Are You In An Abusive Relationship With Yourself?

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by Melody Fletcher on November 4, 2012

 

Coaching Call #021 is out today! The topic of this call is: Finding Her Passion And Moving Towards It. In this call, I helped a client figure out what her real passion is, as well as clearing a whole host of beliefs that were in her way, such as that you can’t make money doing something spiritual, that she’s not good enough, that there’s too much competition, etc. I also helped her make sense of her depression and gave her a ton of techniques to keep her on track after the call. View the call summary and listen in!

Imagine the following scenario: Every day, when you get up, your partner tells you how fat you are. And ugly. “Look at your round belly and flabby thighs.” They show up again at lunchtime, to berate you for the food you’re eating. “Sure, why not have a slice of cake? It’s not like you don’t want to look like a hippo!” If you make even the slightest mistake, like spilling your drink, they pop up out of nowhere and remind you how clumsy you are. Just before your big presentation to your boss, you get a text message, assuring you that you’ll probably fail, because you’re too stupid to handle that much responsibility and you know it. Most of you, at this point, are thinking “I’d put up with that crap for about thirty seconds and then there would be bloodshed.” You wouldn’t allow yourself to be abused like that by anyone, knowing that if you did , your self esteem would be destroyed.

Well, guess what? A lot of us are putting up with that kind of abuse, but not from a spouse or a parent. Often, the most abusive person in our lives is the one staring back at us in the mirror. The voice we use to talk to ourselves is often shockingly nasty, mean, cruel and downright damaging. And make no mistake about it; subjecting ourselves to that kind of abuse on a daily basis takes its toll, just like the abuse from another person would. In fact, it makes little difference where the abuse comes from, as long as we believe it. And when we bombard ourselves with the same messages every day, we will come to believe them. In short, self-abuse is still abuse, and it does just as much damage as being mistreated by someone else.

Self abuse is the worst kind of abuse

In fact, self-abuse has the chance to do more damage, for several reasons:

  1. You have a lot more access to yourself. You may get a respite from an abusive partner or parent (they have to sleep sometime and you can usually get away from them for a few hours a day), but we have to live with ourselves 24/7. There’s no getting away from it.
  2. There’s no buffer. When someone else says something mean to us, we have the chance to disagree with them. We can see how others react and get a sense that these types of words aren’t acceptable (we don’t always, but we can). But no one can hear what we’re saying to ourselves. It’s like having an invisible abuser yelling obscenities at you, and no one else can see them. We have no other perspective but our current one to view the abuse through, making it that much harder to choose a different point of view.
  3. How we see ourselves determines our perception of how others see us. That means, that those who disagree with our twisted view of ourselves can’t make it anywhere near us. We can’t hear a word they say. Self-abuse is the most effective way to shut out all contradictory and positive messages, ensuring that the abuse continues. Abusive partners will often isolate their victims, limiting the amount of contradictory feedback they get exposed to. This is the exact same thing.

Awareness is the first key

In my coaching practice, I often help clients overcome their negative self talk. When they first become aware of how they’ve been addressing themselves, they’re often totally shocked by just how nasty they’re being. They would NEVER talk to anyone like that, and yet, they’ve been lobbing some of the worst insults one can imagine at themselves for years. Particularly strong, ambitious women will be hypercritical of themselves, allowing no room for any kind of error or weakness. The slightest “mistake” will unleash a barrage of insults and criticisms that would make Gordon Ramsey go “Oh hold on, now. That’s going a bit too far…”

So, how can you become more aware of how you’re talking to yourself? Well, first of all, decide to pay attention to your self-talk. That intention goes a long way, and may be enough to make you conscious of how you’re addressing yourself.

Second, you can use the technique I described in the Video on How to Love Yourself: Imagine that you’re talking to a small, adorable child. Suddenly, you’ll be hearing every word that comes out of your mouth (or mind) through the filter of saying it to someone defenseless and innocent. Whereas before, you may have dismissed some of your self-criticism as “not that bad”, you’ll definitely become aware of the destructive nature of your words. What would you think if you heard an adult tell a small child “You’re so stupid! I hate you! You’ll never be good enough!” You’d probably have the urge to step in and protect that poor child (and possibly smack the adult). And yet, many people talk to themselves in exactly that manner.

You can’t be strong enough to withstand the abuse

At this point, some people like to point out that even though they wouldn’t speak to a child in such a horrific way, they are not children anymore, and can “handle it”. They feel that they can process the abuse, that their minds know that they don’t really mean it. This is when I have to call Bullshit.

Your mind, and especially your subconscious, knows nothing of the sort. The words you are using are a reflection of the beliefs you hold about yourself, which means that your mind is accepting all those nasty insults as truth. This, my denial filled dearies, is how you truly feel about yourselves.

How you talk to yourself reveals how you truly feel about yourself.

And thinking that you’re tough enough to withstand the torrents of abuse, that you’re strong enough to weather the constant onslaught of nastiness, is dangerous at best. Sure, maybe you can keep yourself from having a total breakdown, but you cannot subject yourself continuously to an environment of abuse and not pay a hefty price. And, let me ask you this: Why would you even want to try?

