The Do’s And Don’ts Of Anger

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by Melody Fletcher on December 11, 2012

 

Quick Update: I received several really sweet emails from readers asking if I was ok this past week. I got behind on responding to comments, Facebook messages and the like. I’d like to assure you that I’m fine, that I haven’t been kidnapped and am not being held, chained to a radiator. Somewhere in Oregon. In a farmhouse. With a red truck outside. License plate KDNPR69. Bring chocolate. Seriously. But not some crappy brand you can get at the supermarket. Something worthy of my 5 star taste buds. Yes, seriously. Why do you keep asking?

Actually, I AM totally fine. It got behind for a couple of reasons: As I’ve previously mentioned, my coaching practice is getting quite busy. I’m almost to complete capacity, and so I’m spending a lot my time dealing with my paying clients, who always get priority (naturally).  Second, I really have been getting kicked about by the energy lately, which means that I’ve had to take a day off here and there to tend to my own emotional well being. If I’m not a happy shiny puppy, I don’t have very much to give anyone, so this has to come first. I’ve had several big releases (currently feeling all floaty and happy as a result), and I’m sure that there are more to come.

That having been said, I’m afraid the day when I won’t be able to respond to every comment anymore is approaching a bit faster than I thought and I really hope you guys understand when it does. We’ve built such a wonderful community here, and all of you already support each other in the comments, that I think the transition will be rather painless (I will probably be the one crying the hardest…) For now, though, I’m all caught up and will do my best to stay that way. Thanks again for your concern. I love you guys, too. *sneeeeeef*

Awesome Jenapher writes:

“I have a two part question. Recently (today) I realized that, to my severe emotional detriment, I have always made myself the “good” girl. Whether it’s to survive in my job, navigate my relationships, or deal with strangers, I feel like I have had to be so nice (there’s a good 4-letter word for you!), even if I didn’t feel like it, and now I realize that it has been making me sick and miserable, and I have not been anything close to authentic for a long time.

Part of my issue was that I felt like I couldn’t, “tell it like it is” even to myself, i.e. “I fucking hate the way this person treats me, and I wish they’d fall off the earth into a huge pile of turtle poo.” However recently, I have been more authentic and at the very least, journaling it like it is, and I feel enormously better.

I held back for so long because I didn’t want it to affect my “karma”, and I believed that it wasn’t Spiritual to admit to myself or anyone else that I was less than grateful for everything I have, and that sometimes I get really angry and hateful. But it seems that once I tell the whole disgusting and messy truth, I feel liberated, and dare I say – at a higher vibration, and it doesn’t bother me nearly as much anymore.

So, just how twisted have I been getting it? Does it serve me better in the long run to let the fur fly and be completely authentic in the moment? What happens when you know you should probably be totally real, but it’s scary and doesn’t feel good, but you think you might (or might not) feel better later? How important is it to my vibrational alignment that I am always myself and radically honest, and, for the love of God, not “play nice” to avoid confrontation? 

This question could not have come at a better time. Ok, it came a while ago, but it could not have jumped out at me at a better time. I’ve been coaching so many people (including myself) into anger lately, it’s like a freaking epidemic. But, considering what’s going on with the energy lately, it’s actually not surprising.

We are shedding our past beliefs. We are stepping out of powerlessness and into our own divinity. We are getting rid of all the obstacles to Who We Really Are. And, if you understand the Emotional Scale, you’ll know that the way out of powerlessness is Anger. When you feel like you have no control over something, others, your fate, etc., your whole being rebels against it. You want to move swiftly into feeling powerful again, and the emotion that gets you there the fastest is anger.

I actually made a video about the healing power of anger last year. In it, I encourage you, the viewer, to not squash your anger as you’ve been taught, but to let it out constructively (as opposed to destructively). I’d like to build on that video today.

Anger is NOT a step backwards

Most spiritual and self aware people like my readers, will squash their anger response, not necessarily because they don’t understand that emotions are valuable, but because they’re so uncomfortable thinking angry thoughts. When you’re aiming for “I am love. I love all. Everything and everyone is love. *queue choir of angels*”, thinking “I WANT TO RIP EVERYONE’S FACE OFF!!!” just kind of seems like a step in the wrong direction. And so, we shrink away from the anger and try to find a more enlightened response. But that’s the wrong way to go. Here’s why:

When you’re feeling powerless or like you have no control, anger is the right response. It’s taking you in the right direction. You’re nowhere near “I love all”, and trying to get there from a place of powerlessness requires that you do not pass Go, but go directly to Anger. But, in order for that anger to take you in the direction you actually want to go, you do have to give yourself permission to feel it, as well as remember a few key points.

Constructive anger vs. Destructive anger

The first issue that most people have with anger, including the self aware ones, is that when we get angry with someone, particularly someone whom we love, it seems disloyal. We don’t want to think hateful thoughts about someone we love. And yet, there’s a HUGE difference between thinking angry thoughts in order to affect an anger release, and actually acting on those thoughts.

When you release anger constructively, something which most people have never learned to do, you don’t hold onto it. You feel it and release it, which leads to a massive feeling of relief. The longer that anger has been brewing and has been denied, the bigger that sense of relief will be. Chronically unexpressed and suppressed anger, by the way, will lead to some of the ugliest behaviors in our society, something I covered in greater detail in the video. A constructive anger release happens in a safe environment, generally alone or possibly with a trained practitioner of some kind. The object of the anger is generally NOT present. Why not? Because the anger release isn’t about THEM. It’s about YOU and how you feel.

When you release anger destructively, it means just that: It’s destructive. You either hurt someone, something or yourself. None of those are part of the ultimate goal of feeling better. In fact, a destructive anger release always leads to greater powerlessness and a perpetuation of more anger. There is no relief. If, in your anger, you tell your mother you hate her, punch a hole in the wall, or worst of all, turn the anger inward at yourself, you end up with feelings of guilt, unworthiness, depression and at worst, you’ll end up in jail or prison where your powerlessness is highly amplified.

