Emergency LOA: What To Do When The Sh*t Is Hitting The Fan

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by Melody Fletcher on September 2, 2012

 

Today’s question comes to us from Awesome Dudette: “During the confrontation with authority figures in particular, WHAT DO YOU DO RIGHT IN THE MOMENT? e.g. When you are minding your own business and you attracted a bad manifestation like some security guard or power-loving authority harassing you and making you late or deciding to hold you for the maximum 4 hrs a police can hold you without reason – just to be a pain and watch you squirm.
They are just lording it over you, getting all pumped up (especially if male and you are female) doing pedantic things like whipping out a measuring tape and declaring your wheels are 1 millimeter over or some stupid thing- ANYTHING in other words to wreck your day and get some power over an innocent person (all made up examples).

Well before you release resistance so these things can’t happen again- IN THE MOMENT- what do you do to halt the bad situation getting out of hand?

How do you stop or reverse a bad manifestation?

I’ve written extensively about how to go back and release resistance so “negative” events don’t occur again. But what about when you’re right in the middle of a pile of crap and you’re having a total meltdown. What do you do then?

You cannot stop the momentum

First, the bad news: Once a particular manifestation has so much momentum going that it’s literally slapping you in the face, there’s not much you can do to stop it in that moment. You kind of just have to let it play out. It’s like if you’re on a rocket to the moon. Once that sucker has taken off, you’re not just going to be able to make it come to a screeching halt in midair. It’s going to travel some distance before it starts to slow down, and until it does, there’s nothing you can do.

You CAN stop your reaction, though

What you can do, however, is stop your reaction. This doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to go all Zen in a matter of seconds. But you can stop fighting back and pouring fuel on the fire. Let them have their tantrum or moment of power and know that it will pass soon.

How does that translate into the real world?

  • If someone is yelling at you, stop yelling back. Respond calmly or not at all. Just shut up. It’s hard to keep screaming at someone who isn’t screaming back.
  • If someone is holding you (like the police, for 4 hours), cooperate. Don’t assume that they’re going to lock you up for life on false charges. Just cooperate and assume that they will release you. Say things like “Ok. No problem.”
  • Stop fighting. You don’t have to love them or even like them. Just stop fighting. Stop arguing. Stop justifying. The point is not to be right, it’s to let them run out of steam.
  • Take a deep breath before you say anything.
  • If you can’t figure out how to be cooperative, say as little as possible. Snide remarks will fan the flames and it’s your aim to diffuse the situation.
  • Take moments of silence. If you can, get to the bathroom or some other private space for a few minutes. Get calm and decide not to do your best to not antagonize the situation further.
  • If you can’t get away, do this in your own head. They may be yelling at you, but there’s no cosmic rule that says you have to listen to them do so. You can ignore the person and focus on whatever you want to in your own head. Try not to be obvious about the ignoring, though.
  • Agree with the other person in some way. If they are ranting about some injustice, you can agree that they have a right to feel upset (you don’t have to agree that they have been slighted). Say things like “That IS upsetting. I can see where you’re coming from. I wouldn’t like that either. I can see how that would make you angry.” You are not necessarily agreeing with their reasons for being upset, but simply allowing them their point of view. This is much more powerful than you may realize. When someone feels heard, they often stop their aggressive behavior immediately.
  • Even if they’re being ridiculous, like a security guard hassling you over one millimeter, play along. Admit to the error. You’ll be amazed at how their demeanor changes  if you respect their authority.
  • Do NOT disagree with them. Do not tell them they’re wrong (even if they totally are). From their point of view, they’re right.
  • See them like you would a small child having a tantrum. Don’t take their behavior so personally. They may be taking it out on you, but generally speaking, their outburst will have little to do with you. When you can see how their reaction is separate from you, it will help you to calm down.

It’s not about being a doormat

The idea here is not to be a doormat and this is certainly not the strategy I would advise to resolve long term conflict. The main goal is to allow the momentum that’s built up to just run out, like waiting for the rocket ship to slow down so you can guide it and turn it around.

When you stop pushing against an aggressor, they will generally run out of steam quite quickly. When you keep defending, they will see it as offensive behavior and keep coming at you. Again, this isn’t meant to be a guide on how to resolve huge conflicts, but these tactics work well when someone just irrationally comes at you.

It’s not about being right

In order to do this successfully, you have to be willing to put your pride aside. When you see them as wrong and yourself as right and you keep arguing that point, you’ll just be handing them more ammunition. But if you can make dissolving the conflict more important than being right, if you can see that admitting to a small, insignificant slight or agreeing to their right to be bossy or upset, costs you nothing, you stand a very good chance of diffusing such volatile situations in a minutes and some cases, even seconds.

Some Personal Examples

I’ve been very fortunate to have many opportunities in my life to hone my tantrum diffusing skills. That’s a really fancy way of saying that I’ve been screamed at a lot. When I was a restaurant manager, I was often the target of customers who would get irrationally angry at the strangest things. I once had a man accuse me of trying to kill him, because he found a twisty tie (the kind that plastic bags are closed with) in his salad. A twisty tie that he had put there himself to try and scam the restaurant out of a free meal. While smiling and handing the man a free meal voucher was hard (I was following company policy. I wasn’t all that wise back then), I later realized that continuing to argue with the man would’ve been much worse.

When I was a casino dealer in Las Vegas, I would regularly be the recipient of drunken, angry rants.  To be fair, I usually had just taken a bunch of money from them. [Interesting factoid: those who lost their sh*t had generally only lost a few hundred dollars. The gamblers who lost hundreds of thousands of dollars rarely said a peep. That's a bit of insight into the differences in attitudes towards money…] If the tactics I described above work on drunk guys who just lost their rent money on one “sure” hand, they will work on just about anyone. What worked the best on drunken gamblers? Agreeing with them, looking compassionate and saying things like “Yeah. That sucks, man.”

“Why are you screaming at me?”

One of the most powerful techniques for diffusing an explosive situation that I’ve ever come across is one that I believe I read about in the Celestine Prophecy. I’ve tried this out with great success on several occasions. I haven’t had an opportunity to do so for years, but that’s only because I don’t really get yelled at anymore, something I’m totally ok with. Here it is:

Stay completely calm. Take a breath. Find a place of compassion by assuming that the other person has some valid reason to be upset about and that all of this is just a misunderstanding. Then, with a calm, caring (not bitchy!) voice, ask “Why are you screaming at me?” Do it like you’re really interested in the answer (hopefully, you are, but at least pretend). When done right, this question stops screamers in their tracks. Seriously, they generally stop, blink and stare. It’s like hitting the reset button.

It makes them take a look at themselves through your eyes and if your eyes have no malice in them, aren’t angry or bitchy or defensive, just interested and kind, they will not be able to continue the way they have. They will seem ridiculous to themselves. This is also greatly helped by the fact that they’re the only one screaming (which means you can’t also be screaming).

Once the tantrum has stopped, real conflict resolution can begin. In case you’d like read more on how to handle yourself in a confrontational situation, I’ve written the following blog posts about it:

How To Stand Up For Yourself Without Being A Bitch

Grow A Pair! Overcoming Your Fear of Confrontation

Overcoming Your Fear Of Confrontation – A Coaching Call

Don’t forget the permanent fix

Of course, once the situation has calmed down, it’s time to figure out what really happened. The clue to this won’t be in the other person’s erratic behavior, but rather in how you experience it. What was your reaction? What exactly was it that that they said or did that triggered you? Why? I’ve written well over a hundred posts dealing with releasing resistance on a variety of topics. You’ll find them all in the Archives. Or, you can choose a word from the Tag Cloud on the right side of the page and view posts relevant to that specific topic.

Bottom line

The bottom line here is that you can’t “fix” a situation in the moment when there’s a lot of momentum behind it. Sometimes you just have to let it take its course and wait out the storm (I know! How many metaphors am I going to use in this post?!). Once it has, you can then start cleaning up.

How do you deal with conflict resolution? Have you had experiences like the ones described above? What did you do? What do you wish you’d known at the time?

 

{ 61 comments }

Todd | Channelingmyself September 2, 2012 at 13:48

You said it Melody, it’s pretty much about one’s reaction to any given experience. I’m still undecided about certain events that unfold in our lives that we don’t seem to understand the reasoning behind. I believe the LOA exists for us here in this physical dimension so we can accomplish our soul’s plan in this lifetime. I’m just not certain how much of each lifetime is planned out and how much is just grey area.

Is an unfortunate event a pre-planned experience before we incarnate, is it something we manifested, or just the free will of someone else clashing in our reality? Either way, the only thing we can control is how we react to any given situation.
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Melody Fletcher September 2, 2012 at 18:51

Hey Todd,

For me, the kinds of events I’m talking about here, those “explosions” are always the result of resistance. We’re focused in a way that contradicts what we want and don’t know it. This is why we want to go back and clean up the real cause of the incident afterwards. In my experience, it is very possible to understand those reasons, but it’s not always easy.

But the realization that we own our reaction, and only our reaction is so powerful isn’t it? And empowering. At least for me. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Kat September 2, 2012 at 14:58

Great question and answer!

Some authority figures even go after happy, shiny puppies, but can surely be diffused with this method.

Thank you!

Melody Fletcher September 2, 2012 at 18:57

Hey Kat,

Writing this post made me aware that it’s been a really long time since I’ve had a proper argument. I sometimes have very spirited discussions with my best friend, where we both passionately explain our points. But in the end, we generally manage to see the perfection of both points of view and how, when seen from a large enough perspective, they are essentially different parts of the same.

When I think back to some of the screaming matches I was a part of, though, I can now perfectly see how I attracted them. I was insecure and defensive and afraid. Of course the came at me. :)

You know, this makes me imagine that if someone were truly stable in their high vibration, there may be a lot of people attacking them, but they would not perceive it as such. They would not feel attacked. They might be aware of the words or actions of others (or possibly not even that), but wouldn’t worry about it or experience any negative emotion because of it. Can you imagine? Ahhhh. Love that idea. :)

Huge smoochy hugs!

Melody
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Kat September 2, 2012 at 22:35

Yes, I love it too and can certainly imagine it so. I know it is possible.

This is vital. Thanks!

Philip Harris September 2, 2012 at 16:53

Become ONE with the fan!

Melody Fletcher September 2, 2012 at 18:57

Better than being one with the poop! Ha. :lol:

Hugs!
Melody
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mary carol moran September 2, 2012 at 20:04

Hi Melody,

Your post is so timely! I’m in the middle of a mini-meltdown. Having spent too much time worrying about what could go wrong, the going-wrongs are manifesting! I even realized what I was doing by negative anticipation, but felt powerless to stop it. Finally, I’ve started putting out all sorts of positive anticipation vibes and talk, and the negative signs are dissipating, slowly! Whew! Send me a giant blast of happy energy, okay??

Huge hugs,

Mary Carol
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Melody Fletcher September 3, 2012 at 00:04

Uff! Of course. Energy is on the way. Also, when you get to Ireland, the luck of the Irish will be with you. :) Honestly, the Irish are such lovely, friendly people. You’ll have a total blast. And, if you really need an energy boost, you could always take a detour to Barcelona. :lol:

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Nay September 3, 2012 at 03:19

Tear it up MC!

Those going-wrong manifestations can’t last because you have way too much momentum in the going-right manifestations. :D

Would love to be in Ireland w/ you. Lived in England 2.5 years but missed getting to Ireland and truly regret it. Hope you have a blast!!! ;)

Paige | simple mindfulness September 2, 2012 at 21:12

I definitely agree that we attract these kinds of situations when we’re feeling insecure and afraid. I liken them to a tennis match. If you don’t return the ball, they have nothing to throw at you.

When I first learned the power of the pause in arguments, it was like I had discovered magic. When I stopped being defensive and was simply quiet, the fire dissipated a bit. I was only taking a moment of quiet to consider the best response which, most times, was no response at all.

Agreeing with the other person is like catching the ball they throw at you. Again, you’re stopping the volley. Finding anything to agree with usually throws the other person off.

More great advice from the very wise Ms. Fletcher!! Big Hugs!!
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Melody Fletcher September 3, 2012 at 00:08

Hey Paige,

I love that metaphor! Like throwing a tennis ball. That’s perfect! And it’s so true. If you make people argue on their own, they will run out of steam fast. Because then they’re just a nutter who is screaming for no reason. It takes a bit of practice, but after the first time I did it successfully, I never went back.

I’ve been practicing thinking longer before I speak. I mean, really taking a pause to see how I truly want to react. The more emotional I am, the longer I pause (when I’m really flowing energy, like in coaching, there are no pauses). It was really hard at first. That extra silence wants to be filled. But what a difference it makes!

Awesome contribution Ms Paige! :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Elle September 2, 2012 at 21:17

Lol Melody. You brought back memories of old me, pushing back, getting upset…basically making matters worse, until I understood that whatever they thought I did, it was never my intention to hurt them, be an idiot, cause problems…take your pick. And then I began to say, exactly that ~ it wasn’t my intention to do…whatever I supposedly had done…and you are so right…the wind was taken right out of their sails. You can see it causes perplexity, and as you say it’s pretty challenging to keep yelling at someone who’s saying that really wasn’t my intention, I’m sorry you’re so upset. Nine times out of ten, they begin to apologize!

Haven’t had one of these incidents in a long while…but as I say you brought back memories that make me laugh! And you do that so well…make me laugh. :-)

Love Elle
xoxo
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Melody Fletcher September 3, 2012 at 00:14

Ha! Thanks Elle. Writing this post definitely brought back some fun memories. GAWD I used to worry about crap that now seems so completely irrelevant.

I like the sentence “That wasn’t my intention”. People will hear whatever their filters let them hear. I notice it on this blog, too. I’ll intend one thing and they’ll hear something completely different. All I can really do is to explain my intention, but that’s almost always enough.

The simplest solutions are the best, aren’t they? :)

Huge smoochy hugs for you!

Melody
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Alice September 3, 2012 at 06:11

Wish this were true….Some people get more pumped when you stay calm and apologize.

Nay September 2, 2012 at 22:51

Perfect timing again Melody,

I recently commented in another post how I suddenly had a knowing moment. I asked myself, with a whole new frame of mind, why I get so angry, and what would happen if I just didn’t.

I hate to say this because I hate the truth of it, but I’m the one who goes off while the other person is looking at me in surprise. Usually only with my husband, like I was safe doing it to him, but nobody else. And that sucks even more because he’s the one person who deserves my best, not my worst.

And he’s used all the methods you’ve talked about. Just shut up, agreed with me, ask why I was screaming at him. None of them worked, usually. I have, (hopefully had) the horrible habit of once I got started, I couldn’t shut it down. Like a fircracker. Once lit, it’s gotta’ explode. No, it’s was never pretty, or beneficial, or useful, or satisfying. Maybe for some people it is, but for me, it was horrible, especially after.

And my poor husband! He’s 6’1″ 200lbs and I’m 5’2″ 110lbs, and he would just let me yell at him. Like a little terrier barking up at a great dane. I could rant and rave, start to walk away after he let me go crazy, then come back for more. I don’t know how he does/did it. But I would almost always come back after I calmed down, tail tucked, head down, and tell him I’m sorry that I got so mad. Because I often realized it wasn’t his fault and I was way over the top. And I could never understand why in most cases. Yeah, he said things that were wrong, or hurt my feelings, or were just plain mean at times, but just as often, he didn’t. So why and how could I get ‘that’ angry? Even I didn’t understand it.

Like you said, what someone says or does, triggers our own fears, and we rear up in defense, trying to protect ourselves from what could happen if we let them get away with being wrong, or puting us in a bad light, or making us feel less, or God forbid, prove us wrong in something.

It was enlightening to realize that being right was such a strong desire inside myself. And what it came down to was, if I wasn’t right, then I had to be wrong, and being wrong lead to bad things happening. It was a cycle of fear that came from my parents. Being wrong in my past had led to some devastating life altering consequences, which were not fun in any way. If I let my guard down and my husband saw me as wrong, what would the consequences be? Not rational, but I can see it was my underlying thought/feeling. How could I consider being that angry as right, or a reason for him to still want me?

But that one moment, that little light that went off in my head was such a relief and surprise all in one. Out of the blue, going about my morning routine, a little voice in my head asked, ‘Why do I get so angry?’ And it wasn’t a new question. But there was a new feeling behind it. A shift in perception I guess. I can only think it was a shift inside that said, so what if you ‘are’ wrong? Won’t be the first or last time, and you don’t have to get angry or be afraid any more. Talk about freeing!

So this is a view from the other side I guess. The side that’s crazy and hurtful, and makes no sense to the one who is on the other side. No excuses, but I can see now how others go on the attack in protection of themselves. Never saw this of others until just now, even though I would be the one who was attacking. And of course now I’m crying. These moments of clarity can be so damned powerful!

Thank you always!!!

Melody Fletcher September 3, 2012 at 00:21

Hey Nay,

I wrote a post about being right a long time ago (it was my 13th blog post) and have dug it out of the Archives for you. I figured you’d like it.

http://www.deliberateblog.com/2011/03/06/youre-right-and-so-are-they/

Your husband probably understood that your outbursts had nothing to do with him. He sounds like a really secure man. :)

It is incredible how disproportionately emotional we can get when we don’t realize what’s really going on. It always makes perfect sense when we get to the bottom of it (like you figuring out that you were reacting to past situations). That’s one of the reasons I love this work so much. It just makes sense of everything (at least for moi!).

Thanks so much for sharing your success here. I’m sure your words will inspire some hothead out there to keep the faith and keep searching for the root cause. Oooh, anger management LOA style! :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Nay September 3, 2012 at 03:03

Thanks Melody,

Read the post already, and will read it again! That ability to really understand that two people with differing views can both be right, because they are seeing it from their own perspectives, is a big eye opener when you allow it into your thinking. I’m sure it was one of the things that helped with my AHA moment. I’m getting those moments pretty regular, and have no doubt it’s all the different posts and perspectives I’ve read here and other blogs that reflect the same mind set. I think I’ve read almost every one of your posts, and find something that is important to me in all of them.

And yes, my husband is a very secure, awesome man and always has been, which I can truly appreciate since I was, and can still be so insecure. Sometimes makes me wonder how I got him. But no fears. I know I’m a good wife and person, even with my firecracker temper. ;D I just need/ed to figure out why I am/was not happy. Hell, he’s still here after 20 years! And his daughters, who I got the privilege of helping raise, and who helped us raise our son, are often my best friends and treat me like their true mother. So it ain’t even close to all bad! As I am learning about myself, I’m beginning to see that fear seems to be the biggest thing that has interfered with the good/happy.

To realize what is going on in my life, and get to the bottom of my recurrent issues, frustrations, and feelings of discontent is why I am here regular. What is posted here and the laws of LOA make ‘AMAZING’ sense to me. So, I know if I keep reviewing, applying and practicing, my perception of my life will improve. Because I realize/get the sense that my feelings of discontent were disproportionate emotions all the way around. Emotions overblown through neglect of feelings, past hurts and beliefs, which all seem to lead back to fear.

I post my stories and feelings here, which was not easy at first, because I truly hope my struggle through this, my experiences, can maybe help someone. They can read my ups and downs and maybe something will click for them, or they, at the least, won’t feel alone if they too are struggling.

Anger/life management LOA style has been one of the best experiences in all my attempts to figure out what the hell was wrong! And I can honestly say I love that you are here, love what you are doing, and love you! Is that happy shiny puppy mush right there, or what?!

Melody Fletcher September 3, 2012 at 16:14

Hey Nay,

Thank YOU for being here. Your stories do help others know that they are not alone. We all have our beliefs to deal with, and none of them makes any sense, lol. But they are ours.

I’m certain you’re an awesome wife and mom. And you know what? Some people find a temper sexy. ;)

Love having you here, chica. Get as mushy as you want.

Huge happy shiny smoochy puppy hugs!
Melody
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s September 4, 2012 at 05:06

I read what nay said about her husband, and her wondering for a split second as to ‘ how she got him’. Of course, she said it as a joke. But does it work tht way tht suppose u get something good ( inflow of money, promotion, new job , relationship etc) and u keep thinking that ‘ hey I got so lucky. How DID I even get it?’ That might show feelings of undeservingness on my part? And the good luck might go away?
Just asking cuz in my case I’ve been with guys who I suddenly realized were awesome and I think I’m so damn lucky..and then poof..a week later, things get bad between us. I guess I might. Have overappreciated the crap outa them. How do ui draw the line batween appreciating and idolizin, so that u feel good, but the unworthiness dosent creep in?

Melody Fletcher September 4, 2012 at 17:32

Hey S,

You can’t overappreciate anyone or anything. But you can underappreciate yourself. So, instead of worrying about feeling to good about them, appreciate them all you want. But ALSO make sure that you appreciate yourself at the same time. You can do this deliberately. What is wonderful about you? What are your best qualities? What do you think your partner loves about you? If you practice these thoughts, it will be easier for you to shift when the insecurities come up. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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s September 5, 2012 at 11:06

Isn’t it wrong of think of myself as wonderful? Isn’t iot wrong to be proud? I’ve always been told I’m arrogant and that ithink too much of myself.

Melody Fletcher September 5, 2012 at 15:29

Hey S,

Oh my, no! It’s not wrong to think of yourself as wonderful. There’s a big difference between thinking that you are great and thinking that you are better than others. The second is arrogance which actually comes from low self-esteem. When you truly understand your value, you are not insecure and you don’t feel the need to be better than anyone else. In fact, when you recognize your own greatness, you have an easier time seeing it in others, as well.

I think I’ll write a blog post about this.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Eve August 16, 2013 at 11:46

Nay, I realise this is an old post and that you have probably moved in leaps and bounds from this point. I was wondering, though, if there is anything that can be ‘done’ to help to see what the underlying cause of the anger is. I am normally very mild mannered and sometimes even a little bit of the victim. But then – I get on the phone with a supplier (be it personal services like the phone company or at work some supplier of some or other service we are using) and I just lose it. I turn into a ranting harpy.

I read what you said about fear, but I’m not sure about that. Being right could be part of it. I sit down with my notebook and try and try to get to the bottom of it. It just is not coming. But just get me on the phone with someone! It is so frustrating. I am trying hard to release the anger and shift whatever is underneath it so that I don’t take it out on the innocent. But it is just not coming out in a safe way when I am alone.

And yes, I do realise that I am creating a reality in which it won’t shift by constantly saying it won’t shift! Catch-22. Any advice would be much appreciated. And thank you so much for sharing your journey on here. I have learnt a great deal from you! Thank you.

Alice September 3, 2012 at 07:09

Hi Nay,

Thanks for your honesty here!

Your husband sounds like me. :-( Just silently hoping they will please finally stop.

Was it the passiveness that adds fuel to the fire? The safe target thing? Do they appear wimpy?
Is it like some bunny rabbit that angry people just want to rip into?

I’m trying to figure this out as nothing seems to deflect the other person. Melodys’ suggestions just backfire on me.

Also calmy standing up for myself didn’t work either.

Nay September 3, 2012 at 23:44

Hey Alice,

I wish I could say exactly what I thought, or why I thought it was safe to just cut loose on him. For me, I truly think part of it was, ‘the safe target,’ but at the same time, there is nobody else who can push my buttons like my husband. Most often when I would vomit anger all over him, it would be because he did something I can’t stand, and/or, he did that something for the hundredth time. But it doesn’t matter the reason. I had reached a point where I would go over the top too often. I hated it, probably almost as much as he did.

And my husband would never let anybody else do this to him. He is not a passive person, at all. For some reason, I seem to be what he calls his kryptonite. I’m probably the only one who yells at him, and doesn’t get slapped down. Cause’ he’s very capable of defending himself, but with me, he says he honestly never wants to hurt my feelings. Did this knowledge make me feel freer to lose it? I really don’t know. In some ways I want to say yes because it makes sense, in others no, because I hated it so much after I was done exploding. And it wasn’t always like this. This grew over the years. So I think it grew with my discontent in myself, not because of anything he did. He was my mirror.

But remember, I am dealing with why I get so angry with my husband, and why can’t I stop. You are dealing with, why does this person get so angry with me, and why can’t I deflect them. You are on the other side. You are the one dealing with the viciousness. So you need to ask why you are drawing this to you. Like Melody always says, you can only have these experiences when you vibrate on the same level as the person you are having the experience with. In some way, your vibration matches the anger being directed at you.

Do I know this? Do I have anything like Melody’s knowledge in this? Not even close. But let me say what I sense. You can totally ignore it, and consider my two cents worth useless. But I’ll give it in hopes it might help. And I’m on the outside looking in, which can leave me blind, or give me a perspective you can’t see, because you’re in the middle of it.

The first thing I would look at is the anger I have about myself. The way I am getting LOA, these events are a reflection of your feelings. And I would think it is feelings you have for/about yourself. And after reading so many of your posts, I can see that you are tired of where you are at, tired of how you are feeling, and sick of it. And I also get the sense that you are angry at yourself in some ways because you can’t seem to fix it. So maybe this person(s?) who is doing the yelling and getting angry at you is reflecting what you are already feeling, about yourself.

And please, I could be way off my rocker, so don’t take this personally or as the answer. I am thinking of myself and how I feel, and what I think and have thought while trying to work with LOA, and applying it to your statements.

But it could be part of your answer. This person won’t stop or give you a break because you won’t give yourself a break. In your mind, all the methods you are trying to use to improve yourself, are not working. So all the methods you are using to deflect a person won’t work either, because your already thinking they won’t. I think you have accepted in your mind, that you just can’t do it. You can’t fix these problems. And this person is reflecting your anger, your sense of helplessness in trying to feel better, to improve your life, to fix things, to stop or deflect what you are so tired of, and any other emotion you are feeling.

But at the same time, you know you are not helpless. You know that you are capable and have been that happier person before. And you want to get there, but it’s not happening, no matter what you try. So, bingo. You get the same thing reflected back at you. Lots of different methods to change things, and no result, even though you know you’re not wimpy, or passive, or an easy target that can’t stand up for yourself.

When I work on myself, I have to ask some serious questions. And once is not enough. I have to do it over and over again, sometimes on the exact same subject, before I see anything happen. So ask yourself this. Why do I feel I’m not capable of making things better? Why do I keep attracting these situations where people abuse me, and I can’t stop it/get away from it? And yes, this is what I ask myself, regularly. Why do I think I can’t be happy? Then I start answering. I give all the reasons that come up. Sometimes they are very rational reasons, and sometimes they make absolutely no sense. And then I start throwing those reasons out, using logic.

It’s a slow process for me. I can throw one out with total logic, then be facing that same reason again when I’m starting the process over again a few weeks later, when I’m diving back into my funk. With my husband and temper, I had asked myself why and tried to reason myself out of doing it many times. And I truly believe through the repeated processes, something finally clicked. One of the big reasons, or underlying causes finally surfaced. I was horribly afraid of being wrong, and being judged harshly. And that had never really hit my radar in all the other times. Probably because I had buried past events that were key to the situation.

But you also have to realize, I’ve been climbing in my vibration for the last few months. It sometimes doesn’t feel like it, but I’m seeing too much that is showing that I am. So I most likely had to get to a certain level before this finally clicked, because I couldn’t see it from where I was before. Every day, I have to monitor my thoughts. And this is so not easy. But if I didn’t, the litany of poor me, life sucks, why can’t I be happy, what is wrong with me, why can’t I fix this, would start up again. So I have to stop those thoughts. Those were my mantra, even when I wasn’t aware of it.

But I also have to give it a break. I can obsess over doing this. I can wind myself tight when I don’t think it’s working, and drag myself back down. So there have been quite a few times when I just wallow in my funk for a few days. Just shut down the examiner of thought and let them flow, no matter how good or bad. I can’t always keep up the constant trying to fix things. It wears me out, literally.

So I let it go, and find something to do. I don’t have a lot of money, so going out and finding entertainment isn’t an option. So I read, walk, work in the yard, sit and cry because I’m feeling sorry for myself, because I’m sick of feeling sorry for myself. :) And I am definitely a cryer. I cry when I get sad, when I get angry; for me it can be very embarrassing, especially when you’re supposed to be in charge of others, and you start crying in front of them. ;(

So I obviously don’t have your answers. But I’m working on finding my answers. I’m having little epiphanies, and am starting to appreciate those epiphanies more and more. They started very slowly, and sometimes I still think they are too slow. But they are speeding up. And I am starting to feel better. And I haven’t yelled at my husband for almost two weeks. And yes, that’s pretty damned good for me. Cause he usually got blasted at least once a week. So I’m patting myself on the back, and waiting for the next change. And am starting to feel excited about those changes, and opportunities that are coming from my work.

Trust the process, because I’m seeing it working for me. And I’ll about guarantee you haven’t been working on this stuff for over twenty years, like me. ;)

Alice September 4, 2012 at 05:14

Hey Nay,

“Like Melody always says, you can only have these experiences when you vibrate on the same level as the person you are having the experience with. In some way, your vibration matches the anger being directed at you.”

Have you considered some people are just inconsiderate and nasty?

That they shouldn’t use “vibrations” as an excuse to match up with someone and vomit anger on them.

A kitten won’t be able to do anything if I decided to walk outside and harm it right now.
Just because I can and the kitten is a “match” doesn’t mean I should. I know plenty of people who are gentle souls and an easy match for me to rip straight into them… but I choose not to.
I feel that the people I spoke about also have that choice NOT to be a jerk.

It’s about taking responsibility for nastiness. The victim shouldn’t have to do all the heavy lifting.

“And after reading so many of your posts, I can see that you are tired of where you are at, tired of how you are feeling, and sick of it. And I also get the sense that you are angry at yourself in some ways because you can’t seem to fix it. So maybe this person(s?) who is doing the yelling and getting angry at you is reflecting what you are already feeling, about yourself.”

Firstly I am shocked you have read so many. They are pretty private and thought mostly Melody would have interest in them.
Why they interest you is a mystery. But thanks for the interest! :-) I feel like deleting them now.

Your observation is obvious. If they are reflecting my own frustrations it doesn’t tell me how to fix the root.
This comment/reply I’m writing is pretty lazy. I’m tired of these topics. As you say trying to figure it out is exhausting.
I don’t want to pick things apart as I already do too much of that. Just life life, be kind and avoid those people.

“And I’ll about guarantee you haven’t been working on this stuff for over twenty years, like me.”

Oh brother. :-(

Alice September 3, 2012 at 06:54

Hi Melody,

I really wish that these methods would apply for everyone.
In my case these are the methods I have used.

Personally, I rarely yell in an argument (with people I don’t love, it’s even less likely). The angrier I am the more silent I become.
I have had tears well up and that is incrediblly embarassing. I just felt a couple of situations were really unjust and I wasn’t crying from fear/sadness but from anger…but it made me look weak.

When I have tried to be reasonable it backfired. Agreeing with the person has resulted in extreme, gloating reactions like this:

(I kid you not, it’s like I was on trial-with a normal person…)

“ahhh! (bloated smile) sooo through your own admition (yes they really said that pompous statement) you admit you are wrong! You admit you *insert actions I did not do* and that you *blah, blah, blah*
I shall inform the group and we will decide on the appropriate action to take with you!”

*struts off happily to continue creating my demise.* All this based on me standing there calmly trying to difuse the situation and understand their point of view.

I can relate to customers. back in my teenage day I had a similar thing and again being nice and calm SEVERELY backfired.
They complained about waiting 10mins for food. (wasn’t my fault) the cook stepped out and he saw me burn my hands rushing to get his stupid food.
He seemed to take pleasure in this.
I apologized for the delay & gave him some very nice food.

Reaction:

“ooooh!!! This is ridiculous etc” (I’m calm, agree, apologize) He takes my name and complains to the manager.
The manager says I got a complaint, questions my entire ability and fires me.

So many examples where being calm was a terrible idea. I should have just told him to eff off. Got fired either way…. Should have gone out with some pride!

The things you say about not throwing fuel on the fire sounds like common sense… until you see the people I’ve had to deal with….

Ok. These people have become angry based on invisible things. Like my exsistence in general.

In other cases I’ve walked away and they become MORE abusive. I’ve been followed while not replying, trying to get away from them.

Worst was a very tall person that keep walking up behind me and listening in to my conversations.
I had walked away from their abuse, but they decided to keep an eye on me and try to intimidate by making their presence very obvious.

Within my private life people are more “normal” and these tactics generally work on loved ones.
There are however a couple of loved ones where this backfires with too. The more you back down, the more they step forward.

You step back, they step forward. You stop talking, they rant more. You walk away, they follow.
And never apologize…oh boy…talk about giving them fuel! Now you are wrong AND you admitted it.

Melody Fletcher September 3, 2012 at 16:31

Hey Alice,

What you are describing is an incredibly abusive dynamic. I recognize it well. Yes, you’re right, apologizing doesn’t always work, especially when done in an effort to appease. Think of an abused wife pleading with her husband and apologizing but then getting beaten anyway.

This is the same sort of energy that would be present when you just wait for the yelling to stop, as you said in your comment to Nay above. This made me realize an important distinction, one that I don’t think I made clear enough in the post. And that’s this:

It’s all about how you feel in that moment. When you go silent, if you are doing so while saying to yourself “Please don’t hurt me. Please don’t hurt me”, they will pick up on that. These bullies you describe seek weakness because it makes them feel strong. And so yes, they may actually escalate when someone does the equivalent of curling up in a fetal position.

But it’s not about being a doormat, just lying down and taking it. It’s about knowing that their reaction doesn’t ultimately have anything to do with you. It’s about finding a way to make yourself feel better in the moment. There’s the extreme of just taking it powerlessly and there’s the extreme of telling them to eff off. The key is to find the balance between the two.

So, for example, with the guy who was following you. If you had turned to him, calmly, not upset (not taking his behavior personally) and just asked him “May I help you?”, and I mean like a shop assistant, not confrontational, his response would’ve changed. Another question, said like you’re asking for the time, would be “Why are you following me?” Tone of voice and inflection is everything.

Basically, you react as if there was no aggression. An angry customer who is irrationally upset about waiting for their food is not angry about their food. A way to diffuse that situation could be (and it’s all theoretical, I wasn’t there, there are just ideas) to say “Are you having a bad day?”, but in tone that says “You poor thing”, like you’re on their side. You just take yourself out of the fight.

This does take a bit of confidence, and it does take practice. It took me many years to figure out exactly how to approach situations like this – lots of trial and error. My hope is that posts like this will shave off some of that time for readers. But in the end, you have to experience it to really get it.

Again, this isn’t for long term conflict resolution, but just for in the moment. The long term work is still required and actually makes this process easier. If you can shift your perspective on a situation in hindsight and you do that often, it really helps you do it in the moment.

Keep practicing. You will figure it out.

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Quick LOA Questions Volume 10 – Manifesting, Stray Thoughts and ArtistsMy Profile

Alice September 4, 2012 at 05:24

Hi Melody,

Good to read a reply from someone who has actually been in my place in the situation.

You have real wisdom. Thanks for this.

Nay September 4, 2012 at 00:04

Alice,

I should have read all of this before answering above. Still can’t think of anything to add. Just remember, analyze how you could be drawing these situations/people to you, by figuring out what you feel about yourself. (Besides the pissed offedness of being treated like that!) Also, this is what I do and may not work for you, but I figure it’s an option to look at. Keep working on it woman. You will get there.

Take care!

Alice September 4, 2012 at 05:18

Yep.

Where is there? Are you there?

You’ll also get to the places I am already at on other topics. ;-) hee hee love that cheek.

Nay September 4, 2012 at 09:24

Ah Alice, you make me smile!

For me, ‘there’ is a place where I am happy. Where I don’t feel like I’m missing something, or going the wrong way, or feeling disappointed. Sometimes I am there, and sometimes I’m not. Your ‘there’ could be something completely different, but it has to be a place where you don’t experience the disappointing and hurtful things that you write about in this post.

And as to your previous comment, I read almost all posts and responses. Why? Because so many little things bring the whole picture together for me. As for you, something about what you write and how you seem to feel on many subjects just resonates with me. I feel like I have been there and often am there, and because of that, want you to feel better. So if I can add two cents that help you, then I try to.

Yes, I used to always think that some people are just mean and nasty. I’ve been the recipient of nastiness, with many experiences that seemed to support this. And as my other post showed, I’ve been the giver of that nastiness, which I really hate admitting to… But I’m starting to see things differently. Which brings us back to what I believe now…these people can’t be in my reality unless I resonate with them in some way. And in hind sight, I can look back and see how I was feeling inside when these things happened in almost every bad experience I’ve been through. And my own nastiness is in response to something I am feeling, no matter what my husband did (or I think he did) that started the anger. It’s not him, it’s me.

And I can very well see how thinking about how long I’ve been working on this would be daunting to you. But it doesn’t have to be. The methods Meldoy gives do work. That’s why I’m so excited. I know you keep saying they don’t for you, and your tired of analyzing. I get that and totally understand it. So maybe it is time for you to stop trying and analyzing. But don’t stop looking for joy around you. Keep it simple and keep looking for it. No matter how small. That’s the one thing you don’t have to analyze to death. You just have to look around. :)

As you abviously know, with you, I don’t have the full picture or know where you really are at in your life. I only have your comments and the sense of what you feel, so obviously I could be way off! But at the same time, I am often figuring things out about myself and what I can do to help myself, while putting down my thoughts in response to your comments.

If you would rather I didn’t, please tell me! I won’t be bothered at all! I’m just very intent and excited about getting ‘THERE’ and wanting everyone else to get there too. And your posts catch my eye and my heart.

So disregard my comments if they are useless to you, or ask me to quite. Either way, I learn a lot about me when I try to give you advice. Kinda weird, but true none the less.

Cheers :D

Alice September 5, 2012 at 01:51

Hey Nay,

“I feel like I have been there and often am there, and because of that, want you to feel better.”

“And your posts catch my eye and my heart.”

!!!

Now I expect you to say this to Kat, not me. I’m not going to tell you that you rock or add to the cheerleading team.
Even in my good mood. No way. Your head might explode.

If this is true why do it in a way that makes me look like I’ve got learner plates taped on me or something?

hmmpft! :-)

I wasn’t daunted by the time length when I said oh brother, I was poking you with a stick.
Like oh god the arrogance “like me” was more an eye rolling reaction.

Now I need to actually live, you know run about naked and throw rocks at windows and all that so I’m giving all this reading a break.

I’ll try to reply but no more monster posts.

ta-ta.

I’ve also unsubscribed to the blog. I’ll come back when I want to. I was here a long time before you and Kat popped up on nearly every blog and are doing a great job in replacing me at keeping Melody run off her feet. :-)

Yep. I’ve read them all. :-)

H. September 3, 2012 at 12:01

Hi there!

Even though I understand the sense you made in this exposition about dealing with unexpected rants, I couldn’t help but reminisce a bit about a past love relationship.

The same tecnique about calming down and see my point was used to regain power (nothing wrong about that, if me being confused/cold/angry unbalanced him, and the purpose was to connect), but also as a manipulative device. I believed I had met a mature person, but instead I found liar with self-esteem issues (he clearly thought that all he had offer was some wit and “movie star face”).

I later realized that the communication – apparently so mature – had severe lacks. Instead of talking about stuff in general (because even though I was a great girlfriend – even with the issues I had in that time – I’m not freakin’ perfect and align all the time) and letting them go, he let the feelings he had for me corrode (again, probably as a way to feel in control and to prove to himself some beliefs). I had a feeling that something might be wrong, but he said all the “rights things” until unexpectedly (?), after a great day he decided it was time to leave.

And his belief about his value became true (not that it was – or deeply inside is – at least when he fell in love and saw himself trough loving eyes of a “new caring person”). And then, all he had to offer was the superficial qualities mentioned above. Oh, the whiny little “biatch” and his limiting beliefs… :P

Still a little bit sadness here. But all that hapened was perfect for my personal development and empowerment. And also ability not to resent (at least THAT MUCH) a person that for a moment had the power to make me feel like crap, and value what happened and the love that was shared.

As usal, I digressed… :S But here lies a hint of a suggestion for a next post about manipulation…

Kisses.

Melody Fletcher September 3, 2012 at 16:38

Hey H.,

You make a really important point. If you only ever diffuse the bombs in the moment, it doesn’t really solve much. The work afterwards is where the meat is really at. These are tactics for handling volatile situations as they happen, and nothing more. This is why I stressed that this is not a way to handle long term conflict.

Your example illustrates this perfectly. If you just shut down arguments and then go no further, you’ve actually shut down communication (a very common tactic in manipulation). The point of doing this is a healthy way is to diffuse the conflict to the point where an open and honest discussion is possible and then to have that discussion. When that doesn’t happen, the underlying problem just festers.

Thanks for helping me to clarify this here.

Congrats on gaining such clarity on how this relationship served you. You’ll get more over time. At the very least, you’ll recognize manipulative behavior much sooner in the future. :) And you’re right, it’s a great idea for a post.

Huge hugs!
Melody

Carolyn Hughes September 3, 2012 at 14:05

What a brilliant post in dealing with conflict! I love your suggestion of ‘why are you screaming at me?’ I’ve never tried it, but I’m going to. Sounds very simple and very often it’s the simple things that work that best.
Thanks!
Carolyn Hughes invites you to read..The Secret of Serenity.My Profile

Melody Fletcher September 3, 2012 at 16:39

Hey Carolyn,

It really works. The most important thing is your tone and your demeanor. You can’t be fighting when you do it. Ask them like you’re asking for the time, really calm, non-confrontational and kind of like you’re oblivious to their behavior. Then it works the best. :)

Try it and let us know how it goes!

Huge hugs!
Melody

Sonja September 3, 2012 at 15:35

Hi Melody,

let me just share what happened to me, if someone wants to suggest what I should be doing please feel free to do so!

I was seeing this wonderful guy, despite knowing about his commitment phobia. We have plenty in common, for example we are both gifted, have lived in other countries and share many opinions and beliefs, we could talk for hours until morning without even noticing. His mother agrees that he probably has commitment phobia as well, and we have spoken about it. We’ve known each other for nearly three years now and have always found back together despite obstacles, sometimes after dramatic events, once even after moving away from where we met, separately, and still ending up in the same area. The only differences we ever had were about his commitment issues and rather odd ideas. For example, before we met, he was living with a woman for two years who is slightly older than him (he’s 30 now). He loved her but ended the relationship because by the time he would feel ready to have children she would have been too old, or so he said. Although I am younger than she is, he hinted the same about me as well. Last year I learned about LOA during a period of separation, I used it and two days later I heard he had asked about me. Less than a month later we were back in touch, a few months later we met again. Things were looking good, though he still had the commitment issues. He brought up the issue of marriage several times, while I didn’t, and kept saying he wasn’t ready. I didn’t even ask anything about it. Now if you read this far, be prepared…

He went on a work trip for two weeks. While there he met a woman again who he (I think) might have had an affair with previously, and they had remained so-called friends for years, but hardly ever saw each other and there was definitely no relationship of any kind. She is six years older than him. They slept together when drunk, and she became pregnant. Now he is living with her and the newborn baby in the village where he grew up (and his family is also there, she moved from where she was living previously), he tried to keep the pregnancy info from me, however said that he had a girlfriend who he was happy with, told me that nothing had anything to do with me, that I should please not ever think he was angry, and so on. He is trying to not let in anyone but family and closest friends into the fact that he became a father, and deletes anything on social networking sites that could in the slightest point towards that.

So where did it go wrong? It seemed like he was running right into what he was running away from, and I know I didn’t create this reality, but it created mine? I still love him very much and have a strong feeling that this isn’t the end. Incidentally this reminds strongly of his parents who separated when he was young, only that they married first and had children on purpose. He could have been unwantingly recreating it, I know he was traumatized by the separation and having to leave home with his mom. I just wonder what to do now. I will write to him telling him that I know and that I accept the situation and still love him. So far I havent’t taken any action after I heard what really happened.

Melody Fletcher September 3, 2012 at 16:50

My dearest Sonja,

What is it that you truly want? You may think you want this man, but why? I don’t mean, that you love him, etc. What do you think he would bring to your life that you don’t have now? You want someone who will connect with you and this man won’t. He kept telling you over and over that he was afraid to (to the point that you’ve deemed it a phobia several times), that he didn’t want to commit, didn’t want to connect that deeply. So, that’s mirroring back your own fear of that connection (I can’t tell you what that fear is without getting into your head more).

Pushing to be together isn’t going to change him. The key here is for you to figure out what it is that you truly want, the way you want to feel with a man, how you feel about yourself when it comes to relationships and to raise that vibration. Focus on what it is that you truly want and don’t make it about this man. If he has it in him to match that vibration, he may then come around. But maybe not.

The feeling that you’re not done with him may well be because he’s still such a mirror to your fears (limiting beliefs) and those are still very active in you. They are being activated by your desire to have this deep connection. So, you manifest a guy whom you feel really attracted to but whom you ultimately can’t have. That’s painful.

My advice? Don’t contact him. Don’t engage. Stop chasing him and trying to make this connection happen. Spend some time focusing on what you truly want and leave the WHO out of it. Don’t focus on him. Focus on how you feel and what kind of relationship you truly want. As you do that, you may begin to see your relationship with this man in a whole new light – as in, he never really provided you with what you were reaching for. You wanted him to and you kept asking him to, but he never really did.

Don’t try to make this happen. Line up with what you really want (the deep connection, kindness, etc.) and then allow that to come to you.

I hope that was helpful.

Huge hugs!
Melody

Sonja September 3, 2012 at 17:55

Melody, I hear what you say and I thank you for your insight. But that’s just it – I’m not pushing him, and I didn’t keep asking for commitment before at all. I haven’t been reaching out for him since April, which is when I heard about the pregnancy. In fact I told him just before that that I didn’t want to meet in person under those circumstances (at the time for me that meant him seeing someone else, the reason for him seeing that person at all I found out about only later). When he returned from his trip, before he knew himself that she was pregnant, he made plans to see me. It’s not like he made this choice! He made a choice to stand up to his responsibilities under the circumstances, and I can’t find fault in that. But he didn’t choose to stop seeing me, nor did he choose to be in a relationship with this woman. If she hadn’t become pregnant in this unlikely one-off situation that I attribute to the general commitment-phobia, they would not be in a relationship at all. The commitment problems are not unique to me, they occurred with every single woman he had been with. Also, I never asked him for commitment. He insinuated that I would, as “every woman is trying to get married”, but I never tried to tie him down in any way, and said so many times. It just doesn’t add up as there were so many previous incidents. Like when we had a disagreement, and I told him why I was angry with him. In fact I was so angry I didn’t want to see him again. The next day, nothing happened. The day after that, he called me in the morning and I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to pick up the phone. When I did, he told me there was a house fire in his place last night and he couldn’t go back. There were many people he could have called, yet he chose to call me. He didn’t ask for shelter, but took it when I offered. In the aftermath after the fire we grew a lot closer. So I’m really wondering why there was a vibration all the time before, with him being the one seeking me out from the start and not the other way around (though in the very beginning he didn’t think I would like him, and was astonished and pleased when he found out), him returning in the most unlikely circumstances, him contacting me after I first used LOA within a few weeks without me doing anything… it just doesn’t match with the unwanted fatherhood/relationship. If it was meant to end and if it didn’t match, there were several opportunities for this to happen before and I didn’t go round seeking him then. He was the one always coming back.

Melody Fletcher September 3, 2012 at 21:12

Hey Sonja,

You may not have pushed physically, but you are doing so vibrationally. Otherwise, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. You think about him, focus on him, and ultimately have associated him with something that you want.

He is mirroring your vibration back to you. He kept coming back because you wanted him to and he was a match to that. But he’s also a match to the fear. Of course his commitment phobia surfaced with other people. But there’s a reason that a person with this quality is in your experience and at a time in his life where he has not yet overcome this fear. You’re not making him afraid, but if you and he were not a match on that level, you would not be experiencing this side of him (or him, at all…)

It doesn’t matter who sought out whom first. Your vibration attracted him and his attracted you. Don’t focus so much on the action, focus more on the feeling. What does it feel like when you think of him? I’m betting there are a lot of contradictory feelings there, some of which you may not even be aware of.

I stand by my advice. Let him go from your mind and figure out what you actually want. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody

Kate September 4, 2012 at 03:21

Wow. This is close to the situation I went through/am still going through w/ my commitment-phobic ex. We broke up 7 months ago and I’m pretty much over it, but I still keep irrationally feeling like he will be in my life in the future and that we are not done with each other. (Haven’t seen or spoken to him since the day we broke up but I have been keeping tabs on him through friends and evil Facebook.) I’ve been seeing someone else (casually) in another city, and while I appreciate Other Guy, he’s SO NOT the first guy.

ANYWAY, it’s been bugging me that I haven’t been able to let the first guy go, but this post makes me realize that I am still hung up on him because I still have a LOT more work to do in getting over MY commitment fears.

Anyway, sorry this is off-topic, I just wanted to thank you and say that’s why I love this blog – I always find something valuable even if the post is about something I *think* I’m not interested in :)

Kate

Kat September 3, 2012 at 18:56

Hey Melody,

This comes to mind here: when you do not focus on something anymore and forget about it. I have found that, in the past, when I forgot about guys, they always came back after a period of time. Most of the time I had moved on and it did not matter, they would still fight to rekindle something.

This phenomenon goes for eveything, it just fits well here, I think. When you relieve your focus on something, things start happening.

Melody Fletcher September 3, 2012 at 21:13

Exactly Kat. We always think that we have to make things happen. There’s something we have to do. But the main key is to allow it to happen, and try to control as little of that process as possible. Easier said than done, of course, lol.

Huge hugs!
Melody

Kat September 3, 2012 at 22:19

Hey! Thanks for this!

I found this quote by Pramahansa Yogananda that is so worth sharing. He always believed and taught in things felt, not thought and pointed out this vice of the western world, i.e., looking outside yourself.

“Don’t identify yourself with either outward success or with outward failure. The more you concentrate not on things, but on mental attitude, the sooner you will discover that failure can be transformed to success by a steadily positive attitude toward anything that happens.”

Kat September 3, 2012 at 22:21

Nay,

I hope you read this. It clarifies some stuff.

Nay September 4, 2012 at 00:32

Kat,

That you think of me in this, and how well it hits the mark is just amazing. (A few sniffles here :) )

I identify with my feelings, a lot. And I deemed my sadness as a failure and so the outside world was a failure too. Not that I do bad in the outside world. I’m amazingly competent, but it never meant anything or made me feel better about me. I couldn’t be happy, even though the outside world wasn’t bad. I felt like a failure inside, while I did just fine in the outside world. So contradictory to me. Which is probably what makes it hard to change at times. It’s ALL inside for me. But the outside was beginning to reflect my inner turmoil as time passed.

I was sad, knew it, even while the outside was usually fine, and nothing changed how I felt. So I was a failure, and the outside world was just wrong. Just like in the post Meldoy wrote for my question, I had all the ‘things’ and still was not happy.

This quote puts the truth where I was missing it; my mental attitude. I focused on my feelings, but couldn’t seem to change my attitude, even when outside was usually ok. A proper understanding of the tools was missing!

It’s still hard at times to ignore all the things and outside actions. But when I see the change in how I feel about the outside world, I find that my desire to get better at my attitude is much stronger!

Thanks Kat! :D

Kat September 4, 2012 at 03:09

Nay,

I hear you and feel you sister and I also have tears in my eyes.

I found that just appreciating what you see around you is a good way to begin dissipating all that stuff. Just whisper it to yourself. Later on you will begin feeling it, etc. You have a wonderful kid, for starters. Mine is not even ready to join us down here quite yet.

My husband just told me that he is now slowly getting over the ivf attempt of last month. Still, I am appreciative of getting that far, because during that process, we both experienced exhileration- I on the day of egg retrieval and he during the embryo transfer. (I apologize in advance if this is too graphic, but it is a fact of life and kind of how a lot of women go about it nowadays).

I know exactly what you feel because I feel the same, but I am getting myself out of that tangled, sticky web I had cast upon myself because there is no reason to cast it in the first place. :-)

Kat September 4, 2012 at 03:20

And Nay, I just found this other quote that may fit well here too:

“It Always Seems Impossible Until it’s All Done.” ~Nelson Mandela

Nay September 4, 2012 at 04:33

Kat,

You make my heart squeeze. And nothing you could say about babies, and all the wonderful ways they can come into this world could be ‘too graphic.’ I have known quite a few women who have used ivf. Sorry to say I was never very close to any of them, but I know a bit about the process. One friend ended up with triplets, and the funny part is, they and my son look they could be related. Amazing world huh?

In my heart, I will pray and envision your child joining you soon! You already have all the love! Children have a way of coming to us in the most amazing and least expected ways and times. As the quote you added so wonderfully shows, nothing is impossible, ever.

Like how I’m finding people on this post who say more to me than many people I have known in my life. People that can hear me and give me so much with their simple words, like you do regularly! All I can say is thank God I have brought up my vibrations enough to bring you in.

And normally I’m not a mushy person at all!!! Really. Emotional, yes, mushy, not so much. But you touch me some how… I think I’ll just appreciate it and send you all the blessing that I can, because I feel you’ve blessed me. :)

Kat September 4, 2012 at 05:07

That is just awesome, as are you! Thank you sister.

I will pray for you. That is another topic for discussion- proper prayer. It is not supposed to be from a place if desperation or neediness, but a place of pure feeling, desire and faith along with expressions of what is bothering you. Kind of like the letter to the universe Melody write about so well.

I’ve got your back!

nupur September 3, 2012 at 16:38

i really love your posts..they have become my inspiration source now..! I have kept them starred in my inbox…and whenever i need guidance they are their..!!
Its really good post…and i feel i should have received this before..!! But Melody their are some situations in life…especially with your near ones…when you need to take a stand..!! tell them..that stop….cant take it anymore man…!

can you give me link about how to go back and release resistance so “negative” events don’t occur again…! I really need it…!! Thanks and love..! you are a blessing..!!

Melody Fletcher September 3, 2012 at 21:04

Hey Nupur,

Absolutely, there are times when you should stand up for yourself. But hwen someone is screaming at you, they won’t hear a word you say. So you have to diffuse the situation first, if you want to have an constructive dialog. This is why I keep stressing that this post is about immediate relief, not long term solutions.

I think this post illustrates my point nicely. I’ll do more in the future, though. :)
http://www.deliberateblog.com/2011/03/29/why-being-around-your-family-turns-you-into-a-16-year-old

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Emergency LOA: What To Do When The Sh*t Is Hitting The FanMy Profile

Kimbundance September 3, 2012 at 22:19

Yes Melody
This is exactly what I tell people when they aren’t being nice to other people. THey just have to start stop being a doormat and just enhance their own vibration so they can move along nicer. Huge hugs@
Kimbundance invites you to read..Lessons From the May I Be Frank ScreeningMy Profile

Melody Fletcher September 4, 2012 at 17:27

Hey Kim,

Absolutely. It all starts with us. Of course, until you have some practice at that, it’s a lot easier said than done, eh? :lol:

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..How My Teeth Tried To Kill Me And Why I’m Glad They DidMy Profile

s September 4, 2012 at 06:34

Hey melody..this blog htht u have here is more like a study of human psychology than anything else…and I LOVE this blog of yours ! And I love how u reply to evry comment so freely, no atter how small or generic it might be :) I always come here when I need some clarity about meself ! Nd. About th world around me too, of course.

Melody Fletcher September 4, 2012 at 17:29

Hey S,

It is a study of what drives us, yes. Psychology is another way to do that. :) I find that LOA makes sense of why we do what we do, so that we can change the core motivator and do what we actually want to do. We can try to do that with behavior modification, but it’s so much more effective to just change the root of it all and let the different behavior come naturally.

Thanks so much for your kind words. I love connecting with people here and I think the interaction in the comments adds a lot of value to the blog. So, thank YOU for being here. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody

Adriana Guidi June 4, 2013 at 05:51

Hi Melody, looking through your older postings,I finally found the ones where you talk about the bombings,shootings,etc…they really helped quite a lot :) What I also wanted to ask about too ..the various severe storms,tornadoes the Midwest has been having…if people are in a good feeling place..always wanting to attract the best experiences..how can they(we) avoid some of the awful effects ..I guess that’s the phrase ..how can we attract more safety especially for our family and animal companions….would meditations..appreciation…mantras..wouldn’t they help? (I do those every morning).
Thanks again Melody! Oh and I loved your post on not worrying about how you word what you want to manifest!! My boyfriend loved that one too..he’s all “see and you didn’t believe me”..lol well I tend to obsess over things like that..worrying about words..

Melody Fletcher June 5, 2013 at 12:49

Hey Adriana,

Natural disasters are no different from “man-made” ones. You still attract each and every experience you have into your reality. If you keep your own vibration high, you won’t experience negative things. Now, you might experience a natural disaster, but not in a traumatic way, for you. You could get the impulse to go on a trip just before it hits. Or you could be in an area of town that isn’t affected (not everyone’s house was destroyed by the storms). You could find yourself joyously helping others, uplifting them and helping them get their hope back. Your experience is your reality, and you don’t have to let those around you affect it. So, even if you were in the most negative community in the world (and mind you, disasters are not attracted my negativity so much as fear), and feel strong and solid and happy, and you would never be a part of their drama and trauma. I hope that makes sense.

Huge hugs!

Melody

Adriana Guidi June 6, 2013 at 04:02

Oh thank you Melody!!! That helps tremendously! :) Very grateful once again for your postings! Hugs to you as well.
Adriana

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