Releasing Regret – Can We Change The Past?

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by Melody Fletcher on October 28, 2012

 

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Awesome Laura asks: “I am new in learning about the LOA and I have a question I haven’t been able to find an answer to online. Since you said that our lives exist on different levels or dimensions, is it possible to put yourself on a different vibration to change the past? Like if you have something you regret a whole lot, is there a way to find the vibration of the option you wish you had taken?”

My answer to this question is going to build on a previous post I wrote about guilt, which explains what guilt is and how to shift your perspective so that you can release it. I don’t want to repeat that entire post here, so I’m just going to point you, ever so helpfully, to the link. Since guilt and regret go hand in hand, I strongly suggest you read this post, as well:

How To Let Go Of Guilt

Now that you understand how your perspective of your past determines how you feel about it, and that this perspective can often be skewed, we can move on to the real question posed here: Can we change our past?

Well, yes. Yes we can. But not in the “Step into my Tardis and let’s go back to 1986 and keep me from getting that awful, awful spiral perm” kind of way (stop judging. We all have our regrets…). You can change your experience of your own past in an energetic way. And yes, I know that sounds a bit dissatisfactory, like I’m asking you to just imagine that your past was different, but it actually goes much, much deeper than that. Bear with me.

Regret can come with or without guilt

As I explained in the post on Guilt, we often feel badly about past events because we have a skewed view of the options that were available to us at the time. We judge ourselves and sometimes others based on our current view, NOT on the actual perspective we had access to at the time. When we wish we’d done things differently, when we blame ourselves for how things turned out, we experience guilt AND regret.

But regret can come without guilt as well. Regret is simply looking at past events, judging them and wishing that things had happened differently. It doesn’t always come with self blame. We can also regret the actions of others. Or, we can let go of guilt by realizing that, at the time, we really made the best choice possible, but still feel regret that we were in that situation in the first place.

Regret actually happens in the NOW

Before we move on to changing the past, let’s take a quick look at the actual dynamics of regret. Sure, we’re looking back on past events, but the feeling that focus is generating is actually being generated in the NOW. In fact, the whole reason we’re looking back at all is because something in our NOW isn’t the way we want it to be. So, we look back at our past and try to figure out where it all went wrong, convinced that if this or that had gone differently, our lives right now would be better. Think about that for a moment: Look at an area of your life that you’re really happy with. Were there any incidents in your past where you experienced pain on that subject? Of course there were. Do you regret them? Or, having found happiness on that topic, do you see how those more difficult events actually brought you exactly where you are today? In short, if you’re really satisfied about something, you generally won’t have any regrets. But, if you’re not satisfied in some way, if you’re feeling that something is missing or you should be further along by now, you go looking for something or someone to blame. And the past makes for a convenient target.

Releasing regret

I’m going to give you a series of questions that can help you release regret. And, because I like to make it all practical and shit, I’m going to add example answers, so you can see the technique in action.

I’m going to use an example from my own life, something I used to regret but no longer do:

When I was in the 8th grade, I realized that I was bored out of my skull in school. I had come from Germany to the US two years earlier, and although I’d had to learn the language, my academic knowledge was far advanced to the school system I’d been placed in. So, I had the idea that I could skip the 9th grade, hopefully giving me a bit more of a challenge and causing me to graduate a year earlier to boot. My teacher, however, advised against it, telling me I’d have to go to summer school and that I’d be a social outcast. I’d entered school a year early, and was always a year younger than everyone, so this would’ve meant that I’d be two years younger than everyone else. My mom and I listened to her.

The result was that I was so bored in high school, that I ended up skipping more school than I attended. I stopped excelling in school, and even let my grades slide to a 3.0 (I could easily have gotten a 4.0). The only academic subject I still put any effort into was math. I loved math, and planned on majoring in it in college. Until, that is, another helpful teacher told me that all I could hope to do with a mathematics degree was to teach math (presumably because I was a girl). Mind you, this was before the internet, and I had no idea how to research the information I would’ve needed to contradict this opinion. Disheartened, I gave up math, as well, and ended up getting a theater scholarship (I ended up dropping out and taking a year off before going back and ultimately studying business after a detour into pre-law.)