It’s interesting to note that when most people think of anger, they think of only destructive anger. They have no idea that anger can actually be expressed constructively and lead to massive healing.

Allow the angry thoughts, no matter how irrational

So, when I advise people to go ahead and think angry thoughts or write that angry letter, I make sure to point out that they will not be confronting the object of their anger or actually sending that letter. The exercise of expressing the anger is purely for their benefit and bringing others into it is not only unnecessary, but as I already pointed out, can be totally counterproductive.

Now, as you’re thinking your hateful and spiteful thoughts, your intelligent (do I know my audience or what?) and well meaning but totally misguided mind will jump in and proclaim: “That’s not true! You don’t hate her! You love her!”

When that happens, ignore your mind. Remember that things don’t have to be 100% true on all levels. Emotions are not rational or logical. You can love someone and still feel like dropping a baby grand piano on them (because a full sized grand piano would be taking it too far). One does not affect the other. Only, your mind likes to think in absolutes. You either love someone, which means that you’re only allowed to think lovely thoughts about them, or you hate someone, which means that you’re only allowed to think hateful thoughts about them. Your mind is not inclined to be comfortable in the grey areas, unless you train it to be.

Be honest about the way you actually feel

But here’s the thing: You feel the way you feel. There’s no use denying it. And if you don’t acknowledge how you feel, you’ll still have the same emotions, you’ll just be glossing over them, which will keep you stuck right where you are. We in the business like to call that “denial“. This is how you get people who have been angry for years.

You may think being angry with your spouse or mom or kid is disloyal to them because you also love them, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are, in fact, angry with them. And again, being angry with someone doesn’t mean that you don’t actually care for them. It just means that something this helpful soul has said or done has mirrored an active limiting belief of powerlessness that you’ve been ignoring, which has subsequently caused you to have an anger response. You now have the opportunity to use the mental image of this person to release that anger and shift the underlying belief. Really, if you don’t take advantage of this opportunity, you’ll be crapping all over their lovely (usually not conscious) gesture. How loyal is that, eh? Just saying. Plus, if you don’t address the source of the anger, you’re just going to keep manifesting bigger and nastier events until you finally do something about it.

If you’re angry, you’re angry. You can’t just decide not to be angry. You can decide not to pay attention to the anger, or to control your physical demonstration of the anger, but your blood pressure will know, y’all. It’s better to just freaking admit it.

Never direct the anger at yourself

Now, when most people feel angry, they usually direct it at themselves. They say things like “How could I have been so stupid?!” or “I shouldn’t have done that.” They’re in a bad situation and feeling powerless, they have their anger response, but then they get angry with themselves. Anger directed at the self is destructive. It causes depression, which feels powerless, which leads to more anger, which, when directed at the self, leads to even more powerlessness and so on. It’s like screwing the lid on a pressure cooker and turning up the heat. Sooner or later, something’s going to give. This is when you experience completely disproportionate outbursts of anger, often directed at someone who really doesn’t deserve it, like when your boyfriend takes a second too long to jump out of the shower, sprint downstairs and squash a spider on the window (which turns out to be outside), and you set fire to all his clothes as retribution. That would be considered a disproportionate and destructive anger response, with just a sprinkle of “total nut job” thrown in.

If you want to have a successful anger release, you have to make sure to direct the anger outward. Again, it doesn’t have to be done to anyone’s face, nor does it have to even be witnessed by anyone, but in your own head, look for someone to blame.

Release the anger constructively

In the aforementioned video, I give you several techniques which you can use to release the anger. I’m going to use one of those, writing an angry letter, to demonstrate how to have a successful anger release.

  1. Admit that you’re angry. Say, “Goddammit, I’m angry!” Swearing is optional but greatly encouraged (the more creative, the better).
  2. Make sure you’re angry with someone or something. Do NOT direct the anger at yourself. This could be a lot harder than you might think, so keep a watchful eye out.
  3. Decide whom you’re angry with. Do not choose by whom you love the least, but by whom you’re actually feeling angry towards in that moment. It’s ok if you really love them. You’re not taking away from that love in any way. They don’t even have to know that you were angry with them if you don’t want them to. Give yourself permission to be angry with them.
  4. Make sure you’re in a safe place and that you won’t be interrupted for some time (depending on how long you’ve been holding on to this anger, it could take anywhere from a few minutes to several hours.)
  5. Draft a letter to the person you’re angry with. In this letter, tell them why you are angry. Bring up every little thing they’ve ever done to piss you off. Honestly, this is the one time you have total permission to be as vindictive and petty as you like. While it might normally seem like a less than stellar idea to whine about how your brother broke your Hotwheels when he was five, especially since you’re now over thirty, this is the moment to let all that crap out. Gleefully.
  6. If your mind chimes in and tries to get all positive and crap (“but he helps the homeless on the weekends…”), tell it to shut up. This isn’t a court of law where evidence will be presented by both sides. This is an anger release, which is more like letting the Tasmanian Devil loose. Just let it go and don’t even try to get in the way.
  7. No matter how irrational, childish, illogical or untrue the thoughts may be, let them happen. When you’re releasing anger and rage, all the thoughts you’ve ever had that match that frequency are going to come rushing into your brain, like a river of nastiness.
  8. Now, you could try to be all Freudian and attempt to analyze those thoughts, where they came from and how you might shift them, or, you could just let the river flow through you and OUT. The middle of an anger release is definitely not the time to get all analytical. You can do that later (although, after the anger release is over, you probably won’t resonate with those thoughts anymore, which would make the analysis of them counterproductive and kind of a waste of time), but remember that this is an emotional exercise, not an intellectual one. Feel the anger in all its glory, allow every nasty thought that comes up and let it flow.
  9. Keep writing furiously until you run out of steam. And you will, at some point, run out of steam. Even anger that has been suppressed for years will take a surprisingly short amount of time to release, relatively speaking, once it’s actually allowed to come out.
  10. Enjoy the relief. Once you’ve allowed the anger to release, you will feel lighter, better and happier. This is when you can have more positive thoughts, thoughts of love, of compassion, of forgiveness. Try to do that before the anger has come out, and you’ll fail every time (providing you’re coming from a place of powerlessness).

