Today’s blog post is not for the prude or the easily offended. Bring your children inside, close your curtains and take an extra shower, just in case. Because it’s going to get dirty, people. Sexy dirty, that is. And I would say that if you’re offended by anything remotely sexual than you should maybe skip this one, except that your kind really needs to read this post most of all (“your kind” being people who believe that your naked body is something to be horribly, horribly ashamed of. You know who you are.)
Awesome Dude asks: “Is pornography, sex and masturbation and the like bad? Can you please explain it from an LOA point of view?”
Believe it or not, I’ve received this question a lot in the last couple of years. It’s usually posed by a teenager or young person from a culture that won’t talk about sex. These youngsters are confused and have questions. They feel ashamed of their bodies. They don’t know where to turn and so, presumably in a moment of total desperation, they turn to me. Maybe because they trust that I will tell them the truth. And as heart breaking as it is to realize that a huge number of the generation coming of sexual age have so few people in their lives they can speak openly and honestly about intimate subjects with that they have to turn to a stranger online, and one who posts spiritually inspired images of LOL cats and mixes Star Wars and Jesus references at that, what’s even more surprising is that I also get many such questions from adults. Adults in cultures such as the US and the UK. People who have been married for decades ask me if it’s ok to be dissatisfied with the fact that they’ve never had an orgasm with their partner. They feel guilty for not wanting to have sex as often as their partner, or resentful of their partner who has refused to be intimate for years, but aren’t sure if they’re allowed to feel that way. They’ve resigned themselves to the idea that there’s nothing to be done about it. Only then, they start to read a blog like mine, or any number of books about how you can be happy and how you don’t have sacrifice what you truly want and they begin to wonder if this issue, which they’ve convinced themselves is really no big deal, is actually not such a small thing after all.
LAST CHANCE DISCLAIMER: Today, I’m going to talk to you about sex. And, as usual, I’m going to give it to you straight (or, possibly, just a little gay). Today, more than ever, this is a bullshit free zone. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Also, as always, you’re welcome to disagree with me in the comments. But if you write anything even remotely hateful, I will spam your butt. And yes, I’m aware that in the context of this post, that could totally be taken the wrong way. I’m ok with that. Yeah… it’s going to be THAT kind of post, people.
Sex is freaking awesome
Let’s get the first truth out of the way immediately: Sex is freaking awesome and anyone who claims otherwise is either lying or has some messed up beliefs about sex which are keeping them from enjoying said awesomeness. We should pity such people and give them hugs. But we should not let them talk to our children about sex. In fact, that should be one of the criteria we use to see if you’re qualified to deal with the younger generations, considering that those generations can’t come into being without someone, somewhere having, hopefully enthusiastically, done the nasty.
Lying to children and making them feel ashamed of their bodies and natural (yes, natural) urges is not “protecting them”. It’s sadistic. It’s perpetuating a belief that we are damaged in some way for reasons that are completely beyond our control. So, I’m going to say it again, for young and old: Sex is, or is at least supposed to be, freaking awesome.
The procreation of every species on earth depends on the act of mating. And yet the only animal, insect or vegetable that feels ashamed of this act is the human being. Good God, can we stop that already? Not only does sex feel physically amazing for a reason (so that we’ll have an incentive to do it, duh), but when you add a spiritual component to it, there’s no better way for two people to share a moment of complete and total connection. Even those who are normally as self-aware as a jellyfish have experienced moments of transcendence in the throes of passion. Only then, they often don’t understand what just happened (it’s actually a bit of a quantum leap for many, which can be incredibly stressful), and they get afraid. And this is when they declare sexual pleasure to be dangerous and teach kids that touching themselves will make them go blind, or go to hell, or make God kill kittens or some other such twisted crapola.
