Why You Think You’re Ugly – The Fallacy Of Standardizing Beauty

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by Melody Fletcher on January 20, 2013

 

Coaching Call #032 is out today! The topic of this call is: She Always Has “Just” Enough Money.

This client had a lifelong pattern of always having just enough money. If she did manage to manifest a little extra cash, something would immediately break down or an unexpected bill would come for that exact amount. We dissected the beliefs of never having enough, as well as the fallacy (read: Bullshit) of the concept of “Delayed Gratification“. Listen along as this client shifts into a much better feeling place in the space of an hour.

See the full call summary here

 

As most of you know, I rang in the New Year while vacationing and relaxing at a spa in Austria. These annual breaks always allow me to do something I don’t generally have much time for: I get to let my mind wander for hours, ponder random thoughts that come into my head and read trashy beauty magazines (which I stopped buying years ago, but will still leaf through when they’re put in front of me at the dentist’s office or at a spa. I’m the same with tabloids, BTW.) In small doses, these types of magazines can be fun, sometimes hilarious, and, well in this case, can even spawn a blog post.

Pointing out our flaws

The reason that I don’t often read these types of magazines is because I prefer not to bombard myself with messages that state that the way I look is inadequate. And that applies no matter what I happen to look like, by the way. The message that the beauty and fashion industries spread is the same for everyone: You suck. You’re not good enough. If you buy this eyeliner, though, you probably will be good enough. Ok, not really. We lied. But you might be a teensy step closer. Possibly. But probably not. Just keep buying stuff, Ogregirl.

Beauty magazines make a living off of pointing out our flaws. If they can’t find any flaws, they’ll make some up so they can point them out. Their advertisers then tell us that their products will magically fix those flaws. Did any of us know that it was a problem to have thin eyelashes before the beauty industry helpfully informed us of this? Did Cavewoman obsess about her brittle nails, split ends, curly/straight/limp/thin/frizzy hair, wrinkly skin, flabby thighs, cellulite, stretch marks, being too tall, being too short, being too fat, being too thin, having too much muscle tone, not having enough muscle tone, being pear shaped, apple shaped, or shaped like any other fruit for that matter? No. She didn’t. And yet, somehow, she still managed to get her man. The survival of the species is a testament to that.

Whatever we focus on determines our reality. So, it stands to reason that if I focus on how ugly and fat and just plain horrible I am, I’ll begin to feel that way. If I want to feel good about myself, I’ll need to limit such messages and focus on positive reinforcement instead.

The industry is not the problem

But, of course, I don’t blame the beauty, fashion or cosmetic surgery industries. I see them as a mere symptoms of the real issue, something that dawned on me as I lay there, having been massaged into a near coma, leafing through some generic testament to our obsession with perfection, in that wonderful Austrian spa.

The real problem is not that people keep telling us that we’re not good enough, or pretty enough, or hawt enough. The real problem isn’t even that we keep listening to them. The REAL problem, ladies and gentlemen, is in the way we approach beauty in general. The underlying cause of all these symptoms, the actual disease, if you will, is that we have tried to standardize beauty. And today, I call bullshit on that little douchenugget.

It’s not just women, either

To be fair, this problem of standardization doesn’t just apply to beauty. We humans try to standardize everything, which leads to problems in whatever area we are trying to find conformity in, but today, I’m going to dissect beauty. Not only because I happened to have this insight over the holidays, but because it affects so many of us. Men aren’t immune to this disease either. The hairier sex… wait, what’s the opposite of “fairer sex”? “Hairy”? Given all the hair removal products for women, that doesn’t seem to apply. Or maybe “beardy”, you know, because women can’t grow beards. Generally. Well, some of us will grow a mustache if left to our own devices (I’m not admitting to anything, of course. Although I have gotten my upper lip waxed just in case, thanks to the mustache paranoia instilled in me at an early age, thank you Cosmopolitan Magazine). Ok, so the beardy sex often feel just as inadequate as we do, it has just generally manifested differently, thanks to cultural expectations of what it means to be a successful man. But more and more, men are being told that they’d better look the part too. You can be hairy yes, but please be appropriately hairy. Like, hair on your chest is ok, hair on your head pretty much a must (bald is sexy, but only if it’s voluntary), but hair on your shoulders is gross. Potbellies are out, wash board stomachs are in, tall is good, short is bad, haircuts have to come from a stylist, not a barber, you have to smell good, feel good, slather on wrinkle cream, get a back facial (to remove pimples on your back, in case you didn’t know what that was. You’re welcome), depilate your knuckles, get a pedicure, have your eyebrows plucked, your teeth whitened, your nether regions groomed and waxed, hit the gym at least 5 times a week, stop eating carbs, change your underwear so that your sperm is healthier and de-lint your belly button on an hourly basis. These messages are taking their toll on men’s self esteem.

The standard of beauty

Throughout the ages, the standard of beauty has varied greatly within our Western Culture. Of course, different cultures will have vastly different interpretations of what it means to be beautiful, although for the sake of this post, I will concentrate on the Western, English speaking world. But one constant remains: We come up with some arbitrary standard of beauty and then use that to make ourselves feel like we’re not good enough. And yes, I mean all of us. Especially in current times.

In ages past, the standard of beauty was often determined by the tastes and whims of a few, powerful individuals, like Kings and Queens and the social elite. Rarity and exclusivity were and are often considered beautiful, like a black person with blue eyes, for example, or people with a very rare body type. When people didn’t have enough to eat and often died of starvation and malnutrition, being hefty was considered the height of beauty (in many cultures where food is scarce, this is still the case. The fatter, the better). As food became more plentiful, we opted to go the other way. In the 40′s and 50′s, we idolized women who were thin, yet curvy. Very few women actually had the desired measurements (tiny waist, hips and boobs with the same circumference), but at least a few did (and some were close enough to pretend with the help of special underwear), and so that’s what went on the posters. And any woman with a few extra pounds, with small breasts or bigger hips, felt like she was a failure.

In the 60′s and 70′s, super thin became in again. Small boobs were back, as were small hips (can’t wear hip huggers with curves. This is how you get a muffin top, people. By the way, thinking that your body should conform to the beauty of the clothes instead of the other way around has caused more pain than I care to mention here).  But again, at least there were still a few women who actually looked the way we wanted them to.

It’s all fake

Fast forward to today: Our current standard of beauty no longer exists. When you see a photograph of a model in a magazine, you can be sure that the actual model looks nothing like that. Not only has she spent hours under the care of professional makeup artists and hair stylists (these people aren’t called artists for nothing. They are creating art. The model is just the canvas. And just like with a painting, the end result looks nothing like the bare canvas did), but there is lighting, photography (another art), and then, of course, the now obligatory airbrushing, photoshopping and total remorphing of the original image. In the end, you have something that might as well have been created on the computer from scratch. I often wonder why they bother using a live model at all, since humans are so obviously imperfect. My point is this: Not even the models and actresses we hold up as the standard of beauty meet that standard of beauty! They don’t actually look like that. NO ONE DOES. Models and actresses are some of the most insecure people you could ever meet. Why? Because they spend all day, every day, faced with the fact that they don’t look the way our culture thinks they should. No matter how hard they try, they will never be anorexic, plastic dolls with huge boobs and fat lips (and by the way, who the hell decided THAT was a good look?)

