Bowchicabowow, Or, It’s Time I Told You The Truth About The Birds And The Bees

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by Melody Fletcher on October 23, 2012

 

Today’s blog post is not for the prude or the easily offended. Bring your children inside, close your curtains and take an extra shower, just in case. Because it’s going to get dirty, people. Sexy dirty, that is. And I would say that if you’re offended by anything remotely sexual than you should maybe skip this one, except that your kind really needs to read this post most of all (“your kind” being people who believe that your naked body is something to be horribly, horribly ashamed of. You know who you are.)

Awesome Dude asks: “Is pornography, sex and masturbation and the like bad? Can you please explain it from an LOA point of view?”

Believe it or not, I’ve received this question a lot in the last couple of years. It’s usually posed by a teenager or young person from a culture that won’t talk about sex. These youngsters are confused and have questions. They feel ashamed of their bodies. They don’t know where to turn and so, presumably in a moment of total desperation, they turn to me. Maybe because they trust that I will tell them the truth. And as heart breaking as it is to realize that a huge number of the generation coming of sexual age have so few people in their lives they can speak openly and honestly about intimate subjects with that they have to turn to a stranger online, and one who posts spiritually inspired images of LOL cats and mixes Star Wars and Jesus references at that, what’s even more surprising is that I also get many such questions from adults. Adults in cultures such as the US and the UK. People who have been married for decades ask me if it’s ok to be dissatisfied with the fact that they’ve never had an orgasm with their partner. They feel guilty for not wanting to have sex as often as their partner, or resentful of their partner who has refused to be intimate for years, but aren’t sure if they’re allowed to feel that way. They’ve resigned themselves to the idea that there’s nothing to be done about it. Only then, they start to read a blog like mine, or any number of books about how you can be happy and how you don’t have sacrifice what you truly want and they begin to wonder if this issue, which they’ve convinced themselves is really no big deal, is actually not such a small thing after all.

LAST CHANCE DISCLAIMER: Today, I’m going to talk to you about sex. And, as usual, I’m going to give it to you straight (or, possibly, just a little gay). Today, more than ever, this is a bullshit free zone. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Also, as always, you’re welcome to disagree with me in the comments. But if you write anything even remotely hateful, I will spam your butt. And yes, I’m aware that in the context of this post, that could totally be taken the wrong way. I’m ok with that. Yeah… it’s going to be THAT kind of post, people.

Sex is freaking awesome

Let’s get the first truth out of the way immediately: Sex is freaking awesome and anyone who claims otherwise is either lying or has some messed up beliefs about sex which are keeping them from enjoying said awesomeness. We should pity such people and give them hugs. But we should not let them talk to our children about sex. In fact, that should be one of the criteria we use to see if you’re qualified to deal with the younger generations, considering that those generations can’t come into being without someone, somewhere having, hopefully enthusiastically, done the nasty.

Lying to children and making them feel ashamed of their bodies and natural (yes, natural) urges is not “protecting them”. It’s sadistic. It’s perpetuating a belief that we are damaged in some way for reasons that are completely beyond our control. So, I’m going to say it again, for young and old: Sex is, or is at least supposed to be, freaking awesome.

The procreation of every species on earth depends on the act of mating. And yet the only animal, insect or vegetable that feels ashamed of this act is the human being. Good God, can we stop that already? Not only does sex feel physically amazing for a reason (so that we’ll have an incentive to do it, duh), but when you add a spiritual component to it, there’s no better way for two people to share a moment of complete and total connection. Even those who are normally as self-aware as a jellyfish have experienced moments of transcendence in the throes of passion. Only then, they often don’t understand what just happened (it’s actually a bit of a quantum leap for many, which can be incredibly stressful), and they get afraid. And this is when they declare sexual pleasure to be dangerous and teach kids that touching themselves will make them go blind, or go to hell, or make God kill kittens or some other such twisted crapola.

Masturbation is freaking awesome

Solo sex, otherwise known as masturbation, is freaking awesome, too. Everyone does it. Seriously. Those who claim they don’t are lying or have some serious issues, which you should in no way adopt. Again, pity them and maybe give them a hug (wash your hands first…). Masturbating is a great way to release stress, to distract yourself from your troubles, to raise your vibration, to induce a nap (which will do both of the previous two points), to keep out of trouble (would you rather your kids masturbate or do drugs? Think about it…), to get to know your own sexual preferences, or to just do something that feels good. Babies masturbate. It’s a natural instinct. Animals do it too (ever seen a dog hump a stuffed animal? Yeah… Not to be confused with a dog humping your leg. That’s not technically masturbation, since there is, you know, a partner of sorts, albeit an unwilling one. It’s more like leg rape, or leg molestation, really. But I don’t think you’d have much of a sexual harassment suit there, considering that the dog is generally much smaller than you and you could fairly easily overpower it and remove its enthusiastically humping body from yours. I’d think the stuffed animal would have one hell of a case, though… I seem to have gone horribly, horribly off point here.)

From an LOA point of view, here’s the deal: You are supposed to feel good. And anything that makes you feel truly good, which means anything that feels amazing and isn’t hurting anyone else (acting from a place of connection to spirit will NEVER result in the harm of another) should be done often and with gusto. And that includes consensual sex and masturbation (the latter should also always be consensual, in case that wasn’t clear. Please, do not sexually harass yourself. )

Let me clear up a few myths:

If you touch yourself:

  • God will not kill any kittens
  • You will NOT go blind
  • You will not be more likely to turn into a sexual deviant (in fact, the opposite is true. More on that later.)
  • You will not go to hell (because God is not some kind of horrific sadist who decided to make something feel better than chocolate covered heroin but then asked us to prove our worthiness to Him by abstaining from that thing. That’s like buying a super awesome toy filled with sugary bits of Harry Potter for your child, whom you love, and then burning them with cigarettes if they play with it. God is not an asshole. And yes, I know I’ll get letters for that one. I’m saying it anyway. Someone freaking has to.)

And the same thing goes for consenting sex. All of it. I don’t care what your fetish is, what turns you on, floats your boat, makes our world go round and round, it’s allowed. Want to swing from the ceiling? That’s ok! Wear silly rubber or furry costumes? Go for it! Play with balloons (this is a real thing, y’all). Hell yes, I say. Look at nudie pictures? Hot damn! Watch copious amounts of porn? It’s all good.  Yes, really. Sex should be playful, using the full faculties of our powerful imaginations. And that’s only possible if we don’t limit what we think about.

And please keep in mind that thinking about something and actually doing it are not the same thing. So, someone may love to fantasize about being raped (this is very common), and yet NEVER in a million years actually want to experience that. If, in their fantasy, they are turned on and not actually terrified, they are not going to inadvertently be lining themselves up with an actual rape experience. That kind of fantasy has a lot more to do with giving ourselves permission to give up control, to let go, if you will. Keep this in mind, as well, if a partner shares their fantasy with you. A fantasy scenario often doesn’t translate at all into the same experience in a literal sense. As with everything, it comes down the feelings that are being generated.

And if an activity turns you off, that’s ok, too. You don’t have to do it or think about it. But that doesn’t mean it’s “sick” or “perverted”. You don’t call people who eat brussel sprouts deviants, just because you happen to prefer broccoli. Or maybe you do. In that case, stop being so judgy. Remember that somewhere, someone thinks that something you love is totally gross. Think about THAT.

When sex is damaging

While sex and sex related activities are not, intrinsically bad, it is, of course, possible to use sex to express resistance. Just like with any activity that can and should be enjoyable, sex can become twisted, obsessive and damaging under certain circumstances. Rape is sex used to gain power and control. It’s about violence and has nothing to do with pleasure. Sex addiction happens when people are using sex to avoid something incredibly painful that they’re not willing or ready to deal with. It becomes an obsession, a kind of loss of control. And people who engage in sexual aggressions, like flashers, or pedophiles, basically those who do damage with sex, also come from places of great pain.

How we create sexual deviants

If you look at different cultures, you’ll see that those countries that are the most sexually repressed have the most extreme sexual behavior. Some of the, ok, I’ll just say it, weirdest porn available comes from Japan, a country that prides itself on privacy and proper behavior. The US has some of the most puritanical beliefs running through its psyche, and kids as young as ten engaging in sexual behavior (this is not, in my opinion, motivated by actual pleasure, but by a pressure to fit in and be approved of by their peers or to get attention.) Sex is about freedom, freedom to be ourselves, to experience primal pleasure, which is our birthright. The more we suppress that freedom, the bigger the backlash will be. The answer isn’t to become more puritanical, or to “protect” our children from more sex, but to foster truly healthy attitudes towards it. No, I’m not saying that a ten year old should be watching porn, but if they’ve managed to see some, explain it to them. Talk to them about it. Take the mystery out of it and be less weird about it. Make it less of a taboo, less of a big deal and more of a natural process we can all enjoy.  When we make people feel ashamed of themselves, just for who they naturally are, it will always lead to a great deal of pain. And pain leads to extreme ways of lashing out.

But, the point also needs to be made that those who use sex in a damaging way are by far in the great minority. Sure, they get a lot of press, but relatively speaking, the number of sexual deviants is very, very small. Let’s not demonize the act of sex because some people use it in a damaging way. If we used that logic in other areas, we’d have to:

  • Tell people to stop eating food because some people have eating disorders. Some people have gotten fat from food. Oh, and then there’s the danger of food fights. Best to get rid of all food entirely, just to be safe.
  • Stop going to the doctor. There have been reported cases of medical negligence, where the patient was actually worse off for having gone to an M.D. Better not to ever trust traditional medicine again. Choking to death? Don’t you dare do the Heimlich Maneuver! It was invented by a doctor and we all know they can’t be trusted.
  • Kill all puppies. Somewhere someone got bitten by a dog. Let’s not take any chances.
  • Kill all babies at birth. People have murdered people. We just can’t trust ourselves.

Now, you may think I’m exaggerating to make a point, and that’s understandable, given that I do tend to use that tactic a lot. But here’s the thing: I’m not. Declaring sex, one of the most beautiful and beneficial physical experiences EVER to be bad because of a few degenerates is just fucking insane. Yes, I used the f-word. If I can’t use it in this post, when can I?

But wait! What about STD’s? What about AIDS?

