Can I Use LOA To Get My Husband To Take Out The Trash?

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by Melody Fletcher on March 18, 2012

Stop me if this DOESN’T sound familiar: You see your husband at breakfast, just before the two of you rush off to your respective jobs. It’s chaos. You get the kids off to school, having packed their lunches, signed their permission slips, and mediated their fight about who has cooties (or the Black Death. I’m not sure what kids these days are afraid of…). And in between sips of coffee and a quick kiss on the cheek, you ask the love of your life to do ONE STINKING THING: To take out the garbage. And he says he will. But you already kind of know that he won’t. And sure enough, when you get home that evening, there it is: the garbage bag. Still in the kitchen where you left it this morning, taunting you. And then, when the man who makes your heart sing comes home, the avenging angel of household chores and Patron Saint of Overreactors bursts out of your chest and eats his face off. Or something like that.

When you find yourself getting irrationally angry or hurt by little things like a garbage bag, an unmade bed, a forgotten anniversary or the not-so-perfect birthday or Christmas gift, you’re never actually upset about what you think you’re upset about. It’s always about something deeper.

It’s never about the garbage

It’s never about the bag of garbage, it’s about what the bag of garbage has come to represent. The incident has triggered a deep seeded insecurity of some kind (or several) and when you find yourself completely losing your shit over something so seemingly minor, you’ve assigned a tremendous amount of meaning to this otherwise, unimportant task.

In your mind, your husband taking out the garbage has come to represent his love/devotion/respect/etc. for you. And his failure to take out that garbage now represents his lack of love/devotion/respect/etc. for you. Meanwhile, your husband, for whom the bag of garbage is just a bag of garbage, has no idea why you’ve gone to your crazy place.

And yes, this once, I’m talking pretty much exclusively to the ladies here (not ALL ladies, but enough to allow me to generalize a bit). Women tend to yearn for security in relationships and since the people closest to us are the most powerful mirrors of our beliefs, both limiting and otherwise, our romantic partnerships tend to trigger our insecurities and abandonment issues. Men, on the other hand, tend to want freedom, so their partnerships tend to trigger their fears around being controlled, smothered and trapped. Attracting a partner whose insecurities cause her to go apeshit over a bag of garbage, by the way, plays right into those fears.

What’s really bothering you?

So, when you find yourself overreacting about something like a bag of garbage, take a moment, calm down, and ask yourself, “What’s really bothering me?” Or, if this is impossible, do it after you’ve scraped your husband’s remains off the ceiling tiles. You know, when you get a chance.

What do you feel like when you look at that bag of garbage? Sure, you’re probably annoyed and frustrated. And on the surface, you could say that you’re angry because he promised to do something for you and he didn’t. But honestly, if your best friend came by today and you asked her to take out the garbage on her way out and she forgot, would you feel the same emotions? Would you be angry and hurt? Or would you give her the benefit of the doubt and think “She probably just forgot.” The bag of garbage would simply be a bag of garbage.

When your hubby forgets, however, you go just a little bit bonkers. Why? What has the garbage come to represent to you? What does his REFUSAL to take out the garbage (which is also in your head; forgetting is not the same as consciously refusing) say about how he feels about you? Does it mean that he doesn’t respect you? That he doesn’t realize how hard you work (and that probably no one does?) Does it mean that he doesn’t love you enough (because if he REALLY loved you, he’d take out the damn garbage!)? What’s really being triggered here?

He can’t read your mind

It’s time to let your husband off the hook. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that he shouldn’t help around the house, or that he’s not being inconsiderate, or that it’s all your fault. I’m making no such declarations. What I am saying is that your husband has no idea that you’ve come to see the taking out of the garbage as a representation of his love for you. To him, it really is just a stupid bag of garbage and whether or not it gets taken out today is pretty much irrelevant to him. The garbage is irrelevant, not you. The association between the garbage and his love for you is in your mind, which he can’t read. This is why he acts so clueless when you yell at him about the garbage. This is why he doesn’t “get” it and never will. He’s not being hard headed and he’s not refusing to understand you. It’s just that it never occurred to him that some seemingly tiny and insignificant action like putting the cap back on the toothpaste or putting the toilet seat down or noticing your new haircut could represent the width and breadth of his feelings for you. And if you really think about it, how could he possibly know that?

He’s telling you how he feels

Your husband is telling you how he feels about you all the time. He’s just not doing it in the way you’ve determined that he must. He’s not doing it in the way that you show love. When he takes your car to get the oil changed without even being asked, he’s telling you he loves you. When gets angry because your mother said something hurtful to you, he’s telling you that he loves you. When he gets stressed because he’s not making as much money as he’d like to, and can’t provide for you the way he fantasized about, he’s telling you that he loves you. Not just men and women, but people communicate very differently and we all associate love with different actions. One person may say “I love you” with flowers and chocolates, while another says it by mowing the lawn.

