Coaching Call #033 has been released today! The topic of today’s call is: Getting Over An Abusive Relationship.
Although this client got out of an abusive relationship over six months ago, she’s still dealing with the aftermath – massive guilt, self-blame and resentment. We dissect how and why abusive relationships happen (an explanation that may surprise you), how to let go of the guilt that persists, and how to heal and get stronger going forward. I think this is one of the most valuable calls I’ve ever recorded and I hope you’ll agree.
Our very own Guest Author Nay has another amazing post for you today. She explores if it’s always a good thing for us to rehash our old memories. For the record, I’ve been meaning to write a post about this myself, and Nay captured my thoughts perfectly. Goddammit I love it when LOA has other people write my posts for me, LOL. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!
As I continue to expand in my understanding of LOA and make an effort to see where I can go with this new (and awesome) perspective of my life, I have been rehashing some past events. Of course, many of these events haven’t been the best of my life, and were bringing up a lot of really negative feelings. And as I thought about those events and memories, I could feel myself getting anxious and upset. My whole mood was changing for the worse. Obviously not what my goal was!!! But damn it, I’m trying to fix me, and my past is where many of my ‘issues’ started! But the way I was feeling, the way the memories could drag me down, made me think, and think hard about memories and going over them to ‘feel’ better!
So as always, I started asking myself some questions about my standard “process.” First and foremost, I began to wonder how the memory of a past event was doing anything to fix my now? Why would I bring up past events like that? And just as important, why did the memory of things so far gone, bother me so much? Then I had a few new, yet very important thoughts. Does doing this make me feel better? Does the WHY of a past event matter?
This is where all hell started breaking loose
Well, maybe just all kinds of smoke floating around the room as my brain began to sizzle with new thought after new thought. First and foremost, I had to stop and ask the one thing that LOA demands we do: “Is what I am thinking or doing making me feel good?” Ummm, no. No, it wasn’t. So even though it goes against everything that I am so used to doing, I had to stop.
If I follow LOA thinking, my whole goal is to feel better. All I need to understand is that thinking about some past events bothers me. So again, why was I wrestling with past events that made me feel bad in the now? Once I realized that’s what I was doing, I knew that I had to change a long ingrained habit, and do what Melody has said maybe a thousand times or so. I had to go general. I had to start thinking about other things that did not feel bad. Even if it meant totally leaving the subject behind and thinking about how cool my new computer background is. I had to force myself to think of other things, and get busy with something that refocused my mind in any way I could.
Why am I dragging these memories up now?
Of course, when I get myself busy, this is much easier. When I slow down, however, like when I go to bed, many of the thoughts resurface. But with these new thoughts, I almost immediately had some new insights about memories and the part they play in my life. First, these memories are in the past. Duh! But why am I thinking about/dragging them up now? In what way does any past event have any bearing on me right now, in this very moment? Of course, all the standard, rote answers popped up:
- “Because the past defines me”
- “Because if I can fix how I feel about a past event, I’ll just feel better”
- “Because these things are stuck in my head and I can’t help but think about them”
- “Because if I can poke at them enough, maybe my feelings about them will change.”
All of these poured through my head, but none of them truly made sense to me. They were just habitual thinking. So I asked the question again. In what way do these past events have any bearing on me NOW…on who I am RIGHT NOW? And the surprising answer was, they had absolutely none! The only way they affect me is if I focus on those memories and make them part of my now, for whatever reason I decide that’s what I need to do.
The more I thought about it, the more it didn’t make much sense to keep rehashing past events. Because then I just make them part of my now, and why would I want to bring something into my now that makes me feel bad? And that in itself is the answer. The past cannot affect me unless I bring it to the now. And there are only two ways in which a past event can affect my now, as far as I can see.
Bringing the Past into the NOW
First I have to call up the memory of it. And as soon as I bring up a memory, I’m bringing up feelings or vibrations with it. And if that memory bothers me, or more correctly, if I let it bother me, then I am creating negative feelings in my NOW. So even though the event is in my past, I am letting it affect my NOW by focusing on it.