Why would you ever need to prove that you can withstand constant abuse, unless you secretly fear that you’re weak and are trying to prove yourself wrong? How is your suffering proving anything, and who, exactly, are you trying to prove it to? Just because you’re strong enough to “take it”, doesn’t mean that you have to!

Telling yourself that you’re stupid and lazy and fat and ugly will take its toll. It will absolutely affect  you, how you feel, how you interact with others and your world, how successful and happy you are, how much love and money you let into your life, your relationships with your spouse, children and friends – in short, every aspect of your reality.

You can’t exactly leave yourself

When someone’s in a truly abusive relationship, I generally advise them to get out. In most cases, the environment that they’re in will make it damn near impossible for them to shift their vibration to a better feeling one. The sheer force of the abuser and the fact that they’ll try and exert even more control over their victim once that victim becomes stronger and begins to pull away can be too compelling. Abusive partners have also been known to beg and plead and do anything to manipulate the victim back into their clutches, where, after a very short respite, the abuse starts all over again. It’s often much easier to leave the environment altogether and then start the healing process.

But what happens when you’re the one abusing yourself? You can’t very well leave your own head or ship off your subconscious to be healed, while you take a nice vacay and sip Mai Tais on the beach. What happens when you take the abuser with you everywhere you go?

The good news is that, unlike with an external abuser where you can’t control them or create in their reality, you have no such limitations here. You CAN create in your own reality and you can definitely change your own vibration and elicit very different behavior from yourself. And as you do, you’ll see massive changes not only in the way you feel, but in your reality as well.

Learning to love yourself

The technique that I described in the Loving Yourself Video is the best one I’ve found to date to help us dramatically change our self-talk. When you run everything through the filter of talking to a small, innocent, adorable child (or anyone you really love and have no negative feelings towards), you instantly become softer. Your tone is much kinder, you don’t berate, you encourage more, you let things go (a.k.a, everyone makes mistakes), you choose nicer words, and you may even find yourself apologizing to yourself for all the past nastiness (which, incidentally, is not a bad idea).

For example, let’s say that you’re late for a meeting. Your default response may be to tell yourself how stupid and incompetent you are. Why can’t you EVER be on time (suddenly it becomes an absolute. You’re ALWAYS late…)? Why can’t you be more disciplined? You’re going to lose your job, if you carry on like this!

Now, imagine that a small, adorable child (or love object of your choice) is a few minutes late. How do you respond? The same way you used to? Unless you’re a total douchebag, you wouldn’t dream of talking that way to someone you loved. You’d be much more likely to say “That’s ok. You’re only a few minutes late (diminishing the situation instead of exaggerating it). They’ll understand. Everyone struggles with traffic. Maybe they won’t even notice.” You’d soothe the little child, tell them it was no big deal. You wouldn’t go off the deep end, spiraling into the worst case scenario (like getting fired). You’d be much more likely to treat it as an isolated incident than part of an inherent character flaw. And even if the lateness was part of a pattern, you’d be more willing to look for a valid underlying cause than condemn the offending party as “broken” or lazy or incompetent.

So, noticing how you address yourself and shifting your tone and language and intention is the first big step to recovery.

The road to recovery

Any kind of abuse can lead to depression and self-abuse is no exception. The impact that our thoughts about ourselves and how we address ourselves has on us, how we feel about ourselves and our entire reality is significant. It really is like being in an abusive relationship.

The good news is that as we learn to be kinder to ourselves, as we let go of the need to be perfect, as we cut ourselves some slack and actually act as though we give a crap about ourselves, our energy begins to rapidly shift into higher vibrations. When the abuse stops, we move rapidly and often dramatically into better feelings. It’s like finally being able to breathe again after being held under water.

I’ve personally witnessed miraculous shifts in how people felt and the manifestations they allowed simply by making a change in how they talked to themselves. Clients who came to me hopeless and desperate to feel better will describe all the wonderful changes in their lives with the enthusiasm of happy, excited children after just a few sessions. Getting them to address their negative self-talk is almost always part of this process, and invariably, the very next appointment after being given this exercise, the client will report feeling so much lighter, more positive, less stressed, calmer and all around happier.

There is no other technique that I know of which will improve your vibration so drastically.

Think about it: Going back to the first paragraph in this post – if you were used to this constant barrage of abuse, with very little positive feedback to balance it out, you’d be feeling quite horrible. But let’s imagine that this abusive person was suddenly replaced by your fairy godmother, or a hot guy or girl, who constantly told you how amazing you are, how gorgeous you are, how smart and beautiful and competent and sexy you are? What if you were consistently reminded of what a bright, shining, powerful light you are and how you, yes you, have the power to influence the entire Universe for the better? Sure, it would feel weird for a bit, but after a short amount of time, that constant flow of support and love would start to sink in, and it would change you.

Well, you don’t need a fairy godmother. You can do this for yourself. It takes a bit of dedication, and yes, it feels weird as hell at first, but if you keep it up, you can expect things to get better, fast. I challenge you to try monitoring and shifting your self-talk for 30 days. Hell, even a week will bring noticeable changes (but you’ll just be out of the weird stage…) Then, come back and tell me how it went. I can’t wait to hear about all the “miracles” from my happier, shinier puppies! :)

{ 49 comments }

Kat November 4, 2012 at 14:40

Yes, Melody, this is indeed how it is! Negative self talk also leads to anxiety disorders. How else us your nervous system to react by shutting itself down from the negative barrages of your mind? See, even it knows better and protects itself from self-induced negativity, the worst of all!

