Quick LOA Questions Volume 8 – Relationships, Self Sabotage and Second Chances

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by Melody Fletcher on August 7, 2012

 

Can you manifest experiences with a specific person?

Awesome Victoria asks: “My question is regarding relationships. I understand that we can’t create someone else’s frequency, so we can’t want them to fall in love with us. But, does the Law of Attraction work if what we want and focus on is to have lots of positive experiences with that person? If we want lots of opportunities to get to know each other better? And then live it up to life if love happens or not?”

This depends quite a bit on what stage of the relationship you’re at.

Let’s say that you see a man at the coffee shop each morning and you’d like to get to know him better. Could you focus on getting to know him, visualize him hanging out with you, etc? Yes. But it would only manifest if this particular man was actually a match to hanging out with you. My advice, in that case, would be to go ahead and visualize meeting this man, but see him as a placeholder for the match, who may or may not be this particular man. In other words, focus on how the experience of hanging out would feel and don’t get too attached to this one guy.

But let’s say that you already know this man and can feel a resonance there. So, there’s already obviously a kind of match. In that case, it would be more likely that you could manifest more meetings with him.

In either case, though, I would always caution that it’s best to focus on the feeling of what you want (why do you want to hang out with this guy…) and not get too locked into the guy himself. Let the experiences play out perfectly and pay attention to what’s being mirrored back to you. If you see something that you like, focus on why you like it and let the universe bring you more of it, instead of defining that it must come in a certain way (THIS guy has to hang out with you). That way, if the guy is secretly a jerk and wouldn’t actually be that fun to hang out with, you never have to experience that side of him. The Universe will simply never let you get close enough to figure it out. :)

 

Can you get a second chance?

Awesome Kat asks: “If the Universe gives you situation A without you looking or working for it at all, but you choose another route of B, because that’s what you wanted since you were 4. On path B you have a blast, with much partying, dating, friendships, trips domestically and abroad, a dream social life never experienced before. Generally, a grand old time considered legendary.

The aftermath leads to bad jobs you must get the heck out of because they and their respective environments do not resonate with you. Along the way, you realize that A suited you well in the first place.  It would have brought you a sure thing and the overall lifestyle you want.   

The problem now is that you will need to convince others about this and you will be probed about the lost time in between, because with the powers that be here in physical, it’s considered wasted time.  

Does this concept fly with LOA and could there be another chance granted that will go smoothly?”

There’s a big, false belief apparent in this question, and it’s this: The idea that you can make a mistake, that you made the wrong decision and “wasted time” and went off your path somehow. You can’t get off your path. Think of it this way: When you come to a fork in the road, you think one will take you in the right direction and one will take you in the wrong direction, only, both of them will take you to your goal. And I can’t even say that one will offer a smoother ride than the other, because there’s no way of knowing that.

You have no idea what Choice A would’ve really been like. You have no idea if you’d have been happy or not. Perhaps it would’ve been boring as hell for you. Or, perhaps Choice B offered you a faster opportunity for growth, which many of us prefer even if it’s generally more uncomfortable.

No, you don’t get second chances. That’s because you never blew your first chance to begin with. You can’t get this wrong. You didn’t make a mistake. You chose the road that looked best to you at the time. And if you had a lot of fun with it, it was not the wrong road.

There’s another false belief in all this: The idea that having fun is a waste of time. That’s a bunch of BS, too.

The truth is that both Choices A and B included many wanted experiences for you. You chose one and went with it. And it was fun for a long time. Then, after a while, you realized that you wanted more. Choice A wouldn’t have been any different. You would’ve had stability and security, but after some time, the remaining desires that it didn’t yet cover would’ve come up, too and you would now be lamenting that you should’ve chosen B.  And yet, you now know more of what you want and can define it better than you ever could have. Focus on that.

You are not the same person you were when you made the choice. And the choices that are available to you now have changed. Focus on what you want now, considering everything you’ve experienced and learned. Don’t see Choice B as wrong. Incorporate what you liked about that experience into what you want now. The experiences you’ve had so far are part of who you are and have caused you to grow and expand.

Don’t try to make your NOW decisions based on who you used to be. Make your NOW decisions based on who you are NOW. [Tweet This]

You haven’t wasted any time. You’ve lived and experienced and expanded. You’re now closer to who you really are than you’ve ever been. You have more clarity than you’ve ever had. If your goal had been to be a mindless cog in the machine, then yes, you’d have wasted time. But if your goal is to be who you really are and shine as brightly in each moment as you can allow, then you’ve done very, very well. :)

 

Why do I keep sabotaging my relationships?

Awesome Dudette asks: “I was writing because I have a question regarding a relationship (shocker!). There is a guy who I have a strong connection with, who I attracted to me. However, after spending time together & getting close, he told me he had the same feelings for me. This should be time for great celebration, but I pulled away from him. I stopped feeling good about him, started projecting negative thought energy towards him until he stopped making an effort to contact me. I want to be in contact with him, I want to continue what we started, but when I think of him, see his face/name pop up on social media sites, I become afraid.  Why am I pushing away what I want, even making it look undesirable and “bad”? (I’ve even started to think of him as a cold, distant jerk when I’m the guilty party) How do I change this behavior in myself so I stop doing this with people? (He’s not the only person I’ve pushed away with my thought energy).”

Self-sabotaging behavior comes from fear. You clearly have a belief that if you actually got what you wanted – a loving, connected, authentic relationship – it would be more painful than what you have now. And your reptilian brain is always going to protect you from what it perceives as harm. So, as you get closer to what you want, you feel more and more threatened and your defense mechanisms get triggered. That’s when you push guys away. Then, when he’s gone, you feel safe again. But you also feel free to realize your desire again.

There’s no generic answer I can give you that will solve this for you. You could have a belief that you are not worthy of love, or that you’re not good enough, or that men always end up hurting women, or, or, or. The list is endless. This is what I help clients with in my  1 on 1 coaching sessions. But here’s a very basic exercise that you can do that may help (not all exercises work for everyone, but it’s a start):

Think of the guy you like. Now, visualize yourself being in a relationship with him. You’ve gotten together, the goal has been accomplished. Now, let your mind flow freely (basically, daydream) and see what comes up. See your life together. Let it all feel natural.

Your vibration will inform your fantasy unless you deliberately guide it. See what happens. Do you get into fights? Does he treat you well? Let the negative images come out along with the positive ones. Your fear will be mirrored in your visualization, and if you pay attention, you’ll be able to spot clues as to what it is.

For example, let’s say that you see yourself married, but in your free-form visualization your husband cheats on you. If you dug down into the feelings of this event, you might realize that you’re afraid of being abandoned. Or, it could tell you that you have an expectation of being rejected for someone better (who did he cheat with?), which would point of beliefs of unworthiness.

Let your visualization show you what’s going on in your vibration. It’s quite uncanny, but it totally works. :)

 

Now it’s your turn: Did any of these questions resonate with you? Share your own experience for the benefit of everyone in the comments below.

 

{ 68 comments }

Mary Carol Moran August 7, 2012 at 23:09

Hey! I’m first! Cool.

These are great questions and helpful answers, Melody. Thank you! The one I relate to most is the first, maybe because I’ve been chatting with a guy and wondering if it would come to anything more. I love the idea of focusing on the emotion of happy togetherness and not on the specific guy. Yes! Maybe if I’d met you when I was young (well, if you’d been born then…), I wouldn’t have kissed so many frogs!

Sleek friendly greyhound hugs, (Greyhound is galgo in Spanish. Isn’t that pretty?)

Mary Carol
Mary Carol Moran invites you to read..Random QuestionsMy Profile

Melody Fletcher August 8, 2012 at 00:43

Awww Mary Carol,

You might’ve still kissed those frogs, just not for as long, lol. You still have to go through your journey. Knowing the what and how of it just makes it faster and less painful (mostly…)

Galgo. I like it! :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Quick LOA Questions Volume 5 – Enlightenment, Healing, Fasting and Color TherapyMy Profile

Nay August 7, 2012 at 23:56

Hey Melody!

In speaking to second chances Awesome Kat, my experience was that, unlike you, I ‘always’ felt like I was on the wrong path. I made a choice in my life to do a specific thing, and stuck to it because of what I would get at the end of that choice. And I stuck to that choice like it was the end all be all. And it wasn’t the have fun and enjoy yourself choice. It was the safe responsible choice. And still, there was always a feeling that I was supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else, but couldn’t because I made the choice, and if I did opt out of that choice ‘Look how much time I’ve wasted!’

So I trudged through 21 years of that choice, got to the expected end result and…….and……. And I wasn’t any happier once I reached that final goal which had driven my whole reason for making the choice and sticking too it. Once free from that choice, I still felt like I was missing something. And all the things that I thought I wanted to pursue after that just didn’t come through. They all fell flat once I started doing them. What the ‘hell?’ And of course, other people were like, ‘What are you doing now, why haven’t you done anything, you really should start doing something, if you don’t start soon, you’ll have wasted all that time, you should go to school, if you wait too long, nobody will hire you because you’ll have that big empty spot of time in your resume’… and on and on.

It took this blog and some serious digging to figure out that it had nothing to do with where I was at, what I was doing, who I was with, or what choices I had made. It all came down to me. MY BELIEF. No matter what I was doing, I felt like I was missing out or doing something wrong. And to make it worse, I had sabotaged myself into believing that I couldn’t make choices. Because the choices I had made did not make me happy, so how could I trust myself in my next choice? And I couldn’t sit around forever, I needed to make a choice. And of course everyone around me was reflecting that right back at me.

Once I dug into that belief, I realized I was deathly afraid of being a failure, being wrong. Deathly afraid to just go all out, whole hearted and do what I wanted and just enjoy it. Because….what if I get it wrong?! What if it’s not what I really want, or it losses it’s appeal?! What if, God forbid, people think it’s a stupid choice, and then I prove them right by failing? And than I won’t have enough time to find the next thing because I’ve already wasted so much time on the wrong one!!!’ Which is all abunch of BS!

I had to find the root of why I felt like I was missing something, then get to a better place, a more productive thinking routine. So, I’ve started retraining myself to just make a choice, and enjoy it. And the really really hard part; change my mind if I want to!!!! Once I started getting a glimpse of the fact that I am never on the wrong path, I could actually start doing this. And nobody and nothing else plays a part in this unless I let them or want them to.

