Are You Good Enough for the Lover You Want?

by Melody Fletcher on March 21, 2011

In the article How to Visualize – The Secret to What Visualization Really Is, I explain that visualization is really just a way to test out your vibration before you let it create your reality. When you visualize your perfect love life, for example, you might find yourself taking the story into a dark place: suddenly you’re fighting, or he cheats, she spends all your money, etc. If this happens, it’s an indication of your vibration – you’re holding on to a belief that’s creating a reality different from what you want. The idea is to be able to visualize the partner you want, easily and effortlessly. Once this happens, you’re aligned with that partner and the Universe can bring them to you.

Today, I’d like to focus how you see yourself in that visualization. Many of us have a tendency to insert a “better version” of ourselves into our fantasies. You might see yourself with the perfect man, but when you do, you’re suddenly thinner, with nicer hair, better skin, and a much better wardrobe. Men see themselves with the perfect woman, but in their vision they have more hair, a higher salary, a nicer car and six pack abs. Who are these people?!

If you can visualize the perfect partner, but can’t comfortably see yourself with them, as you are right now, you have a belief that you, as you are in this moment, aren’t good enough to be with that partner. Guess what? That vibration is never going to bring you together with that lover you want. It isn’t that you’re not good enough, it’s that you don’t believe that you are. And that belief creates your reality.

If this is you, you have two options: You can downgrade your vision of that perfect partner, until you can believe that they’d actually love you, or you can upgrade your vision of yourself. I recommend the latter.

But how do you go about seeing yourself in a better light?

  • Decide that you’re going to. You can choose to think about yourself in a more positive way. It’s absolutely possible to consciously guide your thoughts in a chosen direction. Decide today that you’re not going to put yourself down anymore. You’re not going to think thoughts like “I’m fat” or “I’m ugly” or any other derogatory thoughts you’ve been thinking. Replace these ugly thoughts with better ones. Focus on what you like about yourself. What’s great about you? What do others like about you? Read Recognizing Your Greatness for more inspiration.
  • Get some perspective. You’re obviously judging yourself, but by what criteria? You think your thighs or beer gut are too big, but compared to what? Even if you avoid TV, chances are your standard of beauty has been affected by the unrealistic examples of Hollywood and the media. Did you know that they don’t just airbrush and alter photos, but actual film now? Nothing you see on screen and in print is real. No one, even the actors and models themselves, is that perfect. No one. Go to your local Walmart and have a look around. How do you measure up, honestly? Stop comparing yourself to computer generated visions of what we might look like if we were all robots, and get real. The human body is not perfect. But that doesn’t make it any less beautiful.
  • Spend some quality time looking in the mirror and picking out all your good parts. You may have never done this before. Most of us use any glance in a reflective surface to check if the worst part of our bodies is still as horrible as we think it is. Try focusing only on your good bits for a change. Do you have a lovely neck? A slim waist? Gorgeous eyes? Use every glance in the mirror to check if that part is still as beautiful as you think it is. It will be. This exercise alone can trigger a profound change in the way you see yourself.
  • Become the better version of yourself. Sometimes, it’s easier to work with your beliefs than to change them. If you have a belief that the athletic man you want would never be attracted to someone who doesn’t go to the gym, and you see yourself as sporty and in shape in your visualizations, perhaps you might want to join a gym. Use this technique sparingly, though. If you’re talking about changes that you want to make anyway, like eating healthier, or getting a nicer haircut, go for it. But if you’re making changes just to attract a man (or woman) – don’t. Playing into these beliefs will only limit you further.

Your visualizations are a type of manifestation. They can tell you where your energy is at, and what your limiting beliefs are. How you see yourself in your visualizations can give you powerful clues on what you think about yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for these thoughts – we all have limiting beliefs. The idea is to figure out what they are, and change them. Change the game. Change the visualization. Change your beliefs. And you’ll change your reality.

Did you like this post? Don’t forget to leave me a comment and tell me what you thought!