One important thing not to miss in the inner being. It’s always there smiling, and, although in these periods of self-abuse we tear ourselves apart from it (I was totally conscious of this), it still cheers us on and speaks to us like a child. At least that was my experience. So fusing with our inner being is a way to remind ourselves that we are really awesome, happy shiny puppies. Of course, it takes a while to get there. We really do have to climb the emotional scale and it takes time, but this is something to do for ourselves to get back to functioning at higher vibrations.

It is just sad how society allows this to perpetuate somehow, since there is this concept of perfection out there, yet it is not the skewed version society advertises. It is something different and embracing it is key. I hope I made sense. Just had to respond to this as a way of showing how far I’ve come back to happy shiny puppiness!

Melody Fletcher November 4, 2012 at 18:41

Hey Kat,

You’re so right. When we criticize ourselves, we totally going against what our inner being believes. There’s no worse feeling thoughts than ugly ones about ourselves…
And thanks for mentioning anxiety disorders. That’s so true and I can’t believe I forgot them. Hey, I guess that shows how far I’ve come… he, he.

I deal with perfectionism a lot in my coaching practice. I could’ve written so much more here, but I realized that I was going off on other tangents that needed blog posts of their own. The pressures we put on ourselves are insidious. I no longer beat up on myself, but I do bargain with myself, trying to manipulate myself into doing stuff I don’t really want to do but think I have to. When I become aware of it, I almost have to laugh at the sneakiness of my mind, lol. I won’t tolerate the beating up anymore, so it tries to find other ways to support the false beliefs I haven’t yet uncovered, ha, ha. It’s not as damaging as abuse, but it still creates stress and pressure.

People are waking up to these ideas now. Hopefully, one day perfectionism will be seen as a mental illness that used to exist. ;)

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..How I Released My Hatred For The Person Who Abused My ChildrenMy Profile

Kat November 4, 2012 at 19:05

My thoughts exactly about perfectionism Melody! Could go on about these topics all day and there are more topics within topics here for future coverage, for sure.

Coaxing ourselves to get things done certainly can’t compare to self abuse but I see what you mean here, thanks. I have been embracing and living everything about life, and this helps a lot, not only to life my vibration but sustaining me in the vortex. Of course, when I start the negativity I get spit out, but I now see it more of an indicator as to my thoughts and vibe than anything else.

Laura November 4, 2012 at 19:52

Hey Mel and Kat-

I wanted to jump in here and say a couple things. First I want to ask, is the vortex the same as the matrix, as in the earthly plane?

Speaking of society and how it allows self deprecating to be an acceptable trait and behavior, it occurred to me while reading that it’s also used so much in comedy. It is a big part of stand up routines, sit-coms and even with friends. It’s funny to put self down. And that “comedy” is actually coming from a place of pain usually and even a place of subconscious denial of the pain.

Kat November 4, 2012 at 20:32

Hey Laura,

Melody gives some great explanations of the vortex throughout the blog; I am not able to find one at the moment. The vortex for me is my “happy place” of shiny puppiness, where I do not care about anyone else’s opinion, I follow my heart’s desire, I know things will turn out okay and I am in such flow there is no essence of time and I am connected to my inner being, most importantly. Melody elaborates better on the technicalities of the concept. The matrix is something I usually want out of, as it is society in this plane and how I know there is more to it than all we see around us.

But what I want to say is that I, too, have noticed that about comedy. It does seem to come from pain, it is weird. I noticed this during a funny movie the other day and how shocked I was. So, is it a cover for the pain in a way we can uplift and share with others without causing further pain? However, it is good to laugh things off if we want to continue being in the vortex and not take ourselves too seriously, right? Masters always talk about laughing and not taking life so seriously.

Melody Fletcher November 4, 2012 at 22:04

Hey Laura,

The vortex is an Abraham term. It basically describes the vibration of Who You Really Are, which also matches everything you’ve ever wanted. All that has been created in the non-physical and is just waiting for you to match up with it. You can imagine all that wonderful goodness swirling around in a vortex. So, Abe talk about getting into the Vortex as a way of telling us to get into alignment with Who We Really Are. Same thing.

The matrix, for me, is the collection of false beliefs that have been perpetuated throughout time and have been passed on from generation to generation, but which we are now waking up from. We’re figuring out that these beliefs are false and also that all the rules we’ve been taught about how reality works are false. When this understanding really sinks in, the shift in your point of view is so profound, it’s like stepping out of the Matrix, in the movie. Suddenly, what you thought was real no longer is and what you thought was fantasy becomes real.

