What Comes First? The Douchebag, Or The Vibration That Attracted Him?

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by Melody Fletcher on December 13, 2012

 

Awesome Dudette asks: “I am a little confused about the attraction process, especially, in romantic relationships. It has been said that the people in our lives are our mirrors. When it comes to a bad relationship, meaning that your partner is distant or unfaithful, does this mean that you attracted a neutral person and your vibration caused him to act this way? Or are people who they are and is it you who are drawn to that type of bad relationship because of lack of self love? I’m sorry, I’m very confused. For some reason I believe that it is me making them act unloving, unfaithful and so on. As if they are ok when I meet them and then I transform them.”

I love this question. A lot of people are confused about the influence their vibration has on others. And many believe that if there are douchebags or other unwanted manifestations in their reality, it’s their “fault”. You wouldn’t believe how often I have to field the question “Did I attract this because of my poor self-esteem?”, as if they were being punished for having doubts about their own worth.

Your low self esteem: a non-issue

Before I go further, I’d like to interject something here: Stop saying that you have low self-esteem or low self worth or massive insecurities. Everyone has insecurities. That’s a given. But we don’t have to define ourselves by them. There’s a big difference between seeing yourself as someone who is working towards feeling more and more secure and powerful, and someone who sees every bad thing in her life as an inevitable result of her crappy self image. Stop telling that sad and horrible story! Stop labeling yourself this way. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just on a journey, and yes, there are obstacles in your path, but let’s not make a bigger deal of them than necessary. I’ve seen people’s “low self esteem” completely turn around in a matter of weeks. Seeing yourself as someone who has low self esteem will ensure that you keep feeling that way. So, let’s make a deal right now, that starting today, you won’t see yourself as someone with low self esteem anymore, and you won’t keep looking for evidence that proves this belief true, ok? Ok.

So, what came first? The douchebag or the egg?

Back to the question at hand: When we attract a douchebag, did we take a perfectly nice person and turn them into an asshole, or did the Law of Attraction go out and find that perfect specimen who would mirror our belief that men are grunting Neanderthals with the emotional depth of a rain puddle?

The short answer is: It could be either one, really, or a little bit of both, depending on the situation.

Don’t worry, I’ll give you the long answer, too. Because I’m generous like that. And because it’ll give me the opportunity to use the word “Douchebag” some more, and we all know how much that makes me giggle.

No one is one dimensional. Not even a douche. *snort*

The thing is, none of us only has one side. We all have multi-faceted, complex personalities. We all have good moods and bad moods. Each one of us can be a sinner or saint, depending on a huge variety of variables and how they come together in any given situation. Your boss, who struts around all day barking orders like a deranged North Korean Dictator, may be gentle and compassionate with his family at home. The happy lady at the coffee shop who always has a smile for everyone, may also adore gossiping nastily about others. You cannot look at one version of any human being and even begin to understand what else they might have to offer.

However, we all have a general range, based on where our vibration is currently at. For example, I’m quite a happy person. I very naturally tend to focus on the most positive view I can possibly find in any given situation. And if I can’t find one, I know that I will eventually, and then I focus on that. Now, from time to time, I get triggered by something and I might get sad or annoyed or even downright pissed off. This will generally lead to me withdrawing for a bit and finding my center again. I don’t go around snapping at people (that doesn’t feel good to me at all, even when I’m severely annoyed), I don’t watch TV shows that are negatively focused. I do everything I can to find my way back to happy shiny puppy land as quickly as possible. So, even though I definitely have different sides to my personality, some more quirky, some more serious, my general range is annoyed to giddy. I don’t really stray outside of those parameters. Even if you catch me on a bad day, I won’t be a bitch. I just seem much more quiet than usual.

Now, take someone who is depressed and severely angry. This person’s range will be quite different from mine. They’ll generally swing between depression and/or rage, and making bitter, nasty jokes at the expense of others, which to them, would represent the top of their range, or as close to joy as they can currently get (although, that of course, can be changed with just a teensy bit of focus). If this person is having a bad day, you should hide the knives. If they’re having a good day, they may still be a total jerk, only funnier (possibly, only to themselves).

So, whomever you attract into your life, something in their range, what is in their ability to offer you, will match the vibration you’re offering. Perhaps not ALL of their personality will be a match, and there may be a great deal of them that you never get to see, but something in their range is a perfect mirror to you.

When you need a proper Jerk

If your beliefs about men/women, relationships or yourself are of a low vibration, then you’re going to attract someone who has it in them to mirror this frequency back to you. A happy shiny puppy who sometimes gets annoyed won’t do. You’ll need a proper jerk, someone who has the ability to get truly nasty and mean when it’s vibrationally called for. In that instance, you may attract someone who really can’t be truly nice to you. It’s beyond them at that time, due to their own massive fears and defensive mechanisms.

Because this type of person isn’t ready to shift upwards, they are very stable in their low vibration. This means that they will not match your higher vibration. The danger of allowing their vibration to train you into a lower frequency is pretty large. But, if you can hold on to your higher vibration, they will gravitate right out of your experience. And, as I explained in a recent post, you should totally let them. The process of letting them go would actually be a major part of your own growth.

When you need a Jekyll and Hyde

Your vibration, however, may be better served by someone who isn’t a TOTAL jerk, but is a bit higher up on the vibrational scale. This person is either mired in a low vibration, but ready to shift out of that, or has the ability to be a semi-douchebag and a reasonably nice guy, depending on the situation.

In this case, your vibration will match you up with only the side of him that matches you. You are eliciting the part of them that matches your vibration. This is always the case, by the way, not just in romantic relationships. Every interaction you have, even the most mundane, is mirroring your vibration back to you. The good news is that your vibration is quite easy to change. All you have to do is focus differently.

If you’re dealing with a Jekyll and Hyde and are changing your vibration, you’ll see drastic changes in their behavior and personality. Their jerkiness will turn into a much gentler approach. Where they weren’t ready to hear you before, they now sit down and actually listen to you. They respond easily to your shift to a higher vibration, because they’re on the cusp of such a shift as well.

This is also the person who may frequently not be available to you. If your vibration is high and they are struggling with their focus that day and aren’t a match to you, they won’t be able to come anywhere near you. Now, while this is always true for everyone (people don’t fit cleanly into these categories), this fluctuation will be more pronounced with these individuals. When you get two people together who are both trying their best to shift upwards (consciously or not), there will be days when they’re just totally mismatched. Don’t take this personally. If you’re feeling good and can’t get a hold of him, know that he will find you when his vibration allows it. Lowering your vibration by beating up on yourself for not being good enough to deserve a phone call may then make you match to him that day, but it will be a miserable match. It’s better to stay in a high place and let him follow you there.

When you need a Prince Charming

As you shift into higher and higher vibrations, your energy may well make you a match to a kind, gentle, funny, spiritual, sexy, happy dude. This will be the guy who couldn’t come anywhere near your reality as long as you were in douchebag mode and beating up on yourself.

Again, his highness will have a range of vibrations to offer you. Some will be way better than others. And while he won’t turn into a total jerk, he will still be able to show you where your vibration is at, at any given moment. You’ll still be eliciting the absolute perfect version of him to match what’s going on with you.

So, let’s say that you’re a happy, shiny puppy, but are having a “bad” day. You feel a bit grumpy and annoyed. Well, in that case, Mr. Charming may be a bit distant. Or he may even be a bit of a jerk. He won’t necessarily punch a hole in the wall, but he’s more than capable of making a comment that you could totally take the wrong way and have a meltdown over.

Where’s the cheaters at?

You may be wondering which category of the above three has the cheaters in it. Well, to be honest, it’s all three. Cheating doesn’t have a specific vibration. You can’t say that it only happens to really low vibrational people. Cheating is an activity that can represent and mirror a huge variety of frequencies and emotions. No two people experience cheating or being cheated on in exactly the same way. I’ll have to write a separate blog post on cheating, since it’s such a huge subject, but for now, my point is this:

If your resistance would be best illustrated to you by someone cheating on you, you will manifest someone who has the ability to cheat. Then, you will elicit that cheating behavior from them. Someone who does not have the ability to cheat will not make it into your reality. And that cheater you’re with, could potentially NOT cheat, if your vibration were different (or, he would have to leave).

Eliciting the version you want

So, let’s say that you’re with a jerky guy, nothing horrific, but not exactly acting the way you want him to. And, because you’ve learned that you create your own reality, you know that his behavior is simply mirroring back your vibration. It’s at this point that most LOA students will focus on changing the other person’s behavior. They will focus on the jerkiness and try and feel better about it, maybe not let it bother them as much or even make excuses for it. He’s insecure, his mother never loved him properly, he’s going through a rough patch. And while focusing on others in a way that feels truly better can work wonders, that’s usually not what’s happening in these situations.

Focusing on the other person’s actions or lack thereof, is a great way to get into self-blame. He’s a jerk because you have low self esteem. If only you didn’t have these unworthiness issues, he’d text you back. Holy crap, how awful does THAT feel?

Here’s the thing. The BIG thing. The most important thing. Seriously, write this shit down, y’all:

 

It’s not about THEM and what they’re DOING. It’s about YOU and how you’re FEELING.

 

I know, I know, you’ve heard me say this before. And I’ll keep saying it until every last one of you hears me. It’s not about their actions. It’s not even about what you’re eliciting from them. That’s merely the mirror, the message. It’s really about how you feel. But that’s the crux of it. So many people would much rather focus on anything and everything, except how they feel. That’s too damn scary.

Let’s face it. A great many women would rather focus on how they can change their behavior so that their misogynist boyfriend will be nicer to them, rather than admit that he’s never actually been what they wanted. He’s what they settled for out of fear that no one else would come along. The constant focus on his behavior and moods and what they could DO (with action) to make him change, keeps them from focusing on what they need to be looking at: their own emotional wellbeing. And make no mistake, it’s no different when the woman is the bitch and the man is trying to become self-aware.

Bottom line

Do you attract the douchebag (Doucheattraction)? Yes. Do you elicit the douchebag behavior (Douchelicitation) from someone who also has the ability to be different? Yes. But do you actually cause someone to be a douchbag (Douchetransformation)? No. If they don’t have it in them to be all douchey, then they won’t be able to make it into your reality as long as you’re giving off a douche-attracting vibe (or Douchevibe). I freaking love this paragraph!!

But remember, the way to change your vibe is not to focus on their doucheyness, or their behavior (or yours!), but rather to be honest about how you truly feel and then do whatever you can to feel better. If you can do that, Mr. Douche may turn into Prince Charming, or he may gravitate out of your reality to make room for Sir Charming to ride on into your reality. Because you are worthy of Prince Charming. You are worthy of happiness. You deserve to get what you truly want. You just have to have the courage to admit it and allow it to happen.

Douchebag out. Ha.

 

{ 91 comments }

mopeychild December 13, 2012 at 14:13

dyu think even sociopaths have multifacedted personalities? what about the people we see on criminal minds who enjoy being sadistic? does everyone have a childhood trigger. or can someone just be plain bad?

also i keep fluctuating between lowseflesteem and high self esteem..but my psychiatrist calls it some funky disordery name..im confused..is this normal?