But, it’s no coincidence that we should have such an unrealistic, quite frankly ridiculous standard of beauty at a time when more and more of us are waking up. What better way to get us to reject the whole idea altogether, than to make it so ludicrous, that we have almost no choice but to question the whole concept of standardization altogether? Really, can you think of a more effective way to get people to question a standard, than to create one that NO ONE meets?

Why we try to standardize beauty

When we look at a piece of art, it’s easy for us to understand that one person might love it, another might hate it, and yet another might be totally indifferent. I don’t necessarily require you to like a piece of art, so that I can have permission to like it, unless of course, I’m a horribly insecure individual. But many of us are, horribly insecure, that is. And that’s where the problem comes in (see, the insecurity comes first. Some of you will have seen that coming…) So, you get a group of insecure individuals together, and they all decide that this one painting is beautiful. Some of them might not even care, and some might secretly disagree, but the group has now made a decision and insecure people would rather conform to the group and gain some semblance of approval, than speak their truth. At this point I’d like to interject that not being disapproved of is not the same thing as being approved of, but most people don’t know that and will settle for the former in a misguided attempt to get the latter.

Anywho, so you have this group, who have decided, more or less, that this painting is now what’s considered beautiful and acceptable. And any paintings that differ from this style and color palette are considered ugly and unacceptable and should be shunned. Other insecure individuals will now begin to conform to this standard, as well, out of fear of being ostracized. In other words, all the people in this group have now decided to agree that this is the standard of beauty, even if they don’t really feel that way, and will do their best to conform to it. They will not create any paintings in a style other than the acceptable one, even if it would make their heart sing. They will suppress their inspiration and creativity. They will stunt their own evolution and mute the voice of Who They Really Are. Doing so is painful, of course, but it’s all worth it. You know, in order to not be made fun of by the cool kids (who are often the most insecure of all).

Fear begets more fear

We do the same thing with beauty. Since this entire concept was borne out of fear, it’s no surprise that it’s led to greater and greater insecurity. The more we try to standardize beauty, the worse it gets.

Think about it: When you create a standard and tout it as the only acceptable way of looking or being, everyone who doesn’t conform to that standard is automatically inadequate. And since our standard of beauty is unattainable, everyone gets to feel badly about themselves. Tall women want to be shorter, short women want to be taller. Thin women want to be curvier and curvy women want to be thinner. White people want to get a tan, and darker people wish they were lighter. Asians get surgery to get “white” eyes, while Caucasians spend millions to get the porcelain skin of the Japanese (not that all Japanese have that skin, but facts clearly have no place in the pursuit of perfection). If you have cellulite, you’re disgusting. If you’re bald, you’re a failure. If the whiteness of your teeth can’t blind a flock of birds heading south, you’d better get your ass to the dentist for some bleaching. If you have thin lips, you’d better plump them up. After all, we can’t go through life with thin lips. Or can we?

Beauty is subjective. And for good reason

Each of us actually has our own standard of beauty. It’s a combination of where we grew up, the experiences we’ve had, our thoughts and beliefs. In other words, it’s a product of our vibration. And it’s an ever evolving thing. Not one of us will be able to look at just anything and call it beautiful. We all have our own preferences and there’s nothing wrong with that. Even if you get to the point where you can see the intrinsic beauty in everything, there will still be some things that will evoke that feeling more easily than others. We each prefer different things by design. Imagine if everyone truly had the same standard of beauty. One couple in the world would get laid A LOT, and everyone else would have to settle. We’d all drive the same car, and live in the same house, and have the same hairstyle, and wear the same outfit. Do any of us really want that? Of course not.

Isn’t it great that we’re all so uniquely different and that we also all have our own sense of what we consider beautiful? Because no matter what your standard of beauty is, there’s someone out there who fulfills it perfectly (without surgery). And no matter what you look like there’s someone out there who thinks you’re the most gorgeous person ever. This is the perfection of who we are. The diversity in how we look matches the diversity in what we perceive to be beautiful. Diversity is the true standard of beauty.

It’s not about agreement!

The problem arises when someone out there tries to determine what we should all consider beautiful and we actually listen to them. When we override our own, personal standard of beauty with someone else’s, we suppress Who We Really Are. And that’s painful.

Why do you think we all have such horrible self esteem when it comes to how we look? Because we keep comparing ourselves to a standard other than our very own. We think we all have to agree on what’s beautiful! And that’s the biggest lie of all. We don’t all have to agree. We don’t all want to agree. Agreement would be detrimental. In fact, agreement would cause the destruction of the Universe as we know it. The Universe thrives on diversity. Your own personal reality depends on there being things you want and things you don’t want and your continued noticing of what your preference is. The creation process is stunted when we ask everyone else what they want and then try to conform to that. The process depends on each of us exercising our own, unique perspective.

Adopt your own standard

It can be difficult to break out of this paradigm at first. We have to give ourselves permission to acknowledge beauty wherever we happen to see it, regardless of what others think. And, we have to stop trying to standardize beauty in any shape and form. For example:

I think curvy women are sexy.

Some of you will have read that statement and thought “Yes! Finally someone who gives me permission to think I’m hot.” Others of you will be tempted to write a rebuttal in the comments. You’ll want to argue that women with small breasts or skinny hips are sexy too. Let me point out that I didn’t say “Curvy women, and ONLY curvy women are sexy. Everyone else is a total uggo”. But we often read these implications into the opinions of others, even when they’re not there.

And, even if I had said: “I think only curvy women are sexy. I don’t think that skinny women are sexy at all”, I would still be stating only my opinion (which, for the record is that all women are potentially sexy, but if I ever go lesbo, it’ll be hourglass figured women for me all the way. Just saying). I would not be saying “And you have to believe the exact same way as I do.” But again, this is what people tend to hear and argue so vehemently against in chat rooms, in forums, on blogs and at cocktail parties. If you’ve ever heard someone say they don’t like something and then witnessed another person go totally apeshit over that, you’ll have seen this principle in action. The person going apeshit is reacting to the unspoken (and usually not even intended) implication that this person has just taken away their right to their own opinion and preference.

Only that’s not the case, nor is it possible. Another person’s opinion does not negate yours, or your right to have a differing opinion. Of course, our attempts to standardize beauty have taught us to think otherwise, since creating a “standard” automatically implies that anything that doesn’t conform is unacceptable. But that just doesn’t fly in reality! If I like green, that doesn’t mean you can’t like blue. If I think tall men are hot, that doesn’t mean that all short men are unattractive, or that everyone now has to think they are! If a woman says that she’s not attracted to black guys or white guys (or Viking Vampires named Erik), that doesn’t make her racist (or blind). If a tall, blonde, white dude loves tiny, ethnic women, that doesn’t make him a traitor to his race or a bigot, and it doesn’t mean that tall, blonde women should feel rejected or inadequate if he doesn’t pursue them.

Let’s stop feeling personally rejected anytime someone expresses an opinion other than ours, shall we? And no, I’m not just talking about beauty anymore. Let’s revel in the fact that we’re all different, that we all look different, and that we all like different things. Because the two go hand in hand.