I don’t believe that all comedy comes from pain. It’s easy to get people to laugh at pain. Slapstick comedy depends on it, but it’s kind of lazy in my book. Slam a pie into someone’s face and you get a laugh. We’re so used to making people laugh like that, we don’t realize there are other ways. But, there are. Case in point: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twLTok9Q3ZM

Enjoy!
Hugs,
Melody
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Kat November 5, 2012 at 06:18

Very cool, Melody! So, like in the movie, at least the two parts I clearly remember, (after the choice if the two colored pills in the beginning after which swallowing one there’s no turning back) we can fly like Neo and save the dying Trinity’s life? All this metaphorically, of course. Neo went against the architect’s plans and defied the rules by flying and saving his love. It’s basically the same concept here.

Nay November 5, 2012 at 03:10

Kat!
Climbing that emotional ladder is where it’s at. Once I started climbing, the view just got amazing! Once I slowed the self abuse and found better things to say in my head, things just got better, which made feeling better self perpetuating.
And I see you doing the same climbing, gawking in amazement and happiness at the new view! 8) May you keep this blessing going.
Cheers.

Kat November 5, 2012 at 03:48

Hey Nay,

Thank you so much for confirming this! Your input really helps and is useful in the journey, partner!

Nay November 6, 2012 at 01:44

Partner you make my day! :mrgreen:

Bernie November 4, 2012 at 15:29

Hi Melody great article which I completely agree with and am consciously aware now of any negative abusive talk o give to my self… A few years ago a dear friend said to me ‘ Bernie you are your own worst enemy’ this really got me thinking and a year or so later I realised that it had been me all along who had been the problem .. Now and having my realisations enhanced and supported by amazing writers and teachers ( such as louise hay byron katie)which are really helping me put this into practice and your work melody I’m so much kinder to myself and am trying to be my very own best friend which ironically enough makes friendships with others more meaningful and authentic all round. So yes folks Melody is spot on and as always puts it into a language which really makes ‘freakin sense’ love and light Bernie x

Melody Fletcher November 4, 2012 at 18:43

Yes, yes, yes Bernie!!!

That’s such an important point – when we heal our relationship with ourselves, we automatically attract better relationships all around. Because it all starts with us.

Thanks so much for your insight and kind words, Lady Bernie! ;)

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Are You Too Intellectual To Be Happy?My Profile

Cynthia November 4, 2012 at 15:55

Hey Melody,

This post definitely hit home for me and I’m sure it would for most people out there. It’s amazing how we could overlook something so simple. I have to admit I have addressed myself in many negative ways over the years and came name several people off the top of my head I witness doing this very thing. I think for some people, myself included, have allowed any negative treatment or bullying from others (whether in the past or current), to dominate our mindset of ourselves. With persistent practice of treating ourselves better, we will in turn attract others who will love, respect, and encourage us to be the best we can be. Thank you for this post, I will certainly practice what you mentioned on a daily basis and encourage others to do the same. :-)

Melody Fletcher November 4, 2012 at 18:48

That’s awesome Cynthia! Let me know how it goes! This is such a powerful exercise and it’s made a huge difference in my own life. This was a few years ago, but when I realized just how awful I was being to myself and then changed it, it was like a revelation and I felt better in DAYS. The benefits have been racking up ever since. It can be truly life changing and can accelerate your growth exponentially.

Yay Cynthia!

Huge hugs,
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Dear LOA: How Do I Explain This Stuff To My Partner?My Profile

mopeychild November 4, 2012 at 16:13

‘ how we see ourselves determines how others see us’
How do we know this is true? What if ur just saying this to make me feel like less of a loser and feel better for the timebing, and feel in control and feel less self hatred? What if there is no energy technique and we keep claiming there is just to feel better and pretend to be less dissatisfied with our lives?

Melody Fletcher November 4, 2012 at 18:52

Ok… so, if all that comes from this is that you feel well and truly better, then it’s all waste of time? Wouldn’t that, in and of itself already be worth it?

You can’t really know that it’s true until you’ve experienced it yourself. The first time you shift how someone responds to you as a direct result of deliberate work, the penny will drop and you’ll KNOW it. Until then, it’s really all theory.
It’s like jumping out of an airplane. I can read about it and watch videos of others doing it, but I don’t know what it feels like until I’ve done it. So, my advice would be to try it. Do the work, have a bit of faith, and see what happens.

And if you are feeling truly better, then there’s no pretending. If you’re pretending, you haven’t made the shift.

But, I can’t talk you into anything and I would never try. That’s not my place. If this stuff resonates with you, TRY IT and see.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Alice November 5, 2012 at 04:29

My thoughts exactly!

I often freak out that LOA is the refuge of the desperate person, clinging to straws and hope. There are no mental waves escaping your skull that influence the world, like some person with schizophrenia.

I’ve been here since June and nothing in my life has changed. All the positive talk in the world has only increased my despair as I feel hopeful for a change that never comes.

mopeychild November 5, 2012 at 06:26

I somehow just knew it would be you commenting alice ! I saw thecomment notif email in my inbox and I had a strong feeling it would be you. Well technically, I think LoA is like a diet. Works differently for different people. And I find myself questioning its efficacy the most when I’m desperate and feel like a loser cuz I SO want my external circumstances to change. But I have to admit tht waiting for outer circumstnces to change is like fighting a losing battle. When I’m happy I realize that things just DON’T seem to go wrong no matter what. I don’t know if thers the LoA in action but there sure is something. Also, thing is, there are a lot of websites online where people contribute their LoA experiences but in my opinion its just naive hogwash disguised as LoA, where its evident people operate from a place of desperation. I think LOA reveals itself to us when were not desperate for it to work. So in your case, if your continuously scanning around for proof that it works, you won’t get it anyway. I think melodys ebsite is very matter of fact. She answers every question and dosent shy away from stuff. Just saying.