This would be the perfect time to point out that it’s no coincidence that after hundreds of years of demonizing the act of making love and expressing ourselves sexually, that we’d manifest diseases that would actually render sex dangerous. That’s right people. STD’s are manifestations, too. And AIDS was not GOD’s way of punishing homosexuals. It’s not a punishment at all. It’s simply a manifestation that shows us how we feel about sex: we are afraid of it and have been, for a long, long time. But, there’s no need to despair. We also invented the solution to this problem, and actually did so, thousands of years before we truly needed it on the level we do today: The humble condom or love glove, as it likes to be called (ok, I like to call it that).

So, when I encourage people to have all the sex they want, solo, duo or groupo, I’m not saying that they should start humping anything that moves indiscriminately. I don’t advocate doing anything indiscriminately. I teach deliberate, conscious action which is aligned with Who You Really Are. And when you look at sex through those eyes, you don’t just grab any old partner. You attract those who you’re compatible with so sex can be freaking awesome! You figure out how you truly feel, which may mean admitting how you feel for the first time in your life and you honor those emotions. You give yourself permission to feel good, whatever that means to you, and I mean TOTALLY good. This means having sex in an environment that’s comfortable to you in every way. This means feeling safe, feeling sexy, knowing what you want and being ok with that, using sex for pure pleasure instead of as a weapon or a way to get attention or to feel loved when you really don’t. It means being totally conscious. This is sex on a whole different level. It’s inspired sex.

What, pray tell, is inspired sex?

Inspired sex is just what it sounds like: sexual action that results from being aligned with Who You Really Are. Just like inspired action results from such alignment, so does inspired sex. Let me explain: If you want a car, and you visualize having that car in a way that feels truly and totally good to you (meaning there are no contradictory thoughts), or you focus on the core of WHY you want that car in the same way, you may be inspired to take some action that will get you that car. Of course, the car can manifest in many ways, only some of which will require action from you, but if your action is part of the process of manifesting that car, then you will be inspired to take it. This type of action is easy, fun and nearly automatic. You don’t even have to make the decision to take it, it just kind of happens. You stop and talk to a person and later wonder what made you do that. You didn’t even really consciously decide to, but the conversation led to you getting the car of your dreams.

When you line up your energy with the vibration of what sex represents to you (generally connection and pleasure), you will manifest the perfect partner whom such a connection will be possible with. And providing you don’t offer any contradictory thoughts, such as “Sex is bad”, your body will respond and get super turned on. That’s a manifestation, too. Of course, if sex represents a way of controlling someone to you, or if you have a lot of limiting beliefs or guilt around sex or whatever sex represents, then that will manifest, too. In that case, you’re missing out on the pure awesomeness that sex can be.

If you’re having bad sex, it’s because you’re not having sex from a place of alignment. Period.

A little sexy FAQ:

Do you have to be in love to have inspired sex?

No. You just have to NOT be offering any thoughts that contradict the pure awesomeness of sex. This does not require that you be in love. It could mean that there’s some kind of emotional connection between the consenting parties, but even that’s not necessary depending on what you truly want.

What if not all parties are inspired? Could I be inspired and my partner not?

Not really, no. Because if you’re aligned with an experience of connection and pure pleasure, than your partner(s) have to be a match to that, too. But it’s not your job to inspire them. Just work on your own energy and let LOA bring your partner to you when they’re in the same frame of mind.

Is inspired sex always consensual sex?

Yes. When you are aligned with Who You Really Are, any actions that arise from that alignment will always only be beneficial to all concerned. It’s not possible to be in alignment and inflict harm.

Do you need a partner to have inspired sex?

God no. You can be inspired to masturbate, to have amazing fantasies, to watch a specific porno which rocks your world like nothing ever has, etc. The key is the alignment, which will change the experience to a supremely awesome one. In fact, I would argue that if you can’t have fun by yourself, it may be kind of hard for you to have fun with someone else. Often, getting comfy on your own can HELP you to gain a greater level of comfort around others, if you know what I mean.

How do I teach my kids about inspired sex?

Tell them the truth. Tell them sex is awesome when done under the right circumstances, meaning that they feel truly comfortable, safe and like they really want to be there. Give them permission to say no if they feel pressured, because then it won’t be awesome. Don’t lie to them and tell them that sex is awful unless you’re married, or that they have to be 25 to have sex. Teach them about condoms, so they don’t have to be afraid of sex. Answer their questions and/or buy them books. Let them explore information online (I know it’s scary, but the more restrictive you are about sex, the more curious they’re going to get and the more likely they are to seek out the really, really gross stuff online. If they have a healthy relationship to their bodies and sex in general, they’ll almost certainly be turned off by that kind of thing. Most teens are computer savvy enough to get around parental controls, so they’re going to be surfing for this stuff anyway. The best you can hope for is that they know they can talk openly and honestly with you about it. If you’re not weird about it, you’ll make it less weird for them.)

If your kids are little, don’t tell them to cover up their bodies for God’s sakes. It instills the idea that their bodies are dirty and shameful. You can teach a child that there’s appropriate behavior in public and things they may only want to do in private, but that’s not the same as sending the message that their bodies are dirty or that others will disapprove of it. You can explain that some people may get uncomfortable with nakedness in public because they, themselves, don’t like their bodies. This does necessitate that you are comfortable in your own skin, as well. If your three year old walks in on you in the shower, don’t throw a fit and scream at them to get out. Let them see you be ok with your body. Teach my example. Kids will naturally become more shy as they get older (especially around the parent of the opposite sex). Let them find their comfort level naturally and at their own pace. If they’re not aligned with trying to shock others, they won’t engage in behavior that does so.

Bottom line

Sex is awesome, be it with yourself or others, as long as you do it from a place of alignment. We are meant to feel good, and yet somehow, we’ve managed to demonize the one activity that we can all pretty much universally enjoy. Let’s stop that cycle, shall we? Go on with your bad, nasty, sexy self and go and get laid already. You know you want to. Tell them your friendly neighborhood LOA coach said it was ok. ;)

 

 

{ 91 comments }

Katy Lowe October 23, 2012 at 22:30

Goooooood stuff here Miss Melody! So glad someone is telling it like it is…or at least how I see it as well. Growing up Catholic…lets just say I was or WASN’T exposed to much…everything was a huge revelation! lol So it left me a bit hung up as a young adult…time, reprogramming and caring about myself and attracting decent partners made a huge difference. I see so many repressed, uncomfortable people out there…I feel bad for them in a way…but then I don’t STAY there and deliberately decide not to give it any more attention. I do remember however when about 12 yrs old I asked my mom about something to do with sex…she had done the ‘body changes’ bit with me…but when I asked her she told me something basic…and I felt like..nah has to be more to that…well she of course told my dad (gulp) and he came and talked to me…(I had a cool dad-mom too) I was so embarrassed…but long and short..he basically said…sex is between adults…(yadda yadda) but then he said…’you know how we go to our summer cottage for summer vacation and you always have a great time?’ I must have said yes… he then said “when sex is right/good, it’s better than a vacation”

I always remembered that!! Again, thanks for putting it out there :)

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 00:29

Oooh, Katy, I love it! Your dad was so wise and I love how they handled your questions.

Thanks so much for sharing your story!

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Kat October 23, 2012 at 23:01

Melody,

Very, very well done! And I was thinking about this very topic this morning! This world would be a much better place if there were less sexual repression, for sure. Napoleon Hill even mentioned in his book, Think and Grow Rich, that successful people are attuned to who they really are and are thus very sexual and use that energy to move on in life. I then though of all the liaisons of the wealthy and powerful and all the illegitimate children that had to take care of in wills and such. Mistresses were even better taken care of than wives, so instilling that fire in someone was noteworthy. They obviously knew that and continue to know about LOA, sex and the energy surrounding this awesome act.

Thank you for clearing up some things that are prominent in many cultures. And yes, many people have issues with this. Those who brag about being celibate and hence “good” would also love to be raped because they may like it, which I thought was weird, indicating to me they did not have a good idea about sex at all.

Since the few in power knew of this powerful energy of sex, perhaps they wanted to repress the masses by instilling fear in them about the act, the best way to control them, as the Empire did in the Star Wars series (I loved your Jesus, Obi Wan reference!)
BTW, I am sure Jesus had sex.

My dad actually said that I could date at 25 and have sex then, which of course I did not follow and glad I did not! I learned so much from dating, you just can’t compare this advice. But this advice, too, comes from fear of perhaps illegitimate pregnancy (I have fertility issues) and what would my parents do with the kid as I’ll be made the laughing stock, even though I, of course, do not think of myself that way, or control, so I follow all the rules so he won’t have further headaches. Anyway, the viewpoint was obviously skewed.

Here’s to feeling good!

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 00:32

Hey Kat,

That’s an interesting thought. Several, actually. I’d never thought about how valuable mistresses were, by stoking the fires of creative energy. Wow! And yeah… I’m certain that making people feel inappropriate about their natural desires was at least a somewhat deliberate ploy to keep the lowly masses in their place. But, the great news is that we don’t have to react from that place anymore. Bring on the hammanahammana! :P

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca October 23, 2012 at 23:02

Second it all.

Big time.

Got your back, another LoA Coach is on board with this :)
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Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 00:32

Ha, ha Jason. No surprise there! :)

Thanks for the support, man!

Huge hugs,
Melody
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Carmelo October 23, 2012 at 23:17

Hey Melody,

Now that’s quite a subject to tackle! Or, maybe I should question why I think I say that. It’s just another aspect of life, isn’t it? it just carries so many taboos with it that we often want to avoid the topic in public. I would have to admit that I do as well. I’ve come a long way from my youth when it was strictly forbidden in all aspects. But, still a ways to go.

One thing you didn’t cover (there’s no way you could have covered everything of course) that I’d like to bring up. Maybe it’s a slightly different topic but it’s closely related. And that’s “cheating.” And I suppose it’s only called cheating when the partners don’t agree on what’s appropriate or acceptable.

But, we’ve all had friends or family members who’ve been hurt by this activity and the lying that usually goes along with it. But, that’s not as much a sexual matter as it is a trust and honesty matter. So, we might turn the question more towards judgment. How do we judge others concerning their choices. Do we stand up and condemn someone for “consensual cheating?” (oxymoronic term, i know)

of course I’m not suggesting that. Judgments of most kinds are useless at best and often harmful to both sides. Pretty much everything can be “answered” by your last statements concerning coming from a place of alignment.