Just because someone expresses their affection differently than you do, doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Tweet this.

Think about this: What does your husband do for you that you may have been taking for granted? He can’t read your mind, and you can’t read his either. Just as you tell him that you love him by cooking his favorite meal, he may well be doing the same thing in a myriad of ways. He may not understand what that meal means, and you may not understand what cleaning the garage means. And how could you? Unless of course you become a little more self-aware and you actually talk about it.

Admit to the crazy

Now, ultimately, the goal is for you to release those insecurities, so that you’re no longer afraid that he doesn’t love you and all the triggers fall away. But while you’re working on that, it’s totally possible and even acceptable to let your husband in on the associations you’ve made and ask him to help you. This is the man who loves you. And I promise you, he’ll be much happier gaining some insight into your psyche, no matter how off its rocker it is, than getting the rolling pin to the noggin’ for something he should know, but if he doesn’t, you’re not going to tell him, damn it.

For example: You bought a new dress. It makes you feel beautiful and sexy and you’re hoping that when you see your husband that night, he’ll go all googly eyes, be gripped by an almost animalistic passion and jump your grateful and validated bones. But when he comes home, he’s tired, pecks you on the cheek, turns on the Sports Channel, and pops open a beer. For you, this means that he no longer finds you attractive. For your husband, it means that he’s tired and his laser like focus on unwinding blinded him to the new dress.

Now, if you realize that you really kind of need him to notice your sexiness and ravish you, it certainly speaks to an insecurity which you’ll want to address. But since a lifelong insecurity may take a little time to let go of, you can also text your husband before he gets home with: “Bought new dress. Feeling sexy. Need you to ravish me. Stat.” Chances are, your husband’s afternoon will take on a whole new flavor, causing him to rush home and possibly even kick in the door before swaggering into the house with a resounding and enthusiastic “Daddy’s Home!” Or whatever it is that married people say to each other…

Talk to your husband. Tell him that when he tells you that he loves you, it makes you feel wonderful. Tell him that you need him to tell you in words, not because you don’t know that he loves you, but because you need to hear it in order to feel that good. Your man will be grateful if you tell him how to make you happy. Share your neuroses, as long as they’re reasonable. Hell, share them anyway, but don’t expect him to comply with everything. The point is, once you’ve told him, he at least has a choice. If the action you’re requesting is something small and insignificant to him, he’ll probably have no issue giving in, once he understands how important it is to you.

If the action is ridiculous or triggers his own fears, then you have even more to talk about. He can explain to you why he thinks your request is unreasonable or what he’d be willing to do instead to show you how he feels. By talking about it openly, honestly and authentically, you both have a chance to get what you need from the other and stop disappointing each other in ridiculous and unnecessary ways.

Admitting your problem is the first step

Once you’ve become aware of whatever insecurity was being triggered, and even better, have said it out loud to someone, chances are very good that this trigger will lose a lot of its power. Simply naming your insecurity will cause you to notice when you’re feeling this way and will often be enough to stop you from blowing up. Being aware of how you feel is the first step in being able to notice your reactions and change them.

Instead of demanding that your husband take out the garbage, ask him to do it and explain to him what it means to you. Give him a chance to understand your fears and soothe them. Let him reassure you that he loves you in whatever way works for both of you. And then, the bag of garbage, can just be a bag of garbage again.






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{ 68 comments }

Jason Fonceca March 18, 2012 at 18:56

Finally, someone who understands that I bought those new boxers FOR ME, so *I* can feel sexy and loved.

Hmph.

You go, girl!

:P
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Melody Fletcher March 18, 2012 at 22:31

Ahahahah Jason. Wait… you found boxers that make you feel loved?? Must be some pair of boxers, he, he.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Jason Fonceca March 18, 2012 at 22:42

That was me making fun of chicks ‘feeling pretty, oh so pretty, and witty and gaaay.’

But now that you mention it, they’re actually Ed Hardy black boxer-briefs with bold red trim and the passionate, gaping maw of a tiger on the c*ck part.

I’m warrior, tiger-blood, y0.

There ya go, who describes their boxer-briefs in detail on a Law Of Attraction blog?

I do :)
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Melody Fletcher March 18, 2012 at 23:15

Ok, ok. I will admit that the perfect pair of jeans can take my self esteem to a whole new level. However, I have never in my life felt gaaaay. Nor have I danced around the room singing “I feel pretty.” I’m more of a “I’m too sexy for my shirt” kind of gal. Ha.

I have to stop now because my head is filling with dirty, dirty jokes to make at your boxer’s expense (Tigers are part of the feline family. Perhaps that motif would be more at home on a woman’s panties. I shall say no more, because not even I am that dirty. In public.)