John December 13, 2012 at 15:27

Dear Mopeychild – good name by the way , do you think that may have something to do with your condition ?? Maybe you should consider changing it to something that reflects the real you – Happychild , spiritchild , cheerychild to name a few.

Anyway read this and you might understand your condition a bit better —-

(NaturalNews) The industry of modern psychiatry has officially gone insane. Virtually every emotion experienced by a human being — sadness, grief, anxiety, frustration, impatience, excitement — is now being classified as a “mental disorder” demanding chemical treatment (with prescription medications, of course).

The new, upcoming DSM-5 “psychiatry bible,” expected to be released in a few months, has transformed itself from a medical reference manual to a testament to the insanity of the industry itself.

Learn more: http://www.naturalnews.com/038322_DSM-5_psychiatry_false_diagnosis.html#ixzz2EwDF16AB

It sounds like you are as sane as the rest of us if you go by what the psychiatry industry wants us to believe their bullshit.

mopeychild December 13, 2012 at 18:10

Hey john, thanks for replying, BUT my question really was a genuine one. I’ve tried to commit suicide a couple of timesand I even cut myself and to me its very normal behaviour, but it does qualify as ‘ abnormal’ , right? Even if to me its something that brings me relief.
That’s the point of view I was talking about. I don’t think all of psychiatry is bullshit or insane. I’m on medication and its helped me immsensely.
What I did mean to ask is..how do I differentiate between healthy behaviour ( like swings in self esteem) to abnormal swings? Also so sociopaths qualify as sick or not?
Also my names a bit of a joke. No, I am not a spiritchild or happychild, and I’m okay with that :)

Marjorie December 13, 2012 at 19:32

hi mopey!

first off, I am SO glad that you made your way to Melody’s blog somehow–that really means you’re on the right path! Like Mel always says, she only attracts awesome people and you, my dear, are one of them! So just last night I was talking with my mom and my sis. I tried suicide once and failed. My sis reminded me that it wasn’t time for me to go yet. Looking back I was in so much pain…felt worthless, hopeless, ugly, fat, insert all self-hating adjectives here. I hated myself but yet am the type of person that would do anything for anyone…I’m also selfless. Fast forward 15 years and here we are! Not a shiny puppy all of the time, but am leaps and BOUNDS away from where I was then. I was a single mom with 4 kids and when I accepted my life as it was, started living in the moment and slowly started loving myself, things slowly started to change–for the better. Shortly after I met my husband, who happens to be the jekyll and hyde that Melody described in this post. We’re not perfect, but he’s perfect for me and vice versa! We have a long way to go for both of us to raise our vibrations or even match, but we’re on our way and that makes me happy! Really happy you found this blog, mopey!

Marjorie

Alice December 14, 2012 at 10:36

Wow! Wow ! Wow! I want to “like” both John and Mopeys’ comments as both views are quite correct, and I feel strongly about them both depending on my mood. :-)

I agree with John, in sooo many ways because depending on which hospital/expert/column writer or psychologist you talk to they will say a different thing! (changes on bias)

I had a friend treated for depression, but if you take them to a clinic that makes money in specializing in anxiety, they will definetly diagnose anxiety.
Another place is specializing in Bipolar and Borderline Personality, will give the person one of those labels.
Another psychiatrist speciality is Schizophrenia, and nearly every person that goes to him, I bet he says they have that,

So it’s unlikely someone has ALL depression, anxiety, bipolar, unipolar, schizophrenia, BPD, etc AT THE SAME TIME…but that’s what will happen when some people with undefined symptoms go trotting the globe searching for a label.

I have been fortunate, all different doctors/advice people have said the same thing for me “depression”
so luckily I have ONE label to deal with, and don’t have the burden of being called psychotic or anything else.

In unluckier circumstance, who knows what terrible label I might have had?

So I take other peoples’ labels with a grain of salt. If you read the diagnostic thingo you could tick of maybe 20% of nearly all diagnosis on a bad day.

Let’s try this now, pick any diagnosis and I guarantee there will be at least one check box ticked.
Because it’s generally spanning MONTHS so everyone feels sad or anxious etc within that time period, no one can be considered sane!

Also there are doctors that consider a headache a tumor…so be careful, some diagnosis are harmful.

And from talking to nurses, my assumptions are correct, and what my friend said…they are biased to a speciality.

So the skin-cancer doctor is looking for skin-cancer…the “disorder” doctor will look his/her hardest to find any evidence you have that disorder and require treatment.

BTW right now Melody could even be considered some “disorder” because people don’t believe in energy, vibrations, mood swings caused by 2012… so yeah they’d take the best of us and claim them insane.

No one is belittling your depression or suicidal feelings, but labels will make you feel worse.
You’re doing so well, don’t call yourself “disordered” just “depressed” sounds better.

I don’t consider my depression a “disorder” it’s depression.

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 15:16

Hey Mopey,

Yes, even sociopaths (actually, especially sociopaths) have multifaceted personalities. People who commit actions like those on criminal minds are no different from you and me. They have beliefs like everyone else. The construct is the same. It’s just that they have often experience horrific abuse and are rebelling against horrendous amounts of powerlessness. In their belief, the only option for release is to harm others. Do they have the capacity to find different options? Yes, we all do.

When you fluctuate wildly like that (what is often referred to as bipolar disorder) it simply means that you are a very strong focuser. When you focus positively, you get really, really positive, really really fast. When you focus negatively, you get really, really negative, really really fast. You live in extremes because your focus is so intense. For you, even more than others, it’s important to understand that how you feel is directly dependent on how you are focusing. When you get that, you can focus yourself into the positive feelings more often.

As for if it’s normal, you’re asking the wrong person. I haven’t been normal, well, ever really. ;)

Huge hugs!!

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Quick LOA Questions Volume 13 – Resistance, Arrogance and HellMy Profile

Alice December 17, 2012 at 06:59

What is unipolar in terms of energy?

Years ago I was diagnosed with major depression, but one doctor described it as “unipolar” because years and years later I still had it.

There is a condition where people have a low grade continuous depression for years, and then whe events happen they would have major depression on top of their normal depression.
However unipolar is not “low grade” it’s a constant or years long event, but at the same severity as someone in grief or short-term major depression.

I know it was pretty rare, because there are people with years of depression , but not that severe for such a constant amount of time.

I even had obvious outward signals of someone and thinking that indicated grief, I had grief for literally years!

So they said this is Unipolar…

Alice December 17, 2012 at 07:14

Also I was wondering why some people never recover, or are like that most of their life, even with happy focus getting married, having kids, good things happening…

You see famous cases of people like that, and they just call it a “chemical” and treat it like any condition, like diabetes and accept being depressed on and off their whole lives..

What is that?

Is that real or is it they never got healed for the core wound?

What happened?

Melody Fletcher December 17, 2012 at 16:50

Hey Alice,

When someone is “negatively” focused, they will experience negative emotions. When someone is negatively focused without even realizing it, they can look at positive things like family and love, etc, and still be focused in a negative way underneath. It’s a kind of chronic pessimism and it can be changed, although it’s not easy, I grant you that. The problem is that people like this will be asked to think more positive thoughts, but there will be no change in feeling. They will often think they’re positively focused when, really, they’re not. And even when they have a brief respite, when they have a moment of true positive emotion, their default quickly takes over again and the go right back to depression.

The key to fixing this is understanding of how the negative feelings are created, awareness of one’s thoughts (this can be the hardest part, since the thoughts and feelings have been there for so long that the person is really not at all aware of them any more. They can be feeling bad without even knowing that they’re feeling bad. It’s just “normal” to them), and very deliberately and consistently focusing on better feeling (truly better feeling) thoughts.

People in depression get a lot of healing from anger. and yet, I’ve found that anger often feels inaccessible to them. They are so mired in powerlessness that they shut down anger before it can really get any momentum going. And yet, getting really angry (not at themselves!) for a few days or even weeks would rip them right out of that depression. They wouldn’t be much fun to be around for a while, but so what? And yet, they’re so used to being angry only at themselves, that it just feeds back in a loop and keeps them stuck in depression.

And about the unipolar… Interesting expression. I think I’m unipolar. My default mode is to be positively focused. But then, so is everyone. We are all unipolar in that way. We are always striving to feel better. If we weren’t, it wouldn’t hurt so much when we resist it. Depression wouldn’t feel bad. But it does. That’s because we’re unipolar. I like that! I don’t think that’s what the psychiatrist meant, but I don’t care. I’m ripping it off and changing the meaning. Cause I’m a rebel like that. Ha.

Huge smooshy hugs!!

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Preparing For 2013 – My End Of Year RitualMy Profile

Alice December 18, 2012 at 01:51

:-) :-) :-) WHAT A SUPER ANSWER, I WILL TRY TO GIVE AN EQUALLY EPIC ONE!

That’s fine, even before you said that I am praying (not really, more hoping and trying very hard here for months) that I will be “unipolar” happy style, like some freaky person, who FEELS as good as I act (I’m generally bouncy and try hard to be happy, and smile, despite enormous internal pain)

that in recovery from my unipolar of years of that depression (your description was perfect, I am thinking positive, but underneath there’s subconscious hurts, thank you this gives the condition so much justice, and explains why all those new LOAers or people with depression for less of time than me don’t get it and assume negativity.
You can always copy and paste this answer if those people ever pop up saying depressed are negative, don’t try or just don’t use their willpower to think positive. It’s much more than that, and much harder, those cocky bastard people!)

^ last part demonstrating the healing power of anger, and did I mention several times how anger inducing people that had depression for a few months or a couple of years, and not the majority of their life are– when they assume all this stuff, and think they are the masters of LOA and so superior in their recovering abilities!?<<<angry enough? ;-)

Thank you so much again, as this is the best description of this journey I've seen, and it's very empathetic thank you. Also thank you for also saying that we think we are positively focused, because that points out the fact that we ARE trying, just unaware of undercurrents.

Thank you! thank you! thank you!

It takes much time repetition of deliberate REAL positive focus, and then you don't know if it triggers those undercurrents, until you feel crappy again the next day, so you have to get on this ten foot horse, and keep trying, even though happiness is something YOU CAN'T REALLY REMEMBER, so you are chasing the unknown, and giving it such an emotional effort, and when you fall off that hourse, you crack your spine!

*epic!*

Alice December 18, 2012 at 02:04

What a tweet “Overcoming life-long depression is like falling off a ten foot horse, cracking your spine, and then dragging yourself back up to quest to a forgotten destination.”

John December 13, 2012 at 15:14

Ok , Ok – I will admit it first up , it was a good post and I appreciate the fact that it was explained and written by a woman “but really” why does every douchebag always have to be a guy , I mean I have met plenty of douchegals also (I won’t call them bags only because I think women deserve more respect than to be called a bag) to think that guys
are the only ones here is a bit chauvanistic(spelling not correct – stiff)

Ok , now having got that of my chest let’s get back on track. I always try my best to a positive person (sometimes I have to fight myself to be it but that’s another story) , I always try to find the best in a person and try to disregard any negatives , try being the optimum word because sometimes they can be so damn negative that I can feel the energy being sucked right out of me and I just have to excuse myself and walk away while I still have any left.