Kat November 5, 2012 at 20:45

Hey Mopey,

I was thinking this very thing today! When you are not concerned about stuff and do not care about it or obsess about it, that is when LOA has its effect. That is when things happen. I have noticed this. When we set something forth and then leave it alone, that is when manifestation occurs. It has to be left alone without our interference, though. This I still do not understand yet, but it is true. I guess we do not mess it up further with our BS? It is plausible.

Also, acknowledging LOA in action is important. When noticing something, actually taking note of it is how more things come into play. It is all a process, of course, so one must take it as such. Once in action, though, like Neo in the matrix, there is no going back to the matrix after swallowing the little pill; you see things differently. You notice the matrix for what it is and how things got there. Again, slowly, not all at once. Just saying…

Kat November 5, 2012 at 21:30

Here is a video I found that explains the situation very well, especially the cave allegory:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRNMZEDOBrM&feature=related

Kat over and out.

Alice November 6, 2012 at 03:28

Thank you for reply directly to me Mopey, it’s easier to see the conversation we are having. :-)

I do reply to you because I feel it is important to you, to have someone that will speak to you as an equal, without fluff and without condescension.

I also feel that you accept too much patronizing in your life as you mention being a woman of 24yrs, however you refer to yourself as “child” and “not having much experience in life”.
You have also spoke about the opinions of family, when at this age, or anything over 18 IMO, their opinion does not stand. You are a woman, and own your mind and life.

You’ve had many experiences crammed into your young life, from a very early age and surpass your years.
You also work at a pharmacy/chemist, which is quite a good job.

You also have a job, in one of the most highly populous country in the world, whilst battling depression.

But yet, you still think you don’t know anything, (you do), but you accept anyone that is older than you or giving an air of false superiority to have the right to instruct you, advise or otherwise tell you what to do.

I don’t give off that air of authority or age (on purpose) which is much more constructive, so then you can tell me to get lost or whatever if you want. I also don’t use flowery words, because I enjoy talking with you, like I would speak with a friend and without any pretension. (Which is the thing I admire in you, whatever the opposite of pretentious is, you are)

I agree with what you said about Melody and her site. Yes, it is important with anything not to continously scan for evidence. Thank you for reminding me, I am aware and working on getting off “need” but it is a situation of need and not merely a want. That is a good challenge.

Like telling the starving people that food is not a “need” so they get off the vibration of desperation… They can’t scan for food, because this would attract lack?

The thing is, which you already know with your reference to “naieve hogwash” is that people also scan for any little thing that went well, often due to the opposite of LOA (someone elses’ blood, sweat and tears) point at that thing or the success or happiness in their life and clap “see, there LOA, I did it!!!”
Like a child that learnt a magic trick.
And just like the religious, when it does not work for them, well, they didn’t have enough faith, weren’t pure enough, weren’t positive enough.

When life is going well, they are the masters of LOA, it’s all very convenient. “See, I’m very smart and wise, I know what I’m doing, listen to me, because I am happy right now.”

But they don’t what where they’re going, they aren’t happy on a deep level, with purpose and they aren’t any more “qualified” than you.

The important thing for you, is that you know your own power and authority, is greater than anybody else, because it is your life.

Laura November 4, 2012 at 20:12

Hi Mel-
Great article as usual. :)
Funny I picked out an additional topic or two myself within the article. I thought of questions to myself and even something that rubbed a nerve. It was the lateness issue with someone else. lol. Then the way you wrapped it up, I could sense you saw something more there too. hahaha.

Anyway, you are really good at provoking a lot of thought for me and your posts give me a lot to ponder and examine about myself… and not always ONLY the topic at hand. I so love that.

on the technique. I’m thinking a good way to start off, especially if someone is in a round of self abusive, (and that’s pretty often when one is in depression) is to say STOP! either out loud if you’re alone or just think it to self if you’re not. Then say or think something positive. I’m going to definitely implement this. I love inner child work.

Oh and I also wanted to mention that the self escape topic within this article resonated as well. I’m finally out of the desire to do that, I remember my brother saying that one day after that bad break up while I was on the phone with him, having turned to him for comfort. He said, and I quote, “The thing is, you can’t escape yourself.” But darn if I didn’t try. LOL.

At first, the drinking worked. I definitely was leaving my body. But of course this is no way to continue living as all of us here I’m sure know. After a while, the alcohol (beer) or anything else was serving to numb my excruciating pain. I had no choice but to face myself. Glad I did as I am past the worst of it.

And just so ya know, you’ve been a catalyst in that. I’m excited to try the technique. Thanks for the idea and the awesome article.