Bottom line

Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions of all time, and yet one of the most healing. Releasing anger can be life changing. In these tumultuous times when it seems like every last bit of resistance we have left if being ripped right out of us, knowing how to constructively release anger is a must. It will keep you sane and will help you release the uncomfortable stuff faster. And don’t think that you don’t have any anger to release, just because you’ve never snapped and lit anyone’s clothes on fire. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t have some issue that made them feel powerless. We all have them. Some are more severe than others. But trust me, as you do this work, at some point, you’re going to get angry. And when you do, for your own sake and the sake of your boyfriend’s wardrobe, let it out in a safe, healing way. You’ll be a happier, shinier puppy for it.

 

{ 60 comments }

Kat December 11, 2012 at 14:52

Hey Melody!

I knew you were busy with your growing business and really glad you mentioned it here. Enjoy the manifestations! It was merely the next step which we need to be ready for.

I think the above exercise for releasing anger is meant more for convincing the brain to allow you to be angry by writing stuff down. The previous method you had mentioned of beating something like the couch, is great for the release, but the brain still pesters you about it and then you get angry at yourself. The way our organism works…

Great methods. Thanks!

Melody Fletcher December 12, 2012 at 23:30

Hey Kat,

Thanks so much! It try to keep up with as much as I can, but at some point soon, I’ll have to cut back a bit. Thanks for understanding. I do try to ease y’all into it… Ha.

You’re right. Almost everything I write about is designed to get the mind to accept the emotional work, actually. It’s kind of my angle, youknowwhatImean? ;)

Huge hugs!!
Melody
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John December 11, 2012 at 14:55

Over the years I’ve had a lot of anger directed towards others but then oneday I realised (and I really can’t explain how it happened , it just sorta did) that it wasn’t the person I was actually angry with but it was something that they done or had said that was why I was angry with them not the actual person , after that and realising that they were only human like myself and I can bet I have probably pissed off my share of people over the years with things I have said and done without thinking about my actions first when I was confronted with something that had caused me to act or say something that may have hurt or angered someone else but hey we are all human and making mistakes and learning from them is all a part of why we are here.
Personally , now I have no time for anger , to me it is just a waste of my energy , I would much rather just focus my energy on learning to love them warts and all – don’t get me wrong there are still times when anger tries to rear its’ ugly head but when it happens I just look skyward and say something like “forgive them father for they know not what they do” and under my breath I might whisper something like dickhead.
To me anger runs along the same line as hate – it doesn’t affect the person causing the anger it only hurts the one holding onto it. Just my opinion for what it’s worth.
Luvs ya all (including the warts)

Melody Fletcher December 12, 2012 at 23:33

Hey John,

I actually agree with you. There’s a huge difference between allowing anger and holding on to it. I would never advise anyone hold on to anger. When we allow it, it’s over quickly. Of course, I also advise figuring out what caused the anger and then clearing that. So, it all works together. :)

I’m afraid I’m all out of warts. I could try to find a zit maybe. Or a mole. Will a chipped nail do? ;)

Huge hugs!!

Melody
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Marjorie December 11, 2012 at 17:03

Melly Mel!

Thanks for this, I’ve been trying to figure out how to teach my kids about LOA and this was one of my questions…you clarified everything perfectly, as always, so thank YOU! I remembered all the times I’d tell my kids or myself that hating someone was a harsh and unnecessary. Now I see that it’s so important to acknowledge the feelings/emotions behind the hatred we feel. I wasn’t sure if being angry was OK while on this spiritual journey of ours. I had the impression that once we get past a certain point (and you addressed this in another question of mine) we’re only supposed to stay happy all the time…good to know that’s not the case =)

Marjorie

Melody Fletcher December 12, 2012 at 23:35

Hey Marjorie!!

If your kid hates someone in the moment, that’s how they feel. And it’s ok to feel that way for a bit. Once your child has calmed down, you can then address where the feelings came from and how to shift them. But we tend to squash kid’s negative emotions by telling them “You don’t hate him”. Well, in that moment, yes he does. Of course, as John pointed out, you have to do the follow up work… :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody
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Debi Goldben December 11, 2012 at 18:11

This could not have come at a more perfect time. I’ve been frustrated at work, at home with my kids, and in my relationship with my boyfriend. Kind of guessed it wasn’t ALL of them, but rather me. Needed the reminder that I needed to allow the emotions rather than just stuff them. Thanks.
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Alice December 12, 2012 at 05:07

Even your little monster has its hands on it’s hips! :-) cute.

Debi Goldben December 12, 2012 at 19:05

I’m sayin’ … it was one of those days :)
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Melody Fletcher December 12, 2012 at 23:36

LOL Debi. Glad to be of service. So is the little monster. Sometimes life is just too perfect for words. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody
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tony December 11, 2012 at 19:38

“I’m spending a lot my time dealing with my paying clients, who always get priority”
Old school LOA teaching will never be the same. Another gangsta loa teacher with leather jackets sold for money. Sneef. It’s not underground anymore…
And all this stuff related to anger.. ok, we got the message

“Only, your mind likes to think in absolutes”
only a sith deals in absolutes -obi wan kenobi

“you set fire to all his clothes as retribution. That would be considered a disproportionate and destructive anger response”
that would be considered an act of terrorism and the start of an amazing journey in the Baltimore hospital for the criminally insane, with profound conversations with Dr. Hannibal Lecter

Hannibal Lecter: First principles, Clarice. Simplicity. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing ask: what is it in itself? What is its nature? What does he do, this man you seek?
Clarice Starling: He kills women…
Hannibal Lecter: No. That is incidental. What is the first and principal thing he does? What needs does he serve by killing?
Clarice Starling: Anger, um, social acceptance, and, huh, sexual frustrations, sir…
Hannibal Lecter: No! He covets. That is his nature. And how do we begin to covet, Clarice? Do we seek out things to covet? Make an effort to answer now.
Clarice Starling: No. We just…
Hannibal Lecter: No. We begin by coveting what we see every day

Mike December 11, 2012 at 22:44

I say we settle this once & for all……….