What LOA blog invites detailed conversation about boxer-briefs? Mine does. Admit it. This is why you come here. :P

Hugs!
M
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Jason Fonceca March 18, 2012 at 23:44

Call me a Tiger or a Tigress, Melody, but choose wisely — one of those will make me feel masculine and get you closer to me, the other one’s just silly :P

Take yer pick ;)

And I *am* that dirty. In public. I once fingered a girlfriend up against the glass door of a FedEx store on Bloor St., and that’s not the boldest I’ve been.

And I come by here for a number of reasons, but let’s keep the mystery for now
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Melody Fletcher March 19, 2012 at 15:11

Wow. That was oddly specific. LOL. I wonder if anyone from FedEx reads this blog…

Yeah, maybe just a little mystery… :D

*sprays you with disinfectant* then Hug,

m

Derrek March 19, 2012 at 18:37

I guess we can say that Jason’s girl …. came right On Time.

Melody Fletcher March 20, 2012 at 00:33

Bad Derrek! Bad, Bad Derrek!
:P

Jason Fonceca March 20, 2012 at 01:24

HahHHAHaaha… Derrek, dude you are the greatest!

Ahaha :)

Oh my.
(“note, that’s what she said”)
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Jason Fonceca March 20, 2012 at 01:28

Well, when you’ve lived something… you’ve got *details*.

Oh don’t worry, lots more to be discovered about J :D (and we both know you’d rather spray me with oxytocin :P )
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Alice August 22, 2012 at 07:06

Would you ever let HER do that to you in public? Like you have to walk around all hard with splooge in your pants? ;) And SHE gets to feel all inflated about that.
Huh, pal? :) It should be equal.

Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca August 22, 2012 at 07:22

Adorable :)
Thanks for commenting.

I could write pages about “shoulds” and people’s idea of masculine/feminine “equality”.

I won’t here though.

Keep rockin’, Alice.
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Alice August 22, 2012 at 07:36

Wow! Fast response. No worries. I saw many of your comments but I just had to say that. :-)

Well let us know what you mean by that and equality if you have a link to stuff you’ve written about it.

Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca August 23, 2012 at 00:47

Hehe, yep, I happened to be in “comment mode” when you posted :)

As for explaining myself further, maybe one day, when the time + place is right :D

I have a strong, personal policy with myself that I only engage in discussions that feel they’ll be powerfully uplifting, fun, and easy for all parties involved.

For example, most chats about the wisdom of marketing and successful sales I’m invited to have by “artists who refuse to ‘sell out’ ” — I skip.

It’s a recipe for an annoying discussion that helps and moves no one.

As for stuff I’ve written about it, there’s some here:

http://ryzeonline.com/polarity-the-language-of-sex-men-women-have-differences

Keep ryzin’, Alice :)
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Alice August 23, 2012 at 01:36

Hey I read your article. Nice. Your stuff is good–just like the layout of Melodys’ blog for commenting/my eyes a lot better.

I’ve always loved the Ying and Yang and when you said at the top that those energies don’t necessarily (damn that’s always hard to spell) belong to either gender that was even more great. :-)

I remember reading only one other article of yours.. on the masculine and feminine traits and thinking the feminine traits were a total snooze fest!!!

The “masculine” qualities- hell they were all great! Actually Melody has alot of them too.
Anyone loving life has more of these masculine qualities than those boring feminine ones.

We don’t live in the 1920s’ where women just surrender to men. They get out and have a creative, happy, fantastic life!

So I see by your answer you would like having a partner that made you hard in public as there’s a balance and not just one person doing everything or having all the fun! :-)

Interesting also about energies. I’ve often “taken turns” with the one I love when we were both struggling in depression.
One would be happy whne the other was sad. It always got swaped around.

With my best friends…psychics or empaths have a great amount of trouble telling us apart! Sometimes they’ll send me a text and I’ll get confused who it is from until I read the sender…as the energies are so similar.
When we walk into a room with an empath they always exclaim how my best friend and I feel almost identical and just feed off each other and raise each other up.

So that is a bit different to what you said as we really get along great!
Having an energy twin is also pretty cool when writing texts, emails etc you can imagine the pranks!

They met us in person and are like “It really is 3 different women!!! Oh my god!”

At least we look different. Sheez! :-)

Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca August 23, 2012 at 08:00

Thanks so much, Alice :)

I love your enthusiasm and expression.

I love that you seemed to get so much out of my articles.

You’re totally welcome to take what you can from them, but I don’t think I ever said exactly what I like, specifics wise, and I see all traits as fun and having their time and place.

If you seriously wanna date me, and it was mutual, I’d probably take the time to explain things further :P The people who are most important to know what I like… are my sexual partners lol.