Hugs, Love and Peace,
Laura

Melody Fletcher November 4, 2012 at 22:10

Hey Laura,

We always hear what we’re ready to hear. So, I can write a post about one topic, but it can help you with a different one. I’ve noticed this when I listen to Abe, too. They’ll be talking to someone about romance, and it’ll give me an epiphany about finances, or something. It’s because when you “get” an underlying principle, you begin to apply it to whatever is relevant in your own life. The same thing is happening with the coaching calls in the membership site. People are surprised when they get so much out of a call that had a topic they didn’t think was relevant to them. But it’s not about the topic as much as it is about the underlying principles.

Huge hugs!!
Melody
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Laura November 4, 2012 at 20:17

Correction from my above post.

This: “After a while, the alcohol (beer) or anything else was serving to numb my excruciating pain. I had no choice but to face myself. Glad I did as I am past the worst of it.”

Should read like this: “After a while, the alcohol (beer) or anything else was NO LONGER serving to numb my excruciating pain. I had no choice but to face myself. Glad I did as I am past the worst of it.”

Sorry for the confusion.

Haha, good time to use that technique.

Hugs.

Aylin November 4, 2012 at 22:21

the moment I saw the name of the post I felt it was the right time for me and I am now ready to make the huge shift.I have started to feel better about my looks.And even noticed a guy looking at me at the cafe I went :) :) But when I came home all of a sudden I am feeling down,I don’t know why.I guess I am a bit impatient and trying to push hard about feeling good,or as soon as I feel good,the resistance about this issue comes to surface before it goes away for good.I don’t know,I’m confused :) But I am better anyway :) Thank you for the great post:) I’ll try to live the process.

Melody Fletcher November 5, 2012 at 16:25

Hey Aylin,

You’re in the middle of the process right now. You’re moving towards improvement, but as you do, the resistance you have is coming up. That’s ok. Notice it and then let it go. When that voice comes up and says “Who do you think you are?”, talk back with “I’m beautiful and that guy at the cafe thought so too. In fact, I’ll bet there are tons of men who look at me all the time and I just haven’t allowed myself to notice them.” Then, stay with those thoughts for as long as you can. What if those guys really DO think you’re beautiful? Let yourself believe it for a bit. Sure, doubts will still come up, but as you do this, they’ll get less and less and it’ll get easier to think those positive thoughts. As long as you keep focusing on what you want, you will get there. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Nay November 5, 2012 at 03:01

Melody,

This very thing is what started my personal change into a much, much happier person! Once I started thinking of more positive things, I started hearing the negative self talk that was running on my background sound track. Like you said, it was surprising to realize it was going on constantly, and I was so used to it, I wasn’t even aware of it half the time!

But by making small changes in focus, everything can change. I made up positive rants that I could run through my head at random, stopped the negatives as soon as I heard them, and made a conscious effort to overrun the negatives by innundating myself with those positives rants. And exactly as you say, things started getting better!

My whole outlook on life has changed! My feelings about myself have changed! This inside job has become something that I enjoy and find more fascinating every day. It starts small and simple, but grows bigger and bigger the more often you work on your focus and your self talk. It becomes that wonderful thing called habit.

And as always Melody, you have been the catalyst in so many ways!!!!

Melody Fletcher November 5, 2012 at 16:28

Hey there Nay!

Thanks for the testimonial, ha, ha! People are always looking for that one big thing that will fix their lives. Well, this is it! But it doesn’t seem big. It starts small and then gathers momentum. When I can get people to just try this, they are so amazed at how much of a difference it makes. This one “little” thing can have the power to change lives.

Wahoo!

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Kat November 5, 2012 at 16:45

OMG, Nay, that is so very beautiful! I am on the lookout for your responses nowadays because you are so in the zone, it is a beyond wonderful, uplifting feeling to be witness to that!

I am so appreciative of this online community in which these things can be discussed. To others they seem like BS and even dangerous, but we certainly know better.

Nay November 6, 2012 at 04:34

Hey there again Kat!
The zone comes and goes, but it is there more often than not nowadays. Sometimes I am so amazed at how many things have changed in comparisson to the small adjustments I made! I still tilt off axis here and there, but I find it so easy to straighten back up. I think that has been the greatest change for me. Once I got to a happier place, and realized “I” did it, it just became easier to do it again and again. I guess the best way to put it is, it became a choice instead of a struggle.
Before this, I was almost to the point where I thought adjusting your focus and thinking, in order to feel better, was BS. Now, like you say, I know better. And there is so much support here, which I love and appreciate more and more. :D

Kate - Truth Freedom Love November 5, 2012 at 03:34

Melody- This is such a powerful post – seriously. Thank you for what you bring to the table with this piece.
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Melody Fletcher November 5, 2012 at 16:29

You’re welcome Kate! :) And yay! I’m glad someone remembers SNL from those days. Ooh yes! I loved the Church Lady! I think I have to go hit Youtube right now… :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Kate - Truth Freedom Love November 5, 2012 at 03:35

And, also, Stuart Smalley was one of my all time favorite SNL characters! Along with the Church Lady :)
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Max Power November 5, 2012 at 04:50

Hello Melody,

This self-love can backfire under certain circumstances.

Result= you are kind and praise yourself for doing nothing!

Here are some examples:

Don’t want to go outside? That’s fine, no-one is forcing you to, have a nice day at home.