Mellow-D vs. Hannibal Lecter

on SpikeTV’s Deadliest Warrior http://www.spike.com/shows/deadliest-warrior
December 21st, 2012

tony December 12, 2012 at 08:37

that won’t be an easy fight!
Melody has LOA but Lecter has teeth and determination on his side.
They both know how to allign and they never telegraph their hits.
Melody has the element of surprise but Lecter has potential “psychological knowledge superiority” and killing xp.
I suggest we put them in the Cage. No rules. Otherwise they will skip the fight and go out to taste some fine wine.

Melody Fletcher December 12, 2012 at 23:49

Mike, Mike, Mike, do you really think that Hannibal Lecter, given our different vibrations, could even be in the same room with me? He could try, but he’d bounce right off the door frame. LOA is my bodyguard, yo.

Mellow-D out.
Ha.

P.S.: unless of course he’s ready for my coaching. Huh. Then, you’d see him all crying and releasing all that darkness, wiping his snot from his nose with his sleeve, looking up with tear rimmed, blood shot eyes and whispering: “Do you… do you think the lambs will forgive me, Clarice?”

I’d watch that. :P
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Alice December 13, 2012 at 01:11

This implies you feel powerful when you coach others! Yuk! I hope not! I feel repulsed by the idea.

Anyway… I think that in the ring, Hannibal would obviously win, because Melody would hesitate to make the first move, or try to be defense only.

If he managed to get in there with her, she might even fall in love, he is charming. :-)
And even if he went to therapy, he wouldn’t get all snotty, because if you read the books, and watched all the movies, he is a guy of taste. If he wasn’t insane he is a gentleman.
The insanity just wrecks it. :-)

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 18:00

Of course I feel powerful when I coach, Alice! If I didn’t know my own power then I wouldn’t be able to fully know my client’s power and then I wouldn’t be of benefit to them. We are all powerful and when we really move into the knowing of that, that’s when the magic happens.

Well, Hannibal couldn’t hurt me unless I was a match to being hurt. But if I was in a fighting vibration and I was put in a cage with Hannibal Lecter, make no mistake, I’d go at him like a feral cat. I’m not the “go silently into that good night” type. I’m sure I’d get a few licks in before his superior fighting skills (i.e. I have none) would finish me off.

You know, he is charming. Especially the book version. So yeah, that might happen. Although, I’m no longer a match to total psychos, so probably not. Does the insanity wreck, it though, Alice? Does it really? ;)
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Alice December 16, 2012 at 06:00

Hee- hee. Ok as long as it’s not in a “yay I made you cry!” kind of way, because people volunteer to do that to move on, if you weren’t there something else would do it.
Because they want to. Get that. ;-)

Well, yes and no. I don’t feel good about a guy eating people, that’s just gross, because if you have to kiss them…ew…you better hope he flossed.

Or killing, because as cool as ninjas and hitmen are in movies in real life that ain’t cool.
Unless maybe if the victim was a rapist, and no eating, maybe I’d turn a blind eye to that, oh and they were dying anyway, so it was a public service…maybe, just maybe.
Yeah, it’s a service for humanity. Yeah, I could make some wild excuse for that.
The weapon is, er, just a collectible! :-)

But eating a guy because he played the flute wrong…ew… nah, I can do better! :-)

But it depoends what you deem psycho. I have a bigger beef with a guy that hits women or hurts little kids that I do with a guy that eats grown men…
Because I’m selfish that way, I’ve got my own interest at heart. :-)

Take that for an answer!

Melody Fletcher December 12, 2012 at 23:42

Oh dear Tony! I just want to make this clear right here and now: I will never sell my leather jacket. NEVAAAAAAH!

Daaaaamn! You went straight to Hannibal Lecter, dude? Who, in this passage, I actually agree with. Huh.

And don’t worry. The blog will continue, and I’ll still read every comment, I just might not be able to answer them all. I’ll still be here. Hush now. Shhh. Shhh.

Sleep tight.
Hannibal Lecter loves you. ;)

M
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Laura December 11, 2012 at 19:52

Hi Mel-

First I want to point out that I laughed at the beginning of the section subtitled: Constructive anger vs. Destructive Anger: You wrote, “The FIST issue that most people have with anger…” I read it just like that and then caught myself with a chuckle and thought, “Ha, Freudian slip,” of sorts. Now I don’t generally pick on typos, but man, this cracked me up for obvious reasons and I just had to point it out. Just plain ironically funny.

This part is for Jenapher:
Anger is a scary thing. First because of the way it makes us feel. Realizing it needs to it’s important enough to approach the person who triggered it for you, in their behavior, can be very anxiety inducing.

In order for it not to fester and then need to write letters you’ll never send in the future, you need to deal in the moment. Of course if you’re too enraged it’s good to walk away and come back when you’re calmer. But it’s not a good idea to let it go to the point that it’s being internalized allowing it to fester.

I think people (and this is certainly true for me) are afraid to talk about any disturbances, especially in intimate relationships of any sort. It’s not fun and it’s scary because we’re afraid we won’t be heard or the other person will get defensive and turn it around on us. I struggle with that, so it can be easier in the moment to just try to forget it. But your body doesn’t.

This is where dis-ease comes in. I think the healthiest thing to do is learn how to constructively express to someone how you feel. Easier said than done, because after expressing unpleasant emotions, is when you find out what the receiver of the info is really made of. And even before you approach you’re asking, will she get defensive, will she yell at me, will he not like me anymore, will he leave me? Obviously I’m speaking from my own experience. :)

Fear can really take over to the point that authenticity takes a back seat. But it’s only a matter of time before depression sets in when you’re not being true to self for the sake of saving a relationship in any capacity. It’s not really being saved anyway, since it’s not real. It’s not much of a relationship if you can’t discuss ALL your emotions safely with someone. Discussing what has made you angry especially, is a good way to find out.

