How To Say No, Or Is It Possible To Be Too Nice?

Post image for How To Say No, Or Is It Possible To Be Too Nice?

by Melody Fletcher on September 20, 2012

 

Courtney asks, “I pride myself on my personality, which is caring, kind, generous and easy-going.  However, I find myself cringing anytime someone refers to me as nice.  Or even worse…sweet.  It actually makes my stomach a little sick to hear those words.  For some reason, in my mind, being “sweet” is not a good thing, even though I should be proud of who I am and how I deal with others.  I know my feelings have a lot to do with our society and how people feel that using selfishness and aggression are the only ways a person can achieve success.  I feel like people equate niceness with being a pushover, immature, or someone who can’t be taken seriously.  I’m at a point in my life where I’m beginning to not be proud of the reputation that I have as a nice person and it’s a weird feeling.  It’s terribly important to me that I treat others with kindness, but I get offended if someone else mentions it.  It seems to me that when people refer to you as nice, or sweet, in their minds, it really means something different…and it bothers me. 

My mother once told me that I should be who I am, but maybe not so much at work or in other “serious” situations.  That’s a difficult task because I don’t know how to be anyone else.  It doesn’t feel or come across as real when I try to be aggressive or domineering, because that’s not who I am…but is that a bad thing?  I know aggressiveness is not an ideal personality trait, but it seems like people treat you with more respect when you are vocal about your feelings and don’t take crap from others.  My question is, how can I use the LOA to come to terms with who I truly am as a person?  How can I be comfortable with my personality and stop second guessing others when they use positive words to describe me?  Is being “sweet” a positive attribute…I don’t know anymore.” 

I think there’s a real misconception here, that states that being nice and standing up for yourself, are mutually exclusive. I’m afraid I’m going to have to call bullshit on that one. Sure, people mean different things when they use the word “nice”, and some of them are derogatory. But that’s really kind of irrelevant. What’s important is what YOU mean by it, because that determines how you feel about it.

We all want to be nice

Ok, maybe not all. There are those who actually take pride in being total bastards. But for the most part, we all like to think of ourselves as good people, as someone who would help others in need, wouldn’t hurt anyone unnecessarily and certainly not on purpose, who treats people with respect, etc. Basically, hardly anyone likes to think of themselves as an a**hole. To me, that’s what being nice means, in a nutshell.

But we bristle when we think the word “nice” is being used to mean “pushover”. We don’t really want to be the person that everyone dumps their crap on because we lack the backbone to say no. We don’t always want to have to compromise because we’re too timid to speak up for what we want. We don’t want to have to do everything ourselves because we were too “nice” to ask for help. To me, this type of behavior is no longer classified as “nice”. This is the definition of a doormat, and the two are not the same thing.

How we got manipulated

I’m not big on conspiracy theories, but it’s not hard to see how twisting the word nice could be used as a manipulative tactic. Again, few of us want to come off as an a**hole or a bitch, and so we’ll generally avoid those behaviors that make us feel that way. But when you distort the meaning of being nice to automatically include being a doormat, it makes it seem like the only two options available are to be a bastard or a pushover. And given that choice, many of us will opt for pushover rather than go around walking over bodies.

Here’s a newsflash, though: Those are not the only two options available.

Option 1: Be a total douche. Get others to do your bidding by bullying them into submission. Basically, if you yell loud enough, they won’t even challenge you. Secretly cry yourself to sleep at night because no one likes you.

Option 2: Be a total pushover. Say yes to every request, even if you don’t want to. Put your own needs last no matter what, so that you’ll never come off as someone who belongs in Option 1. Snap and go postal at some point.

Option 3: Find the balance between these two extremes. Be nice, help others when you want to and can, but have no problem saying no when the request doesn’t fit into your intentions. Ask for what you want in a nice way that actually gets results. Know that you are a nice person with LIMITS. Live a long and happy life, possibly filled with chocolate and sex.

Nice is not the same as weak

Niceness should never be mistaken for weakness. Someone can be perfectly nice, and yet still have a backbone made of titanium. The key is to

  1. Know who you are (know your worth)
  2. Know what you really want (what are your real priorities)
  3. Pick your battles (let stuff that isn’t important to you go)
  4. Be persistent (when something is truly important, stand up for it and don’t back down)
  5. Compromise to get what you want (a combination of 3 and 4. Compromise on the stuff that’s not important to you, to get what you truly want.)

You don’t have to be scary to get what you want

Bullying people into submission may be one way to get what you want, but it’s not the only way, and certainly not the best way. Fear and respect are not the same thing. If you’re an a**hole, people may fear you and do what you want. But, when they respect and like you, which they will not if you’re not nice, they’ll bend over backwards to help you and do it gladly.

The fear of hearing “no”

We assume that if we ask someone to help us nicely, that they’ll say no. We assume that if we want others to help us, we have to force them to do it or manipulate them into it. But, what a horrible view of humanity that is! And a false one, to boot!

In general, people will help when they can. Sometimes they may say no, but they’ll usually have a very valid reason (if you have trouble saying no, listen up!)

  • It’s not something they can do (do you really want someone trying to help you with something when they don’t know what they’re doing?)
  • They don’t have the time (do you want them to say yes only to not be able to honor their commitment? Wouldn’t you rather that they say no?)
  • They don’t want to do it (yes, this is a perfectly valid reason to say no. Sure, you can guilt or otherwise manipulate someone into doing something for you, or you can even bully them into it, but you’ll never get them to do as good of a job or build the goodwill you’ll get from finding someone who is genuinely glad to help.)

So, when someone says no to you, it generally has nothing to do with how they feel about you. It’s not a rejection, it’s a scheduling conflict, a skill set issue or a question of motivation. Just move on and ask someone else.

And if you’re the person being asked, you’re absolutely entitled to say “no”. It won’t make you a bitch. It simply means that you honor yourself and how you feel, more than this other person. You’re not willing to make yourself unhappy or work yourself into the ground just to do them a favor. And you can certainly say no and still be nice.

When you’re nice and they aren’t

But let’s say you work in an environment where you’re nice, but those around you aren’t. The bullies love to take advantage of the nice, and love to use the twisted meaning of the word nice to manipulate you into doing their bidding. And you may not have been willing to stand up for yourself up until now, because you weren’t willing to stoop to their level.

But you don’t have to fight fire with fire. You don’t have to fight at all. Just refuse to play their game. For example, if someone comes up to you and barks “I need this by Friday!”, instead of asking you if you wouldn’t mind, just say “Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t.” Then, shut up. When you try to justify your no, you’ll often talk yourself right into a yes. Make this your standard response if someone isn’t going to give you chance to say no by at least telling you what it is that they need. Do this a few times, and you’ll have trained them to NOT expect an immediate yes.

If they then confront you with “What do you mean, you can’t?”, explain that your schedule is full. At this point, they may tell you about their request and explain why it’s important. Now, you can make an informed decision on whether or not you can help, but you’ve already said no, so if you don’t want to do it (or truly can’t), you just have to stay with your previous answer. Saying yes would be doing them a favor (but it’s still your choice, which feels very different than having been bullied into it).

Saying no to your boss

If the person barking orders at you is your boss, you may not feel entitled to say no, but you still can. You just do it differently. For example, let’s say your boss just hands you an assignment, and tells you it’s due by Friday. You know that with your current workload you’re going to be a total stressball by the weekend as it is. Your inclination as a nice person may be to just say yes. And you certainly don’t want to dismiss your boss with a curt “No, I’m sorry, I can’t.”

But you can say “Which of my other priorities would you then like me to push back to next week?” Then, name the other projects you’ve got going. Don’t just assume that they’re aware of your workload. Make them aware and then ask them to help you re-prioritize it based on this new request. This way, they may change the deadline on one of your projects, or decide to ask someone else. Now, at this point, the bully boss may try to push you, hoping that you’ll just back down, and tell you that all of your projects are equally important and are still all due by Friday. If that happens, stay calm and strong. Look them straight in the eye and nicely (yes, nicely) say, “I’m sorry, that’s not possible. I only have 24 hours in my day. One of these deadlines will have to be moved, or I’m afraid you’ll have to find someone else for it. It’s truly not possible.” Note, you can’t get bitchy or defensive when you say this, which would indicate that you expect them to be unreasonable about it. Expect them to be a human being.

At this point, most halfway reasonable bosses will see the light and back down. The ones that don’t, tend to become abusive and unreasonable (like asking you to work 72 hours in a row), at which point you can always go to HR. Keep in mind, that if this is your work situation, you have some serious vibrational cleanup to do. But this post is about opening up your options, to show you that it is possible to stand up for yourself without turning into a screaming ninja bitch (thank you Nay). Using these techniques out will actually help you overcome your fears about being authentic, which will shift your energy, so that you’ll manifest nicer people into your reality.

Saying no to your family

But what if the person you can’t say “no” to is your mother or someone else in your family? I’ve found the simple “I’m sorry, I can’t”, often said over and over again, works just fine. They will be persistent, especially if they’re not used to you saying no. They may well try to guilt you into it, or manipulate you or even bully you (aren’t families fun?), but don’t back down. Don’t scream, don’t get upset, just stay calm and firm. Just keep saying no. And then shut up (don’t talk yourself out of the no!).

You’ll probably have to repeat yourself several times, but eventually, they will have to accept your answer. Don’t feel the need to justify yourself. You don’t need a “good” reason to say no. Not wanting to do it (see above) is a perfectly valid reason. Think about it: If you don’t want to do something, and someone is telling you that you should even if you don’t want to, what they are essentially saying is: “How I feel should be more important to you than you feel.” And these are the people who often have the gall to call you selfish. Sheesh.

Have you been accused of being too nice? Or have you felt pressured to be more aggressive? Share in the comments!

Want more?

The following blog post gives you more information on how to stand up for yourself while being nice:

Quiet Strength – How To Stand Up For Yourself Without Being A Bitch

You can listen to a free coaching call that details “nice” confrontation here:

Overcoming Your Fear Of Confrontation – A Coaching Call

 

 

 

{ 98 comments }

nupur September 20, 2012 at 14:18

vow…what a lovely article. Especially I like your closure para also….that they saying us selfish …when they only care about is how they feel.
I also loved the point of not being defensive…and simply stating it….!
My weak point…is I always go in the defensive mode…. loved it..

thanks…:)
luv u

Melody Fletcher September 20, 2012 at 22:26

Thanks so much Nupur! I’m glad you liked this post.

Huge happy shiny puppy hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Quick LOA Questions Volume 10 – Manifesting, Stray Thoughts and ArtistsMy Profile

Laura September 20, 2012 at 16:08

This used to be a bigger of a problem for me before I learned how to be a bit more assertive. I call it an aspect of codependence since the worry of what others think, say and do is the issue here.

I don’t seem to have as much of a problem saying no to non-family anymore, but still have the hang-up with family. Even when I do say no and stick to it, I usually figure the one I say no to is going to get angry. This is usually about a family get together for someone’s birthday or a holiday. And I don’t always want to go. (The reasons are vast and something for my journal…lol:))

Anyway, I feel like I need to come up with a reason (read excuse) other than I just don’t want to go, although that at times has been the only reason. I hate to lie, but sometimes to keep the peace I do it. “Oh I can’t make it because B’s cousin is visiting from Pluto and he’ll only be here that one day.” ;-) (B is my roommate and best friend.)

It’s the fear of what will come with the confrontation and I think that’s what’s behind wanting to be “nice.” At least that’s what it is for me. You know, them getting angry, judging me, talking behind my back, etc.

Thing is, the thoughts that go through my head, when I don’t honor my feelings, are not nice. If I say yes to someone and want to say no, then I’m angry at me for not speaking my true mind and resentful toward them.

I guess ‘ya’ gotta care more about how you’ll feel about saying yes (or no) than ‘you’ do about what other people will think, say and do.

On the asking for help thing though: My roommate (a man) has difficulty asking for help, whether it’s to carry a few bags of groceries into the house or move the couch, he just doesn’t ask. Of course if I’m in the vicinity and see he needs the help, I just do it. But there have been times he’ll do something that I KNOW was difficult to do on one’s own and I say “Why didn’t you ask me for help?” And then I proceed to tell him (nicely) please ask me for help when you need it. But he usually still doesn’t.

Thanks for a really great article Mel. And thanks for the question Courtney. This is a topic that I can certainly relate to.

Hugs.
L

Melody Fletcher September 20, 2012 at 22:31

Hey Laura,

You have to get comfortable with the idea of people being angry with you. Anger is a great manipulator – especially family members like to use it. But honestly, if someone gets angry with you for honoring how you feel, that’s their issue (read the last paragraph of the post again.) Of course they love it when you just say yes. It makes life easy for them and that’s great. But when you start putting their needs above yours, not because it’s necessary or some kind of emergency, but routinely, just to be nice, you are sending a message to yourself that you are not as important as they are. That’s a great way to build low self esteem.

It’s not that you shouldn’t care how your family feels. But you have to care more about how you feel, or at some point, there won’t be anything left of you. It’s hard at first, but your family will get used to your new limits and they will survive. Trust me.

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Emergency LOA: What To Do When The Sh*t Is Hitting The FanMy Profile

Linda September 20, 2012 at 18:54

Once again this is an awesome response. Right on time for me!
As much as I get what you are saying, I have trouble when its time to say no, because I feel that if my only reason for not doing something is because I don’t want to that’s not a good enough reason. I feel like I have to have a better reason than that, like a scheduling conflict or something that makes it impossible for me to do what is being asked. I have even lied sometimes (which makes me feel even worse because as an adult I shouldn’t have to lie about anything) because I thought that it was better to have a reason that sounded good than just saying no because I didn’t want to do it. I can honestly say that in my lifetime I cannot recall one time that I have responded to a serious request with a flat-out “no”. Not one. Just as you said, I talk myself right out of my own no’s or let people hound me until my no turns into a yes. I’ve even noticed my kids doing this to me. Being a “nice” person sometimes feels like a very heavy burden to carry and it shouldn’t.
I just re-read the post and I still have trouble accepting that not wanting to do something is good enough. In my mind that equals selfishness, especially if its something that can be done without too much trouble. I guess I have some work to do!

Melody Fletcher September 20, 2012 at 22:36

Hey Linda,

Actually, not wanting to do it is the best reason to say no. I’m not talking about emergencies (in which case you probably want to help anyway). But often, when someone requests something of you, it’s because they don’t want to do it, either. Oh sure, they may say they can’t (they do the same thing you do), but the real reason is often that they don’t want to, even if they don’t know it themselves. And so, they pawn it off on you. Keep in mind that a solution exists that allows for everyone to come out a winner, but your family member will never find that solution, will never learn to even look for it, if you keep doing the Universe’s job and jumping in and just doing it. If you are not enthusiastically participating, then you are not the right person for the job. That person exists, and LOA and find them, but not if you keep getting in the way with your good intentions and guild complex. ;)

Does that perspective help? :lol:

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..How My Teeth Tried To Kill Me And Why I’m Glad They DidMy Profile

Vidya Sury September 20, 2012 at 19:54

It is true that we become over-anxious over how the recipient of our “no” might react, and almost always this one factor stops us from standing up for ourselves. But the moment we say “no”, even if for a trivial thing, the confidence and relief is tremendous!

I found myself nodding yes yes yes as I read this!

Stupendous post!

Love, Vidya
Vidya Sury invites you to read..No Entry For ObstaclesMy Profile

Melody Fletcher September 20, 2012 at 22:37

Thanks Vidya. Learning how to say no is immensely freeing. It’s so weird. Once you get comfortable with it, you don’t even consider being guilted into saying yes. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..LOA and Healing or Changing The Physical BodyMy Profile

Nay September 20, 2012 at 21:44

Wonderful Melody,

This could be why some salespeople do so well. So many people hate to say no, or feel guilty or that they are being mean if they don’t want what is being offered. So they cave in and get whatever it is just to avoid saying no. (Been there, done that, but I’m better now ;) )

And families are hard. We have one in the family who is very good at getting others to do everything for them, usually by guilt and bullying. She doesn’t do it to everyone, but watching when she does it is very hard. It’s actually caused a rift in the family because other family members are so sick of watching her husband do everything while she sits and demands. And if he dares to say ‘No’ or ‘I can’t'… or someone else says anything, let the fireworks begin. But then we get tired of him, because he just does it, then complains to others about it later. He never stands up for himself. And it’s even harder because we know she loves him and he loves her. It’s just so obvious even with the drama.

But, it is their relationship and they have to figure it out. They have to find that middle ground. And most spouses truly want the other happy. To me, that’s why he continues to do it. He truly wants her happy, and when they fight about it, she is hurt. So he just falls back in line keeping the peace.