Conformity has no value

You are a perfect creation, just the way you are. And what you personally consider to be truly beautiful is correct for you, no matter what it is. You WANT that perspective to be unique. It’s only valuable if it’s unique. Think about it. What would the Universe have to gain by creating a bunch of people who think, look and act exactly the same? We only need one of each model, thank you. If you’re just going to conform, you might as well step off the planet now. You’re not doing yourself or any of us much good. You’re just a copy. But, if you’re going to bring your own perspective to the table, see angles that no one else sees, experience your own reality in a way that no one else can quite experience, and express your own unique essence, now you’re playing the game! Now you’re doing something that no one else in this Universe can do! Now you’re doing what you came here to do – you’re being Who You Really Are.

Now, it’s your turn. Have you struggled with the standard of beauty? Have you been able to overcome it and feel good about yourself anyway? If so, how? Share in the comments!

{ 56 comments }

Fonzy Montenegro January 20, 2013 at 14:13

Wow, Melody! Another amazing and lengthy yet power-packed post!

As Earl Nightingale stated in one of his audio programs, “Conformity is what’s wrong with people today.”

I definitely have my own standard of beauty and what I look for in a woman, and I also respect other people’s opinion of what they want because diversity causes the Universe to expand continuously.

I have a saying (it’s my own mantra) in Filipino which is “Kanya-kanyang trip yan.”

In English, the most approximate translation of this saying in my opinion would be “To each his own.”

I do think that beauty is diverse and attraction (in varying levels) is not a choice.

Melody Fletcher January 23, 2013 at 01:20

Thanks Fonzy! I think you’re right. Attraction isn’t voluntary. If it was, life would be so much easier, no? ;)

Sending you huge hugs,
Melody
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Sora January 20, 2013 at 15:01

Thank you Melody, amazing article!!! The weird thing is, now the media AND many people love to bully so-called “beautiful” celebrities, which backfires because if someone reads this they might once again compare themselves to these guys and think “they aren’t good enough, what am I?” Another mechanism to diminish your self-worth…if you let it.

Alice January 21, 2013 at 04:17

Yeah you see tall-poppy syndrome everywhere. Somw people are dying to find a flaw, rather than just admire the nice painting.

Melody Fletcher January 23, 2013 at 01:21

It’s a never ending cycle, isn’t it Sora? I think it’s better not to play that game at all. :)
And thanks so much for the kind feedback.

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Carol January 20, 2013 at 16:29

What an awesome post, Melody!

I bought a vinyl wall saying recently that says, “Be your own kind of beautiful” and put it on my bedroom wall. What a great reminder every morning when I wake up!

Melody Fletcher January 23, 2013 at 01:21

THat’s awesome Carol! I love that! And I’m sure many readers just got a great idea off of you. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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mary carol moran January 20, 2013 at 17:49

Hi Melody,

Great post as always! I love the way you take a common issue and dig all the way down to the roots.

For me, when I turned forty it was like a switch flipped. I (almost) stopped thinking about beauty standards. No more mascara, yes to comfort over fashion. Whew! It was a huge relief.

Recently I read The World Until Yesterday by Jared Diamond (The Guns, Germs, and Steel guy), and he made a point that I think helps explain our obsession with appearance. From our origins until 11,000 or so years ago, humans lived exclusively in small hunter/gatherer bands. Each band had its territory, and to wander meant probable death. At best, people traded with their immediate neighbors, though those alliances often broke down.

It was imperative to be able to identify immediately a member of your own band, even from a good distance, because encountering a stranger generally meant a fight to the death. The bands used visual markers – clothing, hair, paint, piercings, etc – to identify band members. In essence, they established a standard to which individuals complied, in order to protect their lives.

So here we are, primitive practices still in place (11,000 years isn’t long enough to change a survival instinct). We still use clothing, hair, paint (makeup), piercings, body shape, etc, to identify “our band.” Our issues with beauty go even deeper than the human herding instinct that you write about so clearly.

Jared Diamond writing the book he just released wasn’t an accident! It all fits in with the rising vibration, where we, as you said, begin to see old patterns for what they are – just patterns and not LAWS.

Thank you again for another thought provoking post! Huge sunday morning hugs!

Mary Carol
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Alice January 21, 2013 at 04:22

Sometimes make-up is also useful in hiding illness, when we want to look radiant and happy, rather than blotchy or washed out/tired.
It’s often essential in the work place to look like you can handle yourself, rather than a fading flower.

How did they change the body shape back then? I thought this first started happening with corsets. But then again some tribes do neck stretching.

Interesting.

Jennifer January 21, 2013 at 07:18

Interesting MC- I may check out that book!

Melody Fletcher January 23, 2013 at 01:24

Thanks MC! You know, you make such an awesome point – we tend to talk about the fight or flight instinct, and the instinct for survival in such limiting terms. Yes, these are instincts and not something we can strictly control once triggered, but we can control what triggers them. We’re no longer in the jungle, having to be afraid of wild animals and anyone even remotely different from us. And saying that we have to be is kind of like saying we have to be Neanderthals. Oooh, you’ve taken me on a whole new tangent! :)

Huge hugs!!
Melody
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tony January 20, 2013 at 21:20

I don’t feel great but I was forced to overcome it. I started losing my hair at the end of high school. I was also strong but with no “visible abs”. I didn’t like the idea of spraying my head with chemicals for no valid medical reason and I also didn’t like to look like an old mad scientist, so I took the hard way and shaved my head. It was hard at first. When I realized that what people saw was a white angry-looking young man with a shaved head and they had labelled me as a hooligan or a neonazi , I freaked out. I got used to it. Now, I am 30yo and I chose to spend money to fix my eyesight instead of planting hair.

I have seen some people who are very beautiful but highly unattractive. Ok, that’s an energy thing, a kind of compatibility but I can sense people’s thoughts (and mood) from a mile and I can tell you they were feeling rotten to the core.

Melody Fletcher January 23, 2013 at 01:26

Hey Tony,

Absolutely. Some people can be “gorgeous” on paper, but when you meet them, the lose their appeal. Others can be just so-so, but become ultra sexy due to their energy. We may think we’re only attracted by looks, but that’s really not the case. We are attracted to the whole person, or at least the parts we resonate with. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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a fan (usually) January 20, 2013 at 22:40

Fabulous article and I usually love your tongue and cheek and wicked humor but the inserting of “if I ever go lesbo” is off-putting and insulting.

I say that as one of that tribe. If you wrote, if I ever go lesbian”, perhaps better but let me educate you…being a gay woman is not something you go, like a new phase or food choice like going vegetarian or the like.

People don’t go gay.

We get spit out of the womb very much like the way you did and some cannot live their live as they wish to do to religion, family upbringing, society and customs, etc.

I normally don’t get pissy about this stuff but you are quite an enlightened and intelligent woman, it deserves mention. I know your other posts are very inclusive of gay folk but it perpetuates false dogma that people just turn gay like it a choice.

It is not.

If it were, trust me, I would have never chosen this existence in such a hate filled world.

