An Example of Releasing Resistance in Order to Change a Manifestation

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by Melody Fletcher on July 31, 2012

 

In today’s post, I thought I’d answer a reader question and use it as an example to break down how to release resistance and shift into a better feeling perspective. I’m going to try a little something different today. I’ll offer my advice and then explain why I offered that advice in brackets [like this], to help you understand the technique that I’m using. [You know, so you can apply it to other topics as well. Because I'm nice like that. You're welcome.]

Sammi asks, “I’m currently in a situation where an ex-boyfriend seems to be running a hate campaign about me. I know that I shouldn’t let it bug me. But I do live in a 1-horse town and am seeing that it’s definitely impacting my life.

From an LOA perspective, how do I deal with all this hate directed towards me?”

Be Honest

First of all, even if you know that it shouldn’t bug you, if it does, there’s no use denying it. He’s spreading crap about you and it makes you upset. His actions are triggering you. You have to acknowledge that fully before you can move on. [A lot of people stay stuck right where they are because they're unwilling or unable to acknowledge how they really feel. You can say "Oh, it's not that bad…", all you want. If it's actually bothering you, you'll want to fess up to it. You can't know how to get where you want to go, if you don't know where you are.]

The real question here is, what’s really bothering you? Why does him spreading rumors about you cause you to have an emotional response? What are you afraid of?

Are you worried that his words will influence others’ opinions of you?

Are you worried that his actions will have an impact on your life (lost opportunities, uncomfortable encounters with others, etc.)?

Essentially, you’ll want to ask yourself how HIS actions will impact YOU. Keep in mind that the answer need not be logical or rational (beliefs rarely are). [Defining the root belief that's been triggered is often more than half the battle. Some beliefs can be released simply by shining a light on them. They are so ridiculous, that once they are discovered, there's just no way that you can keep holding on to them.]

Let’s say that you decide that you’re worried that your ex is going to turn the whole town against you. And maybe the horse, too. In the question, Sammi states that it’s already impacting her life. So this belief, that his actions can impact her, has fully manifested into the physical.

It’s just a belief and beliefs can be changed

But whether physical or not, all manifestations are simply mirrors of our vibration. It would be easy to assume that there’s nothing one can do about someone else’s actions (short of tarring and feathering them). But we create our own experience in every moment and when we change our vibration, our experience will also change. That’s the Law of Attraction in Action. [This is where I'd normally queue the action music, but there have been budget cuts lately. *Sigh.*]

So, even if the neighbors have already been affected by your ex’s smear campaign, there’s no situation that cannot be resolved by changing your point of attraction.

Let’s get to work shall we?

Take it to extremes

I often do this with my coaching clients. I blow up a fear or belief until it becomes ridiculous. Aside from often being hilarious, it also really shows just how ludicrous and nonsensical our beliefs often are.

In this case, the fear is: “His hate campaign will turn the whole town against me.”

Allow me to exaggerate wildly: Really? The WHOLE town? Will every single person in the town listen to him and believe him? Are they all brainless drones who follow his every command? Is he a cult leader who has spiked the Kool-Aid, and has the whole town under his spell? Will they come after you with pitchforks and torches, to drive you out of town in the night? [The lynch mob was my own special touch. Because I'm creative that way.]

Try out alternative perspectives

Or, is it more likely that these people, many of whom are probably quite lovely, will make up their own damn minds? Is it possible that many of them will see him and his rhetoric for exactly what it is – a man hurt by a breakup, letting his anger play out in public? Do you think that maybe, just maybe, anyone who’s ever gone through a bad breakup might even be able to relate to you? Has it occurred to you that perhaps some of the people who will be exposed to his hate speech may well decide to be on your side after having been exposed to his venom? [Here, we bring the whole thing back to more realistic proportions, and look for more positive ways to look at this situation. It's not going to be the WHOLE town that's affected. Some people may even react in the opposite way and side with her. The key here is to find thoughts that actually feel better. This is kind of a trial and error process. You try the thoughts out and see if they make your butt look big. ]

At this point, the fear will already have been soothed a bit. We’ve put it into perspective, and found some better feeling thoughts around this subject. But we’re not done. We don’t just want to suffer less, we want to actually attract a different situation. And for that to happen, we have to line up with what we want.

Figure out what you want

Now that you’ve soothed the initial fear, it’s time to figure out what you really want. What would be the perfect, dream resolution to this problem? Your first response may be “for him to die a slow and painful death from genital-rotting syphilis.” And that’s ok. This would be an anger response, and provided you don’t actually inject your ex with the syphilis virus, you’re cool. Go ahead and be angry for a bit. Curse his name. Punch the couch. Write him an angry letter that you’ll never send. This isn’t about him, it’s about you. Letting the anger out will help you to move forward. [You'll notice that while I usually separate out the different emotions, I'm sort of letting them all flow together in this example. Instead of advising you to get angry to release the powerlessness contained in the fear we've uncovered, I'm telling you to figure out what you want and to then let the anger out if any comes. This is because in real life, things aren't organized into neat little boxes. Emotional responses can hit you at any time and in different ways. Not everyone has a huge anger response. Some people move through the different emotions quickly and easily, others get stuck at one point. The key here is to pay attention to how you're feeling and react accordingly.]

Once you’ve released the anger, should any come up, ask yourself again, “What do you actually want?” Dig down deep. You want him to leave you alone. Sure, sure. But why? What will that give you? To find the real goal, it’s often helpful to find the opposite of the fear you’ve uncovered.

So, “He will turn the whole town against me”, may then have caused the following desire: “I want to live in harmony and peace.” [Real goals often sound sort of mushy and emotional. Don't be put off by that. There's a lot of power in that there mush.]

Visualize the outcome you want

Now, instead of obsessing about how many people he’s already turned against you, or what drivel might currently be spewing out of his mouth, which is essentially a negative visualization, focus deliberately on imagining the scenario you’d actually like to see. Visualize yourself walking through the town. People are friendly to you. They talk to you. If your ex comes up in conversation, they tell you that they feel a bit bad for him. Breakups are hard. They don’t want to get involved either way and they don’t hold it against you for a second. They’re not turning against him or you. They see what’s really going on and they’re just letting it be.