It’s scary because the person might disappoint you and then you need to make further decisions on how you will behave in your own self care in the situation. Remaining or leaving might very well be a decision that needs to be made. And that leads to more fear if being true to self means leaving, especially if you feel what that person thinks of you is important to your own happiness.

Just my lessons from experience and my 2 pennies. Good luck and big hugs.
Laura

Jenapher December 11, 2012 at 22:30

Thank you, Laura, and big hugs to you! :) I had panic attacks for a long time because I was unable to express anger constructively to anyone, ever, ESPECIALLY in intimate relationships. Thankfully, those days have passed, and I really resonate with your point about dis-ease. Nowadays depression seems to set in when I’m feeling powerless everywhere. Some people would call it feeling “stuck” and to me feeling stuck equates to being “chronically angry”, so I’m still working on it, but I could write angry letters for miles, so thank you for that tip, Melody.

Alice December 13, 2012 at 01:51

Thanks a lot for this: “feeling stuck equate to chronically angry” am I angry? I don’t know…
Am I stuck?, hell yes!

I’m confused with the angry, as soon as I let it out, I find more to be angry about, it doesn’t go away quickly.
I think if I really did this, I’d become a serial killer. Best I just keep myself sane as possible.

Melody Fletcher December 12, 2012 at 23:51

EEEK! Fixed it! Thanks Laura. But if there ever was a Freudian slip, eh? LOL.

Thanks for sharing all your wonderful advice with Jenapher!

Huge hugs!

Melody
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Laura December 13, 2012 at 05:28

Sure…I picked on your typo, Mel and then I reread what I wrote and geez, what a mess. I will need to proofread better in the future. Ugh.

Oh well, I hope my message got across anyway.

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 19:45

LOL Laura. I fixed mine, I should’ve fixed yours. That would’ve been fair. ;)

Sorry!
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Mike December 11, 2012 at 22:30

Well said! I did a similar exercise several months ago where I listed out & forgave everyone I could think of (back to elementary school lol) that I still had resentment for. Although I did feel better afterwards, I think there would be a lot of value in doing the exercise again to see if anything’s still there.

Other than that, I highly recommend channeling anger through working out. I take boxing classes at least twice a week & love them! Of course, the punching makes releasing anger ideal, but I think any workout can really help get it out of your system.

Here’s an example for anyone who’s crazy enough to try my approach. I was on a rowing machine a few weeks ago at my gym & pulled up a situation in my head that I was not happy with at the time. I focused on it from a mindset of “this is ridiculous & I’m going to take it out on this machine” lol I then switch to a particular body language that gets me into an intense state in which I kind of clench my teeth & lower my brow. I then start saying short, fast statements in my head venting about the situation & anyone involved that I’m angry at. What often happens is my speed & strength match my thought intensity & I go into turbo mode. If you stick with it, you’ll eventually get exhausted & feel relieved at the end of it. Not to mention, you will have had an awesome workout :-) I find the exercise is best for cardio routines/machines (you’re delaying the release when you do sets with weights). Following such I workout, I’ll often focus on how I will think about it in a better light going forward!

Melody Fletcher December 12, 2012 at 23:54

Couldn’t agree more Mike! I use walking or jogging (depending on my fitness level and how sweaty I’m willing to get…) to get rid of frustration and anything worse than that. It really clears the head and lets the emotion out. And I’ve had the same experience. When I’m really pissed off, I’ll work out like a demon and I won’t even realize it until the anger wears off.

I haven’t tried boxing but I think I’d like it. Although, I don’t want to hit anyone. Bag only. Hmmmm, new sport for Melody? :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Mike December 14, 2012 at 08:18

haha Nah, no need to hit anyone. We don’t in my class, although I do spar occasionally where you have to throw or you’ll get your ass kicked lol, but let me tell you something Melody…..half of the time, my class is all women!! I’m really the minority and although there are some tough mamas in there, many are women you might not expect who just want a different kind of workout (or maybe to beat up their ex-boyfriend), but still, all different types of women so definitely be open to it. Besides, it can be very sexy like Angelina Jolie sexy. Unless you can beat me up. Then, maybe not lol

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 19:50

He, he, he Mike. It sounds like a great and fun workout. I’ll have to check if any gyms in Barcelona offer Women’s boxing. Who knows? I may discover my inner bad ass. So far, my only fighting moves include flinging myself at someone like a feral cat (the element of surprise really sells this), running away screaming like a girl and the fetal position. My street cred would probably benefit from an update to my skills…

So… Angelina Jolie would no longer be sexy if she could beat you up? Such a Liar…

Mike December 17, 2012 at 21:18

haha I think it’s more a matter of being turned off by a woman who seems like she has more testosterone than I do. There’s gotta be a combination there. Then again, isn’t that most female assassins in Hollywood….show up to a ball in a stunning gown with a gun tucked inside their garter & ninja moves waiting to be unleashed. They got the formula right lol

As for your moves, I think an intention needs to be set for an LOA video game. You can be a tag team with Abraham Hicks & use your cat fling against Rhonda Byrne & Bob Proctor.

Melody Fletcher December 17, 2012 at 21:57

You just made me spit up my tea. Well done, sir. Well done. :D

DawnStar December 11, 2012 at 23:17

The key to everything is feeling it. The adults that ‘domesticated’ us did an excellent job in convincing us that certain feelings were unacceptable. They did an even better job in convincing us that if we went one step further and displayed said certain feelings as behaviour we would be punished for it, either with physical abuse, verbal abuse or psychological abuse. As children we were even afraid that we could be abandoned, cast out or cut off for it……….how many of us were sent out of the class, sent to our rooms, sent to mouldy Great Aunt Petunia’s for the holidays ……….Make no mistake about it, displaying ‘those’ feelings came at great cost. If you were anything less than yippety skippety you were made an example of and made to feel wrong.