Okay, thanks, sex coach … oops, i mean LOA coach. ;-)
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Alice October 24, 2012 at 02:34

Hi Carmelo,

The word I think you’re looking for in reference to “consensual cheating” maybe:

-polyamory…where someone is in an open relationship with other people that agree to open relationships.
That’s not cheating because they are honest about it and openly state to new partners they are polyamorous and seeking other polyamorous people.
It’s what they agree to.
They may have different arrangements depending on who they are with. e.g. they have to introduce the new person to rest of group first, have them tested, all agree to wear protection…whatever your partner or partners agree to.

The key is honesty and that everyone involved is clear on what is going on.

Polyamorous people are not all about sex. It’s about multiple lovers and they generally date and love all their sexual partners.

-Multiple sexual partners just for sex, not love= one off event=orgy Multiple events…I don’t know.
Group sex buddies?
Multiple friends with benefits? Not sure on that terminology. ;-)

-open relationship…similar to polyamory except you have a main romantic relationship, but both partners agree the other can go off and have sexual relationships.

Be careful with that one as some people use “open relationship” because they have tendency to cheat, so just accept that and tell new partners they want an open relationship.
But really they are monogamous and want a margin for error.

-other options for consentual “cheating”: swinging, adding other sexual partners into the bedroom, orgies, threesomes etc

Real cheating:
Having a monogamous relationship with a commited person that loves you, not telling them your intentions, going behind their back and breaking their heart, give them STD etc.
Lying. Not having the guts to break up with someone first.
Real cheating IMO is a real low act of bad and dishonest character and totally different from sexual/emotional freedom of people that agree.
It’s also not needed in a world filled with plenty of people interested in polyamory and swinging etc so no need to hurt a good, loyal spouse.

Swinging, orgies, polyamory etc will feel good, sneaking off on a commited partner will feel bad.

Oh, and making sure all the parties involved are “single” i.e. none of them have an oblivious wife/husband/etc at home! Helping someone else to cheat is no good either.

Carmelo October 24, 2012 at 05:58

Thanks Alice … Yes, I suppose there’s a name for pretty much everything! It’s really a topic that, perhaps like politics and religion, creates polarizing positions that people are passionate about.

Sometimes I feel that although it’s a wonderful expression of human interaction, we place too much importance on the meaning of it. Maybe we make it into something that defines and validates us rather than just that simple joy that it is. Once we do that, there’s a lot of baggage.

Why do some nearly want to kill themselves when cheated on? (i’m being a little dramatic, but it’s just that important to some.) And maybe it IS that important in a way.

I just think it’s not all that black and white. And I believe that a casual sexual encounter is a physical thing that shouldn’t permanently scar a heart-based loving relationship. Yet, it often does. Does this say we’re finding our identities in our mates? Does this depict dependence? Is this an unhealthy relationship? Or, is it the way it should be?

And, who is the judge of these things? Who sets the standards? Perhaps, and I think that’s what you said, it’s strictly between the people involved. But, there are nearly endless possibilities and variations on a theme. Like the temptation that comes out of left field.
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Alice October 24, 2012 at 06:42

To be frank, I think people that believe that cheating on a devoted partner or spouse is OK have some serious lack of character. We don’t live in medieval times where we didn’t have a say in who we marry.
We live in modern times where we have the choice to leave our spouse/partner if they no longer feel right.

As I said in my example, there’s so many options for someone that can’t keep it in their pants or don’t resonate with monogamy. There’s no excuse. If the spouse if no longer a match, move on.

I’ve never been cheated on and made this clear that it wouldn’t be tolerated and yes I would take it very seriously.

Does this mean I have a low sex drive or high willpower? NO! I’m incredibly lusty and have zero willpower.
But my love for whoever I’m with always wins. All that passion is directed at them. If it’s not, then I’d move on and with the respect the relationship deserved.

It means more than lust, here’s just a few things:

-lack of honesty

-not having the fortitude to break up with current partner, before starting a new relationship

-sneakiness

- greed and extreme selfishness

-not valuing the partners’ intelligence (“they won’t find out” etc mentality)

-lack of maturity and self-awareness

-finding the other person more attractive than current partner= break up with your partner, if they don’t stack up, don’t add to the cruelty with infidelity.

-weak excuses/lack of balls/ovaries

I’ve never been cheated on as I’ve been luck enough to attract very strong men into my life.
It would make me lose all respect for someone if they were like that, as there are much better options to do.

People can make excuses all day long for poor behaviour and it’s better they stick with other people like that.

Carmelo October 24, 2012 at 07:14

Thanks for the very thorough reply! I got more than I bargained for. :-)
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Alice October 24, 2012 at 07:25

Hi Carmelo,

Thanks for that. I really appreciate it. I hope I didn’t scare you. I’m strong, but a very nice person in real life. :-)

Carmelo October 24, 2012 at 20:35

That’s okay. I’m just having a hard time consoling someone who’s had a bad experience but is still in love with him. It’s emotional and never as simple as we wish it would be.
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Alice October 25, 2012 at 00:36

Emotional pain always trumps physical pain. I wish mine was visible, as sometimes I think I deserve a bloody medal for still being here.

It’s great to hear she has a friend. :-)

Dusty October 24, 2012 at 16:52

In the Western world, we have placed a lot of importance on monogamy. This bond is the closest we get to a guarantee that the other person will be there for the long hall. Unlike countries where divorce is a taboo and support (financially, protection and child rearing) is looked as a major virtue of each person.

People, in general, are creatures of habit so we like to know certain aspects are stable.

Does it depict dependence? Not necessarily. If I am selling you a car, you expect it drive not fly. It would be unreasonable for you to be mad at me, the car seller, because it doesn’t fly. Same with monogamy. If the expectation is you will not have sex with anyone else, then what follows breaking the expectation should not be a surprise.

Cheating, agreeing to a monogamous relationship then leaving the confines of that relationship, breaks expectations. It sets up a dichotomy in the person who was cheated on “what do they have I don’t”, even if there is no reason for this thought pattern.

The questions range from: Do you love them more? Are they physically more appealing? Are they mentally/emotionally more available for attachment? How can you go out and have fun with that person when I am taking care of the daily grind? What are they giving you that I don’t? What are you giving them you are not giving me?

Which brings the person with the expectations of monogamy to dissect themselves. When you are looking for flaws, you will find them.

I think it would be easier for a male to forgive a female for stepping out of the confines. (not being a male or in this situation, it’s hard to say for sure)

Females have greater use of the linear memory. We emotionally link everything. (You would know this if you every argued with one. “You left the bag of chips open like you do with the toothpaste, the laundry hamper and… and… and…” ) This means even seemingly unrelated events can be related. In the process of healing from an event, it would take more work and effort to replace those emotional landmines.

You would have to get rid of visual triggers, the watch, clothes or anything else they may have noticed. There would also have to be a change in verbiage. The things said during the time of the event would be emotionally linked as well. There would have to be a strict time table set up. You will be home at… The hardest part would be allowing her to grieve for the broken expectation.

Males would be much easier after the initial grieving period. Their triggers are usually visual. So if she is wearing make up like she did when the event happened, the clothing or other visual cues will cause the feelings of betrayal to return. They don’t seem to be as random.

Marriage or relationship becomes part of our identity as much as our jobs, degrees and is part of our social status. It is on the same level as being a CEO then being served a severance package. Everything from that moment seems shaky because what you believed would not change, changed.

Alice October 25, 2012 at 00:44

Dusty,

This is so beautiful and well articulated. Thank you so very, very much for this. It really had to be said.
It’s also nice to know there are thoughtful people out there, as when people think things like this, but don’t say them, it feels like you are on a mountaintop, alone and everyone else just threw their minds out the window. :-)
Horray for humanity.

Kat October 24, 2012 at 03:33

Hey Carmelo,

Yes, society judges and individuals judge as well. It is ego-based. Liaisons were a common practice back in the day and continue to be commonplace in some countries. No big deal. They are based on physically and emotionally connecting with another other than a spouse and at times even more than a spouse, depending on the reasons for marriage. Again, people follow rules and marry for various reasons but can’t control with whom they fall in love or in lust with. That is really my point. No matter the rules, those amorous feelings are rather strong and do lead to procreation. It’s all natural no matter the rules. Just saying.

Carmelo October 24, 2012 at 06:07

Hey Kat,

There’s no question that viewpoints and cultures differ dramatically on sex, marriage, and men and women in general. Even to the degree there’s respect or lack thereof. Even honesty is subject to interpretation. (what they don’t know won’t hurt them.)

So, rules come into play to the extent that the person abiding by them or breaking them can live with him or herself. Yeah, we’re made to have that physical attraction but we’re also given willpower … or is willpower something we made up? After all, willpower isn’t nearly as strong. It’s the same with trying to self-discipline yourself to accomplish your goals. It rarely works. Success comes from doing what you love.

Hmmm, so maybe we just made to damn many rules around everything! It’s unnatural.
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Kat October 24, 2012 at 06:30

Yes, I agree with you man, to heck with all the rules.

Dusty October 24, 2012 at 17:41

The closest I get to judgement on this situation is cheaters are lazy. I say this because they want the stability of their monogamy while wanting a chemical rush. When you lie and cheat, you short cut the prefrontal cortex (part that governs social behavior, good and bad) and head straight into your limbic processing. (the primal, emotional centers) It releases the stress hormones and you have a helluva brain ride.

The cheating isn’t always about sex. (dress it up all want, the mechanics are pretty much universal) It’s about wanting to get a brain rush. The chemical dump you get when you first start wooing.

Cheaters are lazy because they have a need for a rush. Instead of asking themselves what kind of rush they need, they cheat.

Do I need to be validated and if so what kind validation?
Do I need an adrenal rush, what would provide that?
Do I need an emotional outlet?
Do I need to change my social circles?
What do I really need?
How much work would it take?

In short, they make it someone else’s job to make them happy which doesn’t usually work the way one would hope.

Carmelo October 24, 2012 at 20:37

That’s all very true. And probably much more to it than we realize at times.
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Alice October 25, 2012 at 01:02

This is so very true, Dusty.
Thank you. Melody is going to make a blog on this, (like the many things she said was coming LOL) ;-) and there’s more to be said there.

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 00:38

Hey Carmelo,

Actually, you’re going to laugh. The original question did address cheating as well, but I took it out because I couldn’t cover it here. This was one of the longest blog posts I’ve ever published here, as it was…
I plan on doing a whole different blog post on the issue(s) of cheating. And you’re right, it’s not really about sex. And it’s not even generally about hurting their partner. It’s about escape. People don’t really ever cheat ON someone. It can feel like that, but you can tell your friend that her partner’s cheating had very little to do with her and much more to do with him and his own demons. I’ll do my best to do all your excellent questions justice when I publish that post.