Yeah, but…

At this point, look for any doubts or contradictory thoughts that pop up. This is the “Yeah…but” phase. [When you reach for higher vibrations, any resistance you have on the subject will come up.]

For example, as you visualize the townspeople being nice to you, you may suddenly think, “Yeah… but they’re not nice to ANYBODY. That’s not realistic. They’re also total gossip hounds. They’ll eat this up. There’s no way they’re going to keep out of it.”

These thoughts are a manifestation of resistance.

At this point, you can either soothe the resistance (find different perspectives that feel better on each point that comes up) or you can change the visualization until it feels better and more “realistic” to you. [What you don't want to do is to keep visualizing something that you can't actually get behind. You've got to feel it.]

Soothe the the resistance

Is the whole town filled with gossip hounds? If so, won’t they just move on the second some new piece of gossip comes up? Won’t this all be old news soon? Is it possible that some people will give you the benefit of the doubt? Sure, they’ll gossip, but why wouldn’t they also gossip just as much about him? He’s the one acting like an a-hole. These are just some examples of ways in which you could soothe the resistance.

Change the visualization

And/Or, you could change the visualization until it feels better. For example, you could see the people asking you questions and giving you a chance to tell your side of the story. You could see the women commiserating with you, shaking their heads and rolling their eyes all judgmental like. You could see it all blowing over soon, forgotten as the next event steals the gossip headlines. [The point here is that your visualization must meet your goal, feel really good, AND be believable to you.]

If more resistance comes up, rinse and repeat until you can easily visualize the outcome you want and feel great about it.

Practice the visualization

Now, it’s time to give some energy to the vision you want to receive. You’ve lined up with it by finding a good feeling place, but since the vibration of your fear has some momentum behind it (you’ve practiced thinking this thought for some time), you’ll need to counteract that momentum by building up the belief you want to hold deliberately. This won’t take long – even just one 20 minute session of deliberate focusing can undo months of negative momentum. But just to be safe, I usually recommend spending a few minutes each day for several days holding your vision.

Notice the Manifestations

The first manifestation you’ll receive will be emotional. You’ll feel better. [Yes, emotions are manifestations].

Next, you’ll notice that you’re not as worried as you have been. [It'll be easier to think better feeling thoughts and the negative thoughts won't be as automatic.]

And then, you may well start to notice the people around you changing. They will actually get friendlier (or at least, less annoying). The impact you’ve been noticing will diminish. And, providing you keep lining up with the energy of what you want, the whole situation will resolve itself. You may be inspired to be part of the solution (by talking to your ex, for example), or it could all happen without you.

Adjust as you go

As you go, you may discover more resistance or different goals. This is normal. As you raise your vibration, you may well be able to visualize the townspeople as less gossipy. You could see your ex coming to his senses and stopping his hate campaign. While these thoughts weren’t available to you when you started the process, they will be as you reach higher energy levels. This is why it’s important to keep revisiting goals and rework visualizations accordingly. [As your vibration changes, you'll get access to previously unavailable thoughts and ideas. This impacts not only the solutions you can come up with, but also the goals you've set. In other words, your goals will become more enlightened. This is why you don't need to set out to forgive the ex at the start. But that may well become available down the line.]

Now it’s your turn. Was this example helpful to you? Would you like to see more examples like this? Have you ever dealt with someone talking smack about you? Share in the comments!

{ 55 comments }

Kat July 31, 2012 at 19:49

Melody,

This was great! Taking us through step by step in approaching this topic was a great idea and an ideal way to teach it! “It’s just a belief and beliefs can be changed”. Amen to that- as nothing is ever stuck, but transient so everything will come to pass.

Yes, I have been in a similar situation with a cousin-in-law of mine in a property dispute for an apartment that was left to both me and his wife by a deceased relative of ours for which we each share half. My cousin, however, has qualms with the clan and has given over all the say to her husband. I have tried using LOA, and I do feel much better about it, but thus far the manifestations have been all his, i.e. the tenant moved out and no one makes a buck by not renting it out to anyone, as his goal was originally to keep in closed and locked. Not sure if an empty apartment poses a danger to the building (fire hazard) but no one dares to cross this guy, because he is dangerous. He is already in and out of court for unpaid bills and assault. He does not care, as long as he destroys his wife’s clan, because they apparently destroyed his life, according to him. I have a lawyer on this but nothing gets done and I want out. The goal is not even to make a profit anymore, but to not deal with him any longer and avoid paying taxes on empty property. This is in another country, by the way. I wanted to sell it to him, but he would not give me full price on it and I will basically be swindled. Perhaps this is a way out? I do not think he will be willing to buy now, however, since it seems he has everyone by the balls.

I know this may seem amusing to you, and to an outsider it may very well be. It is to me as well. I guess one day in the far, far future this will be dealt with. Perhaps with one of his five daughters with whom he will leave the apartment after he passes. So my future child and her will deal with it. Should I wash my hands of it? I still get news about his erratic behavior from the building’s super (my uncle) and the fact that ? need to deal with the paying of taxes I can’t afford because the place is not generating any income. Any input will be deeply appreciated. :-)

Melody Fletcher August 1, 2012 at 19:21

Hey Kat,

Focus on what you truly want – you’re putting too much importance on the details of this – what you want him to do, or what needs to happen with the house. What is it that you truly want? You say you want out. Great. What would that feel like? You don’t want to have to pay taxes on an empty property. And you don’t want to be swindled (there’s a LOT of resistance around that one. All kinds of beliefs around deserving and worthiness and unfairness, etc.)

If you no longer cared about the money at all (in terms of how much you would get out of the sale) and just wanted to be free of this situation, you could just let it go. You could even sign your part over to him (I’m not saying that you have to do that, my point is that all kinds of solutions open up when you start to take away some of the “requirements”). Let go of the details and think about what you ultimately want, big picture wise. How do you want to feel? Free? At peace? Lock into the core feeling and see what presents itself. :)

Was that helpful?

Huge hugs!