You say that:
‘The problem now is that you will need to convince others about this and you will be probed about the lost time in between, because with the powers that be here in physical, it’s considered wasted time.’

Remember what Melody said; the wasted time is ‘your’ beleif. It’s how ‘you’ feel and so others reflect it back at you. Look into that feeling and see where it’s really coming from and find a better way to think of it, a better perspective, so ‘wasted time’ no longer holds true/resonates with you. Once you do, I bet less people will even talk about it, and you won’t feel the same if someone does ask you about that time in between.

I considered my choice to be the ‘good choice,’ and so would many others, but it never resonated with me, never felt right, and so felt like a waste of time, just like you say your choice was. So we both made choices, on opposite ends of the spectrum, and ended up in almost the same spot: having to start over, and not seeing choices opening up for us that we thought we could do. So in the long run, it had nothing to do with the choices and everything to do with our feelings about those choices.

Your past does not equal your future. There is only now. Re-evaluate how you feel about yourself and where you’ve been, and see it for the perfect path that it is, was, and will be.

Melody Fletcher August 8, 2012 at 00:45

Hey Nay,

Thank you so much for your wise and valuable contribution to this post (and the whole blog, really. You freaking rock!)

I’m sure Kat will be thrilled, as well.

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Why It’s Not Wrong To Steal – An LOA ViewMy Profile

Nay August 8, 2012 at 01:12

Thanks Melody!

I can only contributing because you’ve helped me to see how it can be, and how to understand this LOA so clearly.

If by ‘wise’ you mean in the middle of the storm, then that’s me! I’m in the middle of my journey. And I mean my journey into LOA at this very interesting time in my life.

So many of your posts, and questions from people, just click in my head. And I laugh cause I keep jumping in with, ‘Oh, I’ve been there, and yeah, I remember that feeling, and let me tell you how I’m dealing/dealt with it,’ blah, blah, blah.

And you’ve seen me cringe cause I just can’t seem to shut up. But, I GET IT!’ And I don’t mean (Cue, big powerful voice) ‘I am now an official LOA practitioner with all the know how!’ I am just starting to understand how it works, and starting to apply it, seeing it in the process of my life, and what a difference it is slowly but surely making.

So like I said, I’m in the middle of it, and am hoping that any little insight I think I have will help someone else get it! And it’s all because of this blog and it’s clarity, humor, fun, and yet very serious subjects.

You rock, which has helped me, and so I hope it all helps someone else rock! Lol

Kat August 8, 2012 at 15:53

Awesome Nay and Melody,

I sure appreciate all your input! Thank you so very much! I was openly crying when I read the post and comment. It really, deeply resonated with me because I know it is the truth, but kept torturing myself over it because I had nothing to show for that span of time but some jobs, albeit very interesting when brought up in conversation with others, that I left because I did not belong there. I thought I screwed up royally with this one and was afraid that others would see me as a f**k up for leaving A, the opportunity of a lifetime, to experience B. ??w crazy was I after all? Did I just experience a metaphorical death?

The self-torture continued, to the point that it manifested in an anxiety disorder which took months to go away. So, this whole situation cost me my well-being, health, sanity and painful arguments with my mom that prompted me to move out. My sisters started running into classmates of mine from high school who, when asked about me, were like “But Kat should be doing A not B!” Not that they are experts in the matter, yet that’s what was reflected to me! Overall, the legendary period was over and I had to face the consequences and pay the price for the mistake I thought I made, but this was all that was being reflected to me from my feelings about it.

However, many good things happened along path B, so I started to “recover” and appreciate what I chose. I made a list of pros and cons and the pros were twice, almost three times as many, so I was like, that is proof enough! I even have it on paper!

And Melody, you are absolutely right. I am not that person anymore. I am an expanded version of that core person. My husband even admitted that he would not have dated or fallen in love with that person, so this is more comforting to me, along with all that you wrote.

And yes, this concept of “paths in life” is misleading, I realize it now. It IS one path. Having to pay the price, be punished, or deal with consequences is our interpretation of the matter, from our limited perspective. It’s one road like any road, with smooth areas, some bumps from which we learn. We can go along, go in reverse, make a U-turn, yet still be on this road, because it is the road of life. I hope I got it. Glad to approach the vortex again.

I do not have a twitter account, Melody, but I re-posted your quote on my LinkedIn account. Thank you!

Shiny, Happy Puppy hugs!

Alice August 9, 2012 at 05:38

Hi Kat,

You are evolved!

If my man said he wouldn’t have dated the person I once was I’d be so hurt!
Sure it shows I have evolved and changed..but it also means that if I ever regressed or went through a hard period he might not be able to cope!

I knew a friend of a friend whose husband was head over heels for her. They had children and balance of job, chores and child minding.
Then she hurt her back and couldn’t chase after the kids, clean or cook. She could still work but he was pissed off at having to take over the mothers role.

He ended up leaving her and when she got better he took her back!!! We all told her not to go back to someone that fickle. A good husband stays by your side for better or worse.
Not abandons you from an injury because he is too lazy to pick up the slack.

That’s a bit scary actually!

I’m not saying you are going to regress, but it’s nice to have that safety net of someone that would stand by you with deep love.

I’m sure he meant well by his statement. That’s just my opinion.

I agree on the paths. There is no chronological order to do this in life!

The only area where “miss the chance” may apply is in the sporting and modelling industries. They care very much about the number on your birth certificate no matter how fit or young you look.
People in late twenties are considered “old” in Olympic sports etc.

But besides that there’s not much where that idiocy applies. It’s never too late! :-)

Good on you for coming so far! *claps*

Kat August 9, 2012 at 13:36

Alice,

Thanks so much for your input. Yes, indeed, that is scary and I would not have gone back to him either. That behavior is quite jerky from the story you describe. My husband meant that I came into my own, developed a strong personality and it took some work to get to know me in the sense that I did not jump at the opportunity to get with him, but was confident enough to allow a friendship to blossom into romance while calling him out on certain things I did not like so that he adjusted his behavior. This intrigued him very much as no other woman he had met did that.

Alice, I was very sheltered and overprotected and grew up depending solely on my parents and did whatever they said. I had no opinion or personality of my own. I did what I was told, was told to honor thy father, and could not even make a decision for the life of me because I did not know how, believe it or not. Had I not taken initiative, I would still live that way, like so many others in the community where I grow up; you can be 50 and still live and do as your parents say, it is very acceptable. My husband meant that he likes the fact that I take matters into my own hands and take initiative, rather than just live a certain way and take that as the way to live, like others he saw when he came to see me in my area. This is what he meant, which for me was a marker of how far I had come. I did not even talk unless I was asked a question directly, but now I express myself because I need to and that is the only way to get anywhere. I am still the genuine, funny, lively person I was with the purity of spirit he saw from the first second, with a developed personality that grew from the experiences I had on “path B”. Had I chosen “path A”, according to him, it would have been more of the same, I would have married someone local they would have told me to marry for whom I had no opinion of anyway and would not have been able to discern personality, and I’d probably be divorced which would have left me broke, because the guy would have taken everything, and I would have started over, kind of like where I am now, but I have more direction now. So, I’ve had long discussions with my husband on this topic and his opinion is valid. I just wanted to clarify if there are mistakes in LOA and now understand that there are not! :-)

Also, a loved one would never want to see you depressed. When I was down, my husband could not stand it and tried to reason with me that there was no point in being in this state. It was counterproductive. Then I heard the universe does not respond to you in that state. It makes totally sense to me now!

Appreciating everything,
;-)

Alice August 10, 2012 at 01:49

That sounds great! :-) No one should live under thumb.

I don’t like the sound of the last paragraph, but that makes sense because it’s your husband not mine! :-)

Of course depression is counter productive but having someone tell you that (as if you don’t know) doesn’t mean you can just snap your fingers and change.
Part of healing is being validated for your feelings and being allowed to express rather than supress.
If they are compassionate while you work your way up, it doesn’t mean they enjoy seeing you upset.
There are levels of depression, which I’ve discussed with Melody–and it has it’s own ladder.
So you may know the universe doesn’t respnd when you feel low but logically knowing is different from feeling.
No-one can make you rush that process.

That’s like saying “hitting your thumb with that hammer is counterproductive! Now you have a sore thumb!!!”

Well it’s not like people hit their thumb with the hammer/miss the nail ON PURPOSE. :-)
When people are sad they know it’s not useful but that’s where they are and logical comments/reasoning won’t help.

Nay August 9, 2012 at 09:51

Go KAT!

So your ‘Now’ is as it should be. And your now of every moment is how it should be. And you create your next ‘now’ and decide what comes next, and next, and next. No consequences, no price to pay. It’s just now and what we make of it.

And like you, I hope I have it too! And the more I dive in, the more that hope turns into knowing. And I’m glad you cried, cause I cry reading this stuff all the time!!! Sometimes it just hits me in that spot that makes me laugh and cry helplessly. And my husband just doesn’t know what to do with me, which makes me ‘craugh’ even more. :D

Kat August 9, 2012 at 14:09

Nay,

Thanks so so much!!!!! I went through so much with this topic, but it was the fact that I had expanded and I would not go along with it that was the culprit! I was totally out of the vortex and was seeing things from a skewed angle.

The ever-expanding universe is kind and generous, but we mess it up from our limited viewpoint, mainly from our conditioning. This blog made me understand that the universe does take care of everything, no matter what. It is not instantaneous, but there is good reason for that. All we need to do is have faith and feel good. I would also add here good, pure intention, but I am not so sure that is even required, as LOA responds to desires and vibration. Does it look beyond that desire to look at intention? I’d think spreading positive vibes to the world is a great intention, but maybe not so much a requirement.

These posts really move me to the core as well and I do cry often. That is great! It is a good indicator that we are at a good place! Yea us! :-)

Your words were most helpful and comforting! I deeply appreciate them and you!

Alice August 9, 2012 at 03:44

‘What are you doing now, why haven’t you done anything, you really should start doing something, if you don’t start soon, you’ll have wasted all that time, you should go to school, if you wait too long, nobody will hire you because you’ll have that big empty spot of time in your resume’… and on and on.