Masturbation is freaking awesome
Solo sex, otherwise known as masturbation, is freaking awesome, too. Everyone does it. Seriously. Those who claim they don’t are lying or have some serious issues, which you should in no way adopt. Again, pity them and maybe give them a hug (wash your hands first…). Masturbating is a great way to release stress, to distract yourself from your troubles, to raise your vibration, to induce a nap (which will do both of the previous two points), to keep out of trouble (would you rather your kids masturbate or do drugs? Think about it…), to get to know your own sexual preferences, or to just do something that feels good. Babies masturbate. It’s a natural instinct. Animals do it too (ever seen a dog hump a stuffed animal? Yeah… Not to be confused with a dog humping your leg. That’s not technically masturbation, since there is, you know, a partner of sorts, albeit an unwilling one. It’s more like leg rape, or leg molestation, really. But I don’t think you’d have much of a sexual harassment suit there, considering that the dog is generally much smaller than you and you could fairly easily overpower it and remove its enthusiastically humping body from yours. I’d think the stuffed animal would have one hell of a case, though… I seem to have gone horribly, horribly off point here.)
From an LOA point of view, here’s the deal: You are supposed to feel good. And anything that makes you feel truly good, which means anything that feels amazing and isn’t hurting anyone else (acting from a place of connection to spirit will NEVER result in the harm of another) should be done often and with gusto. And that includes consensual sex and masturbation (the latter should also always be consensual, in case that wasn’t clear. Please, do not sexually harass yourself. )
Let me clear up a few myths:
If you touch yourself:
- God will not kill any kittens
- You will NOT go blind
- You will not be more likely to turn into a sexual deviant (in fact, the opposite is true. More on that later.)
- You will not go to hell (because God is not some kind of horrific sadist who decided to make something feel better than chocolate covered heroin but then asked us to prove our worthiness to Him by abstaining from that thing. That’s like buying a super awesome toy filled with sugary bits of Harry Potter for your child, whom you love, and then burning them with cigarettes if they play with it. God is not an asshole. And yes, I know I’ll get letters for that one. I’m saying it anyway. Someone freaking has to.)
And the same thing goes for consenting sex. All of it. I don’t care what your fetish is, what turns you on, floats your boat, makes our world go round and round, it’s allowed. Want to swing from the ceiling? That’s ok! Wear silly rubber or furry costumes? Go for it! Play with balloons (this is a real thing, y’all). Hell yes, I say. Look at nudie pictures? Hot damn! Watch copious amounts of porn? It’s all good. Yes, really. Sex should be playful, using the full faculties of our powerful imaginations. And that’s only possible if we don’t limit what we think about.
And please keep in mind that thinking about something and actually doing it are not the same thing. So, someone may love to fantasize about being raped (this is very common), and yet NEVER in a million years actually want to experience that. If, in their fantasy, they are turned on and not actually terrified, they are not going to inadvertently be lining themselves up with an actual rape experience. That kind of fantasy has a lot more to do with giving ourselves permission to give up control, to let go, if you will. Keep this in mind, as well, if a partner shares their fantasy with you. A fantasy scenario often doesn’t translate at all into the same experience in a literal sense. As with everything, it comes down the feelings that are being generated.
And if an activity turns you off, that’s ok, too. You don’t have to do it or think about it. But that doesn’t mean it’s “sick” or “perverted”. You don’t call people who eat brussel sprouts deviants, just because you happen to prefer broccoli. Or maybe you do. In that case, stop being so judgy. Remember that somewhere, someone thinks that something you love is totally gross. Think about THAT.
When sex is damaging
While sex and sex related activities are not, intrinsically bad, it is, of course, possible to use sex to express resistance. Just like with any activity that can and should be enjoyable, sex can become twisted, obsessive and damaging under certain circumstances. Rape is sex used to gain power and control. It’s about violence and has nothing to do with pleasure. Sex addiction happens when people are using sex to avoid something incredibly painful that they’re not willing or ready to deal with. It becomes an obsession, a kind of loss of control. And people who engage in sexual aggressions, like flashers, or pedophiles, basically those who do damage with sex, also come from places of great pain.