And of course, we have to look at ourselves too. We are seeing this for a reason. I’m always telling my husband, leave it alone. He hates watching it, and wants to stop it. But he can’t fix it. But I know they have to figure it out.

Seeing this kind of thing, even if you are not one of the players is frustrating. And yes, I am wondering about my view of this. I know I am seeing this and being frustrated because of my thoughts. I don’t have problems with her ever doing it to me, and we get along great! But I hate when I see how she treats him.

So I have to ask myself what my issue is. Maybe because I have been the pushover in the past, the one who did everything and hated to say no? Maybe I’m sympathyzing with him, while at the same time know he is the only one who can fix it.

Sorry, a little on the side of the post.
Great and useful information, as always!

Melody Fletcher September 20, 2012 at 22:42

Hey Nay,

Remember that you can’t judge his or her experience. Yes, he may complain about it, but they are mirroring something back to each other, and it’s all useful. The situation is perfect for them both and when they are ready to change, when they can’t take whatever is bothering them anymore (and it’s both, not just him), they will shift. You are reacting from your perspective, but he is getting something from this situation, or he wouldn’t stay.

And you’re right – you’re being triggered in some way. Perhaps it’s your own residual inability to say no to certain people (not her). Could be something else. You’ll figure it out, you sleuth you. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Exciting Changes at Deliberate Receiving!My Profile

Nay September 20, 2012 at 23:23

Hi,

Yes it is both of them, because she isn’t happy either, so there’s so much more going on. And there’s so much I could add to their story, but will stop right here.

Thank you!

Jen Smith September 20, 2012 at 21:48

This is a really useful article. I have struggled with this myself and often work with coaching clients on this area of life. It is good to think about the different scenarios that you may find yourself in and how to change your reflex responses. I think it’s important to build up your self esteem and realise that you are as important as others – it helps to reaffirm why it is ‘ok’ to say no and that you deserve the best too.

Melody Fletcher September 20, 2012 at 22:43

Hey Jen,

Exactly! When we keep saying yes to others even when we don’t want to, it sends the message that we are not important. That’s a great way to build low self esteem. Ick. But when we start honoring ourselves more, it quickly shifts how we feel about ourselves, as well. Yay!

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..How I Gave Myself Permission To Play AgainMy Profile

Kim September 21, 2012 at 01:43

How funny! i just said no to a friend asking me to go to a concert. My husband wanted to know why I said no and I responded ” I’m just not feeling it and I need to honor that for whatever the underlying reason.” That really made me feel good because normally I would go just because I was asked and not because I truly wanted to go. The concert is on a week night and I have to work tomorrow but truly if this were something I really wanted to do, I would have gone whether it was a week night or not.

This post just confirmed that I’m definitely beginning to honor myself.

Thanks and HUGE HUGS,

Kim

Melody Fletcher September 21, 2012 at 22:35

Fantastic Kim!!! Way to go! And doesn’t it feel good to take care of yourself that way?

Yay!
Happy shiny puppy hugs for you!

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Dear LOA: What’s The Point Of Being Here?My Profile

Zivana Anderson September 21, 2012 at 01:45

There is a real art form to saying NO, but it is the most valuable skill anyone can learn. Women especially. Thanks for sharing the article.

Melody Fletcher September 21, 2012 at 22:36

You’re so very welcome Zivana. You’re right, in our society, women often have a bigger issue saying now than men. But men are by no means immune, that’s for sure. Some men may actually act intimidating so no one approaches them in the first place, rather than have to say no…

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..How To Network For Success Without Feeling Like A Total DouchebagMy Profile

Kane September 21, 2012 at 03:54

Very good Melody,

However this does focus on people being able to say “no”. A good start on the topic of not being a doormat.

The other assumption people have is that if someone is prone to attracting bullies in various situations, that they are also a pushover.

I’ve been acquainted with one woman who is attractive, well-educated and got herself into a good job.
There is nothing “pushover” about her, nothing weak, she is fairly good at sticking up for herself.
However bullies seem to smell her “come hither bully” scent for a mile away because this woman always ends up with some insidious workplace bully. She has changed jobs only to find a similar person intent on their jealously and difficult behavior.
They never seem to grow up as this woman is in her 40s’ and so are the bully/bullies.

What are the invisible things a strong person still manges to send out to attract difficult or bullying people? How does the bully know this?

No matter what advice she took, how straight her back is, how accomplished she is, power-dressed and confident in speaking— a bully will still manage to see through “something” and make her life difficult.
They flat out refuse to co-operate, they don’t do their job, they insult and degrade her in front of other colleagues…
No amount of politeness works. Being assertive doesn’t work. Nothing seems to work for her.
She is a bully magnet and again I wonder what they SEE that a normal person can’t see?

Similarly I am having an issue with “bullies” and I feel embarrassed to say this as I’m quite biting myself and stubborn.
The other annoying thing is once you have attracted a bully, you immediately look weak, because no matter if you are muscle bound, brain-surgeon with looks, strength and brains…
people will still see the counterpart of a bully as a “victim” and this is highly insulting to me.
I am nobodies victim, yet there I am often standing in argument or walking away from some kind of idiotic bully!
This is particularly annoying for me as I am generally nice, but not brady-bunch nice!

A recent example would be in my gym. So there I am working out and talking to other people also working out.
There’s this one person that I have always considered a “frienemy” because I have attempted to become friends with them as I generally can befriend most people.

(I’ll see how long this comment is first!)

Kane September 21, 2012 at 04:13

Ok to continue:

This “frienemy” seemed amiable enough at first, but quite curt and not really warm.

They were helpful to workout with, always gave good diet and exercise tips. But came across as quite selfish.
They would only talk to me when other people were not available (made this too obvious) and talk AT me in a booming voice.
When I tried to interject for a two-way conversation they would listen with the intention of finding another gap for them to talk.
They were champion of interruptions (not the cute interruptions of chattery women, who ARE listening to you and cannot contain their excitement, thus the interrupting) but interrupting in the arrogant what-you-are-saying-is-not-important type of way and on a completely different topic.

So I did the sensible thing and just avoided this arrogant ass. BUT then they somehow infiltrated my circle of friends.
So in my attempt to tolerate them always being around and in my face, again I tried to talk with them.
Most recently they openly insulted me in front of the group. (you’d be amazed at my control as I so dearly wanted to floor them right there and then)

Now this is where I get stuck Melody, with all shapes and sizes of bullies.

I want to retain my dignity and not be a doormat. BUT I DO NOT want to be degraded to their level of tit-for-tat insults and fights.
This would make me look as stupid as them.
My friends have said I can’t just stand there or walk away as I look like a pushover and this encourages more rudeness.

So when this person openly insulted me, instead of flinging an insult back I reacted rather lamely.
I said they needed a sense of humor and there was no need to insult me and then walked away.
I did this in a weak way and it wasn’t effective as now they laugh at me whenever I walk past.

I admit I am shaken by confrontation as I try to move away from my old self that would have just ripped into them with some very nasty insults. I’m trying to improve my reputation and be mature.
But it just felt so horrible and I feel they need a good lashing to wipe the smirk off their face.

People have started being rude to me and I don’t know what to do without flying off the handle. They really do need to be put in their place.

So how do we deal with bullies in general, stop attracting them and also put them in their place in a cool way that makes them look foolish and not appear victimized/cowardly.

Kane September 21, 2012 at 04:22

Also how to fight urge to throw a dumbbell into their head. ;-)

UniquePerception September 21, 2012 at 22:29

Kane, here’s a UniquePerception:

When another berates/insults you in front of others …a unique comeback would be to”Smile” and say to them…”It sounds like you’ve lost control over your emotions” ..Or “ Sounds like your emotions are gaining control of you…I’ll let you have some space to gain that control back” …talk to you later …smile….as you walk away.smiling

As they walk by ….laughing……Look Them in the EYE…..Smile (or smirk at them) while thinking to your self and conveying through your eye contact…”I see you still haven’t gained control back from your emotions”……still smiling continue walking on by….

Or even think ‘Thank You for helping me to see how emotions can gain control and that it is possible to take back control.” While maintaining eye contact as you demonstrate control over Your emotional responses…as you smile and walk on by..

DO Not REFLECT on anything else…{ex.. words they choose to project at you …what people think .what they think … etc}….….Just repeat the following wording to yourself in your mind as you look them in the eye. …”I see you still haven’t gained control back from your emotions” soon this will become your automatic response in these situations.

Kane September 23, 2012 at 12:28

An excellent reply, Unique Perception, thank you very much. :-)

Melody Fletcher September 21, 2012 at 22:50

Hey Kane,

Well, I can’t tell you why your woman friend is attracting bullies. That would take a conversation with her. It’s not necessarily a “victim” vibe, that’s a total oversimplification. It could be any number of things. The clue is in how a bully makes you feel, specifically, and why. That takes a bit of digging.

I’m concur with UniquePerception. If this man comes and insults you, stay calm, at least pretend that it doesn’t bother you at all (don’t look at the floor, look him inteh eye and look concerned), and gently say “I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain that you need to try and bring others down so that you can feel better about yourself. I really hope you find a way to feel better soon.” And then, if you’re so inclined, (and I wouldn’t recommend this, except it will actually make you feel more empowered), you can add something like “I’ll pray for you.” And then just look like you feel sorry for him.

And every time he tries to do it again, just respond with “Still not feeling better about yourself?” and look all concerned. Or if he laughs at you as he walks by, just look at him like you’d look at a small child, trying to walk for the first time. Yes, you can be a teensy bit condescending.

Will this fix the underlying issue? No. You’ll have to dig that up and work on it. But it will get this dude off your back, because it’s actually the truth (he is lashing out to make himself feel better) and making him confront that will make him stay the hell away from you. The trick here is that you can’t attack him. You have to look concerned for him.

I hope that’s helpful.

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Should You Fix Your Dysfunctional Relationship Or Run Like Hell?My Profile

Kane September 23, 2012 at 12:46

Thank you Miss Melody,

I shall take both your advice and Unique Perceptions’ advice. I did use these techniques a long time ago and have forgotten about them.
The energy, thoughts and looks are quite important. This re-affirms my choice not to snap back or “fight fire with fire”

The reason I ask about the lady is because compared to me she is in a good job and also just a beautiful person.
So I was curious as how the bullies see something inside a beautiful woman to as you said somewhere else “strapping man” and no matter what they will see it.

So it is self-critique? Very interesting. In some ways I agree, but I also see in some cases as you say they just pick an easy target for their pain or someone they are jealous of.

Don’t under-estimate your reply! I won’t be telling them “I pray for you” as that would most likely make things worse, unless I delivered it expertly and as a joke! I’ll be careful with that one!
You HAVE given me something valuable to work with while working on myself. The last thing I need is someone within my friend circle (where all humans go to relax and feel comfortable) triggering me.

:-)
I’m not sure why Tonys’ comments were approved…

Melody Fletcher September 23, 2012 at 14:18

Hey Kane,

I’m so glad this advice was helpful to you. It’s all about mindset and making it less of a big deal in your own head.

Tony actually makes some good points, just in a really tough love kind of style. I don’t agree with the whole hate approach. It seems that he likes to shock people into waking up, which can be effective. His comments have been helpful to some on this blog and while his approach is very different from mine, the sentiment is a good one. It’s a fine line he’s walking, I’ll admit, and I’m keeping an eye on it. :)

This is a perfect opportunity to practice reacting consciously. And I saw that you already used that line on him, so you already shifted a bit into your own power. Bravo! Because your reaction is all about how you feel. It really has nothing to do with the other person.

Huge hugs!
Melody

Kane September 24, 2012 at 01:33

I’m not sure how you can think that there is good sentiment within bullying a vulnerable person reaching out for some advice about bullying!

That’s like throwing giant snakes at someone that has a fear of snakes and calling it “exposure therapy” as they become upset and get bitten by snakes; laugh at them and explain how your great wisdom is only trying to do them good….

Nasty & arrogant assumptions about a persons’ character:

“Don’t pretend the good guy. Forgive me for accusing you but I smell a wolf who wants to be a sheep because of fear and now he finds that grass doesn’t taste that good as promised. I might be wrong but I think you have an intention to be a “good” and “mature” man because you suppose your environment will speak high of you if you behave that way. But you are not convinced that this way will lead you to what you truly want. You still think that only those who are powerful have a right to prosper and you define power with the ability to overcome obstacles and you think that you must be cruel unethical and insensitive to overcome the most difficult problems.”

I don’t approve of being cruel, unethical and insensitive. Tony obviously does, and he got the insensitive one down pat.

“get the little extras you think you must have to feel special.”

In no form did I ask for extras to “feel special” I was trying to find a peaceful resolution around a person that shared a circle of friends that interact with my friends.
I’m just trying to enjoy my life, just like anyone else.

“Yes you are weak. Yes, you made yourself weak. Yes you should hate yourself and regret it”
——are these the good points you are also talking about? :-(

“Yes, you will get mad if you keep thinking that fighting is the only way to get things done”

^
Where have I indicated that I believe this? This seems more like a projection…
I am here on a spiritual site, simply asking for advice and then being attacked for asking for a peaceful solution.

“They don’t laugh because you are nice, they do it because they can (you hate yourself because you can’t teach them) and because you aren’t true to yourself”

For someone that knows nothing about me and has not met me, these are huge, sweeping assumptions.

If this is the type of behavior and insults are acceptable (especially towards a person in need)
I’m not sure that this is the compassionate and supportive environment I was looking for.

tony September 22, 2012 at 00:37

Hi Kane,
anything that bothers you means that you have to hate yourself. It didn’t bother you until an important figure taught you you should bother. You consciously allowed this rule to enter into your head and now you can’t change it because you’ll have to start from scratch and you are afraid of making extra mistakes. Either you feel you can’t do something to change it because you don’t know how or you have been stopped in your trucks because the ways that you allow yourself to act will have consequences and you will lose something of greater importance in order to win that battle.

If the bully interupted you and told you that you are a blue frog and he clearly sees that you were born in Andromeda 2500 years bC and Napoleon Bonaparte was his best friend and it’s unfortunate he didn’t hear his advice before Waterloo would you be offended? Why?

Do you ask yourself deep down “Why does this man have the guts to be a bully and I don’t allow myself to be one too? Do you ever judge that what he does is unacceptable and bad? Why others will accept him in case of confrontation (even if he is that bad) and not you, you are nice afterall.

Don’t pretend the good guy. Forgive me for accusing you but I smell a wolf who wants to be a sheep because of fear and now he finds that grass doesn’t taste that good as promised. I might be wrong but I think you have an intention to be a “good” and “mature” man because you suppose your environment will speak high of you if you behave that way. But you are not convinced that this way will lead you to what you truly want. You still think that only those who are powerful have a right to prosper and you define power with the ability to overcome obstacles and you think that you must be cruel unethical and insensitive to overcome the most difficult problems.

So your manifestation tells you: Here you are, this is the cartoon you believe you have to be in order to get the little extras you think you must have to feel special.
Do you like what you want to be? No? Then you’re right to feel bad because with your thinking this is the only way you allow and if you won’t change you’ll get stuck.

Don’t want to get stuck? Stop complaining about his bad behaviour and his right to do as he pleases. If he takes what he wants he is doing exactly what you want to do but you seek in a different way. It’s unacceptable for you, life is not fair, don’t expect to see others convinced to convince yourself too. If you felt successful you wouln’t even bother to analyse what he does. The problem is you should be better but you aren’t.
The same applies with money. If you hate rich guys you won’t be a rich guy. If you hate their ways of getting rich you hate yourself because you don’t feel comfortable of following their practices. The same with bulling. So,stay stuck until you feel good enough to find a way to tolerate sh..t without feeling humiliated and letting what others might think of you erode your respect about yourself. If this pain isn’t enough for you to get it, you can overextend yourself even more to prove it to the audience around and if they approve the bully there’s always the option of leaving the country.
Just joking. Wake up! It’s amazing how willing we are to get hit on our body not to embrace the real agony of doubt.

tony September 22, 2012 at 01:40

by the way, is this the first time you learned to hate?
to all niewbies who want to hate and those who don’t know how to hate properly, here is my friendly advice without analysis to get unstuck in seconds:

Yes you are weak. Yes, you made yourself weak. Yes you should hate yourself and regret it as you are doing things as you should be and not as you want to. No, you can’t take revenge and get love from the same person at the same time (as long as you keep thinking the way you do now). Yes, as long as you need to verify what’s going on according to other’s acceptance of your truth you ‘ll feel like losers and you will eventually get mad. Yes, you will get mad if you keep thinking that fighting is the only way to get things done and the highway to prison and to shame at the same time.

