The Painful Flipside Of Being Adopted – Case Study

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by Melody Fletcher on September 4, 2011

I had an impromptu coaching session with my friend and client, Ger, the other day. It wasn’t planned, but the Universe orchestrated a series of events that brought him straight to my door (he’s a friend, so he can do that. Please don’t stalk me). When we were done, he looked at me, exhausted and relieved, and said “I give you full permission to share this on your blog. Other people should know this.” Because I completely agree with him and since the last case study went over so well, I’ve decided to write up a synopsis of our session for you. Case studies are a little different than normal blog posts – they tend to touch on several different topics at once. That’s because when you actually go digging around in your belief system, it’s never black and white. Beliefs don’t sit around in separate little boxes. They’re more like the root system under a forest – all intertwined.

I thought I’d do something a little bit different this time. I’m going to give you the case study not only from my client’s point of view, but from mine, as well. I know that many of you are energy workers, and I thought it might be interesting for you to look over my shoulder and experience my process. You can let me know in the comments if this was helpful and/or interesting to you.

A little background info

Ger was adopted when he was a baby. His parents never hid this fact from him and his mother even has his birth mother’s information. They’ve left the decision of whether or not to ever contact her completely up to him and made it clear they would accept his decision either way. Like most adoptive parents, Ger’s were loving and kind. He had a happy childhood, normal teenage issues and is now a happily married man with two kids of his own.

Perhaps the recent birth of his second child was the catalyst for his revelation. Or perhaps it was simply time. Ger had never wanted to contact his birth mother. She had been an unwed teenage girl in Ireland, in the 70′s. Having a baby out of wedlock wasn’t really acceptable at that time. Ger and I had talked about his birth mother in the past, but he had always expressed that he’d forgiven her long ago. He understood that she had probably made the decision to give him the life she couldn’t. And even if she gave him up due to the unacceptability of her condition at the time, his blame fell to the Catholic Church (for creating the stigma) rather than to her.

Zeroing in on the problem

Ger came into my apartment, sat down, and after a few minutes of small talk, it became clear that there was something deeper at work. When I coach, I work intuitively, and so I’m generally able to “see” or feel the issue. This only works, however, if the issue is currently active (the person is in pain because of it) or if it’s ready to be released. Ger and I had talked about this very subject on several occasions, but the underlying belief and fear hadn’t been anywhere close to the surface, so I hadn’t really picked up on it. This time it was almost literally waving at me.

Ger had figured out that he tended to look outside of himself for approval and validation. He asked me why I thought that might be. I immediately zeroed in on the word “adopted” and asked him if there was a relation between his adoption and what he was feeling. He seemed surprised for a moment and then thought deeply about the question.

The next thing that hit me, almost like a ton of bricks (sometimes impressions come on very strongly) was the pain-ridden voice of a small child, crying out: “Why did she give me up?” I didn’t voice this, though, because Ger wasn’t ready to hear it. When coaching people, you have to allow them to find the clarity. If you just try to tell them before they’re ready, they won’t be able to hear you. It won’t resonate. In that case, all you can do is keep asking questions to help light up the path, and let them find their way.

Grateful to be adopted

We explored how Ger felt about being adopted. He gave me the same speech he’d given me many times before. His parents were loving and kind, he’d had a happy childhood, he had forgiven his birth mother, he was angry at the Catholic Church. But there were a couple of things that stood out that had not been apparent before. 1.) Ger’s anger at the Catholic Church wasn’t just anger. It was much, MUCH deeper than that. There was bitterness and pain in his voice that hadn’t been there before. 2.) When he told me that he’d forgiven his birth mother, it was a lie.

When he’d told me about his birth mother before, his words had rung true. But this time, they didn’t. The problem was that there was a part of Ger that had not forgiven her. And for the first time in his life, he was connecting with that part. Ger HAD forgiven his birthmother. The adult Ger, who’s married and has children of his own, who can see things rationally and reason that an unwed teenage mother in the 1970′s probably wouldn’t have had a choice, had forgiven her.

This adult Ger had also reasoned that there was absolutely no justification for him to be angry, upset or hurt. He’d had good parents. He had been and was loved. He’d had a good life. He was grateful to have been adopted. His parents had always told him that they had chosen him. They had chosen him because of his eyes (they are blue and kind and beautiful). They had made him feel special. Normal parents just had to take whatever they got, he had been handpicked! What more could a boy want?

And Ger was and is grateful to his parents. But that gratitude was also part of the problem. At some point, Ger had decided that because he was and ought to be grateful to his parents for adopting him, and was and ought to be grateful for having been chosen by such loving people, that it was not ok for him to also feel pain about the situation. Feeling pain seemed ungrateful and was therefore inappropriate. It hadn’t occurred to him that the two needn’t be related and didn’t have much to do with each other. They could co-exist independently. It was possible for him to be grateful to his parents and hurt by his birthmother at the same time.

The flip side of adoption

Because, there wasn’t just the adult Ger, the rational, logical, reasonable one with the understanding perspective. There was another part, a hurt little boy who couldn’t figure out why someone hadn’t wanted him, and who didn’t give a crap that an unwed mother in the 70′s didn’t have many choices. This part felt powerless. This part hadn’t chosen to be adopted, hadn’t chosen to be given up. This is the flip side to adoption: There’s the wonderful part, the part where a child gets chosen, gets picked, gets taken home to a loving family. But in order for that to happen, there first has to be the other part: the part where a mother gives up her child.

And although the adult Ger had made peace with that part, had glossed over it with logic and rationality, had understood her possible motives, the little boy he once was, who hadn’t understood anything, who only had questions that no one could answer, had not forgiven his birth mother at all. This little boy was hurt and angry and felt utterly rejected and abandoned.