Melody
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Kat August 1, 2012 at 20:57

Yes, Melody, this and all the comments which followed helped a lot! Thank you! This topic had brought so much tension, frustration and anger along with many fights with relatives.

I want to be free of them, feel peace and be happy. I want my heart to be light and I want to glow with health and look younger than my age! I’ll continue with being happy, since this is the pre-requisite for all! :-)

Sammi July 31, 2012 at 20:04

Wow Melody. That was such a detailed answer and now I know how to deal with it, I’m already feeling lighter about the whole situation. I will spend time each day doing the visualising. But I’ll start tonight with doing a longer session.

Melody Fletcher August 1, 2012 at 19:22

That¡s awesome Sammi! Thanks for submitting such a great question. It made for the perfect example to use for this post. :)

Keep us posted on your progress.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Nay July 31, 2012 at 23:42

Hey Melody,

Been there done that. Had a boyfriend I worked with. It didn’t work out, and wow, did he not like it. At first I didn’t know it, ’cause I thought it was a mutual thing. Then I noticed people avoiding me, talking when I walked up, only to, ‘Shh, Shh, Shh!!!’ as I got closer. And it only got worse. I even had people just walk away from me, refusing to speak with me. And I had thought they were friends.

And this was my first experience with this because I had never had a boyfriend in high school, so was facing a major new hurtful experience: abad break-up. I already doubted my appeal because of the lack of boyfriends in high school, and then the worst thing I could ever imagine, people turning on me, making fun of me, all because this guy was saying things about me. And God only knew what he was saying! Was he saying I sucked at sex, my body was ugly, telling all my personal secrets? Talk about devastating. And it wasn’t like I could just quit my job and avoid him and the situation. I had to be there every day, work with this guy and the people who seemed to be on his side. And we all lived in the same area too. (Military Barracks)

It went on for months, until I finally broke. The last straw was someone, who had completly ignored me while the ex was around, came up and tried to speak to me like all was fine. I snapped, yelled at him and told him what a worthless asshole he was since he wasn’t man enough to talk to me when my ex was there but could do it in secret.

Nothing like taking your frustration out on someone else…poor guy!

Needless to say, it seemed to release something. (Now I can look back and see what happened, but didn’t see it at the time.) The experience had shown me what I considered the worst. Instead of just visualizing the worst, I had actually faced some of my deepest fears. Rejection! Having what I considered everyone turn on me, talk about me, and be the butt of jokes in a situation I couldn’t hide from, couldn’t get away from.

But that was what changed everything. Once I was there, it was like, ‘So this is it? This is the way the worst feels? Huh, I guess it could be worse. Some people still talk to me, and some don’t even care what’s going on, just go about their day.’ So I had manifested the ‘worst’, and the reality of it was very painful, don’t ever doubt it. But it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I tried to see worse, and all I could imagine was a lynch mob, saying mean things to me, making fun of me, stoning me while they pointed and laughed. And it was too laughable when I imagined it. I really couldn’t see it getting any worse, and amazingly enough, I had survived the humiliation.

Then things started to change. In my mind I knew it had been horrible, but not as devestating as I had first felt. And then it just seemed to be over. Those who had ignored me suddenly seemed to snap back. I caught the ex literally doing stupid antics behind my back and actually laughed at them, because it wasn’t a big deal anymore. People started telling me he was being an idiot, and to ignore him. And lo and behold, me and the ex actually started speaking again.

Were we best buds after that? Not a chance. But the tension was gone. He moved on, and so did I. The memories weren’t gone, but they didn’t seem to hurt any more. And all those people I thought had turned on me hadn’t. They just didn’t know how to deal with the situation when we were both around, so avoided ending up in the middle by avoiding one of us. And it’s so much easier to avoid the one who doesn’t talk behind the others back, cause it’s less likely you will end up being the next victim of their viciousness. (I have no doubt there are many who fear that kind of rejection.) It’s awkward and difficult for those who have to deal with the breakup, especially when friends with both individuals.

So dive right into those fears, and see what the worst is. I found my experience to be terrible, but trying to imagine it getting worse was laughable, and my world didn’t stop. Once I realized that, I just felt better. And once I did, things just got better!

Melody Fletcher August 1, 2012 at 19:27

Wow Nay,

Thank you for sharing that example! It so perfectly illustrates the whole process. You had a fear of rejection, if manifested in a huge way. When you had the realization that you had faced your fear and exaggerated the fear to the laughable extreme, you shifted your perspective. You let it go. And everyone around you began to mirror that back to you. Beautiful! Of course, we can always see this process so much more clearly in hindsight, but it still holds true. :)

Thanks so much for adding so much of your wisdom to this blog.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Lizardbreath August 1, 2012 at 05:12

Wow, just wow. Thank you so much for this! I’d like to break the whole article down and have it tattooed on my forehead. Backwards, of course, so I could read it every morning in the mirror and inspire myself. :)

Melody Fletcher August 1, 2012 at 19:29

LOL Lizardbreath! You could just tape it to the bathroom mirror. Might be less painful. But you know, you do what you gotta do. On Youtube. With a link to this site prominently displayed.

Just putting that out there… :lol:

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Paige | simple mindfulness August 1, 2012 at 07:46

Yes, I’ve had dirt slung at me in the very small town where I live. Fortunately I don’t associate much with the people there so I didn’t care. No impact on me.

I loved how you dissected the whole thing with your reasoning behind it. After reading it the first time, I went back and applied each step to a different situation I’m dealing with. Gold! Thank you Melody!!

Big Big Puppy Hugs!!
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Melody Fletcher August 1, 2012 at 19:30

Hey Paige,

Thanks so much for your kind words! The idea is that this can be applied to any subject, and I’m so glad you were able to do that. :)

Huge hugs!

Melody
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Aileen | Kaizen Vision August 1, 2012 at 07:51

That’s an awesome response to the question/situation. Such an informative and detailed analysis and teaching. Love that!!!!
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Melody Fletcher August 1, 2012 at 19:30

Thanks so much Aileen!