In general though, most people stay in the dark about my preferences – cuz to explain my personal views on men, women, and sexuality – especially specific details, would take, like, a book. (which I can see myself writing :D )

I can’t analyze you and your friend without knowing you both, but either way I’m glad you’re happy, raised up, and enjoying life — that’s what I’m all about :D

Great stuff, miss :)
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Alice August 23, 2012 at 08:09

Again I was just logging out of my email and your reply popped up.

I just realized the personal nature of my comments! Well you are right I get enthusiastic.

Now I think about it..I don’t wanna know!

And my own relationship is in an alien category not going to discuss here either.

Whatever you’re doing lately with your energy got my attention. I passed your avatar many times.
But I had to reply to something this time.

:-) great work!

Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca August 23, 2012 at 15:27

All good, Alice.

I’m not really “offendable”, and I don’t take things personally :) I can talk about anything, and I’ve learned to choose my discussions well :)

I love that we’re connected and I ‘got your attention’, and I’m glad you expressed :)
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Derrek March 19, 2012 at 08:55

I knew the LOA would bring me to a site that’s both enlightening, dirty, and slightly weird at the same time. I just didn’t think it’d be the same blog that’s about the LOA. Oh, LOA…you tricky lil’ devil you!

Melody Fletcher March 19, 2012 at 15:14

Apparently, this blog serves many purposes. It is what you need it to be, Grasshopper. And apparently, what you need is a bit of dirty, weird enlightenment. Ha.

Jason Fonceca March 20, 2012 at 01:25

I gotta be honest, Mel and I are pretty similar, and what you described sounds a lot like RyzeOnline.com ;)
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Derrek March 20, 2012 at 05:13

Aha, LOA strikes again! TWO sites with dirty, slightly weird enlightenment?!

This must be my lucky day! (note, THAT’S what she said) ;)

Jason Fonceca March 22, 2012 at 01:38

Actually, Ashley Ambirge’s Middle Finger Project and Johnny B. Truant’s sites also dance around these topics, albeit a lot less LoA-focused.
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kelli cooper March 18, 2012 at 18:58

Hi Melody
Great insight with this post. Whatever triggers our craziness is very rarely ever about the issue at the moment. That is why you hear stories about someone killing their spouse because they bought the wrong peanut butter or something like that! I know at one point some outside stressors were leading me and my boyfriend to fight a bit more and we rarely fight like that, more like having discussions. Being someone that is very self-reflective, I was always aware that there were bigger issues at play and they were fueling my behavior. We are honest with each other to a fault and while that may sometimes involve us saying things to each other that might be tough for the other to hear, it really helps prevent a lot of tension. We all have a different perspective, different ideas of how things ”should” be and what not and that definitely can cause its problems, especially when it comes to romantic relationships which carry a bit more of an emotional charge . While it is beyond cliche, communication is so important! But cliches are so for a reason, they are usually very true!
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Melody Fletcher March 18, 2012 at 22:33

“That is why you hear stories about someone killing their spouse because they bought the wrong peanut butter or something like that!” Ahahahaha! So true.

I think people roll their eyes at the concept of “communication” because there’s a prerequisite that they don’t usually know about, and that’s self awareness FIRST. Otherwise, you’re just shouting insults at each other and reacting from a place of pain. To me, communication isn’t the goal. Authentic communication is. :)

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are powerful and effective teachers for one another. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Paige | simple mindfulness March 19, 2012 at 02:49

Your comment on communication is so true! My husband and I spent years “communicating” via insults and unconscious reactions based on old hurts (many of which didn’t come from our own relationship). We kept repeating the same arguement cycle until we started to become aware of our own triggers.

Now, if I let loose on him, while I may rant, I’m also telling him what’s really going on in my head and taking responsibility for my nutty behavior. This way he knows I’m not attacking or blaming him but simply having a hard time expressing myself and asking for his help and support. The outcome is dramatically different.

I loved reading this article. It reminded me of the old me and how far I’ve come. Thanks for another brilliant post Melody!
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Melody Fletcher March 19, 2012 at 15:16

Thanks Paige! It’s so scary at first to admit to our fears and neuroses. We don’t want the other person to see our crazy. The thing is, they see it anyway. Only, instead of them feeling helpless and even defensive about it, now we have a chance to work through it together. We have to own the crazy. And when we do, well, as you said, the outcome is drastically different.

That should maybe be on a TShirt: “Own the crazy”. Ha.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Dawn March 18, 2012 at 19:21

This goes to any relationship…not just romantic ones. Working on this is continual. I learned a lot from my failed marriage…about not receiving or relaying the right information in a way this is understood by the other party. I am also working on this with my own kids, coworkers, potential lovers…and even myself.

Great reminder…and I think it might be just what I need right now.
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Melody Fletcher March 18, 2012 at 22:35

That’s totally true, Dawn. The concepts apply to all relationships. I was just using the whole husband/wife/garbage bad thingy as an example. Authentic communication will transform any interaction with another human being. Good for you for teaching this to everyone around you! :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Leace March 18, 2012 at 19:48

This was great Melody! I wish I understood this when I was married!! I see so many “young” couples in this ‘trap’ and I hope they find a way to your articles!! But, as stated by another reader, this can be applied to other relationships too. I have found that this often happened when my “adult” children were living with me. I would find that we treated our friends, or even strangers better than we treated each other!!

Thanks again!!
Leace

Melody Fletcher March 18, 2012 at 22:36

Hey Leace,

We tend to treat our families worse than others because they trigger us more than others do. This is the value of family – they annoy us more than anyone else and are willing to show us the darkest of our most limiting beliefs. It’s uncomfortable, but ultimately, the most healing, if we choose to pay attention to the messages. :)

Thanks for adding your valuable perspective here!

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Leace March 18, 2012 at 23:15

Thanks Melody,
I guess its about time that I start paying attention to those messages!! WOW!! I clicked on the link above and read for the first time about using metaphors to change self esteem!! This is so powerful and fun. Something I have never seen before!! The first thing that came into my mind was this one…

“I am the sun…guarentee to be there first thing in the morning, always looking different, yet amazing….bringing light to everyone that wants to bask in it….always ready to set in the evening…calmly…always looking different, yet again… amazing!!”

What do you think?

Leace

Melody Fletcher March 19, 2012 at 15:18

Hey Leace! That’s beautiful! What a wonderful vision to have of yourself. I’d sit with that a lot if I were you. I’m sure it feels amazing! Yay you! :D

Huge Hugs!
Melody
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Mary Carol March 20, 2012 at 02:32

Hi Leace,

What a powerful metaphor! It would make a great meditation. Let your light shine!

Mary Carol
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Leace March 20, 2012 at 03:02

Thanks Mary Carol! That was not only the first time I came up with a Metaphor, but its the first time I had ever heard of it. BUt, I love what you wrote about “Let your light shine”!! I think I’m going to remember that one!!

Thanks again!
Leace

Vishnu March 18, 2012 at 23:50

Hey M – great article as always. This line – Instead of demanding that your husband take out the garbage, ask him to do it and explain to him what it means to you – is going to explode women’s creativity. Instead of please take out the garbage, I think men now will hear the reasoning of how garbage = love, respect, devotion, loyalty. And I think by suggesting that women express their meaning in the act of taking out garbage, you’ve set up a brilliant ploy – in that no man is going to sit around to listen to how him taking out garbage is going to fulfill someone’s soul. Bottom line – man takes out garbage to avoid hearing about meaning of taking out the garbage! Brilliant:) lol

Melody Fletcher March 19, 2012 at 15:27

Oh Vishnu, LOL, are you telling me that the men of today are not interested in getting to know their women on a much deeper level? Now sure, if a man isn’t all that self aware either, he may decide to take the garbage out just because it will stop triggering his wife. He wants her to be happy and if this little gesture means so much to her, then he’s wiling to do it. The wonderful thing is that once you admit to the neuroses, they often just sort of melt away. They don’t make any sense (which is why we’re afraid to admit to to them in the first place). And once we bring them into the light of day, we see how ridiculous they are.

But yeah… either way, the crazy is diminished. :D

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Vidya Sury March 19, 2012 at 08:21

Shucks, I must be one heck of a lucky cuss. I almost found myself wishing, as I reached the end of this post, I could bully my husband. Unfortunately for my twisted mind, that’s not to be. Kidding of course. We have a good relationship – and use humor to deal with the stuff when we freak each other out.

But I see what you mean, because I have friends who complain about this. Sometimes I feel damn impatient when I hear them (I admit to being guilty of tuning the &&^%$ out) because I really don’t get what happened to these great strong women along the way that they’re complaining about trivial things they could easily remedy. (Sigh. that sentence was tiring). I mean, whatever happened to normal? :D I know I sound very holier than thou here – but I did grow up in a large joint family where we got to see various shades of human nature – and yet, we were a pretty harmonious lot. We never hesitated to say our I love yous and appreciated whenever the situation called for it. We all seriously cared for each other, and in a sense, that removed all the trivial shit out of the way. In any serious situation, we were very “together” and for each other, if you know what I mean.

As usual, your post is gold plated advice. It shines :D And I lerrrrve the way you write.
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Melody Fletcher March 19, 2012 at 15:33

Hey Vidya,

Ahahaha! I’m sure it would make things easier at times if you could just get your way by stomping your feet and yelling. But you’re much too self aware for that my dear. I’m afraid you can’t regress to Neanderthal times. Also, would you respect your husband if he responded to such treatment? Naaaaaa.

It sounds to me that you grew up in an environment that made you fee secure, so you don’t get triggered the same as your friends do. That’s the thing – it’s never about the trivia things, but something much deeper. Large families can be great in terms of forcing people to communicate with each other (they have to or it just won’t work) as well as challenging in terms of making people feel insignificant (depends on the family of course). I do think that you’re really lucky. :)

Thanks for your wonderful words!

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Derrek March 19, 2012 at 08:34

Somehow you have come to understand the simple mind of a man. Bravo, Melody. Bravo. But now you seriously need to get a firewall that blocks out male visitors for a while because you are going to get a LOT of marriage proposals after this one. Mostly from men who are already married, because the ones who are not have yet to face the craziness. ;)

To be honest though, this post has made me realize one very important thing…..

…. I’m so frickin’ happy I’m not married yet! Oh, 25, I love you so much. :p

Melody Fletcher March 19, 2012 at 15:38

Oh my sweet, sweet Derrek. You think the crazy only comes out after marriage? So cute… Both sexes have crazy, they just express it differently. And the longer you’re with someone, the more your individual crazy will get triggered. The goal is not to squash or avoid or run away from the crazy. But to deal with it. Then, the ride can be really fun and you can connect much more deeply and grow together, which is really the ultimate relationship.

If you see marriage, or long term relationships (doesn’t have to be legally sanctioned) as kind of a ball and chain scenario where you are trapped with the lunatic version of the woman you fell in love with, then please don’t give me the credit. That’s all you, babe. Perhaps that’s YOUR crazy… :D Oh snap!

Huge hugs!
Melody

Derrek March 19, 2012 at 19:17

Aha! Well played, Melody! :D

In all seriousness though, this is an awesome post. And it comes to show that with the understanding you have of how the crazy in people can be dealt with, we can build really beautiful relationships. And you’re right. People have built stereotypes around marriage that makes it look like a ball and chain scenario. I personally see it as a simple formality, because other than being a form of showing commitment it doesn’t really guarantee anything, but I can also see the beauty behind the concept.

That doesn’t mean I don’t want to find someone to spend my life with though. I’m a sucker for the whole “forever and ever” commitment thing. Only criteria would be for her not to see marriage as the whole ball and chain gig as well. Openness, a good friendship, and the ability to hold intelligent conversation is the way to go. :)

That being said, I’m going to take my time. I know marriage won’t “complete” me and I know there’s no rush. I’ll take it easy and I’ll know when it’s time, but until then I’ll be happy being solo…so that I can be happy being married later on.

Melody Fletcher March 20, 2012 at 00:32

Good philosophy Derrek. Just be happy. Married, solo, in a weird three-way involving a monkey, whatever.

I’ve waffled on the idea of marriage. I don’t really see the point of the legal side of it, but I do love the idea of declaring our love for each other in a beautiful and spiritual ceremony with friends and family. I like the vows that Abraham recommends: “I like you pretty good, let’s see how it goes.” Ha. Because you cannot guarantee that you will be together forever and I don’t like the idea of staying together out of obligation. But I do love the idea of choosing to be together every day, all over again, and helping each other grow in ways that no one else can because we know each other better than anyone else. That’s beautiful. And for that, I’d even get legally married. :)

Hugs!
Melody

Jason Fonceca March 20, 2012 at 01:32

Re: Marriage…

Is there power in ‘ceremony’, ‘celebration’, and ‘ritual’? If so how does that relate to marriage?
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Melody Fletcher March 20, 2012 at 17:18

Good point, Jason. I do think ceremonies can have power in the moment. Other than that, it’s a great excuse to have a party. For me personally, it doesn’t really have much to do with the marriage itself. Hmmmm. Loads of thoughts coming it. I smell a blog post about marriage! :)
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Jason Fonceca March 22, 2012 at 09:08

Everything has power in the moment ;)

So if I understand you:

To you: someone who has gathered their fam + friends together from all over, to deeply, passionately celebrate and pay tribute to their union has the same meaning as a couple people who… you know, just fell in together and kinda… rode it out – the only difference being is one had one extra “excuse to celebrate”?

Melody Fletcher March 22, 2012 at 18:31

Not exactly. I don’t think it would necessarily mean the same to them. What I’m saying is that when you find that connection with someone, where you want to choose to be with them and make that choice again every day, then a ceremony will not make that connection stronger somehow.Then it’s a celebration and essentially, an awesome party. I don’t think it’s necessary to have that party (the love will not e diminished if you don’t have one), but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t wonderful fun.

My main point is that the ceremony itself guarantees and changes nothing. A lot of people put a lot of importance on that ceremony, as if once you have it, well, it somehow cements the connection. I don’t believe that. I think the ceremony is a celebration of connection, not a contributor to it. :)

Jason Fonceca March 23, 2012 at 20:52

Thanks for the clarification, Melody!

… so now if I understand you correctly …

you believe that the emotional, spiritual connection between to lovers/partners is *separate* from a large physical manifestation of that connection, and that physical manifestation won’t contribute anything to it, but it *is* “an excuse to have a party” ?
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Melody Fletcher March 24, 2012 at 00:12

Well, I don’t think that the wedding is the main physical manifestation of the connection. I believe the relationship is.

I think the ceremony is a great way to celebrate love. So in that sense it would add something to the experience by feeling good. I would not say it adds “nothing”. But many people make it more about the wedding and then stress out over it to the degree that it doesn’t even feel good anymore. It becomes an obligation rather than a celebration (this depends on the couple, of course). In those cases, the wedding itself doesn’t add much to the connection.

To me, a wedding at it’s best, is a celebration of something beautiful. And yes, that’s about it. That’s not nothing, but it’s not everything, either. :)

Jason Fonceca March 24, 2012 at 01:28

Hmm… Mel…I said a wedding was a “large” physical manifestation, not the “main” one.

And re:
“It becomes an obligation rather than a celebration” – I’ve left both weddings and funerals in the middle of them, for this very reason.

“[A weddings] not nothing, but it’s not everything, either. :)

Got it :)
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Donna March 19, 2012 at 08:45

It seems that you have really taken a lot of effort to place yourself on the shoes of an average husband. I love it.

What you mentioned in this post really happens to me and my hubby. The only thing that doesn’t happen is the nagging and the self-pity part. All it takes is a little understanding and a lot of communication.
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Melody Fletcher March 20, 2012 at 01:14

Hey Donna,

Welcome to Deliberate Receiving! I always shudder a bit when I hear a husband and wife nagging each other. It’s so disrespectful, like they’re talking to idiot children… Open communication is so much better, even if it means telling the person that they’ve made you mad or whatever. Then, at least it’s out there and you can both deal with it.

Thanks for chiming in!

Huge hugs!
Melody

Sameer March 19, 2012 at 12:21

Hey Awesome Melody,

Thank God my wifey understand this all from day 1 but, directing her to this article will help me in many ways in future ;)

Thank you so much Melody for understanding “Us”

Huge Hugs & Love,
Sameer :)

Melody Fletcher March 19, 2012 at 15:40

Hey Sameer,

Anything that fosters more authentic communication is going to help. But as I said to Derrek, women don’t have a monopoly on the crazy. Men just don’t generally get triggered by household chores which haven’t been done. They do get triggered though and then the get all silent and manly and they don’t want to deal with it. I think I’ll have to write a blog post about the male crazy, just to balance it out… He, he.

Huge hugs!

Melody

Mi March 19, 2012 at 19:04

Dear Melody,
I always love to read this blog. Thanks for being there. And thanks to everyone and their comments. I’d like to make a suggestion that might help us as a group.
All of us have insecurities mostly developed during our childhood (as you have written about before) we can carry these feelings around for a long time, sometimes for a life time. Meditation can help us to find the root of these feelings. Once realized we can then clear these feelings away. They are sometimes called “prompters”. They are like hot buttons. Abandonment is a really big one. Many of us really have abandonment issues but we don’t realize it. I do not mean someone really physically abandoned us. It could have happened on an emotional level, where we felt abandoned. These prompters are very subtle. It’s like detective work to find them but, I would like to ask if we can put together a super master list of the other big and little ones as well. By looking at the list we can all open our minds to the possibility that we are unknowingly haunted by some of these “prompters”. Ones we might not find on our own. That way we can cleanse them away by whatever prayer or ritual we want. I find things all the time that might be looming inside me, stopping me from being clear and receiving what I want from life. I learned to quickly say a prayer to the Universe asking that this perceived feeling be wiped away. (Because I believe in reincarnation I ask that I be cleared from the beginning of time until this moment just in case it has been lingering with me) If I remember the situation I acknowledge what caused it (and sometimes relive it) and then I forgive myself any person, place or circumstance which has caused me to feel this way. I don’t want it to hold me back anymore. Those unknown feelings are what prompt us to get upset and feel unloved or not respected at times such as the one sited above. We, all of your groupies, could do a mass cleansing based on the list. The LOA works best when we are clear. We can align better to what we want when we are not carrying the garbage bag around with us!! Let’s dump the bags in the incinerator.
I love you all!
Mi

Melody Fletcher March 20, 2012 at 00:37

Hey Mi,

That’s a great idea. Although, I’m not sure I understand exactly what you’d put on the list? Can you get us started? You can email me through my contact form (or reply to the newsletter) if you like.

I like the idea of a mass cleansing. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody

Philip F. Harris March 20, 2012 at 01:50

Now about the peanut butter thing….
Live in a state of gratitude and all falls into place…including the garbage.

Melody Fletcher March 20, 2012 at 17:20

Peanut butter thing? You’ve lost me Phil… :)

And you’re right. If we can get into a state of gratitude, we get a completely different perspective.

Huge hugs!
Melody

Philip Harris March 20, 2012 at 17:36

Kelli said, “That is why you hear stories about someone killing their spouse because they bought the wrong peanut butter or something like that…”
Peanut butter is sacred! If it’s not not all natural Teddie, all bets are off…;)

Melody Fletcher March 21, 2012 at 19:43

Ahahahaha! Sorry, totally missed that. Blonde moment… :P

Cathy Taughinbaugh March 20, 2012 at 02:13

Hi Melody,

Interesting post on communication, that we all need! Nagging can be a real problem in a marriage. Expressing your feelings and asking for what you need goes a long way. Thanks for a great post.
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Melody Fletcher March 20, 2012 at 17:22

Thanks Cathy!

Most of us were never taught how to communicate authentically. Hell, most of us were discouraged from it in some way. So this is a learning process, but SOOO worth it. :)

Huge Hugs!
Melody

Tess The Bold Life March 20, 2012 at 14:14

Melody This is excellent stuff. I was in therapy with a daughter a couple of years ago and the therapist looked at her and said, “Just because your mother doesn’t show love like you want her to doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. She got it. I tweeted that for you. So true.

About the garbage…I’m the slacker in our house. I’m treated like a queen by hubs! He loves waiting on me. Always has and always will. I’ve learned to allow it, enjoy it, and be grateful. He came into my life when I was 15 to teach me I am worthy of love.
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Melody Fletcher March 20, 2012 at 17:24

Oh Tess, that’s beautiful! And I’ll bet that every one of my female readers now wants to secretly smack you, LOL. It sounds strange that someone would have to learn to allow love, but most of us do. Especially we women see ourselves as the caretaker in the home, it can be really hard to let someone take care of us. But isn’t it nice? I’ve struggled with this myself and when I allow it, it’s like relaxing into a big, soft duvet. Ahhhhhh. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody

Jason Fonceca March 22, 2012 at 09:16

Tess, Mel… in my experience, *allowing* is probably one of the most powerful attitudes/actions anyone can do.

Every successful person I’ve studied — and there are a ridiculous amount — has a biography absolutely peppered with allowing.

Allowing homelessness, allowing jail, allowing haters, allowing failure, allowing self-expression, allowing their wants – no apologies, allowing their friends/partners, allow, allow, allow.

Example:
“It wasn’t until 2003 that Jay-Z reunited with his father. “[I talked about] what it did to me, what it meant, asked him why. There was no real answer. There was nothing he could say, because there’s no excuse for that. There really isn’t,” he said. “So there was nothing he could say to satisfy me, except to hear me out. And __it was up to me to forgive and let it go.__”

Melody Fletcher March 22, 2012 at 18:26

Jay-Z is a wise man. :) Thanks for sharing Jason!

Raquel Tanner July 11, 2012 at 05:26

While I understand the point of this post, I still do not think calling women “insecure” because they get upset that after politely asking their husbands to take the garbage out everyday for a week with promises that they will do it “later today” or “tomorrow” is a correct assumption.

What is it? It’s a sign of disrespect. When you were younger, if your parents or teachers asked you to do something and you didn’t do it, it was considered disrespectful. And that’s what it is. According to your article, husbands know that we want it done, but make the decision at some point or another that they don’t feel it’s as important as we make it out to be. Whether or not they feel it is important is irrelevant–what is the problem is that they know it’s important to us (whether or not they understand the “it’s more than garbage” attitude) and still make the decision to ignore it. That’s a lack of respect. Not a symbol or lack of love or devotion or a symbol of insecurity. It is a lack of respect plain and simple.

I don’t question my love for my husband or vice versa. What I do need from him is a desire to want to know what’s important to me (which is indicated day after day) and a desire to NOT ignore it. I desire respect.

Melody Fletcher July 11, 2012 at 13:58

Hi Raquel,

Actually, that’s exactly the point I wasn’t making. Your husband is not making the decision to disrespect you. But you’re feeling disrespected – you’re perceiving his actions as disrespectful. The issue grows from simply taking out the garbage to represent something much bigger. You think he’s making that decision, but he’s not. To him, it’s meaningless garbage and I promise you, he does not and cannot know how important the garbage is to you, because it makes no sense to him that you would put that much importance on garbage (beliefs are not rational). You’ve made an emotional connection there that he doesn’t have, and unless he does, he can’t ever quite get it. But you don’t need him to.

You desire respect because you don’t feel respected. And you’re looking for your husband and others to provide you with that respect. You want them to make you feel respected with their actions. But since you can’t control your husband’s behavior, or anyone elses, it’s hard to get them to act in a way that makes you feel better.

But if you focus on the root cause of your feeling of disrespect, which is a belief you formed about yourself at some point (most likely childhood) and release that, not only will you feel respected, but then others, like your husband, will begin to mirror that back to you. He’ll be inspired to remember to take out the garbage.

You have a lot more say in how you feel than you give yourself credit for. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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