Ah, and you know, I realized as I was reading your comment that I did feel the need to add that disclaimer at the top. So I guess I’m at least a little bit aware of the taboo. Not enough to stop me, but enough to add that paragraph, lol.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Alice October 25, 2012 at 00:48

Be careful, on that Melody. You don’t want to give the lazy, thoughtless people more LOA excuses to just do the hell what they want and stuff other people and their feelings.
As you know some people will read any gentle words around things like that as an excuse to continue being a fool.

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 01:25

Ah, but those people are not going to be here reading this blog, are they? ;)

Alice October 25, 2012 at 03:08

How do we know!!! :-) *sticks tongue out*

KimS October 23, 2012 at 23:35

urgh, I used to feel so guilty for masturbating — totally against my religious teachings, but I couldn’t seem to keep my hands out of my panties, no matter how many times I would promise God that I would NEVER do that again! haha!
And then — after a magnificent (solo) orgasm, I found myself immersed in a prayer of gratitude, spontaneously joyously giving thanks for that incredible experience.
When I realized I was praising God and thanking Him for making my body in such a way as to give me such incredible mind-blowing pleasure, I decided to never feel guilty about it again. I saw it as a blessing to be able to feel that way!!

Later in life, I took it a step further — logically speaking, If we accept the first premise that God exists and the second premise that God is perfect and the third, that we are created by God (most people just accept these three things without questioning), then we must accept that we were created perfectly and exactly the way God wants us to be. (bc not only is God not an asshole, He’s also not retarded.)

And, God created on my body an organ that does NOTHING EXCEPT give me sexual pleasure (THANK YOU!!). Who am I to not experience that pleasure??? As a matter of fact, it could be considered a sin against God to deny myself this pleasure that was created here, for me, in my very own body that was created and designed to be this way by GOD HIMSELF. (This thought led, logically, to the thought that it is also a sin to deny myself chocolate and petting fuzzy kittens. haha!) When I had this realization (thankfully when I was just twenty-something!) I started having some AWESOME sex! :) Guilt-free and filled with gratitude!

Seriously, it is a sin to live in misery!! Well, you know what I mean. :)

Dennis Miller Quote: “My god thinks I am incredibly fcking funny. That’s why I chose Him as my god.”

My god wants me to have awesome mind-blowing sex — and to dance passionately (if ungracefully!) and to eat delicious food and share delicious kisses and laugh unrestrainedly. My god is AWESOME! :)

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 00:41

Yay Kim!!! I didn’t even mention the Orgasm in my post!!! Gack! Oh well, at least you did. That alone should be enough to make us see the light (literally and figuratively, he, he.)

I’m so glad you overcame your guilt.
Love the Dennis Miller quote.

My god thinks I am incredibly sexy. That’s why I chose him as my God. Ha.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Alice October 25, 2012 at 01:08

Melody,

I love the part of your blog that says that God is not sadistic, inventing something that feels amazing and then banning it from us.
What a weird thing for humans to think.

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 01:27

Yeah, it’s so twisted isn’t it? But so many people think like that. BTW, not one nasty letter about the whole “God is not an asshole” part. Wow. LOA is one hell of a bouncer. :)

marjorie October 24, 2012 at 00:07

so does this mean you can fantasize about someone else and not necessarily have it manifest?

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 00:43

Yes, it does Marjorie. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about different people. Often, it lets you explore different aspects of fantasies. Thinking about doing that stuff with your partner may feel too real. You manifest with your vibration, not with the specifics of your thoughts. Sometimes, your thoughts can’t be translated literally. The Universe knows that. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Alice October 25, 2012 at 01:23

Oh, so all those Hikikomori are not going to get their dream person??? :-( Awwww this is very sad.

The Japanese win me over with their terminology as in the English language there is no word for something like that (which sucks, as when there are no words, these groups feel like freaks):

Socially withdraws for long periods of time, maybe not leaving the room or house after highschool or college. (starts with a few months and gets into years..sometimes decades)
Usually from some prolonged sadness, rejection from college application or trouble finding work. (sometimes illness/accident)
They are separated from peer group and become in limbo between school and work. Spend long amounts of time unemployed or working from home.
There are older Hikikomori that were never helped and became so isolated and so many gaps on resume they don’t know how to get out or explain this to others.

It’s a serious issue, but there is a couple of animes that bring humour to the subject and also because it’s anime, there’s the fact that for some reason they make Hikikomori sex addicts, with masturbating in front of the computer all day!!!!!

I laughed, but I also hope LOA would mean if they are focusing on all these frilly women all day, hopefully it would bring it to them..not more loneliness.

But I know the answer, as seen so many lonely guys, with stacks of pron magazines and they never got a girlfriend.

How come sticking the posters of topless women on walls doesn’t attract topless women??

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 01:30

Alice,

It’s the vibration that attracts. Most men that put nudy pics on their walls don’t actually believe they’ll ever meet a woman like that, and even if they did, they wouldn’t believe that she’d be interested. And it’s THESE beliefs that get triggered when they look at those pics. And that’s what manifests – more loneliness and low self esteem…

Alice October 25, 2012 at 03:01

Oh thanks!

I feel clever for asking this (my self-esteem boosts!)

Then this is an importnat topic!
The vision boards and all that, might trigger our problems.
*gasps* The photos of honeymoon days and better times could make a relationship worse??

I hope not!

Should I run and pull down all my versions of “topless women” or happy times that I don’t truly believe in?

So it would be mean to put pictires of athletes into hospital rooms?

Wow this is a big discovery for LOA! :-)

DawnStar October 24, 2012 at 02:06

OK, well I’m down with everything except porn. I have a really had time with porn, it just feels so low vibration to me. For me, the whole sex industry adds to the objectification, exploitation and oppression of women. It detracts from women as their authentic, powerful, Divine selves.

I’ve worked with women forced into prostitution, threatened with violence, held victim to drug/alcohol addiction by men who controlled the supply in return for filming porn. I’ve been there with women as they’ve realised that what they had considered their choice – i.e. I do it because I want to – turned into the knowing that they actually did it because they had limited beliefs. I’m willing to say that the majority of women in the sex industry are operating from limited beliefs. I feel less inclined to speak from a male point of view because I’m not a man, nor have I had the experience of working with men on the same level as women.

I also have to ask why the sex industry is such massive business? It’s usually people of a lower vibration that enjoy watching it, it’s made by people of a lower vibration, produced and marketed by people of a lower vibration, it perpetuates and keeps us stuck in a lower vibration which is all LOA generated. What’s cool about that? And, why do women in particular, feel the pull to do it, even though most of them end up hating themselves for making the choice to do so. The suicide statistics around these issues are phenomenal. And no points for guessing which gender suffers the most.

We’re all so deeply unhappy. There’s something vastly sacred and powerful missing from our lives that we think we can fill with endless empty orgasms, alcohol, drugs. We can’t. They add to our emptiness. And the more artificial orgasms you empty yourself out artificially having, the more you need to keep filling yourself artificially back up with artificial good feeling in the guise of porn or whatever. It’s all artificial and it doesn’t raise your vibration, it lowers it.

Life, when we live without limitation, is orgasmic. The touch of sun on your skin, the taste of juicy fruit bursting in your mouth, ocean waves breaking on glistening sand, delving your spoon or your fingers into rich, creamy, thick, moist chocolate cake :] It’s all meant to feel good, it’s all meant to feel orgasmic, so that you’ll do it more and more and more, open to receiving more and more and more so that the Universe can create, through you, more and more and more of all the stuff the world needs to gift consciousness. More yummy, delicious, orgasmic experiences for everyone :]

No, I’m not suggesting abstaining from sex in favour of other things, I love making love with my man, it’s breath-takingly, exhileratingly, stupendously, inter-dimensionally, spiritually, stars colliding as I lose myself, astoundingly, powerfully beautiful. I don’t know where I end and he begins. It’s cellular and de-molecular at the same time. I am simultaneously tiny enough to flow through his veins and huge enough to envelope the whole world. It fills me to over-flowing. I can’t get that from watching a sweaty duo, trio or seveno shagging on the TV.

Just my point of view :]

Alice October 24, 2012 at 07:31

Hi Dawnstar,

It’s nice to see you here.

I am no prude, but I don’t resonate with porm either—but for different reasons. For one, I have no interest in watching two strangers!

It’s not that hard to do. It’s like “look at us, watch us having sex, aren’t we cool? Look at how sexy I am having sex!”
As if the viewer can’t just get a person and do exactly that. lol!
No.
I’d rather tape me and someone I like if I want to watch something! lol!

But I think that’s my very female brain. We like stories rather than movies as we place ourselves into the character.
If I was going to use porn, I’d find a book, but I don’t like that too much either.

For me, it’s all about the other person. I can only feel turned on by the person I love. Casual doesn’t do it for me.
Two strangers on tape certainly won’t!

I’m also very picky! For example I like muscles on men, but too many repel me. Most porn stars or Hollywood images of guys we are meant to like…are just too ripped.
I don’t like it.
Now, don’t get my wrong my guy IS ripped, but one layer! (not muscles on the muscles with all the creepy veins)

I don’t like being told what I should like and feel porn is part of the media that shoves things at us and if you don’t find it attractive you are a prude.

Now costumes and toys! That’s a different story. That’s something that is fun and interactive.
Watching other people…no thanks. That’s like watching sports to me… :-) I’d rather play them.

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 00:54

Hey there Dawn,

I agree that much of the sex industry is mired in low vibrations. But even amongst that crowd, it can be empowering for a woman who has grown up believing she is worthless to use her body in that way. We may not be able to relate, but I’ve met sex workers and many have a defiance about them, not a resignation. I’m not talking about the ones that were forced into it, of course.

I think back to my early twenties, when I was recovering from an abusive relationship and trying to find a way to feel powerful. I went clubbing with a friend and really enjoyed being looked at. It made me feel powerful in a way I never had. I never took it further, and at that time I really couldn’t have stomached much more, but I do remember how healing it was to realize that men wanted me, even if it was just sexually. Up until that point I was grateful if a man so much as paid attention to me. I didn’t know I had the right to say no. And I really didn’t know that guys would accept a no! I can kind of understand how tempting it would be to separate oneself from the emotional and just feel the power of the physical.