Years later, when I was going through some tough times and I questioned my life choices, I looked back on those two teachers. I blamed them for giving me such obviously horrible advice, for projecting their own limitations onto me and I regretted my decision to listen to them. If only I’d been stronger. If only there had been someone who would’ve taken an interest in me. If only I hadn’t given up…

Questions to help you release regret

Knowing that the issue you’re really dealing with is some kind of dissatisfaction in your NOW, it makes sense to start there. Think of something you regret and ask yourself the following questions. My example answers will come from the frame of mind I was in when I still regretted these events. I’ll give you my current perspective at the end.

How would your life be different right NOW if that Past event had gone down differently?

Example answer: I would’ve graduated high school at 16, gotten my Bachelor’s at 20, my graduate degree at 22 and maybe even a doctorate. I almost certainly would’ve continued to study math, and would’ve then had the opportunity to become a computer programmer, and probably would’ve been a freaking millionaire before I was 30. If only it hadn’t been for those stupid teachers, damn it!

Can you know with 100% certainty that this outcome would’ve come true? Can you know for sure that you’d be happier now?

Example answer: Well, no. But that scenario sure feels better than where I am right now, working way too hard for way too little money. I mean, I can’t really be certain that I’d be a millionaire, or that I even would’ve gone into Math. I could’ve been a lawyer, too. I briefly changed my major to Pre-Law. Still, I would’ve graduated really early, and I wouldn’t have let my studies slide. I may have gotten a scholarship to an Ivy League School and had my pick of jobs when I got out!

Is it at all possible that you’re romanticizing the choices you would’ve made? Would that one incident really have changed everything about you? Did you not have limiting beliefs that still would’ve manifested?

Example answer: Ok, yes. I didn’t have very good self esteem, which is why I listened to those teachers in the first place. And, I was painfully shy back then, so going into a field like math would’ve probably fed that side of me, causing me to become a total introverted geek, which isn’t my normal state. I would’ve continued to hide from the world. That whole lawyer idea only came after I’d been out in the world a little. Also, now that you mention it, I’ve been exposed to programming enough to know that I wouldn’t have enjoyed it at all. I thrive on the interaction with others. Honestly, if I’d maintained my protective, fearful behavior, shutting myself away from society and submersed myself in a world of anti-social technology (geeks were not chic back then, y’all), I probably would’ve ended up incredibly depressed.

If nothing else had changed except those two decisions, I suppose my life wouldn’t have turned out all roses and puppy hugs. I suppose I’ve been assuming that by changing those two decisions, everything else would’ve changed magically with them. But that’s kind of unlikely, isn’t it?

Is it possible that having made different choices, that your life now would actually be worse?

Example answer: Yeah, I guess that is possible. Had I gone an academic route, I never would’ve found my way to being more outgoing again. I would’ve let my fears rule my life. I could, conceivably, be trapped in a field that makes me really unhappy. And had I actually gotten a doctorate, the likelihood that I’d be willing to change careers would’ve been slim.

Is it not possible that right now, even though your situation isn’t quite where you want it to be, that you’re actually on your way to what you want, and that the event you’re regretting was actually the perfect catalyst to getting you another step closer?   

Example answer: Well, it’s a bit of a stretch, but I suppose it is possible. I mean, maybe I am on my way to what I want right now. Maybe I’m not done and right now, I’m just going through a rough patch on the road to what I want. I guess I’ve kind of been assuming that I screwed up my life, but what if I didn’t? What if I’m on my way to something even better than being an unhappy but rich computer programmer?

There are no regrets when you’re happy

It’s so interesting to look back at that time in my life, the time when I had those kinds of regrets, from my current perspective. Regarding this example subject – my career, I have obviously found my passion now. I’m deliriously happy about what I do and wouldn’t change it for the world. And from that point of view, it’s easy for me to see how those teachers were not only perfect mirrors to how powerless I felt at the time and for years later (I felt as if they had abused their authority to get me to make bad decisions), but how they actually did me a favor, steering me away from a path that would’ve kept me from becoming who I am now. And I LOVE who I am now, so I can’t really regret anything (which would be every detail of my life) that brought me to this point.

In short, people who are happy, don’t have regrets. Of course, you can be happy in one area of your life and not another.

