Coaching Call #026 is out! Today’s topic is: She Feels Like A “Loser”.
This client grew up in a family with low self-esteem, and had brought that with her into her adult life. She’d amassed a great deal of evidence that she would always have to struggle more than others, and yet would always end up with less than them. We managed to shift a great deal of her jealousy and low self worth, by dissecting different incidents from her life and reframing them. If you’ve ever struggled with feeling like a “loser”, this call is for you. See the Call Summary.
It’s time for another post from Lady Awesomesauce herself, Mary Carol Moran. Today, Lady A is sharing her own personal story of how she’s experiencing this current, tumultuous time of vibrational upheaval. Enjoy!
Melody’s awesome post on What the Hell Is Going on Lately generated a storm of thoughtful response. It seems many of us are in the same rocky boat. Here’s my take on what’s happening:
A Little Background
Like so many of us, I’ve been tossing around emotionally and even physically. It feels like every difficult time I’ve been through has come back to be re-lived, at least briefly. Life passing in review in front of my eyes – that’s what it’s felt like. Every mistake, every moment of weakness, passing in review. And no sooner does one tough time fade away, that another takes its place. Each on its own would be do-able, but time after time after time, has been a rough ride.
It feels like a cleanse from a fast. All the crap is coming out, except it’s not my pores that are cleansing, but rather my spirit. I’ve spent some time pretty close to hating myself, and certainly wondering what the good was of all this.
Through it all, my Soul has been here with me, kind of like a big sister holding my hand. I’ve tried to stay grounded in the belief that this too shall pass.
This morning I didn’t want to get up, and after breakfast I did go back to bed. I lay there thinking, what the hell? There are so many of us in this same spirit place – which is comforting though not enough to make it go away! I asked for a sign, something to say why this was happening, and what might come next. I tried to just let the emotions flow, and kept saying to myself, ‘Clear… Flow… Clear… Flow….’
The first realization that came was that my resistance, this struggling and holding on, is based in fear. All the old stories are washing away. Everything I think I know about life is washing away. And I’m scared. Who wouldn’t be? Who am I without the old stories? I have no idea who I will be after the cleanse. I have no idea if I’ll want to live where I now live, if my friends now will be my friends in the future, if my family will even continue to be my family.
What we’re doing right now, folks, is letting go of everything. For those of us who are aware of the process, it’s scary as hell.
Why This Is All Worth It
Recognizing my fear eased my breathing, and I felt some resistance melting. As I relaxed, the second part of the awakening clicked into place. Only in hindsight do I realize that I was given a glimpse of an almost unbelievably bright future.
The vision began simply enough. I thought of my sister, and how when I went away to university, she snuck a deck of playing cards into my suitcase with a sweet little note. At the time, I was seventeen and eager to escape a dysfunctional house, and she was 11. When I opened my suitcase in Denver, 1000 miles from home for the first time, I felt a wave of such pure love for her that the moment is indelibly inscribed in my heart.
Then I thought of my brother. As adults and even back as teens, we have never gotten along. But the moment I remembered this morning was back when he was about three years old. We were walking around the University of Texas campus as a family. He reached for something in the big fountain, and fell in. As my parents pulled him out, he explained that he’d seen a teacup and wanted to get it for me, his big sister. The teacup was really a bubble – it never existed. But the love of that moment, the tiny boy wanting to give his girly-girl big sister something he knew she would want, overwhelms me even as I write this.
And that’s when it all became clear. What’s left when the cleanse is done are these moments of bliss, of love that’s so true, it somehow persists through a lifetime of conflict. And to live in these moments of joy, we first have to clear out the muck.
And that’s what we’re doing, folks. Turn on the water and hose yourself down. Cry every tear you can cry, and then cry a few thousand more. Let it go, let it go, let it go. The only way to get clean and clear right down to the bone, to free up the gorgeous, glorious Real You, is to let all the old, all the no-longer-functional, fall away.
Am I still scared? Hell yes! Is this now easy for me? Hell no! But a glimpse of a future where all that remains is the beautiful and good, where the negative and difficult just isn’t relevant anymore, is motivation enough to hang in there and keep shedding.
And There’s More… A Mere Two Days Later
Yesterday was a really low day. I’ve been dizzy for days now, and totally unmotivated. Letting go of everything, means letting go of EVERYTHING! In the middle of a TV show, I realized that I can’t watch TV any more. So I turned it off, for good. I’ve spent most of my life without TV, and it’s time to let it go again. I’m nervous that the Internet needs to go too. How will I communicate with you all then??
Maybe as payoff for relaxing into the releasing, last night I had a couple of revelational dreams. I’m not sure of the meaning yet – maybe you can help? In the first dream, I was with a friend who died over 20 years ago. He was asked spur of the moment to make a speech at a fundraising gathering. He spoke eloquently, and as I watched him I realized that he was alive, not dream-alive but alive-alive. It was a situation we’d never been in, no memories involved. In fact, he created a brand new memory for me. When I woke up, I remembered the dream perfectly, and still do. I wondered for several moments if he was perhaps still alive-alive, though I had attended his funeral in 1991.
To me the dream meant that somehow we live-live after we die. We participate in and create new experiences through the minds of those we were close to.
I drifted quickly into another dream where two unknown women taught me how to modify a jacket pattern to fit a tall person. Again, I remember the dream in total detail. And this dream seemed to say that people live on in ‘dreams’ (for lack of a better word), regardless of whether we ever knew them in our daily lives.
Maybe this is another opening, another door. Something that’s always been there, but that we are only able to perceive now, with an altered vibration. While we’re letting go of old stories, let’s let go of our perceptions of death too. EVERYTHING is changing!
Like the joyful memories of my sister and brother, these dreams left me with a vast sense of hope for the future. It’s going to be different. It’s scary and overwhelming. But if these are just inklings of the power that’s coming. Oh. My. God!
What do you think? As always I’m eager to read your thoughts. What is your vision of the future? What metaphors keep you going? Are your dreams changing? Super giant rescue puppy hugs to you all!