I still have those fears. Moved away from them alot and just doing nothing for a long time and not really worrying until SOMEONE ELSE bothers me with it.
That’s not happening very often though.
The gap of years is already there so now it’s done- there’s no point worrying.

My relaxation on the matter isn’t a positive one though. It’s more like being on a diet–breaking the diet and then going “oh well, it’s done now.”
And then eating an entire tray of brownies seeing that you already failed by eating the one brownies, may as well fail with fireworks.
(I don’t diet by the way…just making an example)
It’s more like I just stopped caring.
I’m unemployed and not well enough to work. Oh bloody well. The panic has just been replaced by. “Such is life”
If I get an eviction notice or some huge panic-trigger then the job panic resurfaces. But it takes something huge like that. I’ve been down on the matter too long now to get all riled up.
I used the diet example because it is soo similar to someone stacking on pounds becoming overweight and then deciding to throw caution to the wind, party hard and become the worlds fattest person seeing they feel fat anyway.
They just-don’t-care anymore.

But believe it or not that is progress! The panic and trying very hard made me sicker..so my health is actually improving when I don’t give a shit!
The irony!
But I have too much “pride” too keep that up so I undo all the lazy work and start caring..then I get sick again!
Now I know why pride is a sin!

I fit the middle ground between you and Kat!! :-)

I didn’t go off and have fun in that “wasted time” (fun isn’t a waste at all)
I didn’t do something sensible either!!! (well yes, but with gaps inbetween of inaction)
I literally did mostly nothing.
I wish while I wasn’t doing anything I picked the “fun” option as that leads to happy memories.
The sensible option leads to money in the bank. Those are both positive stuff.
Personally I don’t have either.. so you are both lightyears ahead of me!

Still don’t know what I’m gonna do. I also have not worked out how to clear resistance/clean things up…
Questioned Melody about it hundreds of times. Still does not make sense to me. The more I dig the more I find and I’m not even sure when I find the root.
It just makes me feel worse, brings up similar situations, focuses on the problem…

I can feel good and aim for the “reach higher, get better perspective technique” but even in a happy mood I’m clueless.
And I can’t sustain that happiness for very long.

Kat has lived more than me if she was truly having fun. Who cares about that piece of paper.
I’d rather have lived the life. I’m proud of her!

I’m proud of you too Nay! Now stop feeling bad about your sensible choice as at least unlike me you made A CHOICE.
That’s much better than nothing!

Nay August 9, 2012 at 10:18

Thanks Alice!

I’m making peace with my choices even as we speak. I don’t hate them now, but I did for a long time. And it made me feel worse because I knew I shouldn’t hate them because they did provide for me. But knowing didn’t change how I felt. Even after I was free of that choice. And that’s what really got me questioning. I was free, didn’t have to worry about that choice anymore, and I was still depressed. So it had to be coming from me. From my thoughts.

You say you don’t care, but I think you care a lot. You care enough to read this blog and try your damndest to GET IT! And you also care enough to respond to posts and give your input and try to maker people feel proud. So do the same for yourself. Be proud of yourself, where you are and where you’ve been. You’re learning and while you’re at it, you’re giving support to others. So support yourself, and know that you will GET IT.

Practice makes perfect. I have to repeat, repeat, repeat in order to get back into my happy place sometimes. And I think that was a big one for me to learn. I didn’t want to work at it at all. And that everything I tried previously didn’t work made me want to give up. And I’ve tried for a good fifteen years, minimum! Hell, I remeber being depressed when I was 7, yes 7 years old. I remember thinking so many times that I was just never going to be pretty, or as popular as the other girls. And nobody would ever really be my best friend. Why? Couldn’t tell you. But that gives you an idea of how early this started for me.

But something finally clicked. Something made sense somewhere and it started working! But I had to practice looking for the better feeling. It was damned HARD, because it didn’t last, because my thought habits were always down. And on top of that, I always thought about why I was down/depressed. And it was a habit. I still fall into it. But I’m learning to catch it a lot faster than before. I was down cause I always wondered why I was down. I focused on it, incessantly! And, what you focus on comes right back at ya!

So keep on reading and studying this and everything you can about how to feel better. And figure out what ways work for you. Sure you’ll fall off, but the more you practice the easier it gets to jump back on. Because it WILL click for you too! And the more you tell yourself just that, the sooner it will happen.

And forget what society says/dictates. IT doesn’t! What you believe does.

Kat August 9, 2012 at 16:53

Go Nay!!! You rock!!!!

Nay August 16, 2012 at 09:10

I roll too, just so you know! ;D
Thank you so much for such kindness. I can’t express how much your and Alice’s input add to what Melody gives in these posts.

Alice August 10, 2012 at 02:06

Ha-ha Nay,

Mentioning your depression and not fobbing that off makes you look stronger. That’s just one likeable thing about you.
You’re not pretending that you know it all, or that you didn’t go through years of sadness.
I think this is why Kat, Melody and I are all praising you. It’s “authentic”.

This website is the only place I speak like this. You see outside of here I am the one saying these things to other people. I’m the one rocking. :-)

I’ve been on the “journey” (what a cheesy word) for a very long time (I keep changing my age here, like Melody know-one will really know, but it’s all relevant to the point at hand)

Sure I could talk about all the things I have learnt and tell that to others. But that wouldn’t get me what I’m looking for.

So I’m looking vulnerable right now and lacking in this knowledge. I could answer my own questions.

But not really why I’m here.

So here’s a safe place to be insecure, not have to be the wise one and bare all.

In real life doing that you’d get lectures from born-again type people that think they hold the Holy Grail!
Give you a pat on the back, a wink and that oh so condescending “you’ll get there too” (yuk, talk about dripping in arrogance)

I bet you’ve met the type I’m talking about. You kinda except them to call you “kiddo” or give you a smug grin.

Things clicked for me long ago, doesn’t mean that like you I don’t come to this SAFE place to share these thoughts.

It’s the one place I can do that without being treated as a dunce.

Nay August 16, 2012 at 09:07

Wonderful Alice,

I was out for about a week and look at how much I missed!

I love hearing others inputs and experiences, and adding comments, hoping I can say something that will help someone else take at least a small step in a better direction for themselves. And also hoping someone’s reply to my comments will give me another boost too, which between you, Kat, and Melody has happened!

So I truly thank you for your input and your too kind words. This is the first website I have ever commented on with any kind of regularity. And as you said, I feel I can lay out insecurities. It’s a very freeing feeling!

Kat August 9, 2012 at 14:45

Alice,

Is still got a piece of paper out of it, but in a field that is not for me! I do not belong there, no matter how prestigious the jobs I had. The proof is that all young people like me leave those jobs. Just yesterday the guy from our electrical company came to read the meters for the month and told me his sister also worked there too! How serendipitous is that? We were two of the 15 chosen especially for those jobs to make a difference in our local government. Yes, we were rolling in money, had executive accounts, worked overtime, all the time, but could not put up with all the hierarchical BS that went on. There was no leeway whatsoever, though the powers that be could have made things more comfortable for us, we were discriminated against due to our youth, believe it or not! According to them, we were too young to be given such freedoms! Freedoms????!!!! WTF? We had to report in every second of the day and copy a thousand people on each e-mail we sent and generally micromanaged which to me means you have a baby-sitter.

Wow, hearing about it yesterday struck a chord with me and it is a good thing I did leave, because the whole group abandoned ship! Now, instead of learning something from the experience in order to hire more young people, from what I gather they did not want any young people there, but older people who would obey orders and punch the clock, even though we were executive managerial level! Very ludicrous indeed! I hope you get more of the picture now.

Some people do not like to be baby-sat. I think previous generations did, that is their style. You do not think for yourself just obey the boss and that is pretty much it. Yet, in management, you need to create programs for certain populations and we were not even allowed to do that! It was surreal! You must be given freedom to create yet our hands were tied! Thus, no progress was made. I definitely learned a lot and that was great exposure for a young person, but only to a certain point. And I thought employers were in great need of people who can create and take initiative. Are they really? They do not show or act it!

Alice, remember to not concentrate on the problem and to adopt a “whatever man” type of attitude. That is very important. From what I can tell, no one is harassing you, so you are fine. Just hope for greater things and they will come when the universe deems it right.

Melody Fletcher August 9, 2012 at 16:02

I don’t have much to add here, except that my heart sings that you three found each other. This is such a wonderful, authentic, supportive conversation. I must go and do a happy dance now. :D

Huge happy shiny puppy hugs!!!

Melody
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Alice August 10, 2012 at 02:10

hee hee Melody.

It was more like Kat and Nay found each other and I decided to butt in like I do with everyone on this blog.
It’s not really amazing I’m here as I’m on every blog.

That’s like saying “fancy Melody being here!” :)

Alice August 10, 2012 at 02:20

Kat,

From what I can tell now you have given me the bigger picture- is that you had fun, even got the piece of paper (the sensible and the fun choice (it may not be relevant to what you want to do, but you can put it on your resume- all pieces of paper look impressive) and got a huge experience under your belt.

Yes, no-one wants to be babysat! Good call.

So you have checked all the boxes and now are happily married, contented and re-affirmed about your life choices and made a friend called Nay on this blog! :-)

From what I can tell things are going great for you and you are also fine.

Keep hoping for those greater things and appreciating everything, like you are already doing.
You already know what you are doing.

Makes you wonder what you were worried about at all… :-)

Kat August 10, 2012 at 03:34

Thanks, Alice. Perhaps Nay and I knew each other in a previous life and found each other again. It is always good to run into a kindred spirit, no matter how, electronically or in person. I have met many such people on this blog! And you are not butting in at all. I deeply appreciate your comments and I am so truly glad for them! :-)

I really needed to read that. You have no idea what I went through with this topic. Yes, it got to that point when it should not have spiralled as it did.

Though logically it sounded alright and I still looked great on paper, I felt like shooting myself for what I did, as if I participated in debauchery instead of going for the freakin’ sure thing. But even if you do that, LOA is still on your side, so WTF? My husband tried to convince me to just move forward and keep going. And yes, it took a while to get out of that, you are right no matter what he told me, it did not sink in at that time. He just did not think I made a mistake and did not look at it that way at all, so why was I torturing myself? In time, it totally went away and I realized it was not wasted time, nor was I asked about it, so I was in the clear.