This whole process becomes a little more complicated when you regret something that happened to someone else, like your child. In that case, you’d need to forgive the person who hurt them,  and then go through this series of questions on their behalf. Since, however, it’s much harder to answer these questions for someone else, because you can’t ever really know how they feel or what their experience is, it’s much easier if you make them a part of the exercise. This way, you may actually discover that you feel worse about their past than they do and are seeing them as more damaged by those events than they see themselves. That can be quite the wake up call.

Take the shortcut

Regret is a dis-empowering emotion. You are essentially saying that your NOW is all messed up because of something happened in the past and that there’s nothing you can do about it. If your NOW isn’t the way you want it to be, start focusing on what you want instead of all the reasons you can dredge up of how this or that held you back. You don’t need to find the vibration of what your life would’ve been like if you had made a different decision, because you have no way of accurately knowing what that would’ve been like. Just take the shortcut and go straight for what you want NOW. What’s causing your NOW to not feel good? What do you want instead right now? What does that feel like? Focus on that and feel good. That’s all you really have to do.

Changing your past

But, it can be helpful to put the past in a different perspective. And as you do so, you change your past. Sure, those teachers are still a part of my life’s story. But, I no longer see them as ignorant abusers of authority who messed up my whole life. I see them as unwitting angels who nudged me away from a direction that wouldn’t have led me to where I wanted to go. Our reality is filled with such angels. And by shifting my perspective this way, I no longer regret what happened. I have no negative emotion about it. My experience of those teachers has been forever altered and so, my past has changed. Where it used to be flawed and full of pain, now I see mostly perfection and light. And no, this isn’t at all the same as pretending that my past was more positive than it was. I still see all the painful events and I can acknowledge that the pain existed. It’s just that the pain is no longer part of my NOW.

What do you regret? Have you been able to release any regrets in your life? Share in the comments and discuss! :)

 

{ 32 comments }

mopeychild October 28, 2012 at 14:03

i do sometimes regret things i said..that one line that soured a perfect freindship(s), or that one line that led to a boyfriend suddenly breaking up with me.
how do you release regret like that? especially if you ARE miserable right now?

Melody Fletcher October 28, 2012 at 17:19

Hey Mopey,

If one line was able to destroy a friendship, it wasn’t perfect. You’re looking back with hindsight goggles (read the post on guilt I linked to above). One line also will not generally get someone to break up with you. It may have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I assure you, there were other issues going on as well. You release regret by broadening your perspective of what happened. Understanding that there were other issues, instead of blaming the break up on that one thing you said.

Then, figure out what you want NOW and focus on that. Period. :)

Huge hugs,
Melody
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mopeychild October 28, 2012 at 18:40

but a relationship being perfect o not is a very relative thingy right?
what if almost ALL of my relationships are like that..that they ended suddenly due to something being said? but they still cudve been ‘perfect’ for me while they lasted right?

Dusty October 29, 2012 at 18:40

Mopeychild,

Let’s breakout the could’ve machine. If he stayed with you six months more, a year, ten years longer, would the moment this relationship ended suck any more or less? What are all the possibilities? It’s possible you could have been happier for a little bit longer, maybe. With all possibilities being equal, you could have found out he likes to have sex with chickens while watching Sponge bob. Possibilities are endless and take up a lot of energy.

I’m going to let you off the hook. He broke up with you because it right for him. What was said was just the excuse to release himself from blame. You believing that was you is your attempt to control what feels out of control. The thought goes something like this “If you could fix what you broke then it would be all good again.”

Almost all of your relationships are like this because this is what you focus on which brings more to you.

Turn your focus on you. He can’t make you happy, it’s not his job. This sucks, it really does. It would be so much easier if it was someone else’s job. Since it isn’t someone else’s job, you have to do the heavy lifting. You have to make you happy. Inviting others into your life is just an enhancement. They enhance what is already there. If you haven’t worked on your own happiness then you are making it someone else’s job. It’s like saying a bracelet is an entire outfit. Most laws do not agree.

Begin with the simple questions: what makes me happy? Notice it and bring more of it into your life. What is good about your life as it is right now? Bring more of that into your life. What do you enjoy about your life? Focus on these aspects.

