Desperation. It’s everywhere. I’m not just talking about the 39 year old woman who’s so desperate to have a baby that she thinks every man she meets, including the postman and the teenager who bags her groceries, is “The ONE”. The woman who watches the door at any party she’s at, so she can knock down the “competition” (other women and gay men) as she sprints across the room to rattle off her name, job description, sexual turn-ons and uterus measurements to any guy not lucky enough to have entered the room with a date, is pretty obviously desperate. And possibly legally insane. I’m talking about the young man who can’t stop thinking about the girl at the coffee shop and has convinced himself that if he doesn’t meet her, he’ll die a miserable old man. Or the woman who obsesses over getting a promotion at work to the degree that she’s given herself an ulcer. There’s the man who thinks of almost nothing except winning the lottery; it will solve all of his problems. And the woman who is jealous of the fact that her husband has a hobby that doesn’t include her. This is everyday neediness. It’s pervasive. And it causes an untold amount of suffering.
We’ve all been there. We’ve all wanted something so desperately that it hurt. If you’ve ever been a teenager with a crush, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The Law of Attraction states that we can get anything we want, providing we align our energy with it. Well guess what? As long as we NEED something to happen, we’re not only NOT aligning our energy with what we want, we’re actually lining up with its opposite – the ABSENCE of what we want. Go figure. So, if you find yourself getting all needy and desperate about the beautiful vampire on TV, or that Jaguar you’ve always wanted, or that promotion that you totally deserve but just never seem to get, then this post is for you. You know who you are.
Why you’re such a desperate mess
It’s time for another one of Melody’s Definitions! Yay! I know you can barely contain your excitement…
Desperation: The emotional state that occurs when we have a strong desire for something, have decided on the ONE WAY that this desire must be brought to us and don’t fully trust that it will actually happen.
Let’s use the example of the young man trying to get the girl, since this is a question (how can I get this person to love me) I get A LOT. We’ll call this young man Kevin, just to make it easier. So, Kevin has met Shelly, a beautiful barrista at his local coffee shop. He’s become infatuated with her and has convinced himself that his one mission in life is to meet this girl. But he’s shy, he doesn’t really know how to approach her and the thought of her rejecting him nearly gives him an aneurism. He spends his evenings and nights pining away for her and dreaming of their wedding and their future kids. When he thinks of her, he feels equal parts elation (she’s THE ONE!) and pain (she’s not his!). He’s actually got two false beliefs going here:
1.) She must fall in love with him in order for him to be happy
2.) There’s a good chance that he can’t have her, and will therefore never be happy
Meanwhile, Kevin’s inner being, let’s call him Big Kevin, knows exactly what Little Kevin wants, and has completely different beliefs:
1.) Little Kevin doesn’t need anything to be happy. He can be happy right now.
2.) Little Kevin can have anything he truly wants.
When Little Kevin’s thoughts don’t agree with Big Kevin’s, there’s going to be vibrational discord, which will cause negative emotion. So, the pain that Little Kevin is feeling is not because of this girl, but because he is thinking thoughts that Big Kevin doesn’t agree with.
Big Kevin and Little Kevin have to agree
What Little Kevin truly wants, deep down, is to be happy. And he’s decided that in order to be happy, he MUST meet, fall in love with and marry this girl. He NEEDS her. While Big Kevin knows that happiness is a state of mind that can and must be achieved unconditionally. Nothing outside of yourself can MAKE you happy. Ever.
Also, Big Kevin knows the specifics of what Little Kevin wants – to fall in love with the perfect girl and have her fall in love with him. And he knows exactly what that perfect girl looks like., even better than Little Kevin does. Every time Little Kevin appreciated a girl, or any part of her, Big Kevin got more information about what LK wanted. And every time LK was annoyed by a girl or any part of her, BK got more information about what LK didn’t want, and therefore, what he did want. And all of that information has created the perfect relationship, which Big Kevin, in all of his wisdom, holds on to and gives all of his focus to. So, if Little Kevin wants to receive that perfect relationship, all he has to do is to line up with the energy of what Big Kevin is focusing on. He has to believe what Big Kevin believes and focus on what BK is focusing on. And the more those two belief systems match up, the better Little Kevin feels. That’s the Law of Attraction in a nutshell. You’re welcome.
But, because Little Kevin doesn’t believe what Big Kevin does, he’s feeling pain. He’s suffering. And because his desire to be happy and to fall in love is so strong, he’s suffering A LOT.
Stop needing what you want and you’ll get it
No one likes a needy person. Any man who’s ever been pursued by a desperate woman will tell you that (yes, I know he’ll probably sleep with her, but he’s not going to fall in love with her, which is what she’s really desperate for). This is a quality that will almost literally repel most people. Seen through that perspective, this next bit should make perfect sense to you.
In order to stop the suffering that comes from desperation and neediness, you have to practice detachment. You have to stop believing that this specific thing must happen in order for you to be happy. And yes, I’m aware of just how scary that is.
Most people think that if they stop NEEDING something, or stop actively telling the Universe what they want (“I want her!”), that the Universe will think “Oh, you no longer want that? Ok. I’ll stop looking for ways to bring it to you.” They think that if they stop actively desiring something that they won’t get it. But that’s not how it works. Again, your inner being and the Universe know exactly what you want. You don’t have to actively work on creating anything. It’s fun to do so once you’ve figured out how to receive it effortlessly, but it’s not a necessary part of the equation. Your job, your only job, is to learn how receive what you want. And again, the best way to do that is to think thoughts that are in agreement to those that your inner being, the Big You, is thinking. How do you know if you’re in agreement? You’ll feel good, that’s how.
So, there is really nothing Little Kevin can think that will make Big Kevin stop focusing on what LK really wants. That’s not possible. The perfect creation will always be there to be received. What Little Kevin needs to do is to STOP thinking those thoughts that contradict Big Kevin and are therefore blocking him from receiving that creation. And the best way to stop doing that is to stop telling the Universe how to do its job. Little Kevin has to stop thinking that he NEEDS Shelly in order to be happy. He has to leave the delivery (the who, what, when, how and where) up to the Universe. And the faster he does this, the faster and more easily he’ll receive his manifestation.
“This, or something even better”
Now, just because Little Kevin should detach from NEEDING the girl of his dreams to be Shelly (who he knows little to nothing about, so he can’t really know if she’s THE ONE), doesn’t mean that he has to give up on her entirely. Shelly may or may not be the manifestation he’s looking for. And if she is, detaching will finally allow her into Kevin’s life. But, there’s a chance that Shelly is simply a precursor to his ultimate manifestation – a girl who matches most of the criteria of what Kevin wants, but not all of it, yet. In that case, the Universe is actually lining up an even better match to Kevin’s desires. By locking on to Shelly, Kevin is actually blocking the delivery of his perfect relationship, no matter if it involves her or not.
The perfect mindset to get into when trying to detach from an object or person is “Please bring me THIS (person, job, house, situation, etc.) or something even better.” By taking this perspective, you’re placing your trust in the Universe and your inner being. You’re saying “Universe, I know that you know exactly what I want, so I’m going to get out of your way. This person in front of me seems perfect, but if you have someone even better in mind, I’m open to that, as well. I know that you have the ability to bring me the love which meets all of my criteria. So I’m going to stop questioning you and trying to micro manage this process and just let you do your job.”
When you stop detaching from someone or something, when you stop being needy or desperate, you’ll often experience a temporary feeling of emptiness which can be really scary. You’ve spent so much of your energy on the thought “I need this”, which has a lower vibration (basically, the worse a vibration feels, the lower its frequency) that when you go to retune your thoughts to a higher vibration, the intense negative emotions you’ve been feeling will cease. As you go through this retuning process, you won’t immediately find a stable place in that higher vibration, so you might fluctuate back and forth for a little bit. And during this time, the absence of these intense emotions can feel like a complete lack of emotions. This is never true, but it can be difficult to discern the more subtle feelings of boredom, then less boredom, optimism and hopefulness after subjecting yourself to intense pain and suffering. If you’ve been smashing your thumb with a hammer and you suddenly stop and tickle it with a feather, it may take you a bit before you can feel the feather.
It’s usually at this point that people get really scared that they’re not doing enough. In more severe cases, this void can actually lead to a bit of an identity crisis. If you’re not this needy person in pain, then who are you? This time period requires a little bit of faith in the process. If you can continue to trust the Big You and the Universe, and continue to practice detachment, positive feelings will flood in soon enough. Passion, desire free from pain, joy, playfulness, enthusiasm, giddiness and all the rest will be accessible to you, with just as much intensity, if not more so, than the desperation and neediness you were so used to.
Agree with your Big You to get what you want
This whole detachment process is really just a technique to help you to find unconditional happiness, right now. When you agree with the Big You, when you stop thinking thoughts that contradict what the Big You thinks about anything, you will feel positive emotion. So, the happier you feel, the more you’ve aligned your energy with what you want, and the faster you’re letting it in. In a nutshell, the fastest way to get what you want (and this should really sound familiar by now), is to find a way to feel better right now, no matter what your circumstances may be. Because while Mic Jagger was wrong about you sometimes getting what you NEED (Never. Gonna. Happen.), he was also wrong about not getting what you want. Sing it with me now:
You CAN always get what you want.
You CAN always get what you want.
But with a desperate mind, you’ll never find, what you think that you need.