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Saurabh Sisodia August 1, 2012 at 11:40

“Focus on what you want”
i can say that i have read this line over 1000 times on your blog :-D and i love that
but a little ,tiny and very small problem……

i dont know what i want.
what is my passion and what is the purpose of my life.
i have asked this question to you earlier also.
you told me that you will write a blog post about it.
i have been waiting for that post for about i month.
i am not telling you that you have forgotten to write but its just that i am very eager for that. its very difficult to live without purpose.
passing each single day is very much difficult.
please try to write on that topic fast.
thank you mell…… :-)
and sorry if i was rude .

Melody Fletcher August 1, 2012 at 19:32

Hey Saurabh,

The post is coming, don’t worry. But honestly, don’t wait for this post before you can feel good. Get off the subject of your purpose, get really general and just find any old way to feel good (that will be part of the process, by the way, so you might as well get started on that now). :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Saurabh Sisodia August 2, 2012 at 19:14

well what i want to say is this:

i have interests in some subjects and i really want to get started but i cant decide which one to choose. see i have 3 choices.

1. i am a good singer so i can learn singing from an expert and then practice more and more and become a great singer.
2. i am also good at writing poems so i can start writing poems and then try to publish the collection of them as a book.
3. i can start blogging (but i dont know the topic to write on)

so you see that is why i am eager to find my passion so that i can start on the right track. you can say that i have a fear of failure here. that is if i choose a wrong track then i would fail completely.

if i get to know among these three which one is right for me then i can start off early.

Melody Fletcher August 2, 2012 at 22:41

Saurabh,

You’re thinking too specifically. You’ve picked activities logically and now you’re trying to figure out which one to DO, instead of allowing yourself to be inspired to your passion.

How do you want to feel? Why do you want to be a singer, or poet or blogger? What will those things give you? Keep asking why and dig down further.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Saurabh Sisodia August 3, 2012 at 09:12

wow, what a nice answer!

really awesome.
from now onwards i will just focus on the feeling good.

you told me to dig down further and when i did i found out that i want to be famous and abundant.

Melody Fletcher August 3, 2012 at 14:39

Hey Saurabh,

Good work. Abundant is a core emotion. Famous is not. Why do you want to be famous?

Hugs!
Melody

Saurabh Sisodia August 4, 2012 at 18:47

i wan to be famous so that more and more people like me and love me for my work, for what i do for them.
being famous is something i really want in any field.
whenever i think of achieving any goal like becoming a singer or a poet or a blogger i think about doing something that will make me famous in that work.

Alice August 6, 2012 at 07:49

Hello Saurabh Sisodia,

A different gender, different skin colour, different age… Yet I could’ve written your questions.

If you are like me you want to do something where you are creative and have freedom to follow that passion.
You have multiple creative interests and other interests (in my case interest as wide as science, art, mechanical, delivery, animals, nature, philosophy..)
I have my main passion in.. the list is too long.. some main choices ..one includes writing too.

The core feeling is abundance, desire to be appreciated, loved, respected, have friends and do what you truly love–not just an office job.

You are not afraid of failure. You are afraid once you pick something and it doesn’t work out– you’ll waste time, money and have to start again.
Fear of being trapped in that choice.
Of what others would think every time you change your mind.

The feeling of being lost and needing to make a choice. Also others around you may have put pressure on you.

I’m looking forward to that blog too. It is hard to focus on what we REALLY want when the pressure of time and money jumps in.

I hope you feel better soon. :-)

Alice August 6, 2012 at 07:56

I think the fame thing we have is that FAME= love, respect, appreciation, people know who you are..

You don’t want your writing to be invisible in some dusty cabinet somewhere. That feels pointless. You want it to be famous so others can read and enjoy.
So you get credit for your work.

Also fame brings the money and abundance–the freedom to do anything we want.

Fame is like that feeling you have when secretly you want to count for something.

Melody Fletcher August 6, 2012 at 18:27

Hey Saurabh,

Ok, there’s some discord in there. It’s not wrong to want to be famous, but if you want to be famous so that you can feel validated and loved, then you’ll want to address the core of that desire.

Fame is a by-product of sharing yourself with others so openly that more and more people are attracted to what you provide. If you need to be famous so that you can feel good about yourself, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. So, for you, I’d recommend focusing on ways to feel validated, loved and respected now.

Whatever work you do (and let the ideas come to you, don’t force it), you should do it for the love of it. Not only does that feel better, but it will help you to attract more good to yourself. Staying in that vibration of love and passion and fulfillment will draw people to you much faster. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Nay August 1, 2012 at 22:47

Hey Saurabh,
Just wanted to say that what she is saying works!!! I am just like you; no idea what my purpose is and have been hoping and searching for years, SO pissed off because I wasn’t finding it and didn’t have a clue where to start. So of course I ended up here at this blog… :-)
I started working at going general about 1 or 2 months ago. And I am already feeling better. And when I say general, I mean general. Things I would have considered stupid and totally useless before. Because all the general is just that, and I was so TIRED of the general. So what? Who cares about the every day mundane. I want to be excited about my days, not just trudging through them! So why would I even care to look at the general? I’m looking for an exciting purpose, not the same old same old! And I felt like saying, ‘the next person who says appreciate the little things is gonna get punched!’
But I was missing it totally. I had to quit trying to find excitement where I didn’t really feel it. I had to really think about the things in my life that I did like. What I truly appreciated, and forget the thing that was pissing me off; my lack of purpose. And I had to DIG because I wasn’t used to finding things that I already enjoyed. It wasn’t immediately there because my vibration was so low.
So the ‘general’ for me started with one of my dogs…yeah, my dog. And I like dogs but am not the kind who thinks ‘animals are everything.’ This dog just makes me happy. And I have kids, so it sounds bad that I couldn’t appreciate them, but they didn’t make me feel better, sad but true. The dog always makes me laugh. ALWAYS! Which made me feel better.
Then the next thing that popped up was how that dog made my son laugh and smile. And it seemed to grow from there. I could see more and more that made me feel good. But I had to find something so simple it felt stupid at the time. And yes it takes practice. I can dive right back into my habit of not finding much joy in anything because, ‘Hello, I don’t feel like this is my purpose!’ was always running through my head, making it a very strong vibration.
I haven’t gotten to my purpose yet. But I don’t feel as stressed about it. I enjoy things more than I did, which is making my days better, which is making it easier to enjoy all kinds of things.
Now I just KNOW my next purpose is there waiting, as stupid as that may sound. So work at being general in finding the good things for you because it can start with the little things. (Don’t punch me!)