Melody Fletcher October 30, 2012 at 02:48

Hey Mopey,

I agree with Dusty. And you. Your relationships were a perfect match to your vibration at the time. But NOT to what you truly want. If you had stayed in them, you would not have gotten what you truly want. Release them – if you want to move toward what you want, you have to let go of those relationships that didn’t match that.

You may have manifested break ups like this over and over because you have a tendency to beat up on yourself and these breakups helped you to do that. They were mirroring this tendency back to you.

Figure out what you want, what you truly want, and then practice focusing on that. Your relationships will show you how close you are. If someone gravitates out, know that it’s just to make room for someone better, and that your work is paying off.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Will October 28, 2012 at 14:42

I had regrets for a long time about not having finished University (I’m a lazy bum when it comes to doing stuff others want me to do!) and gone on to get a good job in my field. I still feel twinges of envy for those that did things I would have liked to get into – dang I’d still like a wind tunnel to play with – but after a while you realise that if you’re happy doing whatever it is you like, even if things don’t work out perfectly every day, so be it and just enjoy it. My Mum got frustrated about not having been to Uni herself and this affected us kids too. Pressure. The way it worked out for me was to have four bright strapping lads and be able to do my own thing most of the time albeit struggling for cash…
So yes, it’s daft to think that you would have been better off if-things-had-been-different because it just shifts your attention from what fun you can have right now!

Melody Fletcher October 30, 2012 at 02:49

Hey Will,

The belief that one can’t be successful without Uni is just that – a belief. Look at all the billionaires we have now who didn’t graduate! ;)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Kat October 28, 2012 at 15:41

Hey Melody,

Regret is the worst feeling! It leads you to depression if it rules your life and really does set you back once depression hits, because you are basically non-functional.

You story certainly appealed to me. You are definitely one happy shiny puppy, no regrets there! On the topic of education, who’s to say one can’t go back to school to finish something? This does not apply directly to you, but I have known many people who were in programs, dropped out, and then went back to finish. They got clarity when they left school for a while and then were inspired to return. It happens all the time. The opportunities are there if you want them. So, I totally understand and agree with your statement to focus on what you want.

Sometimes, you need to leave something the universe grants you in order to fully appreciate what you have and not be bored by it. Students go into something a but immature and young, not appreciating it for what it is. When you leave it and experience other things, many times you realize that the original thing really was for you, and no one is stopping you from doing it when you are truly inspired to go it. There is a world of a difference in these two perspectives. Inspired action is awesome. Being bored out if your mind is not!

Abe always says to change your past, tell a different story. Yup, this all resonates with me. Life leads you to where you need to be, so there is nothing to regret let alone fret. I felt that way myself, but no longer do. Sometimes you have to build character to go into a field first. There are no limitations and no one can stop an inspired person, so there is always a way where there is inspiration.

Melody Fletcher October 30, 2012 at 02:52

Hey Kat,

Right on. I actually dropped out of college, and then went back to a different school the next year. Best thing I ever did. I wasn’t happy and I realized it. Also, there was no way I could decide at 17 what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. As it was, I changed careers several times. And I NEVER could’ve predicted this, lol!!

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Kenneth Vogt October 28, 2012 at 17:11

Regret is a form of pain but guilt is a form of suffering. Pain is a message and that makes it useful. Suffering is not required at all to benefit from pain.

I am compelled to offer a different opinion than one of the other commenters. Regret doesn’t feel bad at all. It is the guilt about the regret that feels so terrible. Forgo the guilt, get the benefit from the regret, and it’s all peaches and gravy.

See a little more about this here: http://www.veraclaritas.com/pain-vs-suffering/
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Melody Fletcher October 30, 2012 at 02:54

Hey Kenneth,

I would disagree on that. Regret isn’t always tied to guilt. You can regret something that someone else did. For example, I felt no guilt at all about deciding not to study math. I felt anger and blame. Regret, in and of itself, is a sign of dissatisfaction with your current life. That doesn’t feel good, so I wouldn’t classify it as peaches and gravy, lol. But I do agree that it can contain valuable information. Find out what that is, shift to a better feeling thought and the regret will lift.

Thanks for sharing your perspective.