It’s not hard then to see how after only a few short years we don’t need the middle man to tell us how wrong we are anymore. As soon as ‘unacceptable’ feelings start to stir we jump readily and compliantly to the ‘wrongness’ of us and then do whatever we can to suppress those feelings. We avoid letting them show at any cost because to do so puts us at risk. Most of us get so good at it that we not only avoid letting them show, we actually numb out to feeling them altogether. We survive on auto-pilot, ping-ponging between a small range of acceptable emotions that keep us small and stagnant and disempowered.

Our emotions are our instrument panel, they tell us our trajectory. Avoiding or numbing out emotions is akin to painting all over our instrument panel with black paint. We have to actively feel everything, to be present in it, to be wholly with it. We have to Be who we Be at any given moment.

No emotion is shameful. On Dr David Hawkins Scale of Consciousness, shame is 10 points above death! Shame is something we’ve been conditioned into feeling, it’s a convenient method of control. If we can be made to fear shame we’re less likely to display emotion that is inconvenient for others. People don’t like being confronted with emotions that evoke discomfort in themselves. Todays society conditions us from the outside in, we must make everything ‘out there’ a priority and tailor ourselves accordingly – a more conscious society would insist we operate from the inside out i.e. we would make ourselves and how we feel our top priority enabling us to co-create a healthy, non-judgemental, creative and authentic way of Being.

The same goes for anyone doing the ‘spiritual bypass’ – we are kidding ourselves if we’re tripping on love and light all the time. We’re still yielding to social pressure, trying to be good, as if it’s going to earn us more points in the spiritual stakes. Again, judgement is playing a huge part here and judgement is a human construct. I know Source does not judge, it just keeps giving us the means to answer the call to our higher vibration, to Who We Really Are. Period.

Feel all of who you Be, in all your stupendous glory. The world is waiting for you :]

Melody Fletcher December 12, 2012 at 23:55

Hey DawnStar,

OMG, I love the analogy of being domesticated as kids. Ha! Adorable! And so fitting.

Thanks for adding your wisdom here.

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Mary Carol Moran December 12, 2012 at 03:07

Hi Melody,

Awesome post. You’ve made me think of applying the same method to resentment, which has been surfacing for me. ‘Life’s not fair!’ Sigh. Wonderful, fantastic, joy-filled, but not fair… Laughing at myself as I type.

Huge hugs! Thanks again for making me think.

Mary Carol
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Melody Fletcher December 12, 2012 at 23:56

Hey MC,

I find that allowing ourselves to feel the emotions that are coming up actually brings a great deal of clarity. Feel the resentment for a little bit and see what comes up. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody
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hopefully December 12, 2012 at 04:57

This couldn’t have been a more perfectly timed post! I’ve been lurking this blog for a while and for the first time in my life I’m having “drama” with someone, my roommate, because she’s turning on the AC when its already 20 degrees outside. I’ve only turned the AC off when she’s not home, and have told her this and she still complains about it simply because its hot when she first walks in the door.

I’ve suggested opening the window instead of using the AC, but she just complains even more about how hot it is without replying to me. But then the very next day she’ll try to act like she wasn’t mad when I ask her if anythings wrong, but will continue talking loudly about how “intolerable” I am being to anyone willing to listen. And seeing as how the utilities like heat/AC are covered by the apartment, it’s not a money issue.

So I’m basically so confused as to what has been in my vibration to cause all of this lol. I’m open to suggestions from anyone for help on finding a solution as I use this post to help with my anger in this situation.

Melody Fletcher December 13, 2012 at 00:03

Hey Hopefully,

Well, how is all of this making you feel? Frustrated? Angry? Disrespected? Powerless? Is there anything else going on in your life that feels that way? The feeling is the key.

In general terms, if you can flow some love to your roomie (maybe not while looking at them), possibly from your soul to theirs (keep it on a big picture level), you should see immediate improvement in her behavior. But there is a message in this for you, something you’re not addressing. I can’t tell you what it is without having a conversation with you, but these general tips might help. :)

Huge hugs,
Melody

Alice December 12, 2012 at 06:21

The Don’t:

http://www.worstpreviews.com/headline.php?id=26842

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1337057/

To Do:

http://www.break.com/index/guy-uses-marching-band-to-quit-job-2189160

Would have been better with a bigger audience to sock it to the bad boss, but yes, dramatic quits are better than shooting sprees.

Go out Steven Slater style (a flight attendant), hijack the intercom, give your quitting speech, grab a beer, deploy emergency escape and slide out of plane to freedom, go home to your lover!

Melody Fletcher December 13, 2012 at 00:08

Ahahaha. I love the marching band!! I had many a crap job in my day and would’ve loved to do that. Actually, even as a boss I would’ve loved it if someone quit by band. Sure, it would’ve still been sad to see them go, but at least we would’ve had a soundtrack.

Hadn’t heard of the flight attendant. That’s epic. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody

mopeychild December 12, 2012 at 09:50

noo. dont stop the replying to each comment here. now that uve said u wont, i realize just how much im gonna miss it. :(
me sad. :(

but me happy for you, that youre getting all super busy now :)

but but but..me sad :D

Melody Fletcher December 12, 2012 at 23:58

Oh Dear Mopey,

Don’t worry. I’ll still be around. And maybe I can find a compromise. Like, only answer comments left on the first day, or something… :) I won’t change anything until after Christmas. I’ll do my best to line up with the ultimate super solutions over my holiday. :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody

Alice December 13, 2012 at 01:27

That would simply give me the advantage to your night posts, as that’s my daytime, so I’d always be first. :-)

The only reason I don’t comment first, is I do it sometimes, but it feel audacious to do it all the time, dominating the blog, so I back off a bit and let others talk first….