Man, those dark moments really suck. Experiencing the depths of despair for no apparent reason sucks and I got a lot of headaches crying not tears of understanding or enlightenment, but tears of pain. I had expanded but not going to the expansion. I was not following it. Now I have joined my expanded self and it shows and I glow so it was not all for naught! Hooray!!!! And here’s to good times! :-)

Alice August 11, 2012 at 05:20

You’re Welcome Kat,

This comment makes you sound very human. It was very nice. :-)

“You have no idea what I went through with this topic.”— Maybe I do, but I really don’t want to go there or remember that. I think when I stabilize my vibration into a happy place, unshakable…then I’ll re-visit those times and help others.

I’ve been mostly happy for 4 days. That’s an achievement for me. I have thought I was happy for some chunks of time in the past but it wasn’t stabile. As soon as in a fear inducing situation or place where insecurities came back up… the feelings swamped me again.
It only takes a negative person to slam me back down.
I still don’t know how to maintain that happiness so I’m very wary of remembering those things.

I have to be childlike and stick my head in the sand a little until I can be happy for at least 1-2yrs for the first time in many years. Then I’ll be ready to talk about some things if people wanted to.
For now I’ve learnt my lesson.

Once I was happy for 3 months and was convinced I was the guru of happiness and wanted to share the answers with some unhappy friends. As soon as I went down that road of helping others and opening up some old wounds to share with them the steps I took to go from “wanting to shoot myself”
To really happy… as soon as I did that…. everything was undone!!!!!

Flung back in depression.

So my only useful advice to you is now you found a good place..protect it with your life!
Don’t be too giving to share this with others just yet.
Be stabile in it for some years. Unless you want to be an Alice, someone that had those moments but lost grip of them!!

I think you can hold onto it. :-)

Thank you for your kind words. :-)

Nay August 16, 2012 at 09:48

Ahoy Alice,

It’s like I’m hearing myself in some of your comments. Just so you know, you are not alone in this. I jump in and out too, on a regular basis. But now, now I really feel like I don’t have to stay for long periods.

Yeah I drop, and hang there sometimes and get pissed at myself because I know I can get to a better place, but for some reason am stuck back in my old habit. And sometimes it doesn’t take anything to get me back down. Like you said, it’s so easy to understand and logically know what is happening, and not so easy to work out of it.

But Then I go and ask myself, is it not easy because I believe it can’t be easy? Is it difficult because I expect it to be? If I go by LOA, then that’s what I’m doing to myself. And when I do that, I get mad at LOA and everything around me and pout about it. Yeah, I hate to admit it (and will never admit it to my husband ;) ) but I am a pouter.

Then I go back to a process that seems to work for me. I reread many of these blogs, get that feeling or sense of hope that I can do this, and then start asking myself questions. And I drag my ass back into a better place.

So my whole goal at this point is to practice, practice, practice. Because I want to get good at turning my moods around. I want it to become much easier when I catch myself falling. And I’m hoping that in time, I will decrease the drag and make it more like a slide back up! Because sliding doesn’t burn my butt as bad as dragging does… :-O

Nay August 16, 2012 at 09:33

Hey Kat,

As you say, those dark moments REALLY suck! But knowing that LOA is always on your side does make a huge difference. You suddenly realize that you aren’t just flopping through the universe, with no control and no options. It really changes your perspective on the dark moments, and they become just that: A dark ‘moment’ instead of a drawn out depression.

That by itself has made things so much better for me. And having your input, hearing your experiences just helps me along. To see others in this process is just so, I guess the best word I can come up with is uplifting (weak ;) ).

And what I’m finding very fascinating is sometimes as I comment, it’s like words are coming out of my brain and giving me an AHA moment at the same time! Like I’m learning it right then, instead of writing it down because I thought it out clearly. It’s almost scary. And then I’ll go back and read something I said and think, ‘who the hell was that’, cause it couldn’t have been me!

So thanks for being here with all of us. I for one am very happy and thankful to have been on the receiving end of your input!

Sylviane Nuccio August 8, 2012 at 01:17

Very interesting questions and answers here.

I love how you clarify for your readers that thinking about “second changes” implies that that there is only one “right path”. I had to convince myself years ago that it’s not so.

At one point I was about to move back to France after my divorce and my brother convinced me to stay in the US. I thought for a long time that I had missed out on certain things by listening to him and stayed, but that’s not true,

Really, staying here led me to do what I do today, working online and do what I love. Sometimes we are confronted with more than one choice and more than one decisions to make, but that doesn’t mean that one is right and the other wrong.

I totally agree that self sabotage has lots to do with fear and some issues that go way back from childhood and now live very cozy in the subconscious mind and will get out only once found out and dealt with.

Thanks for answering those questions, Melody :)
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Melody Fletcher August 9, 2012 at 16:03

Hey Sylviane,

It’s a wonderful, validating feeling when you realize that NOTHING in your life has been a mistake. It’s all perfect, no matter what you chose, it all led you ultimately where you are now. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Christina August 8, 2012 at 05:18

It’s never too late to change direction. And if you never do it, then you’ll never know. You’ll always wonder, what if? And who knows what knowledge may come from the past that is exactly what you need later on? Follow your dreams, follow your gut, face the fear, and do your best. Do or do not, there is no try. And no matter what, it’s all going to be okay. Let other people travel their path and wish them well. You follow yours.
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Melody Fletcher August 9, 2012 at 16:05

Hey Christina,

That’s pretty much all any of us can do… But it’s enough. In fact, it’s everything. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Ayla August 8, 2012 at 07:33

I so appreciated everything about this post and all the comments following that I’ve read so far. Evidently I am not alone. I’d think of something to say in response, then see someone had beaten me to it.
In conversations with friends and family, what I often see and hear is both that people are surprised when one seems to be suddenly making a big life change and they blame it on mid-life crisis, and that the one going through it has just reached a point in which he or she can no longer maintain sanity by continuing the course of Life they’ve been on thus far. While our spirit selves are ultimately Who We Really Are and maintain a constant, by the same turn, we are always learning, always evolving, always growing in spirit. Of course for the most part, by doing so, we won’t be the same people we were 20 years ago, nor will we necessarily need or desire all of the things we did at that point in our lives. Still, there exist those certain dreams and desires that have always resonated in a person’s heart and the quest to fulfill them. Unfortunately some voids we feel we have, we aren’t given complete clarity on what they are or how exactly to fill them, so we sometimes go out and blindly search here, there, doing this for a while, then that, hoping sooner or later something clicks. I am learning that, as I sometimes look back and feel that I spent many years spinning my wheels and getting nowhere, I really was making progress. The area in my life which seemed to benefit most was my belief system. It amazes me how much we can sabotage or hinder ourselves in so many areas of our lives without even realizing it, simply because of limited or wrong beliefs. It takes much practice, but good habits can develop just as easily as bad ones. Once I began to really examine my beliefs, I found that so many of them were corrupted by upbringing, society, and organized religion. Very few of them had actually originated from my own spirit. Finding your site was wonderful serendipity to me, because your wisdom helped me to examine my thinking. When I feel those old familiar limited beliefs coming up, I can catch them more easily now and analyze each of them for what is true, what is a false perpetuated and limiting belief, and change it. Not always easy but I think with time and practice, I’ll get there. Thanks so much for this post!

Melody Fletcher August 9, 2012 at 16:08

Hey Ayla,

You are definitely not alone. I’ve gone through several big life changes myself. And more and more people are now waking up and making changes. They simply aren’t willing to be that unhappy anymore. It’s suddenly no longer worth it. It’s not easy to make that kind of a shift, but it’s happening more and more.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m glad you’re here, too! :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Sweet Pea August 8, 2012 at 23:00

Relationships, Self Sabotage and Second Chances… This is me!

I was in a physically abusive relationship through my mid teens early 20’s. In my early 20′s I married the love of my life who, never physically hurt me, but turned out to be highly verbally and mentally abusive and still is to this day. In fact it just keeps getting worse and worse and now my kids are starting to follow suit.

11 years ago, after divorcing my ex, I immediately wanted to be in a new relationship. Realizing this was just to feel and prove my worth I stopped and said I need to work on me and focus on my very young children. I spent several years alone “perfectly happy” (I think deep down alone equaled avoiding ever being hurt again – truly not trusting myself to see red flags and make the right decisions).

By chance a few years ago, I came across an old flame (facebook of course). Some 20 years ago we had spent the summer together. I was young and cautious, never had sex with him or told him I loved him. As my feelings towards him grew stronger I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Without warning, I went running back to my physically abusive boyfriend. I couldn’t stay with the one I truly loved and he was devastated but there was nothing I could do. I was stuck in my unworthiness.

But here he was in my life again. It was like two decades had never passed… the unresolved feelings of the past ignited but just like the past I was being cautious. We had an amazing intimate relationship but I still kept him an arms distance away. We began spending more time together and although I wouldn’t readily admit it I missed not being with him, I enjoyed our time together, I wanted to be near him. Instead, I couldn’t bring myself to say, “I love you” freely. I stubbornly would say I don’t need anyone. We were together for three years but the last six months weren’t good. As my feelings became stronger I started busying myself with other things, having less time for him, for us. I think in a way I was testing him… lets see if this will make him leave? After awhile he followed suit, busying himself with other things too. We started arguing and of course I convinced myself that he was just a jerk like everyone else.

I was so afraid. What if he leaves me? What if he turns out like the last two I “loved”? What if he cheats on me like my husband did? In reality, by sabotaging, I manifested exactly what I did not want to happen. Now I’m the devastated one. We have talked a couple of times. We have told each other we miss and love each other but don’t miss the arguing we were doing towards the end of our relationship and that we don’t know how to get back to where we once were. I don’t know how but I know doing nothing isn’t getting us anywhere either. I want to communicate with him, understand the breakdown and see if we can salvage…. Doing nothing feels maddening.

I’m currently in a group therapy/class at the community center which helps abused women come through their past, accept and move on, work on self-esteem, spot red flags, etc. I’ve started reading more and more about the law of attraction and the power of positive thinking. I’m working diligently on myself with group and individual therapy. I know I’m finally on a path that will truly help me become a healthier person.