How we create sexual deviants
If you look at different cultures, you’ll see that those countries that are the most sexually repressed have the most extreme sexual behavior. Some of the, ok, I’ll just say it, weirdest porn available comes from Japan, a country that prides itself on privacy and proper behavior. The US has some of the most puritanical beliefs running through its psyche, and kids as young as ten engaging in sexual behavior (this is not, in my opinion, motivated by actual pleasure, but by a pressure to fit in and be approved of by their peers or to get attention.) Sex is about freedom, freedom to be ourselves, to experience primal pleasure, which is our birthright. The more we suppress that freedom, the bigger the backlash will be. The answer isn’t to become more puritanical, or to “protect” our children from more sex, but to foster truly healthy attitudes towards it. No, I’m not saying that a ten year old should be watching porn, but if they’ve managed to see some, explain it to them. Talk to them about it. Take the mystery out of it and be less weird about it. Make it less of a taboo, less of a big deal and more of a natural process we can all enjoy. When we make people feel ashamed of themselves, just for who they naturally are, it will always lead to a great deal of pain. And pain leads to extreme ways of lashing out.
But, the point also needs to be made that those who use sex in a damaging way are by far in the great minority. Sure, they get a lot of press, but relatively speaking, the number of sexual deviants is very, very small. Let’s not demonize the act of sex because some people use it in a damaging way. If we used that logic in other areas, we’d have to:
- Tell people to stop eating food because some people have eating disorders. Some people have gotten fat from food. Oh, and then there’s the danger of food fights. Best to get rid of all food entirely, just to be safe.
- Stop going to the doctor. There have been reported cases of medical negligence, where the patient was actually worse off for having gone to an M.D. Better not to ever trust traditional medicine again. Choking to death? Don’t you dare do the Heimlich Maneuver! It was invented by a doctor and we all know they can’t be trusted.
- Kill all puppies. Somewhere someone got bitten by a dog. Let’s not take any chances.
- Kill all babies at birth. People have murdered people. We just can’t trust ourselves.
Now, you may think I’m exaggerating to make a point, and that’s understandable, given that I do tend to use that tactic a lot. But here’s the thing: I’m not. Declaring sex, one of the most beautiful and beneficial physical experiences EVER to be bad because of a few degenerates is just fucking insane. Yes, I used the f-word. If I can’t use it in this post, when can I?
But wait! What about STD’s? What about AIDS?
This would be the perfect time to point out that it’s no coincidence that after hundreds of years of demonizing the act of making love and expressing ourselves sexually, that we’d manifest diseases that would actually render sex dangerous. That’s right people. STD’s are manifestations, too. And AIDS was not GOD’s way of punishing homosexuals. It’s not a punishment at all. It’s simply a manifestation that shows us how we feel about sex: we are afraid of it and have been, for a long, long time. But, there’s no need to despair. We also invented the solution to this problem, and actually did so, thousands of years before we truly needed it on the level we do today: The humble condom or love glove, as it likes to be called (ok, I like to call it that).
So, when I encourage people to have all the sex they want, solo, duo or groupo, I’m not saying that they should start humping anything that moves indiscriminately. I don’t advocate doing anything indiscriminately. I teach deliberate, conscious action which is aligned with Who You Really Are. And when you look at sex through those eyes, you don’t just grab any old partner. You attract those who you’re compatible with so sex can be freaking awesome! You figure out how you truly feel, which may mean admitting how you feel for the first time in your life and you honor those emotions. You give yourself permission to feel good, whatever that means to you, and I mean TOTALLY good. This means having sex in an environment that’s comfortable to you in every way. This means feeling safe, feeling sexy, knowing what you want and being ok with that, using sex for pure pleasure instead of as a weapon or a way to get attention or to feel loved when you really don’t. It means being totally conscious. This is sex on a whole different level. It’s inspired sex.
What, pray tell, is inspired sex?
Inspired sex is just what it sounds like: sexual action that results from being aligned with Who You Really Are. Just like inspired action results from such alignment, so does inspired sex. Let me explain: If you want a car, and you visualize having that car in a way that feels truly and totally good to you (meaning there are no contradictory thoughts), or you focus on the core of WHY you want that car in the same way, you may be inspired to take some action that will get you that car. Of course, the car can manifest in many ways, only some of which will require action from you, but if your action is part of the process of manifesting that car, then you will be inspired to take it. This type of action is easy, fun and nearly automatic. You don’t even have to make the decision to take it, it just kind of happens. You stop and talk to a person and later wonder what made you do that. You didn’t even really consciously decide to, but the conversation led to you getting the car of your dreams.