Image Credit: Image by JayGrey, Sydney for Ambi Pur

{ 21 comments }

Jas March 24, 2011 at 09:06

Your article is on point. It made so much sense and I’m guilty of some of the things you listed. I’m happy to have found your website via Mane and Chic. I really believe in the laws of attraction and being able to bring things and people into our lives. I look forward to reading more of your articles and other articles that relate to attracting, manifesting, visualization. Thank you.

Melody Fletcher March 24, 2011 at 12:37

Thanks Jas! I’m glad you found the site, too! :)
There’s loads more to come…

chakra May 12, 2011 at 21:21

Dear Melody,

The article explains in crisp manner why many persons could not manifest the desires. The ability to visualize our desire at present state ( as of now) easily and effortlessly is the kingpin of all our manifestations has been beautifully explained.At last you have stated to spend quality time to see a better version of our self is thought ringing in my mind always.Thank you Melody.

Melody Fletcher May 12, 2011 at 22:31

Hi Chakra,
Taking better care of ourselves actually solves a whole host of issues. A lot of our beliefs stem from not believing that we’re good enough or worthy. When we treat ourselves with kindness and compassion, a lot of that energy is shifted.
Thanks for the comment!

Hugs,
Melody

Dee February 6, 2012 at 00:59

Hi Melody,
A couple of days, feeling lonely, I visualised the man I wanted to meet. Since am very good at visualising (not so much at manifesting nowadays, as it seems) I had a very good time ‘seeing’ to detail this wonderful man. When I was done, the worry creeped over me: ‘would such man, should he enter this room now, think I am what he wants??” And I answered immediately ‘no’, because I felt I am not good enough for such man! I would need to be a touch thinner, with more refined manners, perfectly cut hair and wonderful wardrobe. I suppose, I just gave my own answer there…LOA works either way!Thank you for your articles.

Melody Fletcher February 6, 2012 at 01:25

Hey Dee,

That’s it. You figured it out. You simply don’t believe that the man you want would want you back the way you are RIGHT NOW. So, you’ll either have to lose weight, work on your manners (seriously??), get a perfect haircut and new wardrobe and then fix whatever other arbitrary details you come up with, OR… you can begin to visualize this man asking you out just the way you are now. It will be uncomfortable at first. But after a while, it’ll get easier. Take your time and ease into it. You can line up with this vision, but you, as you are right now, have to be part of that vision.

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Deliberate Receiving Blog Is One Year Old! Yay!!My Profile

Alice August 6, 2012 at 05:38

What about reverse engineering?

Like feng shui.
Love seems to have redemptive powers.

You see people get into (unintentionally) fixer-uper relationships and it does wonders. I was in love with a man I found very attractive but he took drugs. He stopped taking drugs and he said his love for me and enjoyment we had replaced the drugs. Our happiness was better than drugs.
Now if I dumped him too fast he might have slipped into old habits. But we stayed together long enough for us both to get the boost we needed.
He now lives a happier life with another woman. We were the miracle we both needed for each other.

Now I’m in a relationship where I’m the one that needs a boost. It’s not his job but I don’t have any other options.
What am I going to do, be unhappy?
Sure many people especially mother-in-laws might think we’re not good enough for that man.
But reverse engineering ourselves until we ARE good enough, as love can be inspiring.

My love for people is what motivates me. That’s the type of person that I am. I do believe love can raise a person up.

I know we are meant to raise ourselves up. But in the mean time others help us raise ourselves.
Isn’t that OK as long as it leads somewhere good?

Or as men say “The love of a good woman..”

Oh yeah and why are so many mother-in-laws against the daughter in law? It’s like a universal story.
I’ve only had 1 like me. UNO! It’s a big achievement.

Melody Fletcher August 6, 2012 at 17:52

Hey Alice,

When you’re ready to let upliftment in, you receive it in whatever way is easiest for you to accept. And that may well manifest in the form of another person. But it’s still your manifestation – you are ready to feel better and so you manifest someone who helps you to do that. Just as you and your ex manifested each other with perfect timing.