And second, if I continue to recall a past event, and I keep worrying about it and stressing about it, then I am essentially creating and sending out a vibration that will draw a similar event to me. If I keep focusing on past negative events, then the universe WILL bring me similar events, whether I want them, or expect them, or not. So focusing on, rehashing, continuously thinking about, or talking about a past that is negative, is guaranteed to bring me more of the same thing in my NOW.
So the obvious next question was, why would I do that? Why would I ever talk about an event from the past that upsets me? Why would I keep bringing it up, or remember it, or lay it out in any way to be recalled? It is in my past. Do I really have to care about it or keep recalling it? And even more important, there is no way I can come close to appreciating or changing what’s in my now, while focusing in the past. Sure, memories pop up all the time, but am I required to dwell on them or rehash them in any way? My whole goal is to feel better, and reliving the kinds of memories that make me feel bad can never allow that to happen.
Bringing the Future into the NOW
And funny enough, I realized it’s exactly the same for imagined future events. If I’m imagining future events that stress me out, how is that doing anything for me? If I feel bad about what I am imagining, then how can I create a better, happier future? Obviously I can’t.
Bringing the NOW into the NOW
Now all of this brought me to the idea of living in the now. The whole concept of living in the NOW has always been a sticking point for me, because I just didn’t like it. It has always just sounded boring and stupid. But as stubborn and unreasonable as I can be on this, I am beginning to see just how important it is. If I choose to focus on the now, then the only vibration I can offer is what I feel in this instant. And just as important, each instant as it happens, is already in the past. So every single instant, I can change my focus and send out a completely new vibration. But only if I’m not stressing about what just happened or what could happen.
So even if I can’t yet live moment by moment in the NOW, I can certainly decide what memories I let rattle around in my head. And I can certainly look around me and find a reason to feel good, and then do it again, and again, and again. And if, in order to do that, I choose to never talk about or focus on a past event that made me feel negative, what does it hurt? If a memory doesn’t feel good, then at this point and time, there is no reason to hold on to it. Because if I can let it go, then I will never recreate that vibration, so won’t draw a similar experience into my life again.
When rehashing memories is useful
Now don’t get me wrong! Memories are a many and wonderful thing and a part of my life that won’t likely go away, nor do I want them to. But what I am noticing is that as my vibration rises and I feel better, some memories can resurface without bringing the negative with them. They seem to have lost their impact! Which is when I know I can rehash that memory and either improve how I feel about it even more, or gain an insight that completely changes my perspective, if I choose to. And I can do this by either using the ladder technique, or just letting the realization that it doesn’t bother me as much sink in. Hell I don’t have to do anything but bask in the knowledge that it doesn’t bother me as much anymore, and leave it at that!
I’ve started to focus on whether or not recalling a past event is stressing me out and dragging my emotions through the mud. If it is, I’m not at the right level to deal with it and it’s not serving me in any way. It’s creating a vibration from a past event that is only making me feel bad and drawing similar vibrations to me in my now. But what’s better, is that by not rehashing those negative memories, I’ve noticed that the negative feelings they used to bring up just seem to start fading away. Who’da thunk it!?
So I’ve decided that my memories only have power if I give them power. They may be stuck in my brain, but I don’t have to keep going over them. Trying to fix myself by dwelling on them and rehashing and trying to see the why of what I did, or what was done to me usually makes me feel bad. But if I just think in LOA terms and realize that this process sucks in the feel good department, I can eliminate a huge negative factor in my life by not doing it. Feeling bad isn’t doing me any good when I dwell there, EVER! And how much easier is that!!!
I love this stuff!!!!!
Post you might also enjoy:
- To Desire or Not to Desire?
- Are You In An Abusive Relationship With Yourself?
- Does True Charity Have To Involve Sacrifice?
- Dear LOA: If We Create Our Own Reality, How Did Jesus Get Crucified?
- Why You Should Learn to Listen Like a Talk Therapist