Yes,it’s you who asked for a wall to bang your head because anything else was just too easy and you wanted the hard way.
Yes, the wall isn’t as strong as you asked for and you can break it even with your little finger.
Yes, you are pretending that this joke of a wall can’t be broken
Yes, it’s your pride that tells you that you should stick to it and keep on banging (but not so hard because it’s a wreck and it will fall)
Yes, it’s funny when you look at it from outside, they do you a favour when they laugh in front of you
They don’t laugh because you are nice, they do it because they can (you hate yourself because you can’t teach them) and because you aren’t true to yourself

Hate me later, I love you all

Nay September 23, 2012 at 04:56

Hey Tony!

This sounds a bit familiar! :D Once you get this, it works! I’ve got your quote on my wall as a reminder. I didn’t get to say thanks for giving me a different perspective, so Thanks!

tony September 23, 2012 at 17:16

:)

Kane September 25, 2012 at 05:59

Tony,
If my pride is such an issue, why am I displaying my most vulnerable, private and compromising moments of my life in PUBLIC on the INTERNET for everyone to see?

This is a person that ditched their pride in order to make real connections, be honest, stand here without my “clothes” on and ask Melody for advice in front of a room full of people!

My bare-all comments are anything but prideful. If I had some pride, I would not admit to having any problems and come here only to boast about the best parts of myself or give advice to others.

tony September 25, 2012 at 09:40

As a matter of fact you just showed us your virtue.
If your pride weren’t an issue, you would have thrown that dumbell on the puppet’s face telling him your real thoughts about him – in his face. But you don’t have the balls to do that and you are afraid of the consequences. Would he get hurt? Probably yes. Would you face legal issues? I bet so. Who would be the victim? It’s him. Do you trust your friends? Tell the truth. Would you prefer to see them ignore him? Do you like the truth?

Are you joking? You are exposing yourself anonymously on the Internet? Exposure my friend is exposing your real manly nature to real people in real life. Face to face with an open option for them to turn their eyes away from you and you being alone without the option of throwing dumbells or whatever. Not chocolate cakes with people who seem concerned and read our comments listening to their favourite music.

If you really wanted a solution, voila, a man offered you the choice to erase the route of the problem. He offered you the option to give you the tools to start thinking on your feet and act like a man (not like a victim and certainly not like a vilain, a rogue or a mercenary of b-movies). But you want compassion and sympathy. What kind of joke is that? Do you want your life back or you want to stay in misery? You choose misery. You have the right to do so and you also have the right to remain silent and wait till the cows go home to regain your respect about yourself.

It’s that simple. And if your posts were not a cry for help why did you spend all that energy at all? Wake up please. These are not insults and you are not the powerless baby who wants company to share his pain. Be a man for who-you-believe shakes (If I’m writing that correctly) and learn how you made that mess instead of asking some vague infos about understanding what you don’t even know what you want to understand.

You say you’re trying to fix that vibration. Really? What exactly are you doing? You don’t have to defend. This is NOT an assault. It seems I have to beg you to make a real attempt to own your real life. That’s not me insulting you for telling you are pathetic. It’s reality and in a level of this reality that’s also the truth. Can you handle the truth?

If you don’t feel like you are living the life of your dreams that’s ok, for NOW.
No one’s judging you for that. That’s a start. You are in pain. That’s fine. Don’t you know what’s going on? Extra fine. Super extra fine. But how that will change? By doing magic? Do you know how to do magic? You are here to learn? Then learn it! Either you learn or you feel like victim. Can’t do both at the same time.

Tony ‘s out. Disengaging. This war is almost tiring and ceases to be fun anymore.

tony September 25, 2012 at 10:34

the natural side of life has now been seeming artificial
listen to vinnie: (this track only, not the end of days…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxQ73RF9p0g

tony September 25, 2012 at 14:22

Now, that’s what a call inspiration. just a friendly advice, because I know you won’t get it otherwise. Instead of reading the text above with a voice of vengeance that hates you, corners you and seems like someone is going to beat you to death and make you full of guilt if he can’t intimidate you enough and convince that you’re wrong, broken and all the other stuff..
Just imagine a friend who is getting mad because he’s trying to convince you that you already wear the glasses you ‘re searching in every corner of the house, you don’t see well because your myopia has raised and if you keep doing that you’ll miss the party and he’ll have to let you alone to be there before the crowd eats all the candies. Is that sweet enough? I would call that something different but sweet suits this case bast :)

Kane September 26, 2012 at 02:35

You have totally disregarded my assessment of YOU in my other comment…
No matter how tiring YOU have been for me, I have read all your convoluted words and responded.

Why do you care so much about me Why? What am I to you??? Is this your attempt to befriend me?

This is a one sided conversation, where you stand there are make assumption, after assumption about me without ever looking at YOURSELF or acknowledging anything I have to say in return.
You haven’t learnt anything from Melody about finding a win-win solution and how you will get NO-WHERE constantly shouting at me that you are right about your assumptions of my character and I am wrong about my own character.
We are not getting anywhere because you are not reciprocal, why should I listen to someone who doesn’t care about my opinions or what I have to say or feel about anything.
So unless you care about my imput about MYSELF & YOURSELF or just want to bulldoze your opinion into me and totally disregard mine…you are flogging a dead horse, harassing me for no good reason and no-one will have a happy outcome unless you are willing to take a 50-50 approach.

Why do you continue to use the word “man” and “balls” and all sorts of things like this?
We are talking as people, or would you be less aggressive towards a woman? Are you sexist? Are you really that concerned with what’s in my trousers? :-)

“This war is almost tiring and ceases to be fun anymore.”—This was NEVER FUN for me. Maybe you are starting to know what I am feeling from your first comment.

Throwing a dumbbell is never the answer. If you think it has to do with “balls” etc then I guess every man on this website that chooses a better, more mature option lacks “balls”.
You came to the wrong place for that. This is a website full of men that meditate, do yoga, drink herbal teas and all that. :-)
They can have a laugh at themselves and have no need to prove any “manliness”.
So you can jab all you want and act like a homeless man declaring end of the world over my simple comment with your “WAKE UP” etc
but it’s just starting to look like rambling to me, but now the tables have turned as you are exhausted and I am finding you amusing.

I am not a neanderthal that acts on foolish impulses. Maybe that’s how men with “balls” like you do it, but frankly that is just silly.
I came here, sought advice, advice was given, case closed.

I have no idea why you took a simple question I had and turned it into an epic drama, questioning my very soul.

Kane September 26, 2012 at 03:23

Hello mate,

Now, I am actually enjoying writing this reply.

My email didn’t notify me of the below comment where you at least acknowledge part of what I say with the comment about protecting yourself.
(wish you said this earlier, I would be able to understand you better and I can imagine I am talking to a spiky creature that would like to shake my hand, but can’t because of all the spikes around him and I would wear some gloves and shake your hand anyway)

I listened to that entire song. I’m not a fan of hip-hop, monotone type of things.
At least I can see where you got the “wake-up” and pessimistic, droning speeches from. ;-)

Look here is what happened in a simpler form:

Kane comes to their fav website Deliberate Receiving, it’s a place where he deliberately raises his vibration, has a chat, gets some therapy with Melody, has a vent, has a laugh and deals with things.
It’s a happy place, with supportive people and he finds it RELAXING.

He asks how to make a chocolate cake (what’s your problem with chocolate cake??)
And Melody and UniquePerception give him a great recipe for chocolate cake.
Kane thanks them, cooks the cake and it turns out well.

Then suddenly Tony runs up to Kane:

“WHY ARE YOU ASKING FOR CAKE RECIPES???” he is furious. Suddenly this is no longer a simple thing anymore.
“You should be able to make your own cakes, asking for recipes reveals your weakness!
“You are a total idiot for asking for help. Now you will never know the joy of blowing up your kitchen and making a total mess trying to figure this out for yourself!
A recipe is not enough! I demand that you grow all the ingredients yourself and maybe even learn blacksmithing and FORGE the very bowl that you mix your cake with!”

And Kane is like “man, I don’t know how to metal smith a bowl or farm every single ingredient.
I don’t want to be insulted. It was enough for me to make this cake; you can have some but first you have to stop screaming and throwing mud in my kitchen.”

Tony: “I know how to farm all the ingredients and metal smith the bowl! But I shall not tell you, or demonstrate how I know. Instead I shall berate you for not knowing and flex my blacksmithing muscles and say how wonderful my own life is, with much better cake.
I bid you good day as I go to my blacksmith shop and laugh heartily at what a weakling you are, with your “recipes”

Kane: Man, where did that come from? I’m gonna try to enjoy this cake!

(Locks his door in case that Tony fellow comes rampaging through his house, maybe next time wielding a hammer…)

In this situation, Tony could have saved himself some trouble by simply knocking on Kanes’ door, asking if it was OK to come in, take off his muddy boots, sit down and share some cake together.
Now they are acquainted, Tony tells Kane (calmly) over some cake, about where Kane can find some really good ingredients and goes on further about blacksmithing and how to make good utensils.

Kane is happy to talk to this polite, interesting version of Tony and listens carefully to his instructions about farming and blacksmithing.

Slowly Kane starts putting these instructions into practice and Tony has become a friend, rather than a rampaging maniac.

tony September 26, 2012 at 04:29

Why do you care so much about me Why? What am I to you??? Is this your attempt to befriend me?
————————————–
i don’t. Since you are here and told us you found yourself in an uncomfortable situation and asked for advice I advised you to clean the root (which is by the way the only real solution)

This is a one sided conversation, where you stand there are make assumption, after assumption about me without ever looking at YOURSELF or acknowledging anything I have to say in return.
—————-
not true. What you actually say is that you are a translator, you go to an office with lawyers for a legal issue, you ask advice and one seems to be willing to take care of your case for free. You then look astonished and say: Only if I a make a translation for you. No way.

You haven’t learnt anything from Melody about finding a win-win solution and how you will get NO-WHERE constantly shouting at me that you are right about your assumptions of my character and I am wrong about my own character.
——————-
it is a win win case. We both take something. Actually it’s always a win win case but you don’t actually like what you get so you suppose you haven’t won. IF you had listened before you would have that knowledge now and you wouldn’t have to be disappointed once again from the transaction. Will you ever learn how these transactions are getting done?

We are not getting anywhere because you are not reciprocal, why should I listen to someone who doesn’t care about my opinions or what I have to say or feel about anything.
——————
If you vote for Obama, does your neighbor who offers to paint your wall for free have to vote Obama for president too? I don’t want your friendship and I don’t care if you are a veggetarian or believe in evolution rather than God. I don’t want to know your opinions, you have some limiting beliefs who make your life difficult about this specific topic and that’s what I’m trying to tell you.

So unless you care about my imput about MYSELF & YOURSELF or just want to bulldoze your opinion into me and totally disregard mine…you are flogging a dead horse, harassing me for no good reason and no-one will have a happy outcome unless you are willing to take a 50-50 approach.
————–
Do you want to hear my real opinion for you? You are stubborn and idiot. Want to see the bigger picture? There’s a spider on your shoulder going towards your head, I try to remove it but without getting too close because you will panic and consider it a threat, I try to use a wooden stick and you scream “Melody,Melody, help! this bully should not even be here”

Why do you continue to use the word “man” and “balls” and all sorts of things like this? We are talking as people, or would you be less aggressive towards a woman? Are you sexist? Are you really that concerned with what’s in my trousers? :-)
——————-
To show you that what you lack is courage. When I’m talking about balls I don’t mean a macho man spitting and farting or a gangster but a man who isn’t intimidated to tell what he really thinks to those who has a friendly relationship with, who is able to speak for himself and leave people alone if he doesn’t like their company anymore feeling confident that he will meet new and real ones (with flesh and bones and probably a bad smell sometimes) within the next few days.

“This war is almost tiring and ceases to be fun anymore.”—This was NEVER FUN for me. Maybe you are starting to know what I am feeling from your first comment.
—————-
You told that before. Have you thought why it isn’t?

Throwing a dumbbell is never the answer. If you think it has to do with “balls” etc then I guess every man on this website that chooses a better, more mature option lacks “balls”.
————–
Yeah. You are right. I saw at the news that all the armies in the world decided to no longer carry guns because that makes no sense. I want your country you want mine, where’s the point? World wars never happened, crime is history, drugs don’t exist, gangs too. I’ll defeat you with my spirit. Using violence is not an option if you are a God or if you were raised as a child not to be a bully and to live a peaceful life with a good job and social security away from the streets. Actually violence is the most valid point anyone can make, it’s the reason you think the way you think now, and I’m not talking only about the brutal force you might not like but manipulation, threats, punishment, fear of God and other points you miss.

You came to the wrong place for that. This is a website full of men that meditate, do yoga, drink herbal teas and all that. :-)
They can have a laugh at themselves and have no need to prove any “manliness”.
———-
Wow! Sounds like heaven! You forgot the tofu and the vegetables!
Should I ask what you guys do with women or is it rude to even imagine talking to them and I’ll be considered a sexist pig?

blah blah
but it’s just starting to look like rambling to me, but now the tables have turned as you are exhausted and I am finding you amusing.
————–
I’m happy if you are happy. Bruuuuhaha

I am not a neanderthal that acts on foolish impulses. Maybe that’s how men with “balls” like you do it, but frankly that is just silly.
I came here, sought advice, advice was given, case closed.
——————–
Ok, i get it. Maybe your dream is to learn to talk without voice in case someone gets hurt by the decibels of your voice and you will hate yourself for being so blantantly rude. I respect that. Why all the rest have to be neanderthals? Is there a possibility of being angry without feeling guilty? Have you ever imagined yourself shouting (not pretending, checking if others approve of you of being angry, with true anger and even hate) even at a wall?

I have no idea why you took a simple question I had and turned it into an epic drama, questioning my very soul.
———–
because I saw something in you. Something that happens to everyone but some are able to be conscious of it and make sense of their lives, while others assume it doesn’t exist, then make a mess, then become extra sensitive not to get hurt

Kane September 26, 2012 at 05:12

Ok Tony,

Most of that reply was difficult to read. I didn’t want to say it before, as it was understandable, but now the sentence structure was quite hard to understand.
Especially the part about translators. (?) I honestly couldn’t really understand what you are saying for the most part. 90% of what you wrote was lost in communication.
Combine that with the overwhelming length of this conversation, and the point is long gone.

You mentioned English not being your native tongue and I commended you for knowing more than one language.
What is your native tongue and where do you live at the moment?

I see from your Obama reference you assume I must be American and I was able to make out the clear reference to me being an idiot.

So I am an “American” idiot, that you have no intention of being friends with.
I am a little disappointed as I thought I saw a slight amount of reaching out from under your a**hole persona you use to protect yourself.

Within my other comment I have written a story about chocolate cake, which I feel says it all and demonstrates a better way to approach people.

As for my use of hyperbole regarding men that drink herbal tea and meditate..
oh and eat vegetables and tofu and according to you, don’t know what to do with women..
You’d have to ask them, but I’m pretty sure they respect their partners more than to kiss and tell.
We also can’t assume they like women either… we don’t know and you’d have to ask them.

So seeing I am a stubborn idiot, and you have no interest in a civil conversation or telling me where the spider is so I can remove it myself without you batting at my head…
I don’t understand why you persist with someone you don’t like?

What is the outcome you want from this conversation?

What is a clear goal, so all this isn’t just an irritating waste?

Will you ever learn how these transactions are getting done? (You catch more flies with honey than vinegar)

If there is no goal or outcome, you don’t like me etc then this is pointless and we are done and you have wasted my time.

Hopefully this wasn’t a waste of time and you have a CLEAR outcome.

You also need to wonder what I am mirroring back to you.

If we lived in the same city, we should meet and talk face to face, hopefully that offer has enough ‘courage” in it for you.

tony September 26, 2012 at 06:33

Kane,

the part with the translator doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have some beliefs in your head that seem so natural to you that you don’t even question. The truth is that you also have a mental programming running subconsciously that actually harms you. You are not aware of it because you don’t know what to look for. When you see it for yourself, you’ll freak out.

I did assume that you are an American but I didn’t call you an idiot for that. I told you that because you were insisting on matters of no importance.
I speek greek and I live in Greece. What’s the point? We can’t write in greek here.
There is light, you can be sure about that.
I don’t want to be a friend of yours because this will not help. I have some clues about what’s going on in your head but I don’t know exactly what triggers you. If you suspect that your friend is trying to make you look like a fool you will lose your trust. And in this case, trust is everything.