Lucy January 21, 2013 at 08:39

Hi A Fan,

I wanted to insert here that while there is a small percentage of people who are strictly homosexual and a small percentage who are strictly heterosexual, the vast majority of the population is in the middle and can be open to changing who are of a different gender they are used to. Sexual orientation in a population is a spectrum preference which is why bisexuals exist and the vast majority of the population are actually bisexual to some degree. The reason why there seems to be so many more heterosexuals than homosexuals has more to do with societal conditioning and pressure, not biology.

It seems to me that you fall under the category of strictly homosexual, which is awesome. In your case, I agree that you didn’t make a sudden conscious decision to become homosexual. However, those who are in the bisexual range can consciously make the choice of which end of the spectrum to play in.

In any event, I do not believe (nor do I think you believe) that Melody was intentionally trying to insult anyone. In fact, because of her tongue-in-cheek declaration, it actually shows that she’s not put off by the idea of homosexuality. If she were, there’s no way on earth she would make such a matter-of-fact statement.

Hope that gave a different vibe to the statement.
Lucy

Melody Fletcher January 23, 2013 at 01:40

A fan,

Of course it’s not a choice to be gay. That’s what made that statement funny. If I’d have said “If I ever become a strong, black woman”, I doubt anyone would’ve taken that seriously either. :)

I don’t really think that anyone who finds their way to this blog would seriously believe that you can just wake up gay one day. I realize such people exist, out there, somewhere, but not in my reality.

Your sentence “I would have never chosen this existence in such a hate filled world” breaks my heart, though. You feel so badly about something so integral to who you are, something that’s a part of what makes you you, that you’ve chosen to be offended by someone who embodies the very thing you’re after – complete lack of judgment about your sexuality (or anything else for that matter). I wish I could reach out and just hug you. The world is not hate filled. Or at least, you don’t have to live in that reality. The world is beautiful and filled with love. Homosexuals have never had so much freedom and acceptance and yes, in many cases, equality. There are more people than ever who, like me, really honestly couldn’t care less if you’re gay or straight or bi or transgender or celibate.

Are there still those who would persecute you? Of course! And there always will be. But you can be persecuted for all kinds of things (being a woman, being a foreigner, being an LOA teacher…). But you have more evidence of growth and love to focus on than you’ve ever had. Do so and you’ll see more of it. You did chose to be gay from non-physical, and you knew exactly what you were doing. But you didn’t see the world as a horrible place in which to be gay. You saw the potential conflict but also the potential joy and you knew that you’d get more of whatever you focused on. You didn’t come here to suffer. You came here to enjoy life and love and everything the physical existence has to offer.

Sending you huge hugs, light and love,

Melody
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aylin January 21, 2013 at 01:00

this post is especially meaningful for me because….because of many reasons…first of all I’ve been uncomfortable with my looks for ages.But since I’ve been interested in LOA and following Melody’s posts I don’t care about it as I did before.And the day Melody liked my photo on facebook I started to think ”Maybe I AM beautiful cos Melody liked it!!” that gave me a boost of confidence.Nowadays yes I have gained weight.I am at the same weight as before but I don’t seem unhappy in photos and I feel different even though I am at the same weight.I feel more beautiful.I feel more connected to the universe,I feel more conscious,I feel more relaxed and wise.A lot of coincidences(!??) happen throughout my day….I guess all of these gifts are way way more important than how much I weight :) :):) ,Thank you Melody again for a great topic ! :)

Melody Fletcher January 23, 2013 at 01:41

You’re so welcome Aylin! And thanks so much for the kind feedback. You are very beautiful!! And I’m so happy you’re beginning to see it.

Sending you huge hugs!!

Melody
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Alice January 21, 2013 at 04:12

:-( I don’t like not liking your blogs since I am your biggest fan. It pains me to give a bad review, but I am remaining true to my honesty policy.

“When you see a photograph of a model in a magazine, you can be sure that the actual model looks nothing like that.”

-FALSE. I have personally studied with a woman that was on the cover of a mens’ magazine, and she DOES look that good. She was short with a little waist, flat stomach, cute like face and big eyes.

Some are edited, but people focus this out of jealousy.

I have also worked with a young lady that lived between Australia and America as a model, and in real life she had this flawless skin, and beautiful cheekbones WITHOUT make-up, and I know this as I went clubbing with her and helped her get ready after a shower and pick out dresses and make-up….

So people can go about making themselves feel less insecure by tearing others down or saying it is all fake, but that’s pure jealousy.

There are real people with REAL good looks. We’d like to think it’s fake, but sorry they exist.

My sister is also a model.

“Models and actresses are some of the most insecure people you could ever meet.”–REALLY???

Have you met them all?

This sounds like an excuse. Sorry, but they are often down to Earth, and damnit, manage to look good while on a sweaty hike.
I can’t pull that one off. I look like a sweaty person.

No, we have to accept that some people are stunning, and stop trying to do this tall-poppy syndrome thing to make us feel better.

The models don’t go around calling people ugly, or ask society to conform. That’s insecure people and their own idea.
If someone looks at their nice face and feels bad, it’s not the models fault.

We could be immature and say she is fake/enhanced…OR graciously accept there are bombshells out there, and be happy for them.

And unless someone has a medical condition, is not exercising and getting out of hand really that great for health? No.
Liking slimness is not shallow, but often about good health. No one says be stick thin, but they do encourage to be healthy.

I do agree how it is ridiculous to teach people to want a different skin colour, and that makes me really mad.
Some people get jealous of pale skin, so say it looks “sick” and need a tan. Some people get jealous of a nice olive or darker shade of skin, they say it looks too dark, and to bleach it.
Well let’s ditch both of those dumb ideas. Pale skin isn’t “pasty” it’s lilly white, pure and really good looking.
Black skin isn’t “too dark” it’s smooth, caramel, or chocolate and really good looking.

Insults to skin just aren’t right. You’ve got a good point there. But that’s the magazines, t.v. and fashion industry…not the models. The models just co-operate with whatever they are told to do. So if that means wear a ridiculous tan and look like an orange…well that’s the job.

“Lesbo”—-that was a typo right? In Australia that is the term bullies used to use on any girl that didn’t have a boyfriend. She must be an ugly “lesbo” and they’d chant that. It’s like calling someone overweight “fatty fatty fat fat” instead of a “big girl” or something more polite.

You sure opened a can of worms here.

Melody Fletcher January 23, 2013 at 01:56

Well, ok Alice,

I’m not sure why you thought I was attacking models, especially in a post arguing that we are ALL beautiful, just the way we are.

I never said that models were not beautiful. Of course they are. Nor was I tearing them down. I said that they don’t look the way they do in the pictures (absolute perfection). Neither do actresses, especially when they’re portrayed just getting out of bed or coming home from working out and looking stunning. The pictures are ALL retouched. And, I don’t believe it’s necessary. These are gorgeous people, to be sure. Why must be send the message that this isn’t good enough? That they have to be even more perfect than humanly possible?

I’ve met A LOT of actresses and models, yes. And many of them are horribly insecure. Not all of them, no, but I never said all. And I certainly didn’t mention that out of jealousy, but to illustrate the point that even those who are closest to our standard of beauty don’t necessarily have higher self-esteem.