Huge hugs,
Melody
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Kenneth Vogt October 30, 2012 at 05:56

Hey Melody,

I think we are saying basically the same thing. I was unclear if what you heard me say is that guilt is always the suffering that follows the pain of regret. As you noted, regret could be followed by anger and blame. The point is there is no suffering required from mere regret. Yes, there is pain and pain hurts. But suffering is far worse and the shift away from suffering is the lion’s share. The final shift away from pain will be small by comparison. If we can avoid the suffering in the first place, then we will find that we release pain far more readily.

Cheers,
Kenneth
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Dusty October 30, 2012 at 08:31

Regret is a part of guilt but not all regret is guilt.

Short term regret is usually characterized by anger, embarrassment, self blame, ruminating but also can contain positive rational. (I didn’t go for the math degree but I did something better.)

The older the regret is the deeper the emotional platform. This is where the idea of guilt and regret can become a vin diagram. This aged regret is usually characterized by self blame, idealized deficiencies (If only I were smarter, taller, marisa tomei…), helplessness, desperation and dissonance (the difference between expectation and reality-could’ve/would’ve/should’ves) caused by the belief there was an action to take that was passed up.

This long term regret can have physical effects since it releases the stress hormone, cortisol. This not only makes you fat ( like the commercial says) but undermines immunity, memory and could create heart problems.

Guilt is usually caused by a questioning one’s ethics. A duty not fulfilled (deontological guilt or a broken moral absolute) or a lapse in judgement or inability to protect or guard another. (altruistic guilt) They may have some of the same symptoms but only guilt lights up cingulate gyrus and medial frontal cortex. There is even a school of thought that OCD may actually be a psychopathological manifestation of guilt. (Guilts the one with the big machine guns.)

Melody Fletcher October 31, 2012 at 17:53

Hey Kenneth,

I think you’re right. Same message, different words. Don’t you just love it when that happens? :)

Huge hugs,
Melody

Aylin October 28, 2012 at 18:50

I had tons of regrets from the past from the choice of college and profession to relationships esp. announcing the guy who left me immediately as ”bad” or accusing him.
first I have been mad at my father for a long time about giving me an advice about choosing the english language teaching department at university.Because I strongly felt I should study translation at the certain city and the certain university then.(Now I feel I wanted it because my role model super populer and cool friend was studying it ).Anyway now I feel blessed every day when I feel my students’ super energy pouring down on me :) So now I stopped accusing my dad and feel more confident reading you or listening to Abraham.No need to act like anybody to feel cool :) :)
When it comes to relationships I want to thank to all of my boy friends who left me or disappeared suddenly because if it weren’t the case I wouldn’t be here,this peaceful and growing :)
I guess I’ve come a long way since I stopped regretting the past:):) of course with the help of my spiritual teachers.God bless you:)
Huge hugs & love.

Melody Fletcher October 30, 2012 at 02:55

Wow Aylin,

That was beautiful. And thanking all your exes – brilliant! :)

Huge hugs!!

Melody
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H. October 29, 2012 at 13:04

Hello!

What you describe is like falling in love. In that moment we even thank the inconsiderate bastards in our lives that set us free to this amazing experience. LOL :P We no longer care if they live better lifes than ours, if they found a new love and we are all sad and alone and feeling broken – all resentment is gone. Of course, it’s better when we do this on our own.

This has been one of my major shifts this year – confronting it and doing that on my own. Be honest with myself and letting go of “control”. I also see resentment as a need for control on our own lifes and seeing what happens in the lifes of others – and we are not seeing the big picture! – as a clue to our own worth and happiness. A very human and common trait, painful and that lacks sense.

Fall in love with ourselves may sound (it still sounds to me) like a lame cliché, but it is so true.

Kisses!

Melody Fletcher October 30, 2012 at 02:57

Hey H!

It’s not a cliche at all! And it’s not very common, either. But it totally rocks! :)

Huge hugs!!
Melody
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Aylin October 29, 2012 at 18:14

It may be cliche but it’s so true.we have to love ourselves.Nowadays I’m working on it and on forgiving.So,I started to experience resistance.I am a little bit confused.I hope it is temporary.:) Thank you all….
You know what they say.:The best revenge is to live well:)
Love.

Kat October 29, 2012 at 18:30

I am in a very loving mode myself. Each of us is awesome and this life is awesome, man!