I understood your sense of humour but , once again, that’s not the most important thing. Our task is not just to have a conversation. We must first remove the spider.

You say
“So seeing I am a stubborn idiot, and you have no interest in a civil conversation or telling me where the spider is so I can remove it myself without you batting at my head…
I don’t understand why you persist with someone you don’t like?”

That’s exactly what I was trying to tell you. In fact, only you can remove that spider. I can only show you where the spider is and some simple steps to follow with examples to make sure that you get the true meaning, not staying with the illusion that you have understood. The fact that I didn’t like your reaction doesn’t mean that I reject you.

If you want to begin the process, we have to make clear that there is no such thing as good or bad. It’s somehow useful for you now, but until you fully understand it, I would like you to tell me what was the worst thing that annoyed you with your frienemy. You’ll find it alone in the process , I’ll just make sure to show you the traps. I want you to spot only one thing, the worst of all and tell me why. What bothered you the most?

tony September 27, 2012 at 02:57

Ok Kane,
enough with the drama.
I will write here what’s really going on and it’s up to you to decide what to do next.
Just read it to the end.
The answer of your initial question is in part D in the solution’s area

The mindest that works is
1)Want something 2)Do it 3)Take pleasure and feel great
All the rest is resistance

In your case, you manifested a disrespectful bully. Since you manifested it that’s exactly what you wanted. Not what you say you want. What hurts you is that you know you deserve better.

Resistance is known in 3 forms:
1) You don’t know what you want

2) You think you can’t do it
a)it’s impossible b)you are not good enough or you should do it in a better way c)circumstances won’t let you

3) If none of the above is not a problem, you should hate yourself for doing that because
a)it’s not good for you b)it’s not good for other people c)you are not supposed to do it,you should be punished
——————————-
Solutions, step by step ]
——————————-
A.To start with, It’s ok to be important and feel that way. (resistance will tell you that if you feel too important you are an arrogant ass, if you are not you must be a loser)

B.Your job is to live your life and to please yourself
(resistance will tell you that if you do so, you are a selfish dick who’s interested only in himself – ignoring the fact that you can actually trully care about others but it’s not your job to save the world or do anything you don’t want to do just to prove that you are not selfish)

C.Things can happen the way you want them to happen
(resistance will tell you that you shouldn’t do that because if you’ll win then someone will lose and that’s not nice. You are convinced this is not nice and you prefer self-sacrifice. Someone forgot to mention that this there-can-be-only-one-highlander-bullshit is an illusion and you should consider your needs first because it’s your job to live yourlife and take care of yourself. So, this way you block your red chakra ,if you like this spiritual stuff, and you place yourself at the second place before the beginning of the race.

D. You do have everyone’s respect
( resistance will tell you to interpret what you see as people insulting you. The truth is that some people are more willing to show you YOUR resistance and what YOU trully feel about YOURSELF. As a matter of fact it is -and always was- about you, even if you don’t want to understand it and that’s why I told you that you are not the nice person you think you are.

E. This happened that way because you expected it to happen that way.
(resistance will tell you that those people should know better and they are arrogant bullies.It will also tell you that they are rude people with no respect. The truth is that this thing happened because you expected those people -and not someone else who seems that he cares- to behave that way. That happened because you suspected they have this attitude towards you. You verified your assumption by their reactions.)

F. Why you expected THEM to behave that way and not someone else?
(Not everybody is rude and people who are rude all the time and under all circumstances are rare. Even Don Corleone was respectful to his mother and his family, something that didn’t stop him from throwing death to his enemies. Why is that happening? The truth is that you attracted people with resistance because you have resistance about something specific. Like attracts like. And when we talk about resistance, what we really want to say is “doubt about what should happen”.)

G. So, this thing happened because you expected it to happen. You expected that people with certain beliefs will not respect you if you behave as you do now. Voila,you met some people with certain beliefs who didn’t respect you. Your manifestation was quick and perfect. Are you happy with that? If you are not, you have to change your beliefs about respect and what to expect from people.

H. You attracted people with resistance and now we know why. But why you expected them to show their resistance to you?
(resistance will tell you that they are rude, what’s the point to analyse that? They are rude so they are rude to you. The truth is that you sensed their energy and that it was uncomfortable for them to change their behaviour instantly. Do you feel responsible for what other people feel? Is it you who made them uncomfortable?)

Kane October 4, 2012 at 02:41

Oh Hello,

I will answer down the bottom, in a fresh comment as we are running out of space! :-)

Kane September 23, 2012 at 12:55

Tony, (possible sock puppet?)

We have never spoken before and I have no idea why you are suddenly speaking to me me now.
I am speaking with Melody as she is the one that wrote the blog and MAYBE people that decide to join the conversation with something useful.

UniquePerception & Melody gave me some very clever advice which I can apply.

I did not come here for a judgement of my character or whatever else you ramble on about.

As I said, I have never spoken with you before, so not really sure what your issue is with me.

I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain that you need to try and bring others down so that you can feel better about yourself. I really hope you find a way to feel better soon.

Kane September 23, 2012 at 13:16

We have never spoken before. I have no idea why you are here making large, sweeping assumptions about my character. I have no idea why anyone would approve this.

People have enough trouble sharing their feelings and reaching out with being judged.
I’m just here sharing my story and had some good advice flowing. Melody has already answered my question.

I am trying to change my vibration around bullies and obviously if I am “hating” as you say I’m not in the best state.

In future I suggest that if you really want to “help” someone out, you keep nasty, unfounded opinions to yourself or say something constructive that will leave the person feeling better.

tony September 23, 2012 at 17:12

Hi Kane,

I’m not sure but I think I can see your point. I suppose you want advice but only from certain people and only in a certain way. If that’s right, that’s totally fine with me.
To your success,
Tony

Kane September 24, 2012 at 01:44

Just concentrate on your own success and becoming a more compassionate and kind person towards others. Look at your own life before dishing out “advice” to people that never asked for it and don’t assume to know what a person truly thinks or feels without knowing them.

People don’t come to a spiritual website to deal with bullies like you. This is a peaceful place and Melody is a very gentle woman. The world has enough rude people and this is one place where people can be comfortable and not attacked.

She has great skills at energy reading and can detect real feelings behind the words.
If you were able to do this and were as great of an advisor as you think you are, you would take your own advice and be true to yourself- Who-Tony-Really-Is on a soul level, which I’m sure is not a nasty person.

tony September 24, 2012 at 19:42

Ok Kane, I took your message and it was well received. It seems now that it is I who need your help. Would you be willing to help me please?

Just 3 questions
1) Why I am a bully? Did I force you to do something?
2) How was I supposed to know that you don’t want the help I was trying to give you in the way I found better? I understand now (after your comments) that you identified what I wrote as an insulting assault on you but in my part of the world there is no such rule that says that we talk only to whom talks to us first guessing how he will be offended. When we offer directions to a man who seems lost and not just a refreshment for his thirst and good intentions that he will find it alone without a map, if he doesn’t want the gift because of the parcel it’s us who find him rude.
3) How exactly do you know that Melody is a very gentle woman? (No offence Melody). For many serious killers, after they got caught their neighbours and friends described them as being very polite and sensitive human beings.

tony September 24, 2012 at 19:45

excuse me for the errors in the use of the language , I don’t come from your part of the world, I’m here for some clarity

Kane September 25, 2012 at 01:41

Dear Tony,

Don’t worry about the language. Everybody here comes from a different part of the world. Mexico, America, Spain, Australia, Germany, Holland, UK, Japan, India…
Sure grammar can be mixed up a little sometimes by anyone. As a native English speaker, I am making mistakes right now!

However, it’s about the content and intention, rather than the spelling or grammar of a message.
Be proud of yourself for being able to speak more than one language. I can only speak one.

-Kane

Kane September 25, 2012 at 02:21

Hello Tony,

I hope you are not being sarcastic, as I would love to answer your questions and thank you for asking me.

3) :-) This is an excellent point, she is a charming and intelligent woman –on this blog.
She is gentle towards me and other readers on this blog. She is kind in the conversations/videos/phone calls that I am aware of.
We don’t really know anyone on the internet or in our personal lives. The best we could do would be to live with someone and follow them around all day.

She does have the ability to be a serial killer as another reader has pointed out in jest due to her separation from the suffering of others.
This is a common thought people have about these Melody types. ;-)

Buddhist monks that train themselves in this detachment, psychologists, nurses, doctors and all sorts of “caring” people are prime candidates for people that could cut off from empathy and hurt another person.
They might get compassion overload and go berserk. :-)

I wouldn’t be that shocked if she was, people do strange things all the time.
Until then, I enjoy her gentle nature and insights (as perceived) while I can.

2) You didn’t give me any gifts and thankfully unlike a spoken conversation you can’t backtrack and pretend you were only trying to help me out of the kindness of your heart.
I would have felt the sincere energy if that were the case.

Before you went to answer my comment, your intention was reactionary, not to “help” me, but to try and display your teaching ability and shock value.
You know full well that these things are hurtful and you wanted a reaction out of me.

When you in a vulnerable spot the last thing you want is a stranger interrupting a conversation (where two people already answered quite well) in a hostile manner. Then jump in with a flurry of insults, wildly stating things about your character.

Your method of “help” didn’t come from a place of care towards me. I didn’t feel your concern.

Also the philosophical remark about gifts and the packaging they come in…
Again insults and wild assumptions are not gifts. Being deep and meaningful here won’t help.

I would have been rude if you gave me the gift of caring advice and I rejected it based on something shallow–like a spelling error.
However, my rejection was not shallow and based on the substance of your message–it’s hostile nature.

1) Some of the ways I define a bully is:

-they pick someone who is already down/ kick them when sad or looking for help

-pick a smaller opponent in physical size

-pick a target of smaller emotional size or vulnerable state

- pick a target with smaller group of friends or support group, corner them and outnumber

-general, unwarranted hostility designed to inflict pain on another and boost themselves up/ make themselves look clever

You ticked so many boxes!
Here I am looking vulnerable, admitting many things on the website as a place of healing.

It would take less time to point out the sentences of yours that weren’t attacking!

I come here to help myself, being in immense pain in many areas of my life.
If I am attacked here, the last place I have is taken away.

I hope I answered your questions.

-
Kane

tony September 25, 2012 at 04:41

Thank you for your answers and the spirit they were given.
If you allow me, I have some comments.

You say
“You didn’t give me any gifts and thankfully unlike a spoken conversation you can’t backtrack and pretend you were only trying to help me out of the kindness of your heart.Before you went to answer my comment, your intention was reactionary, not to “help” me, but to try and display your teaching ability and shock value.”

My comment is:
Thankfully the conversation is written, scripta mannent. You can look back at it in the future and see the other angles. Why do I have to display my abilities? Do I make comments to every guest I spot here? Do I earn money from that? Will a find a date or is anyone going to say “Hey Tony, you are a grandmaster”. I don’t even have a blog to attract people there. As a matter of fact I did want something. I have a treasure for you and I was not willing to give that to you without you paying a heavy price (and I don’t mean money). That price is a part of your pride, because that’s exactly what I think you value most and I assume that it’s what stops you from seeing the light. Some may hate me for this and quit reading, but I really don’t care. In fact I threw it for free, if you try again you’ll see something of value but you will need a password. I’m not a good man, I know, I gave you a cigar for free but I wanted to charge you for the light.

You also say
“You know full well that these things are hurtful and you wanted a reaction out of me.”

My comment: Yes, I did want to make you feel I wanted a reaction out of you. But I don’t have that power. Only you could give me that response and it was meant to show you that you should pick your fights. That was my intention. You asked for advice for a boxing game, I gave you the chance of a sparring game to say no. I see now that you are exhausted and need to rest. I also see other things too but it’s clear that this thing annoys you, so I stop.

You also said:
“general, unwarranted hostility designed to inflict pain on another and boost themselves up/ make themselves look clever”

My comment is: Man, you are right. But it’s your manifestation too.
UniquePerception and Melody gave you advice on how you will get out of hell. They gave you a fish but they can’t always feed you. You have to learn how to catch fishes yourself. As a matter of fact, if you go back and see what Melody warned you: “Will this fix the underlying issue? No. You’ll have to dig that up and work on it. But it will get this dude off your back”

So, I ask you in the most polite and friendly way trying to give you a hand: Do you want to know why you attract bullies? Why are these things happening to you? Why are you so sensitive? Do you want to know how you will destroy the root of your problem or you want bullies to continue to exist in your life and you are happy with what they advised you to tell them so they get off your back temporarily, only to come back again with more power?

That’s what I wanted to give you. I still want. In fact I have already given you all the clues to start (you unconsciously know all of them) but I can’t decide that for you. Believe it or not, I am an assh..le indeed, but my intentions are good, even if you hate the way I deliver. Do you want to know why I deliver that way? Because people in pain have chosen that way. Do you remember the theory backing all this LOA fancy stuff? We create our reality. And people in pain LOVE drama, so I give them drama. I understand that some are so fed up with this mess that they want an instant relief, just as you do. But come on, would you take advice from someone you don’t trust that has been there and done that?

You can continue with your current attitude, deny and feel disgusted for the way I treated you, or you can have faith and get know-how right here, right now. My part is done. It’s up to you.

Kane September 25, 2012 at 05:44

Now you reveal yourself.

You didn’t want my help or answers at all. Just further bait to share your opinion about me.

Assume= Makes an ass out of u and me.

“That price is a part of your pride, because that’s exactly what I think you value most and I assume that it’s what stops you from seeing the light.”

Statements like this drip with arrogance and assumptions. What do you know about me?
You read one comment and assume many things about my character, my pride, my life, who I am.
This is a terrible habit and you won’t make good connections with people like this.

You might get some kick seeing them annoyed, sad or uncomfortable.
Whatever it is, but you won’t ever know who they really are or give them a fair chance if all you want to do is play around and bait people.

Your “gift” is not worth the price and it is YOUR pride and arrogance that puts such a high value on yourself. Melody gives her words for free AND they have a higher value. You can not hope to compare.

Frankly people in pain are tired of BS and drama. A simple situation is not “hell”
If I had been asking any other LOA question, I don’t need your dramatic responses.
I tried to be reasonable with you.
It seems with you= give an inch, he takes a mile.

As for the root of the bullies. I have no idea. I’ve never been good at finding the root of things and “clearing” it.
There are multiple reasons, all just speculations. There is no point tearing my hair out wondering why every little thing happens to me, without a solution.
I don’t know why.
I just have to deal with things as they come. You made it into a big deal.

You can analyze your life to death, cause yourself more anguish OR you can try your best to enjoy it.

People that are proud of being a**holes as you say are just too lazy to do the self-work.
You get in first by making these statements “I am an a**hole!” therefore I am not going to bother to take the time to do better.
It is your excuse not to try harder with compassion. You are not good with empathy so you lash out, call it quits and decide “hey, I’m an ass and I’m happy about that”

Maybe it gives you some happiness and some fun at others expense.
There is a sense of freedom to giving up and just declaring you are an ass.
It excludes you from the anguish other humans have to feel to fit into social norms and better themselves.

I could make some large, sweeping assumptions about your character in return:

You call yourself an a***ole to save time. You think deep down you are not a likeable person and have struggled to make friends beyond the surface level in the past.
You have a fear of abandonment and rejection. So you openly state with a false arrogance (you are insecure) all your negative aspects and talk with bravado.
You do this as a way to test people and also to push them away so they don’t get close to you.

It’s also a warning. You have had negative experiences with people. Maybe years ago you wished you weren’t such an ass and that people would love you more.
But it didn’t work out for you so you decided to “go with the flow” and embrace this ass persona.

Letting yourself have some fun with it, making others laugh and seeing some benefit to being abrasive.

Some people will love this unique “honesty” “wow! This guy is an ass and he just doesn’t care!”

It’s also a way to PROTECT yourself. If you call yourself and ass FIRST you get in before the other person has a chance.
If they call you one, you can just shrug it off and say “I know” maybe even throw in a little wink and make a joke of the whole thing.

I do believe you might have true fun from this, but there will be moments where you wish you were closer to those that matter, where you regret hurting someones feelings (that special someone in your life past or present)
or you wish that you could truly love another person without all that anger and fear.
Without having to warn the object of your affection or friendship:
“I have been known to be an a**hole” so that when you have them in tears you can always say..”well I did warn you”
or just excuse your bad behavior by saying you only wanted to teach them a lesson.

This way you wrap yourself up in “advising” others instead of looking in the mirror and asking yourself “why am I an a**hole?”
Because it feels better to make poor attempts to help and study another, than help and study YOURSELF.

