It’s finally time for another Q& Video!
Today’s question comes from a mom, who wants to know: What can you do when your children simply do not listen to you? How do I react when my kids throw a tantrum, or fight or try to fight with me? How can I stay in a good feeling place? I know that I can’t really control others, but how can I create the reality I dream of when my kids are so resistant?
Watch the video to get my answer:
Everything that happens to you is a mirror of your own vibration.
So, it’s not nearly as much about THEM, as it is about you. If you had a negative reaction to something they said or did, then you have a belief that isn’t serving you. This is where your work starts.
Do not tie your emotional wellbeing to how anyone else feels or what they do. Not even your children’s.
They are displaying anger? They are having a reaction to a false thought they have about themselves or a situation. It does not mean that you’ve failed as a parent. Here’s some incentive to help you work on this: While there’s nothing you can do to ensure your children’s success, and that’s not your responsibility anyway, you CAN teach them to process their emotions and release any limiting beliefs they may have or are forming. But you cannot do that if you haven’t first cleaned up your own mess.
Example: Your child is angry at you. You try to talk to him about it, but the second you sense that he is angry with you, your own crap is triggered and you get all defensive, or you feel horrible guilt. Children tend to internalize everything anyway. If Mommy is sad, it’s almost certainly their fault. So, what do you think will happen, if they sense that they are causing you pain or distress? They will clam up and insist that they are fine. They will say almost anything to make you feel better. The whole thing will become about you and how hurt you are by their pain and them trying to make you feel better. Their own issue will be left in the dust.
The way to do to that is issue by issue.
After every fight, incident or anything that made you feel negative emotions, go to a quiet place and ask yourself these questions:
- What was the actual trigger?
- What exactly did you feel?
- Why did what they said or did make you feel that way?
Then, shift your perspective and release the underlying belief.
Little by little, you’ll shift your own vibration. You’ll be able to stay much more objective when faced with your kids’ emotional reactions, and eventually, elicit a much more cooperative version of them.
Stop being a control freak
Generally speaking, people try to control their children because they are afraid for them. They think that if they don’t get them on the right path, they’ll grow up to be unsuccessful, unhappy degenerates who still live at home when they’re 40. You CANNOT ensure their success. Give that up. The good news is: You CANNOT ensure their failure, either.
Make sure that you’re able to justify the rules you have to your kids. If you can’t, chances are that you simply adopted this rule from your parents, instead of actually deciding to implement it at some point.
The kids coming in today and over the last 15 years, these Indigo kids, are much less willing to be trained out of their connection than previous generations. They have an innate sense of freedom and will rebel at any attempt to control them. But if you are able to explain your rules and decisions to them in a way that actually makes sense to them, you’ll get a lot less pushback.
If you find yourself fighting tooth and nail over something, make sure you’re not engaged in a power struggle. You’ll never win those, long term.
So, what do you actually do when your kid is throwing a tantrum?
Let’s look at an example:
- You have a son and a younger daughter. Your son has been acting out against his sister and you for some time. He’s throwing a tantrum now.
- Do not try to change or control his emotions or get him to shift perspective while he’s in a highly emotional state. You may need to curtail his expressions of that emotion (like hitting his sister), but don’t say things like “Don’t be angry”. He has a right to his emotions just like you do. Try to show him alternative ways to let his anger out, if necessary. Punching a pillow, running, or screaming in his room are all non-destructive ways to let anger out.
- Once he’s calmer, you can talk to him.
- Again, make sure that you’ve raised your own vibration first and don’t make this about you.
- Ask him why he was so angry. Make sure he knows that it’s ok that he was angry. You can validate his feelings further by saying something like “Why were you so angry with your sister? It’s ok if you were. Sometimes we get mad at people we love.”
- Let’s say that the underlying cause was that he’s jealous of his sister for being born and sucking up all the parental attention. If you have more than one child, this issue will occur. There’s nothing you can do to prevent it. Again, your child’s perspective often has little or nothing to do with your actual actions.
- You can ask your son “Do you believe that Daddy and I love your sister more than we love you?” Don’t take the answer personally.
- Assure your son that you love him and then ask what you could do to make him feel loved. Perhaps a regular outing with just him and you. Make sure he gives his input. You are coming up with the solution together.
If you work on your own issues and reactions and help your children process their own emotions, you’ll shift your vibration and little by little, completely change your relationship with your kids.
If you’d like to work with me 1-on-1 to help you shift your limiting beliefs faster, check out my LOA Life Coaching.
Was this video helpful to you? Would you like to see more blogs or Vlogs about parenting issues? How do you deal with your children’s temper tantrums? Let me know in the comments!