Don’t want to go to work? That’s fine, why should you? You are only making yourself sick. Don’t do something you don’t want to do.

Don’t want to get out of bed? That’s fine, take it easy, you rest well.

Don’t want to look for work?
Don’t want to answer your phone?
Don’t want to do anything?

What about exercise? Hey, you do it when you feel like it, don’t force yourself.

What about sleeping in?
What about sleeping in all day?

That’s ok, because you seem unhappy. You don’t go to work afterall. You don’t study. Take it easy, people outside will just harass you. I won’t, you just stay right here, where no one will bother you.

It’s ok, I’d tell my loved one it’s OK.

Who will motivate you, besides that fearful little abusive wanker in your head, that at least gets you to DO THINGS.
As everyday is filled with doing things we don’t want to do. That’s life.

That’s how you pay your bills and don’t get carted off to a mental hospital for the incapacitated that said “nah, I don’t feel like it”
one too many times.

What if that little voice is just telling it like it is?

What if you really are 10lbs overweight and really should do some more exercise or eat less?

What if you really are a parasite to society, one of lifes’ basement dwellers that have been out of work for so long, they became a part of the brickwork in the house?

What if your poop DOES stink?

Who can you trust to be honest, and kick you up the butt?

Max Power, that’s who!

Melody Fletcher November 5, 2012 at 16:44

Howdy Max!

Well, thank you for sharing your point of view here. I’m glad you bring up some of these points.

“Who will motivate you, besides that fearful little abusive wanker in your head, that at least gets you to DO THINGS.”

For me (and you don’t have to buy into this), this way of thinking is based on the assumption that we are all basically lazy bastards at our core and if we don’t bully ourselves into getting stuff done, we’ll just turn into couch potatoes. However, I don’t believe that to be the truth.

When we move towards happiness, which is what I teach here, we do not become couch potatoes. We become MORE active, MORE productive, but it’s no longer hard work. It’s pleasure. When you are living your passion, you don’t need any motivation. We only need to motivate ourselves to do stuff we don’t want to do. And, the idea that life is filled with stuff that we don’t want to do and we just have to accept that is another false belief.

I’ll give you an example: I’m not particularly fond of cleaning my house. But, I like it to be clean. So, I finally gave up forcing myself to clean when I didn’t want to. Now, sure, there was a bit of the fear that my house would turn into a pig sty. But it didn’t. I focused on feeling good, feeling good about my house and focusing on how great it feels when it’s clean. And you know what? I was inspired to clean it. I put on music, danced around the house and had a great time. I wasn’t forcing myself. and it happens fairly regularly, as long as keep a positive mindset about my house.

Also, noticing that you’re not satisfied with certain things in your life is not the same as beating yourself up for them. “I’d love to be thinner and healthier” is not the same thought as “I’m such a big, fat, pig”. The tone and the words are important. I do get the point you’re making. That if we were to be kinder about this, it might be the same as saying “Oh, don’t worry. Just eat all you want and be a big, fat, pig.” But this is about giving ourselves permission to feel really good which includes getting what we want. No one wants to be a couch potato. People become couch potatoes to avoid the stuff they think they have to put up with, not because it’s what they truly want.

Thanks for giving me a chance to explain this further. The points you mentioned are huge stumbling blocks that many people face as they try to let go of the old way of thinking. They’re afraid they’ll become totally unproductive, lazy, sloths and nothing will get done. But, and I speak from personal experience here as well as having witnessed this countless times in the lives of friends and clients, the opposite is actually true. When we let go of the need to make things happen with force and willpower and we use our true power (focus), life becomes a lot easier, more fun and yes, more productive than we ever could’ve dreamed possible. It’s scary, but it totally works. :)

Huge hugs for you Max! I’m sure you were representing the questions of a lot of readers and I’m grateful you had the courage to voice them here.

Melody

Max Power November 6, 2012 at 04:43

Howdy Melody!

Thanks for the sweet reply!

I have already gathered that this isn’t an effort for happy and energetic people…but not everyone is that happy or inspired. Some people aren’t in a place where they can just “feel good”

:-( In my case my pad does become a “pigsty” and it is hard to motivate myself to do anything. I just don’t have the energy.

I have to grit my teeth, as I grab some garbage, and march it down the stairs, on the long walk through humidity to the sidewalk, dodging neighbours along the way…. neighbours that don’t understand the concepts of night managers, night watchmen or any other night-related job.
Or even the Holy Grail of work…the-night-fruit-shop-workers…

So there I am in the middle of the day, when I should be sleeping or otherwise avoiding society, dragging some stinking rubbish about, and having single-mothers and students notice the “unemployed” dude again and “why doesn’t he answer his door? He’s home all day?”

I guess I’m sensitive about that, because I have been the unemployed dude before.
There was no night-job, but I was still just as tired!

Why is unemployment/underemployment so shameful in society, so tiring?
I’d like to have thought I don’t care what other people think, “yer, I’m not working, so what!” but I did. All the comments about being a lazy bum really hit hard.

“They’re afraid they’ll become totally unproductive, lazy, sloths and nothing will get done.”

That’s exactly what happened, Melody! I’ve got a resume you could punch holes through, the gaps are so big, you could fit elephants through them!