Melody Fletcher October 30, 2012 at 02:58

Ah Aylin, it’s perfect!

As you move toward what you want, any resistance you have toward that will come up to be released. It’s a good thing! Pay attention to it and release it. What’s coming up? What are you feeling? What do you want to feel instead? But don’t push too hard. If you can’t figure it out, distract yourself with something that feels good. It’ll all come up in time.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Dusty October 29, 2012 at 19:00

When I want to play the could’ve, would’ve, should’ve game with myself, I remind myself of dating.

In my late teens, I met this guy. He was so gorgeous, he made Brad Pitt look like a slouch. I swear, angels were weeping as this guy crossed the room. He came over to to me and started talking. He asked what I was studying… He actually said “Cognitive science? You girls and your make up. Isn’t there enough without you having to make more?” This hit me so hard my eyes crossed, literally. He even asked if I had a lazy eye problem. I had the urge to stay and stare at him. Being true to who I was, I just held up my hand and excused myself from his company.

In some other dimension, I have a beautiful husband telling our children “wave good-bye to mommy. She’s going to going to make make up.”

Thank GAWD I exist in this dimension!

Alice October 29, 2012 at 23:24

Wow.
This would not give you a good impression of men!

I’ve never liked anyone like that, but have had a guy come up to me while I was waiting for my then boyfriend (also in late teens) and attempt to “pick me up”

In his “attempt” he:

a) ignored my comment about waiting for my boyfriend (who was as smart as a tack, unlike the picker-uper)

b) got into a conversation with me about art and religion as those are my interests. When speaking about those things he told me how he likes to paint about religious struggles between the “two most important religions” which to him were Islam and Christianity, because “that’s what all the wars are about”
I got the impression he was on camp Islam. Now this “oil painter of religious scenes” said the thing that made me openly face-palm:
“Buddhism is not important, because there have never been any wars over Buddhism” then stared at my breasts. Trying to sound like an intellectual artiste’ when you aren’t to pick up a “hot chick” = fail.

I excused myself, with a sudden attack of idoiotisis. Of course this made my boyfriend look even better and gave me a funny story to tell him, so it wasn’t that bad of a thing. :-)

Melody Fletcher October 30, 2012 at 03:01

LOL Dusty, that’s great. I love the idea of spending some time thinking of how life might’ve turned out had we gone down the bad or annoying roads, just as an exercise to teach us that making different decisions wouldn’t necessarily turn out well. Ha, ha.

Huge hugs!!

Melody
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Dusty October 31, 2012 at 14:53

People want to believe if you turn left instead of right, your life would be perfect. The truth is your life would be different but since you are you, many aspects would still be the same. I try never to go down the dissonance path if it doesn’t entertain me.

Laura October 30, 2012 at 04:23

I used to regret not graduating college, but not so much anymore. I think I more regret not going away to school and experiencing that. But knowing where I was at back then, it’s pretty clear why I didn’t. So I guess what I really regret is not being that kinda kid.

I’ve also regretted not taking a particular job offered to me years ago, but I’m going to work with your scenario next time I feel the regret around this thing. That’s a big one because like you were going through the money thing and all that, it’s something I MAY have been successful at monetarily. But there are a lot of questions around would it have really been a good fit? etc.

And then there’s the ‘relationship’ regrets in the beginning of this last break up, blaming myself, taking more than my share of the responsibility, and then blaming him. I’m focusing more on me recently, but when I get into regret and the “I should of, could have done something different” line of thinking, I so realize that if it hadn’t ended, (one or the other walking away)I think since he wasn’t able to take ANY responsibility, my regrets would’ve been worse later. The relationship or more aptly, the interaction, would’ve been an emotional disaster for me.

Could things have gone down a different path? Anything is possible, but not likely.

This is a great perspective on an issue I’ve dealt with quite a bit. Thanks again for the insight Mello:)

Hugs,
Laura

Melody Fletcher October 31, 2012 at 17:46

You’re so welcome Laura! It does take time to let go of regrets. The steps I mentioned in this post aren’t generally meant to be done in a few minutes. But just making the decision that you’re going to let something go (really making the decision, not just saying it…) already starts the process. :)

Proud of you!