Adult Ger had channeled this anger to the Catholic Church – a faceless entity who he could rail against, but could ultimately do little about. He could hate the church. After all, they had given him a lot of reasons to do so. With countless scandals in the Irish press, and droves of parishioners leaving the church, they provided him with an easy target. Except, it was also a safe target. The church couldn’t give him any answers, wouldn’t fight back, couldn’t give him any resolution. Being angry at the church is like being angry at the government. You can sit around bitching about it all day, but it ultimately doesn’t change anything. And when the real issue is far too painful to be addressed, too dark and terrifying to even acknowledge, diverting those feelings to a faceless entity makes perfect sense. As long as you’re angry at the church, you don’t have to deal with what’s really going on.

“I don’t feel anything”

I asked Ger how he felt about his birth mother. His answer was “I don’t feel anything”.  This is never true. It’s impossible to feel nothing. Every thought has a frequency and will produce a feeling – our emotions are our vibrational feedback system and they will always tell us where a thought is vibrating in relation to the high frequency of Who We Really Are. The better a thought feels, the closer it is to Who We Are. It is impossible to think a thought and not have a corresponding  emotion. So if it seems like there is no emotion, then this almost always means that the person is too afraid to allow themselves to experience that feeling. They are blocking it out.

I told Ger that what he was avoiding was intense fear. It was hard for him to hear, but he was ready for it. As he connected with that feeling, his body language completely changed, and that’s when the shift began.

Holding a high vibration

When I’m working with a client, I essentially have only one function: to hold a high vibration and stream as much energy as I can. I do not see them as broken in any way, or as depressed, in pain or unhappy. I do not focus on their problems at all. What I do is hold a vision of them at their strongest, at their best. I see them for Who They Really Are and I stream as much energy toward that vision as I can. Before I really turn on that spigot, though, I do my best to get the client to connect with whatever it is they’re trying to release. So, I poke around at the problem a bit. The client must allow themselves to feel the emotion. They don’t even necessarily need to know what it’s about, although in my sessions we do tend to explore the cause (it helps to make peace with the logical mind at the same time). Once they’ve connected with the frequency of what they want to release, I start flowing a high vibration at them with full force. What this does, is turn on the pressure – it’s as though you have a rope tied around your left wrist and it’s pulling up. That’s your inner being pulling you up to its higher frequency. You don’t really have any control over what that frequency is. Your life experience causes you to add to this energy inadvertently. But your right hand is holding on to a rope which is pulling down. This rope is not tied to you, so you can let it go at any time. This second rope represents that lower frequency. When someone connects with the frequency of who you really are and streams it at you, the rope that’s tied to your left hand begins to pull harder, causing the pressure caused by the opposing ropes to increase. Now, one of two things is going to happen:

1.)    You either have to get away from the person who is causing the rope which is pulling upward to pull harder (in a session, the coach has to judge if the person is able to release the belief, or if the pain is too great and they need to back off)

2.)    You have to let go of the rope that’s pulling you down and shift the energy to a higher frequency

Releasing the pain

As Ger connected with the fear, pain and anger of that little boy who’d never been allowed to feel his feelings, because at some point, he’d decided that they were inappropriate, the energy I was streaming at him began to pull him up. Ger had to allow himself to experience all the emotions. He had to move through them in order to move up the emotional scale.

He realized that what he was most afraid of, was trying to contact his birth mother, only to have her refuse to meet him. It would be like being rejected all over again. Because that’s what this was really about: he had been rejected. His pain and anger were justified. He didn’t have to be ashamed of these emotions. He was absolutely allowed to feel them and they had nothing to do with how much he loved his parents or how good they had been to him. It did not mean that he was ungrateful.

His refusal to allow himself to feel these emotions had kept him stuck in an energy of rejection and unworthiness. While Ger has always been mostly confident, there had always been a part of him that had been looking for validation. He wanted acceptance. He wanted to be told that he was good enough. This part hadn’t run his life or his career, but it had affected him in certain ways. While it hadn’t controlled all or even a large part him, it had controlled some of his thoughts about himself and the world. While he hadn’t been constantly suffering, it had caused periodic pain.

Integration

The shift that Ger experienced will take some time to integrate. This isn’t therapy, which can take months or years to produce small changes. What took place was an actual shift of energy, one which will now trickle down through Ger’s energy body into his physical reality. While he physically felt the pressure build and then release during the session, the coming days and weeks will bring more subtle changes. He may begin to feel slightly more confident in certain situations (keeping in mind that Ger has always been quite confident. This belief was not ruining his life or anything). He may relate to his family a little differently, allowing himself to connect with them even more deeply. And he may well find the courage to finally contact his birth mother. I urged Ger to take his time with that, to make sure he was truly ready and not try to “push through the fear” as he might well be inclined to do (he’s also a head through the wall person, just like me, so I recognize the tendency all too well). That fear will subside more and more in the coming weeks as Ger stabilizes at this new vibration, making it easier and less emotionally wrought to take the ultimate step.

I’m grateful and honored to have been allowed to be a part of Ger’s journey. And I’m incredibly thankful that he’s allowed me to share this experience with you. I hope it’s been interesting if not helpful to you. I’d love to hear your impressions in the comments.

[Update: A reply on Twitter made me aware that this post could read as though I'm somehow attacking the birth mother. I'm not. This was about Ger's experience and unresolved pain, not hers. For the record, I don't for a second believe that she did anything wrong, and often, giving up a child can be the noblest thing a woman can do. I am in no way diminishing the sacrifice many girls and women make or how hard it must be for them. But again, this post was specifically about the pain that the adopted child feels and how to release that.]