When you line up your energy with the vibration of what sex represents to you (generally connection and pleasure), you will manifest the perfect partner whom such a connection will be possible with. And providing you don’t offer any contradictory thoughts, such as “Sex is bad”, your body will respond and get super turned on. That’s a manifestation, too. Of course, if sex represents a way of controlling someone to you, or if you have a lot of limiting beliefs or guilt around sex or whatever sex represents, then that will manifest, too. In that case, you’re missing out on the pure awesomeness that sex can be.
If you’re having bad sex, it’s because you’re not having sex from a place of alignment. Period.
A little sexy FAQ:
Do you have to be in love to have inspired sex?
No. You just have to NOT be offering any thoughts that contradict the pure awesomeness of sex. This does not require that you be in love. It could mean that there’s some kind of emotional connection between the consenting parties, but even that’s not necessary depending on what you truly want.
What if not all parties are inspired? Could I be inspired and my partner not?
Not really, no. Because if you’re aligned with an experience of connection and pure pleasure, than your partner(s) have to be a match to that, too. But it’s not your job to inspire them. Just work on your own energy and let LOA bring your partner to you when they’re in the same frame of mind.
Is inspired sex always consensual sex?
Yes. When you are aligned with Who You Really Are, any actions that arise from that alignment will always only be beneficial to all concerned. It’s not possible to be in alignment and inflict harm.
Do you need a partner to have inspired sex?
God no. You can be inspired to masturbate, to have amazing fantasies, to watch a specific porno which rocks your world like nothing ever has, etc. The key is the alignment, which will change the experience to a supremely awesome one. In fact, I would argue that if you can’t have fun by yourself, it may be kind of hard for you to have fun with someone else. Often, getting comfy on your own can HELP you to gain a greater level of comfort around others, if you know what I mean.
How do I teach my kids about inspired sex?
Tell them the truth. Tell them sex is awesome when done under the right circumstances, meaning that they feel truly comfortable, safe and like they really want to be there. Give them permission to say no if they feel pressured, because then it won’t be awesome. Don’t lie to them and tell them that sex is awful unless you’re married, or that they have to be 25 to have sex. Teach them about condoms, so they don’t have to be afraid of sex. Answer their questions and/or buy them books. Let them explore information online (I know it’s scary, but the more restrictive you are about sex, the more curious they’re going to get and the more likely they are to seek out the really, really gross stuff online. If they have a healthy relationship to their bodies and sex in general, they’ll almost certainly be turned off by that kind of thing. Most teens are computer savvy enough to get around parental controls, so they’re going to be surfing for this stuff anyway. The best you can hope for is that they know they can talk openly and honestly with you about it. If you’re not weird about it, you’ll make it less weird for them.)
If your kids are little, don’t tell them to cover up their bodies for God’s sakes. It instills the idea that their bodies are dirty and shameful. You can teach a child that there’s appropriate behavior in public and things they may only want to do in private, but that’s not the same as sending the message that their bodies are dirty or that others will disapprove of it. You can explain that some people may get uncomfortable with nakedness in public because they, themselves, don’t like their bodies. This does necessitate that you are comfortable in your own skin, as well. If your three year old walks in on you in the shower, don’t throw a fit and scream at them to get out. Let them see you be ok with your body. Teach my example. Kids will naturally become more shy as they get older (especially around the parent of the opposite sex). Let them find their comfort level naturally and at their own pace. If they’re not aligned with trying to shock others, they won’t engage in behavior that does so.
Sex is awesome, be it with yourself or others, as long as you do it from a place of alignment. We are meant to feel good, and yet somehow, we’ve managed to demonize the one activity that we can all pretty much universally enjoy. Let’s stop that cycle, shall we? Go on with your bad, nasty, sexy self and go and get laid already. You know you want to. Tell them your friendly neighborhood LOA coach said it was ok.