I’m not a huge fan of porn myself (I think it is kind of a female thing, although I do know women who love it), but I have seen some pretty awesome porn. It was made by women for women. There was foreplay, a bit of a story line, and the men were really good looking. In traditional porn, the men are purposely fugly, to give guys the illusion that they, normal Joes, could get with the porn star. Not so much fun if you’re a lady, though…

Of course, porn can replace the real thing, by far. But it can be a great way to explore fantasies. But there’s a huge variety of stuff out there, some horrible, some much better. High vibrational porn… Hmmm, now there’s a business idea, he, he.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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KimS October 25, 2012 at 01:42

It is impossible to know which experiences will lead to another person’s awakening, or the “level” of another person’s enlightenment based on his or her circumstances.

To judge women in porn as being victims is a harsh label to apply — each of us is just as powerful a creator as the next person.

I think it may be a mistake to view vibrations as being universal when it may be that they are unique to individuals — for instance, the vibration that I would need to generate in order to manifest a million dollars will be different than the vibration someone else would need to generate to manifest a million dollars because “million dollars” is a belief/idea which occupies unique emotional context within each of us. “Million dollars” does not, itself, vibrate; it’s manifestation is the result of vibration and alignment, which is uniquely personal. I must change my vibration to match that which I believe will allow me to receive a million dollars; I am not matching a universal vibration of “million dollars” — I’m not sure there is such a thing. (?)

If each choice and perspective of each unique individual is equally valid and valued by God/Source/Universe, then how can we judge one vibration to be “lower” and another to be “higher”? We have different vibrations based on our particular and exquisitely personal beliefs, but I don’t think that we can compare, rate and value vibrations on a uniform scale.

Perhaps we should talk in terms of “shifting” vibrations, not raising or lowering.

There are infinite paths to awakening and there is no path that is “the” path.

..and… to put this all very simply: I like porn and I don’t like someone trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty about it. It is impossible, speaking LOA, to victimize another person when each of us is infinitely powerful. Also, sex can be sacred and fun and wonderful and amazing outside of a monogamous relationship and even without the intertwining of two souls as one, blah blah blah. Lastly, I think that actual orgasms should be on your list of orgasmic experiences, but instead they were relegated to some list of “artificial feel-good” experiences — experiences which, by the way, are not ours to judge. We cannot know what makes someone else feel good. We are simply not able to judge the validity or realness of someone else’s “feel good”, someone else’s path to enlightenment.

Judge Not.

Period. No qualifiers, no exceptions, just, “judge not.”

Judge not your vibration to be higher. Judge not my vibration to be lower. Judge not your sex to be spiritually superior or your stance against porn to be holy.

Katie October 29, 2012 at 12:20

There is a lot to love in your blog Melody – I have really enjoyed reading your posts. There is a lot to agree with in this post.

However, on the issue of porn I agree with Dawnstar – although I admit I have no experience working with people involved in this industry. I recently read that 90% of porn is either verbally or physically abusive to women. It just doesn’t feel like that would be a high vibration to me and wouldn’t watching something with verbal of physical violence attract that into your life in some way? Maybe the other 10% would be OKay … There is no judgment from me on any of this. People must always follow their own guidance at all times. It is just that my gut feeling tells me this wouldn’t, for me, be a high vibration entertainment.

Melody Fletcher October 30, 2012 at 03:21

Hey Katie,

Then, for you, porn would not be a good idea. I can’t say that I’ve seen a lot of porn, but what I have seen was not abusive. I would say that what you like has to match your vibration. So, if someone is in a dark place, they’ll watch different porn (and movies and TV) than someone in a lighter place. But I won’t condemn all porn as “wrong”. Do what resonates with you. Let everyone else do the same. If you don’t push against something, it doesn’t become part of your reality. Sure, there are many “bad” things about porn, but not 100% of it is, and that’s the porn I focus on when I talk about it. I do believe there is high vibrational porn, or at least higher vibrational stuff. I haven’t seen a movie like that in years, so don’t know if anything exists that would work for me now, but again, I don’t condemn it across the board. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody

Dusty October 24, 2012 at 02:24

I guess I get to be the voice at the other end of the scale. As I said in an earlier post, my parents were hippies and my neighbors were nudists. (I didn’t wear clothes till I was ten) I actually walked in on the neighbors, they weren’t upset by any stretch of the imagination. They just let me know they were making love and I should go into the other room. I told my mom what was going on. She told me the biology, the emotional and the possible outcomes. All I could think was “eeewwww”

I think it actually made me more of a prude than some of those with religious leanings. The lack of taboo equaled the lack of interest for quite some time. Then I did the rebellious thing, I only had monogamous relations.

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 00:56

Ahahahaha Dusty. You should be the poster child on how to deal with sex. I love it. But it just makes so much sense, doesn’t it? Tell kids to abstain and they rut like rabbits. Make sex ok and they don’t want to anymore.

We gotta put out a public service message! :D

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Alice October 25, 2012 at 03:10

That’s why ex-Catholic men usually end up dating me…. :-) They are rather spunky!

Alice October 24, 2012 at 03:08

Hi Melody,

I’m going to challenge you a bit, with a thoughtful question.
(my initial response to anything about sex = yay!!!! but after calming down, there were some aspects that are serious and need answers)

Let’s travel back in time to when women had a very hard time getting jobs and were “married off”
Their livelihood revolved around the husband or breadwinner.

The husband gives them food, pays the bills, keeps a roof over their head. At first they were in love. They were very happy and genuinely in love. The family got excited to marry them as they seemed happy.

Problem is marriage is for life and love may not be for life if they are not that type of soulmate. They might be good for each other for years…then they grow and it’s time to move on.

Or one of them falls out of love. They are in unrequited love. Now in those days the woman can’t just leave or she’ll be on the streets.
She can’t rely on family because they are wankers.. (seeing we can swear on this blog, I’m not filtering or adding stupid stars, I’ll just speak normally) especially her father is an overbearing man.
She’s in a bad position where her husband doesn’t love her, but if she leaves she has no where to go.
She’s also an invalid in some ways because of the great horse accident of the time…so yeah she’s stuck. Also her corset is too tight.

Besides not really being in a loving marriage, her husband is a reasonable man. He takes care of her well, is a great friend and excellent in bed.
But he just doesn’t give her that love. There’s no love there!

This is just one of many examples…I’ve heard worse where in my family line there was a wife…
THAT STAYED WITH A PEDOPHILE because in those days she couldn’t get work so had to endure a husband she knows is a psycho….

Or a husband and wife together for whatever reason like children.. They are good friends or one is in love, the other not in love. But sex is excellent.

So
a)
When having sex with this nice, but not-in-love husband, sex is fantastic physically but there’s some emotional sadness at times afterwards because there is no “I love you”

b) Not having sex is worse as lonely and frustrated feelings will arise.

c) If the wife of this story goes off for love or sex elsewhere, she will be kicked out of house, maybe in those days they would call her a whore, and will have no more breadwinner husband and will be stranded.
How will she find the missing part she needs…love..will staying with the person taking care of her?

d) The husband could have an affair because he can. He’s the breadwinner and HE can’t be kicked out.
If he does that she will still have to endure him, for a roof over her head. But obviously there will no lonegr be sex.
But she can’t get her own affair/lover, because who will date someone elses’ wife?

—————

Also on topic of inspired sex…sex with an ex… you know they don’t have any major STD, you know they know what you like…
but there’s hurt feelings or old sparks…do they undo any of the benefits of the great sex you have?

————–

Can you claim someone is having an emotional affair?

—–
I love sex!!!!

Dusty October 24, 2012 at 19:24

I have sooo been there. I only date (and marry) really brilliant guys so the emotional expectations are not there in the usual ways.

First, recognize how needy you really are. You have been beating this guy up with the emotional frying pan because they can’t give you what you need. This need becomes an emotional sucking black hole. It doesn’t matter how much they give you, it will never be enough.

What I ended up doing:

Find what you like about you. For me it was my perfectly straight nose. Daily I complemented my nose and smiled in the mirror.

Joining clubs, this gave me a moment to focus on me. Not the relationship, me. I had others help me with my validation. I began to make other relationships, healthy ones.

Do something to give yourself a rush. Start exercising, bungee jumping or whatever thrills you. I started driving on a track. Going nearly 200 miles an hour makes the thought of having mediocre sex seem less than trite.

Got a job. It doesn’t have to be the 40hr work week, something to call your own. Stash money for you. Date yourself. Go out to the places you want to go even if it is just to buy a soda. I dressed up and went to the most expensive restaurant. (the kind that soda cost ten bucks)

Do something taboo but fun. I bought a clit stimulater to wear while doing dishes. It made the mundane task OH so much better.

Let go of the idea, what he isn’t giving you is a reflection of you. It is a reflection of him. So you have to start giving you what you need. Do you need those deep meaningful conversations? Start having it with you then you. Then you can find others who will talk about the same stuff.

Focus on you. I can’t say this loud enough! Focus on you. It may seem like a Herculean task since you have been running around the same though patterns for so long.

Later in life, when you are through with this phase, you can look at him like an expensive purse. It’s nice to have but not something you absolutely need.

Dusty October 24, 2012 at 19:50

Alice,

What you are actually asking him to do is remind you how spectacularly fabulous you are when you are the one who forgot how spectacularly fabulous you are. Remember. Enjoy you.

It won’t come all at once. You stop focusing on what you don’t have and go with what you got, amazing stuff happens.

If you can’t get out and get a job in the work force, try writing dirty stories for web sites. Get pretty good at it and then sell stories. It’s a great rush, fun trying to figure out what you just typed while your eyes are so dilated.

Finding this helped me out so much. Brad Yates is phenominal, on youtube and free. The first time I tapped with this I cried.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wP70Et2d3Lw

Alice October 25, 2012 at 01:41

Well I was thinking of three different people when I wrote that post…so not really all about me.
I’m also not married.

But the advice is pretty solid.

I heard in my family line there was someone who stayed with an abusive husband and I was asking the relatives why.
They were saying that in those days she couldn’t get a job, so would be stranded without him.

I thought that was sad, and wondered if they knew LOA, even in really restrictive times for women what would they do?
Just curious about what Melody would say.

Alice October 25, 2012 at 01:49

P.S. Dusty,

Your advice is fantastic. But it assumes the person is healthy and has money to do these things.
I’m sure if they did, they would as that’s how they were before the accident.

Personally I have hobbies and things I do and I am attractive, so I don’t need assurance there, but thank you.

