If Everyone Wants a Hottie, How Does Anyone Ever End Up With A Not-ie?

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by Melody Fletcher on June 28, 2012

 

Dear lovely readers,

I am currently on a weeklong  Spa vacation in Austria. While I’m gone, I’ve decided to publish one reader question per post.  Enjoy!

In all of the descriptions of guys women want to attract in relationships, they usually mention someone attractive and handsome and fit. I have a question. If all the women want great looking guys (or most of them at least) where do the obese and not great looking guys go? And if they in turn want great looking women, where do the not great looking women go?

I know everyone has a different definition of ‘attractive’ and they might not all rank ‘looking great’ as the highest factor on their mates list. But assuming that everyone wants to be in a relationship with an affectionate and romantic guy, then where do the ill tempered and cold guys go? Won’t all the romantic ones get taken?

What an excellent question! I will have to give you a multi-faceted answer:

Everyone says the want a hottie, but WHY do they want that hottie? They want someone that they are really attracted to, someone that rings their bells, and in many cases, someone that they can show off to the world, which is really a desire to be approved of. So, you may date a bunch of hotties, because you think that’s what you really want, but you can’t seem to find anyone to fall in love with. That’s because being attracted to someone physically isn’t the only thing on your list. When you focus on what you really want and line up with it, the Universe brings you what you truly want – someone that makes your knees weak and whom you can deeply connect with.

Second, what exactly is a hottie? One could argue that we have set a certain standard of beauty in our society. And a lot of people will tell you that they don’t agree with that standard. We each have our own, personal list of what we find attractive and often, that list looks nothing like a Hollywood casting sheet. And it’s entirely possible to be deeply and passionately attracted to people who would never qualify to be a model, and isn’t it lucky that this is so, considering that almost everyone in the world would not? There are people who cannot understand how someone might be attracted to an obese person, and yet, there are whole websites devoted to those who are. “Attractive” is a very subjective term and no one gets to decide what another person finds sexy. And thank goodness for that.

And third, you may really want someone attractive and romantic. But you get what you line up with. And a lot of people’s vibrations aren’t anywhere near the frequency of what they want. In fact, we often line up with and attract the exact opposite of what we truly want. No one wants to be in an abusive or unhappy or loveless relationship. But many have beliefs that keep them stuck there.

 

{ 20 comments }

shbni June 28, 2012 at 13:07

:D
i was the one who asked you this question.

Melody Fletcher June 28, 2012 at 23:41

Thanks so much for asking it Shbni. I think you represented a lot of people here. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Philip Harris June 28, 2012 at 14:34

If there is “real’ love in a relationship, then you have a hotie! Appearamces aside

Philip Harris June 28, 2012 at 14:34

appearances

Kat June 28, 2012 at 19:11

good one!

Melody Fletcher June 28, 2012 at 23:42

Exactly Philip! :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Riley Harrison June 28, 2012 at 15:00

I guess it depends on what turns your crank. I’ll take someone whose company is stimulating (emotionally and intellectually) and who makes me feel good over an individual who is a “hottie” but couldn’t spell cat if you spotted her the first two letters. You better have something that endures once the newness of the physical attraction wanes.
Riley
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Kim June 28, 2012 at 23:33

CA….. (tuh, tuh, tuh). Oh hell, I give up. Good post! Funny!

Melody Fletcher June 28, 2012 at 23:46

LOL Kim! :D

Kim June 29, 2012 at 00:07

Hey…shouldn’t you be wrapped in mud and cucumbers! Go relax!

Melody Fletcher June 28, 2012 at 23:46

Right you are Riley! I’ve met many “hot” men who turned into uggos the second they opened their mouths. I’ve also met men who were just average on paper, but who became very interesting (read: hot) as I got to know them. For me, personally, personality, presence, confidence, intelligence, etc. have A LOT to do with the hot factor. Physical appearance isn’t completely off the list (I’d be lying if I said it was), but it’s really quite flexible when the other factors come into play. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Laura June 29, 2012 at 00:56

And let’s not forget the way we’re treated by the other…that has much to do with attraction as well, especially in the long haul. Someone can get real ugly when they start treating you like crap.

Melody Fletcher July 2, 2012 at 15:26

Too true, Laura. Kindness is a very attractive trait. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Kat June 28, 2012 at 18:50

With men I know for a fact they fall in love with the women with whom they feel most comfortable, free and the ones that “do it for them”, i.e., have that spark that lights up inside. These women may not be as successful, hot, smart, rich, etc, but they have that something which is hard to explain that make the guy fall for them. Men may date the hotties and go through a string of them, but when you ask a guy about his loves, they always answer that they can be counted on one hand and not even half of all the fingers are used. This from my experiences.

Women dream about and date hotties as well, but I think it is all about how they are treated that is the deal breaker. Of course, some women stick with a guy just because he is a guy, no matter how he treats her and speaks to her, even to the point of terrible abuse, but there are deeper issues in these cases. I have known men who have done the same, but again, issues such as low self-esteem and culture (you stick to your person) play a part here.

One thing I did notice when I was dating was that those getting married first were actually not the incredibly attractive people. I do not mean any offense here, by any means, please do not get me wrong. All people have their own qualities. It is just that those who got married first were the ones with just the one and only boy/girlfriend, the ones no one expected to marry so soon. They were not knock-outs objectively or anything. Yet, they found partners who committed to them. At least, that is what I observed. Also, the really attractive people marry later on.
Great topic!

Melody Fletcher June 28, 2012 at 23:52

Hey Kat,

You make a great point. Being what our society would consider hot does in no way guarantee that you’ll find love sooner or even that you’ll be happier. Many “gorgeous” people have horribly low self esteem. They don’t have to, of course, and not ALL do, but in my experience, they are often more focused on looks than their more plain counterparts, and not always in a constructive or helpful way.

I’d like to make a case for being truly “attractive”, meaning, good at attracting what you want. Those who are connected to Who They Really Are are often seen as attractive (beautiful), even if they don’t measure up to Hollywood’s standards. They just seem to have something that others are attracted to. It’s called happiness. :)

Huge happy shiny puppy hugs!
Melody
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Sylviane Nuccio June 28, 2012 at 22:30

Hi Melody,

yes, that’s right what is exactly a hottie? when I read that I went back 25 years when I was in love with a famous French actor (which I by the way attracted to my physical world using the law of attraction which I didn’t know anything about back then)

But to get back to our subject. If you’d look at the guy he didn’t have the “standard traits of beauty”, but to me and lots of other females he was HOT! The guy was never handsome, but he was hot utill well over the age of 60. So, hottie is what hottie is for whom it is :)
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Melody Fletcher June 28, 2012 at 23:53

Hottie is as Hottie does, eh Sylviane? ;)
Couldn’t agree more. And congrats on the “hot” manifestation!

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Becca June 30, 2012 at 16:02

Thanks again, I plan on reading, comprehending and wrapping my head around all of this.
thanks for the share.
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Melody Fletcher July 2, 2012 at 15:27

You’re so welcome Becca. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Gauri May 24, 2013 at 15:22

Many people settle for people way lesser than what they want as they don’t believe they can get any better. I have seen countless women who married literally ugly guys and the women themselves admitted these men are far from attractive and many men who married ugly women because they believed they had to settle down. And a romantic or attractive person gets taken also has nothing whatsoever to do with their attractiveness. I myself have met countless hopelessly attractive dudes who were single and miserable for years. I personally know one hopelessly attractive guy (a rich hunk doctor) whom all the girls consider as ‘most wonderful’ and all the girls want a guy ‘like’ him (including me) and yet, no girl wants ‘him’. Even the girls who considered him extremely hot (including me) didn’t want to date him. I saw this in front of my eyes.
In some instances, people are so love-blind they cant see that the so-called prince charming in front of them is actually an ugly frog in disguise :) LOL when there is chemistry, there will be attraction, and sometimes chemistry happens with a not-very-attractive dude or girl.

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