Image Credit: http://www.dailypets.co.uk

{ 55 comments }

Lindsay | The Daily Awe September 4, 2011 at 17:03

Thank you to Ger for letting you share his story. I am not adopted, but I often think it’s preposterous that we expect adoptees to be “grateful” for their adoption. It’s just an odd way of thinking. Do we tell children raised by their birth parents to thank them? I was a traditional surrogate mother for a gay couple (meaning, the little girl is my daughter, too), so adoptee stories and issues are very much on my radar. She is 7 now and I see her a few times a year. I am so incredibly happy I get to play a role in her life (as many “birth mothers” do via open adoption now). But I cringe EVERY damn time one of her daddies asks her to thank me for giving birth to her. Why should this little girl thank me for that?

Ger’s feelings/worry of a second rejection from his birth mother is very normal amongst adoptees. There are no guarantees that reaching out to one’s birth mother won’t result in another rejection…

Has Ger read “The Primal Wound”? It’s a great book for adoptees and adoptive parents to help understand the feelings they are going through.

I feel like my thoughts/comments about this are rather disjointed. But I wanted to say that this was a great read and I hope the shift really helps Ger in all aspects of his life. I firmly believe in this sort of work and find it so much more effective than years of therapy…at least in my experience.

Thanks again for this!
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Melody Fletcher September 4, 2011 at 20:39

Hi Lindsay,

You make such an excellent point! Why do we ask kids to be grateful for having given them a chance at life? It’s such a natural thing to say. Even mothers will make a joke about it on Mother’s Day… But you’re right. It doesn’t make much sense. It’s not really gratitude that’s being taught here, but obligation. True gratitude never feels oppressive, just free. Something for parents to think about, I suppose…

Thanks so much for your valuable insight and for sharing your story. Your little girl is really lucky to have you involved in her life. :)

Hugs!
Melody
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esse September 7, 2012 at 13:17

I’ve never quite understoof why we celebrate birth so much. And why a child is seen as a blessing. And women so hapy over being pregnant and the parents congratulated. How’s it a big deal anyway? Everyone around us is making babies anyway. I never plan on having children cuz to me they seem to be more like a curse.

Melody Fletcher September 7, 2012 at 19:03

Hey Esse,

I can sympathize with your position. Not everyone has to have kids, even if our society often seems to insist that we should all want them and if we don’t, we’re coldhearted freaks. I love kids. I adore them. I’m fascinated by them. But I don’t want any of my own. The vision of that doesn’t feel like a hell yes to me right now.

I do think it’s kind of a big deal to squeeze another human being out of your hooha. Any creation should be celebrated. Another spirit coming into this world to explore and experience is cause for celebration in my book (it’d doesn’t have to be for you). But it’s certainly not the only cause for celebration. To me, parenthood is more of an honor (you’ve allowed a spirit to manifest their physical form through you) and a particular kind of journey (the co-creation of parent and child), but it’s not a journey that’s more valid than any other.

If you don’t want babies, don’t have them. Then that’s not your path and there’s nothing wrong with that. Being a parent is pretty all encompassing, so when you choose that path, it automatically makes choosing some others more difficult. It shapes your experiences in a certain way. But you may choose to have your experiences in a different way, and the ways that open to us are infinite.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Derrek September 4, 2011 at 18:09

Wow. Gotta’ say, Melody, this is one of your best written articles yet. It’s one thing to write about something, but when you take real-life situations and take us through the steps and coursework that it takes to get an energy shift, it’s something else entirely. It helps us understand how the LOA and energy-shifts work in real-life scenarios, especially those that are complex and hold many layers.

This will not only help those who are already on their own journey to find reassurance, it’ll also give those who are not too sure that little extra shove in the right direction and help make them believe that shifts are possible even in ‘big’ situations like Ger’s. That it’s not about the complexity of the situation but how we perceive it.

I hope Ger is able to release whatever burden he has left and liberate himself from that thing that’s holding some of his emotions down. I can gladly say I’ll be rooting for him. :)

Melody Fletcher September 4, 2011 at 20:41

Hi Derrek,

Thanks! Guess I don’t have to replace myself with guest posts after all, eh? He, he, he.

It was an incredible gesture for Ger to allow me to share this story and actually suggesting it. I wouldn’t have asked, to be honest. I would’ve considered the subject too personal to share publicly. But that’s the kind of person he is.

He will be absolutely fine and I’m sure he’ll be ecstatic to hear that he’s now got a fan club. Your positive energy will me much appreciated. :)

Hugs!!!
Melody
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Derrek September 6, 2011 at 04:43

Hehehe. Definitely not, Melody. ;)

Justin | Mazzastick September 4, 2011 at 18:29

Hi Melody, I would say that being adopted still carries a weight of guilt of sadness for the adoptee and the parents for that matter.

Old outdated beliefs like a mother cannot have a child and not be married has caused many to behave in heartless ways. Thank God us humans are learning that other people’s beliefs do not have to be our own. That is why we have a heart chakra, to help us guage what is right for us at the moment.

My understanding is that the hate that Ger is projecting is the hate that he feels for himself. He needs to heal that one first.
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Melody Fletcher September 4, 2011 at 20:45

Hi Justin,

We’ve come so far in so many ways. We now have open adoptions, single mother and gay parent adoptions, surrogates… The stigma has really been lifted, Thank God.

I would say HATE is a too strong a word, but yes, Ger internalized that anger. The feelings of rejection caused him to not feel good enough, which had affected him in a number of ways. But because this issue wasn’t all encompassing – he didn’t feel inadequate in general, only when this belief was triggered, it wasn’t that easy to dig up. Now that he knows what the issue is and has already shifted some energy, the healing has begun.

Thanks for your valuable insight!

Hugs,
Melody
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Tess The Bold Life September 4, 2011 at 21:24

Hi Melody,
It sounds like you were very helpful to your friend. He’s blessed to have you.

‘Giving up’ isn’t the correct term anymore. It’s ‘she planned adoption.’ There would be a little less stigma if those two words were eliminated for good.

As a psychologist I don’t agree with how you compare coaching to therapy. It’s much deeper than that. I’ve witnessed healing take place in less than a session many times both as a client and as a therapist.