If I don’t force myself out of bed each day/night, whatever I will just lay there, until my answering machine fills with death threats about not showing up to whatever thing I was meant to be doing.
I would just do nothing.

I’m sure if I had more motivating things, it might help with my unfitness and general lethargy, some inspiration to get outside and DO SOMETHING. But for now all I have is wanker voice-
“You’ll have a heart attack if you don’t move your arse, boy. At least stretch your legs, check the mail, DO SOMETHING”

I am glad you feel my questions will help others, I feel that way too.

I was reading a blog about this guy in another state, he is a “dishpig” and it seems he took that job after a long time in unemployment.
He’s in his late twenties, washing dishes for a living and according to his blog, he doesn’t have many friends.
He goes home, plays videogames, lacks energy and motivation. He wants more, but doesn’t know how.
He says he wants to see people and do more after work, but he’s so tired, he just wants to sleep all the time.
I didn’t know how to answer as I’m not living much better than he is!

I try to appreciate the fact there are people out there too sick to work, that don’t even have that basic thing.
I have no idea what they have to go through, at least I have some distraction.

Thanks again for your kind words.

Melody Fletcher November 7, 2012 at 00:46

Alrighty then, how about this for starters: Get your wanker voice to tell you to DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER!

Then, go from there. :)

Hugs,
Melody
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Max Power November 7, 2012 at 01:12

I don’t know what that is.

Melody Fletcher November 8, 2012 at 18:24

In that case, change the wanker voice statement to “Find something that feels better”. Then, when you do, notice that it feels better and give yourself credit.

Rinse and repeat.

Ideas: Playing a video game, reading a trashy novel, writing a trashy novel, taking a bath, getting a massage, going to the gym and hitting a punching bag, masturbating, walking through the park (not at the same time…), looking at funny pictures, sharing funny pictures, dancing (privately or in public), learning a new skill, having a great conversation with a friend, making a new friend, taking a day trip to someone new (just pack a lunch and get on a train), playing a game you haven’t played since you were a kid (get a slinky, play hopscotch, etc.), volunteer somewhere (animal shelters are great, or work with old people, disabled kids, after school programs, something with nature…), do you get the gist? :)

Hugs!
Melody
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Alice November 5, 2012 at 06:50
Melody Fletcher November 5, 2012 at 16:49

Hey Alice,

Thanks for this. My reply: There’s a difference between positive thinking and denial. They aren’t even close to the same thing. One feels really good, the other really, really doesn’t. When you pay attention to how you feel and get in touch with Who You Really Are, then positive thinking is a powerful force of productive change.

Of course I can think “I can become a millionaire” all day long. But if my belief doesn’t match that, if I’m not aligned with that thought, then it’ll feel painful to me. So, I guess we should differentiate.

Let’s not talk about positive thinking and let’s talk, instead, about positive vibrations. That should clear up any misunderstandings. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody

Lori Gosselin (@lorigosselin) November 5, 2012 at 17:55

Thanks for raising a point I’d not seen before – you can’t get away from yourself so an abusive relationship with yourself is so damaging and constraining! Positive vibrations are the way to go! You tell ‘em! You do it so well!
Lori
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Melody Fletcher November 7, 2012 at 00:18

You’re so welcome Lori! And great to see you here!

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Pat November 8, 2012 at 23:34

Thanks Melody – exactly what I needed to hear and right time. For years, I’ve known and heard teachings on the importance of loving yourself and know it’s something I needed to learn. Even several years ago a Life Coach such as yourelf gave me a message she had received for me that said, “The degree you love yourself is the degree of which you will be successful.

I never found out how to do that and this post is perfect in how you outlined what to do. Now, I have tools I understand that I can work with.

Can’t thank you enough Melody — you’re the best :-)
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Melody Fletcher November 11, 2012 at 23:58

You’re so very welcome Pat! Do let us know how it goes! I can’t wait to hear of your success. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Pat November 13, 2012 at 20:02

Melody – it’s a work in progress but it’s truly amazing how the pieces all seem to come together exactly when you need them.

From Tohami’s storytelling network course I’ve been struggling with the writing of ‘crafting my story’. I think I really had a breakthrough on it this morning after writing on it for a couple of days. I never had truly asked myself before ‘who I am’, ‘what am I doing’ and ‘why am I doing it’. I’m still in the ‘who I am’ part.

I love this life, this world and the times we’re living in. I really am thankful for coming across you and your site. ♥
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Melody Fletcher November 15, 2012 at 21:42

That’s wonderful Pat! These questions can be tough to answer, but doing so can really help you figure out what you want, who you are, where you actually want to go. It can make you question tons of your beliefs about the world and also yourself.

Keep up the great work! It’s so worth it!

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Charlie November 14, 2012 at 01:05

Hi Melody
Thanks for another great post!
This is very off topic, but who is the little guy in the photo above?
Thanks, C

Melody Fletcher November 14, 2012 at 01:41

LOL Charlie. That’s Stewart Smalley. He was a character on Saturday Night Live in the 90′s. He had horrible self esteem and would say affirmations to himself in the mirror. Cheesy but funny. :) You should be able to find it in YouTube.

And thanks!

Huge hugs,
Melody
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