Honestly, if I censored myself from using any words that had ever been used in a derogatory context in some country somewhere, I’d never get a word out. I meant is a joke and I stand by it. You can take it that way or choose to be offended by it. It’s your choice. To be clear, I wasn’t calling anyone a lesbo, which would’ve been quite different. I use the word fat to make a point, as well, but don’t call anyone that. There is a difference.

I wrote a post arguing for tolerance, diversity and higher self-worth. If that’s a can of worms, so be it.

Melody
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Alice January 23, 2013 at 06:14

Ok Melody,

I hope we are still friends because there were no squishy hugs for me this time. I think you can handle honest feedback. I don’t want to be this fake person that compliments all the time.

There is somewhat a standardized beauty, but only to the extent of a particular magazine or website.
For example a very popular website “Suicide Girls” that most red-blooded men know about; has “alternative beauty”
There are women there with body art, coloured hair, glasses, freckles and shaved heads- a variety of lip, eye and body shapes and sizes.
Still there is a standard or theme going on. There’s an artistic bias. Also none of them have pimples… Even in the alternative sphere, people have certain things they like, clear skin, fitt body, etc

People do get to choose what they like, that’s why they gravitate to a certain magazine or fashion store.

The fashion industry is catering to many different tastes, and many of these come from the consumer demands in the first place.
For example, there are men that like a certain size breast or lips…The fashion industry did not dictate that. So the pressure really comes from who you are trying to attract, and what they like.

If thin bodies, big breasts and hair were not actually popular, there would not be an interest in the majority of strip clubs etc.
Men (and women) find this attractive. That’s just human nature, that this appeals to the majority.
(Many times I have been hurt because men have so many different opinions, and it’s best not to ask! Some have even said they prefer bigger women and to fatten up! Then others prefer a thinner size…It’s just opinion, I don’t get angry at the women that look the way those men would prefer. Yes, I have had small moments of sadness when considered attractive, but then one important man still prefers this or that. It can be painful, because you can be “good looking” but not perfect to the one you want to impress at the time. But that is life and obviously they are not the right person. But still women like to be universally attractive, though this is impossible. Well not impossible, but I mean in the sense you’d be 1#/ideal)

“In the end, you have something that might as well have been created on the computer from scratch. I often wonder why they bother using a live model at all, since humans are so obviously imperfect. My point is this: Not even the models and actresses we hold up as the standard of beauty meet that standard of beauty! They don’t actually look like that. NO ONE DOES. Models and actresses are some of the most insecure people you could ever meet. Why? Because they spend all day, every day, faced with the fact that they don’t look the way our culture thinks they should. No matter how hard they try, they will never be anorexic, plastic dolls with huge boobs and fat lips (and by the way, who the hell decided THAT was a good look?)”

It’s just a job. And I stick by the fact that some of them DO look that good naturally, as seen with own eyes.
They might not be absolute perfection to someone, but I thought they were.

“And I certainly didn’t mention that out of jealousy, but to illustrate the point that even those who are closest to our standard of beauty don’t necessarily have higher self-esteem.”

Why not focus on the positive, and not the negative? Many also have high self-esteem.
This is just something i hear people say to comfort “oh, she is stunning, but I bet she isn’t happy.”
Let’s just be gracious about it.

I had one man tell me he liked the corset look with very tiny waist and bigger breasts. They might not understand this is impossible without wearing the corset, when you take it off, you will still be slim, but not that tiny as it would damage organs.
Now despite being a bit hurtful, I am not angry at any woman that manages to pull that off. It’s unlikely, except for that person in record books, but still possible.

If anything the pressure is from some men, who you notice the ones with beer-guts and the worst looks, have the highest standards for women. It’s just one of those things that is not fair, but it happens, that is life.
And there will always be some girl with low-self-esteem that would starve herself to please him, completely ignoring his own flaws.

And there are the people that aren’t even pleased with models. That’s why I stand up for them, because they are good people deserving respect.

-
Still giving you hugs,
Alice.

Melody Fletcher January 30, 2013 at 15:59

You’re right, Alice. People do get to choose what they think is beautiful. It’s just that most people don’t realize that choosing one standard of beauty doesn’t negate all the others.

Of course I focus on the positive, that’s what this whole post was about. I’m advocating focusing on beauty in all its forms, especially within ourselves, even if someone else out there thinks something else is beautiful. The whole point was that their opinion doesn’t have to influence ours.

Again, I’m not sure how you decided that this was an attack against models, but it really wasn’t. My main point about bringing models into it was that conforming to someone esle’s standard of beauty doesn’t make you feel better. You have to think you’re beautiful. So, there are models whom people think are stunning, who don’t feel good about themselves. The opinions of others don’t help them. And just like that, we don’t have to consider ourselves ugly because someone else has decided that we don’t conform to a standard of beauty.

Hugs,

Melody
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Alice January 23, 2013 at 06:31

“A lesbian refers to a homosexual woman. The word “lesbian” is not inappropriate to use, since it is the correct name for a woman who dates other women. However, make sure you are not using it in an accusatory or insulting manner.

It’s not necessarily always just what you say, but also how you say it. While “lesbo” is to some extent just a shortened version of the word “lesbian,” it tends to be used in a derogatory way. Therefore, it is best to not run around calling people Lesbos.”

http://grammar.yourdictionary.com/slang/homosexual-slang-terms.html

It’s not just in Australia. Saying a black women isn’t a comparison. “Black” isn’t a derogatory word. The N word is. You wouldn’t use the N word, so you wouldn’t use other degrogatory words, even as a joke.

Melody Fletcher January 30, 2013 at 16:12

We’re just going to have to agree to disagree, Alice. I use language the way I find appropriate. While I certainly have no intention of offending anyone (I would never do so on purpose), I also won’t censor myself based on the opinions of others and on what might potentially offend someone. I have no control over other people’s feelings. People have gotten offended by all kinds of things I have written. And I’m certain they will continue to. I haven’t stopped expressing myself the way I choose to and I don’t think the people who really resonate with me truly want me to.

Oh, and not that it matters, but my own lesbian friends thought the line was funny. :)

Hugs,

Melody
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Gauri April 11, 2013 at 17:54

Hey!