So I read this about relationships, self sabotage and second chances and where do I go from here? I probably know the answer to this already…. Keep bettering myself, think positively about the feelings I want and not necessarily the ended relationship, and if we were meant to be together it will happen and if not I’m one day going to see and feel the better place I will no doubt be experiencing. In the meantime I feel broken hearted.

Melody Fletcher August 9, 2012 at 16:14

Hey Sweet Pea,

First of all, thank you so much for sharing your story here! It takes great courage to be that open and honest.

Second, it doesn’t sound like the two of you are done with each other. This relationship is leading to massive growth for you and there’s no reason that it can’t continue to do so. I’m glad to hear that you’re in therapy. That would’ve been my advice. Get some therapy or coaching. You are now seeing how you actually sabotaged the relationship. That’s a huge insight. Now you can get to work on shifting those beliefs that caused that self sabotage. There’s no quick and easy fix here, but you can learn to view yourself as worthy of love, so that when someone loves you, you don’t push them away. Love doesn’t have to be painful.

You’ve come such a long way. Imagine where you’ll be in just a few weeks? My guess? Leaving us all in the dust as you trail across the sky (you star you) :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Paige | simple mindfulness August 8, 2012 at 23:36

I started life down path A (safe, secure, what was expected of me), only to find out (7 years into it) that it wasn’t for me. I did a 180 and followed my heart (MUCH less money, lots of uncertainly, LOTS of adventures). My family thought I was crazy and gave me all kinds of crap.

I’ve never seen any choice as a failure or waste of time. Each choice is a stepping stone that creates our lives. Nothing is good or bad. It all simply is.

It seems that many of the hardships expressed by others here are due to people worrying about what other people think of them – judging them negatively.

When I was growing up as an introvert in a family of extroverts, my father always said I was weird. I learned to wear it as a badge of honor and thought, “Thank God I’m not like everyone else!” While he thought he was criticizing me (yes, it stung) to get me to change, I turned it around for myself and remained proudly “weird.”

We all need to be comfortable following our own paths. If others don’t like it, they don’t have to follow us. We can always make new friends along our new paths. And if family is a problem (it definitely has been for me), create a LOT of distance from them and severely limit communications. They won’t like it but who made up the rule that you had to stay in contact with toxic people just because they gave birth to you?
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Melody Fletcher August 9, 2012 at 16:19

Hey Paige,

Great advice. I had to get distance from my own family for many years. Now, I have a great relationship with them, but I couldn’t change while they were looking at me and holding the same old vision of me. Maybe I could’ve eventually, but not when I was 19 (which is when I left home).

But I’ve learned that when we stop making what others think of us important, it strips away all the layers. We can see them for who they really are. Not only does it take all the pressure off, but it allows for much deeper connections.

Huge hugs for you!
Melody
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Alice August 9, 2012 at 05:54

I can understand having a second chance.

Sure there is no wrong path and they all have lessons and experiences…TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN

So while we “find ourselves” and do the journey our way.. we get wrinkled, age another year on the meter and the people we can interact with or date closes because you might FEEL 17 and young again and ready to take another direction in life now you “found yourself” and LOA may have made your face pretty youthful because of all that happiness…
But you BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND SOCIETY will always say “eff you”. You belong to generation STAR and you can only date/befriend generation STAR aged people, do generation STAR jobs and this is the level of maturity WE expect for you.

Have you seen “Million dollar baby” the main character just scraps it into the age category to be trained as a boxer.
This is true of the sporting industry and many industries where AGE DOES MATTER.

So I can’t be helped being freaked out in my late twenties having NO CLUE because soon I’ll be 30 and won’t be allowed to be the teenager I feel I am.

I feel and act about 17yrs old. But could I hang around highschool kids (don’t want to, but just saying if I wanted to it wouldn’t sit well) etc? NOOOO! That’s not socially acceptable.

Could I start a sporting career? Not likely.

There are too many global beliefs.

Alice August 9, 2012 at 06:07

Some of those push-pull self sabotage behaviors get labelled as BPD. I haven’t met a female like this, but males and that’s the label they got stuck on them.

I’m not saying the “diagnosis” applies, but some of the positive (not critical/demonizing) information on the “condition” or collection of behaviours is helpful.
This article describes some of the dynamics of a self-destructive relationships Dudette describes and possible cause:

http://www.borderlinecentral.com/articles/bpdintimacyissue.php

(which to my enlightenment through this website are more of conflicting vibrations)

Kat August 9, 2012 at 15:00

Alice,

The secret to looking young is feeling young. I am sure you look 17. All the more power to you! This is the key and you got it! Oh my, you are still so young. People have many careers nowadays and I have taught graduate school where I was one of the youngest in the class, and I was the professor! See my point? When you feel young, you do not get wrinkles because you do not frown upon others and your skin stays supple. Trust me! Those who frown upon others have all the wrinkles.

If you need to hang with high school students, by all means do so! Who is preventing you form doing that? I am sure you will feel good. I hang out with my niece and nephew and feel rejuvenated. I know it is not socially acceptable, but the Hollywood cougars know a thing or two about dating younger guys- it does keep them feeling young. But you see, they are more evolved. They know what makes them happy and they go for it, not caring about what people think of them. They know people their own age are boring and may even suck, so to stay hip and creative, they go for the younger ones because they know where to get the goods. And they know they deserve the goods!

Let those who point the finger and frown upon them get all the wrinkles! :-)

Alice August 10, 2012 at 01:17

ok I exaggerated my age a little to make a point because mentall I feel so old. But still 24y old cougars… :-(

Even if I was later 20s’ like 28 that’s no cougar but society would still think it odd they look 17 and act 17..

Thankyou for the lovely reply and yes I do often look 17-19 but this year got 2 very visible wrinkles which is weird for a young person and been surrounded by 30yr olds in crisis so I’m really feeeling the freak.

Please don’t kill me. It’s real and valid from my perspective as spoiled as it might sound to someone who might be older than that.
But thankyou again the kind words. I’ll do what I want. :-)

I was also in an argument with someone about this because I felt I had evolved. When I was younger I always wanted much older men (like around 40)

and of late that rapidly lost it’s appeal. I’d rather someone like the person I’m with, late twenties.
I even thought If I were single I’d stop blocking out younger men and assuming they are dumb. I’ve evolved past ageism towards others.

But I got blasted about how OLD I was and that thinking the 19yr old guy cute was immoral.

So I hope you understand how my self-esteem has been and not trying to be fraud anyone or annoy, but I’m surrounded by people that think 24-25 is old so that scares me.

Melody Fletcher August 9, 2012 at 16:26

Hey Alice,

Your Birth Certificate tells you to eff off? That’s not very nice. ;)

There is nothing that you truly want to do that you can’t do anytime. You can play sports when you’re 90. Maybe you can’t compete in the Olympics, but so what? You can still play. And I agree with Kat. You can hang out with whomever you want. You can also get friends who are over 18 but are still teenagers at heart. I love to hang out with people who still know how to be silly.

Do I hang out with high school students? No. But I hang out with people of all ages (older and younger) and none of them “act their age”. We just are who we are and do what we want to do. There’s no “You’re too old for that, or not old enough for that.” That’s the beauty of being and adult. We get to make our own decisions and our own rules. If someone out there doesn’t like it (and there will always be someone out there who doesn’t like it), so what? They have their own lives and they can live them by any rules they like. But so can I. And so can you.

Why think of all the hypothetical things you think you can’t do anymore (and do you really want to do them all? Do you want to start a sporting career?)? It feels a lot better to think of what you actually want to do and find a way to do that.

Can you do everything that anyone else wants to do? No. But, again, so what? You can do all the things you actually want to do. If you have the desire, the Universe can make the manifestation of it happen. Your desires are possible for you.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Alice August 10, 2012 at 01:29

Thanks Kat and Melody,

I think people are influneced by the t.v.. and media too. By my age they expect me to have completed university (I haven’t-zero interest in racking up huge debt/more wasted time for a piece of paper I don’t want)

This is deeply ingrained in me because at 18 I was already told I was too old for this or that. So that’s 6 years worth of messages absorbed.

I moved out of home at a very young age and grew up fast. I already had bills and responsibilities in my teens.

I also get freaked out having a 30yr old friend and a 40yr old friend that did what I did and only started making money and working properly now… and society looks down on them.
They are starting in entry level jobs at the age of 40, which people think is hilarious.

I’m looking to just end up with my own business or artistic success where I make so much I wouldn’t have to work for some stuff person anyway.

But I haven’t quite beleived my lofty ideals on a subconcious level.

When I hear someone speak like me… I say the things Kat would say. I can tell someone else ideals, but when it comes to myself…I don’t really beleve.

What makes this harder is I have a peterpan personality. I love cartoons and read childrens stories.
So there’s two conflicting sides within myself as I’m the youngest and oldest of people mentally.

Thanks so much again for the kindness.

Alice August 10, 2012 at 01:33

Also not helping is having many phobias like a small child and being HYPER sensitive, easy to cry…
People both love and hate that depending. I think them stressing how OLD I am is coming from their desire to make me “grow up”

But I’m happier when I’m idealistic and in peterpan world. :-)

Olabode Anise August 9, 2012 at 15:35

Well I see that I’m the first male on the post but that’s all good. I could really relate to the portion on second chances. Regret is one of the hardest emotions to deal with because it lingers and causes us to ponder. But in reality the route we’ve taken is just as good as any alternative.

Melody Fletcher August 9, 2012 at 16:28

Hey Olabode,

Thanks for weighing in with the male perspective, LOL. I’m not sure where all the men have gone, but we do have them around here. :)

Regret is when we’re choosing to see the past in a negative light. We can just as easily choose to see it in a positive one. Hopefully this post has helped a few people see that.

Thanks for stopping by, man. :P

Huge hugs!!

Melody

sam antiago August 9, 2012 at 20:50

Mam im facing a lil problem that i love a girl alot..she is my classmate we are just frnds…i told her that i love her but she says that she don’t want to be in any kind of relation with me bcoz she thoughts me as good frnd only so wat kind of vibration do i emit and what to do? Do i focus on that she is my girlfrnd and im spending time with her or should i focus on relationship i want with my dream girl or qualities i want with girl whom i want to relationship with. But im confused at it what to do?

Melody Fletcher August 10, 2012 at 18:12

Hey Sam,

Don’t focus on this particular girl. Focus on the qualities you want and appreciate those qualities when you see them in anyone (doesn’t have to be a romantic interest.).