Alice October 25, 2012 at 02:06

The thing is hard to get through to her about this being a reflection of him, not her…because the love vanished based on her actions.

She lost her mobilty after an accident and he took care of her. At first he was good about it. But this stretched out for a long time,he got weary and she changed a lot after that.
She had a lot of hobbies, activities, work.. but couldn’t do them anymore. So she went from being very social, to around the house alot.

He stopped finding her emotionally attractive as she lost work, friends etc and he knows this is not her fault.
But still he didn’t like it, because she no longer had a life.

Besides me, the other freinds don’t bother to visit her (too busy) and she’s lovely to spend time with.
I know she’d do it herself if she could. So really frustrating to see such a wonderful woman shot down.

She gets upset when we ring her to go out, because she can’t and doctor says she needs to rest.

So she is aware of doing all those independant things, and having that taken most likely kills her.
She does her best and I don’t think she is needy under the circumstance most disabled/sick people have no choice to be needy.
They need support and get isolated from society, so they really on the nurse or close people heavily.

I don’t think anyone would do this by choice. She’s still got fire in her, so I know if she could she’d have a life and not be “a black hole”

The reason I can relate to her on some topics. I don’t know if she loves herself or not.
I know I love myself, again thanks for the concern though! :-)

Dusty October 25, 2012 at 15:36

Actually it doesn’t take money and mobility. My neighbor, quite a few years back, was in a wheelchair. She had a husband who worked 40 hours a week but only came home Tue, Wed, Thurs since he had used his check for wine and women. (okay in his case it was beer and broads) She had no car, nothing that would look like joy.

I met her because she was sitting outside, her wheelchair had become entangled in the lawn furniture. I stopped to help her out. The story life just came rushing out. She said she was stuck, not just on the porch but in life. I asked her what she would do if she could do anything. She wanted to attend the FREE lecture series at the community college. I helped her get a hold of the local handicapped shuttles.

She saw me the next day and said she wanted to get moving, feel her muscles strain again. (Her legs weren’t going to move, everything below her belly button had little to no feeling.) I told her I was busy. I wasn’t but she would have easily depended on me for such simple things. She later told me she found an arm workout on youtube. (Again FREE) She joined a romance write’s guild and started to get paid for her work. She filed for divorce through legal aid.

She shifted her focus from the no-good-such-and-such to her. The world seemed to open for her. There were so many opportunities she made building on one little desire, see a lecture series. And yes, she made it out. Hanging with college kids has it’s benefits, they can find an apartment and they found one for her. Something secure, ground floor and within a budget she could afford. Within six months of meeting her, she was out, on her own, had friends and did what she loved.

Btw, giving back is part of what I forgot. Jen started working on a lifting seat for those in a wheelchair. The height of the stove and freezer are not in a comfortable range. I dunno if it is marketed yet…

Either way, once she quit thinking she was stuck, she wasn’t.

Alice October 26, 2012 at 05:04

Good for her. That is super. Sounds like it doesn’t effect her cognitive abilities.

I’ve know blind and deaf people too, with inspiring stories that could put others to shame. Fabulous.

It also sounds like she already knew what she wanted; which is half the battle. Once you have a dream you are passionate about, nothing will stand in your way. Not knowing and uncertainty is what most people problems are.

Continue dealing with these pull-yourself-up-by bootstraps people, they sounds amazingly creative and happy.

Thanks for sharing and glad to hear the great news.

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 01:03

Hey Alice,

Well, we’re not living in that time anymore, so I’m not going to spend a lot of time on that. But just as Dusty said below, it really all comes down to how the woman feels about herself. And there are plenty of women who still feel that powerless today, even though we live in different times. There are plenty of women stuck in loveless relationships. They are stuck because they believe they are. Even back in the day, a woman could change her circumstances with her energy, but it was much harder to remember that then. It’s getting easier now.

Dusty gave great advice. Focus on giving yourself the love you’re missing. Not just sexually, but emotionally. Love yourself. Talk to yourself in loving ways only. That makes SUCH a huge difference. Be kind to yourself, pamper yourself, caress your skin when you put on lotion, brush your hair slowly, be sensual. These little kindnesses add up fast. And when you tip the scale of your vibration to what you want, your reality starts to shift. You feel better first and then you see the bigger manifestations.

If there are hurt feelings then it wasn’t inspired sex. Inspired sex feels good all around and only good.

Yes, people can have emotional affairs.

Me too! ;)

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Can We Use LOA to Quit Drinking Alcohol?My Profile

Alice October 25, 2012 at 02:48

I answered Dusty above, I am friends with a few people I can relate to, but this is not all about me.

Melody, on unconditional love for self, this is a fun sex blog!

In had a thoughtful answer, but will put it elsewhere, I think we heard enough out of me. :-)

.

Marisa October 24, 2012 at 03:32

Four words… WELL DONE!!! THANK YOU!

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 01:04

You’re welcome! And than YOU!

Huge hugs,
Melody

Dawn October 24, 2012 at 04:15

Great great great article. Sex is awesome! I was married to a man who had issues with sex and sexuality and not being alined that way was very hard. I talk to my kids about sex and am always honest without being too descriptive. I don’t ever want them to fell ashamed of their bodies.
I also believe fantasies are just that…some thing turn us on without ever having the desire to fulfill them and some are great to act out. Mutual honest open intimacy between adults.
Again great article!!

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 01:05

Thanks so much Dawn! Judging by the response I got, I guess it really was time to get this out there, he, he.

And thanks for sharing your story.

Huge hugs!

Melody

mopeychild October 24, 2012 at 05:03

I have a question. Some people (me included) go on antidepressants and get happier. So that’s an increase in vibration due to lowering of resistant thought right?
Now, at the time time, libido kinda goes down( due to side effects of meds, it is said). If sex is associated with a higher vibration, how can this be explained?

Kat October 24, 2012 at 05:52

Hey mopey,

I am curious about this, too. Did the anti-depressants really help you? I have read and heard that they do not do anything, even lead to suicidal thoughts and actual suicides, including that of director Tony Scott, so I am wondering about this. It would be great to read that they actually helped you and you got off them. i think these actually lower vibration when used long term.

mopeychild October 24, 2012 at 06:37

Firstly, the internet is so cool. Strikes me anew everytime. U can write the most intimate, honest stuff and still be anonymous !
Okay now about the antideps, well am still on em ( antideps and mood stabilizers) and its worked for me. Dunno if it actually fiddled with my brain chemistry or its a wacked out placebo effect, but whatver it is, its changed my behaviour ( for the good).
I gyess drugs are like a diet. Works differently for differentl people. And frankly, am relived my libido went down when it did. A high libido screws up ur mind even more when ur convinced ur ugly and repulsive( which is believed for so long) and so leads to a lot of supression and reistsance anyway.
But my personal take is that antideps don’t help by themselves. U need therapy ( to reprogram your subconscious beliefs). And for me, this blog is a form of therapy( hence me looooves it) cuz its totally changed my perspective on things. I still don’t have a super strong instinct to live life all the time, but I don’t feel like killing myself all the time either. I think that’s a good enuf improvement :)

mopeychild October 24, 2012 at 06:42

Also, I’ve been on them for two years, and still am. And right now I can’t consider going off it. Maybe cuz I’ve linked antideps with positive changes in me subconsciously. But maybe someday I will. Frankly, I don’t even mind being on em all me life. Its such a lovely feeling to be ‘ happy’.
Am curious about the lowering vibrarion bit over long time though. Wonder what’s melodys take on this.

Alice October 24, 2012 at 06:54

For whatever reason Mopey, I really, really care about you.

Keep an eye out on those medications…I’ve tried them for years and haven’t been on them for years.
Did I stop takeing them because I was happier? No. I stopped them because I’m wasting money on chemicals with crappy side-effects that just seemed to make me neutral or worse.
I feel they gave me health problems. They never helped in the first place.
So why did I take something that doesn’t work? Peer-pressure. If you’re not jumping around smiling all the time=medicate it!
But fuck that.
Hugs not drugs, I say.

If they helped me? Yes, I’d stick with whatever is useful in my life. I’m glad they help you…but keep an eye on them.
just be cautious about any medication as they are designed to be addictive and make pharmacies profit.

mopeychild October 24, 2012 at 11:43

@alice…yup they do have their side effects !
(extreme exhaustion due to seriously low vitB levels, so i take injections and stuff)..and also thing is, they take time to kick in. for me, it took about three to four months before i noticed a change in my mood. but it DID happen ! but thing is, if anyone asked ME, id say medicines work(again, am not discounting a placebo effect). but then again, im 24. so i suppose i might not have even experienced a lot of stuff in life.

also i work for a pharma company meself(technically speaking im trying to start my own company. wish me luck !), so yeah i do have a fair how idea of how marketing works ..thers always the slightly ugly grey..but its not always black and white :)

thank you for taking the time out to reply alice !

Alice October 25, 2012 at 03:23

@Mopey

You said below you’d feel things would have turned out differently if you were medicated earlier…

I feel the same in REVERSE! (LOA in action, bringing us together) I was put on meds at only 14yrs of age.

I feel society overmedicates and doesn’t get to the roots of a problem, just as Melody says in the ADD blog… society sees a behaviour it doesn’t understand and decides to medicate this STAT!

Years later, I feel that they just made things worse and impeded my progress.
I often wonder if they gave me even worse health side-effects.

So use them to feel happier and once you are in a good space, tackle the issue behind it.

If it works for you, it’s a good solution, it just wasn’t the solution for me.

So I take back saying they are no good, it’s what’s right for the individual.

Consider Chinese and Indian traditional medicine too. (I know from where you live, this should be easy to find a practioner, strangely enough some of the best move overseas to Australia and UK! But there should be some good ones still living in the countries of origin.)

Alice October 24, 2012 at 07:01

That’s an amazing improvement!

Depression has it’s own ladder and being so far down that ladder and into suicide…to climb back up to even a spot where you are mildly sad is a huge achievement!!!

This is like a normal or average person becoming a completely (consistently and in their private life, not that guff many people show on the outside to impress others) shiney slap-happy puppy!

From how far down you were, to be here is amazing. Somepeople won’t get that, actually most people won’t or claim they do, but they are full of rubbish.

I do get it, and I’m literally screaming at you “WELL DONE!” and I’ll support you as much as I can.

Kat October 24, 2012 at 07:12

Wow, mopey, I’m glad for you, dear! This is the first I hear about antideps actually working so all the more power you. Thanks for this info.

From what I understood Abe say, drugs are okay as a crutch to help you eventually get back to your natural state because that is really how you should be playing and there are accounts if people getting off meds that their life depended on. That’s why I question their long term use vibrationally speaking. I do believe in using meds to help, but not when they are not really necessary or cause one to be worse off like that poor director.

Karin October 24, 2012 at 11:02

Here’s another antidepressant success story for you Kat! I have been on them for just under a year and they are working great – they haven’t dulled my emotions, in fact I’m just as emotional as I was before, but I get over my low moods much quicker and I don’t have as much anxiety. But then again, I have been doing a LOT of work – by myself, with Melody, and with the help of lots of other healing modalities. So I can’t really tell how much I have the antidepressants to thank. But I feel that they have been a really good crutch for me to be able to do the work I needed to do.

Oh, and also, my sex drive hasn’t decreased. In fact I have had no side effects at all from the antidepressants. I’m on a pill which according to research is less likely to cause side effects. But I believe that in part, this has to do with the Law of Attraction. I used to be very anti-medication, but when I decided to start taking them, I was at the end of my rope and just kind of surrendered and let go of the fears and negative beliefs I had around antidepressants. I believe they were a positive manifestation for me. I remember actually feeling relief when I finally gave in and went to the doctor to get a prescription. I expected them to be a positive crutch, and they have been. I actually felt effects from the first day, I was sitting at my desk at work and suddenly a massive cloud just lifted and I felt 10x lighter.

But I can also see how, from a LOA perspective, antidepressants could make things worse. If I had started taking them a few years ago, before I was fed up enough to let go of my negative expectations about antidepressants, I could have had worse side effects, or they might not have worked as well. I’m not saying they are for everyone, though. Just that I consider myself lucky to have started taking them at a time when I was exactly in the right frame of mind to be helped by them.

Kat October 24, 2012 at 13:12

Thanks so much Karin for this story. You let go and allowed, to me that is LOA at work, at least how I see it. Correct me if I am wrong. I am glad; good for you.

mopeychild October 24, 2012 at 12:18

@kat
see the thing is, deciding if drugs are necessary o not is a very tough job. i figured there was something wierd with the way i was thinking back when i was 15. but back i got laughed at and told that ‘ no fifteen year old kid is capable of monitoring their thoughts so much’ (Said by one of my closest friends. and i resented it when he said it, but now i dont. to each his own)
also my mom told me to toughen up and stop being ‘so weak’
thing is, if id started taking meds at 15 (plus therapy of course) my life mightve turned out differenntly by now, ten years later.

Kat October 24, 2012 at 13:24

I know, mopey, I understand. Depression can hit in childhood. It had nothing to do with what people say, though. I am so glad and relieved for you. You and Karin are the only success stories I know of.

I find that if I don’t dwell on it, depression will go away on its own. There is always an outside trigger which is why I turned to focusing on the inside by being grateful and appreciative. This helps getting out of it. It was never found if there ways anything wrong with my brain chemistry, though, so I was told to ride out the mood swings.

Others gave not been so successful with this topic so I appreciate all your input.

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 01:10

Hey mopey,

It’s not an all or nothing thing. Yes, antidepressants can help people. And they can make things a whole lot worse, too. They are a bandaid, a tool, which we can use to help us feel good enough to deal with the real issues. When we’ve shut down, those pills can help us regain our balance a bit. But if we don’t address the real problems, they will ultimately bite us in the ass big time.

Everyone manifests their shifts differently. But the high vibrations I’m talking about that lead to inspired sex don’t reside around depression. They reside around joy. So, you may raise your vibration a bit, and not yet get your libido back. But eventually, you will. It’s a process. And it can be helpful to abstain for a while, for some people. Sex can be used as a distraction too, and when that becomes a way of escaping in an unhealthy manner, it can actually be helpful to shut that down. Again, every path is a little different.

You can’t make the correlation that a bit of a rise in vibration will automatically lead to a bit of a rise in libido. Also, it’s possible to be happy but still have limiting beliefs on subjects around sex (or any other subject). It’s never an all or nothing thing. I hope that makes sense.

Huge hugs!
Melody

Alice October 25, 2012 at 03:29

In my experience I was told by a guy that worked in a new-age shop, that some of the sadest women looking for help, advice, happiness in a crystal or the tarrot cards…were the ones with really big libidos!

To me it makes sense that you’d have a high libido on both edges of extreme happy and sad.
This way the sad person is getting a connection through sex. Many women like he described used sex as the cloest thing to love they can get in their lives.

John Lewis October 24, 2012 at 17:08

“”Bottom line
Sex is awesome, be it with yourself or others, as long as you do it from a place of alignment. We are meant to feel good, and yet somehow, we’ve managed to demonize the one activity that we can all pretty much universally enjoy. Let’s stop that cycle, shall we? Go on with your bad, nasty, sexy self and go and get laid already. You know you want to. Tell them your friendly neighborhood LOA coach said it was ok.”"

WoW !!! What can one say except what a fantastic article – straight to the point , no sugar coating – loved it , you are truly one amazing woman to be able to tell it like it is , I’ve found most women (at least the one’s I’ve known) tend to shy away from wanting to talk about it when I have wanted to know their views on it.

I grew up in the late 60′s early 70′s when the slogan of the day was “Make love not War” which of course all us guys took literally and pursued it like horny rabbits. But you were right in what you said , sex , by the older generation was portrayed as something that was dirty and not to be exploited or discussed , I can still remember my father saying to me when i was a lot younger(6,7,8 or so) “if you keep playing with that it’ll end up falling off” which of course scared the living bejeezus outa me , I distinctively remember thinking bloody hell what if he’s right and it falls off what will I do then , all kinds of thoughts entered my little head and so began my downfall until I entered my late teens , my learning about sex and the wonderful experiences of it was only learnt by trial and error and solo sex/masturbation based on what my father had told me was definately out of the question , which , to me , when I look back now was utter BS but as the past can’t be changed I learnt that I just had to dismiss that belief and develop a new one based on facts and not anothers opinion.

Now Ladies please don’t take this the wrong way , I have no doubts that there are Ladies out there who wouldn’t do this , the same as there are men who wouldn’t do it but I have been in relationships where sex has been used as a control method of getting something else and to me it is wrong that it used as a method of control , I have learnt now how to tell if it is to be used as such and have learnt how to handle it when it starts to be used.

You are right Melody when you said you don’t have to be “in love” with the other person to enjoy good sex with them but it is important to love them as a person (if you know what I mean) Sex to me is the coming together of two consenting spirits/souls who are enjoying a God given experience in the art of making love , love being the high vibration that it is – being “in love” with a person is a whole different vibration where sex is not the ultimate experience , the ultimate experience is the love for that person and if a good sex relationship is present in the relationship then it is a blessing to be cherished it is not a factor that determines the love you feel for the person. As an example , a couple who have been together for 50 , 60 or so years may not have the same sex , if any , that they enjoyed when they were younger but it’s the love for each other that maintains their relationship not the sex. ( I’m not as good as Melody when it comes to putting the right words in place but hopefully you will understand what I mean)

Love to all ……… John

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 01:16

Hey John,

Thanks so much for sharing your valuable perspective. I had the great fortune of being raised by a child of the 60′s, which helped a lot, considering I was also subjected to Catholic school, lol. I remember in Sports class, the nun would scold us if we allowed another girl to see any part of our bodies, as if that was a sin. Oh man…

And yes, many people do use sex as a way to control their partner and it’s not healthy. It’s fear based and that kind of sex has nothing to do with inspired sex. The kind of intimacy you describe can only come when both partners love AND respect each other. You have to actually like the person you’re with, he, he.

Huge hugs to you my hippie friend. Oh, and I guarantee you and everyone else here. You can’t play with it enough to make it fall off. ;)

Melody

Alice October 25, 2012 at 03:41

Oh man that nun would have wrecked so many bi-curious girls lives!!!

I remember growing up, sex was something people over 17 did, so those young highschool girls seemed to find a loophole form 13+ as you saw a couple here and there experimenting with each other.

Personally I thought I was asexual until over 16! People thought I was, because I was surrounded by many early starting people of all sexualities.
I didn’t start dating until 17 and with a man, so I was kinda an alien!!!!

I just wasn’t interested so young!!!

And that’s still rather normal in public schools, you see the occasional thing like this at train stations.
Maybe because sex wasn’t tabbo in my house, I had no need for this.

I think that’s similar to cultures that ban sex before marriage…you see so many “gay” men like that, all touchy feely, huggy, kissy with each other, because they are denied females.

Nay October 25, 2012 at 00:01

Awesome!

Love the comparison, ‘Kill all babies at birth. People have murdered people. We just can’t trust ourselves.’ That in a nutshell gives the only point needed when talking about anything that is overblown in our society. The norm now is to react in the extreme when it comes to sexual behavior and those who fall out of the ‘acceptable norm.’ And our human past has so much denial and abstinence thrown in; old beliefs perpetuated into the now, even when they don’t make sense.

I used to think women had more issues, but now, I really can’t say. Too many issues from the male side coming out now. I think extreme and outrageous standards have been set for both sexes, and can be just as harsh on the men as the women. I do think that women have been sexual ‘victims’ more than men, but the pressure and taboos equally effect both.

We definitely need to focus on the wonderfulness of sex. The amazing feelings and closeness we can experience from sex and how much good those feelings can do…when we aren’t coming up with why it’s so wrong to want and do what we do in our sexual relationships.

And just as an aside, I was thinking about how life would be if humans went through the rutt and experienced going into heat, like so many of our animal counterparts. Wouldn’t that be…interesting? Maybe we wouldn’t have so many body/sex issues, cause the ‘need to breed’ doesn’t have time for such nonsense. ;)

Hahahahahaha * gasp * hahahahahahaha. OMG, can’t stop laughing. :lol: Visuals of women yowling with butts in the air to attract the males, and men curling back their lips in stunningly disturbing ways, to get a good whiff to determine a females readiness; then the chase is on. I know different species, but just hilarious!

Wait, is this why paranormal romance (or, as my husband calls them, paranormal porn) is so popular? Because the non-human instincts of the male makes them driven to have their female, and the females just can’t resist his blatant and focused sexual attraction and interest in them? I do love me some hot, instinct driven, alpha male romances! :D

Thanks Melody, for a good dose of truth to focus on! (And yes disturbing visual assists even if you didn’t plan them.)

Melody Fletcher October 25, 2012 at 01:23

Hey Nay!

You know, I think we do go into heat. It may not manifest quite the same way in us as it does in those monkeys with the red butts, but all the same. We secrete pheromones at certain times of the month, and horniness definitely increases just before ovulation.

You know, I wonder about that too. I love me some Trueblood. And so do many, many women. Why? I’ve thought about this. It’s the beauty and the beast fantasy. The idea of taming the beast, being the one woman who can make him control himself, lol. That would be immensely flattering. Oh, and I suppose it also gives our puritanical sides permission to let go. The idea of a supernatural being turning us on to the point where we can’t help ourselves. Well, it’s easier to believe in the fantasy of that, than that one of the normal men in our reality could drive us that wild. It gives us permission to be all primal and shit.

On the other hand, maybe it’s just that that werewolf guy is super hot. ;)

Huge sexy hugs!
Melody

Nay October 25, 2012 at 02:19

Mmmhmmm to that werewolf guy! Holy man hunk, I think I’m ovulating… 8O

Alice October 25, 2012 at 03:47

Blaherg!

This is like walking in on parents having sex!

I didn’t need to know that lol! :-)

Good day!

Tess The Bold Life October 27, 2012 at 02:00

Hi Melody,

Sex and masturbation are great. I don’t see any good coming from porn. And if there is good…at whose expense?

I would like to see more about the dangers of porn here. It’s very addictive. The porn industry’s target market is 8 year old boys. It has been for the last 8 years. Why? To educate them before their parents even think about talking to them about sex. Most mothers don’t have a clue that this is going on, don’t know about fathers.

Porn depicts women as pieces of meat and it shows women saying no to sex but enjoying it. So it comes off as “no doesn’t really mean no.” Parents and their sex talks no matter how often, how clear, and how healthy can’t compete with the porn kids can get their hands on 24/7.

I absolutely agree education and being open is vital however a raging teenagers hormones are no match for the education their parents give them. How can they not resist?

No male or female ever grew up saying I want to be a porn star. They have usually suffered severe sexual abuse in whatever form. Do you know how porn films are made? They take hours and hours to get just minutes of porn. During breaks the porn stars both men and women are in the bathrooms shooting up and drinking. Then there is the diseases, the trips to the hospital for tears etc while filming, the self hatred…the list goes on.
I used to work in addictions as a therapist. I used to have a website on porn addiction and interviewed several porn stars in recovery and porn addicts asking me for advice.
Sad. Sad. Sad.

The reason porn is so addictive is because the images are burned in our brain while having an orgasm. Burned in. One of the reasons this addiction is so hard to break is because it’s harder than hell to get the images out of our heads even when someone wants to with their entire being.

Also the women in porn are mostly Barbie looking. Males then lose any interest in having sex with their wives or girlfriends who don’t have those figures and can’t measure up. I’ve heard young girls say their competition with their boyfriends are the porn stars. Again. I find it so sad.

I’ll end here. Thanks for letting me rant.

I haven’t seen the good porn that was mentioned in the comments.
Just sayin!
Tess The Bold Life invites you to read..Why Positive Thinking Is a Bold ChoiceMy Profile

Melody Fletcher October 30, 2012 at 01:48

Hey Tess,

Certainly, there’s a really dark side to porn. But I won’t unequivocally renounce it. I’ve seen some good porn, and I’ve had partners who enjoyed and didn’t lose interest in me as a result. If I’d been competing with a porn star or anyone else, I’d have left. There’s no need to settle for a jerk. There’s a difference between porn addiction and occasionally enjoying some.

Also, you’re going to laugh, but I do have one gay friend who wanted to a porn star. Last I heard, he became one and loves every minute of it. Are most porn stars messed up? Yes. But not all. Why not focus on the little bit of positive that there is in that industry and let that grow? I think if our society treated sex differently, sex workers would be treated differently, too. There may not be as much of a need for them, or they would be much happier (and not prone to drug addiction, etc.)

You’re always welcome to rant about porn here Tess if it makes you feel better, lol. :D

Huge hugs!!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Releasing Regret – Can We Change The Past?My Profile

Alice November 4, 2012 at 07:08

Ya know what’s creepy? Seeing some guys with wardrobes full of crusty old magazines….
Actually, you should say helpful… you make a mental note not to let any of your friends date them…
There we go..even porn addiction could be a useful red flag.

btw… How would people line up with more sex, without having to flirt or ask or have a wardrobe full of “women of all varieties”
casually strewn on the floor as if it weren’t obvious enough they would like sex…

I am just making sure the sex blog doesn’t go dead, not on my watch!

Melody Fletcher November 4, 2012 at 18:34

Hmmm, porn addiction or porn collection? He, he. I guess the “crusty” part determines the difference (collectors keep stuff wrapped in plastic…) I’ve personally never come across anyone with wardrobes full of porn. Not sure how I’d react to that.

Actually, those activities would fall under “trying too hard”. Inspired flirting is quite different from trying to flirt to see if it’ll get you laid. Inspired flirting comes from feeling sexy and good about yourself. I had a sexy day just this past week. For no apparent reason, I just woke up feeling hella sexy (I was feeling good anyhow, but it turned into sexiness that day). I didn’t wear anything special, just jeans and a sweater, didn’t do major makeup (in fact, I didn’t wear any…) and my hair was groomed but not super styled. I looked fine but not spectacular. Well, as I walked down the street, I noticed men, loads of them, checking me out. I’m not going to say this never happens, but usually it’s a man here and there (I also live in a gay neighborhood, so that makes it more rare). But this day, it was like every man on the street had a hankering for some Melody. Huh. I would’ve taken very little effort on my part to get to chatting with them. I could’ve easily flirted. I was happy enjoying the attention without taking it further.

So, if you want to get laid more, work on feeling truly sexy (not the fake sexy where you tell yourself you are. The real sexy where you KNOW you are), and the Universe will do the rest. :)

The sex blog will never die my dear. Also, it’s now in the most popular post listing, so it will continue to get highlighted to one and all. That, and apparently the search engines send a lot of weird traffic to blog posts with the word sex in them. So, you know, there’s THAT.
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Alice November 5, 2012 at 03:50

Yeah, they really had wardrobes full, and stacks on the floor… The more you get to know me, the more you are learning I’ve known many colourful characters. I’m not complaining. I never wanted an ordinary life, just a happy crazy one. So far I got the crazy down pat.

It was certainly a turn off. Their computer was also filled with photos of women they had sex with or wanted to have sex with (internet photos)
but I noticed they had quite a few standing naked in their bedroom…. so I was really thrown by how he still managed to pull ladies (attractive ladies) into his disgusting den of porn stacks.

Why was I there? I was a friend, and if I had any ideas like that…well they dried up with the crusty porn stacks…. This wasn’t how they came across outside of the weird den of magazines. Just someone I hung out with.

As for the “getting laid more” well what I said about this guy seems to defy LOA, hence the question. He screams “desperate pervert” but still pulled women in. (that weren’t his friend like I was)

Directing it to me personally… I don’t have an issue in this area. Especially if single…then you have a large range of choice.
I’ve never had a problem as a single female, if you do…there’s something seriously wrong.

But I’m not single. I’m in a strange, unrequited but sometimes requited love/break-up relationship that’s often in a bad emotional state.
Now that’s a different kettle of fish, as there’s plenty of great sex, but often not when I want it or vise-versa, so the timing is just off.

Melody Fletcher November 5, 2012 at 16:52

Having a stack of crusty porn wouldn’t necessarily keep one from pulling. You can still be a match to getting laid and have issues brewing underneath. It happens all the time. Whatever issue was causing this level of porn, it didn’t need to manifest in keeping him from getting laid. But, it might’ve kept him from true intimacy. Or something else. It’s really impossible to judge other people’s manifestations from the outside.

Alice December 6, 2012 at 02:58

It got knocked off the most popular.

Lest we forget. :-)

B January 7, 2013 at 03:09

LOL ‘love glove’, that has to be the funniest thing I have heard in such a long time xD! Thank you for the sh*ts and giggles, Melody :D

Mike February 15, 2013 at 09:34

Fun post! Must’ve missed this one. Being the computer nerd I am, I first learned about it online (Yahoo was the big search engine then) so I can’t imagine how many kids are learning early today just by doing Google searches. “The talk” will become a thing of the past as kids get more tech savvy (parental controls are pretty laughable today).

I read an interesting article not too long ago about men who come home everyday & watch their favorite pornstars online like they have an actual date with them. Their partners are frustrated because these pornstars do just about everything under the sun & they expect their partner to as well. Funny how resistance can show up today.

There was always one common belief that didn’t sit right with me as a man pertaining to sex & energy. I remember hearing it first from a coach I had in high school. He would encourage us not to engage in any sexual activity when we had a game coming up because it could drain our energy & focus. At first, I thought he meant this in terms of diverting our attention or just being physically tired from the activity itself, but I came across several sources the following years stating how when a man ejaculates, he’s releasing energy & getting more depleted. Hence the taoist, tantric, whatever practice of avoiding ejaculation if possible (for men anyway). Now, I like the side of that that’s saying not to focus on completion & enjoy the whole experience, but this popular explanation that men get depleted never sat right with me. I guess I just like to think of everything that feels good as energy rising. At the same time, sometimes feelings of pure exhaustion after intense activity can be as blissful & high vibrational as ever :-)

Melody Fletcher February 16, 2013 at 19:32

Hmmm, you raise some interesting points, Mike.

First of all, if your man is having regular cyberdates with a pornstar while he’s with you, there’s a whole lot more wrong than disagreements on who’s willing to do what…

This is what comes to mind on the depleting energy through ejaculation thingy: I wonder if being horny makes one more aggressive (or be able to be more aggressive?). When there’s something you want that you’re not, um, currently getting, wouldn’t it lead you to be more driven? For example, if I’m angry, I work a lot harder on the treadmill without even realizing it. Perhaps when someone is content, they don’t feel as much drive to plow into other dudes as when they are gagging for it. OMG, I have to stop now. I can’t breathe.

But my point is serious. Perhaps athletes deliberately put themselves in a position of denying themselves what they want so that they build up that energy and use what could be a negative thing to their advantage. Just a thought…

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Mike February 26, 2013 at 22:32

Sure, I can see that! Sounds like the basis for a great study….two evenly matched teams, one spends a night or two with friendly escorts, the other abstains, practices & watches replays. Now, if only we could find participants for that first group lol

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