Sometimes actresses and models look better than what we see on paper or screen. In South Indian films, many times actresses and actors do completely deglamorized roles, that make them look completely unattractive and even ugly, when in reality they are way more beautiful than that. Many times in our movies, we have very stylish men and women, educated and brought up in cities, don village-type simple people roles and appear WAY LESS glamorous than they do in real life:) And it is sort of fun to watch – the ones who appear totally DE-GLAM WITH POOR CLOTHES and deglamorized make-up are actually STYLISH STUNNERS. I read a movie director complain that one of his gorgeous heroines was ‘trying to look beautiful’ and ‘wear nice clothes’ when she needed to look trashy and poor and he complained her of using mascara. And he said he ‘managed to adjust, making the character appear as a show-off, so that people would believe’. They wear cheap costumes on screen and in real life they wear expensive ones. We also have a trend of women trying to look MUCH older than they are in real life, so that they look like ‘real life women’. Sometimes actors/actresses are given deliberately unattractive accessories like thick glasses etc. So here we sort of expect that the leading actors who look unattractive on screen must be gorgeous and well-dressed in real life. Nevertheless, there are also very FEW people who look awful in real life, but look amazing on screen simply with make-up; however that is not common.
And most top heroines and heroes look almost similar to what they are in real life, because except to look really deglamorized, they don’t use too much make-up, even in front of the camera. This ‘deglamorizing’ is something very common in our culture, to be frank. Men and women (esp the stylish ones from rich families) try to look ‘more common’ and ‘simple’ than they actually are.
I heard few actresses complain that they never got to look beautiful on screen and wear good clothes and every role they got was that of a simple village woman who was expected to look ‘plain’. :)
Probably it has a lot to do with South Indian culture – actors need to depict ‘real-life’ people and real-life people over here are rather simple. My brother makes movies and I was stunned to see the deglamorized simple heroine in his movie was actually a very beautiful lady and glamorous in real life. I know many heroines and they are actually WAY MORE beautiful and sexier in real life than in movies and we wonder – oh my! we didn’t know she’s so beautiful. And many other people have shared with me the same view. They say, “we thought she was not good looking, but in real life she looks amazing. Such camera tricks!!!”
Another point of view!!!:)

Jennifer January 21, 2013 at 07:17

Great post Melody! Thoroughly enjoyed it.

Melody Fletcher January 23, 2013 at 01:56

Thanks Jennifer!

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Nay Bostrom January 21, 2013 at 07:49

Hey Melody,

I think the real point is to look for beauty in all things. Sometimes it’s extremely easy and sometimes it’s not. But if you do look for it you’re not comparing. You are looking for beauty in any form, and you always find what you look for when you don’t put limits on it. Because there is no limit on, or comparison of, one beautiful thing to the next. And once you start looking for it without comparing yourself or anyone else, then beauty is no longer the ‘enemy’ because you can enjoy it instead of worrying how you can match it, or if anyone else can compare. MODELS ARE BEAUTIFUL! When we stop being angry about that, and let them just be, whether made-up or just naturally beautiful, then the issue will fade away.

And as you said, it’s not just in beauty, but in what we think about ourselves and our capabilities in general. It’s so easy to think that we don’t have value or don’t have ‘what it takes’ in so many ways. And it’s just as easy to let what others think and say play a part in that. But when we take other opinions out of the equation and look for more than what has been said or expected…when we look and see how amazing our individuality is, then things start happening inside!

I can go back to my art metaphor in this. For me personally, I have so often looked for a specific type of drawing or image, and been unable to find what I am thinking of. This used to be frustrating, but now I see something else. Something very important. When I can’t find that image, it’s because the image in my head is all MINE! It is 100% original and nobody else has one like it. For some reason this was a huge epiphany for me!!!! Sure I can find things that are close, but what amazes me is out of all the images that are available on the internet now, I can’t find a single one that is a match to what I imagined? How freakin’ amazing is that!!!! So cool!!!

I guess what that really showed me was just how original we each are. Our thoughts, our ideas, and how we look is almost always completely unique. And the universe loves the unique, because it is always expanding. When we try to conform, we limit not just ourselves, but the expansion of ideas in general!

Imagine if everyone focused on their own ideas and put them out there for others to explore and expand upon instead of trying to recreate what has already been done?!!! We would be so busy and excited about imagining and creating new things, we wouldn’t care about anything else, unless it was a new idea to expand on.

Seeing someone elses idea, whether of beauty or anything else, would be a leaping off point, not a drowning point. And that’s when the limits and comparisons would go away!!

Melody Fletcher January 23, 2013 at 02:02

Wow Nay! That’s awesome! I love this perspective!!! And, being someone who frequently looks for images on the net, I adore the idea of not being able to find an exact match because it’s just too original (although, I have no doubt the match will be created by me or someone else).

Hmm, if we all went out and created our own, unique, prefect realities, we’d have, well, what we have! Isn’t that exactly what we’re doing? No one can match our exact experience and perception. It’s all uniquely ours. Wooohooo!

Sending you hugs and light!

Melody

Alice January 24, 2013 at 06:08

I like it Nay!

Lucy January 21, 2013 at 08:03

Great post as usual, Melody!

I believe Cindy Crawford has once said that she wished she looked like Cindy Crawford.

I’ve had the opportunity to photograph commercial fashion photography (I work in the beauty industry) and indeed all those pictures of models in magazines, on billboards, in advertisements, in store displays look nothing like the ads you see. Models are deliberately chosen based on their natural beauty, facial structure and body type, make up artists are employed to airbrush and make up the model, posing and lighting are critical to make the model look their best and the photoshop is used for removing every last freckle, fine line and deviant hair and adjusting the person’s perceived weight. I’ve even seen hands photoshopped thinner in the quest to create the perfect marketing piece.

As the person behind the camera, it’s an odd sensation seeing my work so drastically altered (I take the photo but the post processing is done by other people), but I feel sorry for the models. I’ve wondered what the additional photoshopping does to their self-image. The message these naturally gorgeous ladies are told is, “not even make up is enough to save you.” The message here is that if even they aren’t ad-perfect enough to skip the post-processing, it’s silly for the average Jane or Joe to compare themselves to any marketing photo seen today.

A couple years ago I was fortunate enough to photograph Cindy Crawford at a non-commercial photo shoot. She is a beautiful lady who knows exactly how to pose for the camera. As I scrolled through my photos on my camera of her, I was struck by the consistency of her head position and facial expression, posing her “modeling look” if you will. The snapshot I love of her the most was the one where she was talking with an audience, looking delighted. I suppose it can be interpreted as connecting with your inner being and allowing the joy to flow through is the transformative make-up that transcends any posing, lighting and post-processing.

Hugs!
Lucy

Lucy January 21, 2013 at 08:50

Oh, how could I forget? This is one of my favorite videos on the subject of post-processing, evah!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_vVUIYOmJM

Melody Fletcher January 23, 2013 at 02:09

Thanks so much Lucy! And I love the video! LOL.

I’ve had the chance to witness some of the transformations that go on and it was certainly eye opening. The people who do the retouching see flaws I can’t even pick up on (and yes, they see them as flaws…). It does take a toll on the model’s self esteem. Critically focusing on yourself for a living generally does.

Many years ago, when I was in a blues band, we had to have publicity shots taken. I spent a few hours in front of the mirror, perfecting just one look – I wanted to make sure I could look into the camera and look good. I found one angle that I thought worked and practised what it felt like to show that to the camera. It worked. When we had the shots taken, the photographer commented that I looked like a pro – I knew how to work the camera. I had ONE look! But the pics did come out great.

Of course, with lack of practice, that look is now gone, lol. But I remember that every time I see a pic of myself that doesn’t look great. After hours of practice and a apparently skilful execution, it still took multiple rolls of film to get a really splendid shot. And yet, we tend to criticize ourselves for not getting it right in one try, without professional makeup or lighting, and a picture taken with a smartphone. It’s like we’re just looking to beat up on ourselves. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody

Sarah Park January 22, 2013 at 06:22

Very inspiring post Melody! Each of us has own basis of beauty. What is important is we see the beauty of every person or thing rather than taking time criticizing the flaws.
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Melody Fletcher January 23, 2013 at 02:09

Thanks Sarah. I couldn’t agree more.