I wrote a post about this here: http://www.deliberateblog.com/2011/09/13/jagger-was-wrong-you-can-always-get-what-you-want-but-youll-never-get-what-you-need/

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Lauren August 30, 2012 at 10:32

Melody,

I read this article again tonight and something struck me as odd. I totally understand your first sentence about self-sabotaging behavior coming from fear. It makes complete sense. But the next sentence, “You clearly have a belief that if you actually got what you wanted – a loving, connected, authentic relationship – it would be more painful than what you have now,” left me pondering something. Why do or would we want something that we fear? That’s like having a fear of snakes and yet wanting one as a pet. Do you see what I mean? It doesn’t make any sense. If we honestly had an internal belief that having a loving relationship would be more painful than not having one, then we wouldn’t want it… right?

I’m trying to apply this to my personal situation of being out of work again. Over 17 years I’ve been out of work as much as I have had work. After reviewing the circumstances of all my different jobs and how I ended up out of work, I’ve realized I have a fear of being very unhappy at work and, as a result, doing or saying something that leads me to lose that job. In every position I’ve ever had, I’ve never been really happy or comfortable. And as a result I manifest joblessness. Even my last position that I wrote you about where I finally landed a job teaching but the school was raided by the FBI and later closed down which left me laid off. An honest look back on the whole experience showed that I wasn’t comfortable with what I was doing. And now, 3 months after losing that job, I’m still unemployed and not putting a lot of effort into finding something new because deep down I don’t WANT to work. I can’t see myself doing anything 5 or more days a week and being happy and/or comfortable the majority of the time. I have no desire to do anything. Plus, I really don’t like having to get up every morning and be expected to go somewhere almost everyday, I’d rather just stay home.

So as you can see, my fear of being disappointed in a job leads me to just not want a job at all. Like, fear of snakes, don’t want a pet snake. How to get rid of that fear… still trying to figure that out. I’d like to say in my case F.E.A.R (False Evidence Appearing Real) wasn’t the case, but SOOOO many failed jobs has proven it real to me. Just wondering what your thoughts are on this.

Thank you,
Lauren

Melody Fletcher August 30, 2012 at 16:24

Hey Lauren,

It’s not that we are afraid of snakes but somehow want to pet one anyway. It’s that we want a puppy but are ALSO afraid that it might end up biting us. And so, even though we love the puppy and we play with it, we’re also always just a little bit afraid of it.

Why would we do that? Well, this is what limiting beliefs are all about. At some point in your life, you decided (usually from a very limited perspective) that this thing you want also has negative consequences. Like you with the jobs. You have a belief that having a job will suck. And so it does. And of course, since you’re not willing to put up with that for very long, the jobs have to leave.

But that’s just a belief and one that can be changed. There are options right now that you are not seeing – jobs that don’t require you to get up early every morning, jobs you can do from home, jobs where you get to make your own schedule (you can get paid per project instead of by the hour, for example). You want to earn money and you want to do something that makes you happy, that you feel passionate about and you want to feel like you’re making a contribution. But you have an expectation that getting a job won’t provide those things. It will just, well, suck. It’s this expectation that keeps creating your reality.

Does that help?

Huge hugs,
Melody
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Lauren August 30, 2012 at 18:54

Hey again Melody,

Yes this helps. I see how I have a fear of a bad thing happening that goes along with practically any good thing happening. So how do you honestly get rid of that fear when we’ve experienced this pattern repeatedly? How do you truly stop being afraid of getting bitten by a puppy when almost every puppy you’ve every played with has bit you?

I’ve taken a hard look at my beliefs and see how they are very limiting. So I write affirmations that are contrary to these beliefs. I recite them in my head constantly. But I’m finding there is a difference between knowing/believing something with your mind as opposed to knowing/believing it in your heart. Convincing my heart of new, self-promoting beliefs is not going so well despite my efforts. I use my imagination constantly (since I have so much free time on my hands) to envision the life I want, the financial freedom, the loving partnership. When I do this I get to that good feeling place. But I can never escape the actual reality of my situation so my visions only feel surface deep, not ingrained like my life long & grown beliefs.

Thank you for the online teaching recommendation. I had thought of earning money online somehow since that would give me the time freedom I desire. I’ll look into that idea.

Again, I really appreciate you responding so quickly. You are awesome! :-)
Hugs,
Lauren

Melody Fletcher August 31, 2012 at 22:01

Hey Lauren,

Whenever I have a client who really knows this stuff and they’re telling me that they can’t shift the belief, in every case, they’re not working with the right belief. They’re barking up the wrong tree, so to speak. You have to dig deeper. This isn’t something I have a formula for, that I can share here in a blog post, but I am doing my best to find ways to create processes that I can publish. This is one of the reasons that I publish coaching calls, that you can purchase and listen in on. When you hear someone else being taken through the process again and again in different ways, it begins to sink in. And, if they have the same or similar beliefs that you do, you can actually shift right along with them, as you listen. Core beliefs tend to be quite similar. They manifest in infinite ways, but when you get right down to it, it’s generally about self worth or lack of love, or something along those lines.

Of course, I’ve published processes on how shift beliefs, but what if you’re not working on the core belief? The problem is that when you’re experiencing negative emotion, you don’t have the clarity to just see it.

My advice, if you’re frustrated and have been working on shifting something is to back off. Go feel good using some easy subject. The clarity you seek will come (and yes, it can take its time, which totally sucks eggs). The secret is that the more you are able to back off, the faster the clarity comes.

Does that help?

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Lauren September 3, 2012 at 08:02

Hey Melody,

After my initial reading of your reply I felt sad & frustrated, hence me not responding immediately.

I put it together a few years ago that my core problem was low self-esteem, self-respect, self-acceptance, self-worth, self-love…in essence, I just didn’t like me very much (which didn’t make sense because I see myself as a pretty good person). Anyway, I’ve used & still use countless subliminal and self building hypnosis recordings to change that internal core belief concerning ‘me’. And despite my efforts my life has not reflected much difference. I find that I still have to tell myself that I matter in this world because somewhere inside I still don’t FEEL like I do.

However, tonight I stumbled across a video of Darryl Anka who channels BASHAR. I had never heard of him but there was a comment BASHAR made that rang so clearly in me. He stated the world is a mirror you are looking into and yet you keep waiting for the reflection to smile back at you so that you can smile. Holy smokes that made sense. Waiting for the image in the mirror to smile before YOU actually smile is crazy & illogical (as Spock would say). Anyway, this led me to read more about BASHAR and listen to other recordings.

Another poignant comment he made was when we feel heavy & weighed down (which I usually do) it’s because we’re holding onto beliefs that aren’t really ours (beliefs that aren’t that of Who We Really Are). Again, another ‘DING’ went off in my head when I heard that. In one of the transcripts it was written that when our beliefs & ideas say that things have to be hard, that things have to be difficult it lowers our vibrational energy so much we get to the point where we hardly know how to move at all. This completely explains depression to me and why I personally retreat to my bed and sleep so much. So I’m focusing on learning new ideas that have a higher energy to them.

This all made me realize you cannot approach this stuff from a place of frustration. That negative feeling/energy just blocks any positive energy and new positive ideas from really seeping in. So, in a sense, backing off like you suggested and just getting to a more open, quiet place in your mind is the trick… at least for me it is.

Thanks again,
Lauren

Melody Fletcher September 3, 2012 at 17:02

Yay Lauren! Congratulations on manifesting this clarity! Isn’t it great how the Universe brings us exactly what we need when we’re ready for it?

I like the metaphor – waiting for the mirror to smile before you can smile. And it’s so true. Thanks so much for sharing your insights here.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Thy Freedom Cell September 12, 2012 at 08:53

Hello (my name is a fun riddle for you-maybe too easy) This is the most heart-wrenching and private thing I’ve ever shared. It’s going to be a hard question!

Ok, I didn’t want this in writing but I really need help on this one: self-destruction in the non conventional sense.
When most people think of self-destruction they think of things like excessive drinking, taking drugs or self-mutilation.

I’m involved with my own form of “self-destruction” and I’m not even sure why I do it or what the solution is.
What happens is hard to explain, but I’ll do my best.

I’m OOA in more ways than one and not working. There’s not much I enjoy or can do ATM.
Except one activity. But I will stuff things up for myself and I don’t know why. Sometimes I do it because I think it was the right choice for my health. Other times I just don’t know why I’d do that.

I have a hobby I like. So I should go and do it. I also enjoy doing that and have friends that go to these classes. But sometimes I don’t go for long periods of time. For no reason. Then I feel lonely and stupid.
I also lose skill each time I miss a class and others get ahead of me, so there’s many reasons to go.

The main reason is it’s the only thing that really makes me happy and raises my mood.

Even if I don’t feel well I should go, because when I go I feel happy and talk to people there. Even if I don’t join in, there’s always someone to chat to.

But I’ll stay home instead and call nearly every week and say I’m too sick. Half the time I am sick. The other half I could go, but don’t have the motivation to do things or get there.
But staying home is often worse. Plus the exercise of leaving my house (you know how it is when you’re unemployed) would do me some good.

Sometimes I change my mind and go at the last minute. I’ll arrive late and there isn’t much time and people are leaving. That will make me feel terrible as I could have just come on time.
This is how it is for me with most things.

Often I stay at home not doing anything beneficial to me. I don’t rest. I don’t have fun. I don’t look for work.
I just look at numbing internet sites (NOT this one!) like things like those sites of funny cat pictures.
The laugh is over 10 minutes go, but I’ll just keep clicking on stupid things for hours and hours (ok tears are welling up here) and just waste my entire day.
I do the same with really bad daytime television…just staring at it but not really watching. It’s terrible and I have much better DVDs etc to watch, but I just stare at terrible sitcoms and don’t laugh.

I could be doing fun things or at least productive things. But I just do nothing. Stare at walls and waste my life. Or I just watch the clock for hours and cry as time goes away!

I don’t know why I do this and if I’m wasting time it should be on something fun. This is ridiculous.
I have shame around this. I’m also late all the time, promising myself and others I’ll get my act together but I never can. I know I’l be late, but I might just sit on the floor or stop trying. Then run and panic and sweat as I try to make it on time. (WTF?)