Huge hugs,
Melody
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Figgy October 30, 2012 at 10:13

Hi Melody, thanks for reading my post and replying :) . You’ve made me see that because of my strong attachment, it brought out a lot of pain and that probably lead me to my outburst. But isn’t it possible, to just have a really nasty moment in you and some horrible things come out, some of which you may believe to be true and that because I didn’t get the chance to say sorry n left it with her that I wasn’t sorry, that I should carry this guilt with me. After all, I’ve basically wiped those 18yrs away by saying something I felt covered over all tht gd stuff tht we shared. I know this comes across really negative, I don’t want to feel like this, it eats me up. I’m currently going through bereavement councelling and I’m finding that helps me, but often I feel a brief reprieve then go back to the guilt. Anyways, il try n keep my chin up! :)
Figgy

Melody Fletcher October 31, 2012 at 17:51

Figgy, ask any parent if they believe that their child could undo 18 years of being loved by them with one outburst. Honestly, 100% of them will look at you like you’re nuts. Your mother KNEW what was going on. You didn’t, but she did. And if she didn’t consciously know it in that moment, she knew it after she died. And there is no part of her that wants to see you keep punishing yourself.

Think about it from her perspective. You have a child, whom you love more than life itself. That child gets angry or is hurt about something and lets it out on you. Do you now really want that kid to punish himself forever for that outburst? Or would you forgive him and want him to have a happy life? Put yourself in the shoes of a parent for a second and think: is there anything your baby could do that would make you want them to be in pain?

I’m glad you’re in grief counseling and getting help with this. It’ll make a big difference in your life. :)

Huge hugs,
Melody

Figgy October 31, 2012 at 19:09

Hi Melody,
Thanks again for the reply! Yeah everyone keeps telling me that as a parent, it’s unconditional love and that nothing can take that away, I guess il understand that better if I have kids myself.
And yes the councelling I’m sure will help and I wish I’d only done it sooner.
My mum was a mumsy mum and yeah she most certainly loved me more than life itself.
But she was also very sensitive, (probably a trait I inherited) so I know that she’d be hurt by what I said. The thing I struggle to untangle is my intentions. I certainly became worried about how I would leave things with her and on this day while thinking of all the worst things I could say, maybe a stumbled on something I really felt and went with it and then tried to cover that emotion up and trap myself by claiming “yeah and the reason I’m here with u now is to tell u the truth while iv got a chance n oh I’m only visiting u cos I’ve had to with dad bringing me but now ur alone with me iv been wanting to say..” Really nasty stuff like that! How could I do that?? To someone who was always there for me and who I came home to my whole life.

After living with this guilt for years, but suppressing it, pushing it under the surface, telling myself, she would just know and things like she knows u never say a nasty word t any1!
But I had a flashback recently to it and it did feel like how I left it that day, like I trapped every possible way she could see any good in me and that what I said to her felt real and maybe even to this day if she was still here it’d be real. And it shouldn’t be, she doesn’t deserve that!
I realising I’m waffleing a bit now so il shut up, but this is literally eating me up and I’m losing friends and respect off a lot of ppl over being this ‘imprisoned’ in my thoughts.
I want to come out of it so bad but feel like I need this punishment for such a terrible thing I did! She would of left so sad if she really felt all those years were nothing and that I held sumthing against her which I shudnt of.

Thanks for listening
Hugs
Figgy

Melody Fletcher October 31, 2012 at 19:22

Have you considered that you were terrified of losing your mum and lashed out at her as a way of not dealing with that fear and pain? She was the one you were afraid to lose and therefore would’ve made the perfect target – if you could distance yourself from her in some way, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. So you lashed out at her. It doesn’t make sense to the logical mind, but it does to the emotional one.

Figgy October 31, 2012 at 19:34

Yeah i was scared about losing her and seeing the affect the operation had on her was frightening, u don’t think that’ll happen to a loved one.
My problem is I was so obsessed at how bad I could leave things and using my logical brain to do that. Tho I think I touched on something with her where all the effects of the situation and the pain didn’t prompt me or give me an excuse to say nasty stuff to her and she would also know that.
But like I said, we had a fantastic relationship, very rarely argued and she always thought my best quality was that I was so ‘caring’ and I know that I’m not an awful person but for some reason can’t accept how I’ve left things.. Jus so bad!
Xxx

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