Hugs,

Melody

Christina January 22, 2013 at 22:37

Melody, I loved this post. One thing I’ve learned is we all compare ourselves to someone else and we need to stop. We are perfect exactly as we are. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop coloring my hair or exercising or eating healthy, though, because those things make me feel good. I do them to feel good about myself, not for attention from anyone else.

I’d love to use this post as a guest post on a group blog I’m part of. The site is blog.lipese.com if you’d like to check it out. We’re going to be doing posts on love / relationships / self-care in February and I think this make an awesome fit.
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Melody Fletcher January 23, 2013 at 02:13

Hey Christina,

I love it. I won’t stop coloring my hair either, or wearing makeup, but I do it for me, not everyone else (although, to be fair, that wasn’t always the case…)

Of course you can use this post, as long as you link back here. Or, you could write up your own piece and just reference this one. :)

Huge hugs!!
Melody

Alice January 23, 2013 at 06:45

I don’t believe this. It’s like you are chanting a feel-good statment or slogan heard on Oprah. If you were the only person on Earth you wouldn’t wear make-up. You don’t observe your own face besides in the mirror. It’s not for you. If you felt 100% great about yourself you would not dye your hair, you would not wear make-up, you would not care about what you eat or gaining weight. It just would not matter.

There’s also a standard of beauty here for personality. You won’t be accepted by society if your personality isn’t “beautiful” but have we ever considered that this is a standard too?
If people don’t say the right thing, or sugar-coat their words, sound positive all the time, they just aren’t nice, and not being nice is not in the personality/spiritual fashion.

Alice January 23, 2013 at 06:47

This is a fascinating thought. It just struck me. You also have conformers calling themselves “happy shiny puppies” instead of just being themselves, not a Melody. That’s a type of fashion.
These comments are going to be out of fashion no doubt. Because I don’t conform.

Melody Fletcher January 30, 2013 at 16:24

It depends on if they are choosing to be happy shiny puppies because it feels good and they resonate with it, or just because they want to belong. The latter is conformism, the former is not. There is a difference between finding others who are truly like minded and hanging out with them (without condemning anyone who doesn’t), and changing yourself to fit someone esle’s mould.

Some people truly are happy shiny puppies. And many more really want to be, not to belong, but because it feels so good. There’s a big difference between that and conformism. And if you don’t want to be a happy shiny puppy, that’s ok, too.

Hugs,

Melody

Alice February 2, 2013 at 02:51

Thank you very, very, much. ?

Alice February 2, 2013 at 02:51

That was meant to be a heart.

Melody Fletcher January 30, 2013 at 16:21

Well, I suppose I can’t force you to believe me when I tell you that I feel good about myself AND enjoy wearing makeup and coloring my hair. To me, makeup, hair, jewelry and the like are ways for me to express myself. Some people get tattoos, I wear a bit of MAC. Mind you, I have no problem going out of the house without makeup and I often do, but I also really enjoy playing with different colors and styles, like a little girl playing dress up. It’s a type of self expression and it’s fun.

Am I incapable of feeling beautiful without being dressed up? Nope. But that doesn’t mean I can’t also enjoy getting dolled up. And there’s a big difference between being aware of appreciative glances and needing those glances in order to feel good about oneself. I think there’ll be another blog post in that particular topic, actually. You’re probably not the only one wondering about this.

You don’t have to believe me, that’s your thing not mine. But I disagree that dying your hair or doing anything at all to change your appearance automatically means less than 100% self esteem.

You do make an interesting point, that we have acceptable standards for personality. I addressed this in part in the video on shame. I don’t believe in those standards, either, for the most part, since they cause people to feel inappropriate most of the time. Standardization of humans or any of their qualities causes judgement and low self esteem. Self expression without judgement feels good.

So, I guess the deciding factor is: is judgement present?

Good thoughts.

Hugs,

Melody
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Alice February 2, 2013 at 02:58

You do make an interesting point, that we have acceptable standards for personality. I addressed this in part in the video on shame. I don’t believe in those standards, either, for the most part, since they cause people to feel inappropriate most of the time. Standardization of humans or any of their qualities causes judgement and low self esteem. Self expression without judgement feels good.

So, I guess the deciding factor is: is judgement present?

Yes, I’m thinking of this lately very much. Questioning it entirely.

What is the difference between being “nice” and polite for the sake of it, looking moral, good, pleasant, popularity (catch more flies with honey) and genuine kindness?

Is it kinder to be honest? Constructive?

I wonedr how many nice things people say because they want to, or because it makes them look good/on best manners.

Well I used to do that because I wanted to. Then got stuck with the “nice” label and it irritated others.
Then I just decided to overhaul my entire self, but I’m not sure what’s real.

Sometimes I don’t want to be polite, but do because of hurt feelings or because you will be ostracized if you are mean.
But is that honest?

It’s a pickle.

Kerry January 24, 2013 at 02:29

Wow another great post melody! It really reminds me of how back in the early 1900′s pale was sexy, until Coco Chanel got accidentally sunburnt which then turned into a tan… and that’s when sun damaged skin became sexy.

I notice how you got a bit of negative feedback for this post, but you handled it all so well, with confidence and positivity. Whatever anyone says, I think you are so wise and I find the way you talk in your blogs absolutely hilarious! I hope you realise for every bad comment there’s about 20 great ones, and in my opinion people take things way too seriously and are constantly reading between the lines! Anyway love you loads! And please keep on posting you wonerful woman

Alice January 24, 2013 at 06:00

Hi Kerry,

This is interesting, as I felt inspired to check back here despite no notifications.

A “bad comment” is often an alternative point of view that does not conform to the majority of “good” comments.
A comment may be deemed “good” because it is something the person agrees with, and therefore feels validated. This is eerily similar to what Melody was saying about the fashion industry, and standardized beauty. It is interesting that there is also a standard to thoughts and opinions.
If you stray outside of the accepted thoughts and opinions you are now a negative person, as you are not being agreeable to what everyone else is saying.

You could choose to not say anything at all, and give the illusion that we are all uniform and that there is only one point of view.
You could give in to peer-pressure, make the more popular choice and say: ‘great blog, kudos, well done, cheers”

But it wouldn’t feel authentic.

Besides another women commenting about her experience as a Lesbian, I am the only person here that gave any such “negative” feedback.

As one of Melodys’ biggest fans (commenting on nearly every blog, including archived ones, and reading for almost a year now)
most of my comments are personal questions, thoughts, thoughts of friends, challenges–but the vast majority are eityher questions or compliments.

Seeing that Melody is confident, and well-aware of how awesome she is, I felt it was more authentic to be honest, rather than just say some bland pleasantries in order to be more likeable here.
I have considered doing that to fit in better, but then I would be someone else.

Thanks for the thought-inspiring comment!

Kerry January 24, 2013 at 21:43

Well, when I said bad comment, I meant a comment that might make Melody feel bad. I was just considering if I was in her positiong how I’d feel.

Alice January 25, 2013 at 06:25

That’s very empathetic and considerate. I wish there were more people around me like that. Well there are, but one of the most important people to me has done some really hurtful things.

I think I don’t censor myself with Melody, as I’ve PMed her, and get along with her pretty well. I gather she’s confident.

After seeing her on huffpost and some of those nasty commenst, I got really upset about it.
It’s like I can critique her, but someone else doing it—woah!

I guess that’s how we feel about family and friends. I complain of my parents but if someone else does I feel sad about it.

It’s great to be supportive. It should be a nice day tomorrow.

Alice January 25, 2013 at 06:26

Also I bet I was PMS too. Yep. ;-) My back!

Kerry January 28, 2013 at 01:30

Yeah that’s just how I feel too, I just dislike seeing people criticising her, I guess it’s because I practically idolise her lol! :)

Alice January 29, 2013 at 15:05

We need to idolize ourselves! :-)

Melody Fletcher January 30, 2013 at 16:34

Thanks so much for your kind words, Kerry. :)

You know, what really helps is to understand that there are tons of people out there who will disagree with me, and that this is ok. Of course, I’ve set the intention to attract mostly those who will benefit from this info to my blog, but sometimes someone will benefit WHILE disagreeing. And that’s ok, too. I don’t take it personally, because, well, why would I?

I confess, I happen to think tan skin is sexy too, and I adore spending time in the sun (a few minutes a day make me feel really, really good and I love living in a sunny country. Lack of sunlight makes me grumpy). But again, to each his or her own. :)

Sending you huge squooshy puppy hugs,

Melody

Alice January 31, 2013 at 01:45

Drat!

Well we have so much in common it’s normal that we have different beauty standards.

I really, really hate tanned skin. It just looks burnt to me. I like paler skin, and would love mine to be even paler.

Drat! Oh well, it had to happen on some topic.

Tinu January 24, 2013 at 03:09

Hi Melody, as always, a well put-illustrated-post, the reason I keep coming here…

I’ve never liked conformity in whatever form it presents itself, as long as I do no harm to myself or others and so on (thought I make that clear), it sometimes always has to be what I feel or think, not what I ‘should’ feel or do, umm ! wonder what that’s all about ?

Anyway, I sometimes hear people say to me, things like, ‘you’re not suppose to do it that way’, I do respond by saying, who said? If it feels good to me, looks right to me and so on, surely that should be enough, that itself would shine through.

Sometimes when the mood gets me and I refuse to follow trend (sometimes I do buy trendy stuff, and keep them till they go out of season, then wear them when it suits)…

Although I had struggle with classing myself beautiful at a younger age, beauty was something you could see, and I thought I didn’t have it, untill now…although those thoughts still poke through now and again…I am now accepting my beauty, within.

The slogan at the top of my business website reads ”beauty is within all we do is bring it out…”, says it all.

We are all beautiful !All Of Us ! lets all sing it now, courtesy of Christina Aguilera … # ”I am beautiful. # No matter what they say. # Words can bring me down. # I am beautiful in every single way. # Yes, words can’t bring me down. # Oh no, So don’t you bring me down today…

Love you all…

Melody Fletcher January 30, 2013 at 16:39

Hey Tinu,

I love your slogan!!!! That’s so true!

I do my best to connect with people on a soul level whenever I can. Do I do this 100% of the time? Nope. But more and more. And I’ve found that everyone is beautiful. And I don’t really mean that in a “everyone is beautiful on the inside” kind of way. I mean, when I connect with them on a soul level and see their inner beauty, it shines so brightly that they actually look more beautiful to me physically. And things like pot bellies and wrinkles don’t matter. I see the kindness in their eyes, the humour in their laugh lines, the gentleness in their hands, the strength in their back, etc. It kind of makes me want to hug everyone, lol.

Now, if only I could bottle that… hehehehe.

Huge hugs!!

Melody

PS: That song is one of my all time favorites!

Gauri March 29, 2013 at 16:07

Hey!

This is an interesting post – however I have a different point of view!

I come from South India, where we think it is super boring and unmanly if a man is into beauty parlor and threading and waxing. Me and my girlfriends laugh at men who do that – men who do facials in week-ends and pedicure and manicure are a complete no-no. We would be so ashamed even to call them men. Really! Many of us don’t ever date such men! We like men being “men”. Hygiene is much sexier than beauty treatments. Many men prefer their women do even their shopping for clothes. I know a gay man who was heavily into beauty parlor routines and girls used to make fun of him asking, “why don’t you also wear some designer long skirts?” We have film stars and gorgeous stunning men who don’t have six packs and we don’t think they are ugly. One of the most loved heartthrobs of our cinema is a man whom someone would call plump. He doesn’t even have a good gait. But every girl adores him. He is in his 50s. and I want to date him. Our another popular hero is REALLY short, but again, a heartthrob! He was known as every girl’s prince of charming for years. My girlfriends used to see him in dreams and only thought about him 24/7. One other hunk star here is HUGE in size – and no six pack – and women think he is the sexiest man our cinema ever saw.

And really, there are TONS of women out here who don’t need beauty parlor routines to feel sexy and beautiful. I have seen tons of women who are laborer women, fisherwomen, housemaids who feel awesome and pretty simply by wearing flowers in their hair and dots on their foreheads. One of the most beautiful and STYLISH woman I know (and EVERYONE called her beautiful and stylish) was my housemaid who worked for me. She was a vision everyday, in her lovely well-tied cotton saree and dot on forehead, beautifully braided hair and flowers on the hair. I am bigtime into beauty and fashion and I used to wait everyday just to see her beauty, in her chocolate-colored skin, happily washing my floor or cooking for me. They don’t wax or thread or use great cosmetics. She is illiterate and cant read beauty magazines, but she can make models stare. There are many like her and they are beautiful. And she smelled beautiful. My aunt who used to visit me used to ask, “who is this beauty working for you”? And all the people who know me ask me still where is my ‘beautiful maid’? I called her “my beautiful sister”.

Many times I have met ordinary village women, who don’t read beauty magazines or cosmetics to be stunningly beautiful to make a city diva envious. One fisherwoman I know is so beautiful and alluring without a trace of make-up that I dream of the clothes that she wears to be as beautiful as she is. I have deliberately worked hard made myself look like a simple village woman so that I can have their simple gorgeousness, which people drool over. One gorgeous film star (a guy) once mentioned here, “I find more beautiful women when I visit a temple or walk around in the country side than within the glamor industry”.

And, beauty magazines are not bad. I read beauty and fashion magazines all the time to see all the gorgeous women out there and it is such a pleasure to see them. I have found much beauty in them and never miss an opportunity to see all those beautiful women. Instead of ‘standardizing beauty’, I have found ‘diversified beauty’. I have seen gorgeous women of from chocolate to very fair skin, hair color ranging from red to black, hair tone from curvy to dead straight. It makes me feel I can be beautiful in a VARIETY of ways – just like them; that I don’t need to always have straight hair or one hair color or the same skin color. I have seen gorgeous women of all skin colors, body shapes and sizes, hairstyles, lip sizes etc and this has made me appreciate beauty all the more.

So, this is another perspective. Hugs!:) and much love.

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