I just stare at things and waste time, then feel bad. I also forget to eat and drink. When I do it’s whatever I can make really fast–so often unhealthy.

I feel quite insane writing that. I’ve been through this years ago and I just stared at the ceiling until my money ran out and I had to get a job. (why didn’t I just have fun?)

So Dr. Melody, what the heck is my problem? Am I insane?

Thy Freedom Cell September 12, 2012 at 08:55

I’m sorry, I had no idea I wrote so much!

Thy Freedom Cell September 12, 2012 at 09:10

I also know what makes me happy (the hobby/friends there) so why don’t I do that???? Why am I here writing to you?

Melody Fletcher September 12, 2012 at 15:09

Hey Thy,

You are not insane. Nothing you wrote here is all that abnormal – tons of people feel just like you. I can’t tell you what your specific issue is from this comment, but I can give you what I think: You are avoiding something, and it’s big. There’s something that you’re really not dealing with, it scares you so much that you’d rather “waste time” than feel those feelings. You are distracting yourself, and that’s not an entirely bad thing. It can help. It feels better than whatever you’re avoiding.

But… it seems that you’re stuck which means that your distractions aren’t really working anymore. Whatever it is that you’re avoiding, it’s very active within you.

I’d recommend that you actively work on raising your vibration. Take some time to meditate, find a thought, something, that makes you feel better and think it. Relentlessly. Maybe it won’t be a happy thought, but something that feels better (try anger. if this is a fear, anger can help you release it).

Don’t beat up on yourself for not taking the action that you think you should take. That doesn’t help. Stop beating up on yourself altogether (this will take work). Soothe yourself. If you want to look at funny cat pictures, make it ok for you to do so. I do it all the time. :) Don’t make yourself do things you don’t really want to do just because you think you should. That’s just going to make you feel worse.

I know this all sounds very generic, but it does work. I can’t get more specific than that, because I don’t know what thoughts you’re not dealing with, but I can tell you that how you view yourself in this context (like there’s something wrong with you) really isn’t helping you at all. A lot of this has to do with how you think you should be living your life, but not really wanting that. It’s like you’re torturing yourself or trying to and then beating up on yourself for resisting the torture. Uff! That’s enough to make anyone dive for the covers.

You’re not insane at all. Self torture is insane. Rebelling against it, which is what you’re doing, is very, very sane.

I hope that was helpful.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Thy Freedom Cell September 13, 2012 at 02:20

Hey, have a careful look at my name. Did you figure it out yet?
If you give up I’ll give you a hint in the next post.

But the thing is there are things that raise my vibration as I explained. It is a hobby and it requires me to go outside and do it. When I do it I feel amazing. I just haven’t been doing it because of some weird reason.
Well I have the lack of motivation to go to it in the first place. If it were right outside my door, I’d just open my door and have fun.

Can’t blame you for missing that in the sea of negativity surrounding that crucial statement. :-)
I was thinking comments need bold and underline features. As well as edit/preview. Desperately. It would bring so much clarity to comments.

Meditation would lower my vibration. Anything that boring and still makes me fall asleep. That’s mainly for people like you. ;-)
What I said I am doing that makes me sad= being stagnate and away from others.
What makes me happy= being with others, shaking things up, doing my hobby
See how sitting at home alone meditating is a terrible choice for me right now.

The hobby makes me happy and the question is “why I don’t do what makes me happy?” Not “how can I raise my vibration” because I already know how and I’m not doing that.

The point is I DON’T enjoy looking at cat pictures. Or watching terrible daytime t.v. (I thought the energy behind it said that)

That’s what I’m trying to say. If I were to raise my vibration etc there are t.v. shows I do enjoy and websites that ARE funny and videogames that are fun inside.

There is the best thing outside!

So I am staying inside and not doing what makes me happy. I am also not doing what makes me happy indoors by choosing the lamest things to do like just the advertised websites and re-runs on t.v.
Yes I watch advertisements, instead of fun DVDS….You see it now? Ads….

And no, I am certain you do not look at cat pictures the way I do. FOR HOURS just clicking on random things, including ads, just clicking on anything, NOT LAUGHING just staring at whatever stupid thing pops up.

The cat pictures was just an example of things I don’t like…..Boring things compared to the wonders of the internet and my life that are actually fun to do.

So essentially I am torturing myself and I don’t know why.

And yes it is common for people to be depressed, but these words don’t really covey the gravity of what I’m doing.

I’m not just being the average depressed person. I am spending months NOT WORKING, NOT LOOKING FOR WORK, not HAVING FUN, NOT EATING, NOT MOVING…
Just staring at things, missing out of things, not doing the one thing that makes me happy
AND STARING AT WALLS. Literally.

I think what happened is you didn’t realize I meant literally. Staring at a wall for 8 hrs….
Type of thing.
That is not normal.

I know what I’m avoiding in some ways, it isn’t the hobby as I love that! But I struggle to go there.
I struggle to move.

Also I’m always late and I don’t understand this.

Maybe, read it again under the context that I’m doing those crazy things literally and how much my hobby raises my vibration.

You got it right on the avoidance. That’s something.

Thanks for your reply.

As for real mental health people they totally miss the picture. I haven’;t contacted them as they’d miss the point so badly I’d throw up.
You see they would suggest a therapist.

Now what part of… DON’T GO OUT TO DO THE FUNNEST THING IN THE WORLD. Don’t they understand!? LOL

If I’m not going to go outside for the one thing that makes me happy, I’m not going to go to a therapist…
But they are so irritatingly dumb they miss they whole point about that. See if I did my hobby I’d be happy… and wouldn’t need therapy.

But people are really thick and because of my vibration I’m going to attract that thickness just to irritate myself and feel more stuck!

There needs to be a angry face emoticon too.

Melody Fletcher September 13, 2012 at 14:39

Hey Thy (Nope, I have no idea what the dealio with the name is. Sorry. I did give it a shot…)

I stand by my answer. You are avoiding something which is manifesting as your total lack of motivation to go do something that you actually know makes you feel better. I get that you are not having fun, but I was trying to soothe that a bit. If you keep beating up on yourself for all these activities, it’s not going to help at all. Be ok with where you are now, not because you don’t want to change, but because when you stop pushing against where you are (which you do by explaining just how horrible what you’re doing is), you open the energy up and you start going down the road to actually feeling better.

So yeah, I get it, I’m just not going to spend any time talking about it in those terms. What you’re doing is not that bad. You are simply avoiding something. It’s a temporary state, something you can find your way out of (try to actually sit with these thoughts. Don’t reject them. I know that’s not how you feel, but try to get there).

And yes, if you keep focusing on how stuck you are, if you keep pushing like this, you will attract a ton of people who will mirror that back to you. And even when someone hears you, you may not recognize that they do (hint, freaking hint!).

Basically, I’m telling you that you’ve got to stop beating up on yourself and you’ve got to get really general about this. If you shift any energy at all (which you will do if you stop pushing against where you are right now), you’ll get more clarity about what’s really going on.

Agree. We need more emoticons. 8)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Thy Freedom Cell September 14, 2012 at 03:31

Thanks Melody! I did feel you 100% heard me that time. :-)

Hee-hee, the name is an anagram of your full name! It also seemed the best as it is what you do for people–you free them from their private cells.
Ta-Da!
I need something other than cat pictures to fill my day, :-) Actually making the anagrams is a lot more fun. (I’m a geek :-( )

I only have rough ideas of what I’m avoiding:

Finding work, facing the fact I’m not in a state to work, realizing that I’m quite vulnerable, not wanting to to talk to people on the street on the way to hobbies and “safe” people. That I don’t know what to do. That I don’t want OTHERS to know I don’t know. The fact the longer I’m sick the bigger the gap on my resume and life, the bigger the phobia around others will get.
Not wanting to be asked too much about my life or lack of friends/job.

(people we can have anxiety attacks in front of and will be understanding, people that don’t question us or put pressure on, safety blanket people)
(term used in anxiety forums–actually your website was linked in one of those forums by one of your anonymous readers that also has similar anxiety)

I don’t know what to do about my life in general, it freaks me out. I didn’t go again yesterday for a valid reason.
I asked myself (now that the reason was clear that day) why I don’t go anyway (despite illness) the answer I got was:
“I don’t want to be vulnerable.”

What do you mean?

“I don’t want to faint or feel weak/ill around others in case I’m approached or put into an embarrassing situation.”

Fair enough.

Today I was feeling a little better. “Why don’t you go outside?”

Because I feel tired and also don’t want to be questioned and waste my energy for friends later…

Inside: Why don’t you have fun?

Because I should be outside! I don’t want to think about things I can’t solve!!!

Something like that. Yes I am avoiding, but there is no point in facing either (not without answers)

Melody Fletcher September 16, 2012 at 17:37

Ahaha! You know, I checked for anagrams but it didn’t occur to me to check for my name. Ha! I’m flattered.

So, this is about vulnerability for you. You have to look for ways to feel more safe. What happens if you pass out? What’s the worst case scenario? Are you totally exposed there, or are you among people who would take care of you? For example, are you afraid that you’ll be robbed or whatever, or do you think the people there who know you would protect you?

There was a time in my life when I passed out frequently so this became a big fear. If I had a friend with me, I was fine. Alone, I’d freak out, because my friend could protect me if I passed out. So, the anxiety didn’t show up then, or if I was in a situation that I deemed “safe”.

How would it be embarrassing for you? Being ill or passing out are not embarrassing. It happens. Everyone gets ill at times. In fact, I’m guessing at least some of the people you hang out with admire your ability to still show up despite your situation, or would, if they knew about it. Why do you assume that they’d condemn you?

If you can create a safer environment for yourself at this hobby, you may lose the reluctance to go. And when you increase the positive vibes in your life, you shine more light into all of your corners. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Thy Freedom Cell September 17, 2012 at 01:25

Erm… I think you misunderstood a little

(that’s another problem I have and it frustrates me to tears, you do it in small ways, less aware people have massive reading comprehension issues or just seem to hear the opposite when I speak… I wish this would stop happening as it is the worst frustration.)

Ok for starters the hobby IS THE SAFE PLACE *ok I’m frustration crying* that is what I’m trying to say!

It brings me joy!

GOING THERE I.E. the travel between home & hobby is the issue….