If I commented as soon as I saw the blog, I’d be this jerk with my big red avatar that always replies first, and always seems to be around. And that would piss people off and wreck the community spirit.
So I am first commenter sparingly…it’s an unwritten rule of netiquette.

Also LOA wise, if you are first and your energy isn’t a match to some lurker that really wants to be here, I’m blocking them out, because I could annoy them. They may be waiting- so they can finally talk. ;-) You know without bloody Alice butting in everywhere. Somewhere out there, this is truly happening, maybe as I type they look at the screen in fury “will she ever go away? I just want to comment once, in peace!”

Therefore (oh therefore, well you can call it a garage, I’ll call it a car-hole) it should be merit-based, or need based.

When you start doing that, I’ll only comment with essential questions, and hopefully if people don’t really need to they’ll back off.
That’s my plan anyway. But other people aren’t as polite as me. :-)

Alice December 13, 2012 at 01:36

“only answer comments left on the first day, or something… ”

Nah, I can see that going badly for the reasons I just pointed out (my time difference advantage, I always see the blog empty of comments, I am always first.)

& because then you’ll only attract the really obsessed regulars who are here all the time anyway… ;-) commenting multiple times per blog, you know the ones, that includes me. (forget it’s a blog, treat as forum or IM msgs)

So about 15-20 regulars, if that and about 5-10 daily commenters *cough* (Melody stalkers, oh I’m learning LOA…yeah right!)
Or only the most pushy people will comment, all the introverts will just sit back…

I’m just making the point with a very clever parody of myself…. if you didn’t catch it.

Frances December 13, 2012 at 04:05

Hello, Melody, I would like to understand how the mirror effect works and takes place between people? See, I have been trying to find one simple answer that I can understand and resonate with but there are so many different perspectives on this one. I’ve searched books, internet, coaches etcc.. nothing has really made sense. Some of them try to be TOO SPIRITUAL, like they either live in LA,LA LAND or in heaven and I’m like ” what the hell?” I just need a simple answer. It is said that we cannot control people’s actions but then again, people mirror back to us our limiting beliefs in a way that hurts us or angers us, and we are supposed to be grateful and love them for that. But how can we do that without becoming a DOORMAT to them. It has been my experienced that I do see how maybe some peoples actions may reflect certain limiting beliefs in me and I try to deal with the belief while feeling love and compassion for the person but then the person won’t change and continue the bad behavior. So, how do you deal with that? are you suppose to love them and keep accepting the behavior because is reflecting something back at you? How does this really happens? is it your soul choosing messed up people to show you what you need to change? The whole holy behavior that most coaches encourage it is just not working for me!!! please help me understand this “MIRROR EFFECT” before I completely pull my hair out! I know you tell it like it is and that is why I follow you :) Love, Frances.

Nay December 13, 2012 at 07:22

I feel you Frances!

Especially when their behavior effects you and you feel if you don’t address them about it, you’re being used/abused. Yet the addressing does nothing, and you know it’s your issue causing it to re-occur, but you are still being affected and pretty sick of it. I haven’t figured it out either, but I’m working on an issue right now that is a perfect example of this. When I figure it out, I’ll try to explain and let you know. :)

Frances December 13, 2012 at 18:47

Please do!!!! lol I really need to get this right. I also hope I can hear from Melody as well :)

Nay December 14, 2012 at 01:00

Oh you know I will. This may come as a total surprise, but I do enjoy writing here!!! 8O

Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 19:56

Hey Frances,

I don’t know if you saw, but my very next post actually addressed this very issue. I’ll link to it below. I hope it answers your question. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Fonzy Montenegro December 13, 2012 at 06:22

Again, another great post. I actually watched your YouTube vid about anger and it was eye-opening.

I like the constructive tips you gave on releasing anger like pounding on the couch and screaming. I did those during high school (it was about a girl.. haha). I felt relieved and clear-headed after a while of doing it.

So I know that the tips you shared works. But I love to see you create a post about how to stay ‘in the flow’. I didn’t see anything about it when searched your blog (at least not any title anyways).

Anyways, keep up the good work!

Regards,
Fonzy
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Melody Fletcher December 15, 2012 at 19:58

Hey Fonzy,

You wouldn’t now if from the title, but this post actually deals with the flow, being in the now, in a very powerful way: http://www.deliberateblog.com/2011/12/20/the-secret-behind-the-secret-how-we-manifest-reality/

Huge hugs and thanks so much for your kind words,

Melody

Nay December 13, 2012 at 07:13

Hi Melody,

Anger is one I have a hard time with. Oh I can get angry, but it’s rarely constructive, but I have learned over time, that it is way better to just let it out if you can. When I hold onto it, it does usually explode at some of the stupidest things. (No setting anything on fire, but the size of the anger over the mininiscule happenings is usually very ummm, embarrassing after the fact!)

Once again, the key is tying the feelings to something else, because there is almost always a secondary reason underlying my triggers. Some other event or incident that is unresolved. My biggest issues are when the same situation occurs and I get pissed off…every…single…time! That’s when I know it’s me, something that I have to figure out, because obviously I am attracting the situation for a reason. :) And now my whole goal is going to be looking for the feelings and what they link to…after I’ve had a punching screaming match with my pillows… :mrgreen:

And I figured when you weren’t posting, you had already hit the point of not being able to answer all posts, and figured it was great, but damn it, I will miss you soooo! :( But despite my selfish tendencies, I totally understand that being awesome just demands a lot of your attention. And I am so very, very happy for you that it’s pretty much true!!!

Love!

Melody Fletcher December 17, 2012 at 22:02

Hey Nay,

I find that if I let the anger out constructively, I often have an epiphany during or right after the release. As I’m ranting about everything I’m angry about, I’ll hear myself say something that points it right out. That’s happened quite a few times. You’ll notice movie makers have figured this out, too. They’ll have some couple fighting and really letting the anger fly and then one of them will finally shout the thing he’s really angry about. That’s vibrationally sound right there. :)

Don’t worry, I’m setting it up so that I’ll still keep an eye on the comments and I won’t miss anything. The solutions are already coming into line, my dear. For me and for y’all. Keep the faith!