Melody Fletcher August 2, 2012 at 17:28

So beautifully stated Nay! This is exactly how it works. All we need is to find ONE thing, no matter how small or arbitrary it may seem that truly makes us feel better and then focus on that relentlessly. LOA will take care of the rest. :)

Thank you SO very much for sharing your experience here!!

Huge happy shiny puppy hugs for you!!

Melody
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Saurabh Sisodia August 2, 2012 at 19:16

thank you very much for sharing this .

please read the my above comment.
what you have to say about that nay

Nay August 3, 2012 at 04:08

Wow Saurabh,

I wish I had a great answer like Melody, but I’ve got so much to learn!!! What I say here is my opinion because I seem to be in the exact same place as you.
I thought about this for a while, because again, I feel your pain. There are things I want to do, and I want to get better at them, and I want to find my life’s purpose so keep hoping that one of these are ‘IT.’ But I’m learning it doesn’t quite work that way.
So I guess first you need to ask yourself HOW are you really thinking of these things? How you are feeling about them? You say you are a good singer so believe if you got better with training and became a great singer you could make that your purpose. In essence, you are really focused on, ‘Could this be my purpose? God I hope this is my purpose. If I go to all this trouble and it’s not my purpose, I will be pissed!’ Which is pure stress. And it’s possible you do this with all of them. And fear of failure probably plays a part, but to me that’s not the real issue.
You are forgetting to do something for one purpose: because it makes you FEEL GOOD. I think you are so focused on finding your purpose that you are more anxious about that than doing these things for the joy of them. Or you are so anxious about finding your purpose that you know you’re good at things and could probably get better with a little work so you think should pick one and run with it. But you are forgetting about the importance of what you love to do. What makes you feel good? When you do any of these, do you feel great?
And I can guess, if you’re like me, you used to really enjoy all of them, and they are still fun, until you start putting pressure on yourself to find your purpose. As soon as you do that you start taking yourself away from where you need to be: feeling good. If all of them make you feel good, do them, and do them for that reason only. Hell, the way I see it, you could do all three at the same time; write poems, put them to song and then put them on a blog! But if you’re only doing it because you hope you’ll finally find your purpose and everything will be grand, you’ll keep slipping back into that place of need. Because the joy of them has been dimmed by your need, you feel like, ‘Crap, this must not be my purpose, because it just doesn’t feel that great.’ So you’ve sucked yourself away from the real you. The one that just wants you to be happy and enjoying what you do.
Now, after saying all that, I’m doing the same thing as you. I want my purpose so bad, that the one thing I used to really enjoy doing has lost its flare for me. I’m so worried about it being that ONE purpose and making money doing it, that I’ve lost some of the joy. I’ve thrown out the fun for the purpose, I guess.
So as Melody said, you’re being too specific. You’re trying to cram one of these into the box you’ve made out of finding your purpose. You think you can fit them into that box and make your purpose come from them. Let go of that box, that need to fit them into making what you think you need. Find the feeling. When you feel good, you CAN’T fail. You’re just enjoying yourself without any need to get somewhere or make something from that.
I hate to keep going back to this, because I have such a hard time with it too, but it’s all about feeling good. It’s not about finding anything specific. When you are doing something, does it feel good, period? When you let go and do things for the pleasure of them, you can’t help but feel better, which is what has to happen in order to get where you want to be; a place where you are doing something you love, and you feel content in just that thing.
Man, I talk a LOT. Wish I could be more succinct. Melody’s gonna kick me off for taking up so much space! But I truly hope you get something from this, because I can see it, and sense it, and am starting to feel it, and I haven’t felt this good in years. So I know that what Melody is telling you is THE answer. Don’t be specific, be happy. Don’t try to pick what you think will WORK, just enjoy what you are doing. Because the joy and the fun ARE your purpose, as hard as that is to see right now. When you are loving what you do, you are already on the right track. You don’t have to pick!

Saurabh Sisodia August 3, 2012 at 09:08

“But I truly hope you get something from this, because I can see it, and sense it, and am starting to feel it, and I haven’t felt this good in years”

when you say these lines you are absolutely right. i am getting what you want to say and yes i have started feeling the joy already.
thank you so much nay.
that has really helped a lot.
thank you once again :-)
:-D

Melody Fletcher August 3, 2012 at 14:43

Perfect answer Nay!! I love that you took the time to write such an awesome response, thank you. And don’t you worry. I’ll never kick you off the blog for being awesome. Sheesh. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Nay August 3, 2012 at 21:57

Go Saurabh! You just keep digging for that better feeling. That one thing, in that one moment, which makes you feel great!
And thanks Melody. Glad you think it was awesome cause I’m just thinkin’ I talk TOO much!!!!

S August 4, 2012 at 06:49

LOVE your response Nay :)

Alice August 6, 2012 at 08:06

Nope. If Melody didn’t kick me off a month ago when I thought I talked too much.. you are not getting kicked off.

I’ve stopped being paranoid about that now. :-)

Nay August 6, 2012 at 22:07

Thanks S and Alice.
I LOVE this blog. It just changes your whole perspective! :D

Mike August 1, 2012 at 20:26
Mike August 1, 2012 at 20:33

Btw, do you have a search on the site Melody? I just Google “site:deliberateblog.com desired keyword” if I want to search, but I don’t think many people know about that. Maybe putting a search bar in your sidebar or header would be beneficial.

Mike

Melody Fletcher August 2, 2012 at 17:30

Hey Mike,

I had it there and removed it because it didn’t come back with very good results. But I’ve put it back now (top right hand corner of the page), because people have been asking for it. I also recently added a Tag Cloud (list of all the tags) at the bottom of the right hand navigation bar, to make it easier to find posts. It’s getting harder even for me to find past posts, he, he.

Thanks for the suggestions! :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Sisterhood of the World Blogger’s AwardMy Profile

Aylin August 1, 2012 at 23:48

Again again a fantastic article,at the right time ! :)
I think your article has also been a manifestation for me as well,reading it gave me a relief and reassured me that I’m on the right track.I’ve been realising my weaknesses day by day,my fears like being criticised or being avoided.I’m taking it as an answer to me,you’re awesome Melody ! And I know that everyone learns about herself/himself while reading your blog.
Love :)

Melody Fletcher August 2, 2012 at 17:32

Hey Aylin,

Thanks so very much for your kind words! And I’m so happy that this post helped bring you clarity. I hadn’t even planned on writing it this way. I was just going to answer Sammi’s questions as part of another multiple question post. But then this came out. And it felt really good. I love how I’m always inspired in the moment to write whatever post best matches the audience’s question at that time. Yay!

Huge hugs!
Melody

Veronica August 2, 2012 at 05:01

Was just wondering how this technique could be applied to a big fear?

I had a friend of mine robbed at knife point in a tunnel. I work in an industry where I hear many stories of women getting raped. As a female I can’t help but feel insecure after hearing such things. I’m quite short and small, weigh 105 pounds and could easily be dragged away somewhere or held down.
I like my jogging, but sometimes feel very frightened when out and about alone.

When I blow this fear up, it doesn’t get comical or lessen the fear. Sure the idea that every single person is a a mugger or rapist is absurd- but then I think that at least one of those people could be. The chance is slim, but still enough to strike fear.

Been reading about LOA and still a newbie to the concept of point of attraction. Would it be wise to avoid being alone until I change my point of attraction?
Would being afraid of something make it more likely to happen to me?

Melody Fletcher August 2, 2012 at 17:43

Hey Veronica,

This technique can theoretically be applied to anything. It’s not the size of the fear that counts. What matters is if it actually brings you relief. There will be issues that will be resistant, like this one. When the “danger” is actually a physical danger, the taking it to extremes doesn’t work. This part of the process actually usually breaks the connection between the danger we perceive and our physical well being. That’s usually the most ridiculous part. When you’re actually afraid for your life, that won’t work.

In your situation, you’ll either want to find a way to stop being afraid or find another place to jog. You don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you feel chronically unsafe and do it anyway.

One of the things you can do is to take a self defense class. Not only will you be able to defend yourself, but you’ll get even more value from KNOWING that you can defend yourself, which will make you feel a lot safer. You can take a rape whistle or pepper spray with you (learn how to use it), to help you feel safe. Again, you’ll want to use these tools IF they make you feel safer. If they make you more aware of the danger, then don’t.

Your worst case scenario is that you might get mugged or raped or murdered. And in order to soothe that fear, you have to be able to answer the question, “what happens if you get attacked?” Find a way to provide answers. Like “I’ll kick his ass and I know how. I know that my body will respond in a crisis because I’ve trained it to”, or “I only walk and jog where there are plenty of people. If I yell or blow my whistle, they will come to help”, or “I’m a very fast runner. I’ll run away”, etc. You must find a way to answer that question in a way that actually feels better.

If you can’t do that, find a different neighborhood to jog in.

I wrote a post about what to do if you don’t feel safe (is it your intuition or is it fear and what should you do): http://www.deliberateblog.com/2011/11/08/when-you-sense-danger-is-it-intuition-or-prejudice/

I hope that was helpful.

Huge hugs!
Melody

Claire August 2, 2012 at 05:57

Hi Melody

Your words make me think. Just now I was listening to Echart Tolle’s CDs “Practicing the power of Now”. Therefore, I have a few questions in my mind:

- Does visualisation make us absent from the now moment?
- How can we make our visualisation pure (i.e. no interference of negative vibration) when we try to fix (moderate) something negative in our lives?

Echart says we can feel a sense of relief when we are fully present in the now moment, which I agree. However, when we try to release the resistance, aren’t we putting ourselves into the past again?

I am not sure if I am making myself clear. But I feel better now that I have spoken my confusion out.

Melody Fletcher August 2, 2012 at 17:48

Hey Claire,

All we ever have is the present moment – how we feel right now. When we let go of trying to fix this moment, we feel relief (it’s the same relief that comes during meditation). When we stop pushing against something and acknowledge how we feel RIGHT NOW, a lot of the stuff we push against and that we’re afraid of falls away.

So, even when we look at the past or the future, we are still feeling our feelings NOW. This is why it’s so nonsensical to sacrifice feeling good now in order to hopefully feel better tomorrow. That will never work.

If we recognize that and make how we feel NOW the priority, then any tool we use to feel good will be beneficial. Notice, I don’t just say “visualize what you want”. I make a HUGE point out of paying attention to how you feel while you do it. It’s a way to take the energy of something you’re focusing upon regularly in a way that doesn’t feel good (now) and move it to a place that feels better (now).

Does that make sense?

Huge hugs!
Melody

Alice August 6, 2012 at 08:13

Melody,

Why is it that you give great advice and I can see how this can apply to me… yet I always need SPECIFIC answers and can’t really get 100% without nagging for my own version of the answer in a blog post.
That seems ungrateful of some good writing. But I can’t help it. I want answers for MY particular situation and can’t seem to read the general gist of it. Unless the situation was VERY similar I just don’t get it.
What’s with that?
Spiritual dumbness?
Happiness fail? LOL

My specific mind must have some purpose to it. I have to tear apart everything. I’m the annoying person that watches a movie like e.g. the last Batman.. a FAKE show and has to question stuff like “how does Bane eat????”

Yep. Like that is important to just sitting back and enjoying.

Melody Fletcher August 6, 2012 at 18:32

It takes a while to see the whole picture. When you do finally see the underlying patterns, then everything starts to make sense. But until you do, it can be hard to transfer one situation to another. That’s ok. A lot of people have that issue, which is why I write about different topics. If everyone got it the first time, I’d be done.

Ok, now I want to know, too. I can see how he heats, but how the hell does he go to the bathroom? Does the rubber start to smell after a while (wetsuits get a major stank on, might his latex suite, too?). Does he have to babypowder himself to squeeze himself into it? ;)

An inquiring mind is not a bad thing. Questions ultimately lead to answers. And the more of those you get, the clearer it will all eventually become.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Veronica August 7, 2012 at 07:23

I’m doing the work and applying this to a situation in my life. I can relate to Sammi in some ways.

My SO and have the same hobby. We do that together often. We made mutual friends. I struggle to make friends so this is important to me.
He got sick of seeing me there because he already sees me so often and the relationship is not in the best place.
So I tried to make other friends besides the mutual ones. There are more men there so I made a few guy friends.
Then he also ended up befriending these people….

I feel very upset about this because I went out of my way to give him some space and meet other people.
Then he got involved with them too. He started becoming hostile and dominating the friendship with these people.
Now all of a sudden they are “the guys” and I’m in the way.

These guys like us both but like him more and if we are both there they prefer him.

“The real question here is, what’s really bothering you? What are you afraid of?”:
What bothers me is I get along well with men more than women but every male friend ends up as his friend.
As immature as this sounds the best description is he “steals” my male friends and turns them into “one of the guys”
I am afraid being female puts me at a disadvantage. I’ll be the sex attraction but not a real “mate”
I’m afraid that even though I want friendships with men they’ll always favor other men. That I can’t compare to men in general. That my gender makes me an “annoying bitch” that men don’t want to hang out with.
I had one male friend but it turns out his main interest was sex and not my company.

Are you worried that his words will influence others’ opinions of you?:
Yes, because they have. They see me as a pain when they used to like me. They blame me for issues with him. I have become the tagalong. They seem to have forgotten I met them first.

Are you worried that his actions will have an impact on your life (lost opportunities, uncomfortable encounters with others, etc.)?
Yes. That the men will do things without me and not want to include me because of my gender.
That it will turn into a stupid battle of the sexes and that they expect me to make female friends when it’s them that I like.
I shouldn’t have to make “female” friends by force. I have female friends but because I wanted to.
His focus on me as the tagalong increases the label and my own insecurities. It’s made things worse.

The extreme has already happened as now I’ve lost confidence with interacting with males.
I feel I can flirt with them or attract their interest enough for a conversation but they don’t call me or just include me in the group.

The female friends I have are tomboys or misfits. I don’t have many super chic friends. I don’t relate to the pink wearing, gaggling hens. I don’t want “ladies night” I want to be accepted with the “guys” as equal not inferior. I feel blocked out from them.

That’s where I get stuck.
Not sure which belief to tackle or where to get started. Not even sure if I know what really bothers me here.

Veronica August 7, 2012 at 07:26

Ugh! Melody feel free to clean that up! The paragraphs and spacing are so hard on the eye! I’m sorry for blinding people!

Keyboard use=fail!

Melody Fletcher August 7, 2012 at 23:27

Ok…

So it’s clear that your boyfriend is diffusing any male relationship you may enter into and rendering it harmless. He’s jealous. If you want to make male friends, don’t include him in the process. :)

The problem with male/female friendships is that this area is LOADED with limiting beliefs. A lot of people don’t think men and women can be friends. I disagree. But I’ve found a few rules to be helpful (these rules help to diffuse some of the beliefs. They are not Universal rules).

1.) Don’t try to hang with single guys. This will be very difficult for your SO to handle, putting further stress on the relationship. The assumed sexual tension (not always assumed, though…) will be a lot for him to handle.
2.) If you hang out with guys who have a gf or wife, be totally upfront about it. Both of you. The gf needs to know about it and be ok with it. If not, that’s not the friend for you. Also, if the guy wants to lie about it, he’s trying to sleep with you. Just saying.

From an LOA point of view, you’re very aware of being an “outsider”. You’re aware of the inequality between men and women and you don’t like it. But it’s this awareness and the negative emotion around it that’s telling you that you do have a belief that boys don’t like playing with girls and that girls are seen as weaker. That’s apparent in the discord I felt when you described girly girls as well. This really has more to do with how you see yourself as a woman and how you think the world sees women than anything else.

Clean that up and you won’t need the above rules anymore. You’ll make all the male friends you want. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Veronica August 9, 2012 at 04:27

Dear Melody,

Thank you so much. Your answer is better than anticipated. It not only answers the question, but pointed out things I hadn’t noticed before. I think you are a very clever lady. I think you’d be good at chess.

“So it’s clear that your boyfriend is diffusing any male relationship you may enter into and rendering it harmless. He’s jealous. If you want to make male friends, don’t include him in the process.”

I didn’t think he was jealous. It’s obvious now you mention it. I thought I was simply annoying him because the relationship hasn’t been well. I thought this was about me and him not wanting me around.
Yet this jealous behaviour, demonstrates his attraction to me. What a confusing man he is!
To push me away with one hand and destruct my chances of running off with someone else with another. (What does that mean? What is a smart move here?)

I’ll have to remember his clever tactic in regards to his female friends. I don’t think I am as skilled at him at this game though. :-( This might lead to the females ALSO favoring him!
It’s irritating that his cleverness here is also attractive to me. I don’t like his mean behavior, but I like the intelligence behind it. (Does this admiration send the Universe mixed signals? does it give the universe the idea that I like bad treatment?)
I want the intelligence to be used for positive, or to benefit us.

1) Where I am single men are the majority. I don’t have a large selection of (Interesting/mature) women to choose from.
I didn’t expect this answer either. When I’ve been jealous of some of his female friends he just got angry with me.
Yet he has been jealous of my male ones in secret this whole time! He was just crafty enough not to verbalize this like I would.
I am an open book where he is more mysterious. That puts me at disadvantage.

2) Oh! Well I’d never want to make another woman feel like this. I’ve never cheated and I’ve never stolen a man from someone else.
I wouldn’t know if they were single or not most of the time. I assume they are by default a man would be more likely to be single in this context than married because they are pretty young. My point of atraction also doesn’t seem to bring many married men into my life. I grew up in a single parent family so ring finger isn’t something on my mind.
Someone in deep love often doesn’t shut up about the one they love! They come up in their daily conversations.
As I’m not looking I wouldn’t really ask unless it was part of the conversation. I guess the only way I could follow this advice is if the partner was standing right there frowning at me/looking sad/worried. I’d take the hint and leave them be! :-)

Being a bit insecure myself, I’m pretty considerate of those things.

How did you overcome the global belief that tips the scales slightly in favor of men on average?
I know that this is not always the case, but on average it is 60-40 equality. Or worse.
How did you change this point of attraction?

Especially in Barcelona! Surely that’s worse than America/UK/Au. in terms of women befriending men. Even in a country where male-female friendships are common and normal.. there’s still that struggle.
Don’t know how you’d do that in a country where it would be slightly abnormal. At least America had “FRIENDS” (I know that’s old) but even then they ended up dating and not being just friends with most of those characters-that’s a good example how even pop-culture mirrors that global belief.

How do I clean this up?

Have a lovely day Melody.

Melody Fletcher August 9, 2012 at 17:26

Hey Veronica,

First of all, your boyfriend may not even be aware that he’s jealous. He may not be reacting consciously. Don’t expect everyone to be totally self aware. Most people are not.

Second, good God, lady, where do you live? A majority of single men?? I know of busloads of ladies who will be there tomorrow, lol.

And third, you clean this up by not seeing yourself as inferior or weaker. It has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you. I don’t pay much attention to how many male friends I have, but considering, I have some gay male friends, some married male friends (whose spouses are totally ok with them being my buddies), and some single male friends (that are mostly totally platonic).

I really like being friends with guys. They offer an interesting perspective. But I treat them like brothers, for the most part. That’s how I see them. And I don’t see myself as somehow lucky if they’re friends with me. We are both lucky to have found each other and I just enjoy my time with them, whenever it happens.

I don’t have any Spanish male friends. You’re right, it’s not normal for a man to be friends with a woman here. I had a really good work friend, but that evaporated when I left my job (the Spanish do not mix their personal and professional lives). All of my other friends are foreigners. I don’t really care about that, though.

It does take time to shift such an old, ingrained belief (this is not just something you decided yourself. It’s much older than that). It’ll take some real focus and practice to start seeing yourself as totally equal to men (in worthiness.)

But as always, focus on yourself and how you feel. Oh and don’t play games with your boyfriend. You are self aware, even if he isn’t. You know better. Figure out what you truly want and go for that. There’s no need to go the passive aggressive route. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Veronica August 10, 2012 at 03:12

Hi Melody,

Another thing I hadn’t considered… He is not as self-aware in some aspects. I’ll be mindful of that.

Those busloads of women probably wouldn’t see them! :-) They came with too much need!

That’s some soul searching. I get very feminist and furious about any notions about inferiority. I believe it is individual and any person that has enough passion and puts in the hard work will succeed.
A woman can train in the physical or mental disciplines and excel. The winner would be the most passionate, hard working and motivated individual.
I tell people this often.
The only reason woman may not be as physically strong is lack of training. Jet Li is a very petite man and proves that it is not the size, but the skill of the fighter.
A similar premise could apply to the mind. It’s what effort you put in.

But you still get men thinking that unless she were a Dyke, a female could never excel at this or that sport as well as a man. The fact the genders are split at the Olympic Games mimic this idea that females just couldn’t compete with the men.

My problem most likely comes from not being able to break that rule myself. I have no interest or passion in training that hard. So all my points for the value of women are all theory. I cannot personally back up my claims. I would be more credible if I were the living example.

That’s where the inferiority comes from. I know women are equal and more than capable of excelling physically and mentally. I just cannot personally surpass this level of physical and mental capabilities. I am intelligent, but not as skilled as my boyfriend/men I know or as physically talented. I don’t have the drive or motivation to achieve this- I just know in my heart if I wanted to- I could.
But they don’t believe that. It sounds like an excuse.

Passive agression… I know that’s a trait of mine. What exactly is it and why do people do that?

Thankyou very much Melody.

Melody Fletcher August 10, 2012 at 18:31

Veronica,

The main issue is that you believe that others don’t think that women and men are equal. You’re putting all your focus on your perception of their perception. It’s like you believe that we are equal, but we still have to prove it, because they don’t always know it yet. And so, you often feel like you need to prove yourself.

Stop seeing yourself through the eyes of others (and actually, how you think they see you), and start looking at yourself and women in the way you want to see yourself and them. You don’t have to fight inequality. Just truly see us as equal. Lead by example. :)

Well, I think there’s a blog post in there somewhere.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Veronica August 13, 2012 at 03:40

Hi Melody,

Sorry for the belated reply.

There certainly is a huge number of females struggling with this issue. Some even believe they are indeed inferior.

Maybe the blog could address a few issues of overcoming these things. When global reality reality reflects these feeling it is harder to break through.
How can one believe they are equal if society does not treat them as such?

This could apply to African people in America who are still convinced society will give them the short end of the stick.
This could apply to any person with a chip on their shoulder where society does indeed reflect that belief.

Personally I’ve lived in areas where white skin is a minority and a problem so I can relate to Africans in America where they are the minority.
There is always a minority and being that person isn’t fun.

Mental illness could be included if the person lives in an ignorant area full of stigma.

Any chip. This would affect many, many people. Although it may be easier to choose one thing and stick to that but mention as a side not it could be applied to any other chip.

Male-female would be the best example as it affects women of ANY race all over the globe.

Melody Fletcher August 13, 2012 at 17:27

Hey Veronica,

I’m happy to address these issues in blog posts in the future. These aren’t going to be easy, because beliefs like this are so complex, but I’ll do my best. Race and gender inequality issues do come up quite frequently in coaching clients, but I’m still looking for some common threads that I can really explore in the forum a blog post provides. Stay tuned. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Delving Eye August 31, 2012 at 17:01

You know that Heineken ad, with the chick singing: “I’m gonna write what I want you to do to me in a letter.” ? Well, just email yourself what you want to hear from someone/people. It really works!
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Melody Fletcher August 31, 2012 at 21:50

Fantastic idea, Delving Eye! I love it!

Huge hugs!
Melody
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