I thought I was clear but as usual I am not. Feel like I’m not even speaking English most of the time.

Don’t mind me in my impenetrable fortress of speech impediments and unintelligible writings!!!!

So there is no-one I know on the street, on the train, in public…. THE IN BETWEEN is the issue.

Please God make THAT be clear. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life explaining things 10 times just to get to be understood, let alone helped!

Thy Freedom Cell September 17, 2012 at 01:30

Add that to the fact most people DO have reading comprehension difficulties or the attention span of a fly..

I don’t have a chance! Most people skim read things which means they’ll just have to have things explained over and over.
When they could have just read carefully in the first place…. would save them time.

But people are idiots. Or the ones that send 20 texts instead of one simple phone call….

Melody Fletcher September 17, 2012 at 17:34

Alright, just take everything I said about creating a safe environment there and apply it to the way. Can you ask someone to escort you (like a carpool, or they swing by to pick you up?). Can you take a taxi (these are suggestions, I don’t know how far this place is, etc.)? There are volunteer organizations that help people with anxiety. You may be able to find someone who will help you get there while feeling safe. Can you map out safety zones on the way. For example, if you walk there, you may find friendly cafe’s or stores that you could go into and ask for help in the event that you felt unwell. Just knowing that you can do this will help. Figuring out what exactly is triggering you on the way. Are there parts of the path that make you feel more afraid and some less? Can you find a route that triggers you less? For example, if the subway scares you more than walking, don’t take the subway.

I’ve done my best to help you, but the comments section of a blog is going to always be limited in terms of communication. I promise you, I wasn’t skim reading your comments. I stand by everything I wrote, it still applies if you change the location of the trigger. And I can feel your frustration created by a strong desire to resolve this, being contradicted by immense fear that you may never figure it out.

You will figure it out. Maybe not today, but you will figure it out. You cannot have a desire as strong as yours and not have that win out eventually. My advice would be to focus on safety in general. It doesn’t have to have anything to do with the hobby. Just find ways that already make you feel safe and deliberately get into that feeling as much as you can. That will do a lot more to shift your energy to a better feeling place and help you figure out our how to finally feel safe while going to this thing you love than focusing on how no one seems to understand you.

Hugs,
Melody
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Thy Freedom Cell September 18, 2012 at 03:09

Hi Melody,

“I can feel your frustration created by a strong desire to resolve this, being contradicted by immense fear that you may never figure it out.

You will figure it out. Maybe not today, but you will figure it out. You cannot have a desire as strong as yours and not have that win out eventually.”

Oh no- I don’t feel you skim read—other people do.

That’s how I feel about my whole life. Poeple have said I will figure it out years ago and months ago and my entire life.

I’m at the end of my endurance and people can tell me all differnt things will be figured out but they haven’t been. Empty words without solutions or evidence. For years!!! That’s the awful thing. It’s been so long it’s seems forever.
I’m just getting older.
Life is passing me by and I stil don’t know what to do and I’m trapped in this box.

No-one can make me better or hold my hand or get me a job I can do or get me to that job.
I can’t even work. I don’t know what to do.

I cannot afford a taxi…. that’s for rich people with money to blow or have jobs and credit cards and rubbish like that.

I takes 3hrs to walk there. I take the train. i was good the last few days. Nothing about it bothered me.
I wonedered what my problem was,. But when one issue goes away (agorophobia)
another rears it’s ugly head so I’m always battling something in rotation. It’s draining and doesn’t make me feel good.
I wouldn’t mind having ONE problem but having so many makes me look neurotic and dependant on others.
It’s also confusing for my focus as I have so many of them, I feel overwhelmed and highly difficient as everyday living is a massive struggle for me. I don’t knwo what to do or what I’m meant to be doing.

I have no money in the bank or assets or skills. I haven’t worked for years, have no uni degree..nothing…I’m a blank person and this gives me huge anxiety.
I don’t know what to do. I have to conceal this from others as it’s ridiculous.
I’m inside so much I don’t even know basic locations. Its embarrassing as it reveals my shut-in when I try to look normal and start new with people.
They ask if I’ve seen this or that or know where something is and I have to make a reason why I don’t know anything.

A normal person (not you, frankly you are not normal, :-) but that is a good thing, most people are a**hats.) would look at me in a bad way.
At first I’m funny and nice…but when it comes to asking too many questions..I’m doomed… they find out I don’t work. They find out WHY I don’t work.
How I support myself, who I sponge off, that I barely leave my house, that I’m broke and full of anxiety.
That I’m a child in an adult body and I have no clue what I’m doing here.
That I’m essentially not a real person. Then I’ll look needy and sad. And I’m burn red and leave or they’ll leave.
I’ll not want to get close to people lest they find out they are one of my few friends=lame. Unless they are not working or have some issue themselves I don’t feel safe with the majority of people. So most of my friends think I work and I invent a life.
I can’t just break down and cry and admit I’m a jobless shut-in. That will look needy and not friend material.

I am terrified because it feels I am living my entire life like this and other problems and no-one understands HOW LOOOONG it has been as in for years or really gives a a s***.

They just go on with their days not caring. I’m just another comment, person blowing in the wind not getting anywhere.

I need to talk to someone in person. I need an angel.

There is no such thing as these volunteer anxiety people unless you are involved with some mental health team..that will see me like this with my proverbial pants down and stick an “insane” sticker on my head and imprison me. :-)

Mimi September 29, 2012 at 06:58

I was in a relationship for over a year with a really good man. We separated for a few months, got back together and things eventually just flamed out. I learned so much about myself from that experience and how my underlying hesitancy (fear of what people would think) eventually caused him to doubt our relationship as it also reflected my own dissatisfaction with life (impatience). I was hesitant bc he was much older, divorced and in general we seemed incongruent together. His friends would remark that being a beautiful attractive woman I was out of his league, haha. I genuinely liked him, we had a great connection. He’s intelligent, charming, witty and kind. He treated me well, flying me to Paris & spending a long weekend in nice hotels when we initially dated. So what was the problem? He was looking for an authentic relationship and I wanted a companion who was going to make me feel like a princess. At that time I was mired in the quandary of finding my sweet spot career wise. Although I had an amazing startup opportunity getting it off the ground took forever. I was extremely impatient about the project and felt trapped by the inertia of life at that point. All this was obviously well before I found Melody’s blog = ) I didn’t realize that I was unhappy. My perspective about life was a bit sideways.

It’s interesting bc he was also going through a similar professional adjustment in his life. Not being able to do what he wanted also took a toll on his confidence, especially someone who was very successful in his career. Looking back, I realized he ended up feeling like he had to be the good boyfriend when I wasn’t even ready to be in an authentic relationship. I thought I was. So over time it started to feel like a task. I was so used to him catering to me that when he wasn’t fulfilled emotionally I viewed his reaction as an affront. When we got back together it felt amazing! We hadn’t seen each other in months and got together for dinner one night and spent it together. It fizzled a few months later bc the insecurity about our careers rose again. I hadn’t figured out myself the way I needed to and he was concerned about his new job, worrying as a team of people left shortly after he joined. In the end it was difficult to even talk to one another bc there were so many things we didn’t know how to say. I don’t know if he loved me, maybe he didn’t know himself. I did, but I wasn’t connected with myself enough to handle an authentic relationship.

I don’t look to be in relationships rather I’ve always felt pulled into them. Right now I am indifferent to being in one. I write this bc I can’t help but wonder if he and I could be happy given my new perspective and consciously being aware of what I want. And somehow I think we really could, although I have no intentions of reaching out to him nor am I pining away for him. Getting it out in the open is like a pure cleansing for the princess tantrums I subjected him to = ) bc I write this with nothing but fondness and happy energy for him. I know that somehow the universe will align him with those great feelings.

Melody Fletcher September 29, 2012 at 18:54

Hey Mimi,

Wow, you’ve clearly come a long way. And isn’t it great to be able to see your past so clearly? I love it when stuff comes into focus like that. Is it possible that your paths will cross again? Yes. And it’s great that you’re not attached to that outcome. But even if not, that relationship helped you to become more aware. Both of you. :)

Thanks for sharing such a wonderful example of clarity!

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Does No Good Deed Really Go Unpunished?My Profile

Bright Young Thing October 14, 2012 at 15:39

I could not understand Kristen Stewart until this very moment. I just cheated on my boyfriend last night. I don’t even remember with whom. Yesterday he professed his love for me and I for him. It’s the most healthy and loving relationship I’ve ever been in. We both had separate plans for the evening and I went out with some friends got completely drunk and had sex with someone. I woke up this morning alone and naked and crying. Why would I do that?!

I was cheated on repeated and routinely by my first love who still has an emotional stranglehold on me for the past decade. In the past, no amount of prayer, visualization, affirmations have been able to loosen his hold and I always go back to him. So, yes, I knew there was emotional baggage and that I was a self-sabotager but not to this extent!

My current boyfriend is everything I’ve visualized in a mate. We practice LOA together. He would NEVER cheat on me. He would NEVER hurt me. I’m deeply in with love him and was just waiting on him to say it. So how could I do this? This is not who I am! I never even cheated on my ex who cheated on me! I’m a wreck right now. Why would I do this and how can I make it better with the Universe?

Melody Fletcher October 17, 2012 at 18:32

Hey BYT,

First of all, you clearly have some deep fears about allowing yourself to be really vulnerable and getting close to someone. There’s some self-worth stuff in there, too. That’s what manifested here. You had a moment of deep connection and then you freaked out. It triggered all this fear and your lizard brain reacted. It’s the modern day version of fight or flight. I guess in this case you could call it fight or cheat…

You don’t have to make this right with the Universe. The Universe isn’t judging you. But you do have to make it right with yourself. Because this beating up on yourself that you’re doing isn’t helping you at all. I suggest that, if you can, get some assistance in working through this fear that got triggered. If you can’t, try to feel for the fear. How did it feel to you just before you cheated? Have you felt that way before? When memories come up, they’ll give you more information, which will hopefully let you figure out what the fear is all about. Then work on changing the thought you’ve uncovered. In the meantime, try not to be too hard on yourself. That will change nothing. You had a big freak out. The damage can be repaired if you allow it to be.

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Are You Too Intellectual To Be Happy?My Profile

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