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Christina December 13, 2012 at 17:53

I’m going to write the letter. I’ve been feeling annoyed, smothered, frustrated, but I need to call it what it is – anger. My logical mind says “Why are you angry with your husband? You wanted him with you, he’s with you. How could you feel smothered when he wants to be with you?” But logic aside, I’m feeling how I’m feeling and I need to let it out and understand we can be different. Thanks for bringing this up again.
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Melody Fletcher December 17, 2012 at 22:03

You’re welcome Christina! Let ‘er rip!! :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Claire December 19, 2012 at 03:15

Hi Melody

Isn’t writing a letter accelerating the negative momentum, if there are already things going on?

Regards

Claire

Melody Fletcher December 28, 2012 at 14:04

Hey Claire,

Not if you do it with the deliberate intent of feeling better. If anger doesn’t feel good to you (which means you are not in a state of powerlessness and there is no anger coming up), then yes, it would be detrimental to do that exercise. But if you are naturally feeling anger, then letting it out will move you forward. The anger won’t last. Letting it out will dissipate it. And when it has, doing anger exercises won’t feel better anymore and would not be helpful at all. Sometimes, anger is a step up, and when it is, moving into it helps. If it’s a step down, don’t go near it.

I hope that makes sense. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Isis February 4, 2013 at 10:28

Hola Melody :)
This was a very useful topic for me , since i am very bad controlling my anger and often release it on another person , causing them so much hurt and myself too.Now i know that feeling of powerlessness is not going to control my life . coz i have control on my life.But apart from me . using this technique , knowing to control my anger and release it safely , how can i soothe somebody who is angry on me..For example say , this guy , i have hurt him so much in past by venting all the anger on him for no reason, now he is very much hurt,disappointed and angry on me..he doesnt want to leave me because he still loves me and but this anger is not letting him to take me whole heartedly.this is an anger and hurt of many years i am talking about.he just keeps them locked inside his mind and never ever talks to anybody about this..he is in a struggle , hurting himself more, by not welcoming or accepting happiness..he is kind of blocking his own happiness and i believe if all his negative vibrations of anger , hatred , disappointment , fear all that comes out ,he wud be happy again..he is generally a very happy person with high vibration , but because of this problem by me, he is really in a confused state..i really want him to be happy , normal again like used he to be..for a person who knows nothing about LOA, how can i make him vent his negative vibrations , forgive me, and find his happiness again?? i really need help here..
You are awesome again..thanks for ur time and love..!

huge happy shinny puppy hugs :) :)

Melody Fletcher February 16, 2013 at 18:58

Hey Isis,

I’m so sorry, I didn’t see this comment until now. What you have to do is change the way you view this man. See him as happy, not as angry. Don’t hold him in that vibration. Put your focus where you want it, not on what you currently see. Connect with the part of him that’s happy and shiny and KNOW that this is who he really is. It’ll be easier to do this when he’s not around. Make lists of all the reasons he’s awesome. Appreciate him. Get so happy about him you just want to hug him all the time. Do this for just a little while and you’ll see a different version of him. Oh, and you’ll feel a lot better. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Kay February 14, 2013 at 23:19

Hey Melody!

Can you please clarify the “Never Direct Anger at Yourself” bit? What if the only person to blame in a situation really is yourself? I thought we’re supposed to take responsibility for our actions because we’re the ones who manifested them in the first place. And secondly, if anger is a vibrational feedback of negative emotion that WE created to get our attention to notify us of some kind of resistance, wouldn’t it be helpful to acknowledge that we pretty much did this to ourselves?

For example, I backed into a car yesterday. I felt completely powerless and angry with myself and beat myself up for making such a stupid mistake and for manifesting the accident, but I was also furious with the Universe for sending me that signal and manifesting an undesired event. Couldn’t I have backed into a pole or trash can instead?? So in that situation, how could I NOT direct the anger at myself? Who would I blame instead?

Huggies to you!
-Kay

Melody Fletcher February 16, 2013 at 19:05

Hey there Kay,

There’s a huge vibrational difference between taking responsibility for your reality and assigning blame.

“I create my own reality” can lead us to believe that we did this to ourselves. That’s blame. It’s your own damn fault that something bad happened to you. Stupid, stupid you. But that’s not helpful at all, is it?

“I attract my own reality”, on the other hand, means that you were putting out a signal that attracted what you got. What you go is letting you know what signal you’re putting out. You weren’t aware of that signal, obviously, or you would’ve changed it. So, now that you’re aware, you can do something about it. The manifestation is a bit like the red light that blinks in your car when the engine is overheating. It may be annoying, but you don’t want to ignore it, and when you think about it, isn’t it helpful that the light is letting you know there’s an issue before it gets worse?

Why would you back into a car? Well, my first thought is this: You have a habit of beating up on yourself, and so you manifested something you could totally beat up on yourself for. It’s not serving you!

How do you direct the anger outward? Well, it doesn’t matter what you choose and it doesn’t have to be rational. You could be angry at the other driver for being in your way (you don’t have to do this out loud), or at traffic, at the city for not putting a sign there, or yes, even at the Universe. Letting the anger out is a way to feel better, what you use to get it out doesn’t have to be the “truth” or the perspective that you will now adopt. You can get totally ridiculous to let anger out (and people often do, and that’s totally ok).

Does that make sense?

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Kay February 18, 2013 at 21:56

Hmm so what you’re saying is that I should first be honest with how I feel, but then I should do whatever it takes to blame an outside source (even if I don’t initially feel that an outside source is to blame, so I’m kind of tricking myself?) so that I can feel better and release the anger.

And I’ve now modified “I create my reality” to “I create my reality BY attracting.” This is much more productive! Instead of beating myself up for creating an accident, I can recognize that I attracted the accident in order to bring up resistance issues for me to solve and do away with! So it’s kind of actually a good thing, in a way.

Thank you as always, Melody!!

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