And of course, love can raise a person up. the danger comes when they withdraw their love (due to a breakup or whatever) and we think it was them that raised us, so we can’t feel good without them. Someone shining their love and approval on us makes it easy for us to feel good, but it’s not the only way.

Mothers in law are often threatened by their daughters in law. They often find their own insecurities triggered by the new woman and then they blame her for it instead of realizing it’s their own problems coming up. And of course, the MIL is also mirroring the DIL’s insecurities back to her. These relationships can be huge catalysts for growth. :)

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Animal Abuse – A Law of Attraction PerspectiveMy Profile

Alice August 7, 2012 at 06:29

Upliftment. Ready.

You use the sentiment of “allowing”, “letting in” and “being ready” often.

Ok I’m well and truly ready for all the things over time you said I can allow and let in. I want them all. I’ve given up. I’m sick of being sick, sad and a complaint of many things.

I’m here, I’m ready, I want it. So HOW?

I’m so happy you say that love can raise us up. I’ve seen it time and time again.
Yet all the talk shows and gurus in the media eye have brainwashed a large section of the public.
People go as far as saying you have to be happy, drug free, employed etc before entering a relationship. Love yourself first and all that. Get your life “together”
Really?
That sounds like perfectionism. What if your partner helps you along that journey. It may take years to get it “together” and in the meantime you shouldn’t have to be single.

While they come from good intentions, they forget a broken person can love another broken person and show them how to be whole.
Or a together person can still love a person who is not “together” for different reasons.

But this is frowned on.

This is the main reason my mother in law doesn’t like me. At first she LOVED me. She said I was an good for her son as previous girlfriends cheated on him.
We had really good conversations on our first meeting. I felt she was really impressed. She looked forward to seeing me again.

Ever since I stopped studying or working (for health reasons) and she heard about this… next meeting she was pretty rude to me. All of a sudden I was not good enough. I feel she has told him this because after each time she calls he is angry with me.

I found this hurtful

I tried to be reasonable. I rang her cheerfully many times trying to be friends. She always hang up.
She’s REALLY pissed about the relationship and I feel she is like the sister you mentioned in a video blog about people influencing us.. with her cauldron and just hoping a more successful, healthy woman would date her son.

I think it’s pretty elitist and Hitler-like that a good date has to have this or that “going for them”

I wonder why she had to judge me based on my status= bad person?

Melody Fletcher August 8, 2012 at 00:19

Hey Alice,

People judge others using the same criteria they use to judge themselves. They are placing their own limiting thoughts on you. You don’t have to let that affect you.

But as long as you don’t feel like you’re good enough, she will treat you the same way. It doesn’t matter what his mom thinks of you. It only matters what you think of you.

Of course dysfunctional people can be in a relationship. If that wasn’t the case, everyone would be single (we’re all dysfunctional. It’s really just a matter of degrees). Relationships are often our biggest catalysts for growth! You can’t make a blanket statement that you have to be happy before you can have a relationship. But happiness does help.

This is going to sound very simple. But if you’ve truly given up the fight, it will start to make more sense. You have to really truly decide once and for all that you’re going to do all you can to emotionally feel better. In each situation, ask yourself how you feel and look for a better feeling thought. Something, anything that feels a bit better. and keep doing that. And then, when you feel just a bit better, acknowledge that you did that. You focused in a way that made you feel better.

It really really works. I can’t put it any simpler than that. And I know it doesn’t seem like it’s enough, but it is. It’s everything, in fact. It has the power to completely change your life.

Huge hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Quick LOA Questions Volume 8 – Relationships, Self Sabotage and Second ChancesMy Profile

Alice August 9, 2012 at 03:07

“How you feel about you”— a truth I’ve always known and even said to other people.

Ahhh… a detour…..I think I know why in some aspects I mentally question you and wonder if you are really correct.
Not just for lateral thinking purposes- but because when I am not in the heat of the moment… standing back from my own life (where I’m just as angry as they are)- I can articulate wise, authentic advice for others and really get in the zone.
Yet I don’t practice what I preach or remember what I said a week ago. So I used to wonder if like me, you were excellent at advising others but your life was secretly a mess!
Then I would soothe that resistance by some commonsense– you make a living from Deliberate Recieving… I am unemployed…
You are practicing what you preach and now I can 100% allow it in knowing it is real.
:-)
I’ve just met many a smart person like you–only to find they were pretty sick (really, really sick) and as broke as me. So that was disappointing.
I know nobody is perfect… but they were not even applying their own advice. That’s like an overweight dietican.. you can’t take them seriously.
Pretty mean I know..but like you said to me-people judge others by the standard they hold themselves.
I hold myself to a pretty ridgid standard. The other day I had some good romance advice for a friend but decided I wasn’t “qualified” to give advice seeing my relation is all over the place. I decided to keep my mouth shut in case I “spread” that as if negativity is contagious. (maybe, for the reactive it is)

As always you are spot on. I feel I’m “punching above my weight” in this relationship in some aspects.
He has a job, he’s healthier than me, fit (muscular), has multiple skills in many things I don’t and isn’t full of phobias/neurotic.

I’m better than before as far thinking looks wise my face is just as nice as his and I have a kind heart/funny so my personality stacks up too. :)
But job and health wise I haven’t cleared that up. I’ve made progress with my self-esteem but still can’t jump that hurdle.
I don’t think I’d feel 100% good about myself as unhealthy and unemployed.

There are some aspects I think I excel him with is slightly more creative and open minded…
But not nearly enough to balance the scales yet. I feel that I need a bit more.

At least I pat myself on the back for thinking of me. I look at this as “building myself up”
I’ve seen some people in my position be too lazy to build themselves up and aim to tear the partner down a peg.
That’s pretty hideous (I know, I know, judging the insecure people=not nice!) but I do think I’ve taken the higher road.

I enjoy seeing him excel and shine. It makes me happy. There was once a time where I was a bit jealous. I had mixed emotions. I wanted him to do well and be happy. Then I’d feel insecure that I wasn’t keeping up and he might want to “upgrade” his partner choice.
But I never put him down. I’d just feel sad within myself/worried.

Conflicted vibration thoughts= he’s doing well= great-I love seeing him happy!!!…but wait…ooh shit…he might want to do better than me!!! I better improve too!

Good thing I’m not gay!!! I imagine I would have felt worse comparing myself to another female!
I have no idea how lesbians do that. They’d have to be very secure. How could you not secretly think your spouse is more attractive/slimmer/smarter etc than you or feel occasionally worried by that ?
Everyone has a little resistance!!
As a woman with man– my job is easy. I have breasts. He’s impressed by that! It’s always a great emergency backup plan!
I can just see advertisements about this: “feeling unemployed? feelin’ bad? Are you female? Just remember you have breasts! Guys are pretty impressed by those. You can’t go wrong!”

Jokes aside, I do understand what you are saying. I just have to keep feeling better and more secure.
Then others will respond to that once I figure out how to feel good whilst being sick–I’ll be on the goldmine.

Oh and another slight detour…There are some women out there harder on themselves than me!
I’ve heard stories of women getting cancer and their spouse stops finding them attractive and leaves them MID CHEMO!
Now that’s being down on yourself! What a manifestation!

Melody Fletcher August 9, 2012 at 17:06

Hey Alice,

I want to state for the record that I’m by no means perfect. I have a pretty damn good life, to be sure, but I’m not some queen sitting in my ten million dollar mansion. And I may never be (mostly, because that’s not the life I want). I have my problems just like everyone else, and I deal with them the best I can. Ok, maybe my approach isn’t the same as everyone else, but you get the point. I’m not perfect.

I do have a knack for breaking things down and teaching them. But just like Tiger Wood’s Coach isn’t the best golfer in the world, I’m not the best manifestor in the world. I’m just good at teaching it. I do try my best to apply this stuff daily and live by these principles and I definitely don’t have an average life, but I feel very strongly that I want to discourage people from putting me up on any kind of pedestal (or being disappointed because I’m not perfect). When they do that, it usually means that they are comparing themselves to this level of made up perfection (that, by the way, no one can attain), and they will always fall short. That feels horrible.

So, you’ll have to accept me warts and all, I’m afraid. Ok, I don’t actually have any warts. But I need a pedicure. So, you’ll have to accept me, effed up toenail polish and all. Ha.

You’re doing so well! You have already come a long way and the important thing is that you acknowledge this. Keep doing that. It helps to stabilize your vibration (so you don’t go up and down so much anymore). So what if you’re not done yet? No one ever is. But look at how far you’ve come! You should be patting yourself on the back. Yes, it would’ve been easy to take your misery out on your boy, but you didn’t. And you’re not jealous anymore, which shows tremendous growth. You are getting there. You really are. :)

Huge happy shiny puppy hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Is Astrology Real Or Just A Bunch Of BS?My Profile

Alice August 10, 2012 at 00:31

I think the first part got a little misunderstood.

I never thought you were perfect!!!!! (what is perfect? You know me, I don’t like elitism *shudder*)

I gave an EXTREME possibility that it was all a sham of a person just as badly off as me. That’s not talking about a person that isn’t perfect, that’s talking about a person that’s in another category altogether.

And thanks for the pats on the back. :-)

Melody Fletcher August 10, 2012 at 18:26

Just wanted to make sure that you knew I was human. :)
Still haven’t gotten that pedicure. The shame…
:lol:

Hugs!
Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Find Your Purpose In Life + Free WorkbookMy Profile

Liz October 6, 2013 at 04:52

Hi Alice,

I hope when you read back all you have written, that you can feel all the negative vibrations i feel reading your post….
Sorry if i am offending you but there is mo way you will attract nice things being so hard on yourself.
Focus on your good things and stop victimizing yourself….
Big hug, Liz

Lucy December 22, 2012 at 02:47

Great post, Melody!

As someone who has had the privilege of doing a bit of commercial fashion photography for a well-known beauty chain, I can attest that every freaking image you see is photoshopped to the nines. I take the photo and the photoshopping is outsourced until the art director is happy with the final images. I feel a bit odd that my photos are modified so much but I really feel badly for the models themselves. I can’t imagine what it does to their sense of self-worth.

The program used to edit videos is usually Adobe’s After Effects which is known in the artsy industry as “Photoshop on ‘Rhoids.”

Anyone who feels like they need to look like what they see in the media needs to truly understand that no one looks like what you see on TV or in magazines. Those looks don’t exist in real life, even AFTER the application of make-up.

Lucy

Melody Fletcher December 28, 2012 at 14:24

Thanks so much Lucy! I love it when stars come out and show their before and after Photoshop pics. They look great before, but that’s just not good enough, is it? They have to look plastic.

The really weird thing is that when you see some of these people in person, they don’t even all look that good. They are just regular people. When we realize that, we can start feeling good about our regular old selves just the way we are. :)

Huge hugs,

Melody
Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Can The Universe Deliver Something Before I Want ItMy Profile

Anya June 10, 2013 at 23:07

Holy crap! I end up doing this in my visualizations ALL.THE.TIME! Not just in visualizations about my ideal partner! No wonder a lot of stuff I’ve been ‘trying’ to manifest seems stuck and delayed ‘somewhere’!

Thank you, Melody. You’ve given me a real key I can use!

hazel September 25, 2013 at 13:00

Thank you Melody for this great post. I always fall in this kind of thinking, I always wonder why I cannot manifest the man I want when I have release a lot of limiting beliefs already. Thank you for pointing out that I need to begin with myself. ????

Moyo September 26, 2013 at 20:33

Hi Melody,
Thanks alot for all the awesome posts and messages you’ve shared, I really, really appreciate it!
Just wanted to thank you.

Cheers!

Lisette October 24, 2013 at 18:32

Hi Melody,

All went pretty well with the visualisation, everything happy etc. At one point I waved him goodbye and in the next moment he got killed in a car crash.

What do I make of that?

Lisette

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: