In today’s post, I thought I’d answer a reader question and use it as an example to break down how to release resistance and shift into a better feeling perspective. I’m going to try a little something different today. I’ll offer my advice and then explain why I offered that advice in brackets [like this], to help you understand the technique that I’m using. [You know, so you can apply it to other topics as well. Because I'm nice like that. You're welcome.]
Sammi asks, “I’m currently in a situation where an ex-boyfriend seems to be running a hate campaign about me. I know that I shouldn’t let it bug me. But I do live in a 1-horse town and am seeing that it’s definitely impacting my life.
From an LOA perspective, how do I deal with all this hate directed towards me?”
First of all, even if you know that it shouldn’t bug you, if it does, there’s no use denying it. He’s spreading crap about you and it makes you upset. His actions are triggering you. You have to acknowledge that fully before you can move on. [A lot of people stay stuck right where they are because they're unwilling or unable to acknowledge how they really feel. You can say "Oh, it's not that bad…", all you want. If it's actually bothering you, you'll want to fess up to it. You can't know how to get where you want to go, if you don't know where you are.]
The real question here is, what’s really bothering you? Why does him spreading rumors about you cause you to have an emotional response? What are you afraid of?
Are you worried that his words will influence others’ opinions of you?
Are you worried that his actions will have an impact on your life (lost opportunities, uncomfortable encounters with others, etc.)?
Essentially, you’ll want to ask yourself how HIS actions will impact YOU. Keep in mind that the answer need not be logical or rational (beliefs rarely are). [Defining the root belief that's been triggered is often more than half the battle. Some beliefs can be released simply by shining a light on them. They are so ridiculous, that once they are discovered, there's just no way that you can keep holding on to them.]
Let’s say that you decide that you’re worried that your ex is going to turn the whole town against you. And maybe the horse, too. In the question, Sammi states that it’s already impacting her life. So this belief, that his actions can impact her, has fully manifested into the physical.
It’s just a belief and beliefs can be changed
But whether physical or not, all manifestations are simply mirrors of our vibration. It would be easy to assume that there’s nothing one can do about someone else’s actions (short of tarring and feathering them). But we create our own experience in every moment and when we change our vibration, our experience will also change. That’s the Law of Attraction in Action. [This is where I'd normally queue the action music, but there have been budget cuts lately. *Sigh.*]
So, even if the neighbors have already been affected by your ex’s smear campaign, there’s no situation that cannot be resolved by changing your point of attraction.
Let’s get to work shall we?
Take it to extremes
I often do this with my coaching clients. I blow up a fear or belief until it becomes ridiculous. Aside from often being hilarious, it also really shows just how ludicrous and nonsensical our beliefs often are.
In this case, the fear is: “His hate campaign will turn the whole town against me.”
Allow me to exaggerate wildly: Really? The WHOLE town? Will every single person in the town listen to him and believe him? Are they all brainless drones who follow his every command? Is he a cult leader who has spiked the Kool-Aid, and has the whole town under his spell? Will they come after you with pitchforks and torches, to drive you out of town in the night? [The lynch mob was my own special touch. Because I'm creative that way.]
Try out alternative perspectives
Or, is it more likely that these people, many of whom are probably quite lovely, will make up their own damn minds? Is it possible that many of them will see him and his rhetoric for exactly what it is – a man hurt by a breakup, letting his anger play out in public? Do you think that maybe, just maybe, anyone who’s ever gone through a bad breakup might even be able to relate to you? Has it occurred to you that perhaps some of the people who will be exposed to his hate speech may well decide to be on your side after having been exposed to his venom? [Here, we bring the whole thing back to more realistic proportions, and look for more positive ways to look at this situation. It's not going to be the WHOLE town that's affected. Some people may even react in the opposite way and side with her. The key here is to find thoughts that actually feel better. This is kind of a trial and error process. You try the thoughts out and see if they make your butt look big. ]
At this point, the fear will already have been soothed a bit. We’ve put it into perspective, and found some better feeling thoughts around this subject. But we’re not done. We don’t just want to suffer less, we want to actually attract a different situation. And for that to happen, we have to line up with what we want.
Figure out what you want
Now that you’ve soothed the initial fear, it’s time to figure out what you really want. What would be the perfect, dream resolution to this problem? Your first response may be “for him to die a slow and painful death from genital-rotting syphilis.” And that’s ok. This would be an anger response, and provided you don’t actually inject your ex with the syphilis virus, you’re cool. Go ahead and be angry for a bit. Curse his name. Punch the couch. Write him an angry letter that you’ll never send. This isn’t about him, it’s about you. Letting the anger out will help you to move forward. [You'll notice that while I usually separate out the different emotions, I'm sort of letting them all flow together in this example. Instead of advising you to get angry to release the powerlessness contained in the fear we've uncovered, I'm telling you to figure out what you want and to then let the anger out if any comes. This is because in real life, things aren't organized into neat little boxes. Emotional responses can hit you at any time and in different ways. Not everyone has a huge anger response. Some people move through the different emotions quickly and easily, others get stuck at one point. The key here is to pay attention to how you're feeling and react accordingly.]
Once you’ve released the anger, should any come up, ask yourself again, “What do you actually want?” Dig down deep. You want him to leave you alone. Sure, sure. But why? What will that give you? To find the real goal, it’s often helpful to find the opposite of the fear you’ve uncovered.
So, “He will turn the whole town against me”, may then have caused the following desire: “I want to live in harmony and peace.” [Real goals often sound sort of mushy and emotional. Don't be put off by that. There's a lot of power in that there mush.]
Visualize the outcome you want
Now, instead of obsessing about how many people he’s already turned against you, or what drivel might currently be spewing out of his mouth, which is essentially a negative visualization, focus deliberately on imagining the scenario you’d actually like to see. Visualize yourself walking through the town. People are friendly to you. They talk to you. If your ex comes up in conversation, they tell you that they feel a bit bad for him. Breakups are hard. They don’t want to get involved either way and they don’t hold it against you for a second. They’re not turning against him or you. They see what’s really going on and they’re just letting it be.
At this point, look for any doubts or contradictory thoughts that pop up. This is the “Yeah…but” phase. [When you reach for higher vibrations, any resistance you have on the subject will come up.]
For example, as you visualize the townspeople being nice to you, you may suddenly think, “Yeah… but they’re not nice to ANYBODY. That’s not realistic. They’re also total gossip hounds. They’ll eat this up. There’s no way they’re going to keep out of it.”
These thoughts are a manifestation of resistance.
At this point, you can either soothe the resistance (find different perspectives that feel better on each point that comes up) or you can change the visualization until it feels better and more “realistic” to you. [What you don't want to do is to keep visualizing something that you can't actually get behind. You've got to feel it.]
Soothe the the resistance
Is the whole town filled with gossip hounds? If so, won’t they just move on the second some new piece of gossip comes up? Won’t this all be old news soon? Is it possible that some people will give you the benefit of the doubt? Sure, they’ll gossip, but why wouldn’t they also gossip just as much about him? He’s the one acting like an a-hole. These are just some examples of ways in which you could soothe the resistance.
Change the visualization
And/Or, you could change the visualization until it feels better. For example, you could see the people asking you questions and giving you a chance to tell your side of the story. You could see the women commiserating with you, shaking their heads and rolling their eyes all judgmental like. You could see it all blowing over soon, forgotten as the next event steals the gossip headlines. [The point here is that your visualization must meet your goal, feel really good, AND be believable to you.]
If more resistance comes up, rinse and repeat until you can easily visualize the outcome you want and feel great about it.
Practice the visualization
Now, it’s time to give some energy to the vision you want to receive. You’ve lined up with it by finding a good feeling place, but since the vibration of your fear has some momentum behind it (you’ve practiced thinking this thought for some time), you’ll need to counteract that momentum by building up the belief you want to hold deliberately. This won’t take long – even just one 20 minute session of deliberate focusing can undo months of negative momentum. But just to be safe, I usually recommend spending a few minutes each day for several days holding your vision.
Notice the Manifestations
The first manifestation you’ll receive will be emotional. You’ll feel better. [Yes, emotions are manifestations].
Next, you’ll notice that you’re not as worried as you have been. [It'll be easier to think better feeling thoughts and the negative thoughts won't be as automatic.]
And then, you may well start to notice the people around you changing. They will actually get friendlier (or at least, less annoying). The impact you’ve been noticing will diminish. And, providing you keep lining up with the energy of what you want, the whole situation will resolve itself. You may be inspired to be part of the solution (by talking to your ex, for example), or it could all happen without you.
Adjust as you go
As you go, you may discover more resistance or different goals. This is normal. As you raise your vibration, you may well be able to visualize the townspeople as less gossipy. You could see your ex coming to his senses and stopping his hate campaign. While these thoughts weren’t available to you when you started the process, they will be as you reach higher energy levels. This is why it’s important to keep revisiting goals and rework visualizations accordingly. [As your vibration changes, you'll get access to previously unavailable thoughts and ideas. This impacts not only the solutions you can come up with, but also the goals you've set. In other words, your goals will become more enlightened. This is why you don't need to set out to forgive the ex at the start. But that may well become available down the line.]
Now it’s your turn. Was this example helpful to you? Would you like to see more examples like this? Have you ever dealt with someone talking smack about you? Share in the comments!