Now do you see how silly it is to make all these psychological evaluations of another person based on a few comments?

How does it feel when I evaluated you with such huge assumptions?

Did anything hit the mark?

You can continue with your current attitude, deny and feel amused and superior to me, or you can have faith and get know-how right here, right now. My part is done. It’s up to you.

tony September 25, 2012 at 06:54

I write it here because there’s not a reply option under your last post.

One mark you hit for sure is that this is a way to protect myself. When you get in an imaginary war, the bullets still kill even if you know that this thing isn’t real.

In case you like this kind of music, enjoy this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wvx13iq-ETk
Bye

Veronica September 21, 2012 at 05:32

Synchronicity–

http://www.amazon.com/review/R2N1QTEYFMAC4P/ref=cm_cr_pr_cmt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0671723650&linkCode=&nodeID=&tag=#wasThisHelpful

See the “negative” comments about the revised addition addition of the book: “how to gain friends and influence people.”

Eerily on-topic remarks that relate to the topic brought up by this blog. Have a look.

Melody Fletcher September 21, 2012 at 22:56

Thanks Veronica,

For what it’s worth, I think this guy has missed Carnegie’s point. I don’t think he ever advocated being a doormat, or actively lying to people. He did advocate letting go of the need to be right over getting what you want (something I’ve talked about as well), and approaching them from the point of view that a win-win solution could always be found.

This reviewer seems to twist that and take it to the extreme. Not correcting people who are wrong when doing so doesn’t serve your purpose becomes NEVER intervening when you see something wrong (which Carnegie never advocated at all). Being nice becomes being a doormat.

But, it shows how we all struggle with the distinctions, which is why I’ll never run out of material to write about. LOL.

Huge hugs!
Melody

Veronica September 24, 2012 at 02:00

Hi Melody,

I’ve never read the book myself, but it always comes up as a recommendation under good “self-help” books.
The tittle seemed awfully manipulative, so I was reading the reviews to see what it was about.
Glad to hear it is worth the read, will keep it in mind.

Donna September 21, 2012 at 18:25

Melody,

I think this post clearly indicates how nice is not the same thing as weak. I recently realized that I’m “too nice” because I try to avoid causing any problems for others. So I am working on speaking up for myself when necessary.

Here’s an example: My husband I and were coming home from vacation. We arrived at our home airport about 8 hours later than we had expected (11 p.m.). We called the parking shuttle service to pick us up. We waited and waited and waited. We could see the shuttle van circling the airport, but it never came to where we were. After half an hour (or longer), we called the service again and were told where we needed to be to get picked up.

Later I questioned (myself) why we had waited so long. We had seen the first van about 10 minutes after our first call. I realized we didn’t want to bother the employees with a second phone call. We thought they knew where we were and that they would pick us up.

Thanks!

Donna

Melody Fletcher September 21, 2012 at 22:58

Hey Donna,

Great example. It was something so small, and yet you were willing to suffer, rather than make a call. It may seem like a teensy example, but the underlying assumption was that your discomfort, whatever it was, wasn’t worth bothering others over. Even though they are sitting in a call center and being paid for that very service… :)

Great catch!

Huge hugs,
Melody

Bryce Christiansen September 21, 2012 at 20:21

I am so bad at this it is insane.

Always love your stories.

Bryce
Bryce Christiansen invites you to read..Something Is About to Change For Balanced WorkLife and Its BlogMy Profile

Melody Fletcher September 21, 2012 at 22:59

Thanks Bryce! Well, at least you’ve recognized it. Now you can practice saying no. I’d recommend starting with stuff that isn’t that important. It will be easier. Just remember to shut up after you say no, or you’ll talk yourself right out of it. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody

Christina September 22, 2012 at 02:19

I definitely need practice with this, especially the justifying. I have work issues too as I want to help people in some way but sometimes overstep what I can do. I’d love to help everyone – I schedule inservice training at my day job – but I hear so many excuses and I can’t make everyone happy. If training is Monday, they need Tuesday. If it’s during the day, they need the evenings. If everyone had their way, we’d have inservice classes 24 / 7, they could come and go as they pleased, or why not just don’t and say they did? It’s frustrating.

Family is another issue. My mom let me know about family Christmas plans. They’re traveling again this year for a family gathering the weekend after a church retreat we’re already committed to attend – and I want to attend. It’s not that I don’t want to attend a family Christmas. I just don’t know why they want to drive four hours into the mountains and spend money renting a house for us all to stay in when we can be together at my parents’ home. My grandmother was saying, “Well, why don’t you skip the retreat and use the money to come with us? Or maybe we can pay your way.”

My grandmother knows how to push my buttons. I know, I’m letting her.

To be nice, though, I will compromise with her and will visit over my Christmas vacation, the week after they get back from the mountains.
Christina invites you to read..Allowing Myself to be Me, Loving Myself UnconditionallyMy Profile

Melody Fletcher September 22, 2012 at 12:57

Hey Christina,

It can be difficult to find that fine line between being accommodating and letting people run all over you. My suggestion? Take their needs into account, set a schedule and hold to it. They can ask you to change the schedule, there’s nothing wrong with that. But you can also say no. There’s nothing wrong with that either. Keep your sense of humor, stay light about it, but stay firm. Don’t take their request personally, or let them upset you. The only reason they would is because you feel obligated to fulfill them all somehow. Stop that. :)

Christmas is very, very tricky. It sounds like you’ve found a good compromise. Good for you. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody

Betsy/Zen Mama September 22, 2012 at 21:33

I enjoyed this post Melody because I’m all about being nice but not being taken advantage of either. I have gotten very good about saying no when I need to.Sometimes I wonder if I have the balance though. But I guess I’d rather be nice more often than not. This gave me a lot of food for thought.
Thank you!
Betsy/Zen Mama invites you to read..Baby, I’m Amazed With You!My Profile

Melody Fletcher September 23, 2012 at 14:03

Hey Betsy,

The fallacy is in thinking that you have to sacrifice something to be nice, but you don’t. There’s always a way to get both. The trick is in finding that exact balance, which can be a challenge. But I think it’s so empowering when we do. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..How Doing Stuff “Just In Case” Guarantees The Worst Possible OutcomeMy Profile

Nay September 23, 2012 at 05:10

Hi Melody,

Have a simple example. Went out sight seeing and taking pictures. Saw an area I wanted to take a picture of, so I said stop. The driver said no, we’re going farther up.

There are many times when I would have just gone along and probably been annoyed about it later. And/or I would have gotten pissed right then and there, because you KNOW the first thought is ‘Where in that request was your opinion asked for?’ pops right into your head! :)

Instead…I just said ‘No, I want to stop here first.’ Simple and to the point, and NO drama. And I didn’t expect any drama either, because I realized there was nothing to get upset about. I just had a preference, and they had a different preference. Once I made it known that I was serious, done deal. If I had gotten upset, and said that previous thought, I would have just been being my own form of bullying. And I really have no desire to go that route.

Yeah this stuff works once you get the hang of it. Despite fluctuations in the vibrational field. :D

Cheers!

Melody Fletcher September 23, 2012 at 14:05

Yay Nay! What an awesome example. It’s really just that simple. No drama necessary. And you said something so important: you didn’t expect any drama either. That’s HUGE. Way to Nay! Yay! Yay! Yay! (yeah… cheerleader coming out…)

Huge hugs,
Melody

Kane October 4, 2012 at 04:43

Melody,

This is interesting. What would the driver do on the flipside of the coin?

He has a schedule to follow on this tour and other customers to please. There’s a itinerary that states when to stop and for how long.
You have to start the engine every time someone interrupts and wants special access to this or that.

So the driver is faced with demanding passengers that want to stop, but if he allows one, then others will follow suit.
Soon everyone will want their own individual tour, instead of following the itinerary designed to keep everyone on time.

So he wants to say “No” end of story and no drama, that person will simply return to their seat and respect the schedule.

What would happen if two people expecting the same thing (no drama, co-operation with requests) met like this?

He says NO. Clear and confident expectation that they will sit down and respect his initial decline.
They say STOP with clear and confident expectation that the driver will stop!

In this type of instant co-creation what happens there?

tony October 4, 2012 at 14:40

It’s simple. The driver will go on and Nay will open a window and jump out of the bus. If the windows are not designed to open, Nay will take the hammer out of her bag (you don’t want to know what women hide in their purses) , break the window and make an escape plan to keep enjoying sightseing WHILE escaping police helicopters flying all over the place to spot her. Then Keanu Reeves arrives, he kisses her passionately but she just refuses to follow him. Why? Because she has to go home and destroy that annoyning thermostat which used to make her life miserable!
Will the driver just sit there seeing his bus getting destroyed? Of course NOT! He has to do something quickly, before the typhoon called Nay unleashes chaos upon humanity. He acts fast. He calls the police headquarters and gives a detailed description of what Nay looks like. But Nay has foreseen that and she wears her new sunglasses whick make it impossible, even for her most close relatives- to identify her. He tries the tested, chuck norris style, roundhouse kick but his toe misses Nay’s head for just an inch. He’s desperate. All those years practicing round-kicks in case a tourist makes a bold and unimaginable claim to stop are now in vain. He can’t enforce law and order and he knows it. Poor driver!

Was it Nay’s fault of being such an unstoppable power? Would it be better if the driver had a magnum 44, the most fearsome weapon on planet earth to make sure that Nay would not even imagine to blink an eye? We all know what he thinks now. He should have put a gun to her head, ignoring all her krav maga skills, and say to her with confidence: “Did I fire six shots or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?
Of course Nay could respond “are you talking to me?” and block the bullets with the power of her subconscious mind. What our hero did? We will find out in the next episode!

Kane October 5, 2012 at 00:37

It sounds like you have a big crush on Nay!!! ;-)

That’s fine but it doesn’t seem like you are the type to like a dominatrix, but whatever… each to their own. :-)

* I have the feeling you know all about womens’ purses, Tony, no use denying your secret life of Tony-the-mugger (who wears a Zorro mask, which is always the best way to conceal your face.)

Ah well, we don’t know what our hero the bus driver will do with this terrorist, we’ll just have to wait until next episode. Sadly I don’t think there’s much of a chance against a guy like Chuck Norris, who has a spare fist in his beard. :-) He can play around a bit for the amusement factor.

*I don’t think someone that can fight like Chuck Norris needs a gun or has any problems with counting.*

tony October 5, 2012 at 18:18

Of course Chuck Norris always wins! But if Nay goes to a battle with Chuck, even if this is a battlerap, people will not be interested in seeing a losing fight! Bets will be cancelled!

We have to create a suspension of disbelief. No suspension, no betting public, no money! Nay should have a secret knowledge to confront the allmighty Chuck! What would this secret power be? Just be sure we don’t make her THAT powerfull (like giving her a stone from planet Crypto to disarm superman, we’ll need a Deus ex machina to get out of shit).

Will we remember that Chuck always wins or we’ll get stuck in the disbelief? Who’s ganna take the beating if people find out we knew the result from the beginning?

Imagine that: we take the money and then say it LOUD that we were making fun of the betting public! And then the public answers: hey, are you nuts? Betting on Nay was a real VALUE! Not a chance you knew the outcome from the beginning. Keep our money, you deserve it. We had a lot of fun!

Are they nuts!?? We’re stealing from them and they LOVE it??!! What the F..K?!! Is this paradise? No, that can’t be true.. Give them their money back. What we just did is just NOT right!

Who’s the mugger now? :)

Kane October 4, 2012 at 03:53

Hello Tony—we ran out of space creating our own forum thread here!

Your last two replies were amazing. I did appreciate them, but have been away for a while. This incident with the person seems so old to me now.
I have depression so many things happen to me all the time, there is barely a gap between them!

“What matters is that you have some beliefs in your head that seem so natural to you that you don’t even question. The truth is that you also have a mental programming running subconsciously that actually harms you. You are not aware of it because you don’t know what to look for. When you see it for yourself, you’ll freak out.”

Very true, Tony. I have been aware of it for a long time, but is so ingrained and old that the roots are deep and complicated. Have you read the David Peltzer series?
It’s about a man that was severely abused as a young boy, set on fire, beaten, poisoned etc by his mother.
Or the movie “Precious”… I wonder how long that women took to remove her roots…(raped by stepfather) or gain back a real, strong vibration that attracted all the good things in life.
I’m not saying this is me…but an example of how long it takes to recover normal thinking after a lifetime of traumatic events. (not the average ups and downs like the ordinary person)
A normal person has to climb a ladder… someone like that has extra ladders to climb.. to even get to the starting line.

Are you able to see energy?
Can you see this? What does it look like you you?

“you were insisting on matters of no importance.”

This conversation is a bit dated to remember exactly what I was feeling…but generally I do this as a form of deflection from wounded area.

“And in this case, trust is everything.”

You are very insightful Tony.
I have some close people that I say I trust but not 100% under certain circumstances I even fear that they would choose someone else over me or in life death situation leave me to die.
I do have some belief that I am important, but I feel some people if given choice within family to kick me off the boat if one person had to be drowned. Or something like that… (a dramatic example) But under normal circumstances they love me very much.
Also with friends or lovers again I trust them 99% but there are certain triggers where I think…no if it comes to that I can’t trust them to value me first. Right now I can’t think of the trigger, but it is very rare but it exists some rare situations where I think I would be second choice.
This is based on some reality or fear because I am generally the first choice. It is most imaginary, but still I wouldn’t risk my life with 1% doubt.
My lover I trust 100% in life or death situations, but other matters I think maybe not, I cannot remember, but I remember feeling small doubts about everyone, even the best of people. I certainly trust them more than family. I trust them to save my life, I trust them to pick my retirement place or keep me alive, to be faithful… but there was one thing… I had a doubt on.
It is not them, but my personality, no-one will have 100% of my trust under all circumstances.
I think that is normal human nature.

“If you want to begin the process, we have to make clear that there is no such thing as good or bad. It’s somehow useful for you now, but until you fully understand it, I would like you to tell me what was the worst thing that annoyed you with your frienemy. You’ll find it alone in the process , I’ll just make sure to show you the traps. I want you to spot only one thing, the worst of all and tell me why. What bothered you the most?”

That’s hard to say as this was a petty incident and I have had worse. With thinking of bullying in general the worst things were:

-having others stand around and not say anything to the person, the cowardice of onlookers
(I always stick up for others and feel disappointed when the same loyalty isn’t shown by other humans)
-in some cases the isolation where no one was witness and no-one would believe they are like that
(disturbing two-face people that others trust)
-that no one cared enough to feel outrage on my behalf, the indifference of others towards the situation
- that they pointed out things in a public and embarrassing fashion

- in this particular situation—it was the fact I was always polite to them with sincere compliments and the rudeness was unwarranted.
It was the fact that you give kindness to people and some spit back in your face and others watch this and have no reaction.

But it was a while ago so hard to remember exactly… but based on general memories of similar events.. that was the annoyance.
I have lost things to protect others and then not have it returned…seems unjust and disappointing.
(character of humans in general) like the people that laugh at the injured instead of stopping the bleeding they take a photo.

Lack of teamwork and sense of being part of a group just as valued as anyone else that attacking me would be not the thing to do as it would upset the group.
That I am some exception to many rules where certain things have always been OK to do to me, but criminal to do to someone else.

Outsider feelings…even with ones I love. That different rules apply to me and to the worst benefit.
I get tougher penalties for breaking the rules and extra ones placed on me. Something like that…
That I don’t get the same compassion under certain circumstances as others. I have to try 10x harder than the average human.
————————————————–

Your second reply:

“B.Your job is to live your life and to please yourself
(resistance will tell you that if you do so, you are a selfish dick who’s interested only in himself – ignoring the fact that you can actually trully care about others but it’s not your job to save the world or do anything you don’t want to do just to prove that you are not selfish)”

Yes, very true once again. The moment I start to make these changes and do something for myself, I somehow attract people (mostly from an older generation) that assume I have been joyful for years (even though it was day number 1)
and that I have always had an easy life and it’s time for me to service others, do charity, work harder and not be selfish.
When I try to explain this is the first time in years I have enjoyed my life they don’t believe me.

C.Things can happen the way you want them to happen
(resistance will tell you that you shouldn’t do that because if you’ll win then someone will lose and that’s not nice. You are convinced this is not nice and you prefer self-sacrifice. Someone forgot to mention that this there-can-be-only-one-highlander-bullshit is an illusion and you should consider your needs first because it’s your job to live yourlife and take care of yourself. So, this way you block your red chakra ,if you like this spiritual stuff, and you place yourself at the second place before the beginning of the race.

“second-place”….yes, again true Tony, the thorn in my side, I know all this intellectually, but believing it…

D. You do have everyone’s respect
( resistance will tell you to interpret what you see as people insulting you. The truth is that some people are more willing to show you YOUR resistance and what YOU trully feel about YOURSELF. As a matter of fact it is -and always was- about you, even if you don’t want to understand it and that’s why I told you that you are not the nice person you think you are.


because I am cruel to myself? I feel I love myself very much! I just can’t hammer that down to a deeper level.

“F. Why you expected THEM to behave that way and not someone else?”

A VERY good question Tony, WHY indeed. I don’t know :-( Because I have weaknesses and sensitivity?? because I am kind???, because I reveal too much and regret it later as they use my own words against me????
Because there are people that need to boost themselves up to feel better and they selected the gentle one as the “easy” target.
So I feel angry and think that I don’t want to look too gentle, lest it be my undoing.

“H. You attracted people with resistance and now we know why. But why you expected them to show their resistance to you?
(resistance will tell you that they are rude, what’s the point to analyse that? They are rude so they are rude to you. The truth is that you sensed their energy and that it was uncomfortable for them to change their behaviour instantly. Do you feel responsible for what other people feel? Is it you who made them uncomfortable?)”

I don’t know…. when digging for roots I am quite bad at it. It gets complicated, drags my mood down and even if I find the reasons why…I cannot be certain that is correct and changing beliefs…
I don’t know how to REALLY change them beyond the intellectual level, which is all to much aware of my problems.

Thank you very much Tony. :-)

tony October 4, 2012 at 18:13

i will use {} to make references to your input. I’ll then explain what happens. I’ll then use * to show you another way to think. I’ll then use ** to show you why this manifestation happened. This post is to be taken LIGHTLY. Some things might upset you… you are warned :)

{“I have been aware of it for a long time, but is so ingrained and old that the roots are deep and complicated}
Here’s your limiting belief: If a problem exists, it can only get worse. How much worse it can be? it depends on the time we are ignoring it. If it stays too long, it gets ingrained and it’s almost impossible to change.
*Your belief implies that problems occur to you. That means you are not the creator of your life but life just happens to you. That also means that you have a problem when problems arise. That also implies that there’s nothing you can do about it. That means you are powerless. Since you are powerless you can’t do anything to stop it (see the vicious circle?)
**This manifestation happened to show you that if you continue seeing yourself as powerless you can’t do anything to stop it. Your brain splits and speaks to you: Kane, you’re not powerless. You would have been dead. But you’re testing a belief that wants you to be powerless and if you continue to be powerless to prove that you are not powerless you will fail. Feel some pain because it’s the only thing that will make you reconsider what you are doing.

——-
{I’m not saying this is me…but an example of how long it takes to recover normal thinking after a lifetime of traumatic events}
limiting beliefs: a) The more serious an event is, the more difficult it is to recover
b) if you apply a force, there must be an equal reaction, otherwise it’s fake
*says who? are you trying to verify a false-prophecy? i suggest you throw a party now
** you want to test this belief? Some will be glad to help and offer you traumatic events so you can use your lifetime (which by the way you think it’s defined in years)
to see how long it takes to recover. As long as you keep thinking how long it takes, you imply that it hasn’t end and the duration of the effect might still influence you now)

———–
{they would choose someone else over me or in life death situation leave me to die}
limiting belief: if something is true and valuable , it must be obvious to everyone, If it’s only me that sees it, then it’s not real
*that implies that if it’s only you that sees something, that’s not good enough. If others have more power and it’s up to them to decide, you have to be sure that they see what you see. That implies that what you see may not be true otherwise it would be obvious.
** testing how others can see what they are not supposed to see, to verify that they won’t see it gives you what you expected. They don’t see it even if something terrible is going to happen. They are not supposed to see it. Why you test this belief is another thing. It’s your fear that you will miss something and you want to see others making that mistake (and in very fatal situations) to see what happens and know what to expect. Pretty pathetic if you ask me. Take your chances and if you do something terrible, you are now adult. Although nothing terrible will happen if you realise your power, if you keep your resistance and something terrible does happen, you can ignore those who might punish you and find new friends. You’ll have some guilt the first time but society will accept you if you are not prone to self-punishment to expect them to punish you. You can be sure. I’m accusing you, yes. Please accept that I have no power over you, you can be an asshole too, none will punish you (if you are ok with the thought of not to be punished and escape) and I see you as a friend but I don’t tell you that because we are now searching for other stuff.

{I do have some belief that I am important, but I feel some people if given choice within family to kick me off the boat if one person had to be drowned}
Limiting beliefs: Life just happens and I don’t know why, this life is difficult, it’s difficult because bad moments exist, something extremely bad is always probable to happen, we haven’t discussed who is going to get sacrificed in every possible scenario but chances are that I am the favourite to take the kick
*I don’t want to be rude, no offence man, but it seems that your parents (or those who raised you) had some BIG issues.. I say that because in order to form a belief you have to see something happening or sense it (feel it in the air). I don’t want to dig here for you because I had some issues with my family too and perhaps I ‘ll miss the point (getting confused with what I had experienced).

{but I remember feeling small doubts about everyone even the best of people}.
limiting belief: everyone makes mistakes. some mistakes are more grave than others
*that implies that there’s no guarantee that people won’t make mistakes when you will need them most.
** There are no mistakes. You need them for company, not to make your life miserable or to save you. Sure there are some miserable people but there are some awesome people too. Want a crazy thought? The same people who are awesome to you are a pain in the ass for others. There’s only a strong desire and the danger of punishment if things go wrong (things not get done in the most appropriate way). My boss expects things, he is a good man, but business is business. You just doubt yourself. The route “I am not good enough because I don’t know what life will throw at me and I have been burned before”. But: You make your life. When you realise that you will see that all this thing is resistance based on what you should think.

{It was the fact that you give kindness to people and some spit back in your face and others watch this and have no reaction}
limiting belief: some people with some characteristics are ungrateful bastards
*I gave you kindness too (even though you didn’t realize it). I told you “to your success” and you told me to concentrate on my success. Melody didn’t stop me and you asked why she was so insensitive to my comments. As a matter of fact, there’s no kindness. It’s you who define kindness. I was not offended, please don’t feel bad.
**You adopted this belief because you saw an incosistency. There were some standards for your behaviour but those standards didn’t apply to others. You told a bad word, you were punished. Someone else and the man who told you not to do that kept telling that word and that was ok. The thing you miss is that you wanted to be a good kid and you expected others to treat you like a good kid. The problem began when you were convinced that it’s good for you to be a good kid and then convinced yourself that this good kid has to behave in a certain way too. Otherwise it wouldn’t be good. It would be a bad kid pretending to be the good kid. I bet you tried that. I also bet you saw how easy it was. Those adults were easily fooled, weren’t they? But that was wrong. They were weak. You tried to show that to them but they didn’t listen. They didn’t respect the weak but they wanted their child to become weak. Otherwise they wouldn’t give acceptance and appreciation. Did you want their appreciation? If you were a bad child (according to their point of view) but concealed your dirty business to their eyes, they would see a good child , right?
Would that be fake? Like you have robbed them and they don’t know that. But the robber lives with them and they feed him smiling.

{I am cruel to myself? I feel I love myself very much! I just can’t hammer that down to a deeper level.}
**You have found petrol/oil. Don’t push it again. The problem isn’t there. The problem is that some people were robots, are robots and will be robots and you can’t do anything if they don’t want to change. It’s up to them to wake up and see how weak they are. I used to cry for them, but since they are not willing to do the work for themselfs we have no power over them and they don’t need our help. They made a mess and it’s true that after all this effort it seems impossible to change on their own. You still have their love. But they are robots. As long as they are robots you will only destroy yourself trying to be a robot to see how they will be fixed.

{when digging for roots I am quite bad at iteven if I find the reasons why…I cannot be certain that is correct and changing beliefs…I don’t know how to REALLY change them beyond the intellectual level}
It’s true. You broke your leg to see how it feels to break your leg. But you didn’t actually understand why those with broken legs kept being in that state forever. You keep beating your leg, as they do and nobody can walk. This became a problem because someone has to flush the toilet and something stinks. You now wonder. Who’s turn is it? Who is going to be able and walk first? Me again? That sucks! I became like you to be respected and you tell me that I’ll have no respect again? That sucks! But, if I leave, who’s going to be with me? You lied to me! How can we be so miserable? Is that the future you wanted for me? And you knew it from the beginning?

How does that sound to you?

Kane October 5, 2012 at 00:22

It sounds good, and I enjoy your use of metaphors and analogies. It’s the philosopher coming out in you. They are clever metaphors, but sometimes (ok often) I’m not clever enough to really get what they are in reference to.

I will answer in reverse. As I am tired my answers are abrupt, and that’s not my style and it’s hard to do. I mean nothing by the shortness/curt.

Interruption!—(HA-HA-HA! I just googled the name “Kane” HILARIOUS! I had no idea! I just wanted to choose an imaginary name I made up… and this beefcake in wrestling underwear appears!
oh god! That is funny! That would explain some things! It’s a real name! :-) *wipes away laughter tears*
I’m still going to use this online…but now I know…ha!)

The last part was very confusing. I can see all the limiting beliefs you pointed out and have always known them or some version of that.
Digging them out… that is still the confusing part. That’s where I get stuck.

-Yes it was important (to me) as a child to be authentic. It was more around being punished for anger and depression. Then rewarded for fake smiles and pleasant behavior and I felt I wasn’t being myself. I wasn’t allowed to cry or yell and instead just smile and pretend to be happy.
This is why I allow myself to be sensitive and cry, yell or be happy as much as I like. I’m not embarrassed by emotions. The world sees that as sensitive, I see it as rebellion. I can feel whatever, cry, laugh..whatever and most people cannot do that–so in some areas I do have courage.
I am a bit complex. (I know this frustrates me as simple is neat and easy to adjust)

Relate this to present day and what this has to do with it. (?) You were making two points at once.
-
My eyes are really hurting so I’ll have to be fast (forgive if I miss points, we can always come back):

-Robots— this was another good metaphor, you’d be good at writing, poetry, philosophy but I think you’d enjoy fiction best and short stories.
I understood your point about empathy. I have moved away from “breaking myself to understand how another can be fixed”
Very good example. I can never really see from their point of view or why another doesn’t like me or has limited capacity to love.

As for how this relates to loving myself… I questioned self-cruelty because I thought that’s what you were saying.
That the bullies/rude people reflect how I feel about myself?

And I say how can that be as I love myself?

-next!-
“The same people who are awesome to you are a pain in the ass for others.” —excellent.
I have many thoughts on this later. (my closest friend is considered cruel/intimidating by most people!!! Obviously that’s not what I see. another story)

I know this and I just need a way to dig up this belief and change my “powerlessness” (don’t know how, aware of the points you make.) to attract more of the best side of people.
If I can do it for this particular person, I should be able to have this with everyone.

It’s in reverse at the moment (get the worst of more people than the best, but the best is still pretty impressive…
too complicated to go into why I can get the best from the “worst” people. but not the ordinary fool.)

-changing beliefs is where I get stuck. You make excellent points and I know them in my head, but don’t truly believe in the alternatives suggested on a deep level that manifests.
^ ah there we go..ok how to replace this large pile of limiting beliefs with the new beliefs so they stick and start manifesting. I feel overwhelmed that I have too many limiting beliefs and will take too long to change each one.

-you are not being rude, there is truth in there

-the first point confused me. I can understand some elements of perspective

-”As long as you keep thinking how long it takes, you imply that it hasn’t end and the duration of the effect might still influence you now”

Great point. No I don’t want to continue “recovering” for the rest of my life. I want things done fast.

- how to start believing I have power against all evidence in my pitiful life I do not.

LOA takes faith in unseen things and I’m one that needs rock solid evidence.

I’d explain better but I’m really tired now.

Thanks again and I will come back. :-)

tony October 5, 2012 at 15:35

You have changed a lot since the last time we talked. Can you see that?
This conversation is a manifestation too. I think we have finally found a channel to communicate with more clarity.

Your change is a fact. And mine too, but you shouldn’t think about my progress at this stage. Stand on your own feet first and then examine your role as a mirror. One thing at a time. I admit this progress is better than I hoped.

Now we have to take one more step. We have to answer the last questions to move smoothly towards our goal. After that you ‘ll get the tools and after the tools you’ll gain knowledge about how to use them. Then you are on your own , free as a true human being (birds are too easily enslaved…).

{I can see all the limiting beliefs. Digging them out… that is still the confusing part}
Of course you can understand that your beliefs exist! Your beliefs are your beliefs! It’s very simple. The trap is how you look at them. You have a nose, right? When you watch tv, can you see the place your nose is supposed to be? I bet you can, but you have to take your attention away from the screen and focus on your nose. Or you can do both but you have to focus more aggresively. The problem is not that you have beliefs. Your beliefs are thoughts. The problem is that you don’t know why something is real and under which circumstances, so you can have confidence that what you are believing in is real. If you knew the truth you wouldn’t have to rely on people’s opinions or on scientific claims which stay true until we observe something else and the theory collapses. Did you know that Newton’s law for gravity is considered obsolete by scientists (and not accurate for planets) but we still use it in mechanics because we see results? That’s madness. We say that this thing seems to work well in our world but there is a big but about why it works well.

I’m talking about the truth. What’s the truth? I said that if you knew the truth you wouldn’t have to rely on anybody else. Is it true? I think not. For now. Let me explain.
I’ll give you the exact formula to calculate the speed of light for less dense dimensions than this we are living now.
speed of light in dimension n= speed of light in our dimension*10^(n*6)
for the next less dense dimension n=1
Is that of any value to you now? Do you know why it is true?(which is true by the way). Do you know how to use it to feel better? If I told you that you could play music and money appear in front of you, would you believe me? Have you seen experiments where there is a metal plate full with water and sand- make the plate vibrate according to a sound and the sand will take a form. Have you seen how iron nails take positions in a magnetic field?

Enough with this now. I’m just trying to tell you that there are limitless options and there are very beautiful things in the world. It’s a pitty not focusing on them and focus on pain and lies instead. That’s the goal in our current horizon. To focus on beauty and knowledge. To learn to aknowledge and create this beauty and be free. You can do that simply by keeping thinking. What usually stops us is the thought that we should start thinking why pain doesn’t exist, so we create the image of pain in our minds. We then try to earn money to survive, staying in unsatisfying relationships to convince ourselfs that we are normal.
And that is brainwashing.

{I’m not embarrassed by emotions. The world sees that as sensitive, I see it as rebellion}
You get what you expect. Brainwashed people told you that the world sees that as something sensitive (we suppose it’s something that can be bad). You confirmed it because you didn’t know how to control your mind.
Let’s take a break and think.
When you were at school, listening to a teacher in the class, what did you do? At least three levels exist here: 1) Why you manifested a situation with you being in a school and listening to a teacher 2) When you heard him speaking, what were you thinking 3) what conclusions you made after that situation
Let’s analyze this a little. 1)The manifestation occured according to some beliefs. Your environment thought that you don’t have knowledge and you have to go to school. You thought that the thought of a school is real. You also thought that you can’t do otherwise, you are supposed to go there. Not only this thought was real but that was an obligation too. A school manifested. Did it manifest out of the blue? There’s also a thought that the idea of a school (buildning and teachers) existed before your arrival in this world. But, you create your reality. Where were these thoughts come from? The idea also includes that the school must be a building and it must have teachers to work. Not all teachings happen in buildings. 2)When you heard the teacher, were you focused on him or were you daydreaming? What were you supposed to do? 3) What good came from this experience? What was your intention when you were attending classes? Was your intention to be a good child, a good pupil or both? Why do schools evaluate behaviour too? These are not questions to be taken lightly.

Be extra careful: I am definitely NOT talking about anarchy or any other philosophical bullshit of brainwashed people. I’m talking about your perfect ability to manifest and trust people and the fact that what you manifested and the conclusions you draw were not serving you. In fact, you were manipulated all the way until now and you were eager to be manipulated. Otherwise you were warned that you wouldn’t be a part of this world. That was a lie. If you didn’t go to school you would be an outcast, right? Tell me please, how Bill Gates managed to make millions without finishing his obligations at the university? Without that toilet-paper degree, he should be in the unemployment list.

You don’t have to control your thoughts, you have to control your mind. You shouldn’t care about bullets. Your ammunition will never end. Learn how to keep your gun in good condition and don’t turn it against you. As long as you keep thinking that you are exposed to society, bullshit will still come into your head and you will not know what to believe and what’s real. Your cage is not made of iron. Your cage is the doubt of what works. We tell you that everything works if you believe it that it works. That doesn’t work for you now because you doubt what will happen. You doubt because you are not sure about the consequencies.
That means that you are still thinking about what SHOULD happen. That’s the brainwash you have to get rid of.

Is that helping you?

Kane October 9, 2012 at 04:04

“You have changed a lot since the last time we talked. Can you see that?”

I haven’t changed, your perspective has changed. You now see Kane the-big-picture rather than some myopic version of me based on a single comment and vulnerable side of myself.
Some days I’ll handle things really well, some days not so much. Like most people I have more than one side, more than one mood.
But that’s something you’ve done well with, now you can see that.

I think with you (I say this as my close friend I mentioned earlier does this too) that you see some things in black and white thinking.
Kane is bullied therefore it means that Kane is this or that. When I show capability outside of that scope you are shocked, because you don’t see the shades of grey in the middle of two extremes of a person.
(“dichotomy”)

In your other comment where you demanded I return to this conversation (which I have by my own free will at a time that now suits me) you mentioned duality.

What does duality mean to you? How does it apply to me?<<< my instinct says your answer here is important to me, especially in regards to having conflicting vibrations and conflicting beliefs at the same time.

I am thinking/guessing you are correctly referring to the fact I hold more than one vibration around many subjects and therefore can get very mixed results in my life.
A crude example: A person will rob me and moments later another person will give everything they have for me.
They'll burn down my house, but I still believe that there are people that will burn my house down, but other people that would rush to my aid and give everything to build it back up again.

So with that crude example (not to be taken literally) on the topic of humans, like most people I have mixed beliefs so will get all kinds of results.
The petty bully incident is one you know about.
There are MANY positive experiences with other humans and friends… but I don't mention what is not a problem (if it's not broken, don't fix it)

Is this the duality you refer to (having two conflicting vibrations about many topics and leading a typical, mostly balanced life where you get both the worst of people and the best? along with all the shades in between?)

A person can have a anxiety attack in the morning over a certain topic so anyone watching them at that point will think as you do that they are lacking knowledge and are clueless people (in your black category)
That same person can have a great day in the afternoon around another topic. Anyone watching them having a great time will think "wow they sure have that together"
and that perspective or time of meeting is very different to the person that met them right in the middle of a panic attack.

What if someone met Melody while her teeth were killing her???
That person would have a different view of her from the one that meets her while she is calm and teaching LOA, in her element.
Would it be fair to base a perspective of her on a singular time of difficulty?
Likewise my negative experiences are not the sum of me, just parts, just like the part of Melody, wise as she is that still experienced pain.

"I admit this progress is better than I hoped." :-) Great!

"It’s a pitty not focusing on them and focus on pain and lies instead. That’s the goal in our current horizon. To focus on beauty and knowledge. To learn to aknowledge and create this beauty and be free. You can do that simply by keeping thinking. What usually stops us is the thought that we should start thinking why pain doesn’t exist, so we create the image of pain in our minds. We then try to earn money to survive, staying in unsatisfying relationships to convince ourselfs that we are normal.
And that is brainwashing."

Ah-ha, Tony! Now here's two things:
1) I do focus on the positive, I am incredibly honest, so I admit my negative manifestations as well as the positive
(which by the way is something even Melody does, she doesn't pretend to be superior where bad things never happen to her)
Others here like to admit their success/teach to others and get cheered and pats on the back for that…
but it is harder to admit a negative manifestation. One might lose their status as some LOA guru… admitting that things go wrong for them too.

2) "Imagine pain in our minds"… well what you don't see is this might be SUBCONSCIOUS therefore NOT ON PURPOSE and not purposefully bringing ourselves bad situations like some idiot.
****Have you considered manifesting might backfire on those with depression as the frequency is wrong?***
There are many factors. All my deliberate actions are for the right things.
It's the subconscious that is causing me issues and it is invisible to me.

Your questions about school:
1) I don't know, I admit that is beyond me scope. Getting that deep about the universe won't help me now. Let's keep it simple and one step at a time.
2) When teachers spoke to me, I was mostly fascinated from a young age and enjoyed the experience.
3) I didn't make many conscious conclusions, except a great teacher makes all the difference, that I love to learn and that if you are passionate about a topic it is easier to focus.

"I get what I expect" Well I'm not so sure. As a child I often thought I'd fail a test. Instead I'd get the best mark in the class. :-) Often life shows me/us the opposite in a pleasant or unpleasant surprise.

If the fact I am highly emotional isn't being too sensitive as society tries to brainwash me…what is it then?
Am I abnormally sensitive? Or is society just stunted? Thank you kindly for this remark about brainwashing.
But what is it then? What am I? I felt my sensitive vibration is what in some cases will attract a bully.
If a woman is abused and her lover becomes a bully, what is that? Is it all the same thing?…
attacking people being magnetized by something. In my case I don't know what my damn roots are or what attracts shit to me or how to dig it out. We go in circles.
I appreciate you really helping to shovel it out! Your determination is admirable.

More qs' on teachers:
1) Again I have no idea. 2) I was mostly focused on them, I think you are meant to focus as much as you can, but daydreaming gives the mind a break.

3)The good that came and the intentions have the same core answer: to gain knowledge on various topics, to spark interest in learning, to find a passion, to have social interactions with other people and learn to learn with them.

"Why do schools evaluate behaviour too? These are not questions to be taken lightly."
:-) An excellent question Tony, again I say you are clever and I hope you are able to express this in whatever you do in life.
It would be a shame to waste a mind like yours.

I think that schools evaluate behaviour for both sinister and constructive, positive reasons:
Sinister motives some authorities may have:
molding young childrens' reactions and personalities into what is expected by society, curbing emotional outbursts so that a human is more easily contained and controlled.
Instilling values onto the child that suit society and the powers that be… etc

positive motives: Create a positive learning space that manages bullies and class interruptions to a minimal so the teacher can do their job, to inform the parents of any behaviour changes in case something is happening with that pupil, for the students welfare, for the other students welfare, to encourage kind and polite behaviour and good manners to others, for social interaction that is harmonious.

Programming of people from a young age into conformity?
Programming people for good behaviour so that they learn important social skills like sharing, problem solving, friend making, being fair and helpful with others etc
They prepare people for work or for free life.

"Tell me please, how Bill Gates managed to make millions without finishing his obligations at the university? Without that toilet-paper degree, he should be in the unemployment list."

Some people are self-taught and learn from hands-on experience. I know there are other ways to achieve your goals.

"You don’t have to control your thoughts, you have to control your mind. You shouldn’t care about bullets. Your ammunition will never end. Learn how to keep your gun in good condition and don’t turn it against you. As long as you keep thinking that you are exposed to society, bullshit will still come into your head and you will not know what to believe and what’s real. Your cage is not made of iron. Your cage is the doubt of what works. We tell you that everything works if you believe it that it works. That doesn’t work for you now because you doubt what will happen."

It's more because I have resistance and depression so when I change my beliefs or think of a better outcome I cannot deny the resistance it hits and the trigger is a twinge when I think of these happier alternatives, I feel sad. The gap between reality and what I want is so large and so many tangled beliefs.

"You doubt because you are not sure about the consequences."
hmmm…it's that and that I don't like triggering resistance with these visualizations, positive thinking etc
In fact I'm quite terrible at this LOA stuff, it seems so difficult when you have too many limiting beliefs and complications.
If only it were as easy as closing your eyes and imagining.. but this concept of resistance etc makes it look tangled.
The more complicated the more lost I get. I respond well to simplicity.

"That means that you are still thinking about what SHOULD happen. That’s the brainwash you have to get rid of."

In trying to replace my beliefs I just can't force myself to believe in the alternatives.
I really wish I could but it seems ridiculous to imagine situations totally turned around.

"Is that helping you?"

Yes and no. I am helped by your company, the effort you take in your replies and our conversations.
But this also triggers my feelings that no matter how hard I try I can't ever find or remove the roots of resistance causing me issues.
It's too complicated I don't understand all that and those parts in this blog confuse me.
I wish I never heard the word "resistance" and the other complications in this blog. I love some of the things here but I also think it took a simple concept and made it all complicated and in depth…

I often feel more confused and hopeless than ever.

tony October 9, 2012 at 06:23

“The Secret is so straightforward…think of it=get it. Done. In some ways that is good! Why do we have to complicate with roots of resistance and limited beliefs and other things that give me a headache.”

Ok, then think of Donald Duck and expect him to appear.. If you don’t see a duck with a towel in your living room in the next 48 hours, don’t call LOA center to complain, just focus harder. Am I implying this thing doesn’t work? I’m saying it LOUD. If you want to think of something but what you actually want is staying where you are (because you don’t know how to face stressful factors which might appear) you ‘ll stay where you are, de-activated like Arnold in Terminator3.

“Why would the universe make it that hard? We should just say “I want to change my situation, depression or no depression and this is what I want”

If you believed you could change your depression and live happily (without more stress and certainly without greater disappointments) you would have changed. Guaranteed. You don’t change because you don’t know what to do next and you don’t know how to face what caused the depression (which might happen again). Like heroin addicts. They can stop anytime. The cold turkey takes less time than quitting smoking but what they will do next? Should they change their friends? Will their world collapse? Are they good enough to live a normal life again? If they are, why are they so f..cked up?

According to what (you believe) you are capable to experience (including risks and stress), what you are experiencing now is what suits you most. Understood? Your subconscious mind knows you will shit your pants if you see a change and keeps you safe. When you try to do something to change, it warns you with experiences that stress you, to show you that you are not ready for that pressure yet, forcing you to reconsider your situation.

“What does duality mean to you?”
Why should a person have a dual mind in his head? To remember what he wants until he’s capable again to make it happen. If you do what you desire, that shouldn’t be an issue. If you cannot do what you desire, then that’s a problem. You learned to live in a society, so you were not alone. You have to respect others and others have to respect you. But it’s something we have agreed, police cannot be everywhere to control people and enforce the law. You are not allowed to burn your neighbours house if you desire to see him homeless. But what stops you? Who can guess what you think? What if you put his house on fire and then play the innocent? What if someone else does that? Isn’t it more easy to steal money than working? Does it worth the risk sometimes? What will happen if you get caught? What should happen? If we are all free, where our freedom stops? Am I free to break your neck if I don’t like your face? If none is around, who can stop me? If you defend yourself and kill me, will you sleep well? Can you defend yourself? When you vote, has your opinion on this matter any value? If this isn’t a dangerous world, where all this fear comes from?

“Others here like to admit their success/teach to others and get cheered and pats on the back for that…”
That’s why I keep saying you are not the nice person you think you are…
Do you think you can do that on your own? Please tell me because I get bored when I see adults behaving like little children who want to avoid learning how to multiply. Can’t we just add the numbers? Why do we have to learn that? Add a billion to another billion and count them with your fingers if you like. Finding limiting beliefs is NOT rocket-science but it’s not automatic neither (if you don’t know what you have to do to make it an automatic process)

“It’s more because I have resistance and depression so when I change my beliefs or think of a better outcome I cannot deny the resistance it hits and the trigger is a twinge when I think of these happier alternatives, I feel sad”

Of course you have resistance. What’s the point in creating something precious if any morron can ruin it and go unpunished? (living like a free man if another free man can hunt you down and you cannot convince him that what he is doing is wrong?) If you knew how they go unpunished (to defend yourself) why not copy that? Who will stop you? If everyone does it, will society continue to exist? If it won’t exist, don’t we need society to survive?

Kane October 9, 2012 at 14:03

I’m tired of your mood swings Tony.

I went to great effort to meticulously go through your LONG comment and answer each question thoughtfully as it seemed you were finally ready for a calm, mature, HELPFUL conversation.

Now you have reverted to aggression and ranting–totally off topic.

Take a good look at yourself and YOUR life, because you are obviously not happy either as you feel the need to speak to others like this.

What is the point of reducing your aggression, earning my trust, showing your intelligence and having a good conversation…
then suddenly ranting on.

I can see you need more help than I do and my only regret is that I didn’t terminate the conversation earlier when I first smelt the smoke.
I thought I’d give your different perspective a chance, I did and it seems you’ll never change.

We are not at harmony, trying to flog a connection that was never there. I don’t resonate with you any longer and wish you all the best.

In future please refrain from interrupting my conversations with others with insults and aggressive tactics.
If you can’t play nice, don’t play at all.

tony October 9, 2012 at 19:00

Poor victim..

“my only regret is that I didn’t terminate the conversation earlier when I first smelt the smoke.”
You smelt smoke with the bully on the gym too but you wanted his help. Where’s your dignity in that?

“The fact that you continue to spew your insults at me, claim I don’t have dignity, says more about you than me.”
Insults? I’m just telling the truth as I see it. If that point of view makes you mad and you call it an insult to justify your need to be aggressive, it’s not my fault.

“You are happy in your aggressive teacher–compliant pupil dynamic and as soon as I try to put some equality between us [...] ”
Equality? We are both equal by the law. You want to be the same, not equal. And you are mad because you want to receive help in the way that YOUR Ego can accept, so it could be easier for you to turn it down.

“Before “helping” another question your motives and ask yourself “do I really give a hoot about this person? What is my motivation here?”
You tell me not to tell you what to do and then do exactly the same to me? Wow, that’s great!

“In future please refrain from interrupting my conversations with others with insults and aggressive tactics.”
I can’t promise you anything for the future because only now exists. And it’s not my blog neither. Are you asking me to control myself? Why should I do that? Do you have a problem reading what I write? Should I make your problem my problem to make life easier for you? Is that what you are saying? And you are not a bully right now?

Is it clear enough for you now to understand why you attract bullies?

“If you can’t play nice, don’t play at all”
It’s not you who makes the rules. Go tell that to bullies, to thieves and your government. Don’t tell that to me to find peace. I haven’t stolen from you, I haven’t beaten you, I haven’t done anything bad.

You are not the victim.

Kane October 4, 2012 at 04:11

Hi Melody,

The conversation with Tony and I is just another reason you need that forum up and running! :-)
(unless you want the comment section of your blog looking all messy!)

With the tittle saying “how to say no” this reminds me of “how to speak up” which is something I have two very different vibrations going on with that!
In some circumstances people are baffled that I spoke up (generally when it comes to protecting someone that is not me :-)
And then it’s like David and Goliath! Watch out when I’m protecting the underdog!

But me… even something as simple as telling my friend their music was too loud and deafening me..
well in retrospect is seems so simple.. but I couldn’t… how lame is that!

I generally sit there squirming, poke at my ears, shuffle, make obvious body language and if not someone I like…
do something passive aggressive.. depending how bad they were…have thoughts of silently unscrewing their music player and mailing it to them.

Well that’s just creepy… but you get the picture..I can’t just ask or I eventually crack and turn it down and accept any reaction.

So many times I just sit there and suffer, when I could just say “this is hurting me” but often I can’t, I endure because my throat literally closes over and it’s an epic task just to say that one thing.
Where did my courage go then? I don’t know.

Melody Fletcher October 6, 2012 at 00:35

Uff Kane. A forum is on my list, but those are A LOT of work, and right now, I can’t take anything else on. That would put me in a stressed state and I’m not going there anymore. :) But I’m sure the solution will present itself, and then forum for everyone. Plus, forum moderators, natch.

You know, being passive aggressive is so disrespectful. Most of the time, people don’t know that they are bothering you, and when you hint and hint, it’s like you’re saying that they’ve been doing it on purpose and should have the decency to stop it. Why can’t you say anything? Because you have a strong assumption that something bad would happen. Work through some scenarios in your head until you find one that you can play out successfully (it goes smoothly). Like, you ask them to turn down their music nicely, and they immediately agree to do it, since their intention was never to bug you. They just wanted to listen to music. See? Easy peasy. :)

Hugs,
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..How To Find Enlightenment Even When You Want to Slap PeopleMy Profile

Kane October 7, 2012 at 13:08

Wow Melody. Talk about having attitude! :-) *fake shock* Well I’ll be disrespectful more often if it’s gonna get you a a little firey.

:-)

Also the situations I give are always altertered to hide identity so it was a little different to that…

Melody Fletcher October 7, 2012 at 14:24

Ooops, I didn’t mean to come across as firey, lol. Just making a point. But the principle is the same even if the details are different. Assume it will go well, whatever you want to accomplish, visualize it until it’s more comfortable and then implement. Voila! Happy shiny Kane. :)

Hugs,
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..And Then A Pink Haired Man And His Grandpa Made Me Cry…My Profile

tony October 8, 2012 at 05:37

sorry for getting in your conversation, but this is very important:
you cannot hide your identity Kane.. your soul is doing everything in this world (including creating your body) according to some knowledge about how this world is supposed to work. You may see results because of an intention but no truth stands still with no lie and no lie seems feasible with no truth.
The difference between them is the one grain that matters most. This grain is where life is. If you were a form of a higher intelligence who could remain hidden to the eyes of a human, you would have lost your grace using such a language.. Come back to finish our conversation. You cannot be a leader until you get rid of your duality
no offense.

Kane October 9, 2012 at 00:53

You’re not sorry to interrupt, Tony!

“Come back to finish our conversation.”

I had ever intention to, remember a time difference and the fact we both have other things to do. There’s no need for you to push.

I don’t take kindly to you thinking you can tell me what to do. I will answer when it suits me.

tony October 9, 2012 at 07:43

Spare me the lecture on your rights. This attitude of “I won’t give you the pleasure” has made you sick. You are among the most easily manipulated human beings on planet earth right now, don’t pretend you have dignity when good people remind you of your duty to stay on your feet.

Kane October 9, 2012 at 14:22

The fact that you continue to spew your insults at me, claim I don’t have dignity, says more about you than me.

As I said before, have a good, hard look at yourself and why you felt the need to engage me.
You interrupted my conversation with Melody. You then realized I don’t respond well to nasty tactics.
You change your tune, tone it down and start a respectful and interesting conversation.
Then when things don’t go exactly as you (control freak) want or I give you some equal assessment of YOURSELF you can’t handle it. So I gave you a little attitude back and that’s when you get your nasty attitude out of storage.

You are happy in your aggressive teacher–compliant pupil dynamic and as soon as I try to put some equality between us and speak to you as a friend–you can dish it out very well, but cannot accept or handle your own medicine.

You completely missed the point of this blog that good manners and respect=weak.
You decided to walk all over me in the name of help and I was foolish enough to buy the idea that you had my good intentions in mind and this was some sort of “tough love”

The reality is you have zero consideration for me or my progress and are using this conversation for your own ego.
You cannot whip lessons into someone and people don’t like letting their barriers down, only to be shot at once they do.

Before “helping” another question your motives and ask yourself “do I really give a hoot about this person? What is my motivation here?”

If you do your own digging, you’ll see you are motivated for yourself and clearly don’t give a hoot about me as you have made very clear.

In this case it’s not inspired action done from a source of love for your fellow man, but something else.
We won’t get anywhere from that negative source of your ego stroking.

This has turned into an argument, and I am walking away and leaving you to your tantrum.

Kane October 9, 2012 at 04:19

I really suck at all this! It all seems so hard and sometimes your blog complicates some things. (for me) while clarifying others.
The Secret is so straightforward…think of it=get it. Done. In some ways that is good!

Why do we have to complicate with roots of resistance and limited beliefs and other things that give me a headache.
Why would the universe make it that hard? We should just say “I want to change my situation, depression or no depression and this is what I want” then you show them the image or feeling in your mind.

Why do we have to be put through all this tribulation of digging up roots and getting further tangled in the process. Ladders and circles and other quagmire of add-ons that we don’t need.
That’s not fun or joyful and it makes LOA seem to hard while unhappy and maybe unhappy people won’t get good results because they are full of resistance. This backfires on them.
Trying to deal with resistance just puts negative focus on more of what we don’t want.

So do you have to wait to cure depression first before attempting these things…but what if that’s what you want to manifest… a happy life.

Happy shiny Kane…

tony October 9, 2012 at 07:04

why don’t we have 5 hands? why my grandmother was born a woman? Why Appolo didn’t win Rocky? are you sure you want to hear the TRUTH?

You think of a good thought “I’m going to eat the chocolate cake”. Something is moving to the west. You then make an opposite thought “Mommy will kill me if she sees that”. Something is moving to the east. And that goes on forever. Where’s the FUN in that?

solutions 1)put the cake down 2)kill your mommy 3)invite Copperfield to make the cake disappear 4)convince your mommy that this cake is good for your health 5)bribe a member of the family to take the responsibility 6) understand that mommy is not the enemy and expect her to make another one for you

outcomes 1)you don’t eat 2)jail 3)he’s busy 4)you’re too young to convince her 5)they ask a lot of money for such a small favour 6)result and happiness

Melody Fletcher October 9, 2012 at 19:56

Hi Tony,

I’m know you’re trying to help, and I do appreciate that, but I have to say that I’m a bit confused by your comment. What is it that you’re hoping that Kane will learn from this?

Also, I’d like to ask you to please dial back the confrontational style a little. People will hear their truth when they are ready. When they are ready, they don’t need to be slapped in the face with it. When they are not ready, no amount of slapping will help. But it can make people afraid to participate, and I’m afraid that’s not acceptable to me. So, perhaps, kinder, gentler Tony could come out to play. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody

tony October 9, 2012 at 22:59

I don’t see why I’m not kind and gentle. When someone makes passive aggressive comments he shows he’s ready for a battle. Otherwise he would have left saying nothing. If he wants to defend his pride even if he knows he will lose and then feel offended, why should I care for him? There’s a big misconception. The fact that I care about a human being (and I want to help) doesn’t mean I’ll do everything for him, including agreeing with everything he says. And I’m showing that in practice.

I understand what you imply and I respect it. But it doesn’t work Melody. Not for a man. Not in this world. In order to understand why violence doesn’t work, you have to figure out what to expect after you win. Depression exists because we know what to expect after we lose.
I’ll quit my confrontational style, but I don’t have other tools to work with.
In case we do not understand each other, our topic here is how to deal with violence (otherwise we shouldn’t be afraid to say no) and the subject is not Mahatma Ghandi. To put it in better words: if the victim is not willing to cooperate, our job is not to tell him he will find better lords, but to show him he’s not a victim.

Hugs,
Tony

Melody Fletcher October 11, 2012 at 12:03

Hey Tony,

I guess I disagree that there’s always a victim, and that it’s about violence. I believe you can take violence out of the equation. There doesn’t have to be a battle at all. And you can show people that they are not a victim by not being one yourself, but standing strong without fighting. I get what you are saying – you don’t have other tools. But isn’t that partially why you’re here? To learn other tools? And I think that’s what’s happening now, in this comment thread. You get to try out a few different things and see what works. One of the most effective things you can do is to not feel like you need to engage when it doesn’t serve you. If you feel challenged by someone’s comments, you don’t have to answer. You don’t even have to feel challenged. The process of figuring out why you felt challenged is the work I condone.

It’s trial and error, much of the time. Nothing went wrong here. What I’m saying is that you have no obligation to help anyone here. You don’t have to do everything for anyone, or even anything for anyone. Let that responsibility fall. Let the fight fall. See what’s left (there will be something left, I promise, and it’ll surprise you).

This is a safe place. For you, too. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Dear LOA: Do We Really Have To Tithe?My Profile

tony October 11, 2012 at 22:47

” You don’t even have to feel challenged”

That’s exactly what I did with my parents, teachers and the police. Have you ever witnessed how frustrated and foolish they look, giving them so much power and not a clue how to use it?

My conclusion about debates and relationships of this kind is that people just want an excuse to be aggresive. Those who have power want you to be violent , the weak want you to be impolite. But they both want an excuse to express their most violent insticts. If they wanted to change they would play another game. But they don’t. And as days come and go, they feel worse and make a mess. They don’t change because ,after so much hate, they don’t remember how to live without fighting. It’s easier for them to find an excuse to stop than to think a way to advance. Give them a clue out of your good heart, they will take a step further and then they”ll get stuck there waiting for more. Give them support to amaze themselves and they will find someone else to impede their growth. It’s a dead end.

If you don’t play their game they will keep doing what they do best until they dye. Many won’t come for help until it’s so late that you have to be the son of a god to believe that you can actually help. And they won’t allow to be helped. They just ask for a reason to validate that what happened to them was not their fault.

I thought that all these experiences were my limiting beliefs and that’s true. But when I walk out of my home, the people who are willing to offer me this experience of reality are real people with flesh and bones. And as I continue to prosper I find it very disappointing to see them staying in the same place they were 10 years before (or even more). It’s ridiculous to see someone becoming a puppet to show that he respects you. And it’s more ridiculous to see the same person becoming an animal (according to his standards) when he understands that you are not going to bite him.

Then I have to decide. It would be easier for me to take advantage of those people. I could talk to them with so much fake love and compassion and validate the madness so they can be happy and continue to be robots. I would see results and who cares if they stay frustrated? I could also give real love but it seems that they don’t know how to handle it. It’s like having a command in their head to deny that they deserve that love as they can’t find reasons to love themselves. They give love back, i have done my job, and then they search other people to fight.

If nothing works, then I’ll grab a beer to watch this madness and I’ll do nothing. I sense there’s something I don’t understand right now but I’m sure that after two nights of a good sleep, my understanding of this situation will be better.

I’ll be very happy to hear your thoughts. If you have better conclusions I’ll love to hear them.

Melody Fletcher October 12, 2012 at 17:50

Hey Tony,

You have no obligation to help anyone. So even if you see that they have not changed, it’s not because you didn’t help them. I would say, take your focus off of those who have not changed in 10 years and put it on those who are growing and becoming more self aware. Do nothing more often, and let those who are ready for your help come to you. Don’t seek them out. You clearly want to help, and the way to do that in a way that will consistently satisfy you is to allow those who are ready for your particular help to come to you. Those exchanges will be awesome. the ones that aren’t came out of a desire to help but weren’t a match to that outcome because you took action before there was alignment. This does take some trial and error. But what I feel from you mainly is a deep desire to help but also this enormous sense of obligation to do so. Let go of the obligation. That’s what causes the frustration.

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Could Awareness Raising Campaigns Actually Be Making The Problem Worse?My Profile

tony October 13, 2012 at 08:52

Thank you. I just realised my last excuse to be squeezed out.

Melody Fletcher October 9, 2012 at 19:50

Hey Kane,

It actually doesn’t have to be that hard. The Universe didn’t make it hard, we did. The answer really is that all we have to do is find something that makes us feel better, even if it’s on a completely unrelated topic. Rinse and repeat. But, our well trained minds (trained by us humans) don’t like that answer. They want us to dig into the niitty gritty details. That’s why I offer so much explanation. That’s why I offer all these techniques. Not because our souls need them, but because our overanalytical minds won’t get out of the way, otherwise. We’ve been trained to think that life has to be hard and that success comes at a price. A high one, generally. So, when I tell people to just be happy, their minds say “that won’t work. It’s too easy.” And then they block themselves from feeling better. That’s when the releasing work helps.

No, you don’t have to wait to cure depression before doing these things. These things will help you to clear depression. The way out of depression is anger. It will feel better to you than sadness. And never anger against yourself (that’s the root of depression). Direct it outward (in your mind. Don’t go beating up on people now, lol).

You don’t suck at this. If you did, you wouldn’t be here. And, I’d like to point out that you stood up for yourself quite eloquently on this very blog post. According to you, just days ago, that was not part of your M.O. How’s that for growth? Give yourself credit!! You’re doing really well. You’re going to get there. I know you are, even if you don’t right now.

Sending you huge hugs and love and light,
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Dear LOA: Do We Really Have To Tithe?My Profile

Kane October 10, 2012 at 04:25

Hi Melody,

All spiritual people, from all different walks, say something similar about humans making life hard and not the opposite way around.
If this is the case why were we created with a brain that naturally complicates things and overthinks?
Why were we created with tendencies to move away from our soul? You said there are no lessons and I agree. We are meant to enjoy ourselves…so why are we in bodies and minds that are so easily lead away. It’s like the design itself is flawed or rigged. :-)
That’s like humans creating a robot that is designed to be polite and helpful and perform only certain tasks. We already have automated systems all over the world and robots without feelings that dispense or money and serve as as replacement cashiers. They don’t resent these tasks because they weren’t made with a human brain, so the computer you use is a tool, like a hammer.
It would be cruel to create a working machine, that we consider a tool, with emotions so it can suffer and be aware that it is a human tool. So we leave this computer and this keyboard as tools.
We don’t add a pain sensor to the keyboard so it hurts every time we tap or pound on the keys. That would be nonsensical, cruel and sad/funny in a sadistic way:
“oooh ahhh, why do you keep hitting me??? Whhhhy?” says your keyboard. What a flawed design!
Then just for the fun of it they chuck in some other experimental programs like emotional awareness and anger, combine that with the strength of a machine body and then like in so many sci-fi or horror movies wonder “why oh why are they attacking us now?”
So then we created these robots and then get mad with them when they rebel. Frankly that is stupid, and my impression of the universe! :-)
It created the humans, to be as we are, it knows everything, it saw this coming, yet it still decided to make us like this, with easy to infect bodies and flawed minds that separate us from soul.
So is the universe capable of being flawed? Making mistakes? >>>Where did we come from?<<<<
Why is there evidence of evolution and dinosaurs and neanderthals IF apparantly we were these harmonious creatures billions of years ago? It doesn't make sense.
A society that didn't evolve, because we were already evolved, that was harmonious and already created from source and filled with all this good and happiness, is too wise to ever get to the way it is now.
With people like me, full of sorrow and confusion and disease in their bodies.

In Taosim there is a sad story that speaks of the humans being at one with nature and having great energetic abilities and being these fantastic evolved creatures and then slowly moving away from the other animals and hurting them. Then the humans didn't know who they were anymore and were always unhappy, and disconnected from the earth and their powers.
The mythologies and theories of human life all basically say a similar thing-we were once at harmony and happiness and then we got separated and now have to learn how to find our way back.
Sometimes it's said from the point of view of the "original sin" or some other horrible thing the poor humans supposedly did to be banished into the state we are now (for something we can't even remember)
which is just BS, but doesn't explain anything. It's all the same way to say "we don't really know where we came from, but we must have done something awful to be in such discord as we are now, so let's invent a guilt-ridden tale to explain why the universe created us like this able to be separated in the first place-to shift the blame onto the humans."

Just as the robots created by fools who made their programming in the first place, have every right to chase us down and ask us why, we have the right to know from the universe. But instead it just hands down Law of Attraction and if we want to be happy and restored, we have to go on this epic quest of manifestion just to do it, confusing it in our human mind which btw way, the universe made in the first place!
That's called bad programming! Then it slaps us for getting it wrong!

I hope you understand.
"our overanalytical minds won’t get out of the way, otherwise. We’ve been trained to think that life has to be hard and that success comes at a price. A high one, generally. So, when I tell people to just be happy, their minds say “that won’t work. It’s too easy.” And then they block themselves from feeling better."
The Universe gave us those overanalytical minds…. What a crock!! :-) It knows it won't work in our favor like that!

Thank you very much for your compliments. I can stand up for myself, but what I wanted to stop was whatever it was that created a situation where I need to in the first place.
I feel that I suck as I'm very stuck in my life and I came here months ago and nothing has changed.

But thank you.
I'd hug you back if I could.

Melody Fletcher October 12, 2012 at 12:42

Hey Kane,

The answer that resonates most with me is far simpler than original sin or something like that. We came here, created these bodies to experience the physical, and removed our knowledge of just how powerful we are so that we could truly experience it. We put a mechanism in place to help us figure out if we were creating what we wanted or not. And that worked perfectly for some time – we were in harmony with nature. But as we evolved and became slightly more self aware, we started to observe and came to some really faulty conclusions about how the Universe worked. We then taught this erroneous knowledge to our kids, and so forth. We’re now finding our way out of those faulty conclusions. That’s really all that happened.

The Universe doesn’t slap us for getting it wrong. All that’s happening is that the mechanism we put in place long ago is still working. And when we focus in a way that doesn’t serve us, we feel negative emotion and have negative manifestations, designed to get us back on track. And if we honor how we feel, we can find our way back again. The biggest false conclusion we ever came to is that how we feel isn’t important. We’re remembering how it really is now, though.

The process of standing up for yourself in a way that works for you will move you out of the belief that caused you to need to in the first place. You’re doing the work! And you’re doing so much better than you know. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody

rachid February 28, 2013 at 00:38

Preferably it is in respect to refuse someone one on one, but if you possibly feel uncomfortable you should have a third party near by with knowledge of what’s going on to go to afterwards.
thank you for this great article .

Melody Fletcher March 3, 2013 at 22:07

Hey Rachid,

Having a support system in place can be a great help. I agree. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Why Do Our Brains Accept False Beliefs As Truth?My Profile

Comments on this entry are closed.

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: