I receive a lot of questions via email, and I like to feature the most valuable ones here. I love these. The whole idea of my blog is to show how to apply the law of attraction in real world situations and questions such as these really help me to do that.
Here’s the question:
Hi Melody. I have a question that I have not found a real answer to. It’s something a friend asked me, and it’s something I wish I knew back when I was in a troubled relationship. He asked me “Can I use the LOA to break up with someone?” It was a curveball to say the least. His issue was: He has been dating a girl for 9 years. The relationship grew sour. He started to like another girl, but had no intention of cheating on his current partner. Being stuck, he wondered if the LOA would allow him to have an easy breakup. What if his current partner was the one to initiate the breakup, wouldn’t that make it easier? He really wanted to be with the other girl. In the end, he ended up breaking up, in the worst of ways, and there’s a constant friction between the two till this day.
I ask because I too was in a bad relationship and ended up initiating the breakup, which left me feeling like an a–hole for a long time, even though I didn’t really think it was my fault. After my pal asked me this question, I wondered if I could have used the LOA to manifest a better way out of this. A happier way for us both.
Is this possible? If so, how?
I’m addressing this from the perspective of a guy breaking up with his girlfriend, but the explanation and advice will work for either gender. There are several points here that I want to address before I can answer the question.
Let’s stay together forever. Whether we’re happy or not.
The first is the assumption that whoever initiates the breakup is automatically the asshole, or that when there’s a breakup, there has to be a bad guy at all. What’s the alternative to breaking up? Staying together forever? With a person who doesn’t really want to be with you? Relationships end for a reason and both parties generally know what it is (they’re not happy), even if they don’t want to admit it. The problem is that we’re too often willing to settle for something less than we deserve (a mediocre or downright bad relationship) rather than taking our chances at being single. What if we never find that perfect person? Isn’t it better to settle for someone who’s just ok, instead of taking the chance of being alone forever? Well, sure, you can settle, but don’t expect to be happy. And if someone has the courage to stand up and decide that mediocre is no longer enough for them, that they do want to be happy, that does not make them a bad person.
Ending a relationship is not a failure
People want to hang on to bad relationships for several reasons. I’ve already mentioned that many of us would rather suffer than be alone. But many of us have also grown up with the false belief that every relationship is supposed to last forever. We’ve found each other and now we have to hold on to each other no matter what. And anything short of that means we’ve failed.
Failed as what? We are vibrational beings who are constantly changing and evolving. We can’t help that. When we find someone who is a vibrational match to us, we feel a deep resonance and form a relationship with them. This could be a friendship or a romantic relationship. The point is that the origin of the bond comes from having a vibrational match.
Now, we can foster that match by focusing upon it. That’s why relationships tend to be so much more passionate in the beginning. Both partners are focusing almost exclusively on what they like about the other. That will strengthen the vibrational bond between them as well as bringing them more and more positive stuff to focus on. As time goes on, we tend to look for things that we don’t like. This shift in focus will let us see more and more things we don’t like about them, until eventually we think “What the hell was I thinking?!”
But, even if that doesn’t happen, each partner will continue to grow and evolve on their own path. And while I’m not excluding the possibility that two people can join and stay a vibrational match forever (especially if both parties are committed to fostering the continuation of matching energy), it’s not really something we can completely control and therefore, we shouldn’t make that our standard of success. People can easily grow apart and no longer be enough of a match to each other to stay in each others’ lives in a significant way.And that wouldn’t be a problem, except that we’ve decided that it is.
Relationships are wonderful opportunities to grow and evolve with another person. They give us a chance to know ourselves better (our partners, friends and family are mirrors to our thoughts and beliefs), and have experiences that we cannot easily have alone. They can give us a fantastic excuse to feel great.
But relationships end. It’s not tragic, unless we want to believe that it is. All relationships end eventually, at the latest with death. We grieve over the loss of a relationship because we believe that we think we should’ve somehow been able to make it work, but also because we think we need this other person to make us happy. That, however, is never going to work. We were happy with our partner once, and so we decided that it was them who made us happy. When in fact, our happiness came from how we chose to look at the situation. It was our reaction to the relationship, what we chose to focus on, that caused our happiness, not the other person. ant way. So their leaving does not take away your chance for or ability to be happy.
Instead of grieving the relationship’s loss, why not celebrate the fact that you had this amazing connection for however long it lasted? Why not be grateful that this person made it into your life and that you had such a great time? Why not choose to focus on the good?
If we can let go of the notion that relationships are only successful if they last forever, and instead just focus on the joy we can gain from each one while it lasts, we can save ourselves a great deal of pain. Can a breakup be completely free of suffering? Well, theoretically yes, but I’ve personally never been able to get there. But I can tell you that using this mindset, you can greatly reduce the amount of pain and get back on your feet much faster.
Why breakups hurt so much
The main reason that being broken up with hurts so much is that we take it as a personal rejection. We think that the other person has judged us and found us to be unworthy and that it must be because there’s something wrong with us. If we had been better, more in some way, they would still be here. And the thought that we’re broken is one of the worst thoughts we could have about ourselves. We know, deep down (the part of us that’s pure energy), that this thought is absolutely untrue. This creates a vibrational discord and that hurts. A lot. It feels like getting your insides ripped out. It’s not actually the breakup that causes all our pain, but rather our reaction to it.
The douchebag way to break up with someone
No one wants to be the bad guy who breaks someone’s heart. But as I already stated, the mere act of initiating the split does not make someone a douchebag. What does? Dishonesty. If you’re dishonest with yourself and/or your partner during the breakup, you will come off looking and feeling like a jerk.
You’re a Douchebag if:
- You treat your partner like crap and get her to break up with you.
- You cheat on your partner instead of just breaking up first.
- You tell other people about your intention to break up with your partner in hopes that it gets back to them and you don’t have to initiate the conversation.
- You break up with your partner via text message (or Post-it, email, Facebook, Twitter, etc.)
- You fail to say anything and just let the relationship wither, hoping that by some miracle, things will get better or she’ll figure it out and will end the relationship.
Do you see a pattern here? All of these behaviors stem from wanting to avoid the actual issue and/or the confrontation. Often, this isn’t so much due to cowardice (or at least not ONLY due to cowardice), as it is due to neither party wanting to admit the truth – that the relationship simply isn’t working anymore.
Using LOA to make the breakup easier
So, now that I’ve laid the basis that breaking up, in and of itself, is not a horrible failure and that neither party needs to necessarily be the douchebag (not on principle, anyway), what can you do to make the process of breaking up with someone easier?
Well, LOA will not break up with your girlfriend for you. Neither will it make her break up with you. That kind of thinking is right up there with douchebag behavior (i.e. wanting to avoid the issue altogether).
The key here is to be 100% authentic. That means, being honest with yourself first. What is it that you want? I’m going to assume that you know that you really want to break up, as opposed to just wanting certain things in your life to change. Breaking up may just be what you think needs to happen in order to get what you really want, in which case I’d advise you to focus on that instead and see what solutions present themselves.
So, you’re no longer happy in your relationship and you want out. But you don’t want it be ugly. You want it be easy. You want her to understand, not take it personally, and if at all possible, you’d maybe even like to stay friends.
That’s what you focus on – the fact that you want it to be easy. Spend some time visualizing the breakup as a friendly conversation, where neither one of you resorts to blaming the other. You can express yourself clearly, without resorting to passive aggressive or snide remarks. You both understand that neither one of you did anything wrong, you’re simply no longer a match (or compatible) and you can both admit that neither one of you is happy the way things are. You agree to split, amicably. You’ll miss each other, and you’re both sad, but it’s a mutual decision.
Chances are, you’re going to have a lot of trouble visualizing this kind of breakup at first. This is your work. If you can get to the point where this visualization is comfortable for you, you’ve lined up with the energy of an “easy” breakup.
Once our energy is lined up, follow your intuition on when to initiate the conversation. Don’t avoid it out of fear, but don’t rush into it either. As long as you’re aligned with your vision, you will illicit the amicable behavior from her that matches that vision energetically. If you’re vibrating “easy breakup” (relatively speaking), the law of attraction will not be able to bring you together until she’s receptive to that kind of conversation. The key is to keep yourself in that space. If you dip down into blame or avoidance, you’ll illicit a very different kind of behavior from her.
An authentic breakup conversation
Even if you’ve lined up your energy, breakups aren’t easy. You don’t want to hurt the other person. You don’t want them to feel rejected and you don’t want them to hate you. What do you even say?
It’s important to remember that no matter how great your intentions, you can’t really control the other person’s reactions. You can only control your own. What you want to create is an experience that feels good, or at least not horrible. You can’t guarantee that you’ll stay friends with your ex, or that she won’t be hurt. You can, however, make it easier for her and yourself by being honest and direct and making it a priority to get through this in an authentic way. Here are some suggestions for that kind of a conversation.
Ask questions and make statements focused on your and her happiness. This is really at the core of your reason to break up, isn’t it? Keep coming back to this core truth, and avoid the temptation to blame each other or focus on insignificant things like who does the dishes or leaves the toilet seat up.
“Are you truly happy with the way things are?”
“I’m not happy in this relationship and I don’t think you are, either.”
“Don’t you think that we both deserve to be happy?”
Danger: You may not want to say that you both deserve better. This is a judgment, and your partner will most likely hear “I deserve better than you.”
Focus on how you’ve both changed:
“I just don’t think we’re compatible anymore.”
“We used to do…. And now we just…”
Danger: DO NOT make statements beginning with “you”, as in “You used to…” This will be seen as a criticism, unless you keep the focus clearly on how both of your interests have changed. Stay in the frame of mind that neither one of you did anything wrong. What you’re focusing on is the happiness that you both deserve and that you don’t currently have, NOT what either one of you may have done to “screw this up”.
Make the main point of your argument: “I’m not happy and I don’t think you are either.”
If your partner insists that she is happy, call her on it. Gently. “When was the last time you can remember that we both really laughed with each other?” instead of “Oh come on! You’ve been a miserable cow for months!”
Stay calm and no matter what your partner does or says, don’t get into the blame game.
Don’t say “It’s not you, it’s me.” Although that statement is always true (it’s always me, even if you’ve pissed me off, it’s ultimately my issue I’m dealing with), that sentence has developed such a negative and inauthentic charge over time, it’s never received well.
When all else fails, be direct.
When you’ve decided that you definitely want out, but your partner completely disagrees and continues to hold out hope that you’ll work it out, be as direct as you can. No one can argue with “I just don’t love you anymore.” This may seem mean, but ultimately the direct approach is kinder in the long run.
DO NOT take the easy way out
Things will most likely get emotional. You may be tempted to take the easy way out by telling her you met someone else. Don’t do this. It isn’t honest. You may well have met someone else, and meeting that person may have made you aware of some things about your relationship, but providing clarity about the issues that are present isn’t the same as creating them. The issues existed, therefore you were open to meeting someone else. Don’t put the cart before the horse.
You can’t avoid the confrontation
If you want to end a relationship and you don’t want to be a douchebag, you cannot avoid the confrontation of the breakup. But you don’t have to go in there fighting. There’s never going to be a winner, so don’t even try. A lot of arguments get out of hand and turn ugly because both parties just want to be right, and/or don’t want to take the blame. You can either be authentic, compassionate and keep the goal of an amicable breakup in mind, or you can create a horrible scenario where you hurl insults at each other, in an effort to prove to yourself and your partner that it’s not your fault that you failed at eternal bliss.
In the aftermath
Once you’ve gotten the breakup over with, continue to work on your false beliefs. Keep in mind that you have not failed, that you did nothing wrong and that the only thing that really hurts is the way you’re looking at the situation (i.e. “I’m not good enough”, etc.) Change your thoughts and you’ll instantly change the way you feel. You can then get over the breakup and feel better in a relatively short period of time. Will it still hurt? Of course it will. But does it have to destroy you or leave you feeling like a total jerk? Absolutely not.
*=name changed to protect the innocent.
To learn more about vibrational discord and how it affects our emotions, read the article: The Purpose of Our Emotions.
For more antiquated and false beliefs about relationships, read the blog post: Why Aren’t You Married Yet?!
Do you have a juicy question about LOA you’d like an answer to? Just send me a message via my Contact Form, or reply to one of my newsletters, and I might feature it here on the blog (if not, I’ll still answer you personally, usually within 24 hours).