one person & she’s not family & the situation with her will resolve later this year anyway, but she has a very powerful negative energy & over the years has managed to undermine my usually very strong boundaries to the point that every interaction with this woman leaves me furious, resentful & completely upset. Until mid-December when, out of the blue, I had this incredibly clear realization of how she manages to play me — I finally worked out, in other words, what my HUGE trigger was and why she hit it every. single. damn. time.

I mean, I always did know it was about me, not her, but I was always so angry & defensive in my dealings with her I was never calm enough to figure out what was going on. But it was during two solid days of journaling when the answer hit me, and I started laughing at my own gullibility. The anger & resentment just vanished! She is phobic about making decisions & so manipulates the rest of us into either making a decision she can then react against — while loudly playing the poor victim — or convincing us it’s our job to solve her problems. It’s much more complex than this, of course, but the pattern is there, so clear I cannot imagine I haven’t seen it before. And it plays perfectly into my guilt issues with always wanting to be the “nice” girl. Well, this “nice” girl just said “F%$k that!”

Since then, I have twice graciously but firmly resisted taking it upon myself to solve her problems. In fact, just a few days ago, I actually told her “I’m sorry I can’t help you, but this really isn’t my problem to solve.” The reaction was what I expected: surprise, manipulation, then anger. I stood firm. When she threatened “well, if you don’t [do this thing], then [this awful consequence] will happen” I just shrugged and said “I can see where that might be a problem”, and walked away.

This isn’t over, of course. It’s going to take a while for her to accept that I will no longer be manipulated or bullied into doing what she wants, and I’m sure things will get unpleasant. But I can truthfully say I honestly don’t care. I feel about 1000 pounds lighter, my rage is gone, I feel great . . . boundary set, and will be maintained.

Which brings me back to that spycam, Melody . . . it’s in the kitchen, isn’t it. Or maybe the front hallway??

Melody Fletcher February 7, 2013 at 00:18

Yay Susanne! Isn’t it great when the penny drops? Love that feeling of clarity. And then the negative emotions just vanish. Congrats of figuring it out and standing your ground and saying no.

Also, hard to tell who’s doing the grabbing but I think you’re right. It’s the guy in the middle. Poor sunglasses dude is about to have his own boundaries crossed…

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Susanne February 7, 2013 at 00:08

Darn, I forgot to mention that I laughed at the picture accompanying your article. Not at the fact this woman’s had her breast grabbed — been there! — but the fact I am pretty much 100% sure that the poor guy behind her in the sunglasses to whom she is directing the Laser Death Look is NOT the one with his hand on her breast. It’s the guy (almost hidden) standing between her & the women to her left. I’d love to see the NEXT photo that was taken . . .

Melody Fletcher February 7, 2013 at 00:22

Oh, and almost forgot. I don’t need a spycam. I’m. In. Your. Head.
Buwahahahahahahahaha!

Hope February 7, 2013 at 02:33

Melody, I agree with you. I believe you have helped a tremendous amount of people, including me, with your words and knowlegde. You always take the time to write longgggggggg answers and on top of that reply to each comment and still you have to live your own life! I do not know how do you do it, but YOU DO! I am extremely grateful for what you do and I believe you have the right to set your own boundaries AND post whatever Image YOU want to on Your blog. I love your work. Thank you. Many blessings your way. keep shining! You rock!

Melody Fletcher February 10, 2013 at 20:45

Thanks so much Hope! I really appreciate the kind words and support. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..This Stuff Really Works! – A Reader Shares Her StoryMy Profile

Renae February 7, 2013 at 04:49

What an incredible post – and for me – the timing simply couldn’t be more perfect. All of your blogs are excellent and incrementally help me better understand the LOA and where I am along my own growth continuum. But, every now and then you have a real zinger that punts me many yards down field. This was definetly one of those. I needed this clarity to help with a lot of work-related situations and people. Turns out, blogs and blog posts aren’t all that different than cubicle farms and office meetings. Who knew?

I’m posting this quote in place where I will see it every single day until I know it by heart:

“It’s not more enlightened to let everyone speak their mind, regardless of their agenda. This game isn’t about allowing everything into our realities and finding a way to feel good about it, but rather about figuring out what we want more of and selectively focusing only on that.”

Infinitely helpful. Immediately applicable.

Thank you!

Melody Fletcher February 10, 2013 at 20:46

You’re so welcome Renae and thanks so much for the feedback! :)

Huge hugs,

Melody

Eve February 7, 2013 at 14:40

Thank you so much for a post that yet again has been timely for me. As always I will be printing this out and reading it over and over in the next few days as I find there is so much to learn from each post.

One question – I get that the issue around boundaries and how we react to people crossing them is our stuff, not theirs. So, should we be ‘setting the rules’, in other words telling the person that they are now crossing our boundary, in all cases? I am horribly bad at doing this, so of course my preferred answer is to work on yourself and leave everyone else to do what they are going to do! (Issue right there)

An example: there is a person that I like very much (I know that sounds like a teenager, which I am definitely not :) ). This person refuses to pronounce my name correctly (obviously not the easy screen-name here). This is clearly not an earth-shattering big deal, but I don’t really like it and it bothers me very much that someone I like and am trying like blazes to impress with my general awsomeness is not doing this one little thing. I have mentioned it, which is why I say ‘refuses’.

So, is it best to let that whole drama go and focus on my feelings and thoughts around this issue? Or should I actually say to the person that this is not ok – I don’t like this? And possibly end up sounding petulant and petty.

Melody Fletcher February 10, 2013 at 20:53

Hey Eve (how the hell does one mispronounce Eve?),

It’s not always a good idea to verbally set boundaries. Here’s the thing: You can determine how you will let people treat you, but you can’t determine who will treat you that way. If you start telling others that they must change, you’re going to have an argument on your hands. However, you can tell them that if they want to play with you, these are the rules. The difference is that you’re not saying they’re wrong, you’re just saying what your rules are. They don’t have to play with you if they don’t want to.

Forget for a minute that you want this person’s approval. That’s messing you up. If someone mispronounces my name, I correct them (it happens quite a bit, actually). If they do it again, I correct them again. I’m not bitchy about it, I don’t assume that they’re doing it on purpose. But, I don’t ignore it, either.

So, if someone says “Hey Melanie”, I say “It’s Melody”, in a kind, matter of fact way (not defensive, I’m assuming it was an honest mistake, even if it’s the fourth time).

Also, I make sure that I don’t really care. I know my name. If they can’t get it straight, it’s their problem and not a reflection of me (as in, they don’t value me enough to get my name right so therefore I am not valuable). If you can get that energy right, then people will quickly get your name right. They might make a mistake, but they won’t keep repeating it.

You can set your boundaries without alienating people. Be kind, assume their innocence, but don’t back down. You’re worth standing up for. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody

Alice February 8, 2013 at 03:07

http://youtu.be/G-yhCO76xEU

This was a powerful and wonderful post. I have already PMed my compliments.

This video has a “contrast” person that brings out some of the best LOA answers out there.

Melody Fletcher February 10, 2013 at 21:17

Thanks Alice! I remember seeing this a while back and loved watching it again.

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Alice February 11, 2013 at 04:08

I’m really grateful for red hat man. He has guts. He sat in that room taking a risk that all the people might not like his questions.
Some didn’t and rolled their eyes or laughed in background. But he continued anyway.

It had a great answer, and it took some guts to be honest like that.

You can say the thing that will keep you friends, or you can say the things that are true and need to be asked.

I’m having mixed feeling about all this, as like after reading your blogs or watching Esther, I feel all fired up and inspired. :-)
I feel like I have the answers, and I can make my life just great. I could even be healed if I just stayed happy long enough.

I feel tempted to send emails saying how great my life will be, and how it is going really well, and how this all works.
I’ve been very close to being a LOA convert!

But it soon wears off and I’m grateful I didn’t open my mouth too soon!

There are many success stories from people that got all fired up like me in LOA forums.
But I’ve yet to see one that was months or years later after the “fired up” feeling wears off.
I would however LOVE to see that, on a deep, permanent, life-changing level.

Melody Fletcher February 16, 2013 at 19:14

Well, there’s me. I kept at it until the fired up feeling was there more often than not. It takes a bit of time, but it does happen. Just don’t get so down about the times when it goes away. Be ok with that and know that you can get it back anytime, but just focusing differently (which you do by immersing yourself in this stuff).

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Does LOA Teach Arrogance?My Profile

Catherine Burke February 8, 2013 at 19:02

Hey Melody,

I only found your blog yesterday, and it was like a breath of fresh air. I had been looking for blogs in my niche to learn from and I found yours on Steven Aitchison’s list of great blogs. I’m so glad I did.

I am really passionate about personal development, and positive thinking, but I am new to the blogging scene, but I’m loving it so far.

As for your awesome post, absolutely, get rid of the negative stuff it only makes people miserable.

Will be signing up to your list, and learning from your experience:-)

Best wishes

Catherine.

Melody Fletcher February 10, 2013 at 21:18

Hey Catherine,

Welcome to the Happy Shiny Puppy Army!! It’s great to have you here. :)

And thanks for the encouragement. I really appreciate it.

Huge happy shiny puppy hugs,

Melody

Ashley Cole February 8, 2013 at 22:10

Hi Melody! Thank you so much for this post! It came right on time! *Thanks Universe*
My partner mentioned to me this morning that I have a lot of pent up anger and agression and it comes out when I drink alcohol. She said sometimes I hate when you get drunk…now that’s not the first time I have heard that in a relationship be it a partner or a friend. So I went on your blog to find more information to release anger and how to find out (for me) what I’m even angry about… It’s definitely going to be a journey but like you I’m generally a shiny happy puppy and my anger/aggressiveness only really comes out after I have been drinking….So I’m not sure of the next steps but I am so happy to read this blog and work on boundaries (a trigger for me) and figuring out what I want so I can be a happy shinny puppy even if I drink. Thanks!

Melody Fletcher February 10, 2013 at 21:20

You’re so welcome Ashley!

Don’t forget to check out my blog posts on anger here: http://www.deliberateblog.com/tag/anger/

and I also have an article about it here: http://www.deliberatereceiving.com/power-of-anger.html

Huge hugs,

Melody

Alice February 17, 2013 at 12:47

This post has multifaceted value, and it’s one of those ones I can read more than once and depending on the context it serves various purposes. I’ve had multiple positive reactions to it and can apply it to a few things depending how you read it. You could be talking about so many different things here.

“And when we don’t honour our own boundaries, when we allow others (but really ourselves) to cross our own personal lines, the result is usually a great deal of resentment and anger.”
“Allow” There are people that cross my boundaries, but I’m not allowing it. It’s more like I don’t feel I have a choice. I have no consequences to offer. I can’t delete real-life remarks.

“I have a BIG energy field that has a lot of power to affect those around me.”
How can we tell if we have one of those? How does one get one?

“Once I was finally able to find someone who could withstand the force of my anger without letting it affect them.”
Best boast ever! ;-) & how did you attract them while on the anger frequency? (Ooh that was a smart question!-I am so smart, s-a-r-t, I mean s-m-a-r-t!)

“I’ve never quite understood why anyone would seek out a blog out of the infinite number of pages they can go to, just so they can disagree with it. Why not go find something that they can agree with, instead?”

This is a huge question. What is it about the physical body that led the humans so far astray on so many different levels- that so many false beliefs and negativity is the natural way to go? Looking to push against… Why is this normal?
If we are source, how did it all end up like this? Why is it so hard to get back? And if it’s all restored easily when we die, why can’t we be fixed up now? All the awkward processes…you get the core of what I’m saying.

“That particular manifestation won’t be needed anymore. The message has been received, thank you very much.”
I want some of that! How do we get rid of unwanted lingering manifestations? I’m full of them, and I get it already too.

“If you’ve found yourself being offended by something someone has written (me or a reader), remember that your reaction is about a thought you’re having. Don’t place the responsibility for how you feel on others. If you need help working through your emotions, you’re welcome to ask for it by sharing your reaction (but owning it). Otherwise, keep your reaction to yourself.”

-Don’t place the responsibility for how you feel on others. That is confusing. I could really learn something here as I’ve had arguments about this very topic.
You get someone being mean to you—aren’t they responsible for being the trigger that turned you from YAY! To wanting to rip someone’s face off in an instant. (Or in my case from YAY! To very, very sad and hurt.
Isn’t their responsibly not to be a dick to other people? Not to be nasty? If someone punches you in the head, that’s not your fault, it’s the guy that punched you in the head, and caused you pain. Don’t blame the victim punching dude!

“I’d also like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being here and playing with me. This isn’t just a happy place for you, it’s the same for me, and that’s because of you awesome people. I really want to do right by you, and I want nothing more than to continue to make this community better and more valuable. Will you help me?”
Yes, and thanks for being that person I have D&Ms with. :-)

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 22:30

Hey Alice,

Allowing boundaries – walking away is an option

Big energy field – meaning I have fast moving energy (strong desires), and I tend to be quite stable, even in my anger, which means others tend to be affected by me (when I’m really focused) rather than the other way around.

I had to get general enough in my focus before I could attract someone who could help me. As long as I was really focused on my anger, I couldn’t let anyone in.

RE False beliefs, I answered this in today’s blog post.

If someone is punching you in the head, you attracted it. First, walk away and get out of danger, then figure out how you attracted it.
That’s not the same thing, however, to entering someone’s house, looking at something there and declaring that they must change it because it offends you. In that case, walking away so that you no longer see the offence would be a much better option.

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Why Do Our Brains Accept False Beliefs As Truth?My Profile

Lisa June 11, 2013 at 09:57

Hi,
I’m new to your blog, but several posts were helpful tonight. I’m looking for some help. I’m an empath, and I’ve chosen to go into mental health counseling, where that gift is very useful. I realized (again!! or maybe just had to acknowledge) I was an empath as my counseling skills progressed, and my counseling skills have improved as I’ve worked with my empathic abilities. A win win! I’m usually pretty good with my boundary-setting and realizing when feelings are mine or someone else’s.

OK, all sounds great so far, right? Here’s the problem. I have a co-worker who started deflecting all her negative emotions to me sometime around the end of the year 2012, and it took me a while to figure out that was happening, because when I would sort of pinpoint her as the source, I would ask, and she would deny she was feeling anything, and “act” all happy and stuff, so I would doubt myself and think it was my issues. Now, I don’t normally distrust myself when clients deny something I feel/suggest/explore, I figure they’re just not ready to face it and drop it. But, my co-worker is a therapist as well, and it is getting weirder and weirder to deal with this. I’ve also had other co-workers who notice something is ‘going on’ with me and this co-worker, but not sure what it is. I met with her 6 weeks ago and had a long talk about this, letting her know I’m empathic (not those words), and that her energy is affecting me at work. We talked about the possible sources of her negative energy, and that she may need some help herself (I had already gone to talk with a professional therapist several times to clarify that it is more than something in me simply being triggered). I actually still struggle that it may be something in me in conjunction with having difficulty deflecting her energy. I’ve pinpointed some things in me, but usually awareness of my own struggle helps me in the moment that the other person’s negative energy affects me. Not so in this case. Also, this doesn’t have the ‘acute’ feel of a trigger, it’s much more a pervasive, heavy blanketing feel.

I feel like apologizing that this is a long post/question, but I don’t know who else to talk to about this. :o )

SO, here’s the problem, and I’m not even sure how to state this, but I’m going to try. It feels like she is having all this out-of-control energy that I have difficulty with, even when I’ve tried to shield it, or send it back her way (to have her take responsibility for it), but I have to open myself up to do my work the best way I know how, and it is difficult to open and close myself like that between and around clients, and by the end of the day, sometimes, I don’t have the energy to keep ‘fighting’ her. Not to mention that I hear her laughing and talking with other people, as I’m struggling to get up from the floor (literally – I work with kids) because of the intensity and heaviness of the energy sometimes, and it really makes me doubt my sanity!

In addition to this, the situation feels like a game or something. Like, on the surface, she looks all happy and things are great, but underneath, she is flowing her energy out to me, and I end up looking negative with all that negative energy. Not that I’m being rude to people or anything, but just that I’m not able to be my normal happy friendly self when I’m 1) shielding myself on alert all the time, and 2) feeling the horrible negative energy that is smothering me, and I’m barely hanging on to stay functional. So, I don’t like it that I end up looking like the one who is in a ‘bad mood’. I have enough of that stuff on my own, I don’t need hers added to it!!! :o )

The other part of the problem is that I am starting to believe that she is intentionally placing her energy on me. Originally, when I talked with her, I wasn’t sure she knew what I was talking about – even with mental health counseling, energy talk is ‘out there’. But, since we’ve talked, I get a feeling that she does know, is finding it hard to believe that I’m “on” to her, and doesn’t care – is just trying to get things back to the way they were before when she was dumping her energy on me and I didn’t know it was hers yet, so I was taking it and dealing with it as if it was mine, which means it got dealt with. Great for her, not so great for me.

Since I’ve realized that a large part of the energy is hers, and done my own work, and tried to put up my boundaries, I’m not sure how to function with the “what’s next” part. When I’ve taken in people’s energy in the past and worked with it as my own, that is one thing. I can do that, it physically hurts my body. I am in pain for days, weeks, etc. but it’s usually resolved. I don’t want to do that anymore. But, now what? If I’m not taking in that energy and dealing with it, and I’m not seeming to be able to release it, what’s next to try? I did get some ideas from another post – about grounding the chakras to the earth and skies, as well as another grounding idea that I can try (stone in pocket, or a lime as an object to focus on – I’ll even start carrying a lime around). But, this seems to be an ongoing issue on a daily basis. I was even out of town for a week last week at a work conference, had no problems, got back to the office today, and within one hour, was struggling again. I recognize that I’m trying to convince you that it’s not me. Not sure what to do with that. Your limiting beliefs really resonated with me, Maybe that is one of my limiting beliefs, that it is “me”, which is part of why this is so difficult – even though I see that this is a problem with her, it’s really difficult for me to place anything outside myself- I’m too accustomed to taking everything in as mine, and working with it. I like your answer to Eve above, that we can set boundaries but not necessarily verbalize them, but it’s not like I can just walk away from this person – it’s my office!

Anyway, it has been helpful talking this out here, so even if you don’t reply, that’s ok. But, if you have some info or suggestions, I would be really appreciative.

Also, I’m interested in finding someone to help mentor me – I’d prefer in person, but not sure how to even start. I’ve googled energy work, etc. in my city, and haven’t really come up with anything. So, again, any suggestions would be awesome!

Thanks!
Lisa

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: