How Can I Help My Depressed and Struggling Friend?

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by Melody Fletcher on August 12, 2012

 

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Awesome Dudette asks, “In the past few months I’ve become close with another mama who is going through one of the darkest times of her life – her husband left her, her sister committed suicide, she had a mini-breakdown, and now her husband has her daughters. It is a mother’s nightmare. She doesn’t have a huge support system. I really see a beautiful person in her even though her life circumstances are so terrible right now. I can also see many, MANY choices she has made that have led her to this point.

My struggle is to support and love her the best I can without becoming to entwined and depressed myself. The past few weeks have been rough and I am devoting a lot of time and energy to her. I want to do it, but I am feeling drained and depressed more than I would like. I’m trying to remember that it is her life and also that me being down won’t help the situation.

What are your thoughts on situations like this? I’ve heard a lot about cutting people out of your life who are negative influences, but this seems different. She *needs* love, support, and help… also, like I said, I just see such a beautiful spirit in her I really believe she is a good person with the ability to have an amazing life.

How can I struggle less with this and also do what is right?”

In the posts Helping Those Who Don’t Want to Be Helped and Dear LOA: How Can I Make My Miserable Friend Happy?, I explained that we don’t get to decide when or even if we can help another person and that we shouldn’t ever see helping others as an obligation. Let’s apply some of these concepts to this specific situation:

You may not be able to help her

First of all, consider the fact that you may not be able to make her feel better. This woman is grieving, which takes as long as it takes. No one gets to set the schedule for anyone else’s grief or recovery. She has lost her husband, her children and her sister. The world no longer makes sense to her. You’re right when you say that she’s going through a dark time. And while it’s natural for you to want to help her, the first thing you have to realize is that there’s the very real possibility that you won’t be able to.

This doesn’t mean that she may never feel better, it simply means that you have to give up the idea that it MUST come about because of something that YOU did.

What is your goal?

Ask yourself this: What is it that you’re actually hoping to accomplish? You’ve tied how you feel to a certain outcome and you’re doing your best to make that outcome happen. In this case, I’d say that your goal is for her to feel better. Only this is something that you absolutely can’t control (you can’t force her to feel better), and therefore, if you tie how YOU feel to how SHE feels, you’re always going to be losing a battle. That’s a bit like saying that you’ll be happy only if you win the lottery. Sure, you can buy a ticket, but you can’t really control if you’ll win or not. It makes very little sense to tie our happiness to something we can’t control, although, of course, we do it all the time.

This is why you feel so drained – you are trying to MAKE her feel better. You’re jumping through hoops and doing all you can, only she’s not smiling yet or even feeling any kind of relief (damn her!). You’re fighting a losing battle, one that you were never going to be able to win.

Only, it doesn’t have to be this way. You can choose to strive for a different goal.

Choose a goal that’s actually attainable

So, what could you choose as a goal instead? If it’s not up to you to make her feel better (you have no obligation here), if you may not even be able to help her, and if you have no control over whether or not she actually recovers, then what the heck could you strive for that would allow you to feel good?

Simply walking away is always an option, but that doesn’t feel good to you. So that’s not the best possible outcome here.

And while you love the idea of her feeling better, we’ve already established that you can’t control that, so that’s out.

The outcome you want to strive for lies somewhere between these two extremes.

The middle ground

You don’t want to walk away, but you don’t want her misery sucking the life out of you, either. It’s time to find a middle ground.

My advice here would be to simply be there for her, while maintaining your own vibration in as high a state as possible. Just spend time with her, shine your light on her. Let her be influenced by your energy. That’s really all you can do, but it’s more than enough. Here’s why:

  • You’ve clearly set a strong intention to help others. As long as you don’t get in the way by trying to make the helping happen, the Law of Attraction will match you up with those who can be helped by you. This means, that if there’s any chance that your friend will benefit from your assistance, LOA will arrange the circumstances that can make that happen – IF you don’t go charging in there trying to run the show. In other words, the more you allow the natural flow and timing of things, the more likely it is that you will help her when she’s ready for it.
  • As you know, you can’t be of help to anyone if your own vibration has tanked. The main reason this is happening is because you’ve tied how you feel to how she feels, as I’ve already explained. So, the best possible way for you to keep your vibration high, is to be content to simply be there for her, while feeling good. This is something you can control (you can control your own emotions, or you can choose not to be around her when you’re not feeling great), and so it’ll be easier for you to maintain your high vibration.
  • Sooner or later she will have to react to your vibration. She will either raise hers up, or she’ll have to get away from you. The less you push, the more gentle this process is and the more likely it is that she’ll raise her vibration. Think of the last time you were pissed off and someone told you to cheer up. Didn’t you just want to smack them? If that same person had just continued to have a good time (instead of asking you to change your mood so they could feel better), you would’ve probably ended up calming down and then joining them at some point. But having a cheery person point out to you how NOT cheery you are in that moment, just makes you aware of your emotional state even more and then causes you to blame them for it. Don’t be that cheery, well meaning but supremely annoying person. Let her react to your vibration when she’s good and ready.

You don’t have to DO anything

You’ve been focusing WAY too much on action – what can you do cheer her up? Where can you take her? What can you say? How should you act? When in fact, there’s nothing you have to do, at all. Your friend will benefit more from you silently sitting next to her while maintaining a happy, shiny vibration, than from you twisting yourself into double knots to try and cheer her up.

If you relax and take the pressure off yourself and are just content to sit with her, you’ll be inspired to say the right thing at the right time. If you don’t feel inspired, then the time is not right and you don’t have to say anything. Even if she’s in pain. Even if she’s crying. In fact, especially then. When someone is in that much pain, there is literally nothing that anyone can SAY or DO that will make them feel better.

But, you can show her that she’s not alone. That someone cares. You can hug her and hold her and sit with her. And you can secretly hold your own vibration in a high and steady place.

Focus on Who She Really Is

The beautiful spirit you see in her is always there. That’s not the potential that she could someday live up to if only she got over her problems. That’s Who She Really Is. Right now. So focus all of your attention on that part of her. Know that this is who she is and that she doesn’t really need your help. She’s fine. She may not know this right now, but you can know it for her. She won’t be ok. She IS ok.

There’s nothing worse than when you’re hurting and having someone look at you as though you’re broken. There is no power in that. But when you’re hurting and someone believes in you and looks at you as though they know that you’re going to be fine and that you’re strong enough to make it, it gives you strength. When someone has faith in you, it’s easier to have faith in yourself.

So, that’s the gift you can give her. You can be there for her and shine your light on her and feel good while doing that. And that should be your goal – NOT how SHE feels. Let her find her way in her own time. That’s not up to you. Just be content to shine. It’s really all you can do, but again, it’s more than enough.

Time for you to share your thoughts! I look forward to your comments below! :)

 

{ 29 comments }

Mary Carol Moran August 12, 2012 at 14:45

Beautiful, Melody! You’ve said it all. Thank you for starting Sunday with such a joyful message.

Huge hugs,

Mary Carol
Mary Carol Moran invites you to read..Random QuestionsMy Profile

Melody Fletcher August 12, 2012 at 22:32

Thanks so much Mary Carol! Happy Sunday to you, too!

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Quick LOA Questions Volume 6 – Visualizing and ManifestingMy Profile

Kat August 12, 2012 at 16:00

Great post to read first thing Sunday morning!

Awesome Dudette’s friend IS ok. Just out of the vortex at this time. She will find her way back in at her own pace and time. For Dudette, maintaining a high vibration is most important and shining is more than enough. Love it! Thank you, Melody!

Melody Fletcher August 12, 2012 at 22:33

You’re so welcome Kat. You’ve totally got it. Isn’t it nice to remember it, though? :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Questions About AngerMy Profile

Trent August 13, 2012 at 03:14

Okay, okay this madness has to stop. No more pussy footing around. No more trying to sound all la-la and “polite”

Melody, First of all great post and all that. Nice you didn’t recommend cutting off from a person that lost a sister to death and her family. What an absolutely devastating experience. Her husband and children is what she needs to support her loss of a sister.
She must be incredibly lonely.
No use focusing on her pain and making it worse. Suggestions to stick by her is fantastic.

However, I need to be the voice of reason here. It’s all well and good for all you happy shiney puppies in the comments and general feel of the blog can say comments that are frankly off with the fairies.
“she’s away from the VORTEX” VORTEX????!!!! Try losing your family and then start talking about being away from a vortex.
Why are we even talking about Vortexes???

Come on people! This is plain irresponsible! Get a grip!

ANYONE can sound wise and OK when not in a problem themselves. Have some compassion.
“Don’t be that cheery, well meaning but supremely annoying person. Let her react to your vibration when she’s good and ready.”-truer words never spoken.
Emphasis on the SUPREMELY ANNOYING.

Attention happy shiny puppies: Just because YOUR problems are solved/manageable doesn’t mean everyone else is just fine. There was once a time when you were in agonizing pain. This kind of reaction about the person being FINE and VORTEXES and just clap our hands and skip… is maddening, rude and heartless.
Pretending the person is fine does not help them. Looking for at the solutions and being of comfort does.

LOA is NOT an excuse to dust our hands of real life problems. This type of treatment will just bite you in the butt anyway when someone YOU care about passes away and people say:”you’re just fine”

There are certain situations where people need REAL, SOLID HELP. Dudette is doing a great job of being a rock of a friend.
She sounds like a great human being.

What are we aiming for here?

To be so “enlightened” that soon even death of a love one won’t matter?

That would make a mockery of being human and happy in the first place. If we can be FINE when our entire family is ripped away…
What is the value of human connection?

So keep pulling out that resistance and NORMAL reactions to real, heart-wrenching situations and see how human you’ll be then.

Befriend a bunch of hard-core LOA followers and when you are gang raped in a ditch, homeless and everyone you love is dead you can sit there being told you are FINE. Not get any help. Because remember you are FINE.

This blog is great, keep up the good work of encouraging the people that want to help others, not just ignore those in true need.

I WILL NOT apologise to anyone this comment offends. It had to be said. It think they miss the point Melody makes. This thinking is dangerous to the entire notion of what it is to be a human being.
LOA can also push us to take practical, solid action that involves directly helping another.

The only thing I disagree with Melody– “we don’t choose who we help” …Who will help those that we deem out of our way?
Someone else?
Sometimes that “someone else” doesn’t come. They are in your face for a reason. At least try.

Melody please address this worrisome trend of people taking LOA as an excuse not to help others and throw true humanity in the bin.

Melody Fletcher August 13, 2012 at 16:37

Hi Trent,

You are always welcome to express your ideas here and I have no problem if you disagree with me. But I have to ask you to please be respectful towards all others who comment. This is a safe place where people can exchange their points of view without judgement.

That said, I’m happy to address your questions.

Being in or out of “The Vortex” is terminology used by Abraham, whom many of my readers (including me) follow. It is not meant to trivialize someone’s pain, but meant to gain a perspective that allows for solutions. If it doesn’t work for you, by all means, don’t adopt it. But please allow others to do so (or barring that, please refrain from condemning them for it here).

I want to clear something up: While there are “hard core LOA followers” out there who will look at someone who has just gone through a tragedy and will tell them that they’re fine, I don’t condone that method. It’s counterproductive. It actually makes the person in pain feel worse. I agree with you on that. And I don’t condone saying those words to someone who is in pain. But what you say to that person and what you choose to do in your own head so that you can keep a solution oriented perspective are two different things.

If I am coaching someone in pain and I am focused on their pain, I can’t help them. If I acknowledge their pain without joining them in it, by knowing that Who They Really Are is absolutely fine, I can see solutions that they, perhaps, can’t.

It also has to be said that taking action alone can be counterproductive, as well. Just because you want to help someone doesn’t mean that you always can. I don’t believe that trying and making things worse is generally better than not trying at all.

There’s an assumption present here that if we adopt the stance that we may not be able to help everyone (which is really just acceptance) and align with the energy of Who People Really Are, that we’ll be walking through a sea of suffering victims while deliriously smiling and pretending that all is well. But that’s not the case at all. When you accept that you can’t control everything and you allow yourself to be inspired to help, then you line up with the solutions, you line up with people whom you can actually help and you are given loads of opportunities to do so, effectively.

Then, helping others is not an obligation. It’s not frustrating. It’s joyful. I don’t think it’s damaging to suggest that feeling good while helping others is more beneficial than feel bad while doing so.

Of course I don’t condone ignoring those in need. If they are in your reality, they are in your reality for a reason. I teach that you should shift your perspective of them and their pain to a POV that allows you to feel better, so that you can line up with solutions, rather than just adding to their pain. Those solutions may then include words or actions on your part, or not.

Also, yes. It would be great if we could get to the point where the death of a loved one no longer brought us pain. I don’t see this as disrespectful to life, at all. I see it as an acknowledgement of the eternity of both Who We Really Are and our relationships. They don’t end just because someone dies. Again, you don’t have to share this point of view. To me, accepting death (and having been witness to the energy shift that occurs upon death), this connects me much MORE deeply to compassion and love, not less.

Fear of death doesn’t equal reverence for life. Personally, as my fear of death (and the death of others) has decreased, my reverence and respect and love for life have only increased. Just because I’m not afraid to die doesn’t mean that I don’t want to live.

There are so many juicy topics in your comment and I’ve welcomed the chance to address them. I do wonder one thing, though. Why does it make you so angry when you hear what you consider to be a “hard core LOA-er”? Have you had experience with someone who used their understanding of LOA as an excuse to hurt another? Do you think we’re all like that? Or is it more likely that these kinds of people are reacting from their limited and possibly faulty understanding of what LOA is actually all about?

When we are truly aligned with Who We Really Are, nothing we do or say will damage another. I believe that to be true. It’s not about not caring anymore. It’s about caring without pain, something many people don’t think is possible. It is. :)

I’d love to continue our dialogue. I think you have an interesting and valuable perspective to share. Just like all the other readers here.

Until next time,

Huge hugs,
Melody
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Trent August 14, 2012 at 01:58

Hi Melody,

I understand. I’m not condemning a particular person–this just reminded me of a larger group the type of talking and thinking represents.
Now if I were doing that for the sake of being nasty, that would indeed be disrespectful and bullying.
I have a good reason, I’ll try to explain in my crazy way. I’m bringing an alternative perspective to a dire situation, not to forget the core situation of a woman in need.

There are some things I have no respect for. They fall under the same category as someone asking other to “respect” their choice to be “disrespectful” to others. All under the umbrella of people doing what they want and what feels right to them. That would be using judgement.
I’ve highlighted the point with an equally silly and immature statement.
I personally don’t have respect for dismissing the pain of others. I think humanity can do better than that.

As an extreme example, I don’t have respect for the “Holy Clan of Rapists- bringing shifts and enlightenment through rape.”

You see no matter how many new-aged words are used there are certain things that you cannot bring yourself to respect.
I’m aware of the Abraham terminology. Adding into the mix (like the example of using “Holy” doesn’t make for a compassionate choice.)

Just because something is LOA doesn’t make it Holy or the right thing to do.

It often sounds like LOA has it’s own Bible, terminology and cult following.

I have my reasons to being almost allergic to religious claptrap and LOA seemed like a compassionate, practical alternative.
Spiritual but not silly and full of dogma. Now when you start talking about lights and invisible rays/ swirls of rainbows into the escrow, it crosses the line into just another cult.
Now secretly (like a microwave) there may indeed be rays and lights- but that has nothing to do with making the food or in the case of this LOA topic- a grieving person.
I don’t want that (cult status of the purple wearing, crystal gazers chanting everything is fine) to happen to something which could be beneficial as a practical, psychological tool accessible to everyone.
It’s already got people putting it into the “laughable” box. What a waste of a valuable tool.

I got heated as a way to bring some reality into a very serious conversation about a woman that lost her entire family.

A vulnerable person that needs the type of love as described by Dudette.
I just felt that as a sane, loving human being with a REAL problem needs tangible help in this crisis.
What you said in the blog was great.

Shining puppy light of happiness is well and good— but not something you can do, dust your hands and walk away.

“I want to clear something up: While there are “hard core LOA followers” out there who will look at someone who has just gone through a tragedy and will tell them that they’re fine, I don’t condone that method. It’s counterproductive. It actually makes the person in pain feel worse. I agree with you on that. And I don’t condone saying those words to someone who is in pain.”

Great! However what I’m getting at is the LOA community in general can translate your words on “who we really are is always fine” = the physical person is always fine. This gives people in the LOA mentality more excuses.

That’s the equivalent of those that Pray and don’t bandage the bleeding limb. YOU personally say many times that you don’t advocate that.

What I’m getting at is you and other LOA teachers good intentions go to a very large, confused mass of people often desperate for answers.
People can read out of context to suit themselves.

Do you really want to be the face of a new-age cult with ideas very easily misconstrued for the further ignorance of society?

Would the younger you really have wanted to be in the same category of many other “religions”?
Be honest, that person would be sick.

I’m just trying to say that I see LOA as a positive thing getting warped into just another “feel, good, shallow ideal” that doesn’t get on a deep level and maybe just another cult.
That would be a sad ending to a potential evolution in human thought.

Two sentences that really stuck out:
“Also, yes. It would be great if we could get to the point where the death of a loved one no longer brought us pain.”

Can you really not see how this is exactly the loss of a grip on reality and humanity I am talking about??

“I think you have an interesting and valuable perspective to share. Just like all the other readers here.”

If you love/respect EVERYBODY what value is there to the INDIVIDUAL?

What does your love or respect really worth or those hugs if you give them freely to EVERYONE.

That takes away the depth and value of intense relationships between two lovers as opposed to someone that just loves the whole world no matter what it does.

I find both those sentences really mock what being a real person is, not a floating cloud or entity that represents everyone.

Melody Fletcher August 14, 2012 at 22:52

Hey Trent,

Since we seem to agree on so much, let me just address the disagreements. :)

I pretty much already explained why I don’t feel that not being afraid of death anymore doesn’t take away from honoring life (quite the opposite for me) in the last comment. I don’t agree that statements such as those make a mockery out of what it is to be human. I think they enhance it, but I’m ok if we don’t agree on that. How is not being in as much pain over an inevitable part of all of our lives that we can’t control a bad thing? I’m not advocating going out and killing people… I’m not saying life doesn’t matter. I teach that death is not the end. I love how Eastern Philosophies honor life and death, celebrate life AND death, and experience the whole transition of death in a much more peaceful way. Do they grieve? Of course they do. But their beliefs make it easier to recover and get back to life. What’s so wrong about that?

If I love and respect everyone, I am not taking value away from the individual. Do you need to me more special than someone else to be special? I don’t think so. In fact, by opening myself up to see the value and beauty in everyone, I see MORE of their value and beauty than I ever did, not just collectively, but in each person. People have become MORE special to me.

What is my love worth? Well, to me, love is worth everything. And the more I give it, the more I feel it. So, by giving it freely to everyone, I feel MORE love than if I restricted to those who I deemed to be worthy of it.

What’s it worth to you? Well, I can’t really control that. But I think it’s kind of sad when someone values the love they receive more if it comes from someone who is unable to love unless the person they love meets all their criteria. How easy is it then to lose the love of a person like that? One mistake, and no more love. It’s a conditional love. That doesn’t feel good to me. BTW, I’m not saying you’re sad, I’m talking about the concept.

And finally, to your first point – I cannot control how people will use what I teach and neither can anyone else. Jesus certainly couldn’t. His message was one of love, and it’s been used as an excuse to kill and torture countless people. Does that mean that he should’ve just maybe never taught any of it? Anything can be twisted or misconstrued. If someone resonates with what I teach, great. If I see them twisting it, I will step in. If they misquote me, I will step in and do my best to correct the misunderstanding. But I cannot possibly preempt all possible ways in which someone might misuse what I’m saying.

I get that there are people out there who use LOA (and Christianity and Islam and Judaism, etc.) as an excuse to further their rather unenlightened views. But so what? I don’t see them as representative of LOA, just as I don’t see a terrorist as representative of all Muslims, or people who blow up abortion clinics as representative of all Christians. and if LOA really does end up looking like a cult of nutjobs one day, I will simply relabel what I teach and I don’t think I’d have much of a problem with that. Those who are ready for the core message will always year it. Those who aren’t, won’t, no matter how clearly you state it.

I have a lot of faith in my readership. I haven’t really met any nut jobs here, only earnest seekers and thinkers who are doing their best to live a happy, compassionate, loving life. :)

Sending you huge hugs!
Melody
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Trent August 15, 2012 at 03:06

Melody,

Are you polyamorous?< notice the question mark.

If so, how does your partner feel about you sharing yourself with multiple people?

There's a difference between a person that is monogamous (me) with a person that has that "sad" conditional love.

It's more about exclusiveness and rare beauty. A diamond is not a diamond if it were like concrete found everywhere laying all over the pavement.
Things mean so much more when that person saves that beauty for the one they truly love–not just hand it out until it losses all meaning.

A person may have unconditional love for one very special individual. That individual might change over time, they may not even return that love-but it's still there.
So because I choose to value a person that showed my love and trust as an individual.
You say this:

"What is my love worth? Well, to me, love is worth everything. And the more I give it, the more I feel it. So, by giving it freely to everyone, I feel MORE love than if I restricted to those who I deemed to be worthy of it.

What’s it worth to you? Well, I can’t really control that. But I think it’s kind of sad when someone values the love they receive more if it comes from someone who is unable to love unless the person they love meets all their criteria. How easy is it then to lose the love of a person like that? One mistake, and no more love."

You have gone ten steps further than I have in the questioning of love.

This from the more enlightened /mature/teacher/leader by example) person in the conversation is quite shocking.

"one mistake and no more love" what a sweeping assumption. You didn't even bother to word it as a question, like I have for you.

You assume I use conditions on my love. "deem worthy" What a disgusting description of love.

You have no idea. I obviously struck a nerve with you to pull such a sucker punch.
My First question should mirror to you this.

Nay August 15, 2012 at 09:09

Hi Trent and Melody,

This conversation is so tense and frustrating. I find the whole issue of love to be very difficult and yet so powerful. I think the best word to put with love is ‘limitless’, because even conditional love can be limitless.

I have been on the end of what I considered conditional love, and it was very painful. And it has effected my life ever since. But I also know that much of what I experienced was my interpretation of how they treated me, and not a reflection on their love for me. It didn’t make it less painful, but that’s what LOA is all about. Getting beyond the pain. And I don’t mean ignoring that pain. I mean realizing it is there but not dwelling in that pain longer than necessary.

How we each grieve is so individual. For me, I don’t want anybody around me, and I don’t want anybody to help me, and I don’t want anybody to try to cheer me up either. I want to go through my feelings and deal with them alone. Has this always been best? I doubt it, because I do wallow quite well. But if someone was trying to help me when I didn’t want it, they would just annoy the hell out of me.

But I also am not good at helping others with their pain. I am one that you would very much dislike Trent. There are many situations where I don’t know how to help others, and so avoid getting involved. This doesn’t mean I leave someone helpless and undefended in a situation where no one else was there to help. But I’m not good at the long term help. Many times when I have tried to help, I find myself falling into deep despair with an individual. And I always seem to make them feel worse when I try to help. I don’t have the right frame of mind for that kind of help. Or that’s what I’ve told myself in the past. And I stopped stepping in to help some people long before learning about LOA.

And yeah, I felt guilty! I would love to be the type of person who knows just what to do and say in a such a horrible situation. So this is where I was the person who, I guess, turned a blind eye. But as you said Trent, we can’t all turn a blind eye, but I do pick and choose, because I can’t help everyone, and in some situations, I am no help at all. And Duddette’s friends situation would be one of them. Because her whole life has fallen apart, and I would be the type to just fall down beside her, with nothing useful to give or say. And who knows, some people might appreciate someone right there next to them, in the exact same frame of mind. But I truly think being emotionally distraught while trying to help someone else in that situation would just breed more despair.

But with that in mind, understand that with my family, I try to make sure I am there to help. To me, that is my responsibility and I can’t just ignore it. I just don’t feel I’m very good at it. But I am working on it, because now I see a better way to approach this type of thing. And I truly doubt most people will use LOA and the way Melody has presented this as an excuse to ignore problems. But there is always a minority who will use what’s taught to go their own way, right or wrong.

For me, what I’m learning here has helped me see that I’m looking at many situations wrong and need to change my point of view. And the more I do this, the easier it is getting to see a situation, and not be so uncomfortable about it that I become useless. And most of that is because I am learning to feel better, more often than not. Which makes it harder for others to effect my feelings and mood so drastically.

What I see as useful is that Melody has tried to make sure that Duddette doesn’t take her friends happiness and well being as her responsibility to the point that she will feel despondent/responsible if her friend doesn’t start to feel better, or even worse, started to resent her help and possible got worse.

I guess what I get out of this is you can be there to support and help, but you cannot be responsible for another person’s feelings. You can’t make people feel how you want them to. The only person responsible for how you feel is, you. Which does not take away from being effected by outside forces and circumstances! Duddette can be there and support her friend through this horrible time, but she won’t be the one who makes everything better. That will come with time and this woman working through her feelings. And hopefully, Duddette’s help will make a tremendous difference in that process, but Duddette cannot hold herself responsible for making everything better for her friend.

And you said:
‘It’s more about exclusiveness and rare beauty. A diamond is not a diamond if it were like concrete found everywhere laying all over the pavement.
Things mean so much more when that person saves that beauty for the one they truly love–not just hand it out until it losses all meaning.’

I want to agree, but find I can’t. I think cause I look at it like this. God shares the sunrise and sunset with all who see it. That it’s shared with all dfoes not make it any less precious. I don’t think love ever loses all it’s meaning, no matter how wide spread it is. It’s just not possible. There are so many ways to love, and none is better than another. They are just different. I can love every person I meet, but it just won’t be in the same way I love my family, my spouse, my children. But that doesn’t take away from that love, no matter what form it is given.

What something means to someone is as individual as they are. And I guess I deem certain people worthy of a certain type of love, while others will be deemed worthy of another type of love. But it’s all love. And I deem all worthy of my love. But I wouldn’t want them thinking it would be the same as what I share with my family. And I truly hope others deem me worthy of love also, even if they are a person I just met.

So how do you see what I say here Trent? Do you think that I am using LOA to turn a blind eye? I can put this question to myself and wonder. Because before I even knew about LOA, my excuse was that I just can’t handle those kinds of situations. And sometimes I see it as an excuse, and other times I see it as the only way I know to handle something like that.

Very curious! And thank you for being so passionate. I hope you can find all the good in LOA even though some people do find other ways to use it beyond it’s intended use.

Trent August 16, 2012 at 04:01

Hello Nay,

If you see my latest reply to Melody I address the issue of love.

You yourself said more than Melody about the different “categories” of love (romantic, family friendship)

This is what I was saying all along. Those are conditions. I’m sure your spouse is a particular person and not just a random human being!

Therefore, you don’t really love everyone equally and unconditionally. This is the thoughts of “spiritual” people that think they have evolved and are above other human “limitations”
They have transcended this and that. But in reality they have not.

As for everything else. I have nothing to add. I’ve been misunderstood by you on many, many things if you think I did not agree with the sound advice in Melodys’ blog.

I think the comment made by Christina was the perfect addition to the blog. It covered the physical actions we can take.
The two together make a fantastic answer.

I am talking about those that are not there at all, thinking their mental light/puppy/sunshine shining onto a broken person is helping and feel proud of themselves.
They could just graciously admit they are not in the position to help and not sit there smugly sending mental rays at the person and consider this help.

I have a close friend in a situation where I cannot help them. I admit this and do not say I am shining stuff at them and feel great for all the hard work I am not doing.
I admit I have done no action to assist. When I can assist I assist with all my effort.
But never, ever claim to use LOA or mental powers or prayer and then pat myself on the back for my invisible help.
Even if I believed it was of help, this is something to keep to yourself. Sitting on the couch shining brain waves doesn’t take much effort!

As for helping– I have not had anyone help me when I needed help. So your assumption that I would not like you (assumptions like this are quite irritating as they put me in the asshole category of person that just doesn’t like others)
is false.
I think a person that bothers to help in the first place is someone to be valued. Any action is better than nothing.

If you were to meditate or pray for me–those good intentions would be incredibly sweet. :-)

You may have to consider that a person sometimes cannot do what they have never been shown.
That a person has thorns around themselves for a reason.
And that you cannot judge a book by its cover.

I’m glad you liked the passion, I feel that responsibility even if I have to play Devils’ Advocate and be disliked so be it. Principles are important.

Melody Fletcher August 16, 2012 at 01:02

Hey Trent,

Well, for me, sex and love are not the same thing. I can love many, many people and not choose to have sex with them. Could I love more than one person romantically at the same time? I don’t know. In theory yes, but it’s not happened. Never say never, though, eh?

I don’t agree that a diamond is not a diamond if there are many of them. I don’t agree that beauty is a product of exclusivity. That’s a belief that’s wide spread in our society, but it’s one I’m choosing to no longer share. I think beauty is whatever you perceive it to be. Again, this is my own point of view, and I’m in no way telling you what to believe.

I’m sorry you took my exploration of the concept of conditional love personally. It wasn’t meant to be. I like to take apart beliefs and evaluate them. Conditional love is love that depends on certain conditions. We must deem a person lovable in order to love them. It depends on the actions or characteristics of the other person. Unconditional love depends on no one but us. We can choose to love, even if the other person isn’t lovable. I prefer to choose unconditional love as much as possible. It feels good to love and I realized that making that feeling contingent on any other person didn’t make sense to me. It meant giving the power over how I felt to them. That’s what I was trying to say.

You’re right. I don’t have any idea what your personal relationships are like, nor would I ever attack them. For me, this was a philosophical discussion. It wasn’t meant to try and convince you of anything – but simply an exchange of views, one which I actually enjoyed immensely while it lasted.

Hugs,
Melody
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Trent August 16, 2012 at 03:40

So are talking about different types of love.

You mention “romantic” love and that is the love I was talking about all along.
You may think you love everyone but the romantic love is saved for someone special.
In this way you are using conditions. You don’t realise it because you think conditions are above you.

But I am certain that the man or woman that has your heart is a special individual.
One that matches your vibration etc etc And that “vibrational match” is a criteria nevertheless.

If you could love with no criteria or conditions… that is BS as that would mean you could be romantically involved with me simply because I am human.

Now we all know that isn’t true.

You think you are talking about a different thing– but what you said there was the same thing.
You just need to be honest that you have not surpassed conditions.

If your lover bashed you–I’m sure you wouldn’t tolerate this. That’s an obvious condition.

If they changed vibrationally that may also be a condition that you’d “hover” away from each other.

Otherwise you would be with the same person until the end of time.

Melody Fletcher August 16, 2012 at 22:16

Hey Trent,

I don’t actually think that conditions are above me. I just do my best to release them. To me, romantic love is a type of love. But love is still love. I don’t (again, this is me) choose my romantic partners because they look good on paper or because I think they’re special enough. I choose them by who my body and soul react to.

Does that person really become more special because I now view them in this way? Or were they special all along? And isn’t everyone special in their own way? I don’t see preferences and vibrational matches as conditional.

Would I stay with someone if he beat me? I can tell you, unequivocally that no, I would not. I don’t believe that I would let it get to that point anymore, though (I do have some experience in this area). But let’s say a guy turned into a real a-hole. Would I stay? No. I can love someone and not be with them. My staying is conditional, yes. If I’m unable to hold my vibration and therefore attract only the behavior that I want around a person or place, I will remove myself. Feeling good is the highest priority. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t love them anymore. Love, for me, is MY emotion. It doesn’t have to depend on them. And it feels better for me to be in the emotion of love than not.

And that’s the whole point for me: Love is not dependent on whether or not I stay, or what they do, or who they even are. I can send love to anyone, and bask in that emotion. I don’t see romantic love differently, only that it requires us to match up on more points, energetically. If I find a way to simply allow that (and that’s not easy), it becomes unconditional. That’s when the deepest most wonderful connections happen.

I don’t think that we disagree all that much, really. I think we’ve just been sort of talking past each other. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Christina August 13, 2012 at 18:05

I think Melody did well in helping to meet her emotional needs. She is grieving and will need to cry and hurt and be angry. She’ll be going through a lot of different emotions and her moods will go up and down.

I’m going to offer some more practical things you may be able to help her with, just a few things in the background that others may not think about.

Keep food in the house. Simple stuff – eggs, bread, milk, cereal, peanut butter, some microwaved meals or pre-cooked meats, soups. Stay healthy as much as possible, but she needs things she can cook on limited brain power. She’s not going to eat a lot right now. Don’t force meals, but try to get her to eat something. Soup and sandwiches, cereal, easy things are best.

Rest. It’s important that she gets the sleep she needs. Nighttime is the worst time to be alone. Do you have any other friends? Can you take turns being in an alert circle for her so that if she needs to talk at 3am someone can talk to her? Melatonin 3 is also a great herbal supplement and can help her rest and relax.

Does she have a job? She may be able to request family leave for a while. If she can’t, she needs to go to her boss and discuss everything going on, as much as she can. They need to know, and will be more willing to cut her slack if she needs to take time off for legal issues or just to have a crying jag in the bathroom. There will come a point where the boss will have enough, so having some leave time at this early point will help her hold on while at work. Her employer or health insurance may also have mental health benefits she’s not aware of. Speaking to a counselor could help her as well.

Help with paying bills, running errands, repairs, phone calls. She just may not have the energy to do or remember these things. She may also have paperwork to complete regarding the split from her husband and children or from her sister’s death. Being there to help with the emotional impact of the legalities would mean a lot, as well as help in locating information and completing the paperwork.

Get her out of the house. You don’t have to DO anything, just walk around the block or go to a park or museum. Help her clean the house. Open the windows, dust, help with the dishes.

She may be dependent on you or some other friends for a while. This will pass. Just being there will mean a lot.

((Hugs)) to you and your friend.
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Melody Fletcher August 13, 2012 at 21:30

Wow Christina,

Thank you so much for this wonderful and heartfelt comment! You’ve given Awesome Dudette and everyone else some great, practical tools to help her friend through this time.

The only thing I would add is to be open to the her friend wanting to be alone. Sometimes, in an effort to help those who are grieving, the well intentioned can become overbearing. So, my advice would be help, but don’t smother. Of course, this is an individual decision, since some people can’t ask for help and pretend like they don’t want it when they actually do. It’s like walking a tightrope.

This is some amazing advice. Thank you again for sharing it here.

Huge happy shiny puppy hugs!
Melody
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Christina August 14, 2012 at 16:46

It is a tightrope. How much can you do, how much should you do, how much do they really want you to do. And the person may not even know. Everyone is different and handles stress and grief in their own way. It is important to let them grieve in their way, like Joshua said. Let them be themselves.
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Trent August 14, 2012 at 01:08

Hi Christina,

This is wonderful advice!
Getting someone to help with the legal side of things is very important. The weight of the grief alone is enough without having to deal with other stressful and complicated things.
The simple meals is also clever advice.
Maybe they could occasionally sleep over and do something enjoyable together on the days she feels particularly alone.
I would imagine that house feels very empty now.

This is a very thoughtful and compassionate plan of action.

Christina August 14, 2012 at 16:53

Thank you, Trent. Sometimes doing something practical like washing the dishes or cooking a meal may seem like someone doesn’t care. But when I went through my divorce, it was the practical things that saved me. The other stuff came later. We’re all different, but sometimes we just need to DO something.
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Trent August 16, 2012 at 04:06

You are most welcome!

How a person could think washing their dishes or cooking a meal is not caring eludes me!
I’d be very grateful if someone did something as huge as that. It’s not small at all. I’d be blown away.
I’ve never experienced this so that “small” action would be very impressive to me.

Now I must go.

Joshua Tilghman August 14, 2012 at 16:06

Melody,

What great advice! I have had to deal with this personally a lot this summer, and I wish I could have read this post earlier. In the end, I came to the same conclusion. I was just there for them. Just let them be who they are going to be. Most of the time when we are there for someone and let them be who they are it brings much healing, but its hard to see this in the beginning of another person’s struggles. We want to do so much to relieve their suffering, but we also have to consider the fact that they are doing some soul growing too. If we get too involved, we might interfere.

This post reminds me of a how Eckart Tolle advises parents to raise children. Sometimes we need to be active parents, disciplining, setting boundaries, etc., and other times we just need to be there for them while letting them BE who they are.

Thanks for this post!
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Melody Fletcher August 14, 2012 at 22:55

Thanks so much for your kind words Joshua. This is why, as counterintuitive as it sounds, it really helps to detach from whether or not they feel better. Particularly in the beginning, we have to be able to allow them to go through their process at their own pain. If we become too attached tot he outcome, we’ll push them and that won’t end well. I’ve had clients that cut their own grieving process short because of pressure from family and friends to “snap out of it already”. Years later, they needed to finish that process.

I’m certain that you were a great asset to your friend. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Paige | simple mindfulness August 14, 2012 at 22:32

I was in Awesome Dudette’s shoes a few years ago with my husband. He lost the person closest to him and was a wreck for a while. I kept asking him what I should DO for him. I felt helpless and wanted to help him so badly. I knew I wasn’t going to fix his grief or anything else. I was physically and emotionally there for him, all the while wondering what I should be doing. I’ve never dealt with that level of grief and didn’t take on his emotions but never told him that he should change what he was feeling. I know there’s no time table for getting past things like that. For the most part I just sat with him and listened to him and held him.

When things improved, he said that simply being there and listening to him was the best and most amazing thing I could have done. He described how much it helped him.

Christina’s advice is also great. Being there for them and helping them through the basics of a day.
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Melody Fletcher August 14, 2012 at 22:57

Hey Paige,

Thanks so much for sharing your story here! It really is enough and it’s all we can do, but it can be everything to someone’s who’s grieving. And never underestimate the power of giving someone enough space to have their own experience without trying to guide it or speed it up (control it) in any way. It really honors that their process is valid for them. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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DawnStar August 17, 2012 at 02:57

Wow!! Exhausting Wow!! (The comments I mean not the post)

What would The Divine Wow say/do/be?

The Divine Wow would not budge a trilli-billi-nano-nano-metre (my new made-up tinsy-tiniest unit of measurement) from that brilliant, radiantly steadfast, certain, absolute knowing of, ‘she is A-freakin one, right on, perfectly where she should be, nothing is ‘wrong’, she’s beautifully, soul-enriching, expansion momentum!’ The Divine Wow and her gargantuan, magnificent Large Self are cradling her in soft, deep, plush velvet, bone-squeezing, breath-taking love :]

Everyone around her needs to do nothing more than attune to that, to see her in all her wholesome glory, as a powerful, super-able energy who chooses her human state. Seeing her as a victim, feeling sorry for her, sympathising – even empathising – is not a fair tribute to Who She Is. We need more respect for her than that. When we’re connecting with her Large Self we’ll know exactly what she needs and when :]

Nobel Laureate Anatole France said, “All changes, those we most dread and even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

That’s what she’s doing. That’s all.

We need to all remember not to get stuck in the story. We can all choose whether to answer the casting call. We can all choose what casting call to put out.

What happens to a feather in the mud each time a boot walks on it? Be the wind that offers to carry the feather to safety :]

Love to all
xxxxxxxxxxx

DawnStar August 17, 2012 at 04:53

No, that doesn’t feel right, not ‘carry’ that’s too much doing – just be the energy of an alternative choice.

That feels better :]

Melody Fletcher August 17, 2012 at 17:05

Hey DawnStar,

I feel the same way. How would Who I Really Am look at this situation. It’s so easy to dismiss the idea of seeing the perfection in someone and focusing all our intention on that part of them as not being enough. But I’m really beginning to see that it’s everything. From that place, we are inspired to truly help (which can include doing nothing sometimes). And the whole process can feel good and light. We really don’t have to make anything happen, not for ourselves and certainly not for others.

I’m really grateful for your presence here. Thought you should know that. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Gabby September 12, 2012 at 18:00

Not long ago, I had befriended an online friendship with a man who was an administrator at the same site as I. Haviing mutual interests, morals and values, we had bonded quickly. We became better aquainted in a more private scenerio of Instant Messenger and were close friends for 2 years. Every day, several times a day, he was there for me as I suffered from personal issues. I was there for him to boost his self confidence and self esteem that he had lost duringhood. We helped eachother. Although, after a while, even though he continied to initiate contact with me and ask how I was each day… or support me by “just being there” he eventually disappeared. Feeling anxious, the last time he contacted me I, again, asked if everything was alright, with him and/or between us. He denied anything was wrong and said it “has nothing to do with” me. He had mild depression issues of his own so I let him be and we continued our conversation. About an hour later, we exchanged our usual good night pleasantries. However, it’s been several months since we last had contact. He stopped contact without any explanatin. Is it possible to match my vibrational frequency, once again, to his to reconnect. I have messaged and emailed him on many occasions to have yet get a response. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

Melody Fletcher September 13, 2012 at 14:05

Hey Gabby,

It’s possible that this man has just gravitated out of your experience. If that’s the case, you may not be able to bring him back. But, if you can, then it won’t be through action. Take time to focus on him, remember him, the way it felt to talk, to connect, to have a friend who understood you. Do that and either he will come back, or someone else will come in. He may not have it in him right now to be that person, and if that’s the case, he won’t be a match. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t still line up with what you want and manifest it in a different way.

Try to be ok with either option, because NEEDING it to be him actually closes off the energy flow.

I hope that was helpful.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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