I will admit that Awesome Dudette hit the nail on the head when she asked: “I am a little confused about the attraction process, especially, in romantic relationships. It has been said that the people in our lives are our mirrors. When it comes to a bad relationship, meaning that your partner is distant or unfaithful, does this mean that you attracted a neutral person and your vibration caused him to act this way? Or are people who they are and is it you who are drawn to that type of bad relationship because of lack of self love? I’m sorry, I’m very confused. For some reason I believe that it is me making them act unloving, unfaithful and so on. As if they are ok when I meet them and then I transform them.”

I’m not saying that the ladies I’ve had in my life have been the unfaithful or cheating type but why did they turn from princesses at the start of our relationship to the mean ugly witch after a while in it – is my mirror reflecting hannibal the horrible in it or what? I was brought up to be a gentleman around women , show them respect , open car doors , treat them like ladies etc etc but it seems that when I do that they turn around and slap me in the face for doing it , it’s like what the F**K did I do wrong. Boy , all I can say is that my bloody mirror must be like the one at fairground all twisted and distorted.

I could go on and turn this into a mini novel but I think you get my drift – don’t always blame us guys because sometimes we are not at fault , sometimes we are just like little puppies wanting to be loved for who we are not what we are suppose to be.

Have a nice day Y’all —- the bewildered Aussie from downunder.

Marjorie December 13, 2012 at 17:17

Hi Melody!

This is all starting to make more and more sense for me, THANK YOU! I needed a little bit of clarification. When you say, “But remember, the way to change your vibe is not to focus on their doucheyness, or their behavior (or yours!), but rather to be honest about how you truly feel and then do whatever you can to feel better. If you can do that, Mr. Douche may turn into Prince Charming”…you say to be honest about how I truly feel…feel about what? why he’s acting like a douche or whether I’m dealing with some type of resistance? Cuz you said we weren’t responsible for the douche’s actions.

xoxo,
Marjorie

Marjorie December 13, 2012 at 17:21

Hey John!

I posted a response to Melody under your comment by accident. I did want to say that your comments about douchygals was hilarious and made me spit out my coffee :) Isn’t it crazy how people go around thinking, “nice guys always finish last” or that “women SAY they want a nice guy but really don’t mean it”…all false beliefs if you ask me. I’m so glad that your mother raised a gentleman, I’m sure you’ll make someone very happy one day! I think perhaps some other things were going inside of you (resistance) while you were being a gentleman that caused you to attract these females into your life. I think once you start releasing some of that resistance Ms. Right will come into your reality! Thanks for making me giggle this morning!

Marjorie

H. December 13, 2012 at 19:15

Hi John!

I agree with Marjorie. In fact, I can relate a bit with what you said. Most of the times I’m the nice girl, the lover, the friend and the “dudette” a guy can ask. It’s all good in the beginning, and then, the “doucheness” starts coming in small and then bigger waves, and then when reality finally kicks in I get frustrated and want to understand and them to change and then they gravitate out of my sphere. – Thank God for that!

I can only talk for myself, but I think it may be what is happening with you. My previous behaviours were all with the intention to having a good time and sharing with my ex-boyfriends, and I managed to do some of that, but most of those acts came from a place of fear to be rejected. And it was a fear that I’ve been dealing with for a long time. So I saw that I attracted douches that still had un unhealthy way of dealing with their fears (everyone has them..) and then rejected me. And then again. A loop, a vicious cycle.

The last one during our relationship even managed to explain all the process that was in his head – months before it happened, and regarding a previous relationship. As far as I know right now is that he is still a douche, which is a pitty because he was smart enough to recognize that and could be smart enough to overcome… Well, fear is a tricky thing, makes people lie and manipulate and have control issues. Errghhh…

Maybe with you is more or less the same (with me, not my ex). You have kind behaviours that come from a place of fear and then the douchegals come. Some of those gals may even have beliefs that guys who appear to be “nice” are frustrated weirdos that only want to jump to their pants and after that they will behave the same way all the others do; and/or are the kind of dudes that can’t cope with simply a healthy friendship. And seriously, who wants a guy described as described in this belief when all they can see are proofs to their own reality?

Or some other girls may even think that you’re too good for them, that they’re not enough, and then make you feel bad for the issues you (like everyone in the planet) have and then they are an excuse for leaving, because at that time they can’t cope with themselves and you at the same time.

You’ll find a girl/woman who will see you for who you are, no worries :) Until then, keep enjoying life and letting go of fear or whatever other stuff you may need to deal with :)

Hugs

Alice December 14, 2012 at 10:45

Hello John, Love your comments!!!

Well I’d say that I have the same thing sometimes in reverse, with some people…

It is confusing, as they are not instant mirrors, it creeps up on you. :-)

Maybe we believe “all good things must come to an end” start doubting, as they were so great, and then attract the worst of them.

Or you also are with someone that has the push-pull complex and once you start getting close they push you away…
I know them far too well.

Maybe that person is both a princess and a witch…but you just got to see the entire spectrum.

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 15:29

Hey John,

I did add the line: “it’s no different when the woman is the bitch and the man is trying to become self-aware” for that very reason. Men can attract douchegals, too. ;)

If you are attracting women who have a hard time letting a nice guy in, who can’t trust that your motives are actually nice and who, when you show them kindness, shut down and push you away, then yes, they are mirroring something back to you. Of course you’re a nice guy, but there’s more to it than that. There’s a belief in there somewhere that isn’t serving you. There’s an imbalance in power. You are giving too much of yours to them. The answer is not to try and take theirs and become a douche yourself, but rather to find BALANCE. That means not putting up with women treating you like crap. Setting boundaries. Not in a mean and aggressive way, but simply by knowing what you’re worth and being willing to say no or even walk away when a woman mistreats you. These women are walking all over your boundaries because you have none or at least you don’t define them early enough. It’s not good enough to only define them when it’s gone way too far and you’ve had enough. You can set boundaries right from the start. And you can do it while being nice.

A lot of women AND men confuse niceness with weakness. And they are not the same thing at all. It comes down to knowing your worth and not being willing to put up with more than you’re willing to put up with. Compromise? yes. Mistreatment? Nope! If she acts like a bitch, even the first time, take her home and say goodnight. Don’t reward that kind of behaviour. You don’t have to engage and yell and scream and fight. Just take yourself out of the game and walk away. She’ll get the message. Drama is not welcomed in your playground. And if she can’t get real and leave the drama outside, then perhaps she’s not the one you want to play with. Move on and align with someone better.

But often, in our fear that perhaps no one better is out there, we put up with the drama and just let it go. Don’t do that. You can talk about it when she’s calmed down, but make it clear that you don’t enjoy interacting on that level and so you won’t. And know that if she doesn’t work out, there will be one who will, one who doesn’t want a man who will put up with drama. :)

You don’t have to be something you’re not. Just really know who you are and value that more than you have been doing. Give yourself MORE credit, not less.

Huge hugs!!

Melody
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John December 16, 2012 at 04:12

Hi Melody – another wonderful reply and very much appreciated.

I’m having a lot of trouble with this LOA thing right now , especially the mirroring part and based on some of the other comments on here there may be others who are also finding it hard to come to grips with it.

I agree that we all create our own reality with the choices we make , I agree that subconcious beliefs about certain areas in our life can be preventing the manifestations of or changes to those areas eg: health , money , relationships(personal , general and business) etc etc but this mirroring thing has got me stumped.

The beliefs I have towards women , being a gentleman towards them all come from subconcious beliefs that I truly believe in , I mean why shouldn’t a guy be a gentleman with them after all if it wasn’t for women none of us would be here , Right? – my view is that if God or source or whatever one calls it placed such a high importance of a woman on his (or her) list of priorities for the creation of the human species then I see no reason why I shouldn’t also.

Yes , I agree that men play an important role also but in the overall context of things it is the woman who actually produces , carries and nurtures that seed into a human creation the mans job is meerly to germinate it and while it is fun for the man being the germinator initially that’s the only part he plays in human creation which is really ( when you thnk about it) no different to the rain germinating the seed from the acorn tree (or any other seed) and until nature develops a way for a man to produce , carry and nurture a human creation then women are here to stay and as far as I am concerned they should be valued as such for as I have previously stated they are the actual creator of human life , we have even developed a way in which men do not have to partake in the physical creation of our species anymore apart from being physical with themselves and providing the end result to a sperm bank so a woman can come in and pick and chose like going to a supermarket to pick up her weekly supplies , Oh! I like that one yes please I’ll have some with blue eyes , blond hair , no on second thoughts I’ll have the one with brown eyes and dark hair and I’ll train him to be just like my dear old Dad who loved me with all my faults , I mean jeez how long before they’ll have mail order sperm banks where it’ll come frozen like an ice block with the instructions heat for 2 mins in micro wave , then let stand for 1min before insertion , and of course it’ll come with a 6 months warranty or your money back – Ok enough said , I think you know what I mean and where I stand on the issue.

Now back to this mirroring thing , maybe I just not getting it , maybe it’s just going over my head but coming to grips that any partner I happen to be with when I treat them with the respect and love I think they deserve that is coming from my heart who then turns around and treats me like some weirdo or dropkick then what the hell am I mirroring , what is it in me that they are mirroring back ?

I went into a meditation and asked this very question to my soul and the reply was interesting – I was told what they are mirrioring back is not the fact that there is anything wrong you , as long as your feelings are from your heart centre , what they are mirroring back is that they feel unworthy of your affection for reasons only they know and only they can change. Now this put a whole different perspective on things , no longer do I feel that the problem lies with me but on my partner and it is up to me to chose if I am willing to allow them to grow and change to accept me as I am or do I abandon ship and look for someone who has been through the changes and is already willing to accept me as I am.

The only problem I can see with abandoning ship is that that is the easy way out , I mean the partner I might be with could be a diamond in the rough and by taking the easy way out I might never get a chance to see the polished finish that someone else will. It’s also the reason that there are so many marriages and relationships ending in divorce and split ups these days , nobody wants to take responsibilty for their actions anymore it’s always someone else’s fault not their own.

Wow Mel you’re a bloody genius , I think by writing this down that I have uncovered the fact that what they are mirroring back to me is their thoughts and beliefs about themselves and not their thoughts and beliefs about me and all I need to do is make sure that my thoughts and beliefs are coming from my heart and not my gonads that most women believe men think with.

And just to be fair , yes Ladies sometimes we do think with our gonads but it’s usually when you are putting out the vibrations that tell us that’s what you want us to think with , you wouldn’t want a guy to be thinking about fixing his car when you’re thinking about him fixing you now would you – be honest.

Mel , your valuable input again would be appreciated , am I on the right track or am I still lost in the woods.

Take care , luvs ya all – John

Nay December 16, 2012 at 23:11

John,

Have to comment, as usual! ;) This mirroring thing is hard, and figuring out why they are mirroring what they are to you is important. But remember, focusing on you just feeling better is just as important.

Now, you say you get a sense that women are showing you fears about their own self worth, that their insecurities are causing them to treat you bad. This could be very, very true. And if this is true, your choice and feelings about it determine everything that happens to you. If this is what you sense from them, and have no desire to deal with it, then you do just need to walk away. It’s not giving up. It’s saying I won’t accept this behavior towards me. Or more simply, I won’t allow myself to feel this way, and if the only way I can stop feeling bad around this woman is to walk away, then that is what I will do.

But…I also have a different take. Your first paragraph says a whole lot about how you feel about women and men, if I take it at face value. Its almost as if you think women are better than men, more important in the scheme of things. Hell, you said it flat out! ‘…in the overall context of things it is the woman who actually produces , carries and nurtures that seed into a human creation the mans job is meerly to germinate it…’ That right there is what is being mirrored back at you! If you feel you are not as important, then it’s really no surpirse women treat you in such a way.

I’m not saying you are a complete pansy about being a man, or that you truly think men are worthless, but there is obviously a sense of less self worth, when compared to women and their reproductive capabilities. It’s wonderful you think women are so worhtwhile, but the fact that they can carry a child and you can’t does NOT make you less important. Period!!!! This is like saying a woman who cannot concieve is somehow less. I know, a huge exageration but, WE ARE ALL EQUALLY IMPORTANT. Man or woman.

Yeah I gues I feel very strongly about this! You as a man, as a person, gonad thinking and all, are way too important to ever accept being treated as less because you are a gentleman. It’s not giving up to walk away from someone who does not treat you well. The fact is, when you start realizing just how awesome you are, you won’t even meet women who will treat you as less. If a woman from the past who treated you bad showed up after you changed your vibration, she would no longer show you those mean traits, so you won’t have to wonder if they are a diamond in the rough anymore. You won’t have to walk away because they can no longer treat you the way they did, because you don’t feel the same.

Ok, done. Sorry for butting! ;)

John December 17, 2012 at 13:28

Thanks mel , another good reply but I think we should leave there as I don’t seem to be explaining myself properly or something.

First off , I do not think of myself as being any less or more important than a woman or anyone else for that matter , as you said we are all equal.

I do not feel that men are in any way less important than women.

I have a very healthly feeling of self worth and self confidence (believe it or don’t believe it – not my problem) and know beyond any doubts that I am one with divine source and no I am not bragging about it because we all realise sooner or later that we are , it’s just that some take longer to accept it than others and no that doesn’t imply that I feel I am any better than anyone else because I’m not.

I have already walked away from one marriage because I didn’t like the way I was being treated and taken for granted and I will admit for a while after I felt like I had thrown in the towel because of something , which to me now seems so trivial.

I was brought up to believe that when I was faced with a problem I was to learn to deal with it and not give up and run away with my tail between your legs – it reminds of the story of the little kid at the park playing ball and when the other kids wouldn’t play by his rules he takes his ball and goes home sulking that they wouldn’t play the way he wanted them to.

I am now in my 2nd marriage and am seriously thinking about throwing in the towel on that also because for the last 29 years all I have done is give give give and whenever I brought up the fact that I wasn’t happy about it was told I am a selfish pig who only ever thinks of what I want – fortunately my children know the whole story and have often asked me why I put up with it – My reply is usually something like “because I’m a dickhead who won’t run away from his problems” and besides I didn’t want to put my children through something that was not or never was their problem or concern.

Early on in our marriage I could sense a problem – because the day after our wedding I was asked “so now I guess you think you own me” , it totally came out of left field and to this day I cannot understand why she said it and indicated that it might be a good idea if we went to a counseller so we could nip it in the bud before it got worse and was told in no uncertain terms “I don’t have a problem you do so you go see a counseller” – my wife comes from a family where it’s never anyone in the families fault it’s always someone else’s , had I known this at the start things may have been different but her family lives in another country and it took a while before it shown through and as unfortunate as it is once I commit myself to something I try to honour my committment.

I see too many kids these days having to endure the shit , the confusion , the self blame (because they think they are the cause of it) and all the other feelings they have to suffer with all because their so called “grown up parents” are more concerned with their own feelings than they are about their childrens and quiet frankly it pisses me off no end that these poor kids have to be put through the wringer all because their parents can’t sort out their bloody problems like the grown ups they claim to be.

What I was trying to point out Melody was that in my opinion men(no , not all of us) do not give women the respect they deserve and I wasn’t or didn’t mean to imply that women were in anyway superior just because human creation starts and ends with them and I was certainly NOT implying that women who are unable to give birth (through no fault of their own) are any less of a woman than those who can , in my heart they will always recieve the same respect as anyone else.

My problem in explaining myself appears to get missinterpreted often so it would be better in future if I keep my thoughts to myself so as not to cause any further confussion , my God I sound like the little kid with his ball , and no I’m not about to go off sulking but facing the fact that I am not as articulate in my words as others may be at getting their point across or as my Dad used to say “if you can’t say anything useful it’s better to say nothing at all”

Yes , I still luvya – take care …….. John

Melody Fletcher December 17, 2012 at 17:04

Hey John,

Don’t you worry. We’re all one big family here. :)

Ok, it’s not exactly a self-worth issue for you, but it is, and I still stand by this, about setting boundaries. And yes, you’re on the right track in your realization that their behaviour is not a judgement about you. Thinking it was, was a problem. :) If your wife walks all over you and you do nothing about it, what message are you sending to yourself, to her, to the Universe? You’re saying that how she feels is more important than how you feel. You’d rather sacrifice your own self worth for, well, what? To not rock the boat? You attracted the perfect mate to show you that this is what you’ve got going on and she’s been dancing around on your buttons for years. But, you can elicit a different version of her. You first have to decide that your feelings matter. They actually matter more than hers. You don’t have to be a dick about it, but you do have to understand that her feelings are her business and yours are yours. You cannot sacrifice yourself enough to ever make her or anyone else happy. And she is continuously showing you that. The more you give, the more she wants. It never ends. Start giving to yourself. Be kinder to yourself. You say that you understand your own worth, but your actions say otherwise. How you are treating yourself says otherwise. You are giving her (and I suspect others) your power by caring MORE about how they feel than how you feel. And all under the guise of being a gentleman and a nice guy. You can be a nice guy and still honor your own feelings. When your children ask you why you put up with her behavior, they are asking “why don’t you care how you feel?” Start caring. It’ s the only thing you can control anyway.

Oh, and read my first comment again. It might make more sense now. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody
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John December 17, 2012 at 13:35

My God , it’s happened again – sorry Nay I honestly thought that your reply was from Melody not from you and Melody my sincerest apologies for thinking that it was your reply when it wasn’t – has anyone got a big rock I can crawl under please I feel so embarrssed about this – shit , F**k , Holy cow batman where in for it now.

Nay December 18, 2012 at 05:22

Hey John,

Nay here! :) I should have waited until Melody replied, just because she always has a much more accurate response. I just couldn’t help myself!

And I didn’t think you were bashing men or women, just got the sense that you felt less in the grand sceme of things, and it just hurt my heart I guess, so I wanted to make sure you knew that you aren’t less. I have no problem being way off in my response to you, and truly hope I didn’t offend you in any way!!!!

You are very articulate, but written words are always interpreted through a readers own feelings, and can obviously be way off. I used to wonder how I sound in my writing, but now, I get so much from expressing myself and interacting with others that I no longer care. It’s almost cathartic.

Cheers!

John December 18, 2012 at 12:52

Hi Nay (what a lovely name , is it short for anything? like Naomi etc)

Nay sweetheart my skin is thicker than a rhino’s , you’d have to try really hard to offend me.

I loved your reply and the fact that you care so much about me to do it from your heart (I’m sorry about upsetting your heart by the way , didn’t intend to honest)

What really pissed me off was the fact that I never noticed the reply was from you and automatically assummed it was from Melody , well I can tell you one thing I’ve learnt the lesson of not being observant enough to note who sends them , from now on it’s check names first.

What part of the World are you in ?

LuvsYa ……. Take care ……. John :)

Nay December 19, 2012 at 04:53

Hey John,

Glad you have thick skin!:) Name is Naleen, from Colorado in the USA. And yep, I always look at the names because it’s so easy to reply in the wrong place and/or to the wrong person!!!

John December 19, 2012 at 10:17

Hi Naleen , thanks for your reply. Colorado hey , I have a sister-in-law in Arizona (but don’t befriend me for that) , tell me (and be honest) do you walk around with a cowboy hat on and a spig of straw hanging out your mouth and saying yo’all have a good day now ya hear – only joking Nay only joking , it’s just something that I do , just imagine it’s like a big zit and eventually it’ll go away.

Yo’all have a good day now ya hear.

Nay December 20, 2012 at 00:16

That’s ‘Ya’ll’ John, Ya’ll have a good day… :D

Very amusing, but I’m too citified for that. ;) What I find funny is, while I have never owned a pair of cowboy boots or hat, my husband, who is from Detroit Michigan, has owned many pairs of cowboy boots!!! (no hats though)

As much as I am in the ‘west’, I still do a double take when I see someone dressed in cowboy boots and hat. It’s not unheard of, just not the norm. What really surprises me is when I see someone who is wearing a gun… 8O

And speaking of hats and such, aren’t you from Down Under???? I keep thinking I read one of your posts where you mentioned that.

See ya, and thanks for the good laugh!

Kat December 13, 2012 at 15:30

John does have a point here, Mel. I think women should be treated no less than a princess but the truth is, a lot of women don’t want that. They don’t even know what that would be like, let alone imagine it. Some have told me that they believe they don’t deserve a nice guy or that the nice guy is way too good for them, even though he is their ideal. I have wondered about this.

Relationships are awesome and you learn so much. Of course, there may be some pain here and there, but when you review what happened, you realize that there was an expiration date or the relationship served its purpose. What I had found us that they got better and better!

Marjorie December 13, 2012 at 17:11

Hi Kat!

I really resonated with your last paragraph. I have recently started looking back at past incidents and relationships in my life and, just like you said, those experiences served their purpose as lessons for us…and mine also have gotten better and better with time.

Thanks!
Marjorie

mopeychild December 13, 2012 at 18:04

Well..I kinda think so too..that even though id ideally want a nice guy who dosent ‘ settle’ for me, that’s not gonna happen I guess. Cuz I freankly don’t think I’m deserving of some nice guy who likes me for who I am at the same time. Infact, if some guy liked me I’m always sure he’s doing that cuz he desperately wants to like someone and I’m the last option he can ‘get’. I want to break out of this pattern, but I don’t know how to.

Kat December 13, 2012 at 18:52

Ahhh! That explains a lot. Really? You should be deserving, you must be deserving for the very best. I am not preaching this to you, though, because that is what it may sound like to you and I’ll fall on deaf ears. I found that out for myself through many, many, many experiences. My inner being would shout it out to me and I would always follow my instinct, proved to be correct.

It is funny. Lately I have been contacted by exes. They are either divorced, realized that hey, I am a catch, or apologized for their abominable behavior. This all felt really good to me because I thought guys would just move on to others and make the best of those situations, no matter how bad. In these cases, it was the woman who left. Anyway, it gave me this warm glow inside that even to the a$$holiest of asses, it dawns on them one day. Thank God!

mopeychild December 14, 2012 at 09:39

well, in my experience, guys DO move on to others and make the ‘best of it’ and never look back. the latest guy that i was so crazy about that i cudve married a few months back now tells me hes in love with someone else and theyre planning on getting hitched next year. i dont know why i bring that up each time i can. i still feel like a loser. hence the feeling that maybe i dont really deserve this stuff.

Alice December 14, 2012 at 10:51

NOOOOOO!

I know what I’m saying, as despite depression, the one thing I’m good at is finding gentlemen!

The secret I have had to finding guys that do all the things John describes, write me poetry, and all sorts of classy things is this-

High Standards!

I simply refuse to date a drop-kick, and I only daydream about romantic guys, and that’s all I get, romantic guys..
So don’t settle for less, if I can do it (trust me I can be messed up too)

you can do it! ***yeah*** you can do it!

seriously did you hear that? Alice gets great guys!!! Alice! That idiot! :-)

Surely that is your evidence right there!

mopeychild December 14, 2012 at 11:09

i guess it all boils down to what we label as doable and not doable. i mean,ive always made having a boyfreind a very big, almost impossible thing for me..even though i see practically half the world in some relationship with each other. need to diffuse the pressure on that one.
thanks for replying, alice ‘ the idiot’ ( !!!!!!)
its cool u get the guys u do :) somehow i feel happy for you, for having experenced that, however fleeting( even though i dont technically ‘know’ you) :)

mopeychild December 14, 2012 at 11:12

also, the last guy i was seeing SAID he would write to me, but then it never happened. i suspected it was cuz i got overly excited in my head and pput out the vibe of ‘ i cant beleive this is happenening to me! what if im not ready’.

@melody, alice, anyone, everyone..what dyu have to say about this..an overly excited vibe repels stuff, right? cuz the subconscious belief behind it is ‘ im not ready for this’

Kat December 14, 2012 at 14:53

Mopey,

You mention here an over-excited vibe. Yes, this was discussed before with Melody. Being overly- excited repels people and situations. Not just romantic ones. Even professional ones and friendships, you name it. The thing is to be chill, calm as a cucumber, yet upbeat. Being upbeat attracts. Being calm attracts. Being too gaga over something repels it from you.

Who cares what the guys say? Most are BS-ing anyway. They say lots of things. People say and do lots of things. Do not take these to heart. “whatev”

You do not “need” a guy, either. Being in a relationship does not sprout from a need. Not really. It is to have fun. That is where it all starts. That is the point of attraction. If you take it as hey, I want to have fun, then the spin is a different one. It is all about you. It is also about your focus so, as it is said here often, focus unflinchingly on what you want.

mopeychild December 14, 2012 at 15:28

Heya..well yeah..I tenmd to repeat some questions , just to make sure I ‘get’ it :) thank you for replying :)

Kat December 14, 2012 at 15:49

Of course. You are most welcome. I tend to do the same. It is important to review this stuff with people so as to “get it” and put it in practice.

Alice December 17, 2012 at 07:55

Yes, Mopey the overly-excited vibe is a hard trap.

I’m confused as someof the things I really focused on and wanted and NEEDED badly came to me really fast! (which is against the LOA/Melody teachings)

I find the need is bad in attracting human-based things (jobs, friends relationships)

But when manifesting a nice place to live and material goods, the need bought those things swiftly to me, like a pro.

Now there are things I really need right now, but that’s where I’m stuck, not because of the need, but the negative need.
e.g. I have a sad feeling around it.

My opinion is you can need things and over-excited is great energy, but don’t combine it with sad feelings or yearning.

I would also ignore any advice if you found that something works despite all rules, go with it! I sure did!

Alice December 17, 2012 at 07:46

Thank you!

The relationships were long enough, from 7 months, to most 1-2 years. I used to think this was a failure, but now I know, I was happy that our time helping each other was up.
Things ended naturally, and on a good note, it was sad, but not terrible or angry.

There was one relationship that only lasted 4 months, but I felt this was a failure, so I avoided dumping him for the rest of the year. I learnt from my mistake as the romance really died out, he became rude and he ended up leaving me.
That taught me at a young age, that once you feel something is over…don’t push it…as I always ended things on a really good note, remained friends, but that one turned ugly, because I tried to put up with something as I was used to being with someone over a year at least. I felt 4 months was “shallow” so I tried harder. I’ve never been into really casual things, and always had the idealistic hope for something as long as possible.
I’m also very loyal and don’t believe in cheating or cheap flings. So that 4 months I guess was a blow to my ego.

The good romances were the ones that I left with grace at the right time, didn’t put an expiry date on and didn’t force anything.
I’m sure things would have gone pear shaped if either one of us hung around past that point.

Now I am with someone long term for the last four-five years, and things have only started getting into the Jekyll-Hyde status between the both of us because we are both moving out of depression.
They are a very good person, and to be honest they were always the Jekyll and Hyde type, a passionate person with various moods.

I’ve also had unrequited love, both given and recieved…that’s a different thing as I’m not sure how that situation happened!
Especially recieved…why would I attract someone I didn’t want? Maybe because at that time I was attracting situation to mirror my guilt/depression, and rejecting someone is a horrible thing to do. It’s certainly not fun for me, as I hate to hurt someones’ feelings!

Now I know some women out there would love that attention, but I just don’t see the point in boosting your ego with someone elses heart.

**********
What you said about things being a “big deal” is a good point, as other things in my life are a big deal, so I understand that because it’s hard not to want thopse things so much, as it’s things I really need.

It’s near impossible for me to make those things into a small deal, because at my core there are some things I genuinely need, so I understand that struggle to relax around your wants.

***It’s like asking a homeless man to stop “needing” a house, it’s going to be tough!
I’m not sure how he’d do that. :-)

Mopey, maybe we could try whistling to trick the universe that we are casual?
;)

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 15:37

Hey Kat,

Yep, a lot of women won’t let the nice guys be nice to them. Word to the nice guys: those women are not ready for you. Don’t try to babysit them through the process. You can’t possibly know how long it will take and it’s not necessary or helpful. You get to align with the women who are ALREADY ready for you.

I had quite a few years there where I had trouble attracting kindness. And when I did, I didn’t recognize it. So, every guy got treated like an asshole, until I realized one day that not all men were like that. I’m sure that I dismissed a few nice guys as assholes as well. I was never mean or crazy about it (at least I don’t think. I may have been a touch crazy… Not reality TV crazy, though!), I just wouldn’t let them in. Until I shifted my vibration. And suddenly, there were nice, kind, sexy guys everywhere. And no assholes to be found. I still hear about them, but I no longer meet them.

Fortunately, of course, there are nice guys who are a match to the drama, so the girls who can’t handle kindness have someone to mirror that back to them. There’s nothing quite like realizing that you just flipped out on someone who didn’t actually do anything to provoke it. It makes you own your crazy, and that’s the first step to self-awareness. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody
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Mary Carol Moran December 13, 2012 at 16:43

Hi Melody,

Thanks for an interesting post. You’ve got me thinking through a couple of past relationships, for the millionth time! I’ve never really attracted a douchebag, so that’s good. What I have done is either attracted my mother, or turned men into my mother over time – critical and not supportive emotionally. I think in hindsight that I elicited more and more of the behavior that I expected, rather than the behavior I really wanted. Hmmm…

Thanks again! Another sandbag to drop off the airship! Hugs,

Mary Carol
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Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 15:38

Hey Mary Carol,

Yep, we get what we expect, whether we know it or not. I had to laugh. I can just see you yelling at some dude: “You’re just like my mother!” What could he possibly come back with on that? Ha, ha.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Alice December 17, 2012 at 08:04

Also I knew someone who had a mum that didn’t love them and they attracted women, and look-a-likes..
so that would be more scary!

It made me wonder if she was a true lesbian, or someone missing their mum? You never know.

Melody Fletcher January 6, 2013 at 01:28

I hope, for their sake, that they were lesbian.

Marjorie December 13, 2012 at 17:23

(re-posting my comment cuz I responded in the wrong spot)
Hi Melody!

This is all starting to make more and more sense for me, THANK YOU! I needed a little bit of clarification. When you say, “But remember, the way to change your vibe is not to focus on their doucheyness, or their behavior (or yours!), but rather to be honest about HOW YOU TRULY FEEL and then do whatever you can to feel better. If you can do that, Mr. Douche may turn into Prince Charming”…you say to be honest about how I truly feel…feel about what? why he’s acting like a douche or whether I’m dealing with some type of resistance that has nothing to do with him? Cuz you said we weren’t responsible for the douche’s actions, so I’m a tad confused.

xoxo,
Marjorie

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 15:45

Hey Marjorie,

Be honest with how you are experiencing his doucheyness.

So, let’s say that he forgot your birthday. And now you feel horrible. Well, what exactly are you feeling? Sure, you could stick with “I feel mad because he’s a douche”, but that’s not really true and it doesn’t help anything. You feel bad because his forgetting your birthday has triggered something in you. Ok, you’re mad. Fair enough. What else? What do you feel specifically (this does require a degree of emotional self-awareness).

If you get into the feeling, do any memories come up of incidents that feel just like that? If you see more than one event, chances are, you’ll be able to draw some parallels and see a pattern. For example, you may remember that your dad also forgot your birthday when you were 5, and you were devastated. You concluded that he forgot your birthday because he didn’t love you enough and that if you were better somehow, he would’ve thrown you a party. You internalized it. And so, your boyfriend just mirrored and triggered that same, awful feeling, the belief that you aren’t good enough. That’s what you’d be truly feeling, if you were honest.

His reasons for forgetting your birthday are kind of irrelevant, since you manifested that behavior for a good reason. But it can help to know why he really forgot, since it won’t match your latent belief and could therefore help to dissipate it. If you find out, for example, that he forgot because he’s been really stressed about losing his job, or because he’s been stressed about asking you to marry him, you may feel differently about the whole thing.

Being honest means figuring out what you’re really feeling and why, from YOUR perspective.

Did that help?

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Christina December 13, 2012 at 18:32

Okay, so it’s about me and how I’m feeling. So if I’m feeling angry and annoyed because of my husband’s and son’s actions (or inactions) and they’re not reacting / doing something the way I feel it should be done, what is that saying about myself?

Sometimes I think I do too much for my husband and son. They’ve gotten where they ask me all sorts of things and expect me to know the answer. I’m expected to call up addresses and phone numbers and dates of employment and people’s names immediately. I want my husband to get a new job and my son SAYS he wants a new job so I apply for jobs FOR them because they’re tired, not feeling well, working at the current job, son’s hanging out at the girlfriend’s house, etc. Hey, I’m home, I have time, it’s what I want them to do, right? So why do I feel taken advantage of?

So if I point them in the right direction, support them as best as I’m able, but keep my vibration high and not sink into the poor-pitiful-me-I-can’t-find-a-better-job mindset, then eventually they will rise too? How much help is too much? Printing an application for them from work since we don’t have a printer at home? Letting them know about a lead I found in the paper? I’m really discouraged because I want a partner, someone who can do things on his own without calling me first, and that’s what he was when he first came back. I know he can do this stuff. But now I feel we’re starting to drift back into the way things were and the whole you’re-better-at-this-stuff-than-me type of thing.

And now I see I’m attracting other people around me who expect me to do things even when detailed instructions (with screenshots!) are included. You’re just so much better, you’re just so much faster, I just don’t understand how to do this. Or people at work – I don’t have this paperwork, I need more, and when I go to their office with paperwork I KNOW I put on their desk there it is, right in front of them.

Okay, so some stuff is coming out. Obviously I feel taken advantage of in more ways than one, and it’s up to me to change that.
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Nay December 15, 2012 at 10:38

Wow Christina!

What you said could be my post!!! I’ve had some of the exact same issues, and yes, it drives me crazy. The helpless, lazy ones, who just sit and allow those around them to do everything. And when asked to help, there is always a reason they can’t, or it’s a fight… And then that sense of, if I don’t do it, I know it won’t get done, and when I do stop ‘doing,’ things don’t get done. At home it’s not as bad, but there are family members where this is a huge issue during gatherings. And I’m not the only one who sees it or is tired of it. And to make it worse, there’s another person who is the one who gets the brunt of the weight if nobody else steps in and helps out. So there’s the guilt of, if we don’t help out, this person will end up doing it all!!!

And I’m like you, trying to figure out how to find a better way to look at it, and to stop ‘doing’ and letting whatever happens happen without letting it bother me. But it’s very hard not to notice it, and ignoring it doesn’t work either. And leaving the other person to just handle it feels horrible. Haven’t figured out what this is dragging out of me, but it’s recently become a huge annoyance! :) I know in some ways it’s that I feel taken advantage of, and that this person is being taken advantage of. I think the biggest thing is wondering how someone can be that lazy, and think it’s ok?! So there’s anger, frustration, confusion, feeling used, and the fear that if I don’t handle it, it will get worse for me and someone else. And sometimes I so just want to sit back and do absolutely nothing, get everyone else to do the same, and and see what would happen.

And I really question why it’s so hard to just NOT DO IT! For work, I had some of the same issue, but it was fear that kept me doing and doing and doing while there. If I don’t, the job is in jeapardy type fear. I’m not dealing with that anymore, but the issue is obviously still with me. (And seeing this is what really proves to me that all issues are OUR issues, not outside of us, because the bastards follow us around!)

I’m still working on it, so I’ll add to this if I have any epiphanies!

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 15:54

Dear Christina and Nay,

The pair of you are training all of those around you to depend on you. You literally stop them from doing it for themselves so you can do it for them. You think you’re helping, but it’s the equivalent of ripping the tools out their hands and saying “Here, let me. I’ll do it better”. It’s kind of condescending, really (and I mean that with love). And of course, after a while, it seems that you have to do everything, and then you resent it.

The people around you can take care of themselves. If they don’t, they don’t. It’s not your job to pick up their slack. If they actually ask you for help (I don’t mean by not doing something, I mean by actually asking), you can decide to help them, IF that feels good to you. If it doesn’t, you’re not really helping. You’re enabling their resistance. Do what feels really good. And don’t do what doesn’t feel good.

Resentment comes from doing things you don’t really want to do. If you help from a place of inspiration, you will not be resentful. If you’re resentful, you’re doing way too much. You’re trying to do the Universe’s job. Don’t apply for jobs on behalf of your son or husband, Christine. You clearly don’t want to. Don’t do things you think you have to do. If you stop being everyone’s safety net, they will stop depending on you. They will find another way. They will take care of themselves. They will not starve or freeze to death. And then, you can make yourself available to help when it feels good and let LOA bring you those who are ready for your help. Let it feel good to help, not like an obligation.

If you think “this person clearly needs my help”, stop and walk away (unless they’re bleeding or something.” How do you feel when someone just comes and helps you with something you haven’t asked for assistance with? Usually, you don’t like it very much. But if they really insist, you let them… Sometimes you may be struggling with something, but you kind of like figuring it out for yourself. The fun is in the struggle in the figuring it out. Oh and just because you have trouble asking for help when you actually need it, doesn’t mean that they do.

I should probably make this a blog post…

Signed, former but reformed pusher of help onto everyone whether they wanted it or not, :)

Melody
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Nay December 16, 2012 at 23:47

Melody and Christine,

Have to tell this story. I’ve been working on this helping, and dealing with the lazy. Now first, my husband is not lazy. He does as much as I do, but I also find that if I do what needs to be done, (needing being all in my mind of course) my husband and others will ‘let’ me do it all. Obviously, this is just what I think, but it is a frustartion.

So here’s a simple thing, but obviously a hint to me. I am the one who gets up later, because I like my sleep ya’ll. But for the longest time, I would get up, make the bed, then go on about the day. Sometimes I didn’t make the bed. And of course, I noticed if I didn’t make it, my husband didn’t either. Since I realized it was frustrating me, I poked at it, as Melody has advised. ;) Since it frustrated me, and was such a simple thing, I wanted to see what I could bring up. I started only making my side of the bed, or not making it at all. Yes, it was petty, and I felt very petty, but I’m damned tired of being frustrated and doing things only because I think I should, and really not wanting to!

Well a couple days ago, he seemed a little pissed off, and I had not a clue why. Then he just flat out said it. ‘Why don’t you make my side of the bed anymore? Are you trying to say something to me? Do you think I don’t do enough?’ He wasn’t mean, just very frustrated. So I told him that I feel like if I do all the things I think need to be done around the house, I would end up doing it all, and it frustrated me. So instead of getting frustrated, I just don’t do the things I don’t feel like doing.

Needless to say, he didn’t really like the answer, but I got a lot out of it. He was upset because I stopped doing what he thought I should do. But that is what I expected to happen! I just knew that he wouldn’t like it! And as soon as I said it, I felt it, I felt the fear that others would be upset if I didn’t ‘do’ the expected!

So as simple as it is, I have found one of my fears! I’m sure it’s not the end of this, but I can see it so clearly now. I’m afraid that if I don’t do everything like I used to or always have, others will be mad at me, or not like it. (God forbid!) I’ve known that I have a lot of angst about being liked or wanting to be the ‘good girl, but that it was here too was a bit of a surprise. So the frustration was, I was doing to ensure I didn’t rock the boat, or to meet the expectations of others. And I always felt like it was a must, not something I did because I wanted to.

It’s very hard for me to accept that ‘I don’t have to do anything’ that I don’t want to. And this fear tells me why it is so hard for me. So what I’m guessing is, when I don’t give a rip what others think about what I do or don’t do, things will get way better!

Cheers!

Christina December 17, 2012 at 22:43

Nay, this is it exactly! If I don’t do what I feel I’m expected to do then others will be mad at me. I’m not sure where that belief originated, probably my childhood. My husband and I were discussing this yesterday in a way, about him being a middle child and wanting attention and me being an oldest child and always feeling so much responsibility.

So I’m going to do what makes me feel good. If I’m looking in the paper and see a job I think they’ll be interested in, if it makes me feel good to share the information I’ll share. Then the follow-up is up to them. I have my own work – day job and writing in the evenings – and I really don’t have the time to do all of this anyway. When they are ready to make a change, then THEY will make the move to make the change.
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Alice December 17, 2012 at 08:24

Hi Christina,

Wow! This is kinda related to the dynamic with my man, and some fiery family members and myself.

My health is not the best, so I’m really sloooow. He is impatient, so I’ll try to do it myself, but he’ll get frustrated, push me out of the way and do it!

Then I sit down and don’t do stuff, he calls me lazy. So I attempt to do stuff, but he goes crazy over my slow, plodding pace..”Oh forget it, I’ll do it!”

I just had to say, if they want me to pull my weight, and do things myself, they have to be prepared to wait, because I’m not making myself worse by pushing myself.
I’ll do it slowly, when I can, how I can.

But he is a doer, everything has to be done RIGHT NOW!

They see it as laziness, I see them as impatient.

Sometimes the “lazy” person just has a different pace, and at no time did I ask him to do stuff for me, but it just gets to him, it must be done, so he will anyway.

In your case they are literally asking you to do stuff, well I also ask for certain things I honestly don’t know how to do.
In some ways it’s a compliment, as I do ask him because I feel he is smarter than me on many things, that’s no laziness, but genuine belief the other person is better than you.

When I can I do it myself, but again, he jumps in, or says I didn’t do it 100% right, so he may as well do it as my ego gets battered from all the “mistakes”
Then they wonder why I don’t do stuff, because they complain that it isn’t “done right”
So I tend to back off, self-esteem drops and just give up on certain actions.

I have always applied for my own jobs, because no-one really knows exactly what you want.

Also he often does things for me becauise he wants to and enjoys it, so it’s hard to draw the line.
Melody response was perfect, because the more you do things the less they feel capable.

Melody Fletcher December 17, 2012 at 17:08

Awesome comment Alice. You made my point so much better than I could. :)

Iris December 13, 2012 at 18:36

Hello, Melody, I was the one who asked you this question, so I want to thank you for making this post.It is so awesome that you took the time to do so. As I read it, I got some clarity… I realized that I knew from the beggining that my partner was unstable and unavailable but for some reason I thought I could be Mrs. wonder woman and love him enough to make him see my value. Never happened! I also noticed how everything was ok between us as long as I would follow his commands ( he was very controlling and negative in a way) at the minute that I would try to feel better about myself or do things to feel better i.e. things like going to the movies or other places with my brother that did not involve him in it, he would get mad and completely withdraw and ignore me for weeks! all of this always ended up making me feel guilty. It was a 3 year relationship and I felt emotionally exhausted. When I wouldbe there for him, he would be distant and then when I wasnt he would beg for attention.At the end as I began learning about LAO I was trying to do my best to raise my vibration to see if things will change ( despite all, I loved him a lot and felt a strong connection, dont know why or how!!) but as I raised my vibration he became more distant and I decided to just walk away for good.I still had some guilty feelings over my decision because I kept thinking maybe things would have been different or gotten better. But reading your answer gave me a better perspective.Thanks

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 17:27

Hey Iris,

You’re so very welcome! It was an awesome question and obviously something that needed to be written for not just you, but loads of others. Plus, it gave me the opportunity to totally overuse the word douchebag, which is always a bonus. Ha.

I’m so glad the answer was helpful.

Huge hugs!!

Melody
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Laura December 13, 2012 at 18:51

LOL and OMG!
The word douchebag has been my new favorite word for about a year or so. This post served a couple purposes…one of laughter and the other of some relief/better understanding.

Thank you Awesome Dudette for asking this question!!! And thank you Melo for answering!!! It was the very same question I’d been trying to ask but just couldn’t get it out into words.

I’m breathing easier every day as things make more sense.

I’m also sending this link on to a friend of mine I think will enjoy it and maybe even get something from it.

Hugs,
Laura

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 17:28

Yay Laura! You had me at douchebag. Ha.

And you’re welcome. Always. :)

Huge hugs!!
Melody
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Alice December 17, 2012 at 08:27

Have you heard douche canoe? That makes me laugh. :-)

Kat December 13, 2012 at 19:07

Hey all,

Even Swami says not to settle for anything less, but also not to wallow in self pity, for it is just as bad. The universe supports us in our desires and to attain them, but we must not lower oursleves in any fashion. Instead believe and have faith.

This was today’s saying.

Over and out.

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 17:29

Perfectly stated Kat! :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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hope December 13, 2012 at 23:55

So, what if after we have dealt and raised our vibration, the person acting out our beliefs does not leave our reality or change the behavior? is that when we say “peace, see you later” ?

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 17:32

Hey Hope,

They may not physically leave, but it will become apparent to you that you should leave. And it will be a much easier choice for you than it once would’ve been. When you release the resistance as you raise your vibration, you have less obstacles. There’s less fear of being alone, less guilt. Does it all go away completely? It can, but often, you may find that you’re ready to take action even with a bit of resistance remaining. So, you’re still a bit nervous or angry or feeling guilty or whatever, but you walk away and then heal the rest of the way. Sometimes, it’s been apparent that it wasn’t going to work out for a long time, and you start to see it. Often, though, the other person just leaves.

Huge hugs,

Melody

Nay December 14, 2012 at 01:58

Melody and All,

It can be a rough ride in a relationship, and it doesn’t have to be just the romantic ones. Friends and family can be just as douchy.

But I can really see this mirror thing with my own marriage. How I feel about myself is so often perfectly reflected by my husband. I have had many self doubts, and they were much worse when we first met!!! And though he treated me great considering how I felt about me, he could also make comments that would stab me right through the heart in some areas that I was afraid of.

A very, very simple example. The blonds are dingy thing. I was ;) blonde, and had been accused of being dingy. I so didn’t want to be dingy, but really feared that I could be. And low and behold, I would do something and my husband would say, ‘That was dingy.’ Set me right off because I didn’t want anyone to see me that we, and fought to not appear dingy, in any way!!! I was on guard about it, but it kept happening! For about three years. And the more I got upset, the more it happened outside of our relationship, with other people.

But as that time went on, I started getting sick of the feeling. I started realizing I wasn’t dingy, that there was no way I was a dingbat. Yeah, I did goofy things at times, just like anyone else, but I was far from a dingbat who didn’t have a clue. And once this really sank in, I don’t think my husband ever called me a dingbat again! Nobody else has either. But because I don’t think it anymore, even if he did say it, I wouldn’t hear it or it just has no effect on me! It’s just not my reality.

So he reflected my thoughts about myself right back at me. From I’m so afraid I’m dingy to knowing that I’m not. Nothing changed until I changed how I felt about myself.

Not that I’ve really got the fix down. I have people around me who drive me CRAZY! And I haven’t quite figured out how to feel better about the situations long enough to not see or experience the situation. But I do KNOW it’s about me and how I feel, whether about myself or the situation.

Now to just implement it in some crucial areas!!!!

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 17:36

Hey Nay,

Thanks for sharing your awesome experience!! I’ve had a few like that – people driving me crazy and bringing out the worst in me until I found what they were triggering and shifted it. And BAM. Their behaviour changed drastically overnight. We can blame them all we like, but that doesn’t work. Ever. It gets more fun when you realize that you can make changes successfully, though. Well, most of the time, lol.

Huge hugs,

Melody

Alice December 17, 2012 at 09:01

Hey Melody, I just commented at the end, I really think I hit on something about playing a ying-yang space filler, because reading all these conversations, I have been all the people!
I never realized how much of a cameleon I was!

Noelle smith December 14, 2012 at 04:24

Melody you’re amazing! Sometimes I feel like you can read our minds!! This post has really helped.

Xx

mopeychild December 14, 2012 at 09:41

a big fat yes to the ‘ you can read our minds’ !! :)

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 17:37

LOL. Thanks Noelle! I don’t read your minds, but I can feel which questions (or rather, answers) are being requested the most and which ones y’all are ready for. So, it can seem like the timing is perfect, because, well, it is. Ha.

Huge hugs!!

Melody

mopeychild December 14, 2012 at 09:35

‘A great many women would rather focus on how they can change their behavior’..see ! i get confused when u say stuff like that!
when i was younger i had problems with freinds now and then, and my mom told me that to get people to like me id have to change. the thing is, after i changed, the freinds STILL felt i wasnt god enuf and went away anyway. same things happeend to me with the guys ive dated. and i did it, and i still feel like im not enough. like what more do i STILL need to change thats bugging someone else types. ugh.

John December 14, 2012 at 12:42

Hi again Mopeychild – sounds very much like you have the same problem I had , always thinking I’d have to change myself just to make others happy – personally I used to do it because I had a this fear of being alone but know after a lot of soul searching I’m quite happy being myself , the only person I want to make happy now is me , if there’s something about me I don’t like I’ll do everything I can to change it , but because of the fear I had of being alone I used to make myself quite miserable and mentally sick (depressed) now I look at it this way , I am happy with myself (even to the point that I now occasionally get people saying “what are you so damn happy about” only because they can’t understand why anyone should be happy) , I always try to be a gentleman where ladies are concerned (hey don’t get me wrong , I’m not a bloody saint or anything , I can still swear and curse with the best of them if I chose to – chose to being the optimum word) I always try to maintain a positive outlook on things , my favorite movies (now hold onto your hats girls because most women after I tell them this say “you’re not a queer are you?” – which I usually answer with “no way , think of the opposite and hold onto your panties cause I’m dangerous” , anyway why do you think I’d be a queer just because I like watching”) 50 First dates and The Lady in Red – I also like all of the die hard movies and other action movies as well , I watch what I like to watch not to please others but to please me.

Personally I think the information your Mum gave you was wrong but don’t forget your Mum was brought up in the era when most women were told they had to learn how to make their husbands happy don’t worry if you’re not happy just make sure you keep your husband happy.

And as far as your friends were concerned , they weren’t true friends , a true friend will like you no matter what you’re like (even with all your faults , true friends look beyond any faults) And as far as the guys go , consider it this way , you are one lucky gal because you could have ended up with a real douchebag now you are free to allow prince charming to get a foot in on the your action.

You sound like a wonderful person to me , someone who has a good kind heart but unfortunately someone who has been led up the garden path by other people’s beliefs and not your own – I know it’s hard to change (bloody hell don’t I know , I lived for years on other peoples beliefs) but you need to sit down and decide what it is you want out of your life and as nice , as I’m sure you can be , tell everyone else to take their beliefs and to go screw themselves(nicely know) , formulate your own beliefs and go for it kiddo cause you deserve it.

This is my theme song guanteed(ok so I can’t spell – so sue me) to bring a big smile to your face and as everyone knows you can’t smile and be depressed at the same time , watch it – laugh and smile because your situation is not as bad as theirs.
http://youtu.be/SJUhlRoBL8M

Kat December 14, 2012 at 23:46

I agree with John, Mopey.

And John, I’ve seen the movie and the theater version and it was hilarious! Mony Python- always makes me laugh!

Kat December 14, 2012 at 23:51

Your mom is speaking from a skewed perpsective, Mopey. My mom does the same. I ignore her because she does not even know who I am, nor who she is for that matter, from the way she grew up. At that time, they were told to be someone else to accommodate everyone around them. I know it is hard to ignore her, but the more yourself you are, the more you mesh with who you really are, then you will be more left alone (your mom won’t ever stop preaching, but it won’t effect you) and the guys will be surrounding you.

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 17:45

Hey Mopey,

I totally agree with John and Kat. Most people think that the way to get others to like you is to change yourself into whatever they want. But that doesn’t every work and just makes you miserable. Don’t worry about what they think. Love yourself and like yourself and you’ll attract those who will also like and love you for who you are.

Like all the wonderful folks who love interacting with you here! Didn’t see that coming, did you? ;)

Huge hugs!!
Melody

Fonzy Montenegro December 14, 2012 at 12:53

Agree Melody. It’s like what Abraham said, “The only relationship to focus upon is between you and YOU.”

Cheers,
Fonzy
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Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 17:45

Exactly Fonzy! :)

Huge hugs,

Melody

Kat December 14, 2012 at 21:04

Melody and Everybody,

We’ve discussed bullying being a product of feeling powerless and annoyance as the feeling when a vibe is of a different frequency. How about hatred?

Not that we should delve into this, but understanding why it exists is important because the haters suffer more than those hated, even though the haters do not realize this. The same with gossip. Those gossiped about are in a better place vibrationally than those partaking in the gossip.

So, to hate means you are do not understand another or are jealous which stems from the notion of lack which stems from being pinched off source energy? If you are okay with yourself and one with source energy and in love with life, you would not feel hatred. But what do haters feel exactly and where are they coming from?

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 17:49

Hey Kat,

Great question!! I think hatred is what we feel when we feel really powerless, so we really, really don’t like something and don’t think we can do something about it and are blaming someone for it. It’s a form of anger, really and because of that, it’s better than depression or self blame. But, I think that hatred comes from stuck anger and blame. When we don’t move beyond that stage of blame, it just builds and builds and becomes hatred. And yes, I agree, the hater suffers much more than the hated.

Huge hugs!!
Melody

Roxanne December 15, 2012 at 22:45

Hey Snarky Puppy?

You forgot “Douchewaffles,” and “Douche-baggetry” and “Douche-Craft”(For our more Wiccan and Pagan type folks), “Egochrist Douchey-Star”, and my personal favorite…totally applies to this blog post … lol …”That’s MISTER Massengil to YOU!”

Just wanted to add to your already very impressive “douche” vocabulary lol

Loadsa Love!!
The Rabid Feral Kitten
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Melody Fletcher December 17, 2012 at 21:41

Ahahahaha. Mr. Massengil! I love it!!!

Thanks Feral Kitten.

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Alice December 17, 2012 at 08:44

Hi Melody,

I was wondering what happens if a messy or relatively slack cleaner lives with a neat and organized person?

I used to live with a neat-freak housemate who did an abnormal amount of cleaning, not just very neat, but neat in the sense she was obsessed, washed windows, moped DAILY, bleached bathroom maybe twice a week, vacuumed DAILY, washed dishes after every single meal instead of once a day… Washed the windows, and if you washed your clothes and forgot to hang them out instantly, she’d throw them on the floor, instaed of just dumping it in a basket..so you’d have to re-wash everything.

Also she made the house feel chemical with so many sprays and antiseptic stuff sprayed over everything, like a hospital..it gave me a headache…
I found that stressful….

I felt it unfair, as when you live with these people, they call you “lazy” but I should have to keep up with that level of neaurosis.
If I were alone I wouldn’t do it, so I won’t do it for them, in fact I seemed to become very messy over time like some subconscious rebellion, I went from normal clean, to just barely doing anything.
The more she pushed, the more my resistance came out.

What is fair?

If you wouldn’t do it when alone, why should you do it for the neat person?

Also neat people assume you don’t do it to let them do it, but as I said, even if they weren’t there I still wouldn’t be “forced” into doing it, as it doesn’t bother me.

I just feel that is stressful, as the “messy” person always looks bad, because you can never keep up with them and their energy levels.

I’ve also been with truly messy people, not Alice messy, but gross messy, like leaving food laying about..which was too bad even for me…
so I think basic cleaning is a must, but leaving some dishes or a few things isn’t a big deal.
I found the gross-messy almost as stressful as neat-freak because it’s unsanitary…but nothing beats the neat-freak.

What are your thoughts Melody?

Melody Fletcher December 17, 2012 at 21:49

Hey there,

Well, the key here is to do what you would normally do, but also to FEEL the way you would normally feel. As you stated, the more you pushed, the worse it got (that’s a perfect definition of how resistance works). But, I’ll bet that as you stopped cleaning, you still felt off about it. You didn’t make peace with the fact that she just liked cleaning more than you do. It’s like when I’m relaxing at my mom’s house and she gets up and cleans something. Suddenly, I feel like I should be doing something too. I used to tell her to sit down, so that I could relax in peace, but that’s really kind of ridiculous. Why should she change so that I can give myself permission to relax? I had to work that out for myself and understand that this person is doing what they’re doing by choice. I have not forced them into it. So I don’t have to feel guilty, even if they think I should.

As far as the passive aggressive behavior, I’d confront it head on, but not in a nasty, defensive way. I’d ask her why she threw my clothes on the floor (calmly, like I don’t know and I assume she had a good reason). I’d point out that it was a rather drasitc and disrespectful way of communicating. I’d try to get her to see that no damage was done by me not taking my clothes out of the washer that second. Or, alternatively, point out that if her hatred of me was so great that she felt compelled to throw my clothes on the floor rather than just talk to me, that perhaps we shouldn’t be living together (in other words, point out what gross overreaction it was). But never, ever in a defensive, yelling or nasty way. That doesn’t work and only escalates the issue. If you give people the benefit of the doubt, you allow them to actually think about why they acted the way they did. Of course, in order to do that, you have to clean up whatever your resistance was first. :)

It’s simple, really. But it’s not always easy…

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Alice December 18, 2012 at 02:13

Well we did hate each other more and more over time…I never picked her as a tenant, it was a house, and the rooms were leased out, with the condition of shared living spaces…I was broke, so I was put in with a motley crew of whoever they rented it to.

I would handle things slightly better these days, but I still think those people are a nightmare and rather not have in my reality full stop.

I would relax, I don’t need permission, but the comments of “lazy” are a pain. :-)

Alice December 17, 2012 at 08:52

A separate question, is that I seem to be a ying-yang space-filler, because will more aggressive or sad people, I’ll turn into the bouncy, punching bag, cheer-them -up.

But around the punching-bag type or the happier person, I’ll play the role as aggressor or person in need of cheering.

I also do this with introverts, I am one, but faced with another introvert, I’ll get louder, and try to get them out of their shell, and talk more and just talk more than them.

Faced with an extrovert, I’ll calm right down and play the introvert.

Melody Fletcher December 17, 2012 at 21:53

Different people trigger different things with you. You have a strong desire to help, so when you see the chance to, you do. If you don’t see that chance, you allow your own vulnerabilities to show. So, when someone seems like they need cheering up, your desire to help gets triggered and you play the clown or happy person. When you meet someone who seems strong and solid, it can even intimidate you a bit. Are you trying to find your role? It sounds like you allow others to determine how you see yourself. You play whatever role seems to fit into theirs, instead of just figuring out who you are and who you want to be and sticking with that…

Different people will always bring out different sides of us, but if the differences are that extreme, you may not be being authentic, but rather putting on different masks to match their personality, all the while denying who you really are.

Huge hugs,

Melody

Alice December 18, 2012 at 02:39

Bingo!

I do that on this blog to an extent! We are getting quite a few solid people, and I feel the need to play the questioner, air my dirty laundry and get the needy going on.

In some cases I feel embarrassment after, because I’m sure of sense of humour doesn’t communicate well with everyone, so I’m sure I’m your blogs’ token nutter, and I do feel a little trapped by that lately, but for some reason kept going with it.

Now I understand, how useful to do this in cyberspace, rather than in the flesh.

I am honestly not sure who I really am, because I often feel good when cheering people up, and sometimes, very slightly a flush of pride for sacrificing or being a punching bag…IF there are witnesses.
Otherwise it’s isolating and intimidating, and things can get out of hand, where I am in a bully situation.

I occasionally like being the clown, it can be fun, but often I feel a sense of shame, like “you’re really not that silly, nor incompetent you know, you are just as wise, if not more than the average person, contain bucket loads of knowledge AND you are articulate, yet you dumb this down…why?”

I don’t know, because feeling arrogant is a worse feeling than being the clown? The nutter?
Because I don’t want to show others up, and get into a fight, or have them jealous of me, like has happened in past, which creates more bullies that love to tear me down, because frankly I was good-looking, smart and know what I’m doing—that’s going to piss some people off. Better pull my head in!

It’s become such a habit, that it is my nature.

I’ve had situations where I outshone the teacher, the model, the “expert” and that didn’t feel good, because they HATE that.
Way to piss someone off, by outshining them!—such a huge sense of guilt around doing better than others!
Even online, I could come up here sometimes and make a witty comment, but it feels like, no, that’s some smart persons’ job, not mine, how dare I! ;-)

So I’m very melded into this neurotic thing I am now, but my true self…I don’t know who she is or what she does, you’d have to ask her.

Thank you for another brilliant reply, the gratitude is immense.

Little Leaf January 5, 2013 at 15:24

What about half cheaters?

People that have phones full of exes, people they find attractive, people that they have affairs with, because they fancy them, but don’t actually sleep with others, people that send flirty texts, people that do everything bar sleeping with the person or having an emotional effair.

They take normal flirting too far, because keeping the number and email is a bit much.

Or people you see in friends with benefits realtionships that cheat, or something where they are not formally together, but it was made clear there should be loyalty…what is that?

I see that type of thing in relationship forums, and my word for it was “half-cheaters” so what are they?

Melody Fletcher January 6, 2013 at 01:27

There’s no simple answer to this. If someone half cheats or cheats and it causes pain all around, it’s always due to a deeper underlying cause. Always. And both parties attracted their part of the experience. But the causes are infinite and it’s never really simple.

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Constantyn March 6, 2013 at 07:15

Alright, I am very new to learning about LOA (though as I am absorbing it a great deal of it seems a bit no-brainier to my brain). I am going through a big upheaval and dealing with an affair in a 15 year marriage. It involved a lot more than the usual secrets, there was a two week disappearance act that caused a tremendous amount of grief for myself and the children included, which was a real core shaking low in my life (and I have had my share of human tragedies but always came out brushing the dust off with my head held high). This relationship lacked a lot of communication, to the point of emotional neglect/stonewalling. There was always a lot of lying on his part (and I am a hardcore truth teller). So on, and so on, *insert personal relationship bad news here*. Now that the truth is out and shaking its nakedness, he actually changed, BIG TIME, (citing fear of loosing me, ironically) and for the past 10 weeks has been a Prince Charming, much to my great mind blowing astonishment.

In my past once things got bad I’d end that relationship and go (boredom, wrong “fit” mentally/emotionally, or just due to the guy revealing he was a serious jerkface) but I tried for years to make this one work with a lot of different attempts (including being patient and letting things run its course).
I eventually realized the issues were his own struggle and not mine to mend because it turns out the whole time he was suffering from immense feelings of inadequacy and dealing with major depression (but so internal he hid it well) and really nothing I would do would change him since he really didn’t want to change. Then he hit a serious low, went through a major battle of powerlessness, que affair opportunity and badda bing badda bang.

I am now trying to understand why this all occurred in my life (as in what I have to learn from this). I have had a difficult childhood, and I was abused mentally and physically, but even as a child I was very happy inside and aware the (adopted) people being so cruel to me were doing it of their own accord and not because I was bad. In fact I have always carried such beliefs. I never had low self esteem or thought I deserved anything less than a magnificent life. I wake up happy every day, or did for 38 years until the affair a couple months ago. I always believe in myself, don’t judge people, believe we are all amazing capable equal beings (never thought men were douchebags in general), am generous and loving, LOVE my emotions (even the “bad” ones), and pretty much felt aware and attuned since the get go… and the more I read of LOA the more I want to know what my lesson is here so I can get it.

I’m simply not seeing it, and usually I see “it” long before anyone else does. I have always considered myself highly intuitive, out of this world creative, strongly aware of connections, and able to look at any situation with countless possibilities, but this eludes me. Maybe it is mind glaringly obvious and I’m too blindsided to understand?
I just don’t get why I attracted this in my life. This affair shattered my heart, after everything I have been through this was the worst (raped, humiliated, bullied for years, car-jacked, even abused as an infant in weird religious rituals, but I just keep on happily kicking once I get through the after-hurt and get that anger out, which looking back never took long at all). But this rocked my world in a bad way. I’ve got all kinds of whirling thought possibilities (not all the time, often I’m quietly numb too) about what I am learning from this and consciously… *shrugs* none of it adds up. How can I not be getting something so ginormous (which is a serious shame not to)?

Bewildered,
Constantyn

Solace September 16, 2013 at 21:43

Hey there,
I know it has been a long time since you posted this but i would like to offer some words of hope and my two cents of opinion.
The only thing which makes sense when nothing does is to focus on feeling really good and keep doing it without looking for answers, solutions and reasons….i think they eventually become clearer as time passes.For them to manifest..please let go of your attachment to them and allow yourself to experience sheer bliss of visualizing something you want and daydreaming how it would feel when you have it…hope this helps.

Renee December 2, 2013 at 18:55

Thank you for this Melody!! I needed something like this! The last few guys i’ve been with have been awesome caring guys at first and then as i started hanging out with them more and more…well lets say i can’t help feeling pissed off when i think of them! I always attract the alcoholics who act like they care about me when we are by ourselves but when we are out in public and other girls are around “Holy shes gorgeous!” or “Nice rack on that one” Or “OMG youre so lucky to have her!” to the boyfriend of a girl when hanging out with a couple somewhere and the guy i am with is checking HER out! Really makes the confidence go DOOOOWN. This happened two weeks ago for one girl and two days ago for another girl. But the worst of it is back in 2004 when the guy I was with brought home another girl and went “wild” with her while i am staying there! Don’t get me wrong I do love my drinks once in awhile but I do it for fun and never even look at other guys when i am seeing someone! I went to a bar with girl friends one time when there were strippers and i couldn’t even watch them cuz I’d feel guilty! The guy I am currently “seeing” I do like hanging out with him and I wish he would change but at the same time I feel like I deserve better! Selfishly I wanna find a guy who just notices me no matter how many other girls are around! Is that being selfish? I mean a guy IS allowed to think other girls are hot too right? But to say it out loud to them or enough that I can hear it…feels like I am being stabbed lol. Maybe its cuz I would never ever ever flirt or hit on another guy in front of him! I hope this makes sense. I seem to ramble on alot as you can tell!! lol thanks again!

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