Melody Fletcher September 5, 2011 at 15:03

Hi Tess,

Thanks for your kind words.
You’re absolutely right. I love the idea of saying the birth mother planned adoption. That feels so much better and has a lot less baggage attached to it. I’m going to use those words from now on! :)

Aha. I knew that if I didn’t explain that comment, it would come back to bite me in the ass, but the blog post was already so long. I’m really grateful that you’re giving me the opportunity to expand on it here. First of all, I have several good friends who are therapists, and they are excellent. I didn’t actually mean to reference therapy, as a whole, or compare it to coaching as a whole, but rather make the distinction between any type of therapy (and our traditional view of therapy often falls into this category, hence my rather short sited verbiage) and any other type of treatment which uses energy. Due to the rising global vibration, a lot of therapists are now using energy in their sessions whether they know it not, and they are getting stellar results. In fact, I can think of nothing better than to combine years of training with intuition and the streaming of a high vibration.

I cannot imagine that being as connected as you are, that you are not streaming energy with your patients (I’m a regular reader of your awesome blog!). There are therapists and coaches who use energy (again, often unknowingly, but that doesn’t matter) and there are practitioners in both disciplines who don’t. For either to be effective, an energy shift has to take place, but the difference is that those practitioners that hold a high vibration, the shifts happen a lot faster.

I’d love to get your take on this, Tess. :)

Hugs,
Melody
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Vishnu September 5, 2011 at 05:50

Melody – powerful stuff – was this a very emotional encounter for both of you? I know for Ger but it sounds like he was able to confront a lifetime of pent up emotions? And things that he was not even thinking about at the conscious level? You have forever changed his life!

Melody Fletcher September 5, 2011 at 15:08

Hi Vishnu,

It was for Ger, yes. It was an incredibly powerful session. I don’t believe that I changed his life. I believe that he attracted me into this reality as a catalyst so that he could release this energy. I was a match, because I love being that catalyst for people. All I did was create an environment that facilitated is shift. My main job in these sessions is to get out of the way and allow the other person’s inner being to elicit the exact words from me that they need to hear. It’s a wonderful process and I end up being so pumped full of energy afterwards that I often can’t sleep (but not in a hyped up caffeine kind of way. I’m just giddy.)

Since Ger is not just a client, but also a really good friend, I felt doubly honored to get to be part of this process with him. It was a really good evening. :)

Hugs!
Melody
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Lance September 5, 2011 at 15:48

Melody,
What a gift you are. And especially to your friend, in this time of need.

And it reminds me – rejection is something that really is just not very enjoyable. When that rejection touches even closer to our hearts, it can be that much harder. I know I’ve held off doing things because of “fear of rejection”, and that’s been on things that, in the end, are really not all that important.

Thank you. I feel a deeper “okay-ness” of going out and doing that which rings true for me…

Love and hugs,
Lance
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Melody Fletcher September 5, 2011 at 19:41

Hi Lance,

Thank you so much for your wonderful words. The biggest lie we ever allowed ourselves to believe is that we are not good enough and that other people’s opinions of us matter more than our own. I truly believe that the great majority of our problems stem from these core beliefs and they have many, many layers.

The great thing is that once you start to recognize the pattern, you can begin to heal that wound and overcome the belief. :)

Hugs!
Melody
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Lori Gosselin September 5, 2011 at 16:26

This is great Melody! You must really enjoy your practice! So much of that resonated with me!
So what is the best way to handle adoption if the way Ger’s parents wasn’t it?
Lori
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Melody Fletcher September 5, 2011 at 19:48

Hiya Lori!

I love this work. Everything I’ve ever done has led me to where I am now and I couldn’t be happier with what I do.

Ger’s parents did nothing wrong. Parents can’t protect their children from forming any and all negative beliefs. Sure, they can make situations worse, but even children of the most loving parents will end up having made some false decisions about themselves at some point. Ger’s beliefs were very much a product of the vibrations that he grew up with.
I do think that the newer models of open adoption, as well as the option being presented more as a choice, rather than something done to mitigate the “shame” of unplanned pregnancy will help a lot. But in the end, I think that every adopted child will have to face the emotions of what they will almost certainly consider to be a type of rejection. I think this is worst when the option of contacting the birth mother is not available. Again, open adoptions, where the birth mother is actually involved in the life of the child probably do the most to prevent the formation of these limiting beliefs. But that wasn’t really an option at the time that Ger was born…

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Hugs,
Melody
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Dia September 5, 2011 at 20:04

Hi Melody,

This is an emotional post. Adoption for most people is hard from the person who was adopted and his/her birth parents. If Ger wants to heal himself completely, then he needs to understand his emotions and take the time to heal himself to be able to stop the negative emotions. He is very lucky to have you help him with this process. Thanks for sharing Melody
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Melody Fletcher September 6, 2011 at 13:46

Hi Dia,

Everyone has their baggage, no matter what their childhood was like. It comes down to whatever decisions we made about ourselves as a result of our circumstances, and some of those decisions simply don’t serve us. So really, we’re all faced with the same path – find those decisions and re-decide on something that feels a lot better. That’s what it’s all about.

Thanks for your comment!

Hugs,
Melody
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Joe Bill September 5, 2011 at 21:25

heh heh. Someone stepped into several emotional minefields at once with this post as evidenced by the comments and twitters and so on.

Here’s the deal to me–from the perspective of the mother she is “giving up the baby”. We can call it something nicer, but it is still just as “given up”. There is no need to put a “nice face on it”. It is what it is, and if it is necessary it is necessary. Life is quite often full of hard decisions.

From the perspective of your friend, his perspective is equally valid–if he sees his mother as giving him up, well then, that’s reality for him and it won’t much matter what word or politically correct jargon someone calls it. If I stab you, for example, and I call it “incursion with an instrument” you are still just as stabbed. I’m not saying his mother in fact stabbed him, but she did wound him even though she herself was likely wounded.

The big key is to understand our actions from all perspectives have impacts on other people. Period. Equally, we have to own whatever our perspective is–whatever our truth is no matter what someone else tries to tell us it should be.

In my life, I’ve had people do some “bad things”. I’ve seen abuse that most folks would and could never understand, and I’ve experienced it as well. From the point of view of the abuser, they are “misunderstood” or “stunted” or whatever you want to call it, but really, when all is said and done I can understand HOW a person gets to a point they do something not so nice, but it doesn’t diminish the not niceness of it. Abuse is abuse, adoption means a woman has to give the baby up. It’s not pretty, but it is true.
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Melody Fletcher September 6, 2011 at 13:53

LOL. Yep! This was bound to be an emotionally fraught issue, and even thought the post was really long, there was no way I could go deeply into each aspect. That’s what makes case studies such a challenge. You hit on so many different points, but can’t really expand on any of them. And some things just take a lot of explanation… But I won’t shy away from the complex stuff just because I might need to back peddle a bit, here and there. :)

I think you perfectly summed it up, Joe Bill. We each have our own perspective and from that perspective, our feelings are valid. I probably didn’t do a good enough job in explaining that in this post, so thanks for filling that gap. From Ger’s perspective, he had been rejected. And it wasn’t even his entire perspective, but the view that a part of him had. And in order to heal that part, he had to allow himself to feel those feelings. The adult stance, that his birth mother probably had no choice was a good one, and a noble one and probably a correct one, but it was also responsible for keeping him stuck where he was. When the adult in us tell the hurt little kid in us that they have no justification to feel pain because of logical reasons, that little kid part can’t heal. the idea is not to become stuck in anger or whatever feeling we move through, but we have to allow ourselves to feel WHATEVER is necessary in order to move THROUGH it. No way around it. Ger had to allow himself to blame his birth mother and feel anger towards her for just a little while in order to move through that pain and into full forgiveness and healing. And that’s what he finally did.

Thanks so much for helping me to clarify this issue further. :)

Hugs,
Melody
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marc van der Linden September 5, 2011 at 21:29

Hey Melody, Great post!

I don’t have experience with the pains adopted children, but I love the way you describe the process of energetically unleashing the pain, which can be used on many other problems with light pains of people who are open for showing their emotions ( this is not always evident )

I like your strong statement that “I don’t feel anything” means “I have a deep fear for something”. In my experience it is almost impossible to let the person to show that fear in an easy way via logical ways, so It is nice to notice that this actually can be done via energetic work.

And I’m very curious now how you create this high vibration of energy and connect it to the other person :-)

Thanks for sharing!
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Melody Fletcher September 6, 2011 at 13:57

Hi Marc,

You’re so right. If you logically try to push a person to feel their fear (or other darker emotions), all they’re going to do is push back. That’s why you have to get into a higher vibration and call them to you. When they’re ready, they’ll come to you.

It’s not that hard, actually, although I do want to point out that the exact procedures I use are my method. There are tons of different ways to do this, but at their heart they all have this in common: you have to get into a higher vibrational place and call the client to you. How you call them (could be physical work, or different energetic methods) is irrelevant.

So, start working on your own vibration, get happy and stable, and then just shine your light on someone. Focus on Who They Really Are, but detach from the outcome. It’s not up to you to PULL them toward you, but call them. When they are ready, they’ll come. If they don’t, it’s because they weren’t ready. That’s not up to you. Be the lighthouse and shine as bright as you can. That’s it. :)

Hugs!
Melody

Sean Cox September 6, 2011 at 00:40

Thanks Melody and thanks Ger. Nice work, Melody. I like your “rope” concept. And I like your comments on integration. Yes, he needs to “digest” quite a bit, as you helped him get to the next level of his healing journey.

Yes, what a privilege to walk with Ger through this deeply personal journey. And wherever you are Ger, I wish you the best. Keep digesting and walking the path :) . You’re an example of courage, as these issues are not easy to deal with.
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Melody Fletcher September 6, 2011 at 13:59

Hi Sean,

Thank you for your wonderful and supportive words. I’ll make sure to pass on your message. And thanks for re-highlighting the integration part. This can’t be stressed enough. The healing isn’t over when the session ends. The integration is where the real payoff lies and where we stabilize that new vibration. Depending on the size of the shift, it can be pretty volatile (as with quantum leaps…)

Hugs!
Melody

Cathy | Treatment Talk September 6, 2011 at 03:07

Hi Melody,

Interesting post. Reactions to being adopted are so individual. I do not have experience being adopted, but from friends have watched people who seem to be very adjusted and have no interest in finding their birth mother to a friend whose son is a drug addict and one of the holes in his heart is that he cannot come to terms with his mother letting him go. He has a brother who is also adopted and does not seem to have these issues.

I can imagine the feelings adopted children must have no matter how wonderful their childhood was. There are always questions and wondering “why.” From your post, I realize these questions continue through adulthood without some kind of resolution that works for the child.
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Melody Fletcher September 6, 2011 at 15:48

Hi Cathy,

Everyone experiences their childhood in their own way. This is why we can’t ever judge others’ experiences. I can’t say, oh, yes you were adopted and therefore you have a right to feel angry. Oh, you had an “easy” childhood, so you have no justification to complain. We only ever see things from our own perspective and our pain is our pain. It’s all valid.

Most of the crap we carry around with us stems from false decisions we made about ourselves as children. This is why those beliefs often aren’t rational. We had such a limited perspective and we often can’t really relate to that point of view anymore. But until we release these beliefs, they can run like a computer program in the background.

Thanks so much for adding your valuable perspective here.

Hugs,
Melody

Fred Tracy September 6, 2011 at 03:09

This is a really great story, and I think Ger is really brave for letting you share it here.

It’s amazing to think we have so many things working in our brain all at once. So many things that were hardly aware of, yet that affect us in subtle but profound ways.

I hope you’ll keep us updated on this case. I’m curious to know how the energy shifting and releasing affects Ger in his life.

Thanks Melody. :-)
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Melody Fletcher September 6, 2011 at 15:53

Hi Fred,

I totally will. I think a follow up piece in a few weeks or months would be awesome. :)

Hugs,
Melody

rob white September 6, 2011 at 15:24

Hi Melody,
It sounds like you are a wonderful ‘listening’ for your friend. Ger certainly got hit hard by voices of “NO.” We can all learn from this exchange, because we are all fighting the same fight – to be nobody but ourselves in a world that wants us to be anything but. We cannot find our Authentic Self when caught in the Counterfeit-Self’s flood of No’s that send us spiraling downwardly out of control.
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Melody Fletcher September 6, 2011 at 15:56

Hi Rob,

A lot of this work is becoming aware of those voices and then looking at them through our new perspective. We tend to have a lot of programs running in the background that we aren’t even aware of. I like the use of Authentic self vs. Counterfeit self. I think of the counterfeit self as a series of masks that we wear to protect ourselves…

Thanks for sharing your wisdom here, Rob.

Hugs,
Melody

Ger September 6, 2011 at 15:48

Hey there,

It was quite strange reading this mainly because I forgot I was reading about myself, I am really happy I told you to go ahead and tell this story, its quite comforting to read it again.

As you said I generally try to push through things but this time Ill take it slow and see how it pans out, that was some freakin experience though! (In a good way)

Thanks for all the kind words from those who commented, I guess all I can say is watch this space…. Some people who read this may even know me, I guess you just got to know me a little bit more and I see nothing wrong in that.

take care all…

Ger

Melody Fletcher September 6, 2011 at 15:59

Hi Ger!

Thank you so much, again, for allowing me to share this incredibly personal journey. I’m sure a lot of people benefited from it. It’s interesting how detached we become from experiences once we’ve released that energy. It’s like we no longer identify with that part of ourselves. We have literally released that part of ourselves. :)

And I love how authentic and confident you are in showing others who you really are. You’re such an inspiration!

Huge hugs to you!!!!

Melody

Kim September 6, 2011 at 18:02

Excellent work Melody…You were right in that although adoption may not be someone’s issue, you hit on some many universally applicable points. This piece allowed me to retrospect on molestation from my past which brings up the some of the same type of issues such as anger, forgiveness, my adult logic telling my child self to get over it, etc.

Wow…thanks Melody! You’ve allowed me to revisit my past with a better perspective that will allow me to really begin releasing the root and symptoms of those belief systems.

Melody Fletcher September 6, 2011 at 18:54

Hi Kim!

I’m so glad that this post has had such a profound effect on you! This is exactly why I write about these more difficult topics. :)

Hugs hugs,
Melody
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Jayne Kopp September 6, 2011 at 20:11

Hey Melody, thanks for sharing this story. I suppose it’s difficult to understand all the feelings an adoptee may feel unless of course you have been there yourself.

I have a number of friends who are adopted and thankfully, they are very well adjusted.

On the other hand I can see all sides from my perspective. The thoughts that might go through the mind of a young boy and get carried through to adulthood are things that obviously were never resolved.

I have to wonder if perhaps since Ger had his second child and understands those ‘paternal’ feelings that I believe can only be felt when you have a child… if this had not triggered him to re think and wonder how his mom could have possibly given him up… church or no church.

I also understand the fear of being rejected if he reached out to contact her.

One thing I do know is that in most cases a parent who had either been forced to give a child up, or made the decision due to their circumstances, rarely overcomes the emotions too.

A couple of my friends were in the same boat as Gers’ birth mom, and to this day they have never recovered.

It seems to me he is very grateful for the parents who raised him… but I can understand the thought process he must beat to death.

Perhaps a meeting with him mom might put it to bed one way or another. It’s a tough call because of the ‘rejection’ thing… but on the other hand it might be the best move he makes.

I wish him all the love and light possible. Life can be such a roller coaster.

Thanks for sharing and being there to help your friend.

Jayne
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Melody Fletcher September 6, 2011 at 21:10

Hi Jayne,

I think Ger will eventually contact his birth mother. No matter how she reacts, I believe that a large part of the healing will come from simply taking that step and overcoming that fear. After that, he can actually deal with whatever comes up, instead of always being afraid of the “what if”.

Perhaps I’ll get the opportunity to speak with a woman who planned adoption (using Tess’ words already!) so I can do a post on that perspective. I’m sure it would be another emotionally charged post, but could be amazing in terms of how to forgive oneself… There’s so much fear and guilt and grief around this subject, there’s such an enormous opportunity for healing.

Thanks for sharing your wonderful perspective.

Hugs!
Melody
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Jermaine September 7, 2011 at 00:14

I have to agree with some of the other comments I’ve read. This is an emotion post.

I felt myself starting to get tense as I read along. That is not normal for me. The good news is, “alls well that ends well.” I’m happy for Ger and for any reader who got a chance to read it that has been through this challenging situation in life. It sounds like a lot to process and even more to work through. Thanks for giving us a true glimpse into your world.

Melody Fletcher September 10, 2011 at 00:22

Hi Jermaine,

We all have some skeletons in our vibrational closet. For Ger it was the adoption, for others it was being rejected by a parent (perhaps they didn’t have enough time, or they yelled at them once), or by a teacher… Almost everyone in our generation and before will have picked up the unworthy vibration in one way or another (that is changing now. Today’s kids are AMAZING!). Letting that one go, no matter how much or little we think it’s affecting us is going to cause one powerful shift.

I love sharing case studies. They are always powerful, complicated, controversial and incredibly useful. You’re so welcome Jermaine. I’m so glad you benefited. Oh, but you’re not supposed to get tense from reading my blog! That’s why I always add a funny picture! ;)

Hugs,
Melody

patricia September 9, 2011 at 01:34

Hi Melody,
I am working at getting back in the swing of things after some food processing days at home…I want to say I just skimmed most of the comments…

I am touched by this story because my youngest is adoptive from another country. She wants to be the most American she can be…she also has a repaired cleft palate and lesion in the long term memory portion of her brain. She has no desire to meet her birth parents, who considered adoption early on and planned for it, because in their small fishing village Grandmother would have suffocated this expensive baby because there would be no money or treatment available for repairs…Her parents left home to deliver in a big city and they took the time to review profiles and pick ours for her future. She was still rejected and I can not help but feel that someday she will need to work on this area of her life.
I think she does find joy in the fact that her biological parents chose us because of the role that music played in our household and that they thought my husband was rich because of his profession.
We still have $250,000. to pay off on her surgeries before we can retire…it was a big venture and I think she has some guilt around how much it cost…
I think it will find resolution as she matures…and probably with some help?
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Melody Fletcher September 10, 2011 at 00:18

Hi Patricia,

All children end up with some scars from their childhood. There’s no avoiding it. No matter what parents or anyone does, children are going to come to some conclusions as they grow up, based on their limited perspective, that will affect them later in life. It’s not your job to make sure they have no issues, but rather to empower them enough so that they know they can release those issues (and know they’re worth the effort). I have no doubt that your kids have all the tools they need. :) Your daughter is and will be just fine.

And so will you. I would stop thinking of that $250,000 as debt and rather as an investment in your daughter that will no doubt pay off. Energy out = energy in. But you have to allow it. Change your thinking around this money. Start expecting it to come back. I know you don’t know how, but that’s not your job. Won’t it be fun when the money finds you? I, for one, can’t wait to see what the Universe comes up with this time.

I’m sending you tons of high vibrations and love my dear Patricia.
Ginormous hugs,

Melody
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ayo September 14, 2011 at 22:25

hello melody
how are you?
in all honesty, i don’t really see from this post how it implies you are attacking the birth mum but……..(my opinion)

everyone at some point in our lives, needs the appropriate medium(friend, counsellor, coach, family, spouse) to bounce off or discuss our worries, fears and frustrations with.

anyway it’s great to know how much difference you make in the lives of people through coaching and I am sure Gers time was well spent.

take care and enjoy the rest of the day
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Melody Fletcher September 14, 2011 at 22:49

Hey Ayo,

I actually wasn’t attacking her, but it became clear that it could be seen that way, so I wanted to clarify that in an update. It just proves what an emotionally charged topic this is…

Thanks so much for our kind words.

Hugs!
Melody
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Marianne September 16, 2011 at 15:53

Hi Melody,

What a fantastic post. I’m thankfull to Ger for letting you share the experience.

I’m not adopted, but could TOTALLY relate to how the “adult” understands and accepts (on a logicall level) a difficulat situation (in Ger’s case adoption, in my case my moms illness, for somebody else something completly different) and does not get in tune with the “kid” inside, who does NOT give a damn, but actually makes the “adult” feeling guilty the times the anger/sadness/fear pops up, because “I should not feel bad, when my parents did all they could and the best way they knew how”.

It was also a great experience to see Gers process from your point of view. Getting your “translation” of what was happening, made it easier to apply the motions and vibrations to my own setting.

Thank you to both of you!
Marianne

Melody Fletcher September 16, 2011 at 16:57

Hi Marianne!

It’s all about recognizing and giving ourselves permission to feel our emotions, without judgement. When we squash our feelings because they’re not appropriate, it stagnates us and keeps us living in pain. We don’t have to get stuck in the blame and anger, but we do have to move through it. And the sooner we do, the sooner we can be free of these feelings.

Thanks so much for your great feedback. I’ll pass it along to Ger, too. :)

Hugs!
Melody
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Mary Carol October 12, 2011 at 05:33

Thank you Ger and Melody! What a team, and what an enLIGHTening post.

To briefly share a recent experience: Many years ago something happened which left me with flashbacks, anxiety, and occasional panic attacks. I created a room in my head and when a thought or image arose, I pushed it into the room and slammed the door. I thought the trauma was something that couldn’t be recovered from, only accepted and coped with. Like Ger, I coped, and have mostly enjoyed my life.

A few midnights ago, one of these images arose, and I thought, no, let’s not shut the door. A giant house-size bonfire arose and I threw everything in the room on the fire. I didn’t look at the images, didn’t examine or re-live anything, just kept throwing and throwing and throwing. After a few minutes, a huge river swept through, carrying away the fire and all the ashes. I felt emptied out, but thought I’d try one more request. I asked for all the energy/light I could handle, to illuminate any remaining corners and really clean up my space. The energy surged in, and I peacefully didn’t sleep all night.

For a couple of days I felt hollowed out, happy but not sure who I was without the trauma. I asked for a calm light like honey, which spread into the spaces and feels lovely. Now I can think, talk, and forget about the past with detachment. Thank you Universe!!

My point is only this: I waited years to heal because I had been told that the only way was to “work through” the pain. I couldn’t/wouldn’t do that. What I found a couple of nights ago is that there was no need to re-experience trauma in order to release. It’s possible when you’re ready to just let it go.

Thank you Melody for creating an atmosphere of healing and growth! Wishing Ger and anyone who has traumas from their past (don’t we all?) peace and light and much love,

Mary Carol

Alice July 20, 2012 at 12:59

I found this when reading about the coaching calls. I’ve been keeping away from your blog archives for the moment as I feel that’s flogging a dead horse.
It’s funny how we find each article as I hadn’t read this one and didn’t think adoption would be relevant.
The description of your process was similar to what I imagined you’d do. The pain actually sounds fantastic to me as humans need an indicator for the logical mind that something is happening. To feel that move and be released would be magnificent.
Is it tiring for you?
Have you ever felt someone with a heart chakra so heavy that you couldn’t do anything about it?
Are there uncurable people?
Have you ever been shocked by the amount of roots of resistance one person can have?
Did flashes of their life seem shocking to you?
Could you ever be in danger from their energy?

Melody Fletcher July 20, 2012 at 22:33

Hey Alice,

I’m working on something that will fully explain my process (like an ebook or something). So I’ll give you the short answers here:

It’s not tiring for me at all. Quite the opposite. After this particular coaching session, I was so jazzed up I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t tired and didn’t suffer at all the next day. Connecting with a higher frequency actually gets me kind of high (in a non-druggy way).

I don’t really DO anything. I make myself available so that others can manifest their help through me. So I never look at people in terms of whether or not I can help them or not. There are many people in this world that would not be a match to me and wouldn’t benefit from a session with me. But they can’t generally find me.

There are no “incurable” people. First of all, no one needs to be cured. Everyone is continuously inspired by their inner being to find a better feeling thought and a higher vibration. Some people don’t listen until a situation becomes too painful, so they have to let go. Some don’t let go until they transition (die). But sooner or later, everyone finds their way. A willingness to feel better is the first big step. If you want to feel better, you will find a way. Just listen.

No, I’m very rarely shocked by people anymore and certainly not by their beliefs. I used to shocked by how many roots I had, how just when I thought I was “done”, I found a whole new layer. But since I’ve come to the full understanding that there’s always more resistance, I no longer am.

When I coach, I’m connected to the frequency of Who We Really Are, and I see the client and their life through those eyes. And NOTHING is shocking to our higher selves. There is only understanding, compassion, and love.

I am in no danger from their energy because I’ve learned to hold my energy stable. I find that higher vibration quickly and I hold to it unflinchingly. I had a big shift a few months ago and for a couple of weeks, I would not just be aware of my clients’ emotions, but I fully FELT them. I wasn’t stable yet at this new, higher vibration and so I was more affected by their energy. This lasted for about 2 weeks. Once I stabilized again, that went away. Now it’s even easier for me to stay unaffected. This took some time and practice. I can still be caught unawares at other times (I’m not perfect), but not during a coaching session.

Huge hugs,

Melody
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Alice July 20, 2012 at 13:07

Hi Melody,

Getting rid of resistance sounds beautiful and cleansing for the most part- especially if it was holding you back from success and full happiness.

Hypothetically if you had met Marilyn Manson or Michael Jackson would your help have destroyed their music career?
i.e. They no long had the resistance and differing world view that created this magnificent and strange artist-resistance and all.
Would some artists actually be worse off (art-wise) if they were perfectly balanced “normal” people?
Would people like Amy Winehouse have written pop songs instead of the deep and sad things she wrote about?
Would the curing of some people actually be of detriment?

I was thinking from a celebrity point of view your coaching would be terrible lol!

This was certainly a deep and well-written story.

Melody Fletcher July 20, 2012 at 22:35

No, I wouldn’t destroy their careers, LOL.

This is an interesting question. I’m going to save it for a blog post.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Nay July 27, 2012 at 06:13

Hey Melody,

As Alice said, I keep finding entries in your blogs I wouldn’t think would be relevent, and they are totally the ones that seem to be the MOST relevent! Love it.

My experience was divorce and then a parent who tried to commit suicide. And I’ve always felt that I didn’t really have any feelings/emotions about either of these. Hmmm. And yet I’ve regularly wonder/worried about my worthiness or felt I was just not good enough. Another big Hmmmm. Maybe it’s time to go back to that little childs perspective and release.

I have no doubt finding this post now is because I’ve raised my vibration enough to finally be ready to face it.

Thank you, as always!

Melody Fletcher July 27, 2012 at 22:03

Hey Nay,

Yeah… there’s no way you have NO feelings about these events. But when we spend a long time ignoring feelings or pushing them away, it can make us feel numb. They will come out though, sooner or later. And you’re right, you manifest the way forward when you are ready to handle it. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
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EsAich October 26, 2012 at 00:10

Hi Melody,

I came across your post today, after writing a new post of my own (positivelistener.blogspot.com), and it was one example of what I have been looking for. I am a birth mother, and to be honest, when I put my child up for adoption, I didn’t feel like I had any other option. The father was not involved, and my parents were already so ashamed that they weren’t going to help me. As a teenager, I rationalized that leaving my home for a shelter for teen mothers was no life for my child. Adoption was the only option. Your post about Ger was extremely enlightening. I knew adopted children would have questions, but didnt realize that even growing up in a good home, an adopted person could harbour such pain. Thank you for the story! :)

Melody Fletcher October 30, 2012 at 02:40

Hey EsAich,

This post didn’t really address the pain of the birth mother. You should in no way feel guilty for any pain your child may have had about this. It’s unavoidable. It sounds like you made a brave and selfless decision, one aligned with both your and the child’s wishes. It truly was what was best for you and the baby, and the only thing that could change that (for you) is you feeling guilty about it. You chose the best option from the ones you had at the time. It wasn’t easy, but you made the best decision you could. You should be proud of yourself.

Huge hugs!
Melody
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Ashley Cole March 9, 2013 at 23:01

Love this post! At first it was hard to read, I had to come back to it. I wasn’t adopted but I was raised in foster care by two really loving parents who coined our union a “forever family.” I knew and grew up with my birth mom until I was 9 years old. I appreciate this post because those feelings are true who children who are adopted a birth or children adopted out of foster care, and especially those children who live with multiple caregivers growing up. There is an added sense of loyalty issues (feeling disloyal to birth parents for loving new parents) and unbelonging, couple to the other emotions and issues you mentioned such